Unravelling Zeke - Perspective
Banner by aliensouldream
Title: Perspective
Author: Gabi
Fandom: The Faculty
Pairing: Z/C
Rating: R
Summary: Casey's in for a long night.
Disclaimer: I own neither the rights nor the characters. If I did, Mr Tyler would be sporting a lovely new collar. I make no money. I have no money. Don’t sue me.
Note: beta’d by Aliensouldream. I lurve you. Thank you xxx
Previous
Epiphany / Party & Boring / Plans / Casa Del Tyler / The Suit / Mom / Hate You / Meet the Connors / New York - Friday / New York - Saturday / New York - Sunday / Texting / The Deal / Complex / Snow / Pictures of You / A Connor Christmas / Missed This / Photogenic / New Years Eve / Trust / Saint Valentine / Spring Break / Calm / Storm / Stages / Whispers / Echoes / Stokely / I Love You / Mercy / Thrift / Messenger / Anticipation / So Talk / Sand / Insomnia / Penance / Signals / Murdock / Pilot / Concert / Midnight
Casey woke to darkness on full alert. The anguished cry still ringing in his ears. He’d drifted to sleep exhausted, sated and content with Zeke’s mouth against the back of his neck, warm regular breaths lulling him into slumber with their fingers linked across his chest. He’d woken to a jolt and a cry; now replaced by distressed pants.
He turned in the darkness and from the low sodium street light filtering through the curtains he could see Zeke’s silhouette, hunched over and gasping for air. He pulled himself up onto one elbow and reached over. “Zeke? You’re ok, you were dreaming.”
“Couldn’t wake up.” he choked. He pulled the covers back and unsteadily got out of bed.
“Where you going?” Casey asked with concern.
“Shower. Go back to sleep.”
Casey watched the outline move across the darkened room, squinting as Zeke turned on the bathroom light. He lay in the dark wondering what he should do. Should he go check on him? Go keep him company? Make him a coffee? Or give him his space and wait?
He chose to give him some space, never intending to fall asleep to the soothing sounds of a running shower.
~*~
It was still dark when he became vaguely aware of his surroundings. Bed. Hotel room. Zeke. He rolled to get closer to the comfort of his boyfriend, waking fully when he rolled into an empty space. No Zeke. He opened his eyes and glanced around the dark room. Zeke wasn’t sitting at the table. Zeke wasn’t in the room.
Forcing back a panic he sat up fully, trying to clear his sleep haze. It was then that he spotted the thin strip of light beneath the bathroom door. It was deathly silent. The shower wasn’t running and no sound drifted from the bathroom. He sat still for a moment, straining for any sound of movement.
He had no idea how long he’d slept. It could be a few minutes and Zeke was drying off, or it could be a few hours for all he knew. He felt no less panicked than when first he realised he was alone.
Pulling back the covers he got up, padded across the room and pressed his ear to the door.
Nothing.
Biting back a rising dread he called out. “Zeke?”
Nothing.
What would he find if he just walked in? Would he find Zeke… No. Don’t. He took a steadying breath and tried to banish the worst case scenario images flashing through his mind. You’re being dramatic. Calm down. He’s not answered for good reason. Some reason, anyway. Just check on him. It’s okay.
Unable to bear it any longer he opened the door with trembling fingers and a pounding heart; blinded by the bright fluorescent light. He willed his sight to adjust quickly, ignoring the searing pain behind his eyes. He let out a hard breath when he spotted his lover, sitting naked on a towel on the lid of the toilet, resting his elbows on his knees, hunched forward and staring at the floor.
“Zeke?”
Nothing.
As he stepped forward, he noticed that Zeke’s hair was almost completely dry, just remnants of damp on the longer hairs at the back. His usually smooth skin was raised in goose bumps. How long had he been sat there? He had to think fast. Zeke was conscious but appeared catatonic. Casey had no idea why. Shock? Lost in thought? Trauma? What? Should he touch him to snap him out of it? Shake him? Call for help? What the fuck was he supposed to do?
He took another step forward and crouched in front of his vacant boyfriend. “Zeke? Baby, look at me.”
Zeke’s eyes briefly snapped up to Casey’s.
“Oh thank god. You frightened the life out of me.” He reached out to comfort him and balked at how cold the boy’s shoulder was. “Jesus, you’re freezing! How long have you been sat here?”
Nothing.
Casey stopped trying for answers. His immediate priority was to get Zeke warm and dry. He stood, grabbed a towel from the shelf and wrapped it round Zeke’s shoulders, lightly rubbing it against his skin. He soon noticed that Zeke was trembling, the shakes growing in intensity. “You shaking or shivering?” he asked, not stopping.
“Dunno.” he replied in a soft distant voice.
It was a reaction at least. He grabbed another towel and used it to dry Zeke’s hair then tucked both towels round him as best he could to trap in the warmth. It wasn’t easy. Zeke hadn’t moved. “Come on. Let’s get you back in bed.”
