Fic: Three Evils (Embodied in Love and Shadow) - Katie, Naomi/Emily
The following morning seemed like a blur. Katie figured that she must have gotten to sleep around 3am, her attempts to just stop fucking thinking proving fruitless until she’d managed to think about buying some new shoes, possibly ones that would enable her to run away from rock-wielding mentalists, but still look fierce.
She put a firm block on the part of her mind that wanted to remember shoving Effy, spitting in her face. None of that happened because Katie had been left unconscious and bleeding and alone. And that was that.
Emily was already making tea when Katie made it downstairs after showering, and she mumbled a few words of comfort whilst sliding some scrambled eggs in front of Katie.
Her sister was just kind of making the whole thing sound like a job interview, like she was supposed to be impressing Effy today or something, which was, come on, beyond ridiculous.
But, whatever. It was easier to let Emily feel like she was helping than to start an argument with someone who was actually on her side.
Katie left to get the bus around 10am, not looking back as she felt Emily looking on from their bedroom window, phone in hand ready to call Naomi. She smiled somewhat cruelly as she thought of Emily, watching her hopefully, like a proud mother, sending her child off to school by herself for the first time.
She realised, as the bus pulled up, that she hadn’t actually told her mum about this. Mainly because if she knew then she’d have the police right round to Effy’s and... oh. Perhaps not the worst idea in the world but then... then Effy might tell about the thing that never happened. So, this seemed like the best way, really, to deal with it. Make sure Effy wasn’t about to open her stupid slut mouth and go blabbing, making Katie look like the villain when, all along, she’d only ever been the victim.
****
It startled her, then, when Effy was already waiting when she got to the cafe. It wasn’t the same one that she’d met Naomi in, back when she’d wanted to drag Naomi down with her, but she wondered as she watched Effy staring down into her coffee how Naomi must have felt as she saw who she thought was Emily but was really Katie.
Part of Katie wished that what she was seeing was an Effy imposter. If only.
Effy looked up as she saw the door open and Katie merely glanced in her direction as she went straight to the counter and ordered a mocha, relieved to find her hands only mildly shaking as she carried it back to the table.
They studied each other silently, Katie trying and failing to read Effy’s fixed expression. Words it was, then.
“So.” Katie started, raising an eyebrow.
“So,” Effy said after a moment. “You look better, Katie.”
“I should fucking think so. I hear that blood loss isn’t exactly, like, good for your complexion.” She managed to keep her voice low but refused to let her head drop, maintaining eye contact with Effy for as long as she could stomach.
“Katie, you fucking knew that I was tripping. I didn’t know what I was doing.” It was just unsettling, how Effy could talk about this fucked up thing that had happened with all the emotion of telling a stranger the time. But then they were strangers, really.
“Right,” Katie snorted, giving herself a break from attempting to analyse Effy’s face by dipping her head to blow onto her coffee. “Bit blurry, is it?”
“Yes.” Then silence. “Katie, I am sorry. For it all. I never meant to hurt you.”
“You seemed to do a pretty fucking good job of it, for an accident.”
Effy stiffened; only for a second, but Katie caught it. Good. Let her be fucking uncomfortable.
“But that’s just what it was - an accident. I couldn’t breathe, Katie; I just needed you to get off me.”
So there it was. They were going to talk about it. Properly. Katie had no idea why she wasn’t already out of the door, back on the bus, on her way home to tell Emily just how much of a mistake this had all been. But she wasn’t. So they were going to talk.
“And you thought that would be the best way to do it, did you? Smashing my fucking head in with the nearest available object?”
“There wasn’t much thinking involved. Just reacting.”
“Right. And fucking Freddie right after, that was an accidental reaction as well, was it?”
In front of her, Effy wavered long enough for Katie to take in just how tired she looked, how beaten. It was an Effy she hadn’t seen before. She hated herself for feeling bad for her then, but fuck it, if anyone deserved to feel a bit shit about themselves it was Effy.
“Yes.”
It enraged Katie then, that Effy could trivialise the whole thing so easily. So, fucking Freddie had been an accident. It was all a big fucking accident, wasn’t it?
Effy still didn’t know what the point of any of this was, this meeting, any more than Katie did herself. Clearly, if Katie had thought she was going to find any resolution here then she was wrong.
“Right then, thanks for explaining. I think that puts those nine stitches right in perspective. Cheers.”
