Mood Swings and Happy Dazes
Cappuccino
So, another prompt, this time from stereomer, who wanted Frank, Gerard and post its. I am cheating a little, because I set it in The Holly Golightly universe. Takes place two years after the original story:
Mood Swings and Happy Dazes
MCR/FOB, 6,000ish words, Rated R, The Holly Golightly Club extra ficcage
Frank was sitting on the floor in Gerard's basement room, waiting for Gerard to come shuffling down the basement steps with his holey, army green bag and messy hair. After Gerard had gone off to art school, Gerard's parents had refurbished the basement so that Gerard had a place to stay when he was at home that did not share a bathroom with his brother. It had its own entrance and a coffeemaker and a small fridge, and Frank was jealous, because his room was still the same one he'd had in high school, next to his sister's and across the hall from his mom and her new boyfriend, and his room at his dad's was even smaller.
He had always loved the Ways' house. It was really cool with interesting shit everywhere: candles and dolls and art and weird-looking ashtrays and booze and photographs and heavy drapes and, it seemed, a wealth of Frank's firsts. But nothing he regretted. There was a drawing on the wall over the desk that he loved; it was very vivid and gruesome and angry, but with a beauty to it, like the kind of music he liked to play. He remembered when Gerard had made it.
Gerard didn't know that he was already there, waiting. Usually, Gerard called him once he was off the train from New York and Frank would drive over or take the bus, which meant Gerard had time to put his stuff away and shower, even though he very rarely bothered, but that day, he had let himself in with the spare key Gerard had given him, and he'd already spent the better part of the day there, alone. Both Bob and Mikey were busy with their own stuff, and Frank didn't have any real friends at college, just acquaintances, just like it had been in high school, or at least until he met Gerard, but he didn't mind. He saw Ray on campus sometimes, but he wouldn't say they were friends; they played together once a week when Gerard was home from school, but that was as far as their friendship stretched. And anyway, Frank liked having the Ways basement to himself.
He was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a book opened on his lap. He was supposed to read a fantastically boring chapter and take notes, but what the hell. Though, he probably shouldn't be sitting on the floor, because the dust in the carpet was making his airways close up. Frank had a small pharmacy in his bag these days. The stomach problem that had almost gone away by his Senior year was back again with a vengeance, which he figured was probably from the stress of not knowing what the fuck he was doing with his life.
He was thinking about dropping out. Actually, no, he wasn't thinking about it: he had decided that it was definitely what he was going to do, yes, almost absolutely certainly, he just hadn't told anyone at home or at school yet.
It sounded bad: a college drop out. But he wasn't going to be a social worker or psychologist anyway; he knew that and he figured his mom and dad would eventually agree. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do instead. Maybe going into business with his cousin, helping him put on shows, and maybe playing a few himself once The Zombie Audrey Hepburns got their shit together.
He balled up the paper he had been doodling on and threw it into the bin. It was almost noon, and he tried to go back to reading or at least pretending too, but the chapter wasn't getting any more interesting, so in the end he just wrote a few scribbled notes on a post-it and put it in between two pages for reference.
He closed the book and toyed with the post-its for a while, and then he grabbed a pen and wrote "Miss you," on one of them and got up to stick it somewhere where Gerard would find it when Frank wasn't there. But then he thought, nah. He got a new post-it note and wrote "happy we're still together" on it instead then drew a wonky heart underneath and stuck it to the mirror next to the door. He stared at it for a while and his own reflection around it, and then he discarded that too, and got a new post-it note and wrote "I love u" on it and drew an actual anatomical heart under it, which, whatever, Gerard wasn't going to be able to tell what it was, but Frank wasn't the artist. He played with the note for a while before he put it on the mirror and left it there.
They hadn't said I love you yet, even though Frank did and he was pretty sure Gerard did too. It was just an awkward phrase to get out with any real finesse. He thought Gerard must know how he felt about him, but it would be cool to state it officially, and he figured it was a pretty sweet thing to put on the wall for Gerard to see whenever. Gerard wasn't good at gestures, but he appreciated them.
They had been together for two years and Frank remembered the day they got together, remembered the exact date, actually, because it had been two events in one. He'd done a lot of things for the first time with Gerard, but some meant more than others. He thought maybe they should do something to mark the anniversary. Maybe they could go eat somewhere half nice. He thought maybe he would let Gerard fuck him later, and his insides curled up with heated anticipation; and he looked at the note again and suddenly he wanted Gerard there now. Their relationship was mostly about blowjobs and kisses - Frank was going to write a song entitled that one of these days - but they had fucked a few times and Frank had really enjoyed it, it was just that he tended to forget about it in the heat of the moment and Gerard never asked for it. Gerard wasn't an initiator. Frank thought about sticking a post-it note on his forehead with a detailed drawing of exactly what he thought they should be doing tonight.
Gerard's bed was really small for two people though, and it annoyed Frank that after two years it apparently still hadn't occurred to Gerard to get a bigger bed, even though it should be more than obvious that, hey, boyfriend still here, problem not going away, in fact here to stay. Frank had been known to slide out of it and down on the floor in a happy daze.
Then there was a sound at the door and Frank quickly dropped the pen and post-its on the bed and went over to open the door for Gerard, who was struggling with his bag and keys and slushie. He looked surprised when he saw Frank, but then he smiled and said, "Hey."
"Hey," Frank held the door for him to get inside. "You're early."
"You too," Gerard said. "I didn't think you were going to be here already."
Frank shrugged, "I was bored. And I had some stuff to read." He nodded to the books on the floor.
Gerard put his bag on the end of the bed and shrugged out of his jacket then went to hug Frank. He smelled of cigarettes and his skin was cool against Frank's cheek, because the weather was a bit miserable for this time of year, and Frank thought back to the spring two years ago and how warm it had been.
"You smell like an ashtray," he said and sniffed Gerard's hair, which was still messy and long. "Mmm. Yum."
Gerard had started smoking a lot in New York, like, a pack a day, because apparently everyone else did to help with the concentration, but Frank remembered when they used to sneak cigarettes on the patio at night and how cool they had thought it was, and how Gerard's mom must have known, because they just left them stubbed out on the ground, as if they thought they would dissolve overnight. Nowadays, Frank only smoked when he was drinking, but he assumed that drawing required a different kind of concentration to reading boring Sociology text books, and he didn't mind the tobacco smell anyway.
"Are you hungry?" he asked. "I have the car."
Gerard shrugged. "I had a sandwich on the train."
Frank kissed him on the nose. "I'm hungry, but I can wait until after."
Gerard laughed a little. "After?"
"Duh, I haven't seen you for a week. Kinda bursting here." Frank didn't mention the anniversary, because it was a bit silly, but he kept thinking about it, and how it was a special occasion, and he made sure that they did it slower this time, with a bit more thought, a bit more time spent on the things Gerard never asked for.
