"Monster Movies" - a Jacob/Bella fanmix with fic drabbles (Twilight)
"You sure can pick them, Bella. This movie really sucks."
jacob - new moon chapter nine
Here we have a mix of ridiculously epic proportions with nineteen tracks, six of which are accompanied by drabbles. I think I definitely put more work, time, and love into this mix than any other I've ever done. Why can't I be this much of an overachiever in school? LOL.
The song choices on this mix sometimes get pretty light-hearted or tongue-in-cheek, but if you're a hardcore J/B shipper, it may be impossible to listen to all of it without crying a little. Just a warning...*sniffle*
This is my first mix I've ever written drabbles to go along with, oooooh. Feedback is muchly appreciated. :D
01 Werewolf Cat Power
once i saw him in the moonlight
i saw the werewolf
and the werewolf was crying
oh nobody knows, nobody knows my pain
for the werewolf have sympathy
for the werewolf is somebody like you and me
Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar.
Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word we'd said. Jacob was in agony.
eclipse chapter twenty three
02 Sour Girl Stone Temple Pilots
she was a sour girl the day that she met me
she was a happy girl the day that she left me
he was so happy on the day that he met her
i was a superman but looks are deceiving
the rollercoaster ride's a lonely one
she was a teenage girl when she met me
the girl got reasons, they all got reasons
what would you do if i followed you?
In the weeks following the Cullens' return to Forks, Jacob keeps himself busy and distracted working in the garage fixing things. One of his neighbors is paying him a decent amount of cash to do a lot of work on an old convertible. On the afternoon Jacob calls him to tell him he's done, he sounds astonished that it's ready so soon. "In perfect shape," Jacob promises.
"Wow," his neighbor says. "Thanks for being so quick. I ought to give you something extra to make it up to you."
"Don't worry about it."
As soon as Jacob gets off the phone, it rings again. He looks back at it, but he has a feeling who it might be and instead goes to the fridge to get some orange juice, ignoring it. A moment later Billy has picked it up from the other room and calls, "Jake, it's Bella again. Do you want to talk to her?"
Bella. He hasn't seen her or talked to her since her bloodsucker came back. He hears she's fine now. She's happy again. He keeps picturing her the way she was in the past many months, looking so thin and worn-out and with a kind of shallow blankness in her eyes, and then picturing her smiling with a genuinely happy radiance, the way he has hardly ever even seen her himself. It seems harshly unfair.
Does he want to talk to her this time? For once, he considers it fleetingly, imagining a conversation strangely similar to the other one he just had on the phone. "What? What do you want? You came to me broken and I fixed you. You've been returned to your owner in perfect shape. And he can't make it up to me, so what more do you want?"
Instead, he calls back, "No. Tell her I'm out."
03 Knife Grizzly Bear
i want you to know
when i look in your eyes
with every blow
comes another lie
you think it's alright
you think it's alright
can't you feel the knife?
"Bella...?"
I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn't left when I'd thought. It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying. He walked quickly back to stand in front of me, ducking his head so that his eyes were closer to being on the same level with mine.
"Did it again, didn't I?"
"Did what?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"Broke my promise. Sorry."
"S'okay," I mumbled. "I started it this time."
I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. "This sucks," I said.
"Yeah."
new moon chapter eighteen
04 Meet Ze Monsta PJ Harvey
i'm not running
i'm not scared
big black monsoon
take me with you
i'm not jerking
i won't hide
yeah, I'm ready
meet the monster tonight
"Well, the wolf's out of the bag now," Embry sighed. "Way to go, Jake."
I turned to stare at him-my eyes felt frozen, like I couldn't even blink them.
The boy seemed to be laughing at my expression. "Maybe you'd better drive. She looks like she might hurl."
"I bet she's tougher than that. She runs with vampires."
new moon chapter fourteen
05 Teenager Deftones
i climbed your arms
then you pulled away
a new cavity moved into
my heart today
the more she sings
the more i scream
the more it seems
that now i'm through
Maybe it's not as strong as what she felt for the vampire, but it has to mean something that neither of you is whole without the other. It seems like you are meant to be with her.
