"Hopeless" Chapter 1
Chapter 1
“words are unnecessary, they only do harm”
Seventeen more minutes.
Just seventeen more minutes and Laura Fuller would be out of there. Seventeen more minutes till she was free; at least in her eyes. For she always felt imprisoned in the room, suffocated by her thoughts and trapped by her feelings. She always felt like there was no escape, despite the door being unlocked and her having the best sprint record in her grade. She hated sitting in the leather chair, but she never moved from it. In her four weeks going there, she had never arrived late and never walked out.
She hated that she was forced into going to the sessions, but never was the rebellious kid. Not in an obvious way, at least. Her sister, Abi, had moaned about it to their mother the moment she found out the judge was insisting each family member see a therapist once a week for two months. In her first session with Holly, Abi told her to get lost and to stay out of her personal life. From what she told Laura, since then Abi had answered each question snappily and rudely, just to make it clear she didn’t want to be there.
Laura, on the other hand, had been slightly more reserved about it. She went without fuss, telling her mother she would be fine and shrugging that it was no big deal when her mother asked if she was OK. Laura decided as soon as she found out that she wasn’t going to talk to any therapist. She would go, but she wouldn’t talk. There was no way she was going to talk to anyone about how she felt. She couldn’t talk to her friends, the people who were meant to understand her and be there for. How could she talk to a complete stranger?
Laura was no fool. She knew every word she said was going to be read into. She knew she was being evaluated in every possible way. She could see it in the way Holly looked at her. Holly was nice and kind to her, but she was a psychologist nonetheless. Laura was fully aware of that.
It wasn’t like Holly really cared, anyway, Laura consoled herself with, whenever she felt slightly guilty for wasting Holly’s time. Laura was just a job to her. She didn’t really care about Laura’s childhood or her father. She wanted Laura to talk about them, yes, but only so Laura could come to terms with things and get out of her office. It wasn’t like Laura was any different to any other kid who walked in there. She wanted Laura to confess her fears, her secrets, her hopes, but Laura felt they would be wasted on Holly. Her confessions were too personal and the environment was too impersonal. Once Laura left the room, she was forgotten. She was just a name in a file that would be stored away once she left. It would be forgotten eventually. It bothered Laura slightly that things were, in theory, that simple. In reality it wasn’t like that. In reality, Laura could never forget her childhood or her father. She tried, oh she tried. But she couldn’t forget. She just couldn’t.
‘What are you afraid of, Laura?’
Laura glanced at Holly in surprise. She hadn’t expected her to ask another question. Silence had filled the room for twenty three minutes. Laura had figured she had given up. Holly had said in the previous session that she wasn’t going to give up on Laura and write her off as difficult but well, which was what Laura was hoping for. No, Holly was going to wait it out. She had never pushed Laura for answers. She had never tried to bribe her or be cold with her. She said she would wait. Laura had had to resist smirking upon hearing that. She would be waiting an awfully long time.
Every time Holly asked a question, Laura found herself wondering the answer. The questions seemed quite random and unusual, but Laura knew there was a reason behind them all. She never answered, but she always did consider the question. Maybe it was because she had nothing better to think about. Maybe it was because subconsciously she wanted to know the answer. Maybe it was because Holly’s questions seemed to be important to relevant. It didn’t really matter why she thought about the answers; she just did.
What was she afraid of? The first thing that came to her mind was spiders. She had a terrible fear of spiders; the way they crawled freaked her out. But Laura knew that wasn’t what Holly was referring to. She was afraid of rats, too; their tails bothered her for some reason and the way they were so dirty and infected. But that was similar to the fear of spiders. They weren’t what kept her up at night, they weren’t what made her heart stop for a second upon thinking about.
She was afraid of her father. She hated that she was afraid of the pathetic man, but she couldn’t shake the fear. Every time she saw a black range rover passing or smelled the cologne he used to wear, her heart would freeze for a second in fear he was back. She had been reassured by her mother’s lawyer that he couldn’t go anywhere near her, her house or her work, but she was always terrified he would break the rule. He had more reason then ever to do so. Her mother had taken everything from him - his family, his money, his house. Laura thought he deserved it, but she knew he wouldn’t see it that way.
Laura shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She hated her father and thinking about him angered her greatly. If it wasn’t for what he did, she wouldn’t even have to see a therapist.
‘Are you all right, Laura?’ asked Holly.
Laura tried not to react to Holly’s question. Holly had said it with a note of concern in her voice, but Laura knew it meant nothing. Holly dealt with kids like Laura all the time. She was used to faking concern, faking emotion. She was a psychologist; she knew how to trick the mind. It annoyed Laura a little that she even pretended to care, like seeing Laura happy really mattered to her. It was all such a sham to Laura. It was another reason she refused to talk.
