In the Buffyverse, the Slayer reviews *you*
Yeah, yeah. I'm rewatching S5 which means I have a lot of fangirling ahead.
So, Checkpoint. One of my fav S5 episodes (You know...behind FFL, The Gift, The Body, Intervention, Crush, etc etc). It's like a companion piece to S3's Helpless in terms of the feminist text. And, oh hey! I totally gushed all over about Helpless earlier.
Now rather than spew out random blobs of fangirly text about the feminism of the episode, I'm just gonna redo the episode and bring the feminist text to the forefront so you can't miss it. Really. Okay, maybe you can, but this amuses me anyway.
Also! goldenusagi made macros to go along with this! It's pretty much MADE OF AWESOME!
Giles: Hai. So, the patriarchy Council is gonna be coming here.
Buffy: What? No way! They like to try to kill me because I am a weak and helpless girl. Giles, as my male overseer, tell your former compadres not to come. Please? Pretty please?
Giles: But we totally need them, sweetie.
Buffy: Woe is me.
*
Jinx: Hey, Holy One. You so need the Key and you're running out of time!
Glory: My shoes are awesome. And Buffy's a widdle baby girly-girl and I will merely have to flick at her to get her out of my way.
*
Giles: Oh, hai competent-looking-witch-type-customer. Let me patronize you about that book you're about to purchase. I don't want you hurting yourself or anything.
Travers: Hai, Rupert, the patriarchy's Council's here.
Giles: Oh noes! What's going on?
Travers: We're kinda taking over. Just because we can. Oh, and we have the information you need, but we wanna watch you jump through these silly hoops to get it. Again, just because we can.
Giles: No, my poor girl! You'll see! She'll totally pwn you guys.
*
Professor: Rasputin was a dude. Stuff happened.
Buffy: Mumblemumble.
Professor: What? A girl interrupting my lecture? Stand up so I can humiliate you in front of the class!
Buffy: Um...let me present an alternative theory about Rasputin. New ideas! Yay!
Professor: No, no, no! New ideas are bad! I'm a stodgy old man and you are a silly girl. You can't possibly contribute anything to this or any other field because other penis-wielders dominate and shall not step down!
Buffy: Um...but you guys have been wrong before. Like...Vikings and stuff?
Professor: Curses! I shall now berate you heavily with insults to put you in your place, you filthy bitch!
*
Buffy: What a douchebag! I'm totally taking my anger out on this random vampire now!
Spike: Hey, did you see that, Slayer? I saved your life! Me, the big burly man-hunk swooped down to rescue the damsel! Thanks and kisses now?
Buffy: Whatevs. I don't need you, Spike, cause you're icky.
Spike: See, with that attitude no man will ever want you. They'll run away like Riley because you're all self-sufficient and unneedy.
Buffy: Okay, now you're being a douche.
Spike: Oh, and you're boring, too, now that you aren't gonna shower me with affection for rescuing you. I'm off.
*
Travers: Oh, Buffy! Sweetie, it's wonderful to see you still alive and not dead.
Buffy: Man, this day sucks.
Travers: We wanna see you fight so we can make fun of you.
Buffy: Do we have to?
Travers: Yes. We think girls look silly when they fight. We're also gonna interrogate everybody you know about how much you suck.
Buffy: You're kidding...
Travers: Don't forget your place, sweetie. We're the patriarchy Council. The establishment. We're always here, chilling, throwing our power around and building these disposable weapons - you - and then discarding them when they...you know...die. You're our instrument.
Giles: Dammit! My manly righteous anger is boiling at how you're speaking of my girl!
Travers: Hush now. I think the little lady is understanding me. Glory is a way better weapon than you are, but with our established power we can imbue you with the strength and info needed to kick her ass. But first you must submit to us fully and completely through this review thing.
Giles: You bearded toad-licker!
Buffy: Giles, calm down, okay? I'm a girl and, therefore, accustomed to being talked down to and overpowered in such a fashion. You get kinda used to it.
Travers: Damn right. And I wanna flash our power some more so let me threaten to close down the shop and deport Giles if you give me lip.
Buffy: What? You can't do that!
Travers: Oh, hell yes I can! Now I know you have a vagina and are not used to playing with the big kids, sweetie, but we're all grownups now, capishe?
*
Travers: Have a blindfold. We're gonna make this near impossible for you so we can knowingly shake our heads when you fail.