Katie stood, leaving her coffee untouched, and was outside before Effy could even stand. She moved quickly, away towards the bus stop, away from Effy. The wind had picked up since she entered the cafe and it whipped around her face. It was decidedly chilling, even when it was supposed to be summer. She felt the cold increase as Effy’s fingers encircled her wrist.
She spun around, shaking it from her grasp. She remembered it, the sensation of Effy’s hands around her wrists, fighting with her pathetically, uselessly. It was all useless, really.
“What? What do you fucking want Effy?” she shouted, her words shrill. She’d never felt nor sounded so much like a crazy person while Effy stood fast and spoke calmly.
“I want you to forgive me," she said, unblinking. Katie laughed at her, bewildered, and shook her head as Effy continued. “And I’ll forgive you, too.”
Katie nearly punched her then, saw in her mind her fist swing forward, connecting with the bottom of Effy’s jaw. Instead, Katie just dug her fingernails into her own palms.
“You’ve got to be fucking joking, yeah? Why the fuck would I need you to forgive me, you cunt. You fucking... you fucking left me there to die and then fucked my boyfriend, remember?”
“I didn’t know, Katie. I fucked up, it was all wrong. But, we’re different now, aren’t we? It’s changed us both. I think that you know.”
It was behind her eyes, that feeling, that headache. The panic. She did know. And Effy just put them both in this together. Perhaps Effy was right. But she didn’t need to know that.
“All I know is that I owe you nothing. We don’t need to do this again. Just fuck off, Effy. And keep your fucking mouth shut, yeah? It’s because of me you’re not rotting away in some kind of home for, like, juvenile delinquents or whatever. Just, leave us alone.“
And then she did leave. And she didn’t look back to see if Effy was following.
It wasn’t until she was back on the bus that she wondered to which us she had been referring.
****
“How was it?” Emily had asked from over the top of her book when Katie returned home, flushed from the cold, and the anger, probably.
“Fine,” Katie replied blandly before taking the stairs two at a time and perching on the edge of her bed, Effy’s words swilling violently around inside her head. They were different now. But it didn’t mean that Effy knew her.
It didn’t mean that Effy knew anything at all.
****
Fairly confident that Effy wouldn’t say anything after all this time, especially after she’d received no threat from her of doing anything of the sort, Katie started to relax.
Emily had come up to their room, looking apprehensive, and they’d talked about it. Katie relayed the parts that she felt were relevant and nothing more was said. Thankfully, sometimes, Emily just understood when Katie wasn’t ready to talk. Just kissed her on the head and told her of the evening’s pub plans.
Naomi, on the other hand, seemed to know when Katie was ready and later, as Emily played pool with JJ, she took the opportunity to exercise that intuition.
“It doesn’t bother you, then?” Katie asked, sipping a pear cider. Naomi diverted her gaze from them then, turning to Katie with a “Hmm?” as Emily fucked up yet another shot. Katie saw JJ laugh and spend far too long lining up his next one, probably agonizing over angles and probability and fuck knows what else, but Naomi had already turned away.
“Them two. Being all... friendly or whatever.” Naomi smiled at Katie’s grimace. She was smiling so much lately, Katie had thought, that it almost didn’t suit her. Almost, anyway.
“Nah. Despite your best efforts, I don’t really give a fuck. We talked about it. It helped.”
Katie shook her head. She didn’t think that she’d ever be able to shake it off, if someone had slept with someone she was supposed to be with. And then she remembered that she hadn’t, not at all.
“If you think so.”
“So, I take it your little chat with our resident fugitive didn’t go that well, then?” Naomi raised her eyebrows as she took an altogether too big gulp of her own cider. Fucking hell, if she was going to drink a bloke’s drink she could at least do it like a girl. Idiot.
“Resident fugitive?” Katie asked, eyebrow quirked. “That doesn’t even make sense, you retard.”
Laughing, Naomi bowed her head. “Fair enough. Call her what you want. But, still, the question remains...”
Katie tapped her fingernails against the glass, watching the bubbles rise to the top and burst as they hit the air.
“It was fine.”
“Yes, I’ve heard that version.” Naomi said, not unkindly.
A loud “Yes!” from Emily caused them both to look around, followed by an “Oh, balls” from JJ.
“Pot one babe?” Naomi asked as Emily nodded, looking at the table triumphantly.
“Her second, actually,” JJ added proudly. Naomi saved her sneer until she turned back to her pint.