Laura read the old clock above Holly’s blonde head, not wanting to glance at her watch to make it clear she wanted to get out of there. Give no reaction, no feeling, no care and she can’t read you, Laura reminded herself.
Nine more minutes.
Laura looked around the room, trying to find something to distract herself with. Holly’s office was full of little things that tried to make it more personal, more open, to her patients. Laura thought it was a feeble attempt, but she did admire some of the stuff Holly had. There was a photograph of Niagra Falls on one of the walls. Laura didn’t know much about photography, but she knew it was an amazing photograph. It was taken at dusk, the purple sky above the breathtaking falls.
‘You know, Laura,’ said Holly, interrupting Laura’s thoughts. ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of in here. You’re safe here. You can say whatever you want. By all means, don’t hold back. It’s good to talk about things. Talking isn’t a sign of weakness or defeat.’
Laura froze. In the previous sessions, Holly had always asked questions. She had never made assumptions. She had never speculated. What’s more, she had never been right. Laura thought she had been doing a good job at hiding her emotions. Yet Holly had been pretty accurate with what she had said.
Even when she was young and sensitive, Laura never spoke about how she felt. She never told her friends about her dad. She had never seen the point in it. What could they do about it? It stuck as she grew older. In her group of friends, she was seen as the strong one and she didn’t really want to change that image. Plus, she wasn’t really that close with them and telling them the truth about her family seemed too personal. So she learnt to keep things to herself, fighting alone, never showing the world how she felt. To her, showing how she felt and admitting she was hurt, wounded, would be letting her dad win. She wasn’t going to let him win.
Five minutes.
Something sparkling caught Laura’s attention at the corner of her eye. The late afternoon sunlight had bounced off the silver jewellery box on Holly’s desk, making colours dance wildly. Laura had looked at it before. She particularly liked the jewellery box, because it had a tiny ballerina in the middle that she guessed spun around with music, though she had never seen it do so.
It had caught her attention the very first time she walked into the room. When she was younger, she had one, too. It had been given to her parents when she was born by some friend and it had sat on a shelf in her room for years. She used to beg her mom to wind it up so she could listen to the music. Her mother had told her never to touch it because it was so precious. Laura had treated it like a baby, only letting her fingers dance across it, awed by its beauty. She came home from school one day when she was about eight and found it smashed on her bedroom floor, along with other things. She had cried for hours over it. Her father had told her to stop crying and to grow up. Laura had looked at him, her lip trembling dangerous, before running off to her room and bursting into tears.
Her father never admitted to it, but Laura knew, she just knew, that he broke it. She didn’t know why he did it or if there was even a reason, but she guessed he had just been drunk and angry and decided to ruin his daughter’s things.
Laura had never forgiven him for breaking her most cherished item. She knew it was stupid, as there were probably thousands of jewellery boxes out there like it, but it was a mark of how bad things were. Before then, it had always been just shouting and drunken comments. Even at eight, she could live with that. She was used to that. But for him to go into her room and destroy her things, that was too much.
She never did get a new one. Her mother had offered to get a new one, but Laura declined. In her eyes, it was giving in to him. It was weakness. She was never going to show weakness to him.
Nonetheless, she was transfixed with Holly’s. It reminded her of her dad, but everything in that room did, because he was the reason she was there. Laura wondered how Holly got hers. Was it a present from a friend or did she find it at a street market and decided to get it for herself? Did she get it when she was a baby or last year? Did she ever wind it up and listen to the chilling music or did it always sit there silent? It was kind of ironic, to Laura, that she was expected to reveal her soul to someone who all she knew about was that her name was Holly and that she was a graduate from NYU. But she knew that was how it was between patients and doctors, so she stayed silent.
Holly looked at her thin gold watch and cleared her throat to attract Laura’s attention. Laura looked at her and waited to be dismissed. She knew she was a minute overtime, but she wasn’t going to walk out. She had resisted it for too long, she wasn’t going to give in over a minute.
‘It seems our time is up,’ announced Holly. She scribbled something into her notebook that was always in front of her before closing it. She looked at Laura and gave her a small smile. ‘I’ll see you same time next week, yes?’
Laura didn’t respond. Instead, she stood up from the chair and walked over to the door. She was about to open it when Holly said, ‘Hey, Laura?’
Laura didn’t turn around to face her. She let her fingers fall off the door handle and waited for Holly to speak.
‘Think about it,’ said Holly.
Laura paused for a second. She was tempted to turn around and say, “Think about what?” but she didn’t. She pushed on the door handle and walked out of Holly’s office, not looking back.
