Someone you might have been (part 7 of 39)
I'm sorry, I'm apparently still writing this.
Someone you might have been
Secret agent!Jared/handler!Jensen... in close quarters.
part six
The spread of the civil war means Jared and Jensen can do nothing except get a room at a hotel in the city and wait until ISA can get through to pull them out. There's fighting in the streets but there are still bars open, and the reverberating thunder of shelling is a backdrop to the chattering of the imported sitcom showing on the tiny TV in the hotel foyer. It's a surreal kind of chaos.
Jared looks out of the dirty window that stretches ceiling to floor, watches the fires in the city burn in the night and the occasional flash of nearby gunfire. He glances back at the case holding five vials of one of the most virulent chemical weapons ever created. It looks fairly innocuous: pretty and green, and Jensen's fingertips rest on it even as he scans the pages of the newspaper he's found.
"Looks pretty crazy out there," Jared says.
"Even if we were too much of a risk to pick up, they have to come for this case," Jensen says briskly, without even looking up at him.
Jared gets the feeling Jensen is none too thrilled to be sharing a room with him. It probably hasn't helped that even though there are two beds, the room's still too small for there to be much distance between them. Still, it's only one night, and if Jared didn't think Jensen was still furious with him about disregarding orders earlier, he'd make some crack about acting the gentleman and promise not to molest Jensen as he slept.
He sighs and turns away from the window.
"Man, I'm starving. Imma go find something to eat. You want me to pick you anything up?"
Jensen lifts his gaze from the newspaper and fixes Jared with a disbelieving look.
"I know you've noticed the war going on out there," he says slowly. "So I'm kind of confused why you'd be suggesting taking such an unnecessary risk, especially when you must have already filled your daily quota for unnecessary risks back at the compound."
Jared ponders the possibility that Jensen will still be making snarky remarks about Jared's behaviour in the compound in fifty years time, should they live that long. He thinks maybe if Jensen's planning something like that, it'd be nice for Jensen to warn him so he can go kill himself now. Because it's getting old.
"Because I was planning on making it home for dinner today, that's why," Jared says. "And 'cause I get mean when I'm hungry, sweetheart. Don't worry, I'll be careful."
Apparently the 'mean' threat is adequate to scare Jensen into giving up on the argument. He resumes reading the newspaper and studiously ignoring Jared, which seems to be his new, favourite hobby. Jared shrugs and leaves him to it. Once he has food, the case of neurotoxin and Jensen in the same room, all will be well in the world.
:::
Halfway down the stairs, it occurs to Jared that Jensen didn't actually answer the question of whether he wanted anything or not. He really thinks Jensen should eat something, because ISA may say they're coming for them, but anything could happen to leave the two of them stranded here longer than expected and Jensen will need his strength.
It's not like he can't choose something for Jensen but he doesn't want to give Jensen the chance of refusing to eat by picking something he doesn't like.
So he turns on his heel and heads back up to the room. But before he can open the door, he hears Jensen's voice. And Jared doesn't like eavesdropping but it's kind of… trained into him. It's what he does.
"-Can't have been deliberate," Jensen says. "Several agents from Intelligence gave me the information, there was no single source to be corrupted this time… No, ma'am, I don't believe the idea's occurred to him… Yes, ma'am… Yes, ma'am, I'll make sure of it."
The call ends and Jared hears Jensen throw the cellphone down. He nudges the door open. Jensen looks up at him and he can’t hide the flicker of shock that goes over his face, the instinctive catch of his lower lip between his teeth, or the roll of his throat that Jared would find completely fascinating if Jensen weren't so obviously caught-out.
"Why would it be deliberate?" says Jared. "Why would you think someone might be deliberately feeding you the wrong info?"
The time it takes Jared to ask the question is all Jensen needs to regain his composure. He's looking back at the newspaper, apparently checking his horoscope of all things.
"No one thinks it's deliberate. It's just one of the questions that has to be asked when things go wrong."