"being jacob black"
06 Little Red Riding Hood Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs
hey there, little red riding hood
i don't think little big girls should
go walking in these spooky old woods alone
little red riding hood
i'd like to hold you if i could
but you might think i'm a big bad wolf so i won't
i'll try to be satisfied
just to walk close by your side
Bella picked this one after Jacob mentioned it was good-X-Men 2. She's learned by now that he'll probably always agree to do anything she wants to do, but she figured she might as well use the opportunity if he'll actually like watching something she can handle.
Or thought she could handle. Not even realizing she's doing it, she crosses her arms and grumbles a lot during a few less action-oriented scenes. Then-oh, great. They're kissing. What kind of a "guy movie" is this, as Quil commented that it is on his way out of Jake's house when he saw what they were going to watch?
"What is he doing?" she demands in anger that is a little excessive; from the other side of the couch where he's sitting with his long legs stretched out and resting on the table, Jacob laughs lightly. "He can't just kiss her like that! I thought she was with the other guy-with the glasses!"
He laughs more. "She doesn't look like she minds too much. And come on. Don't tell me you'd pick Cyclops over Wolverine."
Bella makes a noise of disgust. "Please. At least he's a gentleman. Wolverine is so...uncivilized."
He is laughing as much as ever, grinning widely. She doesn't realize it, but he is happy about how naturally and lightly she's able to talk about such a thing at the moment. "Is that so?" he asks skeptically. "I took you for the type to go for more of a scoundrel."
"Me? Why?" she asks in an almost offended tone.
He looks at her like she is missing something quite obvious. "Well, you're not exactly the most old-fashioned and ladylike girl, are you? Getting motorbike riding lessons in secret?"
She looks down, appearing to feel defeated. She seems to be mildly irritated by the topic, but not quite realizing what they might really be talking about enough to lose her casual composure. "Hmph," she just says defiantly to the TV screen.
07 Sullen Girl Fiona Apple
days like this
i don't know what to do with myself
and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
is that why they call me a sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail
the deep and tranquil sea
but he washed me shore and he took my pearl
and left an empty shell of me
How could I explain it so he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house. He deserved better than that. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.
new moon chapter nine
08 Fake Palindromes Andrew Bird
my dewy-eyed disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
monsters?
what monsters that talk
monsters that walk the earth
and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies
some lonely night we can get together
and she's got knee high socks what to cover a bruise
she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you
It doesn't take long for Jacob to figure out that Bella doesn't like to watch romantic films. They sit at his house or in movie theatres watching the most brutal and horrific movies, ones with zombies getting dismembered or aliens clawing into people's flesh or diseased dogs with red eyes snapping their sharp teeth, ones that always end with the screen filled with blood like an abstract painting with red paint thrown aimlessly all over the canvas, and she never even flinches. Only once during a movie has she ever gasped and covered her eyes with her hands, impulsively leaning her head into his chest to hide it further, and then recovered quickly to look up at his amused, smirking face and explain apologetically, "I don't like needles."
But if a couple starts kissing in a movie they're watching, or even holding hands or grabbing onto each other in fear, he's noticed she will suddenly become even more detached from the watching experience than she usually always is, looking down absently like she can't handle seeing it. Sometimes she'll even start to uncomfortably squirm in her seat a little like she feels like she's going to be sick.
It's just strange to him, now that he knows everything. That freak boyfriend of hers was just like a creature out of the kind of movies she has a taste for now. Yet none of the scenes of people getting attacked by them hit close to home. It's nothing about the Cullens' monstrous nature that scares her. It's love and intimacy that she's learned to be afraid of. Sometimes when she reacts like that to a movie they're watching together, he feels an impulsive, strangely protective need to do something - put his arm around her or take her hand securely, somehow convey the words I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. For what it's worth.
But then he always realizes his complete helplessness. It does no good to help a bruise heal by putting more pressure on the same place.
09 3 Libras A Perfect Circle
difficult not to feel a little bit
disappointed and passed over
when i look right through
see you naked but oblivious
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded
but i see, see through it all
see through and see you
Of course you realize that you're falling in love with her. You also know that she's not ready, and she doesn't think of you that way. You know how to be patient, though, and you keep your fingers crossed that someday she'll look at you differently.
