Douche Moves
I've had these Buffy/Riley thoughts forming for a while. My last poll on the topic finally crystallized them.
I get somewhat annoyed when I see assertions that both Buffy and Riley were at fault for the break-up or that neither person was at fault or whatnot. Any attempt to equalize blame irritates me. Here's the why:
I think the Buffy/Riley break-up needs to be divided into two periods. We'll call the period before Riley starts visiting vamp whores the "Before Douche Move" period (BDM). The time after he starts visiting the whores (specifically, when Buffy discovers his whore-visitage) we'll call "After Douche Move" (ADM).
Most people discuss the Buffy/Riley break-up in the context of BDM. They're discussing Riley's grievances. I think in this instance, there's not much Buffy could have done to rectify the problem, but I don't think Riley's at fault either. Their break-up was inevitable as they have different expectations for a relationship.
However, the Buffy/Riley relationship doesn't end in BDM. No, it ends ADM. And you know what? Yeah, I'm gonna blame Riley. I'm gonna blame Riley so fucking hard and say that he is 100% responsible for what went down.
Even after the reveal of the DM, Xander and Riley (in canon) and fans (in fandom) attempt to frame the break-up discussion within the terms of the BDM period. But you can't do that. Because whatever issues Riley had with the relationship are irrelevant to the fact that he went visiting vamp whores. This is a betrayal of Buffy not unlike if Riley had been fucking prostitutes (which is pretty much the metaphor they had going).
And I can't wrap my head around a break-up where the guy is cheating on his girlfriend with hookers, and then we're supposed to say "Pshaw! She was ignoring him!" What? Really?
No, Riley's problems with the relationship are null and void after he does that. He doesn't get to impose any demands on Buffy. And Xander, as a friend, shouldn't have tried to place the responsibility for the survival of the relationship on Buffy. BDM, yes. ADM, HELL NO!
It's clear immediately after Riley's indiscretions are revealed that Buffy needs time to rethink...everything. Because the continuance of the relationship is dependent on whether she thinks she can totes love and depend on Riley, and he's now proven that he's the kind of guy who will run off to vamp prostitutes instead of talking to her about his problems. That? Not of the good.
So Buffy's fuming. She's in the Magic Box, punching a punching bag, getting anger out. Riley does the further douche move of curtailing her anger period. No, she deserves that time to fume.
RILEY: We need to talk.
BUFFY: (continues punching) I'm not ready to talk to you yet.
Riley walks forward, removing his jacket and tossing it aside.
RILEY: Too bad.
We also see that Buffy, indeed, sees Riley's actions as akin to cheating:
RILEY: You *need* to hear this.
Buffy pulls her arm away, walks a few steps away.
BUFFY: Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores! Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't.
Then the final Douche Hammer falls when Riley demands that she make the final call on whether he stays or leaves. Thing is, he's not hinging it on whether she can forgive him. No, he's hinging it on whether she can overcome the behavior/attitude that forced him to seek out vamp whores in the first place.
He is telling her: Love me better or I'm gone. In doing so, he's implicitly laying the blame on Buffy not only for his visiting vamp whores but also for the entire failure of the relationship. You notice, there are no apologies for what he did. There are no acknowledgments that he was out of line. No, it's all about how Buffy is to blame for it.
Buffy doesn't fall for it at first until Xander comes along and reinforces everything that Riley had said. Even when Buffy tells Xander what Riley had done, Xander still chooses to focus on Buffy's failings that drove Riley to it. Again, the implicit message is that what Riley did doesn't matter. It's a natural consequence of what Buffy did (apparently, ignoring Riley).
But it does matter. Yes, it makes Riley less dependable than she'd initially thought. Despite what Xander may think, that is crucial for the Slayer. That's why she dumped Owen early on. If a boyfriend can't be dependable, then the Slayer is in big fucking trouble. Especially with Glory on the horizon.
So Buffy having to rethink whether Riley's worth the hassle? Completely understandable. Xander and Riley's attempts to redirect the blame and focus? Contemptible. Fandom totally buying into it and forgetting the fact that Riley went to vamp whores? Truly irritating.