Jared wants to believe him. He does. Because if Jensen's keeping things from him, then it's bad. But Jared's been burnt before and if his gut is telling him Jensen's lying then that's what he's gonna go with.
"Tell me the truth, Jensen."
The bastard looks up at him with a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his lips. He regards Jared with patient amusement.
"I know paranoia's part of the job description, but you might want to save it for something bigger than standard bureaucracy."
Maybe it's because Jared's paid such close attention to Jensen in the time they've worked together, watched him so very intently, but he can't believe Jensen. There's something vaguely off. He takes a step towards Jensen, and finds he has to fold his arms over his chest before he has no choice but to touch Jensen, to grab him and hold him down and force him to tell the truth.
Jensen recoils ever so slightly, and Jared stops where he is.
"Stop lying to me. And tell me what's going on."
For a long moment, Jensen just stares at him, speculative and wary. Jared hangs tightly onto his temper, refuses to betray even the slightest hint of how frustrated he is. How betrayed he feels.
Then Jensen's tongue flickers over his lips, and he swallows again. He keeps unseeing eyes on the newspaper as he speaks.
"For some time now, ISA has been aware of a serious security breach in the branch, working for the Coalition. We have no idea where it's coming from. It could be as high as the executives or it could be some clerk who's found a way of accessing info they shouldn't have. We just don't know."
"Why the hell wouldn't you tell me something like this?"
Jensen darts a glance up at him through long, lowered lashes.
"We didn't want you distracted from your assignments with thinking too much about potential sabotage. That's just what they want. They want you not thinking right."
Instinctively, Jared moves in closer, and, detachedly, he notes how Jensen forces himself not to react this time. He pushes aside the thought of how still and serious and scared Jensen is.
"Why are they coming after me?"
Jensen blinks at him and an incredulous little smile twists his lips.
"You're kidding, right? Jared, you're exceptional. Do you have any idea the amount of bartering and calling in of favours and bullying that ISA had to do to secure your services? Everyone wants you working for them. And with you, ISA can make real progress in shutting down the Coalition." Jensen laughs shortly and shrugs. "Of course they're gonna be coming after you."
"And you still didn't think this was information I should have? So I could, maybe, y'know, protect myself?"
And Jensen looks him in the eyes and says, "It's my job to protect you."
Which is kind of sweet, as well as completely ridiculous. Jared turns away from Jensen because he can't think straight when Jensen's looking at him like that. Through the window, he can see the fires are still raging in the city. He waits until he thinks he can sound reasonable again before speaking.
"Look, not that I don't appreciate it," he says, "but I've known you about three months. And it's not that I don't trust you but I prefer to look after myself. I can trust myself to do a bang-up job of keeping me alive, and that's how I like it."
Jensen's mouth snaps closed. He stands up and crosses to the window, fingertips of one hand pressing to the pane like he thinks he can just push straight through. His shoulders are tight, hunched almost defensively.
Jared doesn't know if that means the conversation's over or if Jensen's gathering his strength for another round. Eventually, Jensen lets out a breath, and turns back around to face Jared.
"When the Coalition murdered my agent, I was sitting in a room, a few miles away, listening through the comms.-link. They flooded the room he was in with poison gas and there was nothing I could besides keep him company while his internal organs turned to liquid. ISA gave you to me because they knew there was no way in hell I was going to lose another agent to the Coalition."
He closes the distance between him and Jared, and his hand makes an abortive little twitch, as he starts to reach out to touch Jared before stopping himself.
"You took some pretty stupid risks in getting me out alive back there. Don't think for one minute that I wouldn't take those same kinds of risks for you."
:::
Neither of them is sleeping. They've left the lamp on and the dull orange glow of it illuminates a small circle of the room, but it's nothing compared to the frequent flashes of light at the window. The fighting's moving closer.
Jared counts the interval between flashes while he watches the ceiling, like he's waiting for the storm to sweep over them. It feels more productive than the hour he put into studying the curve of Jensen's back.
