Bulletproof: part nine
part eight
The network doesn't wait for the up-fronts to confirm a second season for Rites. Jared's not surprised. The network's been promoting the show pretty heavily and there's been a solid fanbase since about two episodes in. Rites has been 'must-see TV' for a while now. So, no, Jared's not surprised, but that doesn't mean the news doesn't leave him grinning.
To celebrate, the set shuts down early on Friday afternoon to give the cast and crew a long weekend to relax, before they come back to shoot the last couple of episodes and the finale. Jared has plans for that weekend, involving plenty of take-out, a stack of videogames and possibly not showering or getting out of his sweats the whole time.
However, it quickly becomes clear that he's expected to fly back to Los Angeles with the rest of the cast for some stupid party being thrown for them by the execs at the network. It's not really about celebrating the success, more about getting a few pictures of the cast all glammed up out for the press because the promo shots from the start of the season have been used too often already.
Jared really doesn't want to go. He desperately tries to come up with some excuse to get out of it but without any luck. He's one of the stars of the show and there's no way no one's going to notice his absence.
"Look," Mack says. "You have to make an appearance. But you don't have to spend the whole goddamn evening there. We'll go there, say our hellos and then sneak out." He nudges Jared with his shoulder and grins. "We'll make our own fun, right?"
It doesn't sound like the best plan Jared's ever heard but after forty goddamn minutes of various suits from the network finding various lame ways to jokily comment on just how tall Jared is, he's all too ready to go for it.
Once he's sitting beside Mack in his car, Jared tugs his tux's stupid bowtie untied and relishes his escape from the harsh lighting, lack of anything substantial to eat, and all the sparkling, vapid chatter. He only pays attention to where Mack's driving them when he realises they're pulling in outside the Beverly Hilton instead of Jared's place.
"Man, it's pretty late. I'm gonna have to call it a night," he says.
"Nope. Sorry. Night's not over yet."
When Mack gets out and hands his car keys to the valet, Jared doesn't have any choice but to climb out after him and follow him into the hotel. He gets an uneasy feeling when he realises Mack isn't checking in. Mack already has a key to a room. Half-jogging, Jared catches up with Mack in seconds and he feels even more unsettled by the wicked gleam in Mack's eyes. They're the only ones in the elevator and Jared waits for the doors to slide closed before he says anything.
"Mack, I'm not sure I'm too wild about any plans you've made that involve you bringing me back to your hotel room." He tries to keep his tone friendly and level but he's increasingly pissed off by the way Mack maneuvers him into situations and then overrides his protests.
Mack doesn't answer, just smirks and strides off down the passage once the elevator's come to a halt. Jared takes a deep, calming breath and seriously considers just turning around and walking out, getting a cab back to his own place and letting Mack throw whatever tantrum he likes. Then he remembers that he has to work with the guy and that Mack is seriously only trying to be friendly. Jared's an easygoing guy and Mack's not really doing any harm.
So he lets Mack haul him into his hotel room and takes the long-stemmed glass of champagne Mack thrusts at him with a smile that's almost genuine. He sits down on the couch and looks up at Mack, who's all but vibrating with excited energy. Jared sincerely hopes that this isn't going to get awkward.
"This is your plan?" Jared says. "Drinking champagne in your hotel room? Dude, I don't even like champagne."
"It's not my hotel room," says Mack. He turns his wrist over to check his watch, and something dark and icy tightens in Jared's belly. "S'just a room. Told you I wanted to say thank you, and this is how."
There's a light knock at the door and even as Jared's shaking his head and saying No, Mack, no, Mack's crossing the room to open the door. And life has a really fucked-up sense of humor because it's Jensen there, of course. Jensen, with the brick shithouse of a guy who's taken over Jared's job, and Jared thinks maybe he's drunk too much shitty champagne because his head is actually spinning.
Mack gestures them both in and for a second, Jensen hesitates, looks thrown. Then his minder's hand settles on his back to prod him into the room, and Jensen stumbles gracelessly before he can recover. Jared's hand is gripping the scrolled arm of the couch, his blunt nails pressing hard into the wood, and sat so far forward he's practically halfway to standing.
"Party for one, isn’t it?" the new guy says, his small-eyed gaze flicking between Mack and Jared. "You want your friend to play too, it'll cost you."
Jensen looks so fucking good and Jared feels a rush of shame - as if he's the one who called him here - and, oddly, a surge of humiliation for Jensen. Not once in the time Jared worked with him did he ever treat him like the new guy does: manhandling him and speaking for him, taking the business out of Jensen's hands and reducing him to a commodity that's his own to sell. And Jensen is letting him, looking away to the far wall and pretending he's not flushing and fidgeting while they figure out who's going to be fucking him. Jared can't take his eyes off Jensen, even though he's sure it can't be making it any easier for him.
Mack pulls his wallet from his pants pocket and raises an eyebrow at Jared. "How 'bout it? You wanna double-team him? Or do you want to go solo? It's my treat."
Both of them are looking to him, only Jensen's silently watching the wall, finally having achieved the image of unconcerned indifference. His body feeling strangely unlike his own, Jared gets to his feet and shakes his head. His tongue is thick in his mouth and words are hard to shape but he gets them out eventually.
"I don't want this. Mack, you shouldn't have done this."
"This is gonna be awesome, and you're not getting out of it," Mack says, still looking supremely pleased with himself. He pushes at Jared's chest and topples him back onto the couch. "Whatever hang-ups you've got about fucking a hooker, I'm not gonna let them get in the way of you getting laid good and proper. Like I said, this is a thank-you present and I'm gonna be pissed if you don’t accept." He glances over at Jensen and says, "You'll make sure he has a good time, right?"
Now he's got no choice but to pay some attention, Jensen sinks into the kind of lazy charm Jared's all too familiar with. He flashes his teeth at Mack in a smile, cocking one hip towards him.
"Sure I will."
"There, settled," says Mack. He waves a hand dismissively at Jensen's guy. "C'mon then, out out out. Let's give Jenny some space to do his thing."
He flashes Jared an obscene wink before he's gone and then it's just Jared and Jensen. The silence is fragile and uncomfortable. Jensen turns and glances about the room, as if he hasn't seen pretty much every suite in pretty much every expensive hotel in Los Angeles. Jared stays where he is, half-perched on the couch, his heartbeat jarring his whole damn body.
"So how's this for awkward?" Jensen says, warm and amused. He pours himself a glass of champagne and raises an eyebrow at Jared. "You mind?"
It takes Jared a second to get his brain in gear and work out what Jensen's asking him. Then he shakes his head and watches the elegant column of Jensen's throat ripple as he takes a long swallow of champagne. Once the glass is empty, Jensen puts it back down on the side and glances back at Jared.
"I thought the appointment was with him. I wouldn't have done this on purpose."
Jared nods once and then manages, "I know."
The shadows in the room shift and he looks up to find Jensen standing in front of him, head tilted to one side and his fingers moving to the buttons on his black shirt. There's a smile on his face that Jared can't quite read. You know you want me, the smile says but that's not all it's saying. It's a professional smile but it's gone crooked somehow.
"So, I'm all bought up and paid for, you wanna…?" He shrugs and twists a shirt button open, exposing smooth, lightly freckled skin that Jared can remember running his tongue over. "For old times' sake or something?"
It feels like a punch to the gut, both the suggestion and the careless way Jensen makes it. Jared stares up at him, hating him and wanting him all at once, then shakes his head furiously, jaw tight.
"No, I don't want to."
Jensen shrugs, apparently unaffected by the rejection, and refills his glass. "Suit yourself. It's your boyfriend's dollar. Or, thousands of dollars."
"He's not my boyfriend," Jared grits out.
Jensen swirls the drink in his glass, the bubbles sparkling pale gold in the light, and smirks at him. "Yeah, I know." When Jared's eyes widen, Jensen shrugs again and sits down, cross-legged on the bed. "I called Tom Welling. Thought if your boyfriend was fucking a whore, you should be made aware of it. Call it professional courtesy."
Reaching around, he plumps the cushions on the bed and leans back against them comfortably. "I was kinda relieved to hear it because Mack's got a reputation for stabbing people in the back, y'know. Not to mention he's a lousy lay. Someone oughta tell him that the ability to pump away for fucking hours, heavy-breathing, does not make for an exciting fuck."
When Jared doesn’t answer, Jensen wrinkles his nose and flicks the TV on. He crosses his legs at the ankle and props his glass up on his chest as he starts channel-surfing. After a second, when Jared just goes on staring at him, Jensen looks back at him.
"This all right? 'Cause, if we're not gonna fuck, I'm not sure how else you want me to pass the time." His eyes light up and he sits forward, pointing at Jared. "Hey, you still doing your Sudoku? You find time for-"
"Why are you being like this?" Jared says, his voice level but raised in order to talk over him.
"Like what?" Jensen gestures helplessly. "If you've changed your mind, that's fine, Jay. You just gotta tell me what you want."
When he turns the TV off again, Jared hates the quality of the silence, is almost intimidated by it. He has nothing to distract himself from the quickening sound of his own breathing and his heartbeat in his ears as Jensen climbs from the bed and crosses towards him, all sinuous grace. It's pathetic - horrifying - how easily he reacts to Jensen.
He sees what's about to happen just a second too late to stop it: Jensen sinks to his knees between Jared's spread thighs, and he's right there.
"You missed my mouth, baby? You missed fucking me? I've missed having that gorgeous, thick cock of yours in my ass, filling me up so good. C'mon, Jay, for old times' sake, yeah? Give me a good, hard fuck. Please, baby, want it so much. Nobody fucks me like you do."