Katie laughed. “’Don’t give a fuck’ my arse.”
“Yeah, well,” Naomi said between gulps. “I’m trying, all right?”
“Right,” Katie smiled. She liked it that she wasn’t the only one - the one who hid things. It was better that way, sometimes. To keep things to yourself.
“So?” Naomi brought them back to the point. If there ever was a fucking point to anything.
“So,” Katie sighed. “It was shit. She, like, she apologised, yeah? But, I don’t know.”
“You didn’t accept it, then?”
Katie didn’t know what to say to that. Just shook her head, looked away.
“It’s all right, if you don’t ever, you know? But, it might be better if you do.”
“Have you forgiven me?” Katie asked before she could stop herself. All the worst things came out before she could take a minute to think about them. She didn’t realise until then that she even wanted Naomi’s forgiveness. But, she supposed, having said it, that she did.
Naomi’s silence was enough for her to need to look back up. Her eyes said it all. She was shocked, like, when did Katie say things like that? But, also, kind of sad. Relieved, maybe.
“Well,” Naomi said, raising her pint to her mouth, shaking herself of whatever thought she was thinking, winking as she did it. “Things seem all right now, don’t they?”
Katie nodded even as she acknowledged that things were not even nearly all right. Not in the slightest.
****
Effy didn’t text or ring again. Katie’s relief was palpable, but gave way to a feeling of uncertainty. A kind of awareness that it wasn’t the end. That Effy wasn’t gone, not any more. That at any moment she could just be there. Looking at Katie. Knowing far too much and yet still knowing nothing at all.
****
The days dragged as summer never really reared its head. On the odd occasion that it did, Katie would lie in the garden, listening to her i-Pod and trying her hardest to think of nothing at all.
It had always been easy before, just chilling, thinking about when she’d next see Danny, or which earrings she was going to wear with her new dress, or who was bringing the gear to the next party. It wasn’t like that stuff had totally fallen out of her brain, it was all still there. Apart from Danny, obviously, but then there’d always been a Danny - someone to occupy her mind. They always overlapped slightly, or all least followed on quickly, one after the other. Katie never had to pine or gaze wistfully at anyone across the room. Not like other girls did. Not like Emily.
The garden was starting to look a bit overgrown without Emily to tend to it. She only ever turned up when she was summoned by the parents, or when Naomi had pissed her off and, those times, Emily dug into the soil so violently that she’d spend half her time re-planting what she’d accidentally dug up. It didn’t happen often, but when it did, Katie got angry. Not because, like, she still thought that Naomi was unworthy or that she was hurting Emily, but because it looked like they were ruining something that seemed so perfect.
Katie almost laughed at herself when she thought it, but then she remembered Naomi. The way she looked at Emily was like, like she actually did love her. Like whatever shit they’d been through to get where they were had been worth it. But Katie knew that nothing was ever perfect, not really.
It wasn’t even that sunny, one day, as she lay on a blanket kicking her heels to the beat. She felt something hit her stomach and pulled out her headphones rather violently as she noticed James standing over her holding a handful of small stones, a curious look on his face.
“What the fuck, you shit?” She pushed herself up on her elbows, ripping off her sunglasses. She expected him to flinch, but he didn’t even.
“Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” James asked, tilting his head to one side. Before Katie could respond, he continued. “I mean, you always used to have a boyfriend, and now Emily’s off giving Naomi one, who’s proper fit actually, and you’re just here. Like, all the time. Why?”
Katie gritted her teeth. “It’s got fuck all to do with you James. But, FYI, I don’t always need to have a boyfriend.”
“Is that why you look so miserable all the time? I mean, I know you got hurt, and I do feel bad about that... I was worried,” he looked sad for a moment. Katie almost felt like giving him a break, but then he just didn’t help himself, ever. “Is that why? Does no one want to go out with you now you’ve got a big scar on your head?”
Sorely tempted to punch him in the bollocks - he was at the right height, after all - Katie just felt herself colour.
“James, if you don’t fuck off immediately I’m going to make sure Emily finds out that you’ve been watching Naomi in the shower.”
That got him. He looked like he was about to combust with fear. It was a guess, but it wasn’t a complete surprise that he actually had been spying on her. Jesus. At least it didn’t mean he just wanted to look at his sisters naked, which had always been nothing less than a thousand degrees of what the FUCK?
“Fine,” he said, flustered. “I was just asking, though, ‘cos you seem weird.” And then, quickly, before running away. “Please don’t tell her!”