Jensen has the case with him, his arm curled over it protectively, where he's lying on his bed.
It's two o'clock in the morning, four hours since they last spoke.
"I'm sorry," Jensen says. "I should have told you."
"Sure," says Jared.
"I mean it," says Jensen.
"Yeah," says Jared.
There's a silence that lasts approximately another four hours.
"I'm sorry about your agent, man," says Jared.
"It was a long time ago," Jensen says, after a moment's pause.
It's about the most devoid of emotion Jared's ever heard Jensen, and he gets now that Jensen being blank isn't a good thing. He considers Jensen's spine for a while longer, the curve of which is oddly transfixing, and then rolls to his feet.
Jensen's bedframe squeaks as Jared settles his weight on it, just behind Jensen, and fits himself to that curve of Jensen's back. He lays a hand on Jensen's bicep, and presses his face into the crook of Jensen's neck, lips resting over the shiver of Jensen's pulse. He holds him in wordless comfort.
Jensen has gone rigid against him, not even breathing, though his pulse has picked up, hard and panicked under Jared's mouth.
"I wasn't going for the sympathy vote to get you to forgive me," says Jensen. "We don't have to snuggle."
"This isn't snuggling," says Jared, snuggling closer. "This is… this is me helping protect the case."
Jensen's silent and unmoving for a long moment, and Jared readies himself for a snarky remark or, more likely, an elbow to the ribs. But when Jensen moves, he's not moving away - he's rolling over onto his other side to look at Jared.
His gaze searches Jared's face, and his body lies flush alongside Jared's, just close enough for the friction when he moves to be all kinds of interesting. Pale in the washed-out light of approaching dawn, the expression on Jensen's face is inexplicably sharp.
Jared wants to question what exactly the look means, but the intimacy of the moment wipes his mind clear, and before Jared can even think about what he's doing, he's leaning in and kissing Jensen slowly. Jensen's lips part against his and Jared takes the invitation, and pushes closer. He cups Jensen's cheek in his palm, tilts his face up for more kissing, and Jensen's hips roll into his and the sudden contact is all it takes for Jared to lose what little self-restraint he was demonstrating.
He uses Jensen's belt-loops to haul him closer, his fingers dipping below Jensen's waistband, over the taut skin of his belly. Jensen hooks his leg over Jared's hips, heel pressing into the small of Jared's back, and Jared draws in a sticky, wet breath against Jensen's mouth, his lips buzzing.
"Jared… Jared, this is a bad idea, okay? You know that, don't you?" Jensen murmurs, right before he bites down hard on the firm line of Jared's jaw, then sucks like he's trying to mark Jared up. It hurts and it's hot and Jared grinds harder into Jensen's body. "Tell me you know it's a bad idea."
One of Jared's hands is hanging onto Jensen's belt-loops, keeping him held tight against Jared's body, while his other hand is determinedly working Jensen's t-shirt up over his belly, and all while Jared's mouth presses desperately greedy kisses to whatever inch of Jensen's bare skin it can reach.
So whereas he's aware that Jensen's speaking, he's not exactly paying attention. Not until Jensen forces him to by trying to push him away.
"Yeah, yeah," Jared says instantly. "Fucking horrible idea. No fucking idea why the hell we're being so stupid."
And then Jensen's hip starts to vibrate, and while Jared knows he's good, people's hips don't usually start vibrating just with a little making out, so Jared thinks he maybe he ought to pause for a second and see what's going on, tempting as it is to just keep kissing Jensen and hope the problem goes away.
He gives Jensen just enough room to wriggle his hand into his jeans pocket and pull out his cellphone. Still breathless, Jensen looks at the tiny screen, then frowns slightly at Jared.
"ISA's gonna be here in ten minutes."