His voice is pitched low and sweet, talking Jared hard like only he's ever been able to. And Jared can't catch his breath but he knows Jensen too well to be fooled. He'd love to believe that Jensen means every word he's saying but he's heard that tone of voice before, heard it for Frank and Quentin and Carl and Nick fucking Buxcey and all the rest. Jared is his client.
"No," he chokes out. He pushes at Jensen's shoulder so he can get up and past him, and Jensen sprawls backwards, propped up on his elbows, legs spread and easy. Arousal, bitter and unwanted but potent all the same, surges through Jared, turning his blood too hot. "No, I'm not like them. I'm fucking not."
Jensen doesn't make any move to stand up, just lies there. His expression shifts from smouldering allure to something much sharper, and decidedly more genuine.
"Oh don't fool yourself, Jay. You can be just like them." His smirk is pointed and ugly. "You fucked me over and then you walked out. And I didn't even get paid."
"That's… that's not what happened! What happened was that I finally realised you were going to keep putting yourself in dangerous situations and letting people hurt you, and I was expected not to do a damn thing about it!"
"And what did you want to do?" Jensen demands, finally getting to his feet, an angry flush in his cheeks and his whole body wound tight. "You wanted to beat the rest of them half to death, like you did Nick Buxcey? Because yeah, I admit it, I expected you not to physically assault my fucking clients!"
"He was trying to kill you!" Jared snarls. "What was I supposed to do? Wait and see if he actually went through with it and strangled you to death before I pulled him off you? You could have died, and I'm not sorry that I stepped in. Not then, not now. Because even if you think I was a fucking idiot, at least you're alive."
Jensen throws his hands up in surrender and turns away, shaking his head in exasperated disgust. "Yeah, yeah, you saved my life, whatever. It was just trash-talking, Jared, but have it your way. Doesn’t fucking matter." He briskly redoes the buttons on his shirt. "Make sure Mack doesn't pull another little stunt like this, yeah? He's not paying me enough for me to argue with your stupid, stubborn ass."
He heads towards the door, pausing before he leaves only to say, "Great show, by the way. Haven't missed an episode," in a tone that Jared doesn't think he can take as anything other than mockery.
Jared stares after him until the adrenaline pumping through his system has faded into slightly sickly weakness. His cock is still persistently half-hard and Jared growls and wills it to get with the freaking program. Still angry and upset and just a little aroused despite it all, Jared snatches up the bottle of champagne and drains what's left in it. He splutters and spits because he really doesn't like champagne but he's in desperate need of the alcohol.
:::
Right up until the flight back up to Vancouver, Jared is able to avoid Mack. It's in everyone's best interests for Jared to keep away because he thinks that if he sees Mack there's a very strong chance that Jared will murder him into tiny little bloody pieces. And Jared's a peace-loving guy and he doesn't like bad vibes and he thinks murdering Mack will most likely cause bad vibes so it's best he stays away.
He spends the rest of his time in Los Angeles hiding out at Chad's place. Chad calls him a pussy, says he can't understand why Jared didn't take the fuck from Jensen that Mack had bought for him. He also gets Jared very drunk and then keeps him company in the bathroom, while Jared is spewing his guts up down the toilet, and gives him a running monologue on just what a dumb fuck Jared is, and also occasionally giving him water to drink.
But then Jared has no possible way of ignoring Mack when they're sitting next to each other on the plane - not any way that would allow him to maintain his dignity that is.
"Dude, where have you been?" Mack demands. "I've been waiting for details! So c'mon, I was right, wasn't I? He totally blew your mind, right?"
"I don't wanna talk about it. And I really don't want you doing something like that again." When Mack laughs and claps him on the shoulder, Jared gives him a very long, very serious look that kills the words before he can speak them. "I mean it. Don't."
Mack blinks, all wide, shocked blue eyes and stupidly slack lips. Feeling as if maybe he's pushed a little too hard, Jared squirms in his seat and tries rearranging his legs, which are already cramping in the inadequate space allowed for them.
Eventually, Mack sinks back into his own seat and stares straight ahead, his expression still stunned.
"It was a gift, Jared. And you could at least tell me whether it worked out or not because, if he didn't do his job properly, I'm gonna call for a goddamn refund."
His tone is petulant, maybe even a little hurt, and it's the only thing that keeps Jared from pounding his fucking head in. Instead, Jared takes a deep breath and thinks calming thoughts. He cannot make this into a big deal. For his sake and for Jensen's.
So as reasonably and evenly as he can, he says, "He did his job. Did it just fine. I just don't want to go into any detail, okay?"
"Fine," Mack says, still sounding mildly peeved. He hesitates, chewing at his lower lip, then shoots Jared a sidelong look. "You do him from behind? Or on top? Or did he fuck you? Did you fuck his mouth? Because his mouth is fucking designed to have dick in it."
His words wobble off into laughter and he's holding his hands up in surrender, like he thinks Jared's only thinking about punching him in the arm rather than knocking every single goddamn one of his teeth down his throat.
:::
There's a lot to get done before they break for summer and Jared gladly throws himself into the work. He doesn't avoid Mack but he doesn't go looking for him either. Justin and Brooke are openly a couple now, which takes some of the spotlight off of Jared, for which he's very grateful.
He goes back to spending most of his time with the crew or with Mike, Tom and the rest of the Smallville guys. First chance he gets, he pulls Tom aside and scowls at him. And Tom may be tall, but Jared is taller, plus he's been hitting the gym pretty regularly so now he's totally stacked as well. His scowl is so damn impressive he doesn't need to say a word to get Tom talking.
"He just wanted to know if the rumors about you and Mack were true. You'd already told me they weren't." Tom pries his shirtfront out of Jared's fist. "I didn't see any harm in telling him that."
"You could have told me he'd called!"
Tom shakes his head, cheeks reddening a little. "Professional courtesy, Jared. He was doing you a favor and I didn't wanna embarrass him about it."
"He was checking up on me!"
Jared immediately regrets saying it because the look on Tom's face is suddenly so goddamn sympathetic it makes Jared feel like a complete idiot. He doesn't know what to say to tidy it up. All this dumb shit with Mack only happened because of Jensen. Jared did it because of Jensen and now it all feels so juvenile and he doesn't know how he could mess up so bad.
"Maybe a little," Tom says. His tone is horribly gentle. "But… You walked out on him, Jared. And Jensen… well, he's got his pride. He doesn't want to make things difficult for you, Jared. I know that. But, if I know him at all, I'm guessing he's drawn a line under the whole thing."
Jared's gaze snaps to Tom's face and Tom backs up a step at the intensity of it. He glances surreptitiously over at where Mike, Allison and Erica are drinking and talking together, then looks back at Jared.
"It's for the best. You know it is. There are enough ways to destroy your career without throwing in a relationship with a hooker. Someone like Mack gets a hold of that and you can bet he'd know exactly what to do with the information."
Leaving him with a meaningful look, Tom goes over to join the others. Jared doesn't follow immediately. He stays at the edge of the bar, something cold and unsettled clenching in the pit of his belly. The beer he's already drunk has done nothing towards relaxing him.
It's like hearing the distant rumble of thunder and wondering if the storm's coming his way or rolling off.
:::
Moody and mysterious, Damian is the youngest of the Cartwright brothers, and you voted him your favorite in the sci-fi/horror/fantasy genre! His loyalties are ambiguous and rumor has it that he's keeping something central to the Cartwright family secret under wraps. With a second season of Rites recently confirmed, this tall, dark and handsome hottie is definitely one to watch!
(The man behind the mystic, Jared Padalecki, scored a phenomenal 63% of the votes in the Sexiest Man category and swept in to first place! Turn to page 8 to find out more about this rising star…)
The magazine crumples into a million creases as Jared's fist grows tight around it. He brings the fist, still clenched around the magazine, up and slams it into his forehead a few times. Maybe later, he'll feel a rush of pride - absolute fucking delight - because this? Is a big deal. These aren't some little piss poor polls. These are gonna get him noticed.
Except, Mack's going to notice them too. And Mack is going to take it very badly indeed. Jared could probably have taken Best Newcomer without Mack throwing a fit but these two categories are undoubtedly considered Mack's territory.
So his plan is to hide out in his trailer until someone comes to physically remove him from it.
He's been here for two and a half hours. He's successfully ignored Brooke knocking on the door and calling out congratulations. And he successfully ignored her coming back with Nathan and Justin in tow and them all slamming their hands on the door. They tried rattling the door handle but Jared's got it wedged shut.
So far, he's had four cups of coffee and a whole econo-sized bag of Twizzlers. It's not a healthy diet but he's kind of hoping it'll kill him before Mack comes to find him.
Because, here's the thing, if Mack were just going to outright threaten him, Jared could handle it. An outright threat gets an offer of an outright ass-kicking. But from everything Jared's heard, he's guessing Mack isn't going to go the direct route. And he doesn't have a plan for dealing with what Mack's gonna come up with.
He still hasn't got a plan when, fifty minutes later, he hears footsteps outside, a knock on the door and Mack's voice saying, "Hey, Jared. We gotta talk, 'kay?"
There's a moment where Jared thinks he might give ignoring that a try too. But Mack isn't going anywhere and in a sudden rush of stubborn defiance, Jared gets up, kicks the wedge free and opens the door. Mack's got a copy of the magazine in his hand and his smile isn't the one Jared's come to know.
