Bulletproof: part ten
part nine
It's December and they've just finished filming a Christmas episode of Rites. Jared thinks this is a bit bizarre considering the show's a horror-drama type of thing but it's a nice opportunity to let go of some of Damian's perpetual angst. The atmosphere on set has been cheerful and relaxed but Jared's still looking forward to breaking for the holidays.
He's just collecting his gear from the trailer when Mack props himself up in the doorway and starts talking.
"They're getting married, y'know." At the mildly confused, only marginally interested look Jared gives him, Mack goes on to say, "Brooke and Justin."
"Have they said this or have you been reading the fan-boards again? 'Cause you know the fans still think we're the happiest couple ever."
Mack shakes his head and ignores the fact Jared looks to be on his way out in order to spread out on the couch.
"Fuck no! Have you even been paying attention? They all think we've had some big bust up! S'why you look so fucking miserable all the time. Apparently I broke up with you when you took that tiny chick to the awards show instead of me."
"Oh, right," says Jared. He glances at Mack and sees him grinning. "That was kinda douchey of me. You had every right to break up with me. So, what do the fans make of Brooke and Justin then?"
"Not the fans, Jared. Jeez, how can you have missed the fucking rock on her finger? It's the size of a small state, like… like Rhode Island sized!"
"I… I haven't really been paying attention to her fingers?" Jared offers. He shrugs at Mack's incredulous frown. "Seriously, she's been wearing a ring? For how long?"
"This morning? Dude, still plenty long enough for you to have fucking noticed it!" Mack sighs and brushes his hair off his face with a graceful, distinctly well-practised, flick of his fingers. "Question is, what are we going to do about the wedding?"
Jared zips his bag shut and reaches for his coat. He holds the door open and gives Mack a meaningful look until he gets the hint and gets off the damn couch.
"Y'know, it's traditional to leave planning the wedding and all to the bride, groom and their families. Just a wild idea, but why don't we go with that?"
Mack cuffs him upside the head but at least he's off the couch and going. "I mean, there are gonna be photographers and press coverage and what are we gonna do?"
"Mack, buddy, I love you, but there is no way we're gonna hijack Brooke and Justin's wedding for the publicity opportunities. That's if they're even actually engaged, because I haven't seen a ring." Jared gives him a gentle push in the direction of his own trailer. "Now, you have a good break and I'll see you when I get back, 'kay?"
Mack stares at him for a moment then pulls a face. "I can't believe I didn't dump you sooner."
Jared laughs and waves him off. He makes his own way back to the hotel because everyone's running on their own schedules this close to the finale. Since it started to sound like Rites was good for a third season, Jared's gotten around to thinking he might sell the place in L.A. and buy himself something more permanent in Vancouver. There's no reason to go back to Los Angeles, nothing for him there.
Most of his stuff's already packed. He doesn't have much here and he threw the majority of it into a bag last night. There's still the inevitable last-minute clutter though, and when his cellphone rings, he's on his knees, hunting around beneath the couch for his sunglasses, which he hasn't needed in the godawful Vancouver weather for the last three weeks, but will definitely require in Texas.
He doesn't recognise the number and hesitates a second before answering it because you can never be too careful. But there's not a lot anyone can do to him over the phone and Jared figures he's a big enough boy to handle any mysterious callers, even if they might eventually evolve into psycho stalkers.
"Hi," says Jensen, when Jared answers.
Jared has no idea what to say. He can't even get his brain in gear enough to manage breathing right now, so how the hell is he supposed to find something intelligent - or even coherent - to say?
"Jared? That is you, right? It's Jensen. Uh… is now a bad time?"
"Jen." Jared lets out a shuddering breath and bites his cheek because his mouth is abruptly dry. "Jesus. I didn't think you were ever gonna call."
There's no response from Jensen to that and all too clearly Jared understands that he really hadn't wanted to call before.
"But you're calling now," he says. "How come?"
"Listen, I'm in Vancouver. I was wondering if-"
"Wait! You're here? Buh… when did you… what the hell are you doing here? Where are you?"
Jensen laughs but it's short and strained. "There's a bar on Denman Street, do you know it? It's pretty low-key so you shouldn't have to worry about anyone seeing you with me. Can you meet me there?"
It's less than an hour until Jared's flight to San Antonio. He's not going to be on it.
:::
The fact it's taken Jensen so goddamn long to get in touch should make Jared furious. He should take it as a sign of just how little Jensen cares and go there all ready to tell Jensen to go fuck himself.
It doesn't. He's not angry, not even a little. He's too fucking high at the prospect of seeing him again, of being in the same room as him again. Maybe it's pathetic to be like this but Jared can't snap out of it. And he doesn't even really want to, because he hasn't felt this kind of rush since he and Jensen were seeing each other.
