Fic: The Crowing - Katie, Naomi/Emily
Regrets, Katie often thought, were things not worth having. It was fucking pointless worrying about the past, especially when it certainly must have made sense at the time to do whatever it was you did, otherwise you would never have done it.
There had been so many times when she’d made Emily cry, like if Katie left school without her to walk with her friends or if she blamed the mess in the bathroom on her (and, really, that was their mum’s fault as much as it was Katie’s for just believing the ridiculousness of it to begin with) and, yeah, okay, Katie felt bad but not enough to wish she hadn’t done it.
This time though, as Emily refused to even acknowledge her for the entire journey home, Katie wished more than anything that she could take it all back.
The worst thing was, though, that Emily didn’t even know why she had a right to ignore her sister. At least, not yet. And hopefully she wouldn’t ever.
****
There was a moment in time the night before where everything seemed to stand still and it felt to Katie like a decision had to be made. Effy was still watching kind of like the way a tiger watches its prey before pouncing, and Katie was all but bursting to strut on over and knock her teeth right out of her stupid mouth before she could become dinner. But she’d already hit one person tonight and, well, look how that turned out.
And Emily was just sort of standing, twisting her feet around like she was trying to remind them how to move. She still looked towards the exit that Naomi had gone through even though it had been at least a lifetime since she had left and Katie had been stunned into immobility.
Katie started to panic at what Naomi would have had to say to get Emily not to follow her. Her sister didn’t look like she was about to violently attack anyone so she figured that Naomi hadn’t told her what had happened, hadn’t told her that Katie had...
But, no. Not now. Not when Effy was so close and Emily was about to break. So, throwing a look at Effy that she sincerely hoped said either Stay the fuck away or, at least, Later, Katie threaded her way through the merrily bouncing people towards her sister.
Emily was a million miles away when Katie put her hand on her shoulder and said shakily:
“Ems?”
Emily slowly turned towards her and Katie recoiled. She hadn’t realised that she had expected Emily to be crying and was taken aback when all she saw was infuriation.
“What did you do?” Emily said, too quietly. Katie heard but wished that she hadn’t.
“What?” She said, though it was just above a whisper. Surely, surely Naomi hadn’t fucking told her, and then fucked off. Katie knew that couldn’t be true but felt a fresh sheen of sweat break out across her forehead at the thought that she might have done.
“You were supposed to fucking... to fucking make this better, Katie. Not make it worse. She was fucking fine before she went to the loo, and then she comes out and says she feels sick and needs to go home. What the fuck, Katie?”
Emily was properly angry, like on the verge of lashing out almost, but Katie was too busy trying to block out the hammering sound in her chest. It was a horrible kind of relief, knowing that Naomi had covered for her, for them. That Naomi had only told a half-truth; if Katie’s own stomach was anything to go by then she could imagine that Naomi felt pretty devastatingly sick as well.
But they were both safe, for now, and Katie had to continue the lie.
“Ems, I didn’t! I didn’t even say anything! Jesus.” Katie found her feet again in anger, felt a calm wash over her as she let herself believe she had something to be angry about.
“You’re so full of shit, aren’t you?” Emily shouted through a sniffle. It just made it even more pathetic that she knew nothing now. “I don’t know why I ever thought you would be on my side.”
The glare Emily fixed her with then was enough to leave her rooted on the spot as Emily shook her head and headed towards the exit. Katie followed a few steps behind, finally allowing herself to breathe.
****
Only when Emily was in bed, having finally crashed out around 2am, did Katie sneak out of their room and into the bathroom where she took one look at herself in the mirror and cried harder and more quietly than she had ever done before.
****
“No... no. Okay.”
Katie heard as she woke. It was muffled through the duvet but she could hear Emily on the phone. Katie kept deadly still. She figured that if she stayed there long enough then Emily would leave before she needed to move and Katie wouldn’t have to see her face, and just how fucking honest she was. So, Katie just` listened.
“But it was just a bit abrupt, you know? One minute you were... Yeah, she said... she said she didn’t say anything to you. So, fuck’s sake,” Emily sighed, but it sounded to Katie like she was smiling. “So you’re feeling all right now then? God, I feel like such a twat. I was a bit horrible to Katie after you left.”
Katie felt her chest heave. She didn’t understand, then, how it could feel so much worse to have Emily thinking that she needed to apologise, which of course she would. And Katie would have to feel like a cunt and just accept it.
“Yeah, shall I pop round in a bit? Yeah... I... I missed you too. Okay, okay cool. I love you, bye.” Emily exhaled a breath that it sounded like she had been holding since Naomi walked out the night before. Whatever Naomi had managed to say had fixed things for the moment. A-fucking-plus.
A hard something hit Katie on the back and she jerked but remained silent.
“Come on, you bitch. I know you’re awake,” Emily said, tiredly.
No, Katie thought. No, I can’t look at you. But she couldn’t exactly say that without sounding like a total retard and spawning a series of questions she didn’t want to answer, so she flopped the duvet off her face and turned halfway onto her back.
“What?” It didn’t have the bite she was aiming for but she was tired and, well, Emily didn’t really deserve it anyway.
Emily padded over to Katie’s bed and picked up her phone from where it had bounced onto the floor. She sat down, placing a warm hand on Katie’s hip. Katie tried not to flinch as she thought about the last person to touch her hip, though it wasn’t with hands, and it wasn’t as gentle.
“Look, Kay,” Emily started, squeezing lightly. “I’m sorry about last night. Naomi said that she really did just feel sick, that it was a shot with milk in it that she had or something. I don’t know. But she said it wasn’t you.”
Katie tried to remember how angry Emily made her when she was being a sucker and how Katie was meant to be offended and Emily contrite and their roles would slot back into place. She thought of how much Emily just felt about everything. It was enough.
“I fucking told you it wasn’t. Not enough for me to say it, was it?” She could say the words, heard them coming out of her mouth and wondered if Emily could tell that she didn’t mean them.
“Katie, look at me,” Emily almost begged, rolling Katie fully onto her back. Worried that one look into Emily’s honest and pleading eyes would break her, Katie suddenly found the quilt very interesting.
“What, Ems? Let’s just forget it all right? You two can go, like, sort this out the way that lesbians do, and I’ll just fucking stay here like usual, yeah?”
“Oh, come on Katie. Don’t be like that. We can do something later, yeah?”
“Whatever, Ems. Just leave me alone, all right? Go and... let her apologise or something.” Katie rolled back over onto her side and squeezed her eyes shut tight, only relaxing them once Emily had sighed, defeated, and left the room.
She heard the shower start to run the same time she felt her phone vibrate under her pillow. Katie had never wanted to check it less in her life. There were two probably candidates and Katie didn’t want to speak to either of them.
All it said was: We should talk. Katie took a deep breath, knowing that they really should, and began writing her reply.
****
It was quieter on top of Brandon Hill than Katie had expected, seeing as the sun was out and it was the weekend. Perhaps people could sense the confrontation in the air the way Katie did.
Why she had agreed to meet Effy all the way up here was beyond her but at least Katie had had the forethought to wear flats for the climb. She was past the point of fearing that Effy would take the chance to finish what she’d started with the rock but it did nothing to help the knot that was currently forming in her stomach.
Effy, it appeared, was quite good at being punctual and had already smoked a third of a cigarette before Katie joined her silently.
“So then.” Effy said, not even looking in Katie’s direction.
“Look, you bitch, I don’t know what it is you think you saw but - “
“Katie, this will be a lot easier if you don’t pretend, don’t you think?” She said whilst exhaling. “So why don’t we just leave all that shit out, hmm?”
“Okay then - if you’re so positive you know something, why don’t you just tell me what that is, yeah?”
“You want her,” Effy said bluntly, and levelled Katie with a gaze that left her reeling.
Katie felt her temperature rise because it just wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.
“You’re full of shit,” Katie said through gritted teeth. “If that’s all you’ve got to say then I’m going.” She rose to leave, turning away from Effy and all the things that she didn’t know and never could.
Effy let her take a few steps before Katie heard her stand as well and flick her cigarette away from them.
“I could make this messy for you if you like, Katie. But it might be in your best interest if you sit the fuck down and talk.”
Katie felt her shoulders tense - she didn’t respond well to threats, especially from people who were highly likely to carry them out.
“Listen, you slut,” Katie spat as she turned back around and got a little closer to Effy than she felt comfortable with. “Threatening me will get you fucking no-where, yeah, so if you think you can - “
“I’ve got vodka,” Effy said placidly. “So just sit down, yeah?”