He brushes past Jared and Jared doesn't fight him. Jared's shoulders sag as he sighs, looking out across the lot as they set up for the next scene. Then he turns, goes into the trailer and closes the door behind him.
Mack sits down on the couch but doesn't settle. He waits while Jared arranges himself leant up against the wall, arms folded, and then lays the magazine down on the floor by his feet.
"Guess I should say congratulations," Mack says finally. Even his voice sounds different. Older, more restrained. Jared almost misses the other Mack, annoying, spoiled brat that he was. He guesses this version he's seeing now is the genuine article, which is more disappointing than it should be.
"Thanks."
Mack nudges the magazine with his toe and nods. "So look, here's the thing…" He isn't smiling anymore when he looks up at Jared. "I've been hearing how awesome you are since before we even started shooting the pilot. Everyone's saying you're the next big thing. And it sucks, man. For me, I mean. I've worked hard to get where I am and to have some total unknown walk in and put me in the shade? Not cool."
He looks at Jared expectantly and Jared hopes he's not waiting for an apology because he's gonna be waiting a hell of a long time for that. Eventually, he shrugs and goes back to looking at his hands where they rest neatly on his thighs.
"It's not just about being a good actor, or being good-looking. You wanna get anywhere in this business, you sometimes gotta do ugly things." Mack flicks a look up at Jared, who remains silent, and then away again. "So… I called that prostitute you went to see."
Jared's spine snaps straight. He's heading for Mack before he even realises it and it's only when Mack's shrinking back against the couch, alarmed, that he manages to catch himself and stop. There's a fine, angry tremble going through him. He can't let go of it.
"Wait, hear me out," Mack says, holding up a hand that's both beseeching and defensive. "It's worked before for me. And I was looking for something to… well, to make you consider whether you really wanted to sign up for a second season."
Jared still doesn't trust himself to speak, or even to move. If he tries to interact with Mack in any way he's going to end up hurting him. Clearly disconcerted by Jared's continuing silence, Mack lets out a little breath and scrapes his fingers through his hair.
"Not that sex scandals always end a career but you're just starting out and besides, s'not like you want mom and dad back home to know you've been paying to put your cock up some guy's ass, right?" He gives a quick laugh. "So I called him up and offered him money, probably more than he'd make in a month, to give me anything he could on you. I said I wouldn't let it get out that he was the source or anything like that. Just had to give me something genuine that I could use."
Jared's ribs seem abruptly too small for his heart. Mack cocks his head at him and his smile, there and gone in a moment, is radiant.
"You know what he told me?" Mack laughs and leans back on the couch, hands laced behind his head. "He told me that if he heard even a rumor about you fucking hookers, he'd assume it was my fault and he'd tell my parents all about him and me. He said he'd tell my parents, Jared! And my agent and anyone else he could get to listen to him. So apparently now I'm responsible for keeping your sex life out of the gossip pages, dude!"
Jared blinks, and Mack laughs again, faintly hysterical.
"Yeah, that's what I thought! I have a fucking prostitute threatening to tell my mom and dad that I-" He breaks off, a blush covering his cheeks, his own indiscretions obviously fairly colorful. "You must be one hell of a lay, man. I can't believe I paid for you to get your very own fanboy whore!"
It wasn't exactly like Jared had expected Jensen to sell him out but the counter-offensive leaves him feeling a little giddy. It's a warm flush of pleasure right through him to imagine Jensen defending him like that. And yeah, maybe Tom or Jensen would pass it off as good business practice not to rat out your clients, even to each other, but it doesn't change the fact that Jensen not only turned down the money, he protected Jared.
Mack's still grinning, watching Jared. He picks the magazine up and straightens out the pages.
"Which kind of leaves me in this weird position of not being able to stab you in the back like I usually do," he says. "And… you know what? I'm actually pretty okay with that. You're a nice guy, Jared. You need to back off my territory and gimme my share of the glory but… you're a nice guy."
"So… you're not planning on screwing me over any way possible?" Jared says slowly, wondering if he's actually understood what Mack is saying beyond the fact Jensen defended him.
Mack pats him on the chest. "Not planning it in any way that might set Jensen off, no. Might still have to talk shit about you to any producers or guys like that, y'know. But… I do that anyway." He grins but it doesn't do anything to suggest that last part was a joke.
"That's… that's good to know," Jared says. He laughs but it's because he's still thinking about how Jensen must still care, just a little, to have reacted the way he did. "Thanks for that."
"Any time," Mack says obligingly. "Maybe you can thank me by showing me your awesome skills of prostitute-conversion some time." He pauses, the grin never leaving his face, then says, "Oh come on, you have to tell me. What the fuck did you do to that guy to get him on your side? I've seen him, like, five or six times now and he still likes you better than he likes my cash."
"Now if I told you that, he wouldn't be on my side anymore, now would he?"
:::
After the finale's all wrapped up, there's not much to do but for the cast and crew to slowly drift off to their respective homes.
Jared's not planning on even stopping by in Los Angeles. Sure he's got a place there, and Chad and Sandy are there, but Jared's yearning for San Antonio, for the safe and comfortable. Besides, Los Angeles will forever be inextricably tied up with Jensen and the ache hasn't gone away. Jared still misses him but somehow it's all got more complicated. The relationship's over but not, like the credits still rolling at the end of a movie.
And Jared figures the only thing he can do is give it time and keep the hell away.
Brooke hugs him and makes him promise to take care of himself. Nathan claps him on the back and tries to coax him round for a beer before his flight. Jared thanks him but declines and goes back to his hotel to pack. He's been happy on Rites and is looking forward to a second season but when he realises all he's taking back are some clothes and a few essentials, he kind of wonders if he's been wasting his time.
He calls his mom to say he's heading home when he's on his way to the airport and hearing her voice gives him a boost of energy. He's going to see his family, the people he cares about. And maybe he can get Chad and Sandy out to Texas for something, just so he can have all the people who matter to him in one place, and maybe that will make up for the gnawing worry inside him whenever he wonders how Jensen's getting on.
He's just getting in to the airport, one bag slung over his shoulder and another gripped in his hand, when his cellphone starts ringing again. He assumes it's going to be his mom, calling back to tell him that it'll be Megan picking him up instead of her or promising him pie at dinner.
It's Sandy.
"Jared? Uh, look, I don't wanna worry you but…"
The tremble in her voice is unmistakeable and it stops Jared dead in his tracks. He cradles the phone tighter to his ear, brow furrowed in concern.
"Sandy? What's happened? Are you okay?"
"It's probably nothing but… it all came out this morning and most of it's rumor and stuff but, just in case, I wanted to call and make sure you heard from me before you saw it in a newspaper or something."
"Sandy, talk to me. What's happened?"
There are people surging around him and Jared ducks out of their way, moving up against the wall so he can concentrate on what he's hearing.
"It's on the news," she says, more clearly and slower. "There was this guy, some therapist to the stars or something, and they found a body in the trunk of his car. Jared, they're saying it was a prostitute, a male prostitute. And the police have been all over this prostitution ring that this guy, the guy who's been killed, was part of."
Everything stops. Everything stops and goes cold and hollow. Jared tightens his grip on his cellphone because it's slipping away from him. It can't actually be happening, because something this terrible only happens in nightmares. It won't be Jensen because Jensen can't be dead. He can't be.
"They given any names?" he says, his voice little more than a croak.
"Only the therapist guy they’ve arrested. Nicholas Buxcey. I've never heard of-"
"Oh… Oh, God, Sandy… I, I've gotta go. Oh God…"
He hangs up while Sandy's still saying something in his ear.
From nowhere, the image of Jensen, blindfolded and dazed, on the bed with Nick moving over him, hands on his throat, rises up in perfect, vivid detail. Jared can remember precisely where each fucking bruise of Nick's fingers sat on Jensen's skin. He remembers Nick taunting Jensen for crying while he told him how worthless he was and how easily he could kill him.
And Jared doesn't regret punching Nick, he only regrets that he didn't finish the goddamn job and murder him.
:::
When he calls Jensen, all he gets is a message telling him the voicemail box is full. Frustrated and desperate, he tries again a couple of times, acting on automatic, and still it's just the same message telling him the voicemail box is full.
Sam isn't answering her phone but at least Jared can leave a frantic message asking her to fucking call him already.
Halfway through the flight to Los Angeles - because Jared needs to see Jensen alive and breathing and he's not going to be able to do that in San Antonio - he remembers that he hasn’t called his mom to tell her about the change of plan. And he's kind of grateful that flight regulations won't allow him to call her now because there's no way he'd be able to explain the blank panic in his voice to her.
He sits in his seat, cramped with tension, and prays.
:::
There are voicemail messages and texts from Sandy and Chad when he gets off the plane. Nothing from Sam, and Jensen's voicemail is still full. Sandy and Chad are both just prodding him for some reassurance that he's okay, they're not offering any new details.
He calls Sandy, who's with Chad, and they make him promise to wait at the airport until they can get there to pick him up, and he manages a text to his mom. It kills him to just sit there and he spends the rest of the time uselessly calling Jensen's number over and over again.
When they turn up, Chad is full of nervous energy and Sandy seems too small and won't stop watching Jared. He knows he doesn't exactly settle their nerves by being so freaking out of it but he can only think that Jensen might be dead and gone and it's so terrifyingly final. No more time to make things right, no chance for some miraculous happy ending out of nowhere.