--
"Mikey wants me to cover for him next weekend," Gerard said, after, when they were lying under the comforter, naked and a lot more relaxed, "And say that he's spending it with me in New York." He was tracing a finger along the back of Frank's hand sort of mindlessly.
"So you're not coming home next weekend?" Frank asked, a little disappointed.
He didn't mind the train journey up there or staying in Gerard's room, but it was never like this, not like how it was when Gerard was home. Frank wasn't sure if Gerard was really all that comfortable having a boyfriend show up at the dorm for everyone to see, but he knew that Gerard would never say anything and when Frank held his hand on campus, Gerard let him, just as normal. But it wasn't like this.
"You can come up if you want," Gerard mumbled. "Mikey's not actually going to be there."
"Oh?" Frank turned his head. "What is he doing?"
Gerard made a face, "Pete Wentz graduates this week, so Pete got this hotel for the weekend as some sort of graduation present. That's all I know."
Frank grinned. "I doubt the room is the present."
Gerard lay still, then he said, "I don't know, it'd be a bit mean to say no. They don't have a place, and it's not like they won't do it anyway, you know."
Frank didn't say that he was pretty sure Pete and Mikey had found a place, because he didn't want to have to tell Gerard how he knew. It had been nicely traumatising for everyone involved when Frank had let himself into the basement on a Sunday afternoon to pick up a DVD and had unwittingly walked in on Pete and Mikey going at it on top of Gerard's bed, and it hadn't just been a case of walking in on a heavy make-out session, which Frank would just have laughed off, they had been actually fucking, no clothes on, and he was pretty sure he had walked in at the worst possible moment, and, god, Frank had never been so embarrassed in his life - he could only imagine what it had been like for Pete and Mikey. It said something that six months later, he and Mikey still hadn't said a word about it.
"Hmm," he said, as it would be pretty unfair to dump that on Gerard on their anniversary.
"Mikey said Pete's parents know," Gerard said then, "You know how he has dinner with them and stuff. They actually know that they're together. I don't think they're thrilled about them having sex or sleeping over, though."
Frank had known that, because, come on, Pete wasn't exactly hiding it once they weren't in school, and Frank was sort of annoyed that Gerard sounded so incredulous, as if Gerard thought parents were just the lacrosse team grown up and would all start beating on him if they found out he was gay or something. But it was just issues. Frank kissed them away.
After a while, Gerard sighed. "I have to go upstairs and say hi." He sat up and Frank stretched, letting the air cool his naked skin.
He watched as Gerard bent over to get his pants from the floor. "Hey, remember the first time we had sex," he said, thinking about how at that time Gerard hadn't even wanted Frank too see him completely naked.
Gerard looked at him over his shoulder. "Yeah?"
It wasn't as if Frank had expected Gerard to realize that it had been around this time of the year, so he just shook his head. "Nothing. Just happy we're still, you know." He smiled.
Gerard smiled back. "Yeah. I'll see if there's any food," he said and opened the door to the laundry room, closing it behind him again and leaving Frank alone in the dark basement room.
--
Gerard could only stay till Sunday this time, because he had some sort of group project he had to get back for and Frank knew he couldn't complain when Gerard had made the trek down to see him just for one night. They woke up late Sunday morning and had breakfast then they went back to bed and had the kind of quick, dirty sex they had perfected during the summer after high school.
They kissed lazily for a while until Gerard lifted his head and looked at the clock. "I have to get up," he muttered.
The basement only had one small window and there was a curtain over it, so the room was still dark when Gerard started digging around for his clothes. Frank burrowed into the blankets and thought about the boring chapter he still had to get through (though he was almost absolutely decidedly dropping out) while he listened to Gerard moving around, gathering stuff into his bag, and stubbing his toe on objects on the floor that really should be in a drawer somewhere.
Then he heard a small "oh" and when he glanced up, Gerard was looking at the post-it note on the mirror. Frank had momentarily forgotten about it, and he quickly shut his eyes again. "Oh," he heard Gerard say again, quietly, but then he didn't say anything else. Frank kept his eyes closed waiting for Gerard to come over to the bed, but there was just more shuffling sounds of Gerard packing and then the door clicked shut.
Frank opened his eyes, blinking. He hadn't expected that. He hadn't expected Gerard to just leave without saying anything, but when he squinted into the semi-darkness he could see another post-it note stuck underneath his own on the mirror and he thought "alright, that's fine then".
He pushed the covers aside and stumbled over to read it. It said "Let's talk soon" with no drawing of a heart of any kind on it. Frank stared at it for a few moments.
He really hadn't thought his life couldn't get any crappier right then - what with school and living in his small room next to his sister still, and still having to rely on his bike to get to most places, and having no money, and Gerard being away in New York, but hey, apparently it could get worse. For instance, Gerard could answer a note saying "I love you" with "let's talk".
It was sort of like being punched in the guts. His mind was blank. He tried to think back and, okay, maybe there had been some signs, maybe Gerard had been a bit off lately, especially when he was at school, but he hadn't actually considered that Gerard might want to break up.
Fucking shit, Frank thought, Fucking shitty motherfucking cunt of a fucking asshole. He crawled back into the bed and it smelled of Gerard, and hadn't he just picked the worst fucking time to let Gerard fuck him.
--
Gerard was not the easiest person to try to date; Frank had known that. He had issues, issues with himself, with other people, with self esteem and who he was and whatnot, but it was all part of what made him Gerard and why Frank was in love with him. Gerard was a complete loser when it came to dating, but Frank was a complete loser too, and Gerard had made him fucking fluttery in high school. They had gone through stuff together; Frank had had crushes before, but that was different from actually fighting for someone.
He moped around the basement for most of the morning, because going out meant going to college and getting that ball rolling and he wanted to be angry and miserable over one thing at a time.
He opened the curtains to let some light into the room and then he tidied up a bit before he caught himself, because what the fuck? He thought about stealing some of Gerard's comic books or DVDs instead, but in the end he just sat on the small bed and stared at the drawing on the wall over the desk. He sort of wanted to take it home with him, just in case he didn't come down into the basement much after this, but then he thought how he probably wouldn't be able to even look at it once Gerard wasn't his anymore.
"Fuck," he said, "Fuck it, fuck." He called Gerard, but it went to voicemail, because Gerard was probably sleeping soundly on the train after Frank had been nice enough to give him three orgasms in one night, and he thought about leaving a message, but then the thought no, if Gerard wanted to talk he would fucking have to call Frank. Fucking asshole.