She shook her head, laying back down. Maybe she should tell Naomi. It wasn’t entirely fair after all, that she was being perved on. Not by yet another Fitch, anyway.
Wondering when James had had the chance to catch Naomi in the shower, Katie lay back down. It was entirely by accident, the image she conjured up in her head. It was probably, really, because imagining Naomi without clothes on could only make her less awful than Naomi in horrendous clothes, and she’d never seen her in anything but.
She’d never looked through the keyhole, but she imagined that what James could see would be revealing enough. Mostly pale legs, stepping into the shower, maybe not much else. Though perhaps a bit higher up, like, from behind. Water would be trickling slowly over her, as her hands ran across her skin.
Katie scrunched her brow together. Fucking hell. She decided she needed to fuck someone because this was just silly now. She figured it could only help what was turning out to be a rather fucking helpless situation.
****
It wasn’t hard, to get people together for a night out. They invited Freddie, who kind of thought he should maybe not come because Effy clearly wasn’t invited and, whatever, because Katie could definitely live without his company. And though Thomas, Panda and JJ were pretty much just Emily’s friends (she was pretty sure that Naomi wasn’t that keen on any of them either), for this kind of evening it was the more the fucking merrier.
Or, at least, it meant she wasn’t just tagging along with Emily and Naomi for the first time in a while.
She had two shots of vodka upon entry and sauntered onto the dance floor with an alcopop, leaving everyone else still queuing for their drinks. At least having her tits noticed by the barman had its advantages.
There were blokes everywhere, and they all seemed fine. She danced with a few, let them grind up against her as they felt the music. Katie tried to ignore the feeling of panic that began to brew up inside of her as the crowd moved around her, tried to remember the purpose of her evening.
One guy, tall and dark, eyes glazed, bought her a drink, which Katie accepted with a wink. It was fine, she thought - easier than she had anticipated. He danced closer after that, hands on her hips. She just about managed to get her hands around his neck, but that was familiar to Katie, being altogether too short to go out with tall blokes yet seeming to attract them anyway.
It meant that he really had to dip his head to kiss her, his mouth open and all too wet. It was how she was used to being kissed, with all the finesse of an excited Labrador, and she accepted it.
Freddie, conversely, had been a little nicer to kiss. Partially, Katie thought, due to his usual state of dry mouth, which wouldn’t usually be a plus point but it was good in comparison. It meant that tongues were essential, which was fine. Katie had found that all boys generally kissed the same so it was the way that she knew to kiss back.
His hands (she didn’t know his name, wasn’t sure she wanted to) reached down and grabbed her arse, pulling her in closer so she could feel something hard pressed up against her. It was almost a shock, really. It had been a while since she’d felt something like that, that thing that meant she was doing a good job of being Katie, that all the effort she had put in was working. All the same, she had to keep from jumping back, putting some distance between her and it.
He bought her more drinks and they danced and snogged some more. And, it was nice, and she wanted it - he was a temporary solution to whatever problem she was having. Knowing that she could easily walk away from him without caring that she’d left him hanging made it easier to know what to do next.
Katie didn’t see anyone until they were on their way out, hand in hand and heading back to his place, wherever that was.
Naomi was standing, her back to a wall and a drink in her hand. She swilled it around, Katie saw, as Emily talked animatedly with Pandora. Naomi looked massively bored, and Katie had to fight back the feeling to ditch this guy and go to her. It would have been ridiculous, though, to just abandon the opportunity for sex (with, actually, quite a fit lad) just to see if her sister’s girlfriend was okay, for fuck’s sake. It didn’t matter that this guy did hold her hand a bit too tight, or that his shoes were scuffed and his stubble was rough on her face. That was just what boys were like and it was what Katie liked, obviously.
She needn’t have worried, though, because after a moment Emily reached out with the hand that she wasn’t waving about in the air to take hold of Naomi’s, who then instantly relaxed, smiled, and was dragged into the conversation and away from the wall.
As Katie passed her, Naomi managed to look up and catch Katie’s eye. She couldn’t be sure but it kind of looked like, when Naomi clocked Katie’s hand attached to some bloke she’d never seen before, she frowned. Whatever the look was, Katie didn’t want to think about it, so she smiled (she hoped it came off as smug, rather than forced) and waved with her fingers. Naomi slowly held up the hand that wasn’t in Emily’s and offered the world’s feeblest wave. Katie only dropped her smile when she looked away.