"There's nothing new," Sandy says. "It's all over the news though, 'cause of the size of the scandal, the kind of people they're saying were involved, like movie producers and people in the mayor's office and senators."
"No names?" Jared says.
Chad shakes his head. "It's all fucking rumors. This Buxcey guy's the only one they've confirmed and they only did that 'cause some paparazzi shit found out and told everyone." He falters and shrugs, scrubbing awkwardly at his scruff of stubble. "C'mon, man, it's not gonna be Jensen. He wouldn't've carried on seeing the guy, would he?"
Jared shakes his head but it's more about his inability to hold a conversation about this than because he agrees with Chad. Jared knows better than to trust Jensen's survival instinct.
They go to Jensen's place first and the neighborhood is still as warmly respectable as ever, blossom from the trees calmly drifting through the air. Sandy pulls in and Jared's out of the car before it's barely stopped moving, headed to Jensen's door. He ignores Chad following close behind, glancing nervously at the surrounding houses. Jared doesn't care if people think he's acting weirdly. He doesn't care. He just wants to see Jensen.
"Jensen!"
Jared hammers at the door and then leans on the doorbell. The house is silent, nothing moves behind the windows. Jared pounds at the door again.
"Wouldn't he be out working anyway?" Chad says, his voice lowered. "C'mon, Jared, if he was in there, he'd've fucking heard you by now. He's not here. Where else do we try?"
It's hard to move for a moment because Jared's sure - he's sure - that if he just gives it another minute, Jensen will open the door. He'll be grumpy about Jared disturbing him, uncomfortable maybe about having Chad and Sandy there, might even laugh at Jared for getting so worked up. He'll explain a hundred different ways Jared should have known it wasn't his body they found in Nick Buxcey's car.
No one comes.
Jared keeps watching the door, just in case, even as he's turning away from it. Finally he looks at Chad, and over his shoulder to where Sandy's standing with the car, her hands a fretful knot as she watches him.
"Office," says Jared. He wets his lips and uses both hands to scrape his sweat-damp hair off his forehead. "We'll go to the office."
:::
There's nothing. Everything's been ripped out and taken. They hadn't even bothered to lock the door behind themselves.
Jared stands in what used to be Sam's office and tries to put it back together in his mind. Tries to go back to sitting in front of her desk, nervous and flushed, with her in one of her perfectly-cut suits, outlining the job she's hiring him to do while the sun flares in around them. Before he ever met Jensen.
He can't. Everything started with meeting Jensen.
The rooms are stripped mostly bare. There's a filing cabinet in the corner but it's empty; a few stray pieces of paper lie on the floor but they're blank. All the plush furniture and dressings are gone. It's a shell. It hits Jared right in the solar plexus and he has to catch the doorframe to keep himself standing.
"They're bound to have moved on," Sandy says, but her voice trembles just a little. "The police are asking questions, they can't hang around... whether it's about them or not. Can't risk it. This doesn't mean anything."
The three of them stand there and the silence is the wavering hush of standing by a fresh grave. Then it's broken by the sudden trill of Jared's cellphone and Jared goes for it so quickly he can't get his hands to work quite right.
It's not Jensen, and not Sam either. It's Mel.
"God, Mel! Listen, Jensen… is he-?"
"Oh he's fine," Mel says. She sounds tired, cheerfulness worn thin. "No, he's fine. Sorry I didn't call earlier but you would not believe how much we've had to get done since… well, since all this broke out. It's all over the freaking news, isn't it? It's not us but, well, we can't exactly take the chance with the cops sniffing around, y'know?"
Jared wants to be relieved but it's all still too horrible and he can only manage to say, "But Jensen's all right, yeah?"
"Yeah, Jared, he really is okay." Mel hesitates then says, "But he's getting out of Los Angeles. Sam's already gone. Me and Ben are moving out to South Carolina with his company. I'm just calling around to make sure no one's left outta the loop, just tying up the loose ends. Business done, yeah?"
It feels like she's trying to end the conversation but Jared can't let her, because it's not that he doesn't believe her but after spending almost a day thinking Jensen might have been murdered, he really needs to hear his voice.
"I can't get through to Jen. His voicemail's full and-"
"He's ditched his phone. Just part of the cutting all ties thing, you don't need to worry about it. Sam's done the same and this number's not gonna be in use once I'm done calling everyone."
"But I need to talk to him. Do you have his number?"
"No, but Sam does. I can get Sam to give you a call and you can ask her, okay?" There are voices in the background, and then Mel says, "Look, Jared, I'm sorry but I've gotta go. Still got tons to do before we can get outta here. You take care of yourself, baby!"
The line goes dead and Jared stands in the hollowed out space of something that used to be a huge part of his life and has no way of getting any of it back.
:::
It's a month and a half before Sam calls.
Jared spends two weeks in L.A. with Chad and Sandy. They're not around much because Sandy's filming a movie and something's actually come from one of Chad's auditions. He's going to be playing a local bad boy with a schmoopy interior on some romantic drama that's on its third season already.
He follows the gossip and unfolding facts of the Nick Buxcey thing and the scandal that's sprung out of it. They show a picture of the guy he's charged with killing and Jared feels a morbid kind of guilt just looking at his face. It's a too pretty face with a dispassionate expression. Like Jensen, but also unlike. It could have been Jensen's face they were showing now. It feels wrong to look at the guy's face and be glad it's him and not Jensen, but Jared can't help it. The thought of what might have happened if he hadn't stepped in is a constant coldness in his chest.
There's a lot of talk about the prostitution ring that's been broken up by the police in the wake of the murder, and the apparent list of clients, but there's nothing about Sam and Jared's pretty sure she got away with it. Pretty sure they've all gotten away with it.
He waits and waits for her to call, keeps on thinking it's got to be today she calls, hasn’t it? When he doesn't hear anything from her, he tries calling Mel again but, just like she said, the line's disconnected.
Eventually, he packs his bags and finally makes it back to San Antonio for the rest of his summer.
There seems to be some unspoken awareness in his family that Jared is to be treated gently. His mom tugs him down so she can wrap her arms around him, like he's still just her little boy, and he's grateful for it. Megan is subdued but clearly pleased to see him, and his dad claps him on the back and offers him a beer. Jared makes an effort to talk and be himself but he's glad for the moments of peace he's allowed.
He sits on the porch in the golden sunshine, the scent of lilies sweet and warm on the air, and hopes that tomorrow Sam will call, or that the need to hear Jensen's voice will tug at him just a little less.
Without thinking too much about it, he's started working on excuses for the future for when he turns up single at network parties and events. He's considered whether it's asking too much of Sandy to let the press think there's something between them. The thing with Mack has left him wary of having a fake love life but he thinks he might need some strategy to cope with the fact he's never going to be in a meaningful relationship again.
He's still young, he knows that. And he knows there's still every chance he'll find someone. But he's honestly not sure he's ever going to get through a day without wishing he hadn't walked out on Jensen. Which kind of sucks if it's true because he's still young. He has the rest of his life to get through.
"Dad says her name was Sandy," Megan says. She gathers her skirt between her thighs and sits astride the porch railing by the steps. The sun is right behind her and it turns her black and flat as a shadow.
"Sandy's just a friend," Jared says, his voice sounding like it's coming from somewhere far away.
"So… what was her name?"
Jared considers for a long while then realises he can't see much point in lying. It's over and done with, the least he can do is not deny its existence.
"Jensen. His name was Jensen."
Megan blinks, lips parted to speak. There's a rush of color across her cheeks and she quickly turns her face away.
Since that nightmarish day when he'd been all but convinced Jensen was dead, Jared sometimes feel that not hearing from him for so long makes it seem like the nightmare was true. Jared speaks of him in the past tense and has nothing but memories to remind himself that Jensen actually existed, that Jared was ever actually that happy.
The silence drags on. The afternoon's still hot and sticky and Jared wishes he had the energy to go inside and get some iced tea or something.
"Was all that crap about you and Mack Kennedy true then?" Megan says. Her voice is high and she sounds painfully young.
Jared laughs and shakes his head. "Not one goddamn word of it."
"Is that what went wrong with Jensen? He didn't know that?"
That would have been nice, Jared thinks. That's something he could have sorted out real easy. Something like that would have been much simpler than being in love with someone who had a going-rate for his body. No, I'm not in any kind of relationship with my co-star is an easier resolution than please stop letting them treat you like this.
"No. No, he knew."
"So where is he?" Megan says, and her tone says it's still that simple.
Jared tilts his face towards her, the sunlight washing over his cheek and jaw, and smiles.
"I don't know. He went away."
She doesn't prod him for any more details and Jared's relieved because he doesn't know what he'd tell her. They sit together for a while and watch the orange-gold blur of the sun throb towards the horizon. Then as dusk settles, mauve and washed out yellow, Megan goes back indoors.
It's an hour later that Sam calls. Her tone is friendly but brisk.
"Mel says you want Jensen's number, honey. That right?"
"Yeah," Jared says. And even though he's furious with her for making him wait so long, the thought that he's almost there is enough to swap anger almost entirely for gratitude.
"Can't help you, I'm sorry," she says. "Jen's gone off to do his own thing and getting hold of him these days is pretty tricky. And it just don't feel right handing out his number, not after how he was when you left. I know you boys were close-" She breaks off and Jared hears her wetting her lips. "Me personally, I'd say leave him the hell alone, Jared."
"Sam. Please." The words come out wet and sticky, ground out on a desperate breath.
"But it's not my decision to make. I'll tell him you want to talk to him and let him make up his own mind."
She ends the call.