The problem was that he actually understood why Gerard would want to break up. In a way, he got it. He felt bad sometimes when he thought about how impatient he had been with Gerard in high school, because it wasn't until now, when he was well away from it, that he started to think about what it must have been like for Gerard to be a teenager and alone and made fun of and beaten on a regular basis just for existing. Frank had been considered a geek too in high school, but he hadn't been through what Gerard had. Shit like that left scars, Frank didn't have to be a psych major to know that, and of course Gerard would want to start breaking free from it, of course he would want to try to move on.
Last year had still been new and worrying, but they were in their second year of college now (maybe possibly almost for sure Frank's last) and Gerard wouldn't need to cling to Frank anymore. Maybe Frank was just another thing that Gerard wanted to leave behind in order to move on. It would make sense that he wanted to break up so that he could shake the last bit of the shackles tying him to that person he didn't want to be anymore. Or maybe it was just that he had met someone new in New York.
Frank knew things didn't last forever and two years had been a good run, but the fuck of it was that Gerard was his best friend too, not just his boyfriend, so it was like a double blow. He didn't want Gerard to break up with him, but he would take it like a man when it happened. With dignity. No outrage or whining, no guilt. He wasn't going to be bitter or jealous of the new person. He would be cool and calm and gracious so that maybe Gerard would realize he had made a mistake dumping Frank for some pretentious high-drama arty fuckhead with gonorrhoea and other diseases your high school boyfriend didn't give you.
Eventually, he went home and decided to write the whole day off. No college decisions, no sorting things out. He left the two post-its on the mirror without looking at them again.
Gerard called about 9 pm while Frank was watching a movie with his sister and going through a six pack of beer that his mom's boyfriend had left in the fridge - if he got fucked off, whatever, it wasn't like Frank could vomit up the beer again, although he probably actually could, what with the 6th grade cramps that had come back to add to his misery.
"Did you call me?" Gerard sounded like he was smoking, or eating, possibly both and there was music playing in the background.
"No, I mean, I thought you wanted to talk," Frank said. He was glad that he was pretty buzzed, even though that was another of their firsts, another thing he had learned with Gerard.
There was a silence at the other end. "Yeah," Gerard said then, "But, uh, actually I think I want to see you. Are you coming up this weekend?"
Frank was tired; he had a headache and a stomach ache and a hollow feeling in his chest, and he didn't think it was fair that he should have to travel for hours to be dumped. "No, why don't you come here."
"I can't. We have a project. And I promised Mikey."
Right, he had forgotten about Mikey and Pete's love weekend in bed. It rubbed salt on his already wounded, wonky heart. "I don't want to go up there," he said stubbornly.
Gerard was silent for a while and Frank played with the top of the beer bottle. It was Gerard's favourite beer, he realized - not because it was very nice or anything, it was just the kind Gerard always bought, probably just out of habit. He suddenly hated his mom's boyfriend even more. "Okay," Gerard said finally. "So, I'll see you the weekend after? I'll try to come home."
"Okay," Frank said, not able to muster up any enthusiasm.
He hung up and stared at the TV screen and thought of nothing. His throat was tight. Maybe he was getting bronchitis again.
--
Gerard didn't call all week, so if Frank had had any doubts about the fact that they were over, that definitely confirmed it. For two years, they had emailed or talked on the phone at least every other day when Gerard was in New York, but if Gerard didn't care, Frank didn't care.
"Wow, you look like shit, Iero," Bob said when they met in the mall to look at some amplifiers.
Bob was easily one of Frank's favorite people, but he couldn't talk to him about this. He knew what Bob would say anyway, because Bob had a girlfriend who was pretty and smart and they never had any problems or high drama, at least as far as Frank could tell, and he sort of hated Bob for it. He was pretty sure they were supposed to be having mood swings, because they were 19 years old - even though Gerard had turned 20 already and Frank would soon - but Bob made Frank feel like it was just him, just his stupid head.
"I'm thinking about dropping out," he said instead, rubbing his eyes. "Just shit going on. I haven't told my parents and. I don't know."
Bob nodded. "You're the only who can know what you should do," he said simply and Frank didn't really hate him at all.
He had a sudden impulse and dragged Bob with him to a tattoo shop outside the mall, and while Bob watched, he got a tattoo on his right hand that said "hopeless romantic" surrounded by spider web, and that night he had dinner with his dad and uncle and they freaked out, which was sort of understandable. They told him that he'd never be able to get a proper job, and Frank started to feel like he was on the right path, like maybe he was starting to leave the preppy school uniform and all it represented behind. He was maybe leaving this thing with Gerard behind too, but his feelings about that was printed on his hand so it wouldn't be lost.
--
The next Saturday, he decided not to go over to Gerard's even though Gerard had emailed to say he would be in about 3.30 pm. He figured Gerard could come to his house and break up with him on his turf instead. But then he thought, fuck it, and took the car and told his mom he probably wouldn't be longer than an hour.
Gerard wasn't there when he knocked, so he was maybe just upstairs eating dinner, and Frank knew he couldn't deal with Gerard's family right then. He liked them, and he liked the house, but he would fucking cry if Gerard's mom started talking to him in that way she did that made him think she really liked him too.
So he just let himself in and sat on Gerard's bed, staring at the mirror for a good ten minutes before his cellphone beeped. When he got it out, there was a message from Gerard that said "running late. be there about 5. sorry."
Frank pulled his knees up and didn't reply. He thought about just putting a fucking post-it note on Gerard's mirror saying "it was fun, thanks" or something, because it was fucking shitty of Gerard to be late to his own break up party, and he knew that the longer he waited the less gracious and cool he'd be once Gerard started talking.
He heard someone coming down the steps to the basement and froze. He didn't know if Mrs Way knew he had a key to their house and that he tended to come and go as he pleased even when Gerard wasn't home, so he sat absolutely still and hoped she wasn't going into Gerard's room for anything. There was a sound like the dryer being opened and clothes being pulled out, and then he heard Mikey cough, and relaxed.
"Hey," he said, opening the door. Mikey jumped and then squinted at the doorway and Frank realized that he had been sitting in Gerard's room in complete darkness. "Sorry, it's me," he said.
"Hey," Mikey said. He was in pajama pants, even though it was past after 3 pm. "Are you waiting for Gee?"
Frank nodded, miserably. "Do you do laundry now?" he commented.
"I'm going to swing by Pete's graduation party," Mikey said. "Just looking for a clean t-shirt."
"Oh," Frank said, unenthusiastically. "Tell him hi from me."
"His parents gave him a car," Mikey said.
Frank nodded. "Cool." Then he frowned. "He doesn't have a car?"
Mikey shook his head. "He did, but they sold it when he was a Sophomore."
Mikey smiled and Frank thought that he looked a lot like Gerard sometimes, in certain lights. He remembered when Mikey had started sneaking out to see Pete, and Mikey was going to be a Senior this year, but to him, Mikey would always be the lanky kid with the iPod who sat on the edge of the croquet field and didn't speak to anyone.