Weighing up her options, Katie felt her chest rise and fall as she tried to breathe calmly. If there was ever the slightest chance that she could get Effy to keep her mouth shut then now was the time to ensure that she would.
“Fine,” Katie said firmly. She sat back down and waited for Effy to do the same. “So let’s talk.”
****
An hour and half a bottle of some of the cheapest vodka Katie had ever drunk later, she was surprised to find that she’d calmed somewhat.
They had made their way onto the grass and Katie sat picking at it idly. They had spent most of the time in silence, smoking their way through Effy’s fags and watching the people stroll around the green.
They don’t know, Katie had thought. They all know nothing.
“When did you know, then?” Effy had said, breaking the silence. If she was drunk, Katie couldn’t tell. Maybe it was better that Katie was at least a little tipsy.
“Know what, for fuck’s sake?” Katie said, the lisp back in full force.
“That you were an idiot,” Effy said, and Katie looked at her ready to bite her head off. It took a full second for her to burst out laughing, and Effy laughed too.
“Jesus Christ, is that your best question?” she said through chuckles, taking another slug from the bottle, wincing as the heat hit the back of her throat.
“Well, I’ve known you were an idiot for some time, but self-awareness comes with experience, Katie,” Effy winked.
“God, you say shit like that and I’m the idiot?”
“Takes one to know one, I suppose.” Effy took the bottle from Katie’s hand and took a large gulp, never taking her eyes away from Katie’s.
“Fucking hell, do you even listen to yourself when you speak?”
“Not if I can help it,” Effy said, almost sadly. And with that the mood was back to sombre again. “So, I ask again: when did you know?”
“Look, Effy,” Katie said with a sigh, shifting around to face her. “I’m not, like... I don’t feel however you seem to think I’m feeling, or whatever. I don’t want her. I’m not... like that.”
“No. But something happened in those toilets,” and Effy just stared Katie down until she stupidly, shamefully nodded her agreement. “I saw her face, you know. Before I saw yours. And she looked like...”
“What?” Katie whispered, unable to watch as Effy answered and hating every part of herself that wanted to know just what Naomi had been feeling.
“She looked like she was guilty.”
Katie felt her eyes start to well up unintentionally. “Fuck’s sake,” she muttered. “If you saw that then Emily - “
“Emily doesn’t know.” It was as blunt as that. Katie had given up trying to figure out how Effy seemed to just know everything about everyone and accepted that, yes, she was right. It would probably take a sledgehammer to knock into Emily that something like this had happened.
“Right. So, now what?”
“Now, Katie, you figure out what it is that you do want.”
“And how the fuck am I supposed to do that?”
Effy closed her eyes and laid back on the grass as Katie watched on, her eyes drawn to the curve of Effy’s breasts as her oversized t-shirt relaxed around them. When they trailed up the length of Effy’s neck and met her eyes, already open and waiting, Katie realised that she was holding her breath.
“Well?” she asked as Effy smiled crookedly back her, before tilting her head away from Katie and into the sun.
“You talk to Naomi.”
****
Effy had made it seem so simple, Katie thought as she shuffled home drunk in the daylight. Talk to Naomi. It sounded easy. Katie tried it out in her head, like So, Naomi, I kissed you in those toilets, and I’m really not even slightly gay or anything but kissing you felt incredible and you kissed me back, so...
And that was all there was to it. She didn’t entertain the notion that it might have been for any other reason than she was drunk and Naomi was annoying and it was just an impulse.
Katie remembered what Effy had said before about accidents and reactions as she reached her front door, relieved that it was still far too early for her parents to be home.
It wasn’t until she had sat down on the couch, kicking her shoes off underneath her, that Katie felt everything stop working in her brain. She had liked it - kissing Naomi. Which was absolutely fucking ridiculous because, one; she didn’t like girls and, two; Naomi was in love with her sister. So whatever Katie felt about it had to go away, like right fucking now, because there was there was absolutely no way that this could ever end well. Least of all if she started to agree with herself that kissing Naomi actually meant something to her - that Naomi, of all fucking people, meant something to her.
****
If Effy was right, and it was a big fucking if, then talking to Naomi would have one of two outcomes, Katie decided as she brushed her teeth later that night.
There was no sign of her sister, so the making up had clearly gone well, but it did nothing to ease Katie’s discomfort. Naomi was obviously doing a fucking good job of lying, which in itself was unsettling because it meant that she was clearly some kind of cuntbag who was screwing over her sister and was as unworthy as Katie had always been led to believe. Which raised the question of why she would protect Katie anyway.
But then: no, because she was protecting herself. Because she kissed me back. Katie shook her head as she gargled some Listerine and spat into the sink.
So, talking to Naomi about what had happened could provide some answers that Katie was now not entirely certain that she wanted to hear. Naomi could either say they would forget all about it, or she would say they should tell Emily. And what fucking good would either of those solutions do when it still left Katie with nothing but guilt.
****
A decision was made for her, though, when Emily arrived home the next day.
Admittedly, Katie was surprised to even see her - more often than not, Emily only returned home at dinner time and then fucked back off out once their parents had gone to bed so her middle of the day appearance was unexpected.
“Hi, just grabbing some stuff,” Emily called before bounding up the stairs. Katie didn’t bother looking around from the TV seeing as Emily so clearly couldn’t even be bothered to stop long enough to speak to her. The surprises didn’t end there, though.
“Hi Katie,” she heard quietly, though it sounded like a fog horn blaring in her mind.
Katie froze. She wasn’t ready. Trust the fucking cunt to show up when she just wasn’t ready.
“What do you want?” Katie didn’t turn to look at her but then didn’t need to as she felt Naomi approach. Fuck, she thought, and then despite herself: How does my hair look?
“Well,” Naomi said, her voice hard, ready for an argument. Katie felt her hands start to shake as Naomi appeared in front of her. She slid them under her bum to keep it from showing as Naomi continued. “I couldn’t think of a good enough reason not to come. And… I thought it might be a good idea to talk to you. For us to talk, I mean.”
Katie hadn’t seen her since the club, which was days ago now, but she had that same fierce look in her eye and, just like she had been then, Katie was overcome with the urge to slap it off her face.
“There’s nothing to say, Naomi. Unless you’ve come to apologise?” Katie turned back to the TV with a well-practiced and overly smug grin.
“Apologise?” Naomi said a little too loudly, before lowering her voice again. “Why the fuck would I need to apologise? You were the one who - “
“Look, nothing fucking happened, okay?” Katie stood up, trying to make herself seem bigger than she was, which was fucking hard next to a giant like Naomi. “Let’s just leave it at that.”
Katie caught the smell of her then - like those stick things they set fire to in hippie houses, or, like, incense. And a bit like… Oh, Katie thought. A bit like Emily.
“Katie, we can’t pretend that nothing - “ And then her voice trailed off as they both heard the sound of a door closing shut and Emily beginning her rapid descent.
Naomi took a few quick steps backwards, but continued to stare at Katie who hadn’t even noticed how close together they were standing. They just stared at each other then. Katie wasn’t used to not finishing arguments, especially when she hadn’t been given the chance to prove how right she was.
“All right, hun?” Emily said, smiling at Naomi as she finally turned away from Katie and met Emily by the front door.
“Yeah, fine,” Naomi smiled back. If it looked forced then only Katie could see it.
“Cool, okay. Bye Katie. I’m at Panda’s, yeah?”
Emily hustled Naomi towards the door, not once looking back at Katie. She couldn’t help but watch as their fingers threaded together so naturally and hated them both for it - for just being so fucking close to what this was all meant to be like and yet only inches away from cocking it all up spectacularly.
****
Katie had only just managed to calm herself by the time Neighbours started, only having gazed for a second at her emergency vodka before deciding on tea, when her phone vibrated on the armrest next to her.
I mean it - soon, okay? it said, and she shuffled on the sofa as she rubbed her forehead. This whole thing was starting to give her a fucking headache. Katie knew that she would have to face this, properly next time, and, when she did she would have to have some answers ready. She just had to decide which would be the right ones to give.
****
Pausing with her hand halfway to her own mouth, Katie took a moment to appreciate how much Effy seemed to enjoy ice-cream. It was one of those Mister Whippy ones, built into a swirly peak and covered in red sauce. It was nothing short of a revelation for Katie who always thought that Effy had no enthusiasm for putting anything in her mouth other that vodka, drugs and fags.
“You’re dripping,” Effy said, mid-lick.
“What? Oh, right. Thanks.” Katie trailed her tongue up her fingers where her own ice-cream had started to run. She fumbled around in her bag for wipe, feeling awkward next to Effy who seemed to be able to destroy things so delicately while Katie just orchestrated chaos.