That's in July.
part ten
The network doesn't wait for the up-fronts to confirm a second season for Rites. Jared's not surprised. The network's been promoting the show pretty heavily and there's been a solid fanbase since about two episodes in. Rites has been 'must-see TV' for a while now. So, no, Jared's not surprised, but that doesn't mean the news doesn't leave him grinning.
To celebrate, the set shuts down early on Friday afternoon to give the cast and crew a long weekend to relax, before they come back to shoot the last couple of episodes and the finale. Jared has plans for that weekend, involving plenty of take-out, a stack of videogames and possibly not showering or getting out of his sweats the whole time.
However, it quickly becomes clear that he's expected to fly back to Los Angeles with the rest of the cast for some stupid party being thrown for them by the execs at the network. It's not really about celebrating the success, more about getting a few pictures of the cast all glammed up out for the press because the promo shots from the start of the season have been used too often already.
Jared really doesn't want to go. He desperately tries to come up with some excuse to get out of it but without any luck. He's one of the stars of the show and there's no way no one's going to notice his absence.
"Look," Mack says. "You have to make an appearance. But you don't have to spend the whole goddamn evening there. We'll go there, say our hellos and then sneak out." He nudges Jared with his shoulder and grins. "We'll make our own fun, right?"
It doesn't sound like the best plan Jared's ever heard but after forty goddamn minutes of various suits from the network finding various lame ways to jokily comment on just how tall Jared is, he's all too ready to go for it.
Once he's sitting beside Mack in his car, Jared tugs his tux's stupid bowtie untied and relishes his escape from the harsh lighting, lack of anything substantial to eat, and all the sparkling, vapid chatter. He only pays attention to where Mack's driving them when he realises they're pulling in outside the Beverly Hilton instead of Jared's place.
"Man, it's pretty late. I'm gonna have to call it a night," he says.
"Nope. Sorry. Night's not over yet."
When Mack gets out and hands his car keys to the valet, Jared doesn't have any choice but to climb out after him and follow him into the hotel. He gets an uneasy feeling when he realises Mack isn't checking in. Mack already has a key to a room. Half-jogging, Jared catches up with Mack in seconds and he feels even more unsettled by the wicked gleam in Mack's eyes. They're the only ones in the elevator and Jared waits for the doors to slide closed before he says anything.
"Mack, I'm not sure I'm too wild about any plans you've made that involve you bringing me back to your hotel room." He tries to keep his tone friendly and level but he's increasingly pissed off by the way Mack maneuvers him into situations and then overrides his protests.
Mack doesn't answer, just smirks and strides off down the passage once the elevator's come to a halt. Jared takes a deep, calming breath and seriously considers just turning around and walking out, getting a cab back to his own place and letting Mack throw whatever tantrum he likes. Then he remembers that he has to work with the guy and that Mack is seriously only trying to be friendly. Jared's an easygoing guy and Mack's not really doing any harm.
So he lets Mack haul him into his hotel room and takes the long-stemmed glass of champagne Mack thrusts at him with a smile that's almost genuine. He sits down on the couch and looks up at Mack, who's all but vibrating with excited energy. Jared sincerely hopes that this isn't going to get awkward.
"This is your plan?" Jared says. "Drinking champagne in your hotel room? Dude, I don't even like champagne."
"It's not my hotel room," says Mack. He turns his wrist over to check his watch, and something dark and icy tightens in Jared's belly. "S'just a room. Told you I wanted to say thank you, and this is how."
There's a light knock at the door and even as Jared's shaking his head and saying No, Mack, no, Mack's crossing the room to open the door. And life has a really fucked-up sense of humor because it's Jensen there, of course. Jensen, with the brick shithouse of a guy who's taken over Jared's job, and Jared thinks maybe he's drunk too much shitty champagne because his head is actually spinning.
Mack gestures them both in and for a second, Jensen hesitates, looks thrown. Then his minder's hand settles on his back to prod him into the room, and Jensen stumbles gracelessly before he can recover. Jared's hand is gripping the scrolled arm of the couch, his blunt nails pressing hard into the wood, and sat so far forward he's practically halfway to standing.
"Party for one, isn’t it?" the new guy says, his small-eyed gaze flicking between Mack and Jared. "You want your friend to play too, it'll cost you."
Jensen looks so fucking good and Jared feels a rush of shame - as if he's the one who called him here - and, oddly, a surge of humiliation for Jensen. Not once in the time Jared worked with him did he ever treat him like the new guy does: manhandling him and speaking for him, taking the business out of Jensen's hands and reducing him to a commodity that's his own to sell. And Jensen is letting him, looking away to the far wall and pretending he's not flushing and fidgeting while they figure out who's going to be fucking him. Jared can't take his eyes off Jensen, even though he's sure it can't be making it any easier for him.
Mack pulls his wallet from his pants pocket and raises an eyebrow at Jared. "How 'bout it? You wanna double-team him? Or do you want to go solo? It's my treat."
Both of them are looking to him, only Jensen's silently watching the wall, finally having achieved the image of unconcerned indifference. His body feeling strangely unlike his own, Jared gets to his feet and shakes his head. His tongue is thick in his mouth and words are hard to shape but he gets them out eventually.
"I don't want this. Mack, you shouldn't have done this."
"This is gonna be awesome, and you're not getting out of it," Mack says, still looking supremely pleased with himself. He pushes at Jared's chest and topples him back onto the couch. "Whatever hang-ups you've got about fucking a hooker, I'm not gonna let them get in the way of you getting laid good and proper. Like I said, this is a thank-you present and I'm gonna be pissed if you don’t accept." He glances over at Jensen and says, "You'll make sure he has a good time, right?"
Now he's got no choice but to pay some attention, Jensen sinks into the kind of lazy charm Jared's all too familiar with. He flashes his teeth at Mack in a smile, cocking one hip towards him.
"Sure I will."
"There, settled," says Mack. He waves a hand dismissively at Jensen's guy. "C'mon then, out out out. Let's give Jenny some space to do his thing."
He flashes Jared an obscene wink before he's gone and then it's just Jared and Jensen. The silence is fragile and uncomfortable. Jensen turns and glances about the room, as if he hasn't seen pretty much every suite in pretty much every expensive hotel in Los Angeles. Jared stays where he is, half-perched on the couch, his heartbeat jarring his whole damn body.
"So how's this for awkward?" Jensen says, warm and amused. He pours himself a glass of champagne and raises an eyebrow at Jared. "You mind?"
It takes Jared a second to get his brain in gear and work out what Jensen's asking him. Then he shakes his head and watches the elegant column of Jensen's throat ripple as he takes a long swallow of champagne. Once the glass is empty, Jensen puts it back down on the side and glances back at Jared.
"I thought the appointment was with him. I wouldn't have done this on purpose."
Jared nods once and then manages, "I know."
The shadows in the room shift and he looks up to find Jensen standing in front of him, head tilted to one side and his fingers moving to the buttons on his black shirt. There's a smile on his face that Jared can't quite read. You know you want me, the smile says but that's not all it's saying. It's a professional smile but it's gone crooked somehow.
"So, I'm all bought up and paid for, you wanna…?" He shrugs and twists a shirt button open, exposing smooth, lightly freckled skin that Jared can remember running his tongue over. "For old times' sake or something?"
It feels like a punch to the gut, both the suggestion and the careless way Jensen makes it. Jared stares up at him, hating him and wanting him all at once, then shakes his head furiously, jaw tight.
"No, I don't want to."
Jensen shrugs, apparently unaffected by the rejection, and refills his glass. "Suit yourself. It's your boyfriend's dollar. Or, thousands of dollars."
"He's not my boyfriend," Jared grits out.
Jensen swirls the drink in his glass, the bubbles sparkling pale gold in the light, and smirks at him. "Yeah, I know." When Jared's eyes widen, Jensen shrugs again and sits down, cross-legged on the bed. "I called Tom Welling. Thought if your boyfriend was fucking a whore, you should be made aware of it. Call it professional courtesy."
Reaching around, he plumps the cushions on the bed and leans back against them comfortably. "I was kinda relieved to hear it because Mack's got a reputation for stabbing people in the back, y'know. Not to mention he's a lousy lay. Someone oughta tell him that the ability to pump away for fucking hours, heavy-breathing, does not make for an exciting fuck."
When Jared doesn’t answer, Jensen wrinkles his nose and flicks the TV on. He crosses his legs at the ankle and props his glass up on his chest as he starts channel-surfing. After a second, when Jared just goes on staring at him, Jensen looks back at him.
"This all right? 'Cause, if we're not gonna fuck, I'm not sure how else you want me to pass the time." His eyes light up and he sits forward, pointing at Jared. "Hey, you still doing your Sudoku? You find time for-"
"Why are you being like this?" Jared says, his voice level but raised in order to talk over him.
"Like what?" Jensen gestures helplessly. "If you've changed your mind, that's fine, Jay. You just gotta tell me what you want."
When he turns the TV off again, Jared hates the quality of the silence, is almost intimidated by it. He has nothing to distract himself from the quickening sound of his own breathing and his heartbeat in his ears as Jensen climbs from the bed and crosses towards him, all sinuous grace. It's pathetic - horrifying - how easily he reacts to Jensen.
He sees what's about to happen just a second too late to stop it: Jensen sinks to his knees between Jared's spread thighs, and he's right there.
"You missed my mouth, baby? You missed fucking me? I've missed having that gorgeous, thick cock of yours in my ass, filling me up so good. C'mon, Jay, for old times' sake, yeah? Give me a good, hard fuck. Please, baby, want it so much. Nobody fucks me like you do."
