The state of things

[gardenfey]

I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stay in this marriage. Not only does Tom refuse to look for a job and doesn't keep up with the dishes, but he spends all night playing online and sleeping all day. The worst part is when he plays into the wee hours, gets upset about how the game is going, and starts yelling obscenities. Last night he

Comments

[roaming]

well. big time suckage that can't be left without comment, so I'm commenting. No clue what to say since I don't know you or him personally, haven't commented here in years. But sounds like you should suggest -- a/k/a demand -- that he join you in counseling if he wants to keep the marriage and your family together. He did write that he considers you his best friend. And if he's depressed about not being employed, gaming is the perfect escape into the realms one has some control over. When that also gives him the middle finger . . . well, understandable that he'd overreact. But still not a good thing to do around the kids, he needs to get a grip/channel his fear of failure differently.

I hope you both will get through this to a better place, together.

[motodraconis]

Ok, first off, I'm not a qualified person, so I'm talking out of my own life experience here and out of my arse with an untrained opinion, but it sounds like he's hiding from life, possibly self-medicating depression by absorbing himself in a game world and sleeping to avoid the real world.

From my own experience, strong words, kind words, pleading or pep talks from you or chums will have little or no effect, he needs treatment. Perhaps counselling, perhaps even medication for depression. He needs to realise there is a problem and be willing to accept/seek out professional help to fix this.

The trouble is with depression, what a lot of people don't realise is that living with a depressed partner who is unwilling to accept treatment is hell on earth. The depressed person can become very selfish and even abusive, leaving the other partner shouldering all the work, all the care, every bloody thing. Untreated, you will end up depressed and ill too, you are not a bottomless pit of resources, and you may be forced to leave to conserve

[necturus]

I am more or less a random voice in the cloud, having never met any of y'all. But I have done my share of struggling with depression, albeit not recently, and a dear friend of mine lives with a depressed spouse and her situation seems very much like this one

[motodraconis]

I suspect Gardenfey has already been trying to be understanding, to explain the problems to her partner, to give him time. However, from the sounds of her post, this situation has been going on too long and is not improving, so it is time to take the next step before both partners end up locked in depression. I'm not trying to lay blame on depressed people, but severe depression is an illness, and prolonged bouts of it should be treated by experts. You would not tell the partner of a schizophrenic that professional help isn't constructive, and a bit of explaining is all that's needed. Yes, no one wants to be ill, but it is unfair to expect a partner, who has no training in mental health, to support a depressed person indefinitely and without any external support, any more than you might care for a person suffering from any treatable illness that (for example) might require medication in order to heal

[aishabintjamil]

I wish I had a handy solution for you, but he hasn't showed up for one of my face-to-face games in months, and when he does, he falls asleep. I don't think we have a whole lot of influence. The temper tantrum thing is not new. That's a behavior that made us stop wanting to play any kind of competitive game with him when he was still in college. It seemed to us to have gotten much better since the kids, but perhaps he was just managing it better.

All I can offer is a reminder that Beth and I are friends with both of you, and if you need to talk, we're here. Just pick up the phone.