(no subject)
Title: How Did This Happen?
Author: serene_ray
Rating: M but NC-17 eventually.
Notes: Addison and Alex-centric with other characters involved.
Disclaimer: I don`t own Grey`s Anatomy.
Summary: The growing dynamics of a friendship/relationship between Addison and Alex.
One
Two
Three
Four
Five
Six
Seven
Eight
Nine
Ten
Eleven
Twelve
Thirteen
Chapter 14: When I Ain’t Close To You I Cry
Mark walked into the break room, sighing heavily as he looked around at the seemingly empty space, he didn’t notice Derek sitting on the other side of the door with his laptop in his lap. Mark walked over to the coffee pot and poured himself a cup. He had been thoroughly contemplating his new found plan in his head since he had seen Izzie Steven’s very obvious reaction at the sight of Addison with Alex. He had to be careful though, he couldn’t make his desperation to create a wedge between the two of them cloud and rush the simple, guaranteed demise of that bond if he used Izzie as the pawn he knew she was capable of being. He just had to be smart and keep his cards close to his chest. He turned around as his thoughts still swirled and almost dropped his coffee when he saw Derek sitting in complete silence as he looked up at Mark.
“My God,” Mark exclaimed loudly, “You scared me half to death.”
“Maybe you should be more aware of your surroundings. You never know when you could get a knife in the back.” Derek replied loosely.
Mark chose not to indulge him with responding to that statement. “So, what? You weren’t going to say anything and just sit in the corner? Sounds like your style.”
“I was hoping you wouldn’t stop for small talk.” Derek countered, feeling the irritation from Mark’s presence build in his veins.
“Yeah, well sorry to disappoint you.”
“Well what can I say, it‘s not like it‘s the first time.” Derek said bitterly as he looked down at his laptop. It was hard for him to look at Mark for too long, he felt levels of betrayals that reached depressing depths. It still infuriated him that he had taken a job in Seattle. Derek knew exactly why; to fight for Addison. It made his blood boil.
“Derek, your pride is absolutely nauseating. I hate to break it to you, but not everyone can live on pedestals placed so high.”
“Do you even hear yourself?” Derek asked with a sarcastic chuckle. “Most can go through life managing to keep their hands off of somebody else’s wife. Especially when said person claims to be their best friend.”
“We were best friends.”
“Best friends don’t do what you did to me, Mark. They just don’t.” Derek exclaimed evenly, interlacing his fingers as he studied Mark’s stance.
“If it makes you feel better to put all the blame on me, my all means. I can take it. But we both know you had a hand in it.”
“Me? Are you out of your mind?” Derek asked, his voice raising slightly.
“You weren’t there for her, Derek. You weren’t emotionally present. You were cold, you were distant, you were vacant. What was she supposed to do?”
“Oh, so what? You just had to swoop in a save the day?”
“I watched her crumble Derek and yes, I was there to put the pieces back together.”
“Do you want a fucking metal?” Derek exclaimed, he slammed his laptop shut and quickly pushed it off his lap onto the chair next to him. “Do you think you’re some goddamn hero? Because I can assure you, you’re still the chump who tried to wreck a marriage.”
“I was succeeding for awhile there.” Mark mumbled under his breath and Derek bit his tongue, as he felt the muscles in his hand twitch. He clenched his fist briefly while trying to control the pure distain running through his veins. “I fell in love with her Derek.”
“You have no clue what it’s like to be in love with Addison. You can think you do all you want but you haven’t the faintest idea.”
“So, that’s it, huh? I get all the blame and you can’t even acknowledge your role in the whole thing, or hers even?”
“Don’t presume to tell me anything about her role in it. I already know. It takes two and all that jazz. I punished her for months. I can’t do it anymore.”
“So you’re just going to pretend to love her? You did it for the last couple of years so you figure, why not let’s just add a few more?”
“I want you to listen to me very carefully. She left New York to come find me. To fight for me. She left you because she knew she couldn’t make it work with you. No matter how hard she might have willed it to be so in her head, it never was and I’ll tell you why. Because Addison loves me and she always will.”
“You can’t love her the way she deserves Derek and you know that. Just let her go.”
“Not a chance, buddy. Why don’t you just save yourself the trouble and just go home?”
Mark saw the determination in Derek’s eyes and it shocked him. Not because he didn’t think Derek didn’t love Addison anymore but because he truly thought Derek wouldn’t fight for her. He never really had to. She had always fought for him. Mark’s eyes shifted as he looked around the empty break room, he took a deep breath to calm his rising anger.