Buffy: Huh? Blindfold?
Travers: Oh, and you're gonna fight on our terms. So follow my instructions that I shall call out in a language you're not familiar with. If you fail to meet our terms, you'll be branded a failure. Really, we all know that girls can't cut it in the world menfolk have carved out, right?
Buffy: Uh...what language? Wait!
Travers: And let the humiliation begin!
Giles: Ah, I'm completely useless at helping my girl play by their terms. Curse my inadequacy!
Buffy: Wah! What's going on?!
Travers: Our-yay a upid-stay irl-gay.
Buffy: Huh?
Travers: Giles, your girl is completely inept.
Buffy: Screw this mess. I'm playing by my own rules!
Travers: Huh. You just killed the dummy. Silly girl.
Buffy: Gah...you know, I think I'm on my period. You know that makes girls go all woozy and crazy and incompetent, right?
Travers: Well, you obviously suck at fighting, like most girls do. We're gonna do the actual review next. Go redo your make up or whatever you girls do to get ready.
*
Buffy: Ugh. That all sucked.
Glory: Hi, hon. I'm in your house!
Buffy: Eek!
Glory: So, your place is tiny and I hate it. But it fits you, because you're tiny and insignificant. So go you!
Buffy: What's up?
Glory: Okay, so I really really need the Key really bad, and for that I need you and I need you alive. But don't get all cocky about it, okay? I'm totally a bigger badass than you are and I could so squish you if I really wanted to. In fact, I do want to, so you should really just do whatever I ask and hand over the Key, okay? Oh, and worship me.
Buffy: You're a very intimidating woman.
Glory: Damn right, bitch! Now I'm gonna totes kill your family and friends if you don't hand over the Key, k? And don't go thinking I need you or anything. Cause, whatevs. Bye now.
Joyce: Buffy, who was the crazy lady who randomly appeared in our house?
Buffy: Pack a bag. I need to hide you and Dawn. Oh, and I need to change my pants.
*
Spike: Huh? What's up with all this?
Buffy: I need you to look after my family.
Spike: Why's that? Have you become all powerless and chipped like me?
Buffy: No...
Spike: Cause it amuses me to see you cowed by the establishment.
Buffy: Please, Spike? You're manly and strong and you can protect them while I go get told my place by the patriarchy Council.
Spike: Fine, then.
*
Travers: Hey, your girl's late, Rupes.
Giles: She's gonna be here!
Travers: Yes, but it amuses me that she's living up to the horribly low expectations we've set for her. Oh, girls are such silly, silly creatures.
*
Buffy: Oh shit! A bunch of armor-wearing attackers! And I'm late!
Knight: Crap! You pwnd me!
Buffy: So who are you?
Knight: Me? Though I have a penis, I am insignificant. You, however, you are the Slayer. You are the vagina with power and you're protecting the Key, which I'm pledged to destroy. We're terrified before your pussy power, but we shall send thousands of men if that's what's needed to defeat you.
Buffy: Thousands of men? Really?
Knight: Yes really. You gonna kill me with your womanly might?
Buffy: Nah, I don't think so. But you've given me an epiphany now. Yay!
*
Travers: You're late! How dare you not bow to our manly timetable, you stupid stupid girl.
Buffy: Uh huh.
Travers: Well, now we'll begin this "review" thing, though you have no hope of passing it.
Buffy: No review, gramps.
Travers: Huh?
Buffy: Nope. Not gonna do it. And no interruptions, cause I have some pretty pivotal thoughts here.
See, everybody's been down on me and telling me how much I suck for being a chick. But they're all just jealous cause I actually have all the power here. And you patriarchy Council dudes with your established "rules" that I supposedly have to follow, but that's just to keep me under your thumb so you can use my power, and it's really dumb cause without me you're all just a bunch of pathetic losers.
Nigel: You stupid girl -
Buffy: Check out my sword, punk!
So listen here, boys, I'm setting up some new rules. You give me the info I need to kill this bitch and then you're gonna toddle back off to England. And you'll be at my beck and call cause you know what? I'm the fucking Slayer! Yep, that's right. You don't own me; I own you. And don't diss on my friends either, capishe?
So we're gonna work together on this one. Think about that, k? But Quentin, sweetie, I wanna hear what you think. Cause I think you're understanding me.
Travers: Shit. We just got pwnd by a girl.
Scoobies: Yay! Girl power!