His voice is pitched low and sweet, talking Jared hard like only he's ever been able to. And Jared can't catch his breath but he knows Jensen too well to be fooled. He'd love to believe that Jensen means every word he's saying but he's heard that tone of voice before, heard it for Frank and Quentin and Carl and Nick fucking Buxcey and all the rest. Jared is his client.
"No," he chokes out. He pushes at Jensen's shoulder so he can get up and past him, and Jensen sprawls backwards, propped up on his elbows, legs spread and easy. Arousal, bitter and unwanted but potent all the same, surges through Jared, turning his blood too hot. "No, I'm not like them. I'm fucking not."
Jensen doesn't make any move to stand up, just lies there. His expression shifts from smouldering allure to something much sharper, and decidedly more genuine.
"Oh don't fool yourself, Jay. You can be just like them." His smirk is pointed and ugly. "You fucked me over and then you walked out. And I didn't even get paid."
"That's… that's not what happened! What happened was that I finally realised you were going to keep putting yourself in dangerous situations and letting people hurt you, and I was expected not to do a damn thing about it!"
"And what did you want to do?" Jensen demands, finally getting to his feet, an angry flush in his cheeks and his whole body wound tight. "You wanted to beat the rest of them half to death, like you did Nick Buxcey? Because yeah, I admit it, I expected you not to physically assault my fucking clients!"
"He was trying to kill you!" Jared snarls. "What was I supposed to do? Wait and see if he actually went through with it and strangled you to death before I pulled him off you? You could have died, and I'm not sorry that I stepped in. Not then, not now. Because even if you think I was a fucking idiot, at least you're alive."
Jensen throws his hands up in surrender and turns away, shaking his head in exasperated disgust. "Yeah, yeah, you saved my life, whatever. It was just trash-talking, Jared, but have it your way. Doesn’t fucking matter." He briskly redoes the buttons on his shirt. "Make sure Mack doesn't pull another little stunt like this, yeah? He's not paying me enough for me to argue with your stupid, stubborn ass."
He heads towards the door, pausing before he leaves only to say, "Great show, by the way. Haven't missed an episode," in a tone that Jared doesn't think he can take as anything other than mockery.
Jared stares after him until the adrenaline pumping through his system has faded into slightly sickly weakness. His cock is still persistently half-hard and Jared growls and wills it to get with the freaking program. Still angry and upset and just a little aroused despite it all, Jared snatches up the bottle of champagne and drains what's left in it. He splutters and spits because he really doesn't like champagne but he's in desperate need of the alcohol.
:::
Right up until the flight back up to Vancouver, Jared is able to avoid Mack. It's in everyone's best interests for Jared to keep away because he thinks that if he sees Mack there's a very strong chance that Jared will murder him into tiny little bloody pieces. And Jared's a peace-loving guy and he doesn't like bad vibes and he thinks murdering Mack will most likely cause bad vibes so it's best he stays away.
He spends the rest of his time in Los Angeles hiding out at Chad's place. Chad calls him a pussy, says he can't understand why Jared didn't take the fuck from Jensen that Mack had bought for him. He also gets Jared very drunk and then keeps him company in the bathroom, while Jared is spewing his guts up down the toilet, and gives him a running monologue on just what a dumb fuck Jared is, and also occasionally giving him water to drink.
But then Jared has no possible way of ignoring Mack when they're sitting next to each other on the plane - not any way that would allow him to maintain his dignity that is.
"Dude, where have you been?" Mack demands. "I've been waiting for details! So c'mon, I was right, wasn't I? He totally blew your mind, right?"
"I don't wanna talk about it. And I really don't want you doing something like that again." When Mack laughs and claps him on the shoulder, Jared gives him a very long, very serious look that kills the words before he can speak them. "I mean it. Don't."
Mack blinks, all wide, shocked blue eyes and stupidly slack lips. Feeling as if maybe he's pushed a little too hard, Jared squirms in his seat and tries rearranging his legs, which are already cramping in the inadequate space allowed for them.
Eventually, Mack sinks back into his own seat and stares straight ahead, his expression still stunned.
"It was a gift, Jared. And you could at least tell me whether it worked out or not because, if he didn't do his job properly, I'm gonna call for a goddamn refund."
His tone is petulant, maybe even a little hurt, and it's the only thing that keeps Jared from pounding his fucking head in. Instead, Jared takes a deep breath and thinks calming thoughts. He cannot make this into a big deal. For his sake and for Jensen's.
So as reasonably and evenly as he can, he says, "He did his job. Did it just fine. I just don't want to go into any detail, okay?"
"Fine," Mack says, still sounding mildly peeved. He hesitates, chewing at his lower lip, then shoots Jared a sidelong look. "You do him from behind? Or on top? Or did he fuck you? Did you fuck his mouth? Because his mouth is fucking designed to have dick in it."
His words wobble off into laughter and he's holding his hands up in surrender, like he thinks Jared's only thinking about punching him in the arm rather than knocking every single goddamn one of his teeth down his throat.
:::
There's a lot to get done before they break for summer and Jared gladly throws himself into the work. He doesn't avoid Mack but he doesn't go looking for him either. Justin and Brooke are openly a couple now, which takes some of the spotlight off of Jared, for which he's very grateful.
He goes back to spending most of his time with the crew or with Mike, Tom and the rest of the Smallville guys. First chance he gets, he pulls Tom aside and scowls at him. And Tom may be tall, but Jared is taller, plus he's been hitting the gym pretty regularly so now he's totally stacked as well. His scowl is so damn impressive he doesn't need to say a word to get Tom talking.
"He just wanted to know if the rumors about you and Mack were true. You'd already told me they weren't." Tom pries his shirtfront out of Jared's fist. "I didn't see any harm in telling him that."
"You could have told me he'd called!"
Tom shakes his head, cheeks reddening a little. "Professional courtesy, Jared. He was doing you a favor and I didn't wanna embarrass him about it."
"He was checking up on me!"
Jared immediately regrets saying it because the look on Tom's face is suddenly so goddamn sympathetic it makes Jared feel like a complete idiot. He doesn't know what to say to tidy it up. All this dumb shit with Mack only happened because of Jensen. Jared did it because of Jensen and now it all feels so juvenile and he doesn't know how he could mess up so bad.
"Maybe a little," Tom says. His tone is horribly gentle. "But… You walked out on him, Jared. And Jensen… well, he's got his pride. He doesn't want to make things difficult for you, Jared. I know that. But, if I know him at all, I'm guessing he's drawn a line under the whole thing."
Jared's gaze snaps to Tom's face and Tom backs up a step at the intensity of it. He glances surreptitiously over at where Mike, Allison and Erica are drinking and talking together, then looks back at Jared.
"It's for the best. You know it is. There are enough ways to destroy your career without throwing in a relationship with a hooker. Someone like Mack gets a hold of that and you can bet he'd know exactly what to do with the information."
Leaving him with a meaningful look, Tom goes over to join the others. Jared doesn't follow immediately. He stays at the edge of the bar, something cold and unsettled clenching in the pit of his belly. The beer he's already drunk has done nothing towards relaxing him.
It's like hearing the distant rumble of thunder and wondering if the storm's coming his way or rolling off.
:::
Moody and mysterious, Damian is the youngest of the Cartwright brothers, and you voted him your favorite in the sci-fi/horror/fantasy genre! His loyalties are ambiguous and rumor has it that he's keeping something central to the Cartwright family secret under wraps. With a second season of Rites recently confirmed, this tall, dark and handsome hottie is definitely one to watch!
(The man behind the mystic, Jared Padalecki, scored a phenomenal 63% of the votes in the Sexiest Man category and swept in to first place! Turn to page 8 to find out more about this rising star…)
The magazine crumples into a million creases as Jared's fist grows tight around it. He brings the fist, still clenched around the magazine, up and slams it into his forehead a few times. Maybe later, he'll feel a rush of pride - absolute fucking delight - because this? Is a big deal. These aren't some little piss poor polls. These are gonna get him noticed.
Except, Mack's going to notice them too. And Mack is going to take it very badly indeed. Jared could probably have taken Best Newcomer without Mack throwing a fit but these two categories are undoubtedly considered Mack's territory.
So his plan is to hide out in his trailer until someone comes to physically remove him from it.
He's been here for two and a half hours. He's successfully ignored Brooke knocking on the door and calling out congratulations. And he successfully ignored her coming back with Nathan and Justin in tow and them all slamming their hands on the door. They tried rattling the door handle but Jared's got it wedged shut.
So far, he's had four cups of coffee and a whole econo-sized bag of Twizzlers. It's not a healthy diet but he's kind of hoping it'll kill him before Mack comes to find him.
Because, here's the thing, if Mack were just going to outright threaten him, Jared could handle it. An outright threat gets an offer of an outright ass-kicking. But from everything Jared's heard, he's guessing Mack isn't going to go the direct route. And he doesn't have a plan for dealing with what Mack's gonna come up with.
He still hasn't got a plan when, fifty minutes later, he hears footsteps outside, a knock on the door and Mack's voice saying, "Hey, Jared. We gotta talk, 'kay?"
There's a moment where Jared thinks he might give ignoring that a try too. But Mack isn't going anywhere and in a sudden rush of stubborn defiance, Jared gets up, kicks the wedge free and opens the door. Mack's got a copy of the magazine in his hand and his smile isn't the one Jared's come to know.