“I told her this would happen.” Mark whispered suddenly, his jaw tightening at the thought. He couldn’t loose Addison to Derek again. That thought alone in his brain seemed unfathomable. He quickly thought of the plan he had been unraveling just minutes earlier. That settled his nerves as he looked back at a puzzled Derek.
“You told her what would happen?”
“You wouldn’t give her a divorce. Your selfishness knows new depths.”
Derek laughed coldly, shaking his head sarcastically. “I’d say sleeping with my wife epitomizes selfishness. But that’s just me.”
Mark silently clenched his fists at the tone of Derek’s voice. He decided if he valued his job and wanted to continue working at Seattle Grace he better not continue this conversation. Mark gripped his cup of coffee in his hand, while shooting Derek a look of sheer unrelenting. He started towards the door and when he reached out for the handle he heard Derek clear his throat.
“Mark…” Derek began. Mark turned around slowly, facing him with a blank look playing upon his face. “I will get what is mine.” He warned carefully. Mark’s head was spinning with verbal counter attacks but his words didn’t seem to be working. With one final look in Derek’s direction, Mark opened the door and walked out.
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Addison couldn’t turn her brain off. She felt like it was going a mile a minute, leaving her absolutely consumed and more confused than ever. She had been out of her last surgery of the day for about twenty minutes and she hadn’t moved from her spot in one of the on-call bunk beds. She let her eyes close momentarily as she thought of the trailer.
So many of my things are still there. I need to go get them, she thought sadly as she brought her scrub covered legs up to her chest, positioning herself in something that resembled a ball. She silently cursed herself for leaving her things there for as long as she did. It probably gave Derek a false sense of hope. She still didn’t fully understand the motivations behind him not signing the papers. She believed on the surface that it was obviously a farce; a plan to make her believe he still cared but she knew he’d manage to crush her heart in his hands by the end of it all. He always did. She quickly glanced at her watch that read 5:46 pm.
He might be in surgery, Addison thought to herself as she contemplated whether she should go to the trailer and pack up some of her things. She rolled around the many reactions he could possibly have upon discovering her missing things. She hated this uncertainty, it made her insides ache and she felt like it added years to her face. She was so tired. So thoroughly exhausted. For a second, she considered just falling asleep right where she was. She decided against it as she slowly say up, her feet dropping to the ground. She yawned empathically as she rose her arms above her head to stretch out her tense muscles. She grabbed her hair loosely in her hand and secured it with a clip as a few shorter sections in the front made their way out of their constraint. She stood up slowly and made her way out of the room as she headed for the surgical board. Once she was in front of it, she saw that Derek did have a surgery that had started only 15 minutes prior.
That gives me plenty of time, she thought as she studied the surgical board intently, she crossed her arms in front of herself as she rose her right hand to rest tentatively on her mouth, her fingers lightly tapping her lips as she remained in deep thought.
“I would offer you a penny for your thoughts, but I know they’re worth much more than that.” Came a familiar voice from beside her, shaking her from the roller coaster in her head. Addison’s eyes shifted to where the voice was coming from, even though she already knew who it was. Alex’s eyes went over her stiff presence, he noticed the pieces of hair in her face, he noticed the routine tapping of her delicate fingers on her mouth as she seemingly slipped deeper and deeper into what was going on in her mind.
“They aren’t worth a lot.” Mumbled Addison as she looked back at the board. Alex’s eyebrows furrowed suddenly as he heard her unenthusiastic reply. Right on cue came his next remark.
“Are you okay?” He asked hesitantly, he felt like he asked her that a lot, almost on a regular basis and he didn’t want to seem nosey or pushy, he was simply concerned. Yet we knew there was nothing remotely simple about the way he was starting to feel about Addison. It surprised even him when he thought about it.
“I’m good.” She responded quietly, glancing over at where he was standing a few feet away from her, she suddenly realized he was dressed in street closes. “Are you okay?” She questioned.
“Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Why are you still hanging around?” Addison asked. Alex’s eyes shifted down slightly, as he pushed both of his hands in his pockets, teetering between putting his weight on his left side and his right side. Addison noticed his sudden fidgety behavior and smiled to herself; his boyish antics were charming.
“I was looking for you, actually.”
“Really? Well, you found me. What’s up?” Addison questioned as her eyes noticed the nurse that walked right past them.
“I thought maybe I could take you out for a bite to eat.” Alex offered quietly, momentarily following her eyes.
“Oh, that’s really-” Alex cut her off when he heard the uncertainty in her voice.
“Before you say no,” He began, as he rose his hands briefly to halt her response. “It’s just food.”