Zeke didn’t respond except to tense when Casey tried to help him up by the arm.
“Zeke… Zeke, you’re freezing. Come on, you need to get warm.”
When Zeke still refused to move, Casey crouched in front of him again, ready to plead with the boy who was still shaking, staring at nothing. “I…” Zeke started, obviously distressed, “I don’t know what to do.”
Casey tried to keep a level head. Panicking now would only make matters worse. “You don’t have to do anything right now, ok? Just come to bed.” he coaxed, “Just to get warm. Please.” When Zeke didn’t react he cupped Zeke’s face. “Look at me.” The shift of focus only offered a tiny level of comfort. He’d never seen the boy so utterly lost. “Oh, baby.” He wrapped his arms around Zeke’s neck and pulled him into a desperate embrace. “Please come to bed.” he begged.
He felt Zeke’s slight nod against his neck and pulled back to help him up. Zeke hugged the towel round himself and allowed himself to be led out into the bedroom. Casey turned on the light, pulled back the covers and waited for him to get into bed.
Zeke sat with his back against the wall, silently refusing to lie down. Probably too scared to go back to sleep, Casey thought. Instead of insisting, he opened the wardrobe and pulled another blanket from the top shelf. He wrapped it tightly round his boyfriend and fought the urge to fuss further, choosing to fill the kettle instead. He didn’t care if they had decaf coffee, he just needed to get hot liquids inside him.
As Casey filled the kettle in the bathroom basin he made the mistake of looking at himself in the mirror. You’re in over your head, pal. That broken boy in the bedroom is way beyond fucked. Do you know what you’re doing? Is this helping? He’s gone, Casey. You took charge of his wellbeing and you lost him. He was right… you couldn’t help him. So what you gonna do with him now?
“Shut up.” he whispered, diverting his eyes and turning off the tap. He almost dropped the kettle when he lifted it out of the basin, shakily dropping it back onto the unit. His fingers trembled as he struggled to fight back the panicked, hopeless tears.
He couldn’t be gone. He couldn’t be. He looked at you. He spoke. He’s still in there. You’re over reacting. This is just… It’s just… distress. Distress or… something… but he’s still there! You’re just tired. And he’s tired, right? It’ll be ok.
Casey warred with himself, trying to convince himself that this was just a blip. That it wasn’t an actual breakdown. He’d never actually meant it when he told Zeke he knew he’d have one. That he’d merely slow it down. He meant… he meant he’d ease his distress, he’d slow the symptoms. He never thought Zeke would have an actual mental breakdown. And never so soon. Not now. Not just when he’d got him back. It wasn’t fair!
You’re over reacting. Make him a coffee. Warm him up. Let him… let him find himself. It’ll be ok. Just deal. Get out there, Angel. Do your job... Fix him.
He took a deep breath, told his reflection to go fuck itself and carried the kettle with shaky hands back into the bedroom.
There was silence as Casey made their drinks with grim determination, but when he tentatively held the mug of coffee out, Zeke took it, hugging it in both hands and resting it on his blanket clad knees in front of his chest. He stared forward at the base of the opposite mirror, actively avoiding looking himself in the eye.
Casey didn’t know what to do with himself. Whether he should try and snap him out of it or whether he should leave him to come round in his own time. He decided just to sit next to him for a while. See if he had the presence of mind to drink his coffee. If he did, there was some hope. Casey still had to tell himself it would work out. That he’d be okay. He wouldn’t appreciate Casey calling for help that might result in him ending up in some… what? Asylum? What the fuck?
Leave him be. He’ll be fine.
He sat beside his shell of a boyfriend and tried not to mourn the loss. Still trying to convince himself that Zeke was coming back. He sat quietly and waited for Zeke to drink the hot liquid that would warm him up. He waited. He waited some more. After ten minutes he nudged him gently. “Zeke? Drink your coffee before it goes cold.”
Zeke’s focus shifted to the mug in his hands, staring at it, seemingly with confusion, as if he couldn’t quite remember how it got there. Slowly, he lifted it to his lips and drank.
It was a mild relief. Casey watched him stare at the same spot whilst taking regular sips of his now lukewarm coffee, hugging it in place and just tilting it to drink. At least he’d stopped shaking. Now, while he was actively taking part in something that required brain cells, might be a good time to get him to snap out of whatever it was.
He risked rubbing the back of his hand down Zeke’s blanket covered arm. He remembered not to touch his back. He didn’t yet know why, but he had an idea that in his current state, it would freak him the fuck out. “Baby, talk to me.”
Zeke didn’t speak, but the subtle change in his expression brought Casey a burst of hope. Zeke was struggling with something. Deep in thought and deeply disturbed but it was a cold hope. Zeke was thinking. Zeke was in there, no matter how trapped he was in his own mind.
Casey held his breath as the boy inhaled as if to speak, but his agonised expression offered no words and silence remained as Zeke swallowed hard and continued to stare ahead. He was trying. It was enough for Casey. He leant his head against Zeke’s shoulder and succumbed to silence. He’d stay up all night if need be. If Zeke couldn’t sleep then neither would he. Partly to keep a worried eye on him, but mostly in the hope that Zeke wouldn’t feel alone.