Jared sighs and allows Jensen to squirm out from under him. While Jensen disappears into the bathroom to splash water on his face and try to make himself look a little less dishevelled, Jared wonders if turning double-agent in response to such cockblocking is an unreasonable response.
part eight
Someone you might have been
Secret agent!Jared/handler!Jensen... in close quarters.
part six
The spread of the civil war means Jared and Jensen can do nothing except get a room at a hotel in the city and wait until ISA can get through to pull them out. There's fighting in the streets but there are still bars open, and the reverberating thunder of shelling is a backdrop to the chattering of the imported sitcom showing on the tiny TV in the hotel foyer. It's a surreal kind of chaos.
Jared looks out of the dirty window that stretches ceiling to floor, watches the fires in the city burn in the night and the occasional flash of nearby gunfire. He glances back at the case holding five vials of one of the most virulent chemical weapons ever created. It looks fairly innocuous: pretty and green, and Jensen's fingertips rest on it even as he scans the pages of the newspaper he's found.
"Looks pretty crazy out there," Jared says.
"Even if we were too much of a risk to pick up, they have to come for this case," Jensen says briskly, without even looking up at him.
Jared gets the feeling Jensen is none too thrilled to be sharing a room with him. It probably hasn't helped that even though there are two beds, the room's still too small for there to be much distance between them. Still, it's only one night, and if Jared didn't think Jensen was still furious with him about disregarding orders earlier, he'd make some crack about acting the gentleman and promise not to molest Jensen as he slept.
He sighs and turns away from the window.
"Man, I'm starving. Imma go find something to eat. You want me to pick you anything up?"
Jensen lifts his gaze from the newspaper and fixes Jared with a disbelieving look.
"I know you've noticed the war going on out there," he says slowly. "So I'm kind of confused why you'd be suggesting taking such an unnecessary risk, especially when you must have already filled your daily quota for unnecessary risks back at the compound."
Jared ponders the possibility that Jensen will still be making snarky remarks about Jared's behaviour in the compound in fifty years time, should they live that long. He thinks maybe if Jensen's planning something like that, it'd be nice for Jensen to warn him so he can go kill himself now. Because it's getting old.
"Because I was planning on making it home for dinner today, that's why," Jared says. "And 'cause I get mean when I'm hungry, sweetheart. Don't worry, I'll be careful."
Apparently the 'mean' threat is adequate to scare Jensen into giving up on the argument. He resumes reading the newspaper and studiously ignoring Jared, which seems to be his new, favourite hobby. Jared shrugs and leaves him to it. Once he has food, the case of neurotoxin and Jensen in the same room, all will be well in the world.
:::
Halfway down the stairs, it occurs to Jared that Jensen didn't actually answer the question of whether he wanted anything or not. He really thinks Jensen should eat something, because ISA may say they're coming for them, but anything could happen to leave the two of them stranded here longer than expected and Jensen will need his strength.
It's not like he can't choose something for Jensen but he doesn't want to give Jensen the chance of refusing to eat by picking something he doesn't like.
So he turns on his heel and heads back up to the room. But before he can open the door, he hears Jensen's voice. And Jared doesn't like eavesdropping but it's kind of… trained into him. It's what he does.
"-Can't have been deliberate," Jensen says. "Several agents from Intelligence gave me the information, there was no single source to be corrupted this time… No, ma'am, I don't believe the idea's occurred to him… Yes, ma'am… Yes, ma'am, I'll make sure of it."
The call ends and Jared hears Jensen throw the cellphone down. He nudges the door open. Jensen looks up at him and he can’t hide the flicker of shock that goes over his face, the instinctive catch of his lower lip between his teeth, or the roll of his throat that Jared would find completely fascinating if Jensen weren't so obviously caught-out.
"Why would it be deliberate?" says Jared. "Why would you think someone might be deliberately feeding you the wrong info?"
The time it takes Jared to ask the question is all Jensen needs to regain his composure. He's looking back at the newspaper, apparently checking his horoscope of all things.
"No one thinks it's deliberate. It's just one of the questions that has to be asked when things go wrong."