"being jacob black"
10 Somersault Zero 7
you're the warmth in my summer breeze
you're the ivory to my ebony key
you're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
when i fear the unknown
you feel like home, you feel like home
you put my feet back on the ground
did you know you brought me round
you were sweet and you were sound
you saved me
see i had shrunk yet still you wore me around
and around and around
On February 16th the weather is getting to be a little warmer and the Newtons' store is noticeably busier today. During Bella's lunch break, Mrs. Newton and another employee named Holly are in the break room with her drinking coffee and flipping through magazines. By now most people who work there have gotten used to Bella never having much to say anymore; they just about ignore her presence as she sits spinning the cap from her soda bottle on the tabletop.
"Did you and Derek do anything special for Valentine's Day, Holly?" Mrs. Newton asks.
Holly is in the middle of yawning boredly. "Not really," she answers after a moment. "We were both kind of busy. He gave me some flowers, though."
"That's nice. Andy and I tried to do something nice . . ."
As Mrs. Newton now starts telling Holly about a bad experience she and her husband had driving out of town to eat at some fancy Japanese place, Bella remembers Jacob handing her the little pink box of conversation hearts. It made her a little uncomfortable at the time, but now she thinks of it and feels grateful for how easy instead of awkward Jacob somehow manages to make everything. "What exactly does that entail?" "The usual - slave for life, that kind of thing." It suddenly seems a lot more silly to her than it did at the time, and without her fully realizing it, the corners of her lips tug up into a tiny, uncontrollable smile for a moment as she remembers it.
Jacob takes everything so lightly that sometimes he reminds her of a little kid. It makes the world feel like a safe place again rather than a dark and serious one. Somehow, at some point, the sound of Edward's voice humming her lullaby in the dark at night has been replaced with the chipper sound of Jacob casually whistling in the daytime as she's gotten used to him habitually doing all the time when she's with him. It's a very different kind of pleasing and comforting sound, like the chirping of birds outside as the sun is rising.
11 Pitseleh Elliott Smith
i'll tell you why i
don't want to know where you are
i got a joke i've been dying to tell you
i'm not what's missing from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
the first time i saw you
i knew it would never last
and i was bad news for you just because
i never meant to hurt you
A lot has changed since she was seventeen and unscathed, laughing at the things he said then in a way that made him feel ten times bigger than he knew he was and asking him to tell her scary stories. He keeps remembering her face that day now, thinking. How much did she already know?
Sam was able to tell Emily everything. More like he couldn't not tell her. He wonders, if he could just see Bella, if he was to imprint on her, if that bond would be strong enough to break the restraint of Sam's order...
Walking down the beach by himself, he shakes his head a little as if to jerk that thought out of his head. It may take a miracle to free her from the hold that's on her too, the claim that repulsive leech still has on her, but it won't make him feel better to imagine such an easy solution. That's when he sees the driftwood he and Bella were sitting on that day, where they always sit now, and in a surge of anger and frustration he imagines it burning up in a brilliant blue fire. She already knows everything. The memory of when he told her all of that is as clear to him as if it happened yesterday. Maybe not so much to her, he thinks feeling a faint sting.
Who is he kidding? He knows who his enemies are now-who they're supposed to be. She may not want to know the truth anyway. She may not be able to accept it that easily. Some bonds between people cannot endure anything like true love's kiss breaking a spell in a fairy tale or something. And between the ties she still has to the vampires and her ties to his world, he knows which bond is the strongest and more powerful.
But he keeps thinking of that memory, the instantaneous feeling that they could understand each other, the neat and orderly snapping together of two attracted magnets. Nothing magical about it, yet somehow still so strong. And he keeps thinking of how there are, after all, many varying kinds of bonds between people, a vast spectrum of different colors of feelings, different kinds of fire.
12 Purple Rain Stina Nordenstam
never meant to cause you any sorrow
never meant to cause you any pain
only wanted to one time see you laughing
never wanted to be your weekend lover
only wanted to be some kind of friend
i could never steal you from another
it's such a shame our friendship had to end
"Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."
The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. "Are you...breaking up with me?" The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.
He barked out a bitter laugh. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's say friends.' I can't even say that."
new moon chapter eleven
13 Martha My Dear The Beatles
please remember me
hold your head up you silly girl
look what you've done
when you find yourself in the thick of it
help yourself to a bit of what is all around you
take a good look around you
you're bound to see that you and me
were meant to be for each other
silly girl
"Why does it matter to you if something happens to me?" he asked gruffly.