In the cab, as she took out her phone to text Emily to get her to cover for them later, tell their mum whatever, they were both at Panda’s or something, she already had a message from Naomi.
The feeling of the guy’s (Mike, as he’d introduced himself outside) hand creeping further up her thigh and under her skirt sat wrong with Katie as she read words from Naomi, asking where she was going and if she was all right.
Katie wanted to feel pissed off with her for fucking sticking her nose in, for thinking that Katie couldn’t handle herself, or that she wasn’t allowed to just fucking have some fun. But she didn’t. Instead, she felt her skin tighten around her bones and hold her in, trapping her and her breath along with it.
The only thing she could do, then, to shake it away was to turn and kiss him so she forgot about whatever she was thinking.
She didn’t reply to Naomi, text Emily instead like she had intended. She felt horrible, like it was a betrayal of sorts. But then Naomi wasn’t hers to betray so she just shouldn’t.
****
When Katie came with his head between her legs (at least that tongue was good for something) she tried to tell herself that she didn’t see blue, piercing eyes looking back at her sadly, questioning always.
She tried, and she failed.
****
It had been a late night so when Katie slipped away sometime around 9am he was still asleep. Katie hadn’t slept. She just lay as close to the edge of the bed as she could manage, her arms wrapped around herself and lip held firmly between her teeth to keep from crying.
For some reason, probably the alcohol, it hadn’t occurred to Katie the night before that she had never had a one night stand before. The need had never arisen, what with always having a boyfriend, and now she’d had one she felt dirty. People did it all the fucking time though, didn’t they? And Katie had just needed something, just to remember what it was like to be wanted. Just for the night.
It was at the back of her mind, though, what she’d been thinking throughout. Totally against her will but impossible to stop, she knew it now. The more she allowed herself to think about it, as the sun decided to make an appearance, somehow tainting the day with a glow that Katie felt undeserving of, the closer to the front of her brain the thought ventured.
She wouldn’t give it a name. It didn’t deserve one because it was fucking stupid, was what it was. Stupid and irrational and wrong. Just wrong all over.
Fumbling with shaky hands for her keys, Katie jumped as the door opened before she could reach it.
The fact that her first thought was ‘Lovely’ as Naomi stepped out of their house, packet of fags in hand, threw Katie totally off balance. Naomi didn’t see her at first as she pulled the door to before stepping onto the drive. It gave Katie the welcome opportunity to steady herself.
When Naomi turned to her the remnants of a smile disappeared, replaced with something Katie couldn’t quite pinpoint.
“Oh, hi,” Naomi offered. Surprise, yes, Katie detected, but something else too. Was she angry?
“Hi.”
Naomi turned the pack over in her hands but didn’t take one out. “Good night?” She was angry. Why? Because Katie didn’t text her back? Whatever the reason, Katie was not in the mood.
“Yes, thanks. It was lovely.” She wasn’t sure why she found sarcasm necessary but she didn’t feel the need to divulge what actually happened, least of all to Naomi. Naomi, who currently needed to fuck off entirely, decided to make an already bad situation worse by puffing out a laugh and shaking her head. Katie could have sworn there was an eye roll in there somewhere too.
“Look,” Katie snapped, trying to keep her voice low. “What’s your fucking problem? Emily knew where I was.”
“Did you?” Naomi fired back, not bothering to hide whatever problem she had now. She set her jaw and levelled Katie with a daring gaze.
“What? Of course I fucking did, you twat. I wasn’t completely out of it,” Katie crossed her arms over her stomach. She was a bit hungover, and sore, and really just needed a shower.
Naomi did roll her eyes then, and shook a cigarette out of the packet. Katie watched as she put it between her lips. Free from gloss or anything, they were still pink. It was distracting, Naomi just lighting a fucking cigarette. She almost forgot that they were arguing about anything at all.
“Fine. Glad you had fun then.”
Not that it was completely out of character for Naomi to behave like a complete and utter cunt, it just wasn’t the way she’d been of late. Katie didn’t like it. She stepped closer to Naomi as she spoke so that Naomi had to turn her head to the side to exhale to keep from blowing smoke right into Katie’s face.
“Look, I don’t know what your fucking problem is, but-“
“My problem? Oh, I’m not the one with the problem, Katie.”