I get somewhat annoyed when I see assertions that both Buffy and Riley were at fault for the break-up or that neither person was at fault or whatnot. Any attempt to equalize blame irritates me. Here's the why:
I think the Buffy/Riley break-up needs to be divided into two periods. We'll call the period before Riley starts visiting vamp whores the "Before Douche Move" period (BDM). The time after he starts visiting the whores (specifically, when Buffy discovers his whore-visitage) we'll call "After Douche Move" (ADM).
Most people discuss the Buffy/Riley break-up in the context of BDM. They're discussing Riley's grievances. I think in this instance, there's not much Buffy could have done to rectify the problem, but I don't think Riley's at fault either. Their break-up was inevitable as they have different expectations for a relationship.
However, the Buffy/Riley relationship doesn't end in BDM. No, it ends ADM. And you know what? Yeah, I'm gonna blame Riley. I'm gonna blame Riley so fucking hard and say that he is 100% responsible for what went down.
Even after the reveal of the DM, Xander and Riley (in canon) and fans (in fandom) attempt to frame the break-up discussion within the terms of the BDM period. But you can't do that. Because whatever issues Riley had with the relationship are irrelevant to the fact that he went visiting vamp whores. This is a betrayal of Buffy not unlike if Riley had been fucking prostitutes (which is pretty much the metaphor they had going).
And I can't wrap my head around a break-up where the guy is cheating on his girlfriend with hookers, and then we're supposed to say "Pshaw! She was ignoring him!" What? Really?
No, Riley's problems with the relationship are null and void after he does that. He doesn't get to impose any demands on Buffy. And Xander, as a friend, shouldn't have tried to place the responsibility for the survival of the relationship on Buffy. BDM, yes. ADM, HELL NO!
It's clear immediately after Riley's indiscretions are revealed that Buffy needs time to rethink...everything. Because the continuance of the relationship is dependent on whether she thinks she can totes love and depend on Riley, and he's now proven that he's the kind of guy who will run off to vamp prostitutes instead of talking to her about his problems. That? Not of the good.
So Buffy's fuming. She's in the Magic Box, punching a punching bag, getting anger out. Riley does the further douche move of curtailing her anger period. No, she deserves that time to fume.
RILEY: We need to talk.
BUFFY: (continues punching) I'm not ready to talk to you yet.
Riley walks forward, removing his jacket and tossing it aside.
RILEY: Too bad.
We also see that Buffy, indeed, sees Riley's actions as akin to cheating:
RILEY: You *need* to hear this.
Buffy pulls her arm away, walks a few steps away.
BUFFY: Fine. Fine! Tell me about your whores! Tell me what on earth they were giving you that I can't.
Then the final Douche Hammer falls when Riley demands that she make the final call on whether he stays or leaves. Thing is, he's not hinging it on whether she can forgive him. No, he's hinging it on whether she can overcome the behavior/attitude that forced him to seek out vamp whores in the first place.
He is telling her: Love me better or I'm gone. In doing so, he's implicitly laying the blame on Buffy not only for his visiting vamp whores but also for the entire failure of the relationship. You notice, there are no apologies for what he did. There are no acknowledgments that he was out of line. No, it's all about how Buffy is to blame for it.
Buffy doesn't fall for it at first until Xander comes along and reinforces everything that Riley had said. Even when Buffy tells Xander what Riley had done, Xander still chooses to focus on Buffy's failings that drove Riley to it. Again, the implicit message is that what Riley did doesn't matter. It's a natural consequence of what Buffy did (apparently, ignoring Riley).
But it does matter. Yes, it makes Riley less dependable than she'd initially thought. Despite what Xander may think, that is crucial for the Slayer. That's why she dumped Owen early on. If a boyfriend can't be dependable, then the Slayer is in big fucking trouble. Especially with Glory on the horizon.
So Buffy having to rethink whether Riley's worth the hassle? Completely understandable. Xander and Riley's attempts to redirect the blame and focus? Contemptible. Fandom totally buying into it and forgetting the fact that Riley went to vamp whores? Truly irritating.