They were sat on the grass out in the park enjoying yet another surprisingly sunny day. Not having received a better offer in days, Katie had agreed to meet Effy, all the while knowing that another little chat about things she couldn’t yet explain would be looming.
It was nice, though, so far. Effy just didn’t talk unless there was something to say, and Katie was becoming so accustomed to not knowing what the fuck to say that they just seemed to relax together. It could only last so long, though.
“So,” Effy said, finishing the last few bites of her cone. “Talk to Naomi yet?”
Katie sighed. “Yes and no. She wants to though. We had a bit of a stupid fucking conversation the other day about… Fuck. About having a conversation. I don’t know.”
“And how was she?”
“What do you mean, ‘How was she?’” Katie snapped, eyes narrowing. “She fucking kissed her girlfriend’s sister - she’s not exactly fucking happy, for Christ’s sake.”
“Ah,” Effy raised her eyebrow. “So that’s what happened.”
Katie blanched. Well, it was fucking out there now, wasn’t it?
“Shit. Well… ugh,” she said, chucking the remainder of her cone out onto the grass in front of them, watching as it was immediately pounced upon by pigeons that they weren’t supposed to feed. “Well, not exactly. I kissed her.”
She was ashamed of it all - the act of it and admitting it to someone who only a week or so ago she considered to be her enemy. But then, Naomi had been her enemy once too and now she was… something else entirely.
They were quiet then, and Effy lit two fags and passed one to Katie. She felt better for a moment. It was always better to have something neat and tidy to focus on when everything else seemed to be such a mess.
Katie had almost forgotten that Effy was there when she spoke again.
“I’m going to have a party, for the end of summer. Invite everyone, see if we can sort things out before college starts again.”
It would have been funny if it hadn’t been the last thing on Katie’s to-do list.
“And what makes you think that a fucking party will help sort things out? Like we’re all supposed to get trashed and try to feel like we don’t all fucking hate each other?”
Effy stiffened next to her and Katie felt like she had said the wrong thing. Again. It only took Effy a moment to recover before she replied quietly.
“I don’t hate you, Katie. I thought that that much would be obvious by now.”
The only thing that was obvious to Katie was that she was clearly mental to be associating with the girl that tried to kill her and that, because Effy saw something she shouldn’t have done, Effy seemed to think they shared something. It was all bollocks though really, because the only thing they had ever shared was a bit of MDMA and a fairly useless boyfriend.
“Sorry babes but, like, just because you ply us with cheap vodka and some weed it doesn’t make us all friends again.”
“I don’t think we were ever friends Katie. But we could be, if you’d stop being such a cunt about everything.”
Effy was so sincere that Katie had to laugh. She stopped though, suddenly, when Effy didn’t laugh with her. Katie conceded.
“All right, fine. But if it all goes monumentally tits up you’ve only got yourself to blame, yeah?” She offered a smile anyway, and relaxed a bit when Effy smiled back.
“Deal,” she said, flicking her cigarette away and extending her hand to Katie who rolled her eyes and took it anyway, shaking once, firmly. It was cold, like Effy just didn’t have enough blood running through her veins. “Just, no fucking ‘shrooms, yeah? You’re not much fun on them.”
Effy did laugh then, properly, like it was all a big joke now. “No problem. I didn’t much like being throttled anyway.”
Maybe that’s what all of this was, though. One big cosmological joke that the world was playing on Katie. And, fine. If she was going to talk to Naomi then she might as well be fucking drunk for it. It was how they always did everything anyway.
****
If it wasn’t totally misplaced, Katie would have been well impressed with Emily’s complete incredulity at Effy’s invitation. She had to stop Emily in the middle of a massive rant about ‘the fucking cheek of it’ and explain that, actually, she and Effy had sorted a few things out and a party might be what they all needed to get things sorted before college.
Emily had just looked confused for a bit, and had told Katie that she was a little bit hurt that Katie hadn’t told her that she was friends with Effy again. Katie rolled her eyes and told her sister to stop being overly dramatic whilst dropping down onto the bed next to her and nudging her shoulder.
“Just…” Emily started, and then sighed. “Lately it just feels like no-one’s telling me anything.”
“Fuck’s sake, Ems. I said I was sorry, yeah?”
“It’s not just you though. Naomi’s been… weird,” Emily said, waving her hands around in front of them both. Katie was grateful to have them to focus on, even though she wanted to slap them down for being so bloody irritating.
“Not like that’s a fucking development, is it really?” Katie snorted. “She’s always been fucking weird.”
Obviously Naomi hadn’t been doing as good a job as Katie had thought. If she didn’t stop being a dick then they were going to be in serious fucking shit.
“Fuck off, Katie. You know what I mean. Did you, like…” Emily turned on her side to face Katie, finding a loose thread on the duvet to play with. “Did you ever, with Danny or Freddie, like ever get the feeling that it wasn’t all what it was meant to be?”
“Look Ems,” Katie pushed herself up on the bed, dislodging Emily’s head from where it was propped up on her hand. “First of all, I can’t believe that you’re talking to me about this, like some part of you thinks that I might now approve of your relationship or whatever, and that I might want to help you…”
“Katie…” Emily warned, propping herself up against the pillows, and Katie sneered at her.
“Okay fine,” Katie continued. “So I don’t hate you both as much as I did before, whatever. But, secondly, right - how the fuck should I know? I’m fairly sure you’ve met both Danny AND Freddie, and whoever the fuck else was before them, so you should know what useless wankers they were.”
“But, then… if you knew that, why’d you stay with them?”
“Because, they were all right. And they bought me nice things. Well, Danny did anyway - all Freddie’s money went on weed, and there’s only so many nights a week that can be interesting, yeah?”
“You stuck with them though, when things weren’t exactly… perfect,” Emily sounded to Katie like she needed reassurance and unfortunately for Emily she was talking to one of two people who couldn’t give it to her. Not sincerely, anyway.
“Looks Ems, I’m sure whatever it is will work itself out, yeah? Now,” she shuffled off the bed, doing her best to sound like she didn’t know exactly what Emily was talking about, even though Emily didn’t herself. “Let’s pick out some outfits for this party. Freddie’s gonna be there and I want him to see just what he’s missing out on, yeah?”
Emily shrugged out a “Fine” and ambled over to start rifling through their wardrobe, Katie taking a moment to compose herself whilst rummaging through her knicker-drawer for a thong no one except her was likely to see.
****
To say that it was the least banging party fucking ever would have been a massive understatement. Katie had arrived by herself having been left by Emily to fuck off round Naomi’s to get ready and, sometimes, it just kind of stung that Emily was so disinterested in spending time with her now that she had Naomi. And, like, when Katie had boyfriends she still made time for her sister, took her shopping, helped dye her hair, took her out with them, for fuck’s sake. It just seemed rotten that Emily wouldn’t return the favour.
So, when Katie had turned up at Effy’s around 9pm, she expected there to be at least a few people there that she knew but - and she knew as she approached the house and heard no music or people or fucking anything - there was just Freddie and JJ sat in the lounge playing on the Wii.
Katie wanted to slap Effy. She was thoroughly over-dressed and getting more pissed off by the second. The rum and coke that Effy shoved into her hand did nothing to help until she’d practically downed it.
“Woah, easy there Katie. Don’t want you flaking out on us early or anything,” Freddie laughed and, great, now they were taking the piss.
“And you’d know all about flaking out early, wouldn’t you Freddie?” Katie levelled him with a gaze that made his usually tan cheeks flush a bright pink. He cleared his throat and turned back to the game, JJ smiling awkwardly at the whole thing. So much for making friends, Katie thought.
“Come on, Katie,” Effy said, tugging on her wrist. Katie noticed she was smirking and wondered if Freddie had too. But, fuck it, he deserved it. “Let’s get fucked up.”
“A-fucking-men.” And Katie happily followed Effy into the kitchen.
****
They were both properly drunk by the time Emily and Naomi arrived, both greeting Effy awkwardly but handing over a bottle of wine nonetheless. Katie raised her eyebrow at her sister who just shrugged.
Cook had arrived with some girl Katie hadn’t seen before and seemed calmer than she’d ever seen him before. He only looked slightly pained as he had given Effy a kiss hello and lingered perhaps longer than he should have. At least he was fucking trying. And when Thomas and Panda showed up Cook had shaken his hand as Panda looked on with something akin to pride, which made Katie wonder just when everyone had had the chance to work out their differences without even bothering to tell her.