“words are unnecessary, they only do harm”
Seventeen more minutes.
Just seventeen more minutes and Laura Fuller would be out of there. Seventeen more minutes till she was free; at least in her eyes. For she always felt imprisoned in the room, suffocated by her thoughts and trapped by her feelings. She always felt like there was no escape, despite the door being unlocked and her having the best sprint record in her grade. She hated sitting in the leather chair, but she never moved from it. In her four weeks going there, she had never arrived late and never walked out.
She hated that she was forced into going to the sessions, but never was the rebellious kid. Not in an obvious way, at least. Her sister, Abi, had moaned about it to their mother the moment she found out the judge was insisting each family member see a therapist once a week for two months. In her first session with Holly, Abi told her to get lost and to stay out of her personal life. From what she told Laura, since then Abi had answered each question snappily and rudely, just to make it clear she didn’t want to be there.
Laura, on the other hand, had been slightly more reserved about it. She went without fuss, telling her mother she would be fine and shrugging that it was no big deal when her mother asked if she was OK. Laura decided as soon as she found out that she wasn’t going to talk to any therapist. She would go, but she wouldn’t talk. There was no way she was going to talk to anyone about how she felt. She couldn’t talk to her friends, the people who were meant to understand her and be there for. How could she talk to a complete stranger?
Laura was no fool. She knew every word she said was going to be read into. She knew she was being evaluated in every possible way. She could see it in the way Holly looked at her. Holly was nice and kind to her, but she was a psychologist nonetheless. Laura was fully aware of that.
It wasn’t like Holly really cared, anyway, Laura consoled herself with, whenever she felt slightly guilty for wasting Holly’s time. Laura was just a job to her. She didn’t really care about Laura’s childhood or her father. She wanted Laura to talk about them, yes, but only so Laura could come to terms with things and get out of her office. It wasn’t like Laura was any different to any other kid who walked in there. She wanted Laura to confess her fears, her secrets, her hopes, but Laura felt they would be wasted on Holly. Her confessions were too personal and the environment was too impersonal. Once Laura left the room, she was forgotten. She was just a name in a file that would be stored away once she left. It would be forgotten eventually. It bothered Laura slightly that things were, in theory, that simple. In reality it wasn’t like that. In reality, Laura could never forget her childhood or her father. She tried, oh she tried. But she couldn’t forget. She just couldn’t.
‘What are you afraid of, Laura?’
Laura glanced at Holly in surprise. She hadn’t expected her to ask another question. Silence had filled the room for twenty three minutes. Laura had figured she had given up. Holly had said in the previous session that she wasn’t going to give up on Laura and write her off as difficult but well, which was what Laura was hoping for. No, Holly was going to wait it out. She had never pushed Laura for answers. She had never tried to bribe her or be cold with her. She said she would wait. Laura had had to resist smirking upon hearing that. She would be waiting an awfully long time.
Every time Holly asked a question, Laura found herself wondering the answer. The questions seemed quite random and unusual, but Laura knew there was a reason behind them all. She never answered, but she always did consider the question. Maybe it was because she had nothing better to think about. Maybe it was because subconsciously she wanted to know the answer. Maybe it was because Holly’s questions seemed to be important to relevant. It didn’t really matter why she thought about the answers; she just did.
What was she afraid of? The first thing that came to her mind was spiders. She had a terrible fear of spiders; the way they crawled freaked her out. But Laura knew that wasn’t what Holly was referring to. She was afraid of rats, too; their tails bothered her for some reason and the way they were so dirty and infected. But that was similar to the fear of spiders. They weren’t what kept her up at night, they weren’t what made her heart stop for a second upon thinking about.
She was afraid of her father. She hated that she was afraid of the pathetic man, but she couldn’t shake the fear. Every time she saw a black range rover passing or smelled the cologne he used to wear, her heart would freeze for a second in fear he was back. She had been reassured by her mother’s lawyer that he couldn’t go anywhere near her, her house or her work, but she was always terrified he would break the rule. He had more reason then ever to do so. Her mother had taken everything from him - his family, his money, his house. Laura thought he deserved it, but she knew he wouldn’t see it that way.
Laura shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She hated her father and thinking about him angered her greatly. If it wasn’t for what he did, she wouldn’t even have to see a therapist.
‘Are you all right, Laura?’ asked Holly.
Laura tried not to react to Holly’s question. Holly had said it with a note of concern in her voice, but Laura knew it meant nothing. Holly dealt with kids like Laura all the time. She was used to faking concern, faking emotion. She was a psychologist; she knew how to trick the mind. It annoyed Laura a little that she even pretended to care, like seeing Laura happy really mattered to her. It was all such a sham to Laura. It was another reason she refused to talk.
