Fanfic: Martyrs and Thieves [1/1]
Title: Martyrs and Thieves
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT
Characters/Pairings: Seaver, Rossi
Word Count: 632
Summary: “There are ghosts from my past who’ve owned more of my soul than I thought I had given away.”
Notes: written for cmpromptmeme (Seaver, She's the new slayer) and angst_bingo (crucifixion)
*****
The cross she wears around her neck feels like a blessing and a curse.
Ashley never thought she'd be fighting monsters just a year after she'd found out for sure that her father was one. He isn’t like the monsters she fights these days; he wasn't a demon, though he's certainly been called one, and he definitely wasn't a vampire, but he was still a monster none the less. She knew this, she'd unconsciously known it for years, and his arrest only solidified her belief that something was wrong with her family.
She hated to think about why she'd been called. The last slayer was barely fifteen years old when she’d been brutally slaughtered by The Master. Ashley thinks about all the things she would have missed if she’d died so young. Sure, she wouldn’t have had to sit through the trial, she would have never felt the scrutiny and the persecution burning the back of her skull, but she would have missed her first kiss, being the captain of the varsity cheer squad, and the pride of winning a full ride to UCLA.
Then again, she wonders whether or not she would have been able to accomplish those things if she’d been called sooner.
When she started slaying, she was happy to do so. Her father killed so many women, damaged so many lives, and he was only a human. Ashley would take any job or duty that keeps monsters at bay, even at the risk of her own innocence and her own life. She’d already planned on studying criminal justice before she’d been called and while her new “job” doesn’t pay the bills, she still gets to feel good for metting out a certain amount of justice to the victims of the monsters she kills. She even gets to save the world a few times.
And yet, a few years in and a strange thought had begun forming in the back of her mind - she's a killer too. She may be doing a public service by slaying monsters, but what if she didn't have slaying? Would she have ended up like her dad? And really, is what she does that much better than her father’s idea of cleaning up the streets?
She tries to shake off the thought, remind herself of her previous plans to join the FBI, but instead of being comforting, it just makes it worse. Because in the FBI, she’d still have had to aim her gun at fleeing suspects, she’d still have had to make a justified kill at some point and deal with the consequences. Because she knew, more than any of her hypothetical colleagues would have, that even killers have parents and siblings and friends, people who love them despite their horrible deeds. These are the people who would condemn her actions as monstrous and she’s not even sure she would blame them.
Once, despite every fiber of her being screaming that he’d judge her, she tries telling Rossi about her fears. She’s hardly said anything at all, barely explained what she’s trying to say, before he rests his hand on her shoulder and attempts to reassure her that she’s nothing like her father. She wants to argue because he doesn’t even know what her father was like, he never shared a roof with a monster like she did for eighteen long years, but instead, she just leans forwards into the arms that fold around her and by the time she pulls back, his shirt is stained with tears.
She comes to find that it doesn’t really matter whether or not her Watcher understands just how much the thought frightens her - she does a good enough job condemning herself all on her own.
Author: freakingdork
Rating: FRT
Characters/Pairings: Seaver, Rossi
Word Count: 632
Summary: “There are ghosts from my past who’ve owned more of my soul than I thought I had given away.”
Notes: written for cmpromptmeme (Seaver, She's the new slayer) and angst_bingo (crucifixion)
*****
The cross she wears around her neck feels like a blessing and a curse.
Ashley never thought she'd be fighting monsters just a year after she'd found out for sure that her father was one. He isn’t like the monsters she fights these days; he wasn't a demon, though he's certainly been called one, and he definitely wasn't a vampire, but he was still a monster none the less. She knew this, she'd unconsciously known it for years, and his arrest only solidified her belief that something was wrong with her family.
She hated to think about why she'd been called. The last slayer was barely fifteen years old when she’d been brutally slaughtered by The Master. Ashley thinks about all the things she would have missed if she’d died so young. Sure, she wouldn’t have had to sit through the trial, she would have never felt the scrutiny and the persecution burning the back of her skull, but she would have missed her first kiss, being the captain of the varsity cheer squad, and the pride of winning a full ride to UCLA.
Then again, she wonders whether or not she would have been able to accomplish those things if she’d been called sooner.
When she started slaying, she was happy to do so. Her father killed so many women, damaged so many lives, and he was only a human. Ashley would take any job or duty that keeps monsters at bay, even at the risk of her own innocence and her own life. She’d already planned on studying criminal justice before she’d been called and while her new “job” doesn’t pay the bills, she still gets to feel good for metting out a certain amount of justice to the victims of the monsters she kills. She even gets to save the world a few times.
And yet, a few years in and a strange thought had begun forming in the back of her mind - she's a killer too. She may be doing a public service by slaying monsters, but what if she didn't have slaying? Would she have ended up like her dad? And really, is what she does that much better than her father’s idea of cleaning up the streets?
She tries to shake off the thought, remind herself of her previous plans to join the FBI, but instead of being comforting, it just makes it worse. Because in the FBI, she’d still have had to aim her gun at fleeing suspects, she’d still have had to make a justified kill at some point and deal with the consequences. Because she knew, more than any of her hypothetical colleagues would have, that even killers have parents and siblings and friends, people who love them despite their horrible deeds. These are the people who would condemn her actions as monstrous and she’s not even sure she would blame them.
Once, despite every fiber of her being screaming that he’d judge her, she tries telling Rossi about her fears. She’s hardly said anything at all, barely explained what she’s trying to say, before he rests his hand on her shoulder and attempts to reassure her that she’s nothing like her father. She wants to argue because he doesn’t even know what her father was like, he never shared a roof with a monster like she did for eighteen long years, but instead, she just leans forwards into the arms that fold around her and by the time she pulls back, his shirt is stained with tears.
She comes to find that it doesn’t really matter whether or not her Watcher understands just how much the thought frightens her - she does a good enough job condemning herself all on her own.