She had resigned herself to the fact that this really was going to be a gathering of small proportions, fighting off annoyance at the fact that this was what she had wanted to happen at the woods. Just drinks and people. Except this time she was properly alone, not even pretend alone while watching Freddie and wanting him to want her. It seemed so long ago now, Freddie a distant memory that went hand in hand with other things she didn’t want to have to remember.
The kitchen seemed to have become the girls’ area, while the boys populated the lounge and Katie could hear them every now and then, shouting out something at whatever game they were playing. It was all just kind of nice, she thought as she leaned against the sink, watching as Effy and Naomi laughed together, while Emily tried to keep up with Cook’s friend’s strong Bristolian accent.
Nice for them, but kind of sad for Katie as she realised that, once again, she was alone.
Swiping a half-full bottle of vodka and Effy’s fags from the counter, she slipped away and into the garden. Fuck them, then. They can all be best fucking friends, she thought lighting up and holding her arm around herself.
She heard the back door close behind her, assuming it was Effy.
“Sorry Eff, I know they’re your fags but - “
“I don’t think she minds, Katie,” Naomi said, sidling up besides her and gesturing for one. “In fact, I believe her words were ‘Katie’s in the garden having a fag - why don’t you go and join her?’”
“Jesus Christ,” Katie shook her head as she held out the pack. “I thought she might have been a bit more fucking subtle than that.”
“Obviously following your fine example then,” Naomi said through the smoke, cuntish as ever.
“And what the fuck’s that supposed to mean then?”
“It means, Katie, that it’s fairly fucking obvious that you’re avoiding me, and at some point someone is going to wonder why.”
“And by someone you mean Emily, obviously,” Katie said, squaring up to Naomi as much as she could. The heels helped but also meant that Katie was a lot closer to Naomi’s face as she would have been usually, so much so that she could see the way her top lip curled up and over her teeth when she smiled.
“Obviously.”
“So fucking what, then? We’re meant to be best mates, yeah? That’s what Effy seems to want, which is totally fucking delusional because she’s part of the reason we’re in this mess.”
Naomi looked confused for moment. “You think that… you think that what Effy did you to you made you want to - “
“Don’t,” Katie tried to keep her voice strong but the quiver came through nonetheless. “Don’t fucking say it.”
“Why did you do it?” It was softer than Katie had expected Naomi to sound, almost like she was afraid of the answer.
“I was drunk, yeah? Fucking wasted and you were just… pissing me off,” Katie tried out a glare. Failed. Looked away.
Naomi -the bitch - laughed. “Katie, I’ve pissed you off many times before but not once have you - “
“I said don’t,” Katie urged, but it was too late.
“ - kissed me.” She just had to fucking say it, right as Katie looked her in the eye and the air got stuck in her lungs.
It was the moment it all fell apart for Katie: Naomi standing there trying to figure out what the hell Katie had done, what they both had done, and Katie finally understanding why.
Whatever the look was on Katie’s face, it stopped Naomi’s laughter abruptly, left it echoing around inside Katie’s head as they heard a jeer from inside.
“Oh,” Naomi just said, like Katie had broken her. This couldn’t be real, Katie knew it. It just couldn’t.
“No, whatever you’re thinking it’s just, no Naomi, all right?”
“Katie, do you - “
“I fucking swear to God, babes, if you finish that sentence I will break your nose, right? And then Emily will fucking want to put me back in hospital.”
“Emily…” Naomi said, like she’d totally forgotten who her girlfriend was. “God, Emily.”
“Right, so whatever it is you’re thinking you can just stop it right now because Emily loves you.”
And then Naomi looked at Katie as though she had woken up from a coma and Naomi had just asked her how many fingers she was holding up.
“Right, Katie - and I love Emily.”
They just stared at each other then, until Katie couldn’t look any more and hated herself for wanting to. Hated Naomi more when she reached out and took Katie’s hand. She could have pulled away, easily but she was defeated now.
“Look, Katie. I really don’t know what the fuck it is that’s going on with you,” she said quietly. “But while you figure that out, why don’t we both be decent human beings and go back to the way we were. Before you… slapped me.”
Katie snorted out a laugh and realised, pathetically, that she was crying. “You fucking deserved it though,” Katie muttered, reaching with shaking hands for the fag packet, taking one out for each of them.
“Maybe,” Naomi said, leaning down as Katie lit hers, cupping their hands around the flame together. “Maybe you just can’t handle the fact that I’m always right.” She wiggled her eyebrows she pulled away and they both laughed.
It was how Emily found them, minutes later, calling them back inside to watch Cook beat JJ at Wii boxing. Katie tried not to flinch as Emily leaned forward to kiss Naomi, now knowing that what she thought she wanted was totally impossible and utterly fucking hopeless.
****
It turned out to be all right, the rest of the evening. Katie had found herself with a bottle of sambuca doing shots with Panda in the kitchen while she asked Katie about how many blokes she had been with and if she’d ever given a blow job whilst quite near to the top on a Ferris Wheel, at which point Katie had nearly spat out her shot whilst laughing. Panda had just looked confused and a bit cross and told Katie that it was a lot more difficult than she would have thought.
As Panda stalked off Katie caught Naomi’s eye as she and Emily stumbled past the kitchen, Emily leading Naomi by the hand and up the stairs. If Katie hadn’t known better she would have thought that Naomi looked almost apologetic as she smiled back at her.
Katie turned back to her bottle, abandoning a glass in favour of drinking straight from the bottle.
“Jesus, Katie. That’s not even mine,” Effy slurred as she wandered over, taking the bottle to drink from herself.
“Sorry babes, you shouldn’t leave it lying around,” Katie smirked, feeling suddenly tired.
“So, how did it go?”
Katie rolled her eyes, far too drunk for this conversation - for any conversation, really.
“I don’t fucking know, do I?”
“At least you’re getting it now, Katie. None of us do,” she said, looking kind of wistfully towards the living room.
“Not all it’s cracked up to be, then?” Katie found she actually cared - not that Effy and Freddie were together, but that they actually might not be working. “I could have told you that, babes.”
They shared a sad smile. It was something, Katie realised. It was an understanding, albeit a bittersweet one.
“Come on,” Effy said, grabbing the bottle with one hand and Katie’s elbow with the other. “We might as well finish this now. I doubt Tony’s even remembered it’s still here.”
Effy poured two shots and clinked their glasses together.
“To fucking things up,” she said as Katie just nodded, downing hers more quickly than she would have needed to on any other that night.
****
There were two things that Katie knew as she was shoved into a taxi after a very close-to-vomiting Emily and before a particularly hammered Naomi, the former with her head pressed to the glass while Katie’s thigh pressed firmly against Naomi’s as she joined them. The first, Katie thought as she stared forward, frozen in between them, was that she most definitely, without a doubt, fancied Naomi.
The second, and Katie breathed in sharply as she felt Naomi’s pinkie reach out and begin stroking small but definite lines up and down her thigh, was that if there was the slightest chance that Naomi fancied her back then they were all totally fucked.
Completely and utterly fucked.
****
A week later, just before college started, Katie told herself that things needed to change as she made herself a salad.
It was cool now really, that she and Effy were friends - at least she could walk back into college and stare down anyone that looked at her funny, and probably even threaten to set her rock-happy friend on them if it came to it. And, so what if she was with Freddie? It would just show that she was fucking over it all, and was clearly a far fucking better person than all of them.
And, apart from the few classes she shared with Emily and Naomi, Katie decided that she didn’t need to see all that much of them either. They could carry on in their happy little gay bubble and ignore Katie and it would all be better. And Naomi would forget anything that ever happened between them and they definitely, definitely would not be getting drunk together again.
Katie would get a boyfriend because, duh, it wouldn’t be that hard. She had always done it before, and then Effy would stop looking at her like she was a timebomb full of, like, unrequited gay whatever for Naomi, and Katie would remember just how much she enjoyed a bit of cock, even if the bloke attached to it wasn’t really worth the ground she walked on.
It was satisfying, she thought, to be getting things sorted again and stood by the sink watching Emily and Naomi sunbathing in the garden. She didn’t care that she suddenly couldn’t eat a fucking thing once she saw Naomi sit up in her bikini, rubbing lotion over her own arms and tilting her head back to catch the sun on her face,
Katie especially didn’t feel anything in the pit of her stomach as Naomi lowered her head and looked straight at Katie and fucking blushed and smiled as Katie just stared, her own mouth slightly open.
It was broken though, whatever it was, when Emily pulled Naomi back down towards her and Naomi forgot that Katie was there.
She didn’t feel anything, of course. And when college started again there would be no more garden sunbathing or bumping into each other during the day at Katie’s house. It wasn’t disappointment, Katie told herself - it was fucking relief. Soon it would all be back to normal.