Laura read the old clock above Holly’s blonde head, not wanting to glance at her watch to make it clear she wanted to get out of there. Give no reaction, no feeling, no care and she can’t read you, Laura reminded herself.
Nine more minutes.
Laura looked around the room, trying to find something to distract herself with. Holly’s office was full of little things that tried to make it more personal, more open, to her patients. Laura thought it was a feeble attempt, but she did admire some of the stuff Holly had. There was a photograph of Niagra Falls on one of the walls. Laura didn’t know much about photography, but she knew it was an amazing photograph. It was taken at dusk, the purple sky above the breathtaking falls.
‘You know, Laura,’ said Holly, interrupting Laura’s thoughts. ‘There’s nothing to be afraid of in here. You’re safe here. You can say whatever you want. By all means, don’t hold back. It’s good to talk about things. Talking isn’t a sign of weakness or defeat.’
Laura froze. In the previous sessions, Holly had always asked questions. She had never made assumptions. She had never speculated. What’s more, she had never been right. Laura thought she had been doing a good job at hiding her emotions. Yet Holly had been pretty accurate with what she had said.
Even when she was young and sensitive, Laura never spoke about how she felt. She never told her friends about her dad. She had never seen the point in it. What could they do about it? It stuck as she grew older. In her group of friends, she was seen as the strong one and she didn’t really want to change that image. Plus, she wasn’t really that close with them and telling them the truth about her family seemed too personal. So she learnt to keep things to herself, fighting alone, never showing the world how she felt. To her, showing how she felt and admitting she was hurt, wounded, would be letting her dad win. She wasn’t going to let him win.
Five minutes.
Something sparkling caught Laura’s attention at the corner of her eye. The late afternoon sunlight had bounced off the silver jewellery box on Holly’s desk, making colours dance wildly. Laura had looked at it before. She particularly liked the jewellery box, because it had a tiny ballerina in the middle that she guessed spun around with music, though she had never seen it do so.
It had caught her attention the very first time she walked into the room. When she was younger, she had one, too. It had been given to her parents when she was born by some friend and it had sat on a shelf in her room for years. She used to beg her mom to wind it up so she could listen to the music. Her mother had told her never to touch it because it was so precious. Laura had treated it like a baby, only letting her fingers dance across it, awed by its beauty. She came home from school one day when she was about eight and found it smashed on her bedroom floor, along with other things. She had cried for hours over it. Her father had told her to stop crying and to grow up. Laura had looked at him, her lip trembling dangerous, before running off to her room and bursting into tears.
Her father never admitted to it, but Laura knew, she just knew, that he broke it. She didn’t know why he did it or if there was even a reason, but she guessed he had just been drunk and angry and decided to ruin his daughter’s things.
Laura had never forgiven him for breaking her most cherished item. She knew it was stupid, as there were probably thousands of jewellery boxes out there like it, but it was a mark of how bad things were. Before then, it had always been just shouting and drunken comments. Even at eight, she could live with that. She was used to that. But for him to go into her room and destroy her things, that was too much.
She never did get a new one. Her mother had offered to get a new one, but Laura declined. In her eyes, it was giving in to him. It was weakness. She was never going to show weakness to him.
Nonetheless, she was transfixed with Holly’s. It reminded her of her dad, but everything in that room did, because he was the reason she was there. Laura wondered how Holly got hers. Was it a present from a friend or did she find it at a street market and decided to get it for herself? Did she get it when she was a baby or last year? Did she ever wind it up and listen to the chilling music or did it always sit there silent? It was kind of ironic, to Laura, that she was expected to reveal her soul to someone who all she knew about was that her name was Holly and that she was a graduate from NYU. But she knew that was how it was between patients and doctors, so she stayed silent.
Holly looked at her thin gold watch and cleared her throat to attract Laura’s attention. Laura looked at her and waited to be dismissed. She knew she was a minute overtime, but she wasn’t going to walk out. She had resisted it for too long, she wasn’t going to give in over a minute.
‘It seems our time is up,’ announced Holly. She scribbled something into her notebook that was always in front of her before closing it. She looked at Laura and gave her a small smile. ‘I’ll see you same time next week, yes?’
Laura didn’t respond. Instead, she stood up from the chair and walked over to the door. She was about to open it when Holly said, ‘Hey, Laura?’
Laura didn’t turn around to face her. She let her fingers fall off the door handle and waited for Holly to speak.
‘Think about it,’ said Holly.
Laura paused for a second. She was tempted to turn around and say, “Think about what?” but she didn’t. She pushed on the door handle and walked out of Holly’s office, not looking back.