Jared wants to believe him. He does. Because if Jensen's keeping things from him, then it's bad. But Jared's been burnt before and if his gut is telling him Jensen's lying then that's what he's gonna go with.
"Tell me the truth, Jensen."
The bastard looks up at him with a hint of a smile playing at the corners of his lips. He regards Jared with patient amusement.
"I know paranoia's part of the job description, but you might want to save it for something bigger than standard bureaucracy."
Maybe it's because Jared's paid such close attention to Jensen in the time they've worked together, watched him so very intently, but he can't believe Jensen. There's something vaguely off. He takes a step towards Jensen, and finds he has to fold his arms over his chest before he has no choice but to touch Jensen, to grab him and hold him down and force him to tell the truth.
Jensen recoils ever so slightly, and Jared stops where he is.
"Stop lying to me. And tell me what's going on."
For a long moment, Jensen just stares at him, speculative and wary. Jared hangs tightly onto his temper, refuses to betray even the slightest hint of how frustrated he is. How betrayed he feels.
Then Jensen's tongue flickers over his lips, and he swallows again. He keeps unseeing eyes on the newspaper as he speaks.
"For some time now, ISA has been aware of a serious security breach in the branch, working for the Coalition. We have no idea where it's coming from. It could be as high as the executives or it could be some clerk who's found a way of accessing info they shouldn't have. We just don't know."
"Why the hell wouldn't you tell me something like this?"
Jensen darts a glance up at him through long, lowered lashes.
"We didn't want you distracted from your assignments with thinking too much about potential sabotage. That's just what they want. They want you not thinking right."
Instinctively, Jared moves in closer, and, detachedly, he notes how Jensen forces himself not to react this time. He pushes aside the thought of how still and serious and scared Jensen is.
"Why are they coming after me?"
Jensen blinks at him and an incredulous little smile twists his lips.
"You're kidding, right? Jared, you're exceptional. Do you have any idea the amount of bartering and calling in of favours and bullying that ISA had to do to secure your services? Everyone wants you working for them. And with you, ISA can make real progress in shutting down the Coalition." Jensen laughs shortly and shrugs. "Of course they're gonna be coming after you."
"And you still didn't think this was information I should have? So I could, maybe, y'know, protect myself?"
And Jensen looks him in the eyes and says, "It's my job to protect you."
Which is kind of sweet, as well as completely ridiculous. Jared turns away from Jensen because he can't think straight when Jensen's looking at him like that. Through the window, he can see the fires are still raging in the city. He waits until he thinks he can sound reasonable again before speaking.
"Look, not that I don't appreciate it," he says, "but I've known you about three months. And it's not that I don't trust you but I prefer to look after myself. I can trust myself to do a bang-up job of keeping me alive, and that's how I like it."
Jensen's mouth snaps closed. He stands up and crosses to the window, fingertips of one hand pressing to the pane like he thinks he can just push straight through. His shoulders are tight, hunched almost defensively.
Jared doesn't know if that means the conversation's over or if Jensen's gathering his strength for another round. Eventually, Jensen lets out a breath, and turns back around to face Jared.
"When the Coalition murdered my agent, I was sitting in a room, a few miles away, listening through the comms.-link. They flooded the room he was in with poison gas and there was nothing I could besides keep him company while his internal organs turned to liquid. ISA gave you to me because they knew there was no way in hell I was going to lose another agent to the Coalition."
He closes the distance between him and Jared, and his hand makes an abortive little twitch, as he starts to reach out to touch Jared before stopping himself.
"You took some pretty stupid risks in getting me out alive back there. Don't think for one minute that I wouldn't take those same kinds of risks for you."
:::
Neither of them is sleeping. They've left the lamp on and the dull orange glow of it illuminates a small circle of the room, but it's nothing compared to the frequent flashes of light at the window. The fighting's moving closer.
Jared counts the interval between flashes while he watches the ceiling, like he's waiting for the storm to sweep over them. It feels more productive than the hour he put into studying the curve of Jensen's back.
