The Collateral Damage.

Jun 15, 2009 17:28

Title: The Collateral Damage ( Read more... )

general, fanfiction, naruto

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jade_wynds June 15 2009, 17:54:48 UTC
Umm...an interesting idea (if it is what I think it is) but between the typos and some strange word choices, I don't think it comes across quite as clearly as it could. A general suggestion would be to be a bit clearer about who your speaker is and where he stands in this hierarchy that you've invented. Since it's not canon, you might want to explain the hierarchy too, and the relationships between its classes. Perhaps you should run this by a beta and post again.

Also, one more thing I'm confused about. From what canon says, chakra is a combination of spiritual and physical energy that everyone is born with, but ninja learn to grow it and tap into it very specifically. Even people like Lee (a rare exception), who don't have chakra control normally, possess it and can tap into it by opening the Gates. So I don't understand what being tested for chakra means. Tested for its presence? Its level? Your entire world order has me a little disoriented.

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fonsetorigo June 15 2009, 22:31:09 UTC
Ack so I can't reply coherently atm, but I am sick. Dx Which is probably why there is so many damn typos.

I'll probably never really re-write this, but if I do, I will consider everything you've said. Thank you very much.

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jade_wynds June 16 2009, 07:24:02 UTC
Oh no! I hope you feel better!

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