Soon, Katie would be back to normal.
Chapter Five
There had been so many times when she’d made Emily cry, like if Katie left school without her to walk with her friends or if she blamed the mess in the bathroom on her (and, really, that was their mum’s fault as much as it was Katie’s for just believing the ridiculousness of it to begin with) and, yeah, okay, Katie felt bad but not enough to wish she hadn’t done it.
This time though, as Emily refused to even acknowledge her for the entire journey home, Katie wished more than anything that she could take it all back.
The worst thing was, though, that Emily didn’t even know why she had a right to ignore her sister. At least, not yet. And hopefully she wouldn’t ever.
****
There was a moment in time the night before where everything seemed to stand still and it felt to Katie like a decision had to be made. Effy was still watching kind of like the way a tiger watches its prey before pouncing, and Katie was all but bursting to strut on over and knock her teeth right out of her stupid mouth before she could become dinner. But she’d already hit one person tonight and, well, look how that turned out.
And Emily was just sort of standing, twisting her feet around like she was trying to remind them how to move. She still looked towards the exit that Naomi had gone through even though it had been at least a lifetime since she had left and Katie had been stunned into immobility.
Katie started to panic at what Naomi would have had to say to get Emily not to follow her. Her sister didn’t look like she was about to violently attack anyone so she figured that Naomi hadn’t told her what had happened, hadn’t told her that Katie had...
But, no. Not now. Not when Effy was so close and Emily was about to break. So, throwing a look at Effy that she sincerely hoped said either Stay the fuck away or, at least, Later, Katie threaded her way through the merrily bouncing people towards her sister.
Emily was a million miles away when Katie put her hand on her shoulder and said shakily:
“Ems?”
Emily slowly turned towards her and Katie recoiled. She hadn’t realised that she had expected Emily to be crying and was taken aback when all she saw was infuriation.
“What did you do?” Emily said, too quietly. Katie heard but wished that she hadn’t.
“What?” She said, though it was just above a whisper. Surely, surely Naomi hadn’t fucking told her, and then fucked off. Katie knew that couldn’t be true but felt a fresh sheen of sweat break out across her forehead at the thought that she might have done.
“You were supposed to fucking... to fucking make this better, Katie. Not make it worse. She was fucking fine before she went to the loo, and then she comes out and says she feels sick and needs to go home. What the fuck, Katie?”
Emily was properly angry, like on the verge of lashing out almost, but Katie was too busy trying to block out the hammering sound in her chest. It was a horrible kind of relief, knowing that Naomi had covered for her, for them. That Naomi had only told a half-truth; if Katie’s own stomach was anything to go by then she could imagine that Naomi felt pretty devastatingly sick as well.
But they were both safe, for now, and Katie had to continue the lie.
“Ems, I didn’t! I didn’t even say anything! Jesus.” Katie found her feet again in anger, felt a calm wash over her as she let herself believe she had something to be angry about.
“You’re so full of shit, aren’t you?” Emily shouted through a sniffle. It just made it even more pathetic that she knew nothing now. “I don’t know why I ever thought you would be on my side.”
The glare Emily fixed her with then was enough to leave her rooted on the spot as Emily shook her head and headed towards the exit. Katie followed a few steps behind, finally allowing herself to breathe.
****
Only when Emily was in bed, having finally crashed out around 2am, did Katie sneak out of their room and into the bathroom where she took one look at herself in the mirror and cried harder and more quietly than she had ever done before.
****
“No... no. Okay.”
Katie heard as she woke. It was muffled through the duvet but she could hear Emily on the phone. Katie kept deadly still. She figured that if she stayed there long enough then Emily would leave before she needed to move and Katie wouldn’t have to see her face, and just how fucking honest she was. So, Katie just` listened.
“But it was just a bit abrupt, you know? One minute you were... Yeah, she said... she said she didn’t say anything to you. So, fuck’s sake,” Emily sighed, but it sounded to Katie like she was smiling. “So you’re feeling all right now then? God, I feel like such a twat. I was a bit horrible to Katie after you left.”
Katie felt her chest heave. She didn’t understand, then, how it could feel so much worse to have Emily thinking that she needed to apologise, which of course she would. And Katie would have to feel like a cunt and just accept it.
“Yeah, shall I pop round in a bit? Yeah... I... I missed you too. Okay, okay cool. I love you, bye.” Emily exhaled a breath that it sounded like she had been holding since Naomi walked out the night before. Whatever Naomi had managed to say had fixed things for the moment. A-fucking-plus.
A hard something hit Katie on the back and she jerked but remained silent.
“Come on, you bitch. I know you’re awake,” Emily said, tiredly.
No, Katie thought. No, I can’t look at you. But she couldn’t exactly say that without sounding like a total retard and spawning a series of questions she didn’t want to answer, so she flopped the duvet off her face and turned halfway onto her back.
“What?” It didn’t have the bite she was aiming for but she was tired and, well, Emily didn’t really deserve it anyway.
Emily padded over to Katie’s bed and picked up her phone from where it had bounced onto the floor. She sat down, placing a warm hand on Katie’s hip. Katie tried not to flinch as she thought about the last person to touch her hip, though it wasn’t with hands, and it wasn’t as gentle.
“Look, Kay,” Emily started, squeezing lightly. “I’m sorry about last night. Naomi said that she really did just feel sick, that it was a shot with milk in it that she had or something. I don’t know. But she said it wasn’t you.”
Katie tried to remember how angry Emily made her when she was being a sucker and how Katie was meant to be offended and Emily contrite and their roles would slot back into place. She thought of how much Emily just felt about everything. It was enough.
“I fucking told you it wasn’t. Not enough for me to say it, was it?” She could say the words, heard them coming out of her mouth and wondered if Emily could tell that she didn’t mean them.
“Katie, look at me,” Emily almost begged, rolling Katie fully onto her back. Worried that one look into Emily’s honest and pleading eyes would break her, Katie suddenly found the quilt very interesting.
“What, Ems? Let’s just forget it all right? You two can go, like, sort this out the way that lesbians do, and I’ll just fucking stay here like usual, yeah?”
“Oh, come on Katie. Don’t be like that. We can do something later, yeah?”
“Whatever, Ems. Just leave me alone, all right? Go and... let her apologise or something.” Katie rolled back over onto her side and squeezed her eyes shut tight, only relaxing them once Emily had sighed, defeated, and left the room.
She heard the shower start to run the same time she felt her phone vibrate under her pillow. Katie had never wanted to check it less in her life. There were two probably candidates and Katie didn’t want to speak to either of them.
All it said was: We should talk. Katie took a deep breath, knowing that they really should, and began writing her reply.
****
It was quieter on top of Brandon Hill than Katie had expected, seeing as the sun was out and it was the weekend. Perhaps people could sense the confrontation in the air the way Katie did.
Why she had agreed to meet Effy all the way up here was beyond her but at least Katie had had the forethought to wear flats for the climb. She was past the point of fearing that Effy would take the chance to finish what she’d started with the rock but it did nothing to help the knot that was currently forming in her stomach.
Effy, it appeared, was quite good at being punctual and had already smoked a third of a cigarette before Katie joined her silently.
“So then.” Effy said, not even looking in Katie’s direction.
“Look, you bitch, I don’t know what it is you think you saw but - “
“Katie, this will be a lot easier if you don’t pretend, don’t you think?” She said whilst exhaling. “So why don’t we just leave all that shit out, hmm?”
“Okay then - if you’re so positive you know something, why don’t you just tell me what that is, yeah?”
“You want her,” Effy said bluntly, and levelled Katie with a gaze that left her reeling.
Katie felt her temperature rise because it just wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.
“You’re full of shit,” Katie said through gritted teeth. “If that’s all you’ve got to say then I’m going.” She rose to leave, turning away from Effy and all the things that she didn’t know and never could.
Effy let her take a few steps before Katie heard her stand as well and flick her cigarette away from them.
“I could make this messy for you if you like, Katie. But it might be in your best interest if you sit the fuck down and talk.”
Katie felt her shoulders tense - she didn’t respond well to threats, especially from people who were highly likely to carry them out.
“Listen, you slut,” Katie spat as she turned back around and got a little closer to Effy than she felt comfortable with. “Threatening me will get you fucking no-where, yeah, so if you think you can - “
“I’ve got vodka,” Effy said placidly. “So just sit down, yeah?”
Weighing up her options, Katie felt her chest rise and fall as she tried to breathe calmly. If there was ever the slightest chance that she could get Effy to keep her mouth shut then now was the time to ensure that she would.