The drive to the bar takes too long. Because, while he's driving, Jared gets to thinking. He can't be angry with Jensen, he's only ever going to be pleased to see him. But nothing has changed between them. Jared is in love with Jensen, just like he thinks he's always been, but he's still the guy who walked out on him too. Jensen's asked to see him but there'd been nothing in his voice or what he'd said to give the impression that he was doing anything more than, belatedly, returning a call.
It hits Jared hard and he stands in the parking lot of the bar, the chill, wintry wind stinging his cheeks, and takes a breath.
Maybe this is going to be goodbye. Maybe this is one more 'professional courtesy', a polite please don't call or expect me to call.
Ever so briefly, Jared wonders if it would hurt less to just walk away now, to live out the rest of his life thinking that maybe Jensen had still wanted him, rather than knowing for sure that he hadn’t. However, if Jensen's going to be civil enough to explicitly cut the tie between them then the least Jared can do is go along with it and show up.
Inside, his gaze finds Jensen immediately. Jensen's sitting alone in the corner, a bottle of beer by his hand, his shoulders hunched over a little as he flicks idly through the newspaper. He's wearing his glasses and just that simple detail brings a smile to Jared's lips.
So many months since Jared last saw him - storming out of the hotel room because Jared wanted to argue instead of fuck - and still so fucking gorgeous.
He doesn't see Jared until Jared's sliding into the seat across from him.
"Jared," he says. Finally, he finds a smile, uncertain and taut. "Thanks for coming."
"No problem. I wanted to see you." For a while, he does nothing but look at Jensen because it's been too long and the lines of the images in his memory had started to grow vague. "How have you been?"
Jensen nods. "Good, thanks. You? The show's doing awesome, right? Seen your face in all the magazines."
"Yeah, it's…" Jared scratches his jaw awkwardly, and settles for, "I'm really enjoying it." He sighs and frowns a little helplessly at Jensen. "You kind of fell off the map, man."
It takes Jensen a second to consider whether the comment's intended as a rebuke. Then he moves on, maybe deciding it isn't a rebuke or deciding not to call Jared on it if it is.
"Yeah. Well, after everything, I needed to get out, start out fresh. Took the whole thing as an opportunity. Just took the money and ran. And I'm doing well. Better than I expected. This is gonna sound pretty surreal but… I'm actually working as a photographer now." He laughs, flushing self-consciously. "The arty black and white, extreme close-up kind. Doing okay at it too. Working on making a name for myself, y'know?"
Jared's torn between letting his jaw drop and beaming.
"You're kidding me! Well… shit, Jen! That's just awesome!"
His response brightens Jensen's expression and his smile softens to one of genuine pleasure.
"I didn't expect it to take off so fast. Or… at all, really," he says. "But I wanted to give it a try. Then this guy I did some modelling for a while back picked up on some of my pictures. He seemed to like what he saw and… well, he had the right connections to get me noticed and… it's kind of gone from there. It's better luck than I deserve."
He reaches down to the seat beside him and places a large, brown envelope on the table between them. His fingers stay splayed out over it, like he's not even conscious they're there.
"Anyway, I've been invited to display some pictures at this exhibition next month. In New York. Should be pretty big. That is if I don't get laughed outta the joint." He lets out a nervous little sigh and then slides the envelope towards Jared. "I need your permission to display this photo, Jared. I think it's one of my best and I'd like to show it. But… I gotta know whether you'd be okay with that. That's what I came up here to ask."
Slowly, Jared fumbles the envelope open and draws the photo out.
It's the picture of him that he caught Jensen taking that morning while he was still mostly asleep and sprawled out across their bed. He'd forgotten all about it right until this moment.
The contrast between the whiteness of sunshine-soaked sheets he's laid out on, and the absolute black of the fall of his hair and the carved out shadows of his face kind of takes his breath away. But despite the monochromatic sharpness of the image, there's something undeniably soothing about it. Peaceful.
He looks at his face in the photo and wonders if that's how Jensen's always seen him.
"You don't have to answer right now," Jensen says into his silence. "You'll probably wanna talk to your agent, lawyer maybe, I don't know. I'll say the picture was posed, of course. I wouldn't let people think-"
"You've got my permission." Jared looks up from the photo, meets Jensen's wide green eyes. "I'll sign whatever you need. I'm giving you my permission."
Jensen hesitates, his eyes narrowing in thought. Then he smiles, polite and distant, and says, "You really should speak to your agent first, Jared. It's not common knowledge that I'm an ex-hooker, but there are no guarantees it won’t come out. Just… humor me, all right? Ask your agent."
He scribbles something down on a paper napkin and hands it to Jared. "This is my number. Once you've talked to your agent-" He pauses to give Jared a stern look, "-call me, and let me know what you've decided."
Then he stands up and Jared realises he's leaving. And he's not ready for Jensen to go yet. He's really not. His heart starts thudding at the idea that that might be it for another painful few months, or even longer. He doesn't even think about what he's doing, just grabs at Jensen's sleeve and holds on.
As Jared's fingertips brush against Jensen's wrist, Jensen freezes where he is. His expression is carefully controlled, guarded. People are looking in their direction