Buffy: See? We can all get along. Too bad you're gonna be all blown up in a couple years...
So, Checkpoint. One of my fav S5 episodes (You know...behind FFL, The Gift, The Body, Intervention, Crush, etc etc). It's like a companion piece to S3's Helpless in terms of the feminist text. And, oh hey! I totally gushed all over about Helpless earlier.
Now rather than spew out random blobs of fangirly text about the feminism of the episode, I'm just gonna redo the episode and bring the feminist text to the forefront so you can't miss it. Really. Okay, maybe you can, but this amuses me anyway.
Also! goldenusagi made macros to go along with this! It's pretty much MADE OF AWESOME!
Giles: Hai. So, the patriarchy Council is gonna be coming here.
Buffy: What? No way! They like to try to kill me because I am a weak and helpless girl. Giles, as my male overseer, tell your former compadres not to come. Please? Pretty please?
Giles: But we totally need them, sweetie.
Buffy: Woe is me.
*
Jinx: Hey, Holy One. You so need the Key and you're running out of time!
Glory: My shoes are awesome. And Buffy's a widdle baby girly-girl and I will merely have to flick at her to get her out of my way.
*
Giles: Oh, hai competent-looking-witch-type-customer. Let me patronize you about that book you're about to purchase. I don't want you hurting yourself or anything.
Travers: Hai, Rupert, the patriarchy's Council's here.
Giles: Oh noes! What's going on?
Travers: We're kinda taking over. Just because we can. Oh, and we have the information you need, but we wanna watch you jump through these silly hoops to get it. Again, just because we can.
Giles: No, my poor girl! You'll see! She'll totally pwn you guys.
*
Professor: Rasputin was a dude. Stuff happened.
Buffy: Mumblemumble.
Professor: What? A girl interrupting my lecture? Stand up so I can humiliate you in front of the class!
Buffy: Um...let me present an alternative theory about Rasputin. New ideas! Yay!
Professor: No, no, no! New ideas are bad! I'm a stodgy old man and you are a silly girl. You can't possibly contribute anything to this or any other field because other penis-wielders dominate and shall not step down!
Buffy: Um...but you guys have been wrong before. Like...Vikings and stuff?
Professor: Curses! I shall now berate you heavily with insults to put you in your place, you filthy bitch!
*
Buffy: What a douchebag! I'm totally taking my anger out on this random vampire now!
Spike: Hey, did you see that, Slayer? I saved your life! Me, the big burly man-hunk swooped down to rescue the damsel! Thanks and kisses now?
Buffy: Whatevs. I don't need you, Spike, cause you're icky.
Spike: See, with that attitude no man will ever want you. They'll run away like Riley because you're all self-sufficient and unneedy.
Buffy: Okay, now you're being a douche.
Spike: Oh, and you're boring, too, now that you aren't gonna shower me with affection for rescuing you. I'm off.
*
Travers: Oh, Buffy! Sweetie, it's wonderful to see you still alive and not dead.
Buffy: Man, this day sucks.
Travers: We wanna see you fight so we can make fun of you.
Buffy: Do we have to?
Travers: Yes. We think girls look silly when they fight. We're also gonna interrogate everybody you know about how much you suck.
Buffy: You're kidding...
Travers: Don't forget your place, sweetie. We're the patriarchy Council. The establishment. We're always here, chilling, throwing our power around and building these disposable weapons - you - and then discarding them when they...you know...die. You're our instrument.
Giles: Dammit! My manly righteous anger is boiling at how you're speaking of my girl!
Travers: Hush now. I think the little lady is understanding me. Glory is a way better weapon than you are, but with our established power we can imbue you with the strength and info needed to kick her ass. But first you must submit to us fully and completely through this review thing.
Giles: You bearded toad-licker!
Buffy: Giles, calm down, okay? I'm a girl and, therefore, accustomed to being talked down to and overpowered in such a fashion. You get kinda used to it.
Travers: Damn right. And I wanna flash our power some more so let me threaten to close down the shop and deport Giles if you give me lip.
Buffy: What? You can't do that!
Travers: Oh, hell yes I can! Now I know you have a vagina and are not used to playing with the big kids, sweetie, but we're all grownups now, capishe?
*
Travers: Have a blindfold. We're gonna make this near impossible for you so we can knowingly shake our heads when you fail.
Buffy: Huh? Blindfold?