“Fine,” Katie said firmly. She sat back down and waited for Effy to do the same. “So let’s talk.”
****
An hour and half a bottle of some of the cheapest vodka Katie had ever drunk later, she was surprised to find that she’d calmed somewhat.
They had made their way onto the grass and Katie sat picking at it idly. They had spent most of the time in silence, smoking their way through Effy’s fags and watching the people stroll around the green.
They don’t know, Katie had thought. They all know nothing.
“When did you know, then?” Effy had said, breaking the silence. If she was drunk, Katie couldn’t tell. Maybe it was better that Katie was at least a little tipsy.
“Know what, for fuck’s sake?” Katie said, the lisp back in full force.
“That you were an idiot,” Effy said, and Katie looked at her ready to bite her head off. It took a full second for her to burst out laughing, and Effy laughed too.
“Jesus Christ, is that your best question?” she said through chuckles, taking another slug from the bottle, wincing as the heat hit the back of her throat.
“Well, I’ve known you were an idiot for some time, but self-awareness comes with experience, Katie,” Effy winked.
“God, you say shit like that and I’m the idiot?”
“Takes one to know one, I suppose.” Effy took the bottle from Katie’s hand and took a large gulp, never taking her eyes away from Katie’s.
“Fucking hell, do you even listen to yourself when you speak?”
“Not if I can help it,” Effy said, almost sadly. And with that the mood was back to sombre again. “So, I ask again: when did you know?”
“Look, Effy,” Katie said with a sigh, shifting around to face her. “I’m not, like... I don’t feel however you seem to think I’m feeling, or whatever. I don’t want her. I’m not... like that.”
“No. But something happened in those toilets,” and Effy just stared Katie down until she stupidly, shamefully nodded her agreement. “I saw her face, you know. Before I saw yours. And she looked like...”
“What?” Katie whispered, unable to watch as Effy answered and hating every part of herself that wanted to know just what Naomi had been feeling.
“She looked like she was guilty.”
Katie felt her eyes start to well up unintentionally. “Fuck’s sake,” she muttered. “If you saw that then Emily - “
“Emily doesn’t know.” It was as blunt as that. Katie had given up trying to figure out how Effy seemed to just know everything about everyone and accepted that, yes, she was right. It would probably take a sledgehammer to knock into Emily that something like this had happened.
“Right. So, now what?”
“Now, Katie, you figure out what it is that you do want.”
“And how the fuck am I supposed to do that?”
Effy closed her eyes and laid back on the grass as Katie watched on, her eyes drawn to the curve of Effy’s breasts as her oversized t-shirt relaxed around them. When they trailed up the length of Effy’s neck and met her eyes, already open and waiting, Katie realised that she was holding her breath.
“Well?” she asked as Effy smiled crookedly back her, before tilting her head away from Katie and into the sun.
“You talk to Naomi.”
****
Effy had made it seem so simple, Katie thought as she shuffled home drunk in the daylight. Talk to Naomi. It sounded easy. Katie tried it out in her head, like So, Naomi, I kissed you in those toilets, and I’m really not even slightly gay or anything but kissing you felt incredible and you kissed me back, so...
And that was all there was to it. She didn’t entertain the notion that it might have been for any other reason than she was drunk and Naomi was annoying and it was just an impulse.
Katie remembered what Effy had said before about accidents and reactions as she reached her front door, relieved that it was still far too early for her parents to be home.
It wasn’t until she had sat down on the couch, kicking her shoes off underneath her, that Katie felt everything stop working in her brain. She had liked it - kissing Naomi. Which was absolutely fucking ridiculous because, one; she didn’t like girls and, two; Naomi was in love with her sister. So whatever Katie felt about it had to go away, like right fucking now, because there was there was absolutely no way that this could ever end well. Least of all if she started to agree with herself that kissing Naomi actually meant something to her - that Naomi, of all fucking people, meant something to her.
****
If Effy was right, and it was a big fucking if, then talking to Naomi would have one of two outcomes, Katie decided as she brushed her teeth later that night.
There was no sign of her sister, so the making up had clearly gone well, but it did nothing to ease Katie’s discomfort. Naomi was obviously doing a fucking good job of lying, which in itself was unsettling because it meant that she was clearly some kind of cuntbag who was screwing over her sister and was as unworthy as Katie had always been led to believe. Which raised the question of why she would protect Katie anyway.
But then: no, because she was protecting herself. Because she kissed me back. Katie shook her head as she gargled some Listerine and spat into the sink.
So, talking to Naomi about what had happened could provide some answers that Katie was now not entirely certain that she wanted to hear. Naomi could either say they would forget all about it, or she would say they should tell Emily. And what fucking good would either of those solutions do when it still left Katie with nothing but guilt.
****
A decision was made for her, though, when Emily arrived home the next day.
Admittedly, Katie was surprised to even see her - more often than not, Emily only returned home at dinner time and then fucked back off out once their parents had gone to bed so her middle of the day appearance was unexpected.
“Hi, just grabbing some stuff,” Emily called before bounding up the stairs. Katie didn’t bother looking around from the TV seeing as Emily so clearly couldn’t even be bothered to stop long enough to speak to her. The surprises didn’t end there, though.
“Hi Katie,” she heard quietly, though it sounded like a fog horn blaring in her mind.
Katie froze. She wasn’t ready. Trust the fucking cunt to show up when she just wasn’t ready.
“What do you want?” Katie didn’t turn to look at her but then didn’t need to as she felt Naomi approach. Fuck, she thought, and then despite herself: How does my hair look?
“Well,” Naomi said, her voice hard, ready for an argument. Katie felt her hands start to shake as Naomi appeared in front of her. She slid them under her bum to keep it from showing as Naomi continued. “I couldn’t think of a good enough reason not to come. And… I thought it might be a good idea to talk to you. For us to talk, I mean.”
Katie hadn’t seen her since the club, which was days ago now, but she had that same fierce look in her eye and, just like she had been then, Katie was overcome with the urge to slap it off her face.
“There’s nothing to say, Naomi. Unless you’ve come to apologise?” Katie turned back to the TV with a well-practiced and overly smug grin.
“Apologise?” Naomi said a little too loudly, before lowering her voice again. “Why the fuck would I need to apologise? You were the one who - “
“Look, nothing fucking happened, okay?” Katie stood up, trying to make herself seem bigger than she was, which was fucking hard next to a giant like Naomi. “Let’s just leave it at that.”
Katie caught the smell of her then - like those stick things they set fire to in hippie houses, or, like, incense. And a bit like… Oh, Katie thought. A bit like Emily.
“Katie, we can’t pretend that nothing - “ And then her voice trailed off as they both heard the sound of a door closing shut and Emily beginning her rapid descent.
Naomi took a few quick steps backwards, but continued to stare at Katie who hadn’t even noticed how close together they were standing. They just stared at each other then. Katie wasn’t used to not finishing arguments, especially when she hadn’t been given the chance to prove how right she was.
“All right, hun?” Emily said, smiling at Naomi as she finally turned away from Katie and met Emily by the front door.
“Yeah, fine,” Naomi smiled back. If it looked forced then only Katie could see it.
“Cool, okay. Bye Katie. I’m at Panda’s, yeah?”
Emily hustled Naomi towards the door, not once looking back at Katie. She couldn’t help but watch as their fingers threaded together so naturally and hated them both for it - for just being so fucking close to what this was all meant to be like and yet only inches away from cocking it all up spectacularly.
****
Katie had only just managed to calm herself by the time Neighbours started, only having gazed for a second at her emergency vodka before deciding on tea, when her phone vibrated on the armrest next to her.
I mean it - soon, okay? it said, and she shuffled on the sofa as she rubbed her forehead. This whole thing was starting to give her a fucking headache. Katie knew that she would have to face this, properly next time, and, when she did she would have to have some answers ready. She just had to decide which would be the right ones to give.
****
Pausing with her hand halfway to her own mouth, Katie took a moment to appreciate how much Effy seemed to enjoy ice-cream. It was one of those Mister Whippy ones, built into a swirly peak and covered in red sauce. It was nothing short of a revelation for Katie who always thought that Effy had no enthusiasm for putting anything in her mouth other that vodka, drugs and fags.
“You’re dripping,” Effy said, mid-lick.
“What? Oh, right. Thanks.” Katie trailed her tongue up her fingers where her own ice-cream had started to run. She fumbled around in her bag for wipe, feeling awkward next to Effy who seemed to be able to destroy things so delicately while Katie just orchestrated chaos.