He brushes past Jared and Jared doesn't fight him. Jared's shoulders sag as he sighs, looking out across the lot as they set up for the next scene. Then he turns, goes into the trailer and closes the door behind him.
Mack sits down on the couch but doesn't settle. He waits while Jared arranges himself leant up against the wall, arms folded, and then lays the magazine down on the floor by his feet.
"Guess I should say congratulations," Mack says finally. Even his voice sounds different. Older, more restrained. Jared almost misses the other Mack, annoying, spoiled brat that he was. He guesses this version he's seeing now is the genuine article, which is more disappointing than it should be.
"Thanks."
Mack nudges the magazine with his toe and nods. "So look, here's the thing…" He isn't smiling anymore when he looks up at Jared. "I've been hearing how awesome you are since before we even started shooting the pilot. Everyone's saying you're the next big thing. And it sucks, man. For me, I mean. I've worked hard to get where I am and to have some total unknown walk in and put me in the shade? Not cool."
He looks at Jared expectantly and Jared hopes he's not waiting for an apology because he's gonna be waiting a hell of a long time for that. Eventually, he shrugs and goes back to looking at his hands where they rest neatly on his thighs.
"It's not just about being a good actor, or being good-looking. You wanna get anywhere in this business, you sometimes gotta do ugly things." Mack flicks a look up at Jared, who remains silent, and then away again. "So… I called that prostitute you went to see."
Jared's spine snaps straight. He's heading for Mack before he even realises it and it's only when Mack's shrinking back against the couch, alarmed, that he manages to catch himself and stop. There's a fine, angry tremble going through him. He can't let go of it.
"Wait, hear me out," Mack says, holding up a hand that's both beseeching and defensive. "It's worked before for me. And I was looking for something to… well, to make you consider whether you really wanted to sign up for a second season."
Jared still doesn't trust himself to speak, or even to move. If he tries to interact with Mack in any way he's going to end up hurting him. Clearly disconcerted by Jared's continuing silence, Mack lets out a little breath and scrapes his fingers through his hair.
"Not that sex scandals always end a career but you're just starting out and besides, s'not like you want mom and dad back home to know you've been paying to put your cock up some guy's ass, right?" He gives a quick laugh. "So I called him up and offered him money, probably more than he'd make in a month, to give me anything he could on you. I said I wouldn't let it get out that he was the source or anything like that. Just had to give me something genuine that I could use."
Jared's ribs seem abruptly too small for his heart. Mack cocks his head at him and his smile, there and gone in a moment, is radiant.
"You know what he told me?" Mack laughs and leans back on the couch, hands laced behind his head. "He told me that if he heard even a rumor about you fucking hookers, he'd assume it was my fault and he'd tell my parents all about him and me. He said he'd tell my parents, Jared! And my agent and anyone else he could get to listen to him. So apparently now I'm responsible for keeping your sex life out of the gossip pages, dude!"
Jared blinks, and Mack laughs again, faintly hysterical.
"Yeah, that's what I thought! I have a fucking prostitute threatening to tell my mom and dad that I-" He breaks off, a blush covering his cheeks, his own indiscretions obviously fairly colorful. "You must be one hell of a lay, man. I can't believe I paid for you to get your very own fanboy whore!"
It wasn't exactly like Jared had expected Jensen to sell him out but the counter-offensive leaves him feeling a little giddy. It's a warm flush of pleasure right through him to imagine Jensen defending him like that. And yeah, maybe Tom or Jensen would pass it off as good business practice not to rat out your clients, even to each other, but it doesn't change the fact that Jensen not only turned down the money, he protected Jared.
Mack's still grinning, watching Jared. He picks the magazine up and straightens out the pages.
"Which kind of leaves me in this weird position of not being able to stab you in the back like I usually do," he says. "And… you know what? I'm actually pretty okay with that. You're a nice guy, Jared. You need to back off my territory and gimme my share of the glory but… you're a nice guy."
"So… you're not planning on screwing me over any way possible?" Jared says slowly, wondering if he's actually understood what Mack is saying beyond the fact Jensen defended him.
Mack pats him on the chest. "Not planning it in any way that might set Jensen off, no. Might still have to talk shit about you to any producers or guys like that, y'know. But… I do that anyway." He grins but it doesn't do anything to suggest that last part was a joke.
"That's… that's good to know," Jared says. He laughs but it's because he's still thinking about how Jensen must still care, just a little, to have reacted the way he did. "Thanks for that."
"Any time," Mack says obligingly. "Maybe you can thank me by showing me your awesome skills of prostitute-conversion some time." He pauses, the grin never leaving his face, then says, "Oh come on, you have to tell me. What the fuck did you do to that guy to get him on your side? I've seen him, like, five or six times now and he still likes you better than he likes my cash."
"Now if I told you that, he wouldn't be on my side anymore, now would he?"
:::
After the finale's all wrapped up, there's not much to do but for the cast and crew to slowly drift off to their respective homes.
Jared's not planning on even stopping by in Los Angeles. Sure he's got a place there, and Chad and Sandy are there, but Jared's yearning for San Antonio, for the safe and comfortable. Besides, Los Angeles will forever be inextricably tied up with Jensen and the ache hasn't gone away. Jared still misses him but somehow it's all got more complicated. The relationship's over but not, like the credits still rolling at the end of a movie.
And Jared figures the only thing he can do is give it time and keep the hell away.
Brooke hugs him and makes him promise to take care of himself. Nathan claps him on the back and tries to coax him round for a beer before his flight. Jared thanks him but declines and goes back to his hotel to pack. He's been happy on Rites and is looking forward to a second season but when he realises all he's taking back are some clothes and a few essentials, he kind of wonders if he's been wasting his time.
He calls his mom to say he's heading home when he's on his way to the airport and hearing her voice gives him a boost of energy. He's going to see his family, the people he cares about. And maybe he can get Chad and Sandy out to Texas for something, just so he can have all the people who matter to him in one place, and maybe that will make up for the gnawing worry inside him whenever he wonders how Jensen's getting on.
He's just getting in to the airport, one bag slung over his shoulder and another gripped in his hand, when his cellphone starts ringing again. He assumes it's going to be his mom, calling back to tell him that it'll be Megan picking him up instead of her or promising him pie at dinner.
It's Sandy.
"Jared? Uh, look, I don't wanna worry you but…"
The tremble in her voice is unmistakeable and it stops Jared dead in his tracks. He cradles the phone tighter to his ear, brow furrowed in concern.
"Sandy? What's happened? Are you okay?"
"It's probably nothing but… it all came out this morning and most of it's rumor and stuff but, just in case, I wanted to call and make sure you heard from me before you saw it in a newspaper or something."
"Sandy, talk to me. What's happened?"
There are people surging around him and Jared ducks out of their way, moving up against the wall so he can concentrate on what he's hearing.
"It's on the news," she says, more clearly and slower. "There was this guy, some therapist to the stars or something, and they found a body in the trunk of his car. Jared, they're saying it was a prostitute, a male prostitute. And the police have been all over this prostitution ring that this guy, the guy who's been killed, was part of."
Everything stops. Everything stops and goes cold and hollow. Jared tightens his grip on his cellphone because it's slipping away from him. It can't actually be happening, because something this terrible only happens in nightmares. It won't be Jensen because Jensen can't be dead. He can't be.
"They given any names?" he says, his voice little more than a croak.
"Only the therapist guy they’ve arrested. Nicholas Buxcey. I've never heard of-"
"Oh… Oh, God, Sandy… I, I've gotta go. Oh God…"
He hangs up while Sandy's still saying something in his ear.
From nowhere, the image of Jensen, blindfolded and dazed, on the bed with Nick moving over him, hands on his throat, rises up in perfect, vivid detail. Jared can remember precisely where each fucking bruise of Nick's fingers sat on Jensen's skin. He remembers Nick taunting Jensen for crying while he told him how worthless he was and how easily he could kill him.
And Jared doesn't regret punching Nick, he only regrets that he didn't finish the goddamn job and murder him.
:::
When he calls Jensen, all he gets is a message telling him the voicemail box is full. Frustrated and desperate, he tries again a couple of times, acting on automatic, and still it's just the same message telling him the voicemail box is full.
Sam isn't answering her phone but at least Jared can leave a frantic message asking her to fucking call him already.
Halfway through the flight to Los Angeles - because Jared needs to see Jensen alive and breathing and he's not going to be able to do that in San Antonio - he remembers that he hasn’t called his mom to tell her about the change of plan. And he's kind of grateful that flight regulations won't allow him to call her now because there's no way he'd be able to explain the blank panic in his voice to her.
He sits in his seat, cramped with tension, and prays.
:::
There are voicemail messages and texts from Sandy and Chad when he gets off the plane. Nothing from Sam, and Jensen's voicemail is still full. Sandy and Chad are both just prodding him for some reassurance that he's okay, they're not offering any new details.
He calls Sandy, who's with Chad, and they make him promise to wait at the airport until they can get there to pick him up, and he manages a text to his mom. It kills him to just sit there and he spends the rest of the time uselessly calling Jensen's number over and over again.
When they turn up, Chad is full of nervous energy and Sandy seems too small and won't stop watching Jared. He knows he doesn't exactly settle their nerves by being so freaking out of it but he can only think that Jensen might be dead and gone and it's so terrifyingly final. No more time to make things right, no chance for some miraculous happy ending out of nowhere.
"There's nothing new," Sandy says. "It's all over the news though, 'cause of the size of the scandal, the kind of people they're saying were involved, like movie producers and people in the mayor's office and senators."