"Don't say that. You know how much you mean to me. You're my best friend. At least, you used to be. And still sometimes are...when you let your guard down."
He smiled that old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Underneath, I'm always in there."
"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"
He laughed with me, and then his eyes were sad. "When are you going to figure out that you're in love with me, too?"
"Leave it to you to ruin the moment."
eclipse chapter twenty one
14 Grow Old With Me The Postal Service
grow old along with me
the best is yet to be
when our time has come
we will be as one
face the setting sun
when the day is done
spending our lives together
man and wife together
world without end
grow old along with me
For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.
eclipse chapter twenty three
15 Holland Sufjan Stevens
all the time we spent in bed
counting miles before we set
fall in love and fall apart
things will end before they start
lose our clothes in summer time
lose ourselves to lose our minds
in the summer heat, i might
Bella has made her decision, but she knows she will always look back on that time that it seemed like her and Jacob Black were the only two people in the world and feel a painful yearning for where it all could have headed-no, would have, as he said. The time when every morning she would wake up and it was only thinking of his face, that smile, that made it worth getting out of bed.
Everything was so perfectly normal. She sees now it was exactly the typical, unexciting way two teenagers end up falling for each other. Riding around in cars together, sitting in a garage eating junk food, going to bad movies, walking around hiking trails or beaches just to talk and maybe get lost - why not? It seems now that time was endless and unlimited then, even though it was the epitome of a normal and mortal existence. Just two high school kids spending their time leisurely talking about nothing, getting themselves into trouble, and slowly falling in love because there's nothing better or more important to do. It was perfect and she didn't even know it. She wants it back to do it again, to realize what she has this time, even though she knows she can't want that if she's made this choice.
She wants to live it again and this time forget that a life like that is not all there is out there for her. She wants to watch the horror movies not knowing there are any real monsters. She wants to go through it again as a whole person who never felt the needle and the drug in her veins, as someone who needs nothing more than air.
No, she thinks. She knows she doesn't really want it. She can't. But she wants so badly to want it that it may make no difference.
16 I Turn My Camera On Rock Kills Kid
i turn my camera on
and i cut my fingers on the way
you hit me like a ton
when I turn my feelings on
i saw them stars go off
i saw them stars off at night
you hit me like a ton
i don't know where it's from
and you, you weren't so polite
"It is my fault. I'm so sick of being told it's not."
He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. "You want me to haul you over the hot coals?"
"Actually...I think I do."
A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable." He spit the words at me. "If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."
eclipse chapter twenty six
17 9 Crimes Damien Rice with Lisa Hannigan
leave me out with the waste
this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place
to be thinking of you
it's the wrong time
for somebody new
it's a small crime
and i've got no excuse
is that alright?
give my gun away when it's loaded
if you don't shoot it,
how am i supposed to hold it
is that alright with you
"I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before," Edward said. "I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."
"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" Jacob challenged. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."
"I would let her go."
eclipse chapter twenty two
18 Intuition Feist
a destination known only by the one
whose fate is overgrown
piecemeal could break your home in half
a love is not complete with only heat
and in came a heatwave
and you chose poetry over prose
a map is more unreal than where you've been
or how you feel
and it's impossible to tell
how important someone was
and what he might have missed out on
and how he might have changed it all for you
and did i, did i, did i
did i miss out on you
Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now.
eclipse chapter twenty seven
19 Sleep The Dandy Warhols
well i could sleep forever
but it's of her i dream
if i could sleep forever
i could forget about everything
if i could sleep forever
if i could sleep forever
if i could sleep forever
If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again....
I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.
eclipse epilogue
.zip.
jacob - new moon chapter nine
Here we have a mix of ridiculously epic proportions with nineteen tracks, six of which are accompanied by drabbles. I think I definitely put more work, time, and love into this mix than any other I've ever done. Why can't I be this much of an overachiever in school? LOL.
The song choices on this mix sometimes get pretty light-hearted or tongue-in-cheek, but if you're a hardcore J/B shipper, it may be impossible to listen to all of it without crying a little. Just a warning...*sniffle*
This is my first mix I've ever written drabbles to go along with, oooooh. Feedback is muchly appreciated. :D
01 Werewolf Cat Power
once i saw him in the moonlight
i saw the werewolf
and the werewolf was crying
oh nobody knows, nobody knows my pain
for the werewolf have sympathy
for the werewolf is somebody like you and me
Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. The howl tore through my mind like a tornado, both strange and familiar.
Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word we'd said. Jacob was in agony.
eclipse chapter twenty three
02 Sour Girl Stone Temple Pilots
she was a sour girl the day that she met me
she was a happy girl the day that she left me
he was so happy on the day that he met her
i was a superman but looks are deceiving
the rollercoaster ride's a lonely one
she was a teenage girl when she met me
the girl got reasons, they all got reasons
what would you do if i followed you?
In the weeks following the Cullens' return to Forks, Jacob keeps himself busy and distracted working in the garage fixing things. One of his neighbors is paying him a decent amount of cash to do a lot of work on an old convertible. On the afternoon Jacob calls him to tell him he's done, he sounds astonished that it's ready so soon. "In perfect shape," Jacob promises.
"Wow," his neighbor says. "Thanks for being so quick. I ought to give you something extra to make it up to you."
"Don't worry about it."
As soon as Jacob gets off the phone, it rings again. He looks back at it, but he has a feeling who it might be and instead goes to the fridge to get some orange juice, ignoring it. A moment later Billy has picked it up from the other room and calls, "Jake, it's Bella again. Do you want to talk to her?"
Bella. He hasn't seen her or talked to her since her bloodsucker came back. He hears she's fine now. She's happy again. He keeps picturing her the way she was in the past many months, looking so thin and worn-out and with a kind of shallow blankness in her eyes, and then picturing her smiling with a genuinely happy radiance, the way he has hardly ever even seen her himself. It seems harshly unfair.
Does he want to talk to her this time? For once, he considers it fleetingly, imagining a conversation strangely similar to the other one he just had on the phone. "What? What do you want? You came to me broken and I fixed you. You've been returned to your owner in perfect shape. And he can't make it up to me, so what more do you want?"
Instead, he calls back, "No. Tell her I'm out."
03 Knife Grizzly Bear
i want you to know
when i look in your eyes
with every blow
comes another lie
you think it's alright
you think it's alright
can't you feel the knife?
"Bella...?"
I pulled my face out of my hands to see Jacob hesitating in the kitchen doorway; he hadn't left when I'd thought. It was only when I saw the clear drops sparkling in my hands that I realized I was crying. He walked quickly back to stand in front of me, ducking his head so that his eyes were closer to being on the same level with mine.
"Did it again, didn't I?"
"Did what?" I asked, my voice cracking.
"Broke my promise. Sorry."
"S'okay," I mumbled. "I started it this time."
I felt his arms wind around me, and I leaned against his chest, still sniffling. "This sucks," I said.
"Yeah."
new moon chapter eighteen
04 Meet Ze Monsta PJ Harvey
i'm not running
i'm not scared
big black monsoon
take me with you
i'm not jerking
i won't hide
yeah, I'm ready
meet the monster tonight
"Well, the wolf's out of the bag now," Embry sighed. "Way to go, Jake."
I turned to stare at him-my eyes felt frozen, like I couldn't even blink them.
The boy seemed to be laughing at my expression. "Maybe you'd better drive. She looks like she might hurl."
"I bet she's tougher than that. She runs with vampires."
new moon chapter fourteen
05 Teenager Deftones
i climbed your arms
then you pulled away
a new cavity moved into
my heart today
the more she sings
the more i scream
the more it seems
that now i'm through
Maybe it's not as strong as what she felt for the vampire, but it has to mean something that neither of you is whole without the other. It seems like you are meant to be with her.
"being jacob black"
06 Little Red Riding Hood Sam the Sham and the Pharaohs
hey there, little red riding hood
i don't think little big girls should
go walking in these spooky old woods alone
little red riding hood
i'd like to hold you if i could
but you might think i'm a big bad wolf so i won't
i'll try to be satisfied
just to walk close by your side
Bella picked this one after Jacob mentioned it was good-X-Men 2. She's learned by now that he'll probably always agree to do anything she wants to do, but she figured she might as well use the opportunity if he'll actually like watching something she can handle.
Or thought she could handle. Not even realizing she's doing it, she crosses her arms and grumbles a lot during a few less action-oriented scenes. Then-oh, great. They're kissing. What kind of a "guy movie" is this, as Quil commented that it is on his way out of Jake's house when he saw what they were going to watch?