They were sat on the grass out in the park enjoying yet another surprisingly sunny day. Not having received a better offer in days, Katie had agreed to meet Effy, all the while knowing that another little chat about things she couldn’t yet explain would be looming.
It was nice, though, so far. Effy just didn’t talk unless there was something to say, and Katie was becoming so accustomed to not knowing what the fuck to say that they just seemed to relax together. It could only last so long, though.
“So,” Effy said, finishing the last few bites of her cone. “Talk to Naomi yet?”
Katie sighed. “Yes and no. She wants to though. We had a bit of a stupid fucking conversation the other day about… Fuck. About having a conversation. I don’t know.”
“And how was she?”
“What do you mean, ‘How was she?’” Katie snapped, eyes narrowing. “She fucking kissed her girlfriend’s sister - she’s not exactly fucking happy, for Christ’s sake.”
“Ah,” Effy raised her eyebrow. “So that’s what happened.”
Katie blanched. Well, it was fucking out there now, wasn’t it?
“Shit. Well… ugh,” she said, chucking the remainder of her cone out onto the grass in front of them, watching as it was immediately pounced upon by pigeons that they weren’t supposed to feed. “Well, not exactly. I kissed her.”
She was ashamed of it all - the act of it and admitting it to someone who only a week or so ago she considered to be her enemy. But then, Naomi had been her enemy once too and now she was… something else entirely.
They were quiet then, and Effy lit two fags and passed one to Katie. She felt better for a moment. It was always better to have something neat and tidy to focus on when everything else seemed to be such a mess.
Katie had almost forgotten that Effy was there when she spoke again.
“I’m going to have a party, for the end of summer. Invite everyone, see if we can sort things out before college starts again.”
It would have been funny if it hadn’t been the last thing on Katie’s to-do list.
“And what makes you think that a fucking party will help sort things out? Like we’re all supposed to get trashed and try to feel like we don’t all fucking hate each other?”
Effy stiffened next to her and Katie felt like she had said the wrong thing. Again. It only took Effy a moment to recover before she replied quietly.
“I don’t hate you, Katie. I thought that that much would be obvious by now.”
The only thing that was obvious to Katie was that she was clearly mental to be associating with the girl that tried to kill her and that, because Effy saw something she shouldn’t have done, Effy seemed to think they shared something. It was all bollocks though really, because the only thing they had ever shared was a bit of MDMA and a fairly useless boyfriend.
“Sorry babes but, like, just because you ply us with cheap vodka and some weed it doesn’t make us all friends again.”
“I don’t think we were ever friends Katie. But we could be, if you’d stop being such a cunt about everything.”
Effy was so sincere that Katie had to laugh. She stopped though, suddenly, when Effy didn’t laugh with her. Katie conceded.
“All right, fine. But if it all goes monumentally tits up you’ve only got yourself to blame, yeah?” She offered a smile anyway, and relaxed a bit when Effy smiled back.
“Deal,” she said, flicking her cigarette away and extending her hand to Katie who rolled her eyes and took it anyway, shaking once, firmly. It was cold, like Effy just didn’t have enough blood running through her veins. “Just, no fucking ‘shrooms, yeah? You’re not much fun on them.”
Effy did laugh then, properly, like it was all a big joke now. “No problem. I didn’t much like being throttled anyway.”
Maybe that’s what all of this was, though. One big cosmological joke that the world was playing on Katie. And, fine. If she was going to talk to Naomi then she might as well be fucking drunk for it. It was how they always did everything anyway.
****
If it wasn’t totally misplaced, Katie would have been well impressed with Emily’s complete incredulity at Effy’s invitation. She had to stop Emily in the middle of a massive rant about ‘the fucking cheek of it’ and explain that, actually, she and Effy had sorted a few things out and a party might be what they all needed to get things sorted before college.
Emily had just looked confused for a bit, and had told Katie that she was a little bit hurt that Katie hadn’t told her that she was friends with Effy again. Katie rolled her eyes and told her sister to stop being overly dramatic whilst dropping down onto the bed next to her and nudging her shoulder.
“Just…” Emily started, and then sighed. “Lately it just feels like no-one’s telling me anything.”
“Fuck’s sake, Ems. I said I was sorry, yeah?”
“It’s not just you though. Naomi’s been… weird,” Emily said, waving her hands around in front of them both. Katie was grateful to have them to focus on, even though she wanted to slap them down for being so bloody irritating.
“Not like that’s a fucking development, is it really?” Katie snorted. “She’s always been fucking weird.”
Obviously Naomi hadn’t been doing as good a job as Katie had thought. If she didn’t stop being a dick then they were going to be in serious fucking shit.
“Fuck off, Katie. You know what I mean. Did you, like…” Emily turned on her side to face Katie, finding a loose thread on the duvet to play with. “Did you ever, with Danny or Freddie, like ever get the feeling that it wasn’t all what it was meant to be?”
“Look Ems,” Katie pushed herself up on the bed, dislodging Emily’s head from where it was propped up on her hand. “First of all, I can’t believe that you’re talking to me about this, like some part of you thinks that I might now approve of your relationship or whatever, and that I might want to help you…”
“Katie…” Emily warned, propping herself up against the pillows, and Katie sneered at her.
“Okay fine,” Katie continued. “So I don’t hate you both as much as I did before, whatever. But, secondly, right - how the fuck should I know? I’m fairly sure you’ve met both Danny AND Freddie, and whoever the fuck else was before them, so you should know what useless wankers they were.”
“But, then… if you knew that, why’d you stay with them?”
“Because, they were all right. And they bought me nice things. Well, Danny did anyway - all Freddie’s money went on weed, and there’s only so many nights a week that can be interesting, yeah?”
“You stuck with them though, when things weren’t exactly… perfect,” Emily sounded to Katie like she needed reassurance and unfortunately for Emily she was talking to one of two people who couldn’t give it to her. Not sincerely, anyway.
“Looks Ems, I’m sure whatever it is will work itself out, yeah? Now,” she shuffled off the bed, doing her best to sound like she didn’t know exactly what Emily was talking about, even though Emily didn’t herself. “Let’s pick out some outfits for this party. Freddie’s gonna be there and I want him to see just what he’s missing out on, yeah?”
Emily shrugged out a “Fine” and ambled over to start rifling through their wardrobe, Katie taking a moment to compose herself whilst rummaging through her knicker-drawer for a thong no one except her was likely to see.
****
To say that it was the least banging party fucking ever would have been a massive understatement. Katie had arrived by herself having been left by Emily to fuck off round Naomi’s to get ready and, sometimes, it just kind of stung that Emily was so disinterested in spending time with her now that she had Naomi. And, like, when Katie had boyfriends she still made time for her sister, took her shopping, helped dye her hair, took her out with them, for fuck’s sake. It just seemed rotten that Emily wouldn’t return the favour.
So, when Katie had turned up at Effy’s around 9pm, she expected there to be at least a few people there that she knew but - and she knew as she approached the house and heard no music or people or fucking anything - there was just Freddie and JJ sat in the lounge playing on the Wii.
Katie wanted to slap Effy. She was thoroughly over-dressed and getting more pissed off by the second. The rum and coke that Effy shoved into her hand did nothing to help until she’d practically downed it.
“Woah, easy there Katie. Don’t want you flaking out on us early or anything,” Freddie laughed and, great, now they were taking the piss.
“And you’d know all about flaking out early, wouldn’t you Freddie?” Katie levelled him with a gaze that made his usually tan cheeks flush a bright pink. He cleared his throat and turned back to the game, JJ smiling awkwardly at the whole thing. So much for making friends, Katie thought.
“Come on, Katie,” Effy said, tugging on her wrist. Katie noticed she was smirking and wondered if Freddie had too. But, fuck it, he deserved it. “Let’s get fucked up.”
“A-fucking-men.” And Katie happily followed Effy into the kitchen.
****
They were both properly drunk by the time Emily and Naomi arrived, both greeting Effy awkwardly but handing over a bottle of wine nonetheless. Katie raised her eyebrow at her sister who just shrugged.
Cook had arrived with some girl Katie hadn’t seen before and seemed calmer than she’d ever seen him before. He only looked slightly pained as he had given Effy a kiss hello and lingered perhaps longer than he should have. At least he was fucking trying. And when Thomas and Panda showed up Cook had shaken his hand as Panda looked on with something akin to pride, which made Katie wonder just when everyone had had the chance to work out their differences without even bothering to tell her.
She had resigned herself to the fact that this really was going to be a gathering of small proportions, fighting off annoyance at the fact that this was what she had wanted to happen at the woods. Just drinks and people. Except this time she was properly alone, not even pretend alone while watching Freddie and wanting him to want her. It seemed so long ago now, Freddie a distant memory that went hand in hand with other things she didn’t want to have to remember.