"No names?" Jared says.
Chad shakes his head. "It's all fucking rumors. This Buxcey guy's the only one they've confirmed and they only did that 'cause some paparazzi shit found out and told everyone." He falters and shrugs, scrubbing awkwardly at his scruff of stubble. "C'mon, man, it's not gonna be Jensen. He wouldn't've carried on seeing the guy, would he?"
Jared shakes his head but it's more about his inability to hold a conversation about this than because he agrees with Chad. Jared knows better than to trust Jensen's survival instinct.
They go to Jensen's place first and the neighborhood is still as warmly respectable as ever, blossom from the trees calmly drifting through the air. Sandy pulls in and Jared's out of the car before it's barely stopped moving, headed to Jensen's door. He ignores Chad following close behind, glancing nervously at the surrounding houses. Jared doesn't care if people think he's acting weirdly. He doesn't care. He just wants to see Jensen.
"Jensen!"
Jared hammers at the door and then leans on the doorbell. The house is silent, nothing moves behind the windows. Jared pounds at the door again.
"Wouldn't he be out working anyway?" Chad says, his voice lowered. "C'mon, Jared, if he was in there, he'd've fucking heard you by now. He's not here. Where else do we try?"
It's hard to move for a moment because Jared's sure - he's sure - that if he just gives it another minute, Jensen will open the door. He'll be grumpy about Jared disturbing him, uncomfortable maybe about having Chad and Sandy there, might even laugh at Jared for getting so worked up. He'll explain a hundred different ways Jared should have known it wasn't his body they found in Nick Buxcey's car.
No one comes.
Jared keeps watching the door, just in case, even as he's turning away from it. Finally he looks at Chad, and over his shoulder to where Sandy's standing with the car, her hands a fretful knot as she watches him.
"Office," says Jared. He wets his lips and uses both hands to scrape his sweat-damp hair off his forehead. "We'll go to the office."
:::
There's nothing. Everything's been ripped out and taken. They hadn't even bothered to lock the door behind themselves.
Jared stands in what used to be Sam's office and tries to put it back together in his mind. Tries to go back to sitting in front of her desk, nervous and flushed, with her in one of her perfectly-cut suits, outlining the job she's hiring him to do while the sun flares in around them. Before he ever met Jensen.
He can't. Everything started with meeting Jensen.
The rooms are stripped mostly bare. There's a filing cabinet in the corner but it's empty; a few stray pieces of paper lie on the floor but they're blank. All the plush furniture and dressings are gone. It's a shell. It hits Jared right in the solar plexus and he has to catch the doorframe to keep himself standing.
"They're bound to have moved on," Sandy says, but her voice trembles just a little. "The police are asking questions, they can't hang around... whether it's about them or not. Can't risk it. This doesn't mean anything."
The three of them stand there and the silence is the wavering hush of standing by a fresh grave. Then it's broken by the sudden trill of Jared's cellphone and Jared goes for it so quickly he can't get his hands to work quite right.
It's not Jensen, and not Sam either. It's Mel.
"God, Mel! Listen, Jensen… is he-?"
"Oh he's fine," Mel says. She sounds tired, cheerfulness worn thin. "No, he's fine. Sorry I didn't call earlier but you would not believe how much we've had to get done since… well, since all this broke out. It's all over the freaking news, isn't it? It's not us but, well, we can't exactly take the chance with the cops sniffing around, y'know?"
Jared wants to be relieved but it's all still too horrible and he can only manage to say, "But Jensen's all right, yeah?"
"Yeah, Jared, he really is okay." Mel hesitates then says, "But he's getting out of Los Angeles. Sam's already gone. Me and Ben are moving out to South Carolina with his company. I'm just calling around to make sure no one's left outta the loop, just tying up the loose ends. Business done, yeah?"
It feels like she's trying to end the conversation but Jared can't let her, because it's not that he doesn't believe her but after spending almost a day thinking Jensen might have been murdered, he really needs to hear his voice.
"I can't get through to Jen. His voicemail's full and-"
"He's ditched his phone. Just part of the cutting all ties thing, you don't need to worry about it. Sam's done the same and this number's not gonna be in use once I'm done calling everyone."
"But I need to talk to him. Do you have his number?"
"No, but Sam does. I can get Sam to give you a call and you can ask her, okay?" There are voices in the background, and then Mel says, "Look, Jared, I'm sorry but I've gotta go. Still got tons to do before we can get outta here. You take care of yourself, baby!"
The line goes dead and Jared stands in the hollowed out space of something that used to be a huge part of his life and has no way of getting any of it back.
:::
It's a month and a half before Sam calls.
Jared spends two weeks in L.A. with Chad and Sandy. They're not around much because Sandy's filming a movie and something's actually come from one of Chad's auditions. He's going to be playing a local bad boy with a schmoopy interior on some romantic drama that's on its third season already.
He follows the gossip and unfolding facts of the Nick Buxcey thing and the scandal that's sprung out of it. They show a picture of the guy he's charged with killing and Jared feels a morbid kind of guilt just looking at his face. It's a too pretty face with a dispassionate expression. Like Jensen, but also unlike. It could have been Jensen's face they were showing now. It feels wrong to look at the guy's face and be glad it's him and not Jensen, but Jared can't help it. The thought of what might have happened if he hadn't stepped in is a constant coldness in his chest.
There's a lot of talk about the prostitution ring that's been broken up by the police in the wake of the murder, and the apparent list of clients, but there's nothing about Sam and Jared's pretty sure she got away with it. Pretty sure they've all gotten away with it.
He waits and waits for her to call, keeps on thinking it's got to be today she calls, hasn’t it? When he doesn't hear anything from her, he tries calling Mel again but, just like she said, the line's disconnected.
Eventually, he packs his bags and finally makes it back to San Antonio for the rest of his summer.
There seems to be some unspoken awareness in his family that Jared is to be treated gently. His mom tugs him down so she can wrap her arms around him, like he's still just her little boy, and he's grateful for it. Megan is subdued but clearly pleased to see him, and his dad claps him on the back and offers him a beer. Jared makes an effort to talk and be himself but he's glad for the moments of peace he's allowed.
He sits on the porch in the golden sunshine, the scent of lilies sweet and warm on the air, and hopes that tomorrow Sam will call, or that the need to hear Jensen's voice will tug at him just a little less.
Without thinking too much about it, he's started working on excuses for the future for when he turns up single at network parties and events. He's considered whether it's asking too much of Sandy to let the press think there's something between them. The thing with Mack has left him wary of having a fake love life but he thinks he might need some strategy to cope with the fact he's never going to be in a meaningful relationship again.
He's still young, he knows that. And he knows there's still every chance he'll find someone. But he's honestly not sure he's ever going to get through a day without wishing he hadn't walked out on Jensen. Which kind of sucks if it's true because he's still young. He has the rest of his life to get through.
"Dad says her name was Sandy," Megan says. She gathers her skirt between her thighs and sits astride the porch railing by the steps. The sun is right behind her and it turns her black and flat as a shadow.
"Sandy's just a friend," Jared says, his voice sounding like it's coming from somewhere far away.
"So… what was her name?"
Jared considers for a long while then realises he can't see much point in lying. It's over and done with, the least he can do is not deny its existence.
"Jensen. His name was Jensen."
Megan blinks, lips parted to speak. There's a rush of color across her cheeks and she quickly turns her face away.
Since that nightmarish day when he'd been all but convinced Jensen was dead, Jared sometimes feel that not hearing from him for so long makes it seem like the nightmare was true. Jared speaks of him in the past tense and has nothing but memories to remind himself that Jensen actually existed, that Jared was ever actually that happy.
The silence drags on. The afternoon's still hot and sticky and Jared wishes he had the energy to go inside and get some iced tea or something.
"Was all that crap about you and Mack Kennedy true then?" Megan says. Her voice is high and she sounds painfully young.
Jared laughs and shakes his head. "Not one goddamn word of it."
"Is that what went wrong with Jensen? He didn't know that?"
That would have been nice, Jared thinks. That's something he could have sorted out real easy. Something like that would have been much simpler than being in love with someone who had a going-rate for his body. No, I'm not in any kind of relationship with my co-star is an easier resolution than please stop letting them treat you like this.
"No. No, he knew."
"So where is he?" Megan says, and her tone says it's still that simple.
Jared tilts his face towards her, the sunlight washing over his cheek and jaw, and smiles.
"I don't know. He went away."
She doesn't prod him for any more details and Jared's relieved because he doesn't know what he'd tell her. They sit together for a while and watch the orange-gold blur of the sun throb towards the horizon. Then as dusk settles, mauve and washed out yellow, Megan goes back indoors.
It's an hour later that Sam calls. Her tone is friendly but brisk.
"Mel says you want Jensen's number, honey. That right?"
"Yeah," Jared says. And even though he's furious with her for making him wait so long, the thought that he's almost there is enough to swap anger almost entirely for gratitude.
"Can't help you, I'm sorry," she says. "Jen's gone off to do his own thing and getting hold of him these days is pretty tricky. And it just don't feel right handing out his number, not after how he was when you left. I know you boys were close-" She breaks off and Jared hears her wetting her lips. "Me personally, I'd say leave him the hell alone, Jared."
"Sam. Please." The words come out wet and sticky, ground out on a desperate breath.
"But it's not my decision to make. I'll tell him you want to talk to him and let him make up his own mind."
She ends the call.
That's in July.
part ten