Addison smiled as she carelessly brushed the bit of hair out of her face with the back of her hand, as she placed her hands on her hips. “Just food, huh?”
Alex nodded. “Just food.”
“That sounds really nice. It does. It’s just-”
“It’s just that what?”
“Tonight’s not a good night.” Addison replied evenly, as she remembered why she had even been looking at the surgical board in the first place. Alex felt his heart sink as he broke their eye contact and nodded his head. Addison silently willed him to look back at her as she dipped her head in search of meeting his eyes. “But I’d love a rain check.”
“Really?” The surprise in his voice was quite noticeable.
“Yeah, really.”
“Okay.”
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Addison smiled and nodded her head as she made her way to walk around him, quickly reaching out to gently squeeze his arm as she walked by.
______________________________________________________________________________
Addison’s hand wouldn’t stop shaking long enough for her to put the key in the door.
“Just relax.” She said aloud to herself as she surveyed the outside of the trailer. She attempted to put the key in again, finally succeeding as she opened the door to the trailer and stepped inside. Her hand reached for the light switch in the dark and she quickly flipped in on, as her eyes slowly began adjusting to the light, she surveyed the appearance of the inside. It looked the same as it had a few days previous when she had come to plead with Derek regarding the divorce papers. The thought of those papers made her stomach churn. She slowly walked through the trailer into the makeshift kitchen and opened the cabinet where they had kept the alcohol. She took on look at a bottle of vodka, then at a bottle of tequila and quickly decided against those choices.
I’m already a mess as it is. I don’t want to be a complete drunken mess. Addison thought to herself.
She surveyed the entire cabinet until she decided that maybe a bottle of wine was her safest option. She closed the door to the cabinet and walked over to the wine rack, as she took out a bottle and opened the cabinet above her where the wine glasses were. She poured the wine into her glass and she took a sip and then took a slow, cleansing breath. She knew she had to prepare herself for what she was about to do. It seemed that even though she had been trying to do just that on the way over, being there faced with what she was about to do was torturous. Addison took both her glass and the bottle into the bedroom and gingerly sat down on the bed. She laughed to herself as she noticed the bed wasn’t made. Derek never ever made the bed, he used to always say that it was a waste of time. Why make up your bed, to have to completely un-make it when you’re exhausted and all you really care about is sleeping? He had once asked her. He used to tease her about her need to have thirty different decorative pillows when just three or four plain ones would suffice. She glanced at the pillows in the corner of the room.
I bet those pillows haven’t even been on this bed since the last time I made it.
Addison nursed her glass of wine, as she sat the bottle on the floor. She stood up suddenly and crouched down as she reached under the bed and pulled out a suitcase. She stood up straight as she placed the suitcase on the bed and stared at it. This was going to be a lot harder than she had previously thought. She quickly downed what was left in her glass as she bent over to retrieve the bottle as she pulled the cork and poured another glass. She walked over to the dresser and slowly opened it, she saw all her things neatly folded in the drawer. She grabbed a handful of things as she turned around and placed them neatly in her suitcase. She continued this until the entire drawer was empty and then she moved on to the next one. Methodically sipping on her wine as she realized she really was packing her things. She went over to the closet right next to the bed room and opened it, she grabbed three of her coats that were hung neatly, one after the other. She made her way back to the suitcase as she threw them on the bed. She took another sip of her wine and squinted her eyes as she looked around the room, she took in the subtle hints of herself that she had gradually brought to the trailer. It made her clutch her class in one hand and she quickly ran the other over her face as she felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach. She felt her mind whirl with too many different questions.
Why does this hurt so much? Why did I love him so much? Why do I still? Will it always be like this? Will it always hurt like this?
Addison gently ran the back of her hand against the front of her face to brush away a tear that had started falling. She cleared her throat and continued packing her clothes, in a hastier manner. She put the wine glass to her lips as she swallowed what was remaining and carefully placed it on the nightstand. She walked into what she would call a dismal excuse for a bathroom, gathered her various makeup and hair products, leaving very miscellaneous and more easily replaceable things behind. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she was turned around to walk out. Her hair was messy and tousled, her face looked pale and tired, her eyes were vacant and sad, she felt like a mere shell of the woman she had been earlier that day. It was like time had no bearing on her abundant sadness. No matter how deep she buried this pain of actually letting her marriage go piece by piece, it’s effect on her was truly unprecedented. She was breathing just fine yet it felt like oxygen wasn’t sufficiently filling her lungs. Her sorrow was suffocating her.