The croquet team had dissolved once he and Gerard and Ray had graduated and Frank knew that Mikey had schemed hard to not have to join another sports team. With the cunning use of his asthma, he had been allowed to get credits from the choir and Frank thought the rumours about Mikey must have been even more rampant than they had been about him and Gerard, and he liked how Mikey had always seemed to care less than Gerard had about that shit. Then again, Mikey had a good-looking, athletic boyfriend who was obviously in love with him and definitely put out, and that probably helped with the not caring bit.
"Are you okay?" Mikey asked.
Frank nodded and Mikey didn't ask anything else.
"There's pasta," was all he said as he grabbed a t-shirt and disappeared up the stairs again.
--
At 5.20, there was the sound of a key in the door and Frank sat up and quickly reached out to turn on the light so Gerard wouldn't see that he had been lying there in the dark.
"Hi," Gerard said when he saw him, "Sorry, I had to finish up this thing and then the bus was late and I missed the train. Did you have to wait?"
Frank shook his head. "No, I just came here a few minutes ago."
"Do you want to eat?" Gerard asked, as he put down the bag, which had a few more holes in the strap now, and took off his jacket.
Frank was hungry - actually, his stomach was in uproar, telling him there was vomiting or searing pain in his near future, but he shook his head because at the moment that wasn't his main concern. Gerard was going to have a talk with him, and he could vomit after.
"So, you said you wanted to talk," he said. He didn't add, or at least that's what your fucking post-it note said.
Gerard bit his lip, "Yeah, I mean, I'm not sure, but I wanted to - um."
He looked nervous, and Frank thought, good.
He splayed his hands, "What?" he asked, and Gerard's eyes widened. When Frank realized why, he quickly pulled his hand back, but Gerard was already looking at him, surprised.
"You got a tattoo?"
"Yeah."
Gerard walked over and took Frank's arm, very gently, but Frank still flinched. "Can I see it?"
"Yeah, okay," he muttered.
Gerard turned his hand over and looked at the words. "What does it mean? I mean, it's nice but - " He frowned, and there was something careful about his voice.
"Just what it says," Frank pulled his hand back. "So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" At this point he just wanted to get it over with.
Gerard swallowed. "Okay, um, so about the post-it note."
"Yes?" Frank said. "Spit it out."
"Well, did you mean it? Because if it was just, uh, you know, then that's okay."
Frank wasn't really following, as the words didn't make much sense as the start of a break-up speech. "Yeah, I guess I meant it," he said.
"Oh. Um." Gerard fiddled with his sleeves and reddened, "I just wanted to know, so that it wasn't just, like, you know - "
"Look, what is it you want to tell me?" Frank cut in, tired now.
Gerard flushed even more. "Just that, um, well, ditto."
Frank stared at him. "Ditto? That's what you wanted to tell me? Ditto? What the fuck?"
"No, not ditto. But, like, me too. I love you too." Gerard wasn't looking at him; he was standing very awkwardly half leaning away from Frank.
"But you left a note!" Frank said.
Gerard frowned. "Yeah. So did you."
Frank sighed. He felt a little derailed. His mind was still trying to get on track. "I left a note that said I love you and you replied with 'let's talk'."
"Uh. Yeah, I guess."
"So you don't want to break up?" he asked, just to be sure.
"No." Gerard looked suddenly nervous. "Why, do you want to break up?"
"No, but," He rubbed his eyes. His head was still hurting, his chest too, "Gerard, what the fuck? What was with that fucking note? And you didn't say anything."
"I don't know, I wanted to, but you were asleep. I guess I wanted to say it to your face."
"You could have called."
"You seemed kinda mad at me on the phone."
Frank wanted to rake his fingers over his face in pure frustration, pulling his skin down the way they did in comics. "I left you a note saying I love you on our fucking anniversary and you wrote a note back saying that. How did you think I was going to react?"
"Oh." Gerard frowned. He seemed to consider it. It took a while. "I guess, yeah," he said then, "Yeah." His eyes widened, and it was almost comical, Frank couldn't believe he was watching this dawn on Gerard only now.
"You're a shit," Frank said, "You're a - a - " But his diatribe ended when he wasn't able to stop laughing. Relief was bubbling up through his chest. The bronchitis was fucking gone.
"I'm sorry," Gerard was over by his side, touching his arm, his chest, "I'm so sorry, I really wanted to say it, you know, that I - I love you," He stumbled a little over the words and he was talking really fast, and Frank could smell the tobacco and paint and sweat from running after a bus in the rain, and he remembered suddenly that Gerard was fucking bad at this and it all made sense, "And I don't know why I haven't before, because I've been in love with you since, well, day one, and basically -"
"I know," Frank said, "I knew that. It's just that you suddenly made me think you didn't. You little shit."
"Sorry."
"Yeah, you better be."
They smiled at each other in the semi-darkness.
"Wait," Gerard said then. "It was our anniversary?"
Frank felt his cheeks heat up slightly, "Yeah, but that's not - I just remember the date, I don't know why, really."
Gerard took a breath. Then he grinned a little. "Two years," he said.
"Yeah."
The basement was warm and quiet and Frank's favorite place to be again. He closed his eyes and Gerard put a foot wrong and sort of bumped into him and they fell against the desk, but Frank grabbed Gerard's shoulders and kissed him really hard, biting his lip to get the last of his anger and frustration out. "I was so fucking sad. I thought you had met someone else or just wanted to be free and single in New York," he mumbled.
Gerard frowned. "No, I haven't even - I mean, I still can't believe I met you," he said, looking a little sheepish.
Frank laughed. "I even pictured him, I'm such a sad fuck. Two fucking weeks I was just sitting in my room thinking about you with this guy who doesn't even exist." He shook his head, "I guess if I had any doubt if I really love you that would have answered it."
Gerard's face went a little red, his eyes were wide and bright and shone. He slid his hands up around Frank's on his shoulders and laced their fingers together, kissing him again, tasting like cigarettes and everything. "I never had any doubt at all," he said against Frank's lips and that settled that.
--
Frank dropped out of college and so did Ray, which really surprised Frank and made him think differently about Ray, and Bob moved in with his girlfriend, which was not the same girl he had been with when he had sat with Frank in the tattoo parlour, and Mikey drove Pete's new car into a telephone pole, and they recorded a demo, and Pete forgave Mikey eventually, because the summer after Gerard graduated, they got engaged, with rings and everything, which Gerard thought was ridiculous since they couldn't actually get married, but Frank thought it was sweet anyway and he asked Gerard to marry him too; he wrote it on a post-it note and stuck it to the fridge in the small one-bed apartment they rented downtown that smelled of damp and tobacco and paint thinner.