The kitchen seemed to have become the girls’ area, while the boys populated the lounge and Katie could hear them every now and then, shouting out something at whatever game they were playing. It was all just kind of nice, she thought as she leaned against the sink, watching as Effy and Naomi laughed together, while Emily tried to keep up with Cook’s friend’s strong Bristolian accent.
Nice for them, but kind of sad for Katie as she realised that, once again, she was alone.
Swiping a half-full bottle of vodka and Effy’s fags from the counter, she slipped away and into the garden. Fuck them, then. They can all be best fucking friends, she thought lighting up and holding her arm around herself.
She heard the back door close behind her, assuming it was Effy.
“Sorry Eff, I know they’re your fags but - “
“I don’t think she minds, Katie,” Naomi said, sidling up besides her and gesturing for one. “In fact, I believe her words were ‘Katie’s in the garden having a fag - why don’t you go and join her?’”
“Jesus Christ,” Katie shook her head as she held out the pack. “I thought she might have been a bit more fucking subtle than that.”
“Obviously following your fine example then,” Naomi said through the smoke, cuntish as ever.
“And what the fuck’s that supposed to mean then?”
“It means, Katie, that it’s fairly fucking obvious that you’re avoiding me, and at some point someone is going to wonder why.”
“And by someone you mean Emily, obviously,” Katie said, squaring up to Naomi as much as she could. The heels helped but also meant that Katie was a lot closer to Naomi’s face as she would have been usually, so much so that she could see the way her top lip curled up and over her teeth when she smiled.
“Obviously.”
“So fucking what, then? We’re meant to be best mates, yeah? That’s what Effy seems to want, which is totally fucking delusional because she’s part of the reason we’re in this mess.”
Naomi looked confused for moment. “You think that… you think that what Effy did you to you made you want to - “
“Don’t,” Katie tried to keep her voice strong but the quiver came through nonetheless. “Don’t fucking say it.”
“Why did you do it?” It was softer than Katie had expected Naomi to sound, almost like she was afraid of the answer.
“I was drunk, yeah? Fucking wasted and you were just… pissing me off,” Katie tried out a glare. Failed. Looked away.
Naomi -the bitch - laughed. “Katie, I’ve pissed you off many times before but not once have you - “
“I said don’t,” Katie urged, but it was too late.
“ - kissed me.” She just had to fucking say it, right as Katie looked her in the eye and the air got stuck in her lungs.
It was the moment it all fell apart for Katie: Naomi standing there trying to figure out what the hell Katie had done, what they both had done, and Katie finally understanding why.
Whatever the look was on Katie’s face, it stopped Naomi’s laughter abruptly, left it echoing around inside Katie’s head as they heard a jeer from inside.
“Oh,” Naomi just said, like Katie had broken her. This couldn’t be real, Katie knew it. It just couldn’t.
“No, whatever you’re thinking it’s just, no Naomi, all right?”
“Katie, do you - “
“I fucking swear to God, babes, if you finish that sentence I will break your nose, right? And then Emily will fucking want to put me back in hospital.”
“Emily…” Naomi said, like she’d totally forgotten who her girlfriend was. “God, Emily.”
“Right, so whatever it is you’re thinking you can just stop it right now because Emily loves you.”
And then Naomi looked at Katie as though she had woken up from a coma and Naomi had just asked her how many fingers she was holding up.
“Right, Katie - and I love Emily.”
They just stared at each other then, until Katie couldn’t look any more and hated herself for wanting to. Hated Naomi more when she reached out and took Katie’s hand. She could have pulled away, easily but she was defeated now.
“Look, Katie. I really don’t know what the fuck it is that’s going on with you,” she said quietly. “But while you figure that out, why don’t we both be decent human beings and go back to the way we were. Before you… slapped me.”
Katie snorted out a laugh and realised, pathetically, that she was crying. “You fucking deserved it though,” Katie muttered, reaching with shaking hands for the fag packet, taking one out for each of them.
“Maybe,” Naomi said, leaning down as Katie lit hers, cupping their hands around the flame together. “Maybe you just can’t handle the fact that I’m always right.” She wiggled her eyebrows she pulled away and they both laughed.
It was how Emily found them, minutes later, calling them back inside to watch Cook beat JJ at Wii boxing. Katie tried not to flinch as Emily leaned forward to kiss Naomi, now knowing that what she thought she wanted was totally impossible and utterly fucking hopeless.
****
It turned out to be all right, the rest of the evening. Katie had found herself with a bottle of sambuca doing shots with Panda in the kitchen while she asked Katie about how many blokes she had been with and if she’d ever given a blow job whilst quite near to the top on a Ferris Wheel, at which point Katie had nearly spat out her shot whilst laughing. Panda had just looked confused and a bit cross and told Katie that it was a lot more difficult than she would have thought.
As Panda stalked off Katie caught Naomi’s eye as she and Emily stumbled past the kitchen, Emily leading Naomi by the hand and up the stairs. If Katie hadn’t known better she would have thought that Naomi looked almost apologetic as she smiled back at her.
Katie turned back to her bottle, abandoning a glass in favour of drinking straight from the bottle.
“Jesus, Katie. That’s not even mine,” Effy slurred as she wandered over, taking the bottle to drink from herself.
“Sorry babes, you shouldn’t leave it lying around,” Katie smirked, feeling suddenly tired.
“So, how did it go?”
Katie rolled her eyes, far too drunk for this conversation - for any conversation, really.
“I don’t fucking know, do I?”
“At least you’re getting it now, Katie. None of us do,” she said, looking kind of wistfully towards the living room.
“Not all it’s cracked up to be, then?” Katie found she actually cared - not that Effy and Freddie were together, but that they actually might not be working. “I could have told you that, babes.”
They shared a sad smile. It was something, Katie realised. It was an understanding, albeit a bittersweet one.
“Come on,” Effy said, grabbing the bottle with one hand and Katie’s elbow with the other. “We might as well finish this now. I doubt Tony’s even remembered it’s still here.”
Effy poured two shots and clinked their glasses together.
“To fucking things up,” she said as Katie just nodded, downing hers more quickly than she would have needed to on any other that night.
****
There were two things that Katie knew as she was shoved into a taxi after a very close-to-vomiting Emily and before a particularly hammered Naomi, the former with her head pressed to the glass while Katie’s thigh pressed firmly against Naomi’s as she joined them. The first, Katie thought as she stared forward, frozen in between them, was that she most definitely, without a doubt, fancied Naomi.
The second, and Katie breathed in sharply as she felt Naomi’s pinkie reach out and begin stroking small but definite lines up and down her thigh, was that if there was the slightest chance that Naomi fancied her back then they were all totally fucked.
Completely and utterly fucked.
****
A week later, just before college started, Katie told herself that things needed to change as she made herself a salad.
It was cool now really, that she and Effy were friends - at least she could walk back into college and stare down anyone that looked at her funny, and probably even threaten to set her rock-happy friend on them if it came to it. And, so what if she was with Freddie? It would just show that she was fucking over it all, and was clearly a far fucking better person than all of them.
And, apart from the few classes she shared with Emily and Naomi, Katie decided that she didn’t need to see all that much of them either. They could carry on in their happy little gay bubble and ignore Katie and it would all be better. And Naomi would forget anything that ever happened between them and they definitely, definitely would not be getting drunk together again.
Katie would get a boyfriend because, duh, it wouldn’t be that hard. She had always done it before, and then Effy would stop looking at her like she was a timebomb full of, like, unrequited gay whatever for Naomi, and Katie would remember just how much she enjoyed a bit of cock, even if the bloke attached to it wasn’t really worth the ground she walked on.
It was satisfying, she thought, to be getting things sorted again and stood by the sink watching Emily and Naomi sunbathing in the garden. She didn’t care that she suddenly couldn’t eat a fucking thing once she saw Naomi sit up in her bikini, rubbing lotion over her own arms and tilting her head back to catch the sun on her face,
Katie especially didn’t feel anything in the pit of her stomach as Naomi lowered her head and looked straight at Katie and fucking blushed and smiled as Katie just stared, her own mouth slightly open.
It was broken though, whatever it was, when Emily pulled Naomi back down towards her and Naomi forgot that Katie was there.
She didn’t feel anything, of course. And when college started again there would be no more garden sunbathing or bumping into each other during the day at Katie’s house. It wasn’t disappointment, Katie told herself - it was fucking relief. Soon it would all be back to normal.
Soon, Katie would be back to normal.
Chapter Five