How did I let him turn me into this person? She thought to herself bitterly as she took one more look at her face and walked out.
She finished packing up her things and once she had two different suitcases full she decided she didn’t really have the energy to go through anymore stuff. Addison grabbed the empty wine glass on the night stand and the bottle on the floor near the bed as she leaned against the wall nearest the bed. She carefully cradled her face in her palm as she stared at the suitcases on the bed, sipping her wine slowly. She could start to feel the alcohol running through her veins. It helped dull that overwhelming ache that seemed to rip right through her. Addison sat deathly still as she only moved her hand to bring the glass to her lips, she starred off into the distance of the room. Not really paying attention to one specific aspect of it. Her eyes suddenly fixated on something sticking out from underneath the dresser. From where she was she couldn’t really make out what it was exactly. She blinked quickly, as her vision blurred and cleared only momentarily. She sat sipping her wine and wondering what had fallen and found it’s way under the dresser. She got up suddenly, much faster than she should have because she stumbled over her own feet. She rested her free hand against the wall, taking a deep breath and steadying herself. She walked over to the dresser and knelt down, reaching down to pull out what was underneath. What she held in her hands was the last thing she expected to see. It was a picture of her and Derek. She leaned against the dresser as she turned to sit on the floor with her back against it. She remembered the exact moment the picture was taken. She was completely fixated on the happiness that radiated from the photo. Both their smiles reached out and touched her; they both looked so happy. So content. Probably because that was what they were.
How did we lose this? How did I get here?
The picture suddenly went blurry as Addison realized there were tears falling down her face. She gripped her glass of wine in one hand and the picture in the other and let the tears fall. Her sadness was beyond consuming and she knew she couldn’t stop it. So she cried and cried, until she felt she couldn’t cry anymore. Her tear ducts were too worn out and her head was hurting as she diverted her eyes from the picture to the suitcases on her bed. She drank the rest of the wine in her glass and took her cell phone out of her pocket as she set the empty wine glass and picture on the floor in front of her as she continued to look at the picture. She glanced at her phone and took a deep breath. She just needed to calm down. She scrolled through her contacts in her phone as she looked back at the picture and felt a pang in her gut. Before she could stop herself she had pressed ‘call’ on the contact she had purposefully paused on. The phone on the other end rang three times before she heard his voice. It almost instantly calmed her.
“Hello?”
“Hey,” Addison offered lightly, as a smile crept upon her face at the sound of his voice.
“Hi,” Alex replied, he could hear something in her voice but he couldn’t really place it. She almost sounded really exhausted. “Are you okay?”
“Am I okay?” She repeated, as she quickly cleared her throat and shut her eyes briefly still blown away with the preciseness he always had with asking that particular question. “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Really? You don’t really sound it.”
“I don’t? How do I sound?” Addison asked, trying to make her voice sound as normal as she could muster. She glanced at the picture and then quickly rubbed her eyes with the her hand.
“Honestly?” Alex questioned. He didn’t want to venture a guess about her current mood if he was completely off base. But for some reason, he always trusted his instincts when it came to Addison.
“Yeah, really.” She laughed momentarily at his hesitance.
“You sound kind of…sad.”
Addison thought her tear ducts were out of service but she had obviously thought wrong because she felt the tears surface in her eyes as she tried to quickly blink them away, she clutched the phone a little bit more tightly to her ear. Alex could tell by the silence that passed over the other line that he was right. He had hit some sort of nerve.
“Ad-”
“Yeah, sorry. I’m here.” Addison replied lightly.
“So I’m right?” Alex asked gently.
“Right about?”
“About you being sad.”
“Yeah, I guess I am a little sad.” She admitted to him as she pulled her knees up to her chin and glanced at her suitcase.
“What’s the matter?”
“Oh, you know me: just being emotional.”
“You shouldn’t downplay your feelings. If you’re upset, I’m sure you have a valid reason for being so.”
“Yeah, maybe.”
“Have you been drinking?” Alex asked suddenly.
Addison laughed at this as she glanced at the empty wine glass right in front of her. “So what, now I’m a predictable, emotional drunk?”
“Addison…” Alex warned.
“I’m just teasing. I had some wine, nothing too hectic I assure you.”
“You wanna talk about it?”
“No, not really.” Addison whispered.
“I didn’t think so but it was worth a try.”
“I hope you never stop trying.”
“Well then I won’t.”
“I just wanted to hear your voice.”
“Is it helping?”
“Yeah, it is.”
You have no idea how much it is helping. Addison thought to herself.
“Good.” Alex replied.