*
end. Again.
So, another prompt, this time from stereomer, who wanted Frank, Gerard and post its. I am cheating a little, because I set it in The Holly Golightly universe. Takes place two years after the original story:
Mood Swings and Happy Dazes
MCR/FOB, 6,000ish words, Rated R, The Holly Golightly Club extra ficcage
Frank was sitting on the floor in Gerard's basement room, waiting for Gerard to come shuffling down the basement steps with his holey, army green bag and messy hair. After Gerard had gone off to art school, Gerard's parents had refurbished the basement so that Gerard had a place to stay when he was at home that did not share a bathroom with his brother. It had its own entrance and a coffeemaker and a small fridge, and Frank was jealous, because his room was still the same one he'd had in high school, next to his sister's and across the hall from his mom and her new boyfriend, and his room at his dad's was even smaller.
He had always loved the Ways' house. It was really cool with interesting shit everywhere: candles and dolls and art and weird-looking ashtrays and booze and photographs and heavy drapes and, it seemed, a wealth of Frank's firsts. But nothing he regretted. There was a drawing on the wall over the desk that he loved; it was very vivid and gruesome and angry, but with a beauty to it, like the kind of music he liked to play. He remembered when Gerard had made it.
Gerard didn't know that he was already there, waiting. Usually, Gerard called him once he was off the train from New York and Frank would drive over or take the bus, which meant Gerard had time to put his stuff away and shower, even though he very rarely bothered, but that day, he had let himself in with the spare key Gerard had given him, and he'd already spent the better part of the day there, alone. Both Bob and Mikey were busy with their own stuff, and Frank didn't have any real friends at college, just acquaintances, just like it had been in high school, or at least until he met Gerard, but he didn't mind. He saw Ray on campus sometimes, but he wouldn't say they were friends; they played together once a week when Gerard was home from school, but that was as far as their friendship stretched. And anyway, Frank liked having the Ways basement to himself.
He was sitting cross-legged on the floor with a book opened on his lap. He was supposed to read a fantastically boring chapter and take notes, but what the hell. Though, he probably shouldn't be sitting on the floor, because the dust in the carpet was making his airways close up. Frank had a small pharmacy in his bag these days. The stomach problem that had almost gone away by his Senior year was back again with a vengeance, which he figured was probably from the stress of not knowing what the fuck he was doing with his life.
He was thinking about dropping out. Actually, no, he wasn't thinking about it: he had decided that it was definitely what he was going to do, yes, almost absolutely certainly, he just hadn't told anyone at home or at school yet.
It sounded bad: a college drop out. But he wasn't going to be a social worker or psychologist anyway; he knew that and he figured his mom and dad would eventually agree. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do instead. Maybe going into business with his cousin, helping him put on shows, and maybe playing a few himself once The Zombie Audrey Hepburns got their shit together.
He balled up the paper he had been doodling on and threw it into the bin. It was almost noon, and he tried to go back to reading or at least pretending too, but the chapter wasn't getting any more interesting, so in the end he just wrote a few scribbled notes on a post-it and put it in between two pages for reference.
He closed the book and toyed with the post-its for a while, and then he grabbed a pen and wrote "Miss you," on one of them and got up to stick it somewhere where Gerard would find it when Frank wasn't there. But then he thought, nah. He got a new post-it note and wrote "happy we're still together" on it instead then drew a wonky heart underneath and stuck it to the mirror next to the door. He stared at it for a while and his own reflection around it, and then he discarded that too, and got a new post-it note and wrote "I love u" on it and drew an actual anatomical heart under it, which, whatever, Gerard wasn't going to be able to tell what it was, but Frank wasn't the artist. He played with the note for a while before he put it on the mirror and left it there.
They hadn't said I love you yet, even though Frank did and he was pretty sure Gerard did too. It was just an awkward phrase to get out with any real finesse. He thought Gerard must know how he felt about him, but it would be cool to state it officially, and he figured it was a pretty sweet thing to put on the wall for Gerard to see whenever. Gerard wasn't good at gestures, but he appreciated them.
They had been together for two years and Frank remembered the day they got together, remembered the exact date, actually, because it had been two events in one. He'd done a lot of things for the first time with Gerard, but some meant more than others. He thought maybe they should do something to mark the anniversary. Maybe they could go eat somewhere half nice. He thought maybe he would let Gerard fuck him later, and his insides curled up with heated anticipation; and he looked at the note again and suddenly he wanted Gerard there now. Their relationship was mostly about blowjobs and kisses - Frank was going to write a song entitled that one of these days - but they had fucked a few times and Frank had really enjoyed it, it was just that he tended to forget about it in the heat of the moment and Gerard never asked for it. Gerard wasn't an initiator. Frank thought about sticking a post-it note on his forehead with a detailed drawing of exactly what he thought they should be doing tonight.
Gerard's bed was really small for two people though, and it annoyed Frank that after two years it apparently still hadn't occurred to Gerard to get a bigger bed, even though it should be more than obvious that, hey, boyfriend still here, problem not going away, in fact here to stay. Frank had been known to slide out of it and down on the floor in a happy daze.
Then there was a sound at the door and Frank quickly dropped the pen and post-its on the bed and went over to open the door for Gerard, who was struggling with his bag and keys and slushie. He looked surprised when he saw Frank, but then he smiled and said, "Hey."
"Hey," Frank held the door for him to get inside. "You're early."
"You too," Gerard said. "I didn't think you were going to be here already."
Frank shrugged, "I was bored. And I had some stuff to read." He nodded to the books on the floor.
Gerard put his bag on the end of the bed and shrugged out of his jacket then went to hug Frank. He smelled of cigarettes and his skin was cool against Frank's cheek, because the weather was a bit miserable for this time of year, and Frank thought back to the spring two years ago and how warm it had been.
"You smell like an ashtray," he said and sniffed Gerard's hair, which was still messy and long. "Mmm. Yum."
Gerard had started smoking a lot in New York, like, a pack a day, because apparently everyone else did to help with the concentration, but Frank remembered when they used to sneak cigarettes on the patio at night and how cool they had thought it was, and how Gerard's mom must have known, because they just left them stubbed out on the ground, as if they thought they would dissolve overnight. Nowadays, Frank only smoked when he was drinking, but he assumed that drawing required a different kind of concentration to reading boring Sociology text books, and he didn't mind the tobacco smell anyway.
"Are you hungry?" he asked. "I have the car."
Gerard shrugged. "I had a sandwich on the train."
Frank kissed him on the nose. "I'm hungry, but I can wait until after."
Gerard laughed a little. "After?"
"Duh, I haven't seen you for a week. Kinda bursting here." Frank didn't mention the anniversary, because it was a bit silly, but he kept thinking about it, and how it was a special occasion, and he made sure that they did it slower this time, with a bit more thought, a bit more time spent on the things Gerard never asked for.
