The state of things

[gardenfey]

I'm not sure how much longer I will be able to stay in this marriage. Not only does Tom refuse to look for a job and doesn't keep up with the dishes, but he spends all night playing online and sleeping all day. The worst part is when he plays into the wee hours, gets upset about how the game is going, and starts yelling obscenities. Last night he

Comments

[motodraconis]

I suspect Gardenfey has already been trying to be understanding, to explain the problems to her partner, to give him time. However, from the sounds of her post, this situation has been going on too long and is not improving, so it is time to take the next step before both partners end up locked in depression. I'm not trying to lay blame on depressed people, but severe depression is an illness, and prolonged bouts of it should be treated by experts. You would not tell the partner of a schizophrenic that professional help isn't constructive, and a bit of explaining is all that's needed. Yes, no one wants to be ill, but it is unfair to expect a partner, who has no training in mental health, to support a depressed person indefinitely and without any external support, any more than you might care for a person suffering from any treatable illness that (for example) might require medication in order to heal.
My comment was strongly worded, and I suspected it might upset people. I tried to avoid this by stressing that the difficulties arise from lack of treatment, not from being depressed. You speak from personal experience, as do I. I lived with a depressed partner for 2 years, in a situation uncannily similar to the on above. True, many people come out of depression by themselves, given time, and that is excellent, but in my case, there was no improvement. I tried my utmost to talk, support, give time, all the things you mention, but to no avail. Eventually I begged him to get help, but he refused. By the end of 2 years of this I was severely depressed too and wanted to die. The stress of caring for my partner, (and putting up with the related mental abuse) also manifested in a range of physical symptoms including paralysis. I do not wish what I had on anyone, certainly not for the sake of a treatable illness. (And yes, I sought doctors help and ended up in counselling myself to recover.)

I do get that in the US, treatment my well be expensive and difficult to access. Sadly, I have no answer to that.