Katie struggled to control her breathing but it was all too much for right now. She didn’t want a fight. Not when she hadn’t done a fucking thing to provoke it.
“Okay, well, when you decide to stop talking in, like, fucking riddles or something, why don’t you let me know what I’ve done to deserve you being such a bitch to me, yeah?”
And Katie sidestepped Naomi, leaving her outside before they could say anything else that didn’t make any sense to either of them.
****
It was days before they spoke again. It left an entirely uncomfortable feeling in Katie’s gut, like she’d swallowed something heavy and it was just sitting there, waiting for Katie to throw it up or rip it out.
Emily had been fine about the whole thing, interested even so it wasn’t coming from her, whatever Naomi’s problem was. While her sister wasn’t entirely happy about the idea of one night stands - her “I hope you were safe,” being met with a threatening look from Katie that made her shut her mouth immediately - she seemed happy enough that Katie had stopped moping around the house “looking a bit lost”.
Obviously, Emily was about as blind to Katie as Katie had been to Emily’s apparent burgeoning gayness. Katie had never felt worse, physical rock-induced pain notwithstanding, and felt even less inclined to do anything of use.
She should be used to Naomi being a twat. It was normal. Naomi was acting normally, really, while Katie was just - what? She just didn’t do this kind of feeling, like guilt or something. Not unless it involved Emily and then it was easy for Katie to justify based on Emily’s blatant disregard for reality, like the way her sister would look like she’d been immersed in love poetry since the age of about 12 and was thoroughly expecting her life to channel some of it.
Katie knew better than that. And she fucking hated poetry, anyway.
****
She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sat in the garden when Emily joined her. It was dark, so it must have been around 8pm. It was something Katie usually liked in the summer, the fact that the sun hung around a little longer than normal but, this summer, Katie wished that all of the nights could quicker swallow up the day so she could crawl into bed where it was safer. Better.
The thought that college was fast approaching was both a relief and a cause for concern for Katie. Too much had gone on for people not to know who she was, and whilst that would have been a welcome notion before, now they would be looking for the wrong reasons. But college would at least give Katie something else to focus on other that Effy, and Emily and...
Her sister sat too close but Katie didn’t move, enjoyed the brief warmth that her often absent other half provided. She was silent, though. It was weird.
“What the fuck’s wrong with you, then?” Katie said, watching Emily shove her hands further inside her sleeves.
“Can we go for a walk? I need a fag.”
Katie would have rolled her eyes if she thought it would help but usually when something was wrong with Emily it was something to do with Naomi, and Katie was more than a little keen to find out what was eating that twat. Figuratively speaking, obviously.
They were halfway down the street before Katie offered Emily the pack. Her breath was shaky when she exhaled.
“Well then?” Patience wasn’t one of Katie’s stronger virtues. It didn’t work well when it seemed that Emily wanted information to be dragged out from her. If people wanted to talk why didn’t they just fucking talk? Jesus.
“It’s Naomi,” Emily said, eyes on the ground.
“Oh, thank Christ for that. I thought there was something actually wrong with you.”
Emily snapped her head up, ready for a fight, but was met by a smirk from Katie.
“Bitch,” she muttered, nudging Katie’s shoulders.
“C’mon Ems; when is something not about Naomi? If she’s not being a monumental wanker then it’s out of character, yeah?”
“I know you think that but... she’s not. Not always.” Emily looked so broken that Katie couldn’t find it in her to take the piss anymore, not when she had seen that other side of Naomi herself, so she linked their arms together and gave a little squeeze.
“Okay then. But she is at the moment, yeah?”
Emily grunted and spoke through the side of her mouth as she blew the smoke away. “Something like that, yeah.”
At this stage, Katie was finding it rather fucking difficult to keep her mouth shut, or from shaking her sister until she actually got to the fucking point, already. But she remained silent, waiting for Emily to continue.
Luckily, it didn’t take too long. “Lately, like, just this week, she’s been a bit off. I don’t know why, just like... snappy and weird. And the sex -“
“Fuck’s sake Ems, I don’t need to fucking know about... just... ugh,” Katie cut her off, the words just this week going around in her head. This week, perhaps since...?
“Sorry. I just... I wanted to ask, actually.” Emily stopped and turned to face her sister. Oh no, Katie thought, she’s not going to - “Could you... I mean, you two are friends now and... do you think you could talk to her?”
Katie couldn’t help the laugh, even as she watched Emily’s expression grow sadder still. Fucking hell.