--
"Mikey wants me to cover for him next weekend," Gerard said, after, when they were lying under the comforter, naked and a lot more relaxed, "And say that he's spending it with me in New York." He was tracing a finger along the back of Frank's hand sort of mindlessly.
"So you're not coming home next weekend?" Frank asked, a little disappointed.
He didn't mind the train journey up there or staying in Gerard's room, but it was never like this, not like how it was when Gerard was home. Frank wasn't sure if Gerard was really all that comfortable having a boyfriend show up at the dorm for everyone to see, but he knew that Gerard would never say anything and when Frank held his hand on campus, Gerard let him, just as normal. But it wasn't like this.
"You can come up if you want," Gerard mumbled. "Mikey's not actually going to be there."
"Oh?" Frank turned his head. "What is he doing?"
Gerard made a face, "Pete Wentz graduates this week, so Pete got this hotel for the weekend as some sort of graduation present. That's all I know."
Frank grinned. "I doubt the room is the present."
Gerard lay still, then he said, "I don't know, it'd be a bit mean to say no. They don't have a place, and it's not like they won't do it anyway, you know."
Frank didn't say that he was pretty sure Pete and Mikey had found a place, because he didn't want to have to tell Gerard how he knew. It had been nicely traumatising for everyone involved when Frank had let himself into the basement on a Sunday afternoon to pick up a DVD and had unwittingly walked in on Pete and Mikey going at it on top of Gerard's bed, and it hadn't just been a case of walking in on a heavy make-out session, which Frank would just have laughed off, they had been actually fucking, no clothes on, and he was pretty sure he had walked in at the worst possible moment, and, god, Frank had never been so embarrassed in his life - he could only imagine what it had been like for Pete and Mikey. It said something that six months later, he and Mikey still hadn't said a word about it.
"Hmm," he said, as it would be pretty unfair to dump that on Gerard on their anniversary.
"Mikey said Pete's parents know," Gerard said then, "You know how he has dinner with them and stuff. They actually know that they're together. I don't think they're thrilled about them having sex or sleeping over, though."
Frank had known that, because, come on, Pete wasn't exactly hiding it once they weren't in school, and Frank was sort of annoyed that Gerard sounded so incredulous, as if Gerard thought parents were just the lacrosse team grown up and would all start beating on him if they found out he was gay or something. But it was just issues. Frank kissed them away.
After a while, Gerard sighed. "I have to go upstairs and say hi." He sat up and Frank stretched, letting the air cool his naked skin.
He watched as Gerard bent over to get his pants from the floor. "Hey, remember the first time we had sex," he said, thinking about how at that time Gerard hadn't even wanted Frank too see him completely naked.
Gerard looked at him over his shoulder. "Yeah?"
It wasn't as if Frank had expected Gerard to realize that it had been around this time of the year, so he just shook his head. "Nothing. Just happy we're still, you know." He smiled.
Gerard smiled back. "Yeah. I'll see if there's any food," he said and opened the door to the laundry room, closing it behind him again and leaving Frank alone in the dark basement room.
--
Gerard could only stay till Sunday this time, because he had some sort of group project he had to get back for and Frank knew he couldn't complain when Gerard had made the trek down to see him just for one night. They woke up late Sunday morning and had breakfast then they went back to bed and had the kind of quick, dirty sex they had perfected during the summer after high school.
They kissed lazily for a while until Gerard lifted his head and looked at the clock. "I have to get up," he muttered.
The basement only had one small window and there was a curtain over it, so the room was still dark when Gerard started digging around for his clothes. Frank burrowed into the blankets and thought about the boring chapter he still had to get through (though he was almost absolutely decidedly dropping out) while he listened to Gerard moving around, gathering stuff into his bag, and stubbing his toe on objects on the floor that really should be in a drawer somewhere.
Then he heard a small "oh" and when he glanced up, Gerard was looking at the post-it note on the mirror. Frank had momentarily forgotten about it, and he quickly shut his eyes again. "Oh," he heard Gerard say again, quietly, but then he didn't say anything else. Frank kept his eyes closed waiting for Gerard to come over to the bed, but there was just more shuffling sounds of Gerard packing and then the door clicked shut.
Frank opened his eyes, blinking. He hadn't expected that. He hadn't expected Gerard to just leave without saying anything, but when he squinted into the semi-darkness he could see another post-it note stuck underneath his own on the mirror and he thought "alright, that's fine then".
He pushed the covers aside and stumbled over to read it. It said "Let's talk soon" with no drawing of a heart of any kind on it. Frank stared at it for a few moments.
He really hadn't thought his life couldn't get any crappier right then - what with school and living in his small room next to his sister still, and still having to rely on his bike to get to most places, and having no money, and Gerard being away in New York, but hey, apparently it could get worse. For instance, Gerard could answer a note saying "I love you" with "let's talk".
It was sort of like being punched in the guts. His mind was blank. He tried to think back and, okay, maybe there had been some signs, maybe Gerard had been a bit off lately, especially when he was at school, but he hadn't actually considered that Gerard might want to break up.
Fucking shit, Frank thought, Fucking shitty motherfucking cunt of a fucking asshole. He crawled back into the bed and it smelled of Gerard, and hadn't he just picked the worst fucking time to let Gerard fuck him.
--
Gerard was not the easiest person to try to date; Frank had known that. He had issues, issues with himself, with other people, with self esteem and who he was and whatnot, but it was all part of what made him Gerard and why Frank was in love with him. Gerard was a complete loser when it came to dating, but Frank was a complete loser too, and Gerard had made him fucking fluttery in high school. They had gone through stuff together; Frank had had crushes before, but that was different from actually fighting for someone.
He moped around the basement for most of the morning, because going out meant going to college and getting that ball rolling and he wanted to be angry and miserable over one thing at a time.
He opened the curtains to let some light into the room and then he tidied up a bit before he caught himself, because what the fuck? He thought about stealing some of Gerard's comic books or DVDs instead, but in the end he just sat on the small bed and stared at the drawing on the wall over the desk. He sort of wanted to take it home with him, just in case he didn't come down into the basement much after this, but then he thought how he probably wouldn't be able to even look at it once Gerard wasn't his anymore.
"Fuck," he said, "Fuck it, fuck." He called Gerard, but it went to voicemail, because Gerard was probably sleeping soundly on the train after Frank had been nice enough to give him three orgasms in one night, and he thought about leaving a message, but then the thought no, if Gerard wanted to talk he would fucking have to call Frank. Fucking asshole.