He just hoped Zeke knew he was there.
~*~
Almost two hours had passed when Zeke finally, quietly, choked a word. “Sorry.”
The sudden sound almost made Casey jump, startling him out of his rapidly spiralling anxiety. The apology raised a multitude of questions, but Casey settled on one. He stroked Zeke’s arm through the blanket. “Sorry for what, baby?”
“I…” He paused, still staring ahead, attempting to find the words. “I…lost perspective… for a while.”
Lost perspective? Casey couldn’t wrap his brain around a level of perspective that would have such a hugely detrimental effect on such an intelligent human being. It was obvious that Zeke faced a future so short, so frightening that it must overwhelm him, to the point where it's just too big. But why now? Why tonight?
There was, of course, the aspect of their renewed relationship. But Casey refused to believe that something so steeped in love and respect could be so mind-bendingly damaging to Zeke. No. It had to be the nightmare. Zeke had said that he couldn’t wake up. Something must have happened in that nightmare to cause Zeke to lose his grip on reality, or sanity, or something for a while until he managed to talk himself down.
Or at least that was the best guess that Casey had and it explained enough for now. Zeke still looked disturbed, almost… yeah, frightened. “Are you ok?”
It took a minute for Zeke to gather his thoughts enough to speak again. “I dunno.” He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw against some reaction or emotion that Casey could only imagine. When he reopened them and sighed, he straightened a little. Some resolve finding it’s way back to the surface. He offered Casey a small reassuring smile. “I’m ok.”
It wasn’t the reassurance Casey hoped it would be. “Don’t lie to me.” he said softly. “I think we’re past that.”
Zeke shrugged. “On a scale of one to happily ever after? I’m not so hot… On a scale of one to getting through today? I’m ok.” He flashed a sad smile. “All a matter of perspective, right?”
Yeah, he guessed it was. After all, didn’t his ‘forget the future - live in the here and now’ attitude help him cope recently? He nodded. “I guess.” He reached up and idly ran his fingers through soft, now dry hair; caressing the back of Zeke’s scalp. “You gonna tell me what happened in there?”
Zeke stared ahead. “Nope.”
“Please?” He didn’t want to use how panicked he’d been as a persuasion tool, knowing that Zeke would refuse to tell him to avoid scaring him further. “You were pretty far gone.”
“I was just… thinking.”
“About what?”
He shrugged then inhaled sharply and snapped out of himself. “Can we not discuss this right now? It’s supposed to be our anniversary and I know I fucked it, but I’d rather get through the rest of the day without dwelling on it.”
Casey knew it would be a futile effort trying to push him at the moment and perhaps he was right. Perhaps, for today at least, putting it behind them was the sanest option. Zeke was back in the room and holding a conversation. He was obviously over the worst of it and the relief would carry Casey for a while. “Okay.” he conceded. “But…” he added with emphasis, “before we leave on Sunday you have to tell me what happened in there and what fucked up kinda nightmare did that to you.”
Zeke contemplated this for a moment. His eventual response was not one Casey welcomed. “What’s the punishment for a refusal?”
He rolled his eyes. “Look… I know you don’t wanna talk about it, but you scared me in there and I need to know what happened in case it happens again.”
“It won’t.”
“Zeke, seriously.”
“It won’t!”
“Can you promise that? Did you think it would happen when it did? Cos…”
“Alright! Christ! Sunday!” he snapped. “Jesus!”
Casey tried to step it down a level. He spoke quietly. “You’ll tell me?”
Zeke stiffened in frustration. “Yes!”
At the escalating tone he felt the desire to defend himself, explain his motives for pushing Zeke and to try to make him understand why it was so important for Casey to understand. “I know it’s hard… and I know I’m pestering, but I”
“I said I would, alright?”
Casey snapped his mouth closed, stung and guilty. “Sorry.” He heard a deep tension releasing sigh beside him. Their anniversary wasn’t going the way it was supposed to. But what did he expect? Fairytales and roses? They had a huge, potentially lethal threat hanging over their heads. Did he really think Zeke would suddenly be happy and healthy? Did he honestly think they’d magically forget that they had less than three weeks left? Twenty days. Technically nineteen now. That was all. That was all they had left.
Nineteen days…
“I love you.” he choked.
“I know.” Zeke untangled his arms from the blanket and placed his mug on the shelf. He held the cocoon of blanket open as an invite. “C’mere.” As Casey climbed into the embrace the blanket closed around him, holding him warm, safe and secure against Zeke’s skin. “I love you too.”
“I know.” He snuggled into the heat of soft skin, comforted by a steady heartbeat and gentle caresses.
They sat together in their silent embrace, breathing deeply and calmly until the heat and comfort won out over Casey’s remaining anguish. He drifted off to sleep, encompassed in the protective cocoon of his lover.