“Ems, even if I had the slightest fucking inclination to do that, what makes you think she’d want to talk to me rather than you?”
Emily shook her head and looked past Katie, towards something in the distance. Maybe there was an answer lurking in the bushes or something. Maybe Katie had just been looking in the wrong places all along.
“I don’t know. It just seems with you two, sometimes, that you get each other. In a way that I don’t get either of you. Or her, at least,” Emily sighed.
She looked defeated but Katie could barely concentrate on her. How could Emily go from knowing that they hated each other to thinking that they were fucking kindred spirits or something? What had they done?
Finishing her cigarette, Emily chucked it to the curb, not even waiting for it to go out before turning on her heel. “Just, forget it.” Katie heard her murmur as she left. Exasperated, and more than a little flustered, she chucked her own fag away and jogged to catch up with Emily.
“Ems... look,” she said, pulling Emily around gently. “I think you’re mental, obviously. But, if you want me to, like, talk to her then I’ll give it a go, all right?”
Brown eyes glistened right back at her in the darkness. She wondered how much of a favour she was really doing her sister. How much this conversation would tell either of them. Any of them. Emily just nodded and got out some chewing gum for both of them, followed by a quick spray around of some Impulse from her bag.
“Thanks, Kay,” she offered between chews.
Katie didn’t smile, but Emily didn’t notice. Katie wondered if people always knew they were going to make mistakes before they made them and, if this was going to be one of those times, then perhaps this time she should be the one to stop it from being made.
****
Emily had tried to force Katie to go round Naomi’s house but she flat-out refused. Katie cared but she didn’t care that much and, well, if Emily was under the ridiculous illusion that they were all friends now who could just casually drop by each other’s houses then she needed to snap out of it pretty fucking smartish.
It didn’t seem dire, yet, this whole situation. Emily wasn’t sobbing or anything, but perhaps she felt that she would try for the desperate measures before it reached that stage. It made a welcome change for Katie, in a way, to have their roles reversed again - Emily’s apathy towards anything other than whinging about Naomi managed to snap Katie back into something resembling her old self.
So, pro-active ‘get the fuck away from my sister’ Katie re-emerged for the evening out that Emily had arranged so it didn’t seem like she’d put it on them to talk.
Naomi barely acknowledged Katie when she met them in the queue. They seemed all right though - admittedly not quite as sickeningly loved-up as usual, but Katie could only see this as a positive thing.
They whispered, though, their heads close together as Emily ran her hand up and down the small of Naomi’s back.
“Fuck’s sake,” Katie muttered, scanning the rest of the queue as she diverted her gaze. She wished instantly that she’d kept her eyes forward as they found, towards the back of the queue, Effy and Freddie.
Katie froze, but Effy hadn’t seen her yet. She looked bored as Freddie talked at her, rolling a cigarette. He was smiling, stoned probably, happy, while Effy was somewhere else. Katie didn’t have much time to think about where exactly Effy was as she turned, almost like she could feel Katie watching, and locked their eyes together.
Katie’s jaw set. So, there she stood, between two people who currently hated her guts, for reasons she couldn’t quite ascertain, about to enter the club with intention of talking to one of them to make her sister feel better. Why she should bother trying to help someone else when the world so clearly did not want to help her in the slightest was beyond Katie.
She considered bolting, but then Effy would have won, and Emily would still be pouting. So fine; she would do this, and then she would get fucked up and then she wouldn’t care anymore. Sorted.
When she turned back to them, she could still feel Effy’s gaze on her back, like it was trying to burn right through. Well fuck her if she thought she was going to get anything out of Katie. Just, fuck her.
Naomi appeared to have taken a fucking chill pill or something in the last few minutes because she was smiling now. Emily shrugged at Katie as they passed the bouncer with ease (breasts doing their job again) and Katie had never wanted to get to the bar more quickly.
****
An opportunity failed to present itself until much later in the evening. It appeared to Katie that her services were no longer required anyway, as Naomi seemed to have pulled the stick out of her arse completely and was drinking and laughing along with Emily as if they were the only ones there. Fine, Katie tried to think. But she still didn’t know what Naomi’s problem was with her and so, when Naomi left Emily with a kiss and headed to the toilets, Katie followed.
It was busy in there, with girls leaning as far towards the mirrors as possible without getting their tops wet on the permanently leaking taps. Katie couldn’t wait until they were legally old enough to get into some slightly better clubs than this shit-hole.