"What is he doing?" she demands in anger that is a little excessive; from the other side of the couch where he's sitting with his long legs stretched out and resting on the table, Jacob laughs lightly. "He can't just kiss her like that! I thought she was with the other guy-with the glasses!"
He laughs more. "She doesn't look like she minds too much. And come on. Don't tell me you'd pick Cyclops over Wolverine."
Bella makes a noise of disgust. "Please. At least he's a gentleman. Wolverine is so...uncivilized."
He is laughing as much as ever, grinning widely. She doesn't realize it, but he is happy about how naturally and lightly she's able to talk about such a thing at the moment. "Is that so?" he asks skeptically. "I took you for the type to go for more of a scoundrel."
"Me? Why?" she asks in an almost offended tone.
He looks at her like she is missing something quite obvious. "Well, you're not exactly the most old-fashioned and ladylike girl, are you? Getting motorbike riding lessons in secret?"
She looks down, appearing to feel defeated. She seems to be mildly irritated by the topic, but not quite realizing what they might really be talking about enough to lose her casual composure. "Hmph," she just says defiantly to the TV screen.
07 Sullen Girl Fiona Apple
days like this
i don't know what to do with myself
and there's too much going on
but it's calm under the waves
in the blue of my oblivion
is that why they call me a sullen girl
they don't know i used to sail
the deep and tranquil sea
but he washed me shore and he took my pearl
and left an empty shell of me
How could I explain it so he would understand? I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house. He deserved better than that. No amount of investment on his part could put me back in working order.
new moon chapter nine
08 Fake Palindromes Andrew Bird
my dewy-eyed disney bride, what has tried
swapping your blood with formaldehyde?
monsters?
what monsters that talk
monsters that walk the earth
and she says i like long walks and sci-fi movies
some lonely night we can get together
and she's got knee high socks what to cover a bruise
she's got an old death kit she's been meaning to use
she's got blood in her eyes, in her eyes for you
It doesn't take long for Jacob to figure out that Bella doesn't like to watch romantic films. They sit at his house or in movie theatres watching the most brutal and horrific movies, ones with zombies getting dismembered or aliens clawing into people's flesh or diseased dogs with red eyes snapping their sharp teeth, ones that always end with the screen filled with blood like an abstract painting with red paint thrown aimlessly all over the canvas, and she never even flinches. Only once during a movie has she ever gasped and covered her eyes with her hands, impulsively leaning her head into his chest to hide it further, and then recovered quickly to look up at his amused, smirking face and explain apologetically, "I don't like needles."
But if a couple starts kissing in a movie they're watching, or even holding hands or grabbing onto each other in fear, he's noticed she will suddenly become even more detached from the watching experience than she usually always is, looking down absently like she can't handle seeing it. Sometimes she'll even start to uncomfortably squirm in her seat a little like she feels like she's going to be sick.
It's just strange to him, now that he knows everything. That freak boyfriend of hers was just like a creature out of the kind of movies she has a taste for now. Yet none of the scenes of people getting attacked by them hit close to home. It's nothing about the Cullens' monstrous nature that scares her. It's love and intimacy that she's learned to be afraid of. Sometimes when she reacts like that to a movie they're watching together, he feels an impulsive, strangely protective need to do something - put his arm around her or take her hand securely, somehow convey the words I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. For what it's worth.
But then he always realizes his complete helplessness. It does no good to help a bruise heal by putting more pressure on the same place.
09 3 Libras A Perfect Circle
difficult not to feel a little bit
disappointed and passed over
when i look right through
see you naked but oblivious
here i am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded
but i see, see through it all
see through and see you
Of course you realize that you're falling in love with her. You also know that she's not ready, and she doesn't think of you that way. You know how to be patient, though, and you keep your fingers crossed that someday she'll look at you differently.
"being jacob black"
10 Somersault Zero 7
you're the warmth in my summer breeze
you're the ivory to my ebony key
you're obsessed with hiding the sticks and stones
when i fear the unknown
you feel like home, you feel like home
you put my feet back on the ground
did you know you brought me round
you were sweet and you were sound
you saved me
see i had shrunk yet still you wore me around
and around and around
On February 16th the weather is getting to be a little warmer and the Newtons' store is noticeably busier today. During Bella's lunch break, Mrs. Newton and another employee named Holly are in the break room with her drinking coffee and flipping through magazines. By now most people who work there have gotten used to Bella never having much to say anymore; they just about ignore her presence as she sits spinning the cap from her soda bottle on the tabletop.
