I have to congratulate you ! What you wrote is really amazing ! Quite disturbing, in fact, but so beautiful and touching ! I think i'll remember that for a long time ! Do you mind if I friend you ?
I wanted the first chapter to leave an impression, good or bad. When I first wrote it, it wasn't written like that. I wanted the reader to get a good feel of Laura.
Wow, You weren't kidding. This is quite different from the version you sent me.
I like it. It seems to have more of a natural flow than the previous Chapter One, which felt disconnected and jerky at some points - though I'm assuming that was because it was an earlier draft?
In addition, with the other version, I got the same feeling for Laura, just not as quickly as this one. I prefer this, not only because it makes for a more graceful opening, but also because is it more introspective and more of a study on Laura herself. It seems like it would be a better area to place exposition and back story, rather than simply within her thoughts at random points in the story.
Do you still want me to reply to that email, or has everything else changed so drastically as well that I should give any feedback on these entries?
Waaaayyyyyyyyyyy better than the previous version. Like, a million times better. It seems to be less personal, therefore making it more personal. If you get what I mean.
Random thought- did you change it because of what I said?
Other random fact- france won 3-0 against... someone. Important thing is, we kicked ass. And Malouda, who happens to have the hottest chest in the world, scored the first goal.
Yeah, Ireland lost 1-0 to Germany. *whines* Why does my country have to have such a crap soccer team? They lost 4-0 to the Netherlands recently too. As someone said (I can't remember who) "I judge a country by it's soccer team." Well, at least the team doesn't lie. Ireland is rubbish, just likes it's team.
Ah, so my advice is worth taking into consideration at times. Nice to know. Now I feel all important. Kidding. But this version does flow better.
Malouda all hot and sweaty= really, really REALLY nice view. *drools* That being said, the number 2 goalkeaper, Landreau, totally has the wrong career. With looks like that, he should be a model. Preferably an underwear model. Like, really small underwear. Which doesn't fit. *clears throat* It was a good match. France plays Italy wednesday. Thought you'd like to know.
I'm not sure why,but I really liked Laura speculating how Holly got her music box. The words are simple,and reading through that part again now,it's very simple,but it got to me. Each thing and every person has got their own story.
I'd love to read more of Laura's story,Claire. But take your time.
"Each thing and every person has got their own story" - yeah, I wanted to emphasize that. I didn't to have random people just popping up. I wanted everyone to have a place, a story, a reason.
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Do you mind if I friend you ?
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Sure =) My name is Claire, too.
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You're added !! Claire is a beautiful name, isn't it ? :)
You live in Ireland ? I'd like to go there, it's such a beuatiful place ! I live in France !
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Yeah, I like it. When I was younger I haaaated it. But now I like it. I love it when it's said with a French accent, haha.
Can we trade? Seriously?! I'll trade Paris for Dublin anyday.
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I like it. It seems to have more of a natural flow than the previous Chapter One, which felt disconnected and jerky at some points - though I'm assuming that was because it was an earlier draft?
In addition, with the other version, I got the same feeling for Laura, just not as quickly as this one. I prefer this, not only because it makes for a more graceful opening, but also because is it more introspective and more of a study on Laura herself. It seems like it would be a better area to place exposition and back story, rather than simply within her thoughts at random points in the story.
Do you still want me to reply to that email, or has everything else changed so drastically as well that I should give any feedback on these entries?
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I didn't want to backtrack through everything throughout the story. Some people can pull it off, I can't.
No, it's cool. I rewrote that too, because things were different. But thanks for the offer.
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Random thought- did you change it because of what I said?
Other random fact- france won 3-0 against... someone. Important thing is, we kicked ass. And Malouda, who happens to have the hottest chest in the world, scored the first goal.
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Yeah.
Yeah, Ireland lost 1-0 to Germany. *whines* Why does my country have to have such a crap soccer team? They lost 4-0 to the Netherlands recently too. As someone said (I can't remember who) "I judge a country by it's soccer team." Well, at least the team doesn't lie. Ireland is rubbish, just likes it's team.
Ahh, Malouda.
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Ah, so my advice is worth taking into consideration at times. Nice to know. Now I feel all important. Kidding. But this version does flow better.
Malouda all hot and sweaty= really, really REALLY nice view. *drools* That being said, the number 2 goalkeaper, Landreau, totally has the wrong career. With looks like that, he should be a model. Preferably an underwear model. Like, really small underwear. Which doesn't fit. *clears throat* It was a good match. France plays Italy wednesday. Thought you'd like to know.
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You know what you're talking about. And you'd always tell me if it sucked or not, which I do appreciate.
*laughs* So THAT'S what you think about during maths class.
Ohhh, France vs Italy. That'll be interesting.
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I'm not sure why,but I really liked Laura speculating how Holly got her music box. The words are simple,and reading through that part again now,it's very simple,but it got to me. Each thing and every person has got their own story.
I'd love to read more of Laura's story,Claire. But take your time.
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"Each thing and every person has got their own story" - yeah, I wanted to emphasize that. I didn't to have random people just popping up. I wanted everyone to have a place, a story, a reason.
Maybe you will.
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