Naomi was clearly a danger to herself and hadn’t noticed Katie follow. If it had been another evening, Katie might have smiled at the way Naomi stumbled slightly as she pushed open the door to the cubicle on the end, shaking her head at herself. But Katie was still pissed off and needed an explanation and so it was with a fair bit of force that she kept Naomi from shutting the door behind her and pushed herself in to join her.
“Katie, what the fuck - “
“Don’t you ‘what the fuck’ me, Naomi. You’re the one with some fucking explaining to do, yeah?”
There was no room for manoeuvre in the tiny cubicle; Katie could smell the cider on Naomi’s breath, could see Naomi trying to figure out what to do with her hands.
“Oh, and you thought this would be the best fucking way to do it did you, Katiekins? Attacking me in a toilet?” She was slurring a bit but her eyes were mean. Katie tried to remember what they looked like when they were smiling but couldn’t.
“Oh, I’m not attacking you. Not even fucking close. I would have thought that you’d have remembered what that felt like.”
“Maybe I’ve forgotten - some of us know when to move on, Katie.”
And then Katie slapped her.
It all moved so fast that Katie could barely figure out what was happening. One minute she was standing, hands on her hips, eyes blazing into Naomi’s and trying to fight down the urge to shove her backwards, the next her hand had just reached out, struck Naomi in the face.
She wasn’t shocked, not like last time. No, this time it almost seemed to Katie like she was glad of it, like she wanted Katie to hit her, which was ridiculous. It was like Katie just loaded the gun that was already aimed to destroy them both.
Naomi responded quickly, much quicker than Katie would have expected, and shoved Katie back against the door, the lock clanging loudly as the whole thing shook.
Katie heard someone in the background hoot at the sound, but she couldn’t really hear, not with Naomi standing in front of her looking like she was preparing for war. She’s going to ruin me was the last thing Katie thought before she lost her mind entirely and pulled Naomi forwards, smashing their lips together even as the force of both their bodies threatened to bring the door down.
It seemed like they both failed to react for almost a whole second before the rest of Katie's body reacted for her with an emphatic yessss and her hands reached up to tangle in Naomi’s hair, knotting her fingers in it and pulling her closer.
Naomi seemed to wake up then too and Katie felt her mouth move against her own, hands on either side of Katie's face, holding firmly but gently. Katie wanted to sink into them, let them hold her up as she felt lightheaded and weightless.
If Katie thought anything coherent it came through in singular words like soft but also hard and sweet and more.
But then, there was no more, and Naomi pulled away, lips open and swollen. There was panic in her eyes as Katie felt her skin get cold.
It was there, then. All there in Naomi’s eyes, as it always was. Katie’s didn’t know what hers were saying, only hoped that Naomi was too wrapped up in her own internal freak out to notice.
Naomi panicked then and reached for the door, fumbling with the catch even as Katie tried to flatten herself against one of the walls. She was too shocked to speak and, even if she felt she had the capacity to do so, what would she say? How could she speak again, ever, when she knew where her lips had been?
Before Naomi was all the way out, she reached out for Naomi’s wrist who flinched at the contact. She looked back at Katie with moisture in her eyes, pursing her lips too tightly together, and just shook her head once before slipping out of the door.
Naomi ran, and Katie let her.
****
Everything was a blur, then, as she leaned back against the wall until some gobby cow started pounding on the door to use the toilet. Katie couldn’t even muster up a glare as she pushed passed her.
Some part of her must have been aware of herself as she stopped to check face in the mirror; her lipstick was smudged, a dark purple both above and below her lips like a week-old bruise. She rubbed at it until all that remained were red marks, all too telling.
She had to get out of there.
Jostling her way through the crowded toilets Katie made it back into the club in enough time to see Emily tug on Naomi’s arm as she tried to leave, who only shook her head slowly as she turned back to her. Naomi said something as Emily nodded, pulling her into a hug that Naomi didn’t quite return before slipping away into the throng of people and towards the exit.
Katie watched her go, felt her stomach churn as she went.
It stopped churning altogether and twisted in on itself tightly as Katie looked away and into the eyes of Effy who was stood by the bar. Her gaze flickered in the direction of a swiftly retreating Naomi and then back to Katie, her expression changing from confusion to clarity in an instant.
It was all wrong. It was all wrong and broken and Effy had seen. Somehow, Effy just knew.
Chapter Four