"Did you and Derek do anything special for Valentine's Day, Holly?" Mrs. Newton asks.
Holly is in the middle of yawning boredly. "Not really," she answers after a moment. "We were both kind of busy. He gave me some flowers, though."
"That's nice. Andy and I tried to do something nice . . ."
As Mrs. Newton now starts telling Holly about a bad experience she and her husband had driving out of town to eat at some fancy Japanese place, Bella remembers Jacob handing her the little pink box of conversation hearts. It made her a little uncomfortable at the time, but now she thinks of it and feels grateful for how easy instead of awkward Jacob somehow manages to make everything. "What exactly does that entail?" "The usual - slave for life, that kind of thing." It suddenly seems a lot more silly to her than it did at the time, and without her fully realizing it, the corners of her lips tug up into a tiny, uncontrollable smile for a moment as she remembers it.
Jacob takes everything so lightly that sometimes he reminds her of a little kid. It makes the world feel like a safe place again rather than a dark and serious one. Somehow, at some point, the sound of Edward's voice humming her lullaby in the dark at night has been replaced with the chipper sound of Jacob casually whistling in the daytime as she's gotten used to him habitually doing all the time when she's with him. It's a very different kind of pleasing and comforting sound, like the chirping of birds outside as the sun is rising.
11 Pitseleh Elliott Smith
i'll tell you why i
don't want to know where you are
i got a joke i've been dying to tell you
i'm not what's missing from your life now
i could never be the puzzle pieces
the first time i saw you
i knew it would never last
and i was bad news for you just because
i never meant to hurt you
A lot has changed since she was seventeen and unscathed, laughing at the things he said then in a way that made him feel ten times bigger than he knew he was and asking him to tell her scary stories. He keeps remembering her face that day now, thinking. How much did she already know?
Sam was able to tell Emily everything. More like he couldn't not tell her. He wonders, if he could just see Bella, if he was to imprint on her, if that bond would be strong enough to break the restraint of Sam's order...
Walking down the beach by himself, he shakes his head a little as if to jerk that thought out of his head. It may take a miracle to free her from the hold that's on her too, the claim that repulsive leech still has on her, but it won't make him feel better to imagine such an easy solution. That's when he sees the driftwood he and Bella were sitting on that day, where they always sit now, and in a surge of anger and frustration he imagines it burning up in a brilliant blue fire. She already knows everything. The memory of when he told her all of that is as clear to him as if it happened yesterday. Maybe not so much to her, he thinks feeling a faint sting.
Who is he kidding? He knows who his enemies are now-who they're supposed to be. She may not want to know the truth anyway. She may not be able to accept it that easily. Some bonds between people cannot endure anything like true love's kiss breaking a spell in a fairy tale or something. And between the ties she still has to the vampires and her ties to his world, he knows which bond is the strongest and more powerful.
But he keeps thinking of that memory, the instantaneous feeling that they could understand each other, the neat and orderly snapping together of two attracted magnets. Nothing magical about it, yet somehow still so strong. And he keeps thinking of how there are, after all, many varying kinds of bonds between people, a vast spectrum of different colors of feelings, different kinds of fire.
12 Purple Rain Stina Nordenstam
never meant to cause you any sorrow
never meant to cause you any pain
only wanted to one time see you laughing
never wanted to be your weekend lover
only wanted to be some kind of friend
i could never steal you from another
it's such a shame our friendship had to end
"Go home, Bella. I can't hang out with you anymore."
The silly, inconsequential hurt was incredibly potent. The tears welled up again. "Are you...breaking up with me?" The words were all wrong, but they were the best way I could think to phrase what I was asking.
He barked out a bitter laugh. "Hardly. If that were the case, I'd say 'Let's say friends.' I can't even say that."
new moon chapter eleven
13 Martha My Dear The Beatles
please remember me
hold your head up you silly girl
look what you've done
when you find yourself in the thick of it
help yourself to a bit of what is all around you
take a good look around you
you're bound to see that you and me
were meant to be for each other
silly girl
"Why does it matter to you if something happens to me?" he asked gruffly.