Jensen has the case with him, his arm curled over it protectively, where he's lying on his bed.
It's two o'clock in the morning, four hours since they last spoke.
"I'm sorry," Jensen says. "I should have told you."
"Sure," says Jared.
"I mean it," says Jensen.
"Yeah," says Jared.
There's a silence that lasts approximately another four hours.
"I'm sorry about your agent, man," says Jared.
"It was a long time ago," Jensen says, after a moment's pause.
It's about the most devoid of emotion Jared's ever heard Jensen, and he gets now that Jensen being blank isn't a good thing. He considers Jensen's spine for a while longer, the curve of which is oddly transfixing, and then rolls to his feet.
Jensen's bedframe squeaks as Jared settles his weight on it, just behind Jensen, and fits himself to that curve of Jensen's back. He lays a hand on Jensen's bicep, and presses his face into the crook of Jensen's neck, lips resting over the shiver of Jensen's pulse. He holds him in wordless comfort.
Jensen has gone rigid against him, not even breathing, though his pulse has picked up, hard and panicked under Jared's mouth.
"I wasn't going for the sympathy vote to get you to forgive me," says Jensen. "We don't have to snuggle."
"This isn't snuggling," says Jared, snuggling closer. "This is… this is me helping protect the case."
Jensen's silent and unmoving for a long moment, and Jared readies himself for a snarky remark or, more likely, an elbow to the ribs. But when Jensen moves, he's not moving away - he's rolling over onto his other side to look at Jared.
His gaze searches Jared's face, and his body lies flush alongside Jared's, just close enough for the friction when he moves to be all kinds of interesting. Pale in the washed-out light of approaching dawn, the expression on Jensen's face is inexplicably sharp.
Jared wants to question what exactly the look means, but the intimacy of the moment wipes his mind clear, and before Jared can even think about what he's doing, he's leaning in and kissing Jensen slowly. Jensen's lips part against his and Jared takes the invitation, and pushes closer. He cups Jensen's cheek in his palm, tilts his face up for more kissing, and Jensen's hips roll into his and the sudden contact is all it takes for Jared to lose what little self-restraint he was demonstrating.
He uses Jensen's belt-loops to haul him closer, his fingers dipping below Jensen's waistband, over the taut skin of his belly. Jensen hooks his leg over Jared's hips, heel pressing into the small of Jared's back, and Jared draws in a sticky, wet breath against Jensen's mouth, his lips buzzing.
"Jared… Jared, this is a bad idea, okay? You know that, don't you?" Jensen murmurs, right before he bites down hard on the firm line of Jared's jaw, then sucks like he's trying to mark Jared up. It hurts and it's hot and Jared grinds harder into Jensen's body. "Tell me you know it's a bad idea."
One of Jared's hands is hanging onto Jensen's belt-loops, keeping him held tight against Jared's body, while his other hand is determinedly working Jensen's t-shirt up over his belly, and all while Jared's mouth presses desperately greedy kisses to whatever inch of Jensen's bare skin it can reach.
So whereas he's aware that Jensen's speaking, he's not exactly paying attention. Not until Jensen forces him to by trying to push him away.
"Yeah, yeah," Jared says instantly. "Fucking horrible idea. No fucking idea why the hell we're being so stupid."
And then Jensen's hip starts to vibrate, and while Jared knows he's good, people's hips don't usually start vibrating just with a little making out, so Jared thinks he maybe he ought to pause for a second and see what's going on, tempting as it is to just keep kissing Jensen and hope the problem goes away.
He gives Jensen just enough room to wriggle his hand into his jeans pocket and pull out his cellphone. Still breathless, Jensen looks at the tiny screen, then frowns slightly at Jared.
"ISA's gonna be here in ten minutes."
Jared sighs and allows Jensen to squirm out from under him. While Jensen disappears into the bathroom to splash water on his face and try to make himself look a little less dishevelled, Jared wonders if turning double-agent in response to such cockblocking is an unreasonable response.
part eight