The problem was that he actually understood why Gerard would want to break up. In a way, he got it. He felt bad sometimes when he thought about how impatient he had been with Gerard in high school, because it wasn't until now, when he was well away from it, that he started to think about what it must have been like for Gerard to be a teenager and alone and made fun of and beaten on a regular basis just for existing. Frank had been considered a geek too in high school, but he hadn't been through what Gerard had. Shit like that left scars, Frank didn't have to be a psych major to know that, and of course Gerard would want to start breaking free from it, of course he would want to try to move on.
Last year had still been new and worrying, but they were in their second year of college now (maybe possibly almost for sure Frank's last) and Gerard wouldn't need to cling to Frank anymore. Maybe Frank was just another thing that Gerard wanted to leave behind in order to move on. It would make sense that he wanted to break up so that he could shake the last bit of the shackles tying him to that person he didn't want to be anymore. Or maybe it was just that he had met someone new in New York.
Frank knew things didn't last forever and two years had been a good run, but the fuck of it was that Gerard was his best friend too, not just his boyfriend, so it was like a double blow. He didn't want Gerard to break up with him, but he would take it like a man when it happened. With dignity. No outrage or whining, no guilt. He wasn't going to be bitter or jealous of the new person. He would be cool and calm and gracious so that maybe Gerard would realize he had made a mistake dumping Frank for some pretentious high-drama arty fuckhead with gonorrhoea and other diseases your high school boyfriend didn't give you.
Eventually, he went home and decided to write the whole day off. No college decisions, no sorting things out. He left the two post-its on the mirror without looking at them again.
Gerard called about 9 pm while Frank was watching a movie with his sister and going through a six pack of beer that his mom's boyfriend had left in the fridge - if he got fucked off, whatever, it wasn't like Frank could vomit up the beer again, although he probably actually could, what with the 6th grade cramps that had come back to add to his misery.
"Did you call me?" Gerard sounded like he was smoking, or eating, possibly both and there was music playing in the background.
"No, I mean, I thought you wanted to talk," Frank said. He was glad that he was pretty buzzed, even though that was another of their firsts, another thing he had learned with Gerard.
There was a silence at the other end. "Yeah," Gerard said then, "But, uh, actually I think I want to see you. Are you coming up this weekend?"
Frank was tired; he had a headache and a stomach ache and a hollow feeling in his chest, and he didn't think it was fair that he should have to travel for hours to be dumped. "No, why don't you come here."
"I can't. We have a project. And I promised Mikey."
Right, he had forgotten about Mikey and Pete's love weekend in bed. It rubbed salt on his already wounded, wonky heart. "I don't want to go up there," he said stubbornly.
Gerard was silent for a while and Frank played with the top of the beer bottle. It was Gerard's favourite beer, he realized - not because it was very nice or anything, it was just the kind Gerard always bought, probably just out of habit. He suddenly hated his mom's boyfriend even more. "Okay," Gerard said finally. "So, I'll see you the weekend after? I'll try to come home."
"Okay," Frank said, not able to muster up any enthusiasm.
He hung up and stared at the TV screen and thought of nothing. His throat was tight. Maybe he was getting bronchitis again.
--
Gerard didn't call all week, so if Frank had had any doubts about the fact that they were over, that definitely confirmed it. For two years, they had emailed or talked on the phone at least every other day when Gerard was in New York, but if Gerard didn't care, Frank didn't care.
"Wow, you look like shit, Iero," Bob said when they met in the mall to look at some amplifiers.
Bob was easily one of Frank's favorite people, but he couldn't talk to him about this. He knew what Bob would say anyway, because Bob had a girlfriend who was pretty and smart and they never had any problems or high drama, at least as far as Frank could tell, and he sort of hated Bob for it. He was pretty sure they were supposed to be having mood swings, because they were 19 years old - even though Gerard had turned 20 already and Frank would soon - but Bob made Frank feel like it was just him, just his stupid head.
"I'm thinking about dropping out," he said instead, rubbing his eyes. "Just shit going on. I haven't told my parents and. I don't know."
Bob nodded. "You're the only who can know what you should do," he said simply and Frank didn't really hate him at all.
He had a sudden impulse and dragged Bob with him to a tattoo shop outside the mall, and while Bob watched, he got a tattoo on his right hand that said "hopeless romantic" surrounded by spider web, and that night he had dinner with his dad and uncle and they freaked out, which was sort of understandable. They told him that he'd never be able to get a proper job, and Frank started to feel like he was on the right path, like maybe he was starting to leave the preppy school uniform and all it represented behind. He was maybe leaving this thing with Gerard behind too, but his feelings about that was printed on his hand so it wouldn't be lost.
--
The next Saturday, he decided not to go over to Gerard's even though Gerard had emailed to say he would be in about 3.30 pm. He figured Gerard could come to his house and break up with him on his turf instead. But then he thought, fuck it, and took the car and told his mom he probably wouldn't be longer than an hour.
Gerard wasn't there when he knocked, so he was maybe just upstairs eating dinner, and Frank knew he couldn't deal with Gerard's family right then. He liked them, and he liked the house, but he would fucking cry if Gerard's mom started talking to him in that way she did that made him think she really liked him too.
So he just let himself in and sat on Gerard's bed, staring at the mirror for a good ten minutes before his cellphone beeped. When he got it out, there was a message from Gerard that said "running late. be there about 5. sorry."
Frank pulled his knees up and didn't reply. He thought about just putting a fucking post-it note on Gerard's mirror saying "it was fun, thanks" or something, because it was fucking shitty of Gerard to be late to his own break up party, and he knew that the longer he waited the less gracious and cool he'd be once Gerard started talking.
He heard someone coming down the steps to the basement and froze. He didn't know if Mrs Way knew he had a key to their house and that he tended to come and go as he pleased even when Gerard wasn't home, so he sat absolutely still and hoped she wasn't going into Gerard's room for anything. There was a sound like the dryer being opened and clothes being pulled out, and then he heard Mikey cough, and relaxed.
"Hey," he said, opening the door. Mikey jumped and then squinted at the doorway and Frank realized that he had been sitting in Gerard's room in complete darkness. "Sorry, it's me," he said.
"Hey," Mikey said. He was in pajama pants, even though it was past after 3 pm. "Are you waiting for Gee?"
Frank nodded, miserably. "Do you do laundry now?" he commented.
"I'm going to swing by Pete's graduation party," Mikey said. "Just looking for a clean t-shirt."
"Oh," Frank said, unenthusiastically. "Tell him hi from me."
"His parents gave him a car," Mikey said.
Frank nodded. "Cool." Then he frowned. "He doesn't have a car?"
Mikey shook his head. "He did, but they sold it when he was a Sophomore."
Mikey smiled and Frank thought that he looked a lot like Gerard sometimes, in certain lights. He remembered when Mikey had started sneaking out to see Pete, and Mikey was going to be a Senior this year, but to him, Mikey would always be the lanky kid with the iPod who sat on the edge of the croquet field and didn't speak to anyone.