"Don't say that. You know how much you mean to me. You're my best friend. At least, you used to be. And still sometimes are...when you let your guard down."
He smiled that old smile that I loved. "I'm always that," he promised. "Underneath, I'm always in there."
"I know. Why else would I put up with all of your crap?"
He laughed with me, and then his eyes were sad. "When are you going to figure out that you're in love with me, too?"
"Leave it to you to ruin the moment."
eclipse chapter twenty one
14 Grow Old With Me The Postal Service
grow old along with me
the best is yet to be
when our time has come
we will be as one
face the setting sun
when the day is done
spending our lives together
man and wife together
world without end
grow old along with me
For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-wet eyes. I could see years passing, and meaning something as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, always standing as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of two small, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they took the rest of the vision with them.
eclipse chapter twenty three
15 Holland Sufjan Stevens
all the time we spent in bed
counting miles before we set
fall in love and fall apart
things will end before they start
lose our clothes in summer time
lose ourselves to lose our minds
in the summer heat, i might
Bella has made her decision, but she knows she will always look back on that time that it seemed like her and Jacob Black were the only two people in the world and feel a painful yearning for where it all could have headed-no, would have, as he said. The time when every morning she would wake up and it was only thinking of his face, that smile, that made it worth getting out of bed.
Everything was so perfectly normal. She sees now it was exactly the typical, unexciting way two teenagers end up falling for each other. Riding around in cars together, sitting in a garage eating junk food, going to bad movies, walking around hiking trails or beaches just to talk and maybe get lost - why not? It seems now that time was endless and unlimited then, even though it was the epitome of a normal and mortal existence. Just two high school kids spending their time leisurely talking about nothing, getting themselves into trouble, and slowly falling in love because there's nothing better or more important to do. It was perfect and she didn't even know it. She wants it back to do it again, to realize what she has this time, even though she knows she can't want that if she's made this choice.
She wants to live it again and this time forget that a life like that is not all there is out there for her. She wants to watch the horror movies not knowing there are any real monsters. She wants to go through it again as a whole person who never felt the needle and the drug in her veins, as someone who needs nothing more than air.
No, she thinks. She knows she doesn't really want it. She can't. But she wants so badly to want it that it may make no difference.
16 I Turn My Camera On Rock Kills Kid
i turn my camera on
and i cut my fingers on the way
you hit me like a ton
when I turn my feelings on
i saw them stars go off
i saw them stars off at night
you hit me like a ton
i don't know where it's from
and you, you weren't so polite
"It is my fault. I'm so sick of being told it's not."
He grinned. It didn't touch his eyes. "You want me to haul you over the hot coals?"
"Actually...I think I do."
A smile flashed across his face briefly, and then he twisted his expression into a fierce scowl.
"Kissing me back like that was inexcusable." He spit the words at me. "If you knew you were just going to take it back, maybe you shouldn't have been quite so convincing about it."
eclipse chapter twenty six
17 9 Crimes Damien Rice with Lisa Hannigan
leave me out with the waste
this is not what i do
it's the wrong kind of place
to be thinking of you
it's the wrong time
for somebody new
it's a small crime
and i've got no excuse
is that alright?
give my gun away when it's loaded
if you don't shoot it,
how am i supposed to hold it
is that alright with you
"I'm not stupid enough to make the same mistake I made before," Edward said. "I won't try to force her into that first option again. As long as she wants me, I'm here."
"And if she were to decide that she wanted me?" Jacob challenged. "Okay, it's a long shot, I'll give you that."
"I would let her go."
eclipse chapter twenty two
18 Intuition Feist
a destination known only by the one
whose fate is overgrown
piecemeal could break your home in half
a love is not complete with only heat
and in came a heatwave
and you chose poetry over prose
a map is more unreal than where you've been
or how you feel
and it's impossible to tell
how important someone was
and what he might have missed out on
and how he might have changed it all for you
and did i, did i, did i
did i miss out on you
Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of me now.
eclipse chapter twenty seven
19 Sleep The Dandy Warhols
well i could sleep forever
but it's of her i dream
if i could sleep forever
i could forget about everything
if i could sleep forever
if i could sleep forever
if i could sleep forever
If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn't be the first one to choose this form over the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again....
I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.
eclipse epilogue
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