Travers: Oh, and you're gonna fight on our terms. So follow my instructions that I shall call out in a language you're not familiar with. If you fail to meet our terms, you'll be branded a failure. Really, we all know that girls can't cut it in the world menfolk have carved out, right?
Buffy: Uh...what language? Wait!
Travers: And let the humiliation begin!
Giles: Ah, I'm completely useless at helping my girl play by their terms. Curse my inadequacy!
Buffy: Wah! What's going on?!
Travers: Our-yay a upid-stay irl-gay.
Buffy: Huh?
Travers: Giles, your girl is completely inept.
Buffy: Screw this mess. I'm playing by my own rules!
Travers: Huh. You just killed the dummy. Silly girl.
Buffy: Gah...you know, I think I'm on my period. You know that makes girls go all woozy and crazy and incompetent, right?
Travers: Well, you obviously suck at fighting, like most girls do. We're gonna do the actual review next. Go redo your make up or whatever you girls do to get ready.
*
Buffy: Ugh. That all sucked.
Glory: Hi, hon. I'm in your house!
Buffy: Eek!
Glory: So, your place is tiny and I hate it. But it fits you, because you're tiny and insignificant. So go you!
Buffy: What's up?
Glory: Okay, so I really really need the Key really bad, and for that I need you and I need you alive. But don't get all cocky about it, okay? I'm totally a bigger badass than you are and I could so squish you if I really wanted to. In fact, I do want to, so you should really just do whatever I ask and hand over the Key, okay? Oh, and worship me.
Buffy: You're a very intimidating woman.
Glory: Damn right, bitch! Now I'm gonna totes kill your family and friends if you don't hand over the Key, k? And don't go thinking I need you or anything. Cause, whatevs. Bye now.
Joyce: Buffy, who was the crazy lady who randomly appeared in our house?
Buffy: Pack a bag. I need to hide you and Dawn. Oh, and I need to change my pants.
*
Spike: Huh? What's up with all this?
Buffy: I need you to look after my family.
Spike: Why's that? Have you become all powerless and chipped like me?
Buffy: No...
Spike: Cause it amuses me to see you cowed by the establishment.
Buffy: Please, Spike? You're manly and strong and you can protect them while I go get told my place by the patriarchy Council.
Spike: Fine, then.
*
Travers: Hey, your girl's late, Rupes.
Giles: She's gonna be here!
Travers: Yes, but it amuses me that she's living up to the horribly low expectations we've set for her. Oh, girls are such silly, silly creatures.
*
Buffy: Oh shit! A bunch of armor-wearing attackers! And I'm late!
Knight: Crap! You pwnd me!
Buffy: So who are you?
Knight: Me? Though I have a penis, I am insignificant. You, however, you are the Slayer. You are the vagina with power and you're protecting the Key, which I'm pledged to destroy. We're terrified before your pussy power, but we shall send thousands of men if that's what's needed to defeat you.
Buffy: Thousands of men? Really?
Knight: Yes really. You gonna kill me with your womanly might?
Buffy: Nah, I don't think so. But you've given me an epiphany now. Yay!
*
Travers: You're late! How dare you not bow to our manly timetable, you stupid stupid girl.
Buffy: Uh huh.
Travers: Well, now we'll begin this "review" thing, though you have no hope of passing it.
Buffy: No review, gramps.
Travers: Huh?
Buffy: Nope. Not gonna do it. And no interruptions, cause I have some pretty pivotal thoughts here.
See, everybody's been down on me and telling me how much I suck for being a chick. But they're all just jealous cause I actually have all the power here. And you patriarchy Council dudes with your established "rules" that I supposedly have to follow, but that's just to keep me under your thumb so you can use my power, and it's really dumb cause without me you're all just a bunch of pathetic losers.
Nigel: You stupid girl -
Buffy: Check out my sword, punk!
So listen here, boys, I'm setting up some new rules. You give me the info I need to kill this bitch and then you're gonna toddle back off to England. And you'll be at my beck and call cause you know what? I'm the fucking Slayer! Yep, that's right. You don't own me; I own you. And don't diss on my friends either, capishe?
So we're gonna work together on this one. Think about that, k? But Quentin, sweetie, I wanna hear what you think. Cause I think you're understanding me.
Travers: Shit. We just got pwnd by a girl.
Scoobies: Yay! Girl power!
Buffy: See? We can all get along. Too bad you're gonna be all blown up in a couple years...