The croquet team had dissolved once he and Gerard and Ray had graduated and Frank knew that Mikey had schemed hard to not have to join another sports team. With the cunning use of his asthma, he had been allowed to get credits from the choir and Frank thought the rumours about Mikey must have been even more rampant than they had been about him and Gerard, and he liked how Mikey had always seemed to care less than Gerard had about that shit. Then again, Mikey had a good-looking, athletic boyfriend who was obviously in love with him and definitely put out, and that probably helped with the not caring bit.
"Are you okay?" Mikey asked.
Frank nodded and Mikey didn't ask anything else.
"There's pasta," was all he said as he grabbed a t-shirt and disappeared up the stairs again.
--
At 5.20, there was the sound of a key in the door and Frank sat up and quickly reached out to turn on the light so Gerard wouldn't see that he had been lying there in the dark.
"Hi," Gerard said when he saw him, "Sorry, I had to finish up this thing and then the bus was late and I missed the train. Did you have to wait?"
Frank shook his head. "No, I just came here a few minutes ago."
"Do you want to eat?" Gerard asked, as he put down the bag, which had a few more holes in the strap now, and took off his jacket.
Frank was hungry - actually, his stomach was in uproar, telling him there was vomiting or searing pain in his near future, but he shook his head because at the moment that wasn't his main concern. Gerard was going to have a talk with him, and he could vomit after.
"So, you said you wanted to talk," he said. He didn't add, or at least that's what your fucking post-it note said.
Gerard bit his lip, "Yeah, I mean, I'm not sure, but I wanted to - um."
He looked nervous, and Frank thought, good.
He splayed his hands, "What?" he asked, and Gerard's eyes widened. When Frank realized why, he quickly pulled his hand back, but Gerard was already looking at him, surprised.
"You got a tattoo?"
"Yeah."
Gerard walked over and took Frank's arm, very gently, but Frank still flinched. "Can I see it?"
"Yeah, okay," he muttered.
Gerard turned his hand over and looked at the words. "What does it mean? I mean, it's nice but - " He frowned, and there was something careful about his voice.
"Just what it says," Frank pulled his hand back. "So, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" At this point he just wanted to get it over with.
Gerard swallowed. "Okay, um, so about the post-it note."
"Yes?" Frank said. "Spit it out."
"Well, did you mean it? Because if it was just, uh, you know, then that's okay."
Frank wasn't really following, as the words didn't make much sense as the start of a break-up speech. "Yeah, I guess I meant it," he said.
"Oh. Um." Gerard fiddled with his sleeves and reddened, "I just wanted to know, so that it wasn't just, like, you know - "
"Look, what is it you want to tell me?" Frank cut in, tired now.
Gerard flushed even more. "Just that, um, well, ditto."
Frank stared at him. "Ditto? That's what you wanted to tell me? Ditto? What the fuck?"
"No, not ditto. But, like, me too. I love you too." Gerard wasn't looking at him; he was standing very awkwardly half leaning away from Frank.
"But you left a note!" Frank said.
Gerard frowned. "Yeah. So did you."
Frank sighed. He felt a little derailed. His mind was still trying to get on track. "I left a note that said I love you and you replied with 'let's talk'."
"Uh. Yeah, I guess."
"So you don't want to break up?" he asked, just to be sure.
"No." Gerard looked suddenly nervous. "Why, do you want to break up?"
"No, but," He rubbed his eyes. His head was still hurting, his chest too, "Gerard, what the fuck? What was with that fucking note? And you didn't say anything."
"I don't know, I wanted to, but you were asleep. I guess I wanted to say it to your face."
"You could have called."
"You seemed kinda mad at me on the phone."
Frank wanted to rake his fingers over his face in pure frustration, pulling his skin down the way they did in comics. "I left you a note saying I love you on our fucking anniversary and you wrote a note back saying that. How did you think I was going to react?"
"Oh." Gerard frowned. He seemed to consider it. It took a while. "I guess, yeah," he said then, "Yeah." His eyes widened, and it was almost comical, Frank couldn't believe he was watching this dawn on Gerard only now.
"You're a shit," Frank said, "You're a - a - " But his diatribe ended when he wasn't able to stop laughing. Relief was bubbling up through his chest. The bronchitis was fucking gone.
"I'm sorry," Gerard was over by his side, touching his arm, his chest, "I'm so sorry, I really wanted to say it, you know, that I - I love you," He stumbled a little over the words and he was talking really fast, and Frank could smell the tobacco and paint and sweat from running after a bus in the rain, and he remembered suddenly that Gerard was fucking bad at this and it all made sense, "And I don't know why I haven't before, because I've been in love with you since, well, day one, and basically -"
"I know," Frank said, "I knew that. It's just that you suddenly made me think you didn't. You little shit."
"Sorry."
"Yeah, you better be."
They smiled at each other in the semi-darkness.
"Wait," Gerard said then. "It was our anniversary?"
Frank felt his cheeks heat up slightly, "Yeah, but that's not - I just remember the date, I don't know why, really."
Gerard took a breath. Then he grinned a little. "Two years," he said.
"Yeah."
The basement was warm and quiet and Frank's favorite place to be again. He closed his eyes and Gerard put a foot wrong and sort of bumped into him and they fell against the desk, but Frank grabbed Gerard's shoulders and kissed him really hard, biting his lip to get the last of his anger and frustration out. "I was so fucking sad. I thought you had met someone else or just wanted to be free and single in New York," he mumbled.
Gerard frowned. "No, I haven't even - I mean, I still can't believe I met you," he said, looking a little sheepish.
Frank laughed. "I even pictured him, I'm such a sad fuck. Two fucking weeks I was just sitting in my room thinking about you with this guy who doesn't even exist." He shook his head, "I guess if I had any doubt if I really love you that would have answered it."
Gerard's face went a little red, his eyes were wide and bright and shone. He slid his hands up around Frank's on his shoulders and laced their fingers together, kissing him again, tasting like cigarettes and everything. "I never had any doubt at all," he said against Frank's lips and that settled that.
--
Frank dropped out of college and so did Ray, which really surprised Frank and made him think differently about Ray, and Bob moved in with his girlfriend, which was not the same girl he had been with when he had sat with Frank in the tattoo parlour, and Mikey drove Pete's new car into a telephone pole, and they recorded a demo, and Pete forgave Mikey eventually, because the summer after Gerard graduated, they got engaged, with rings and everything, which Gerard thought was ridiculous since they couldn't actually get married, but Frank thought it was sweet anyway and he asked Gerard to marry him too; he wrote it on a post-it note and stuck it to the fridge in the small one-bed apartment they rented downtown that smelled of damp and tobacco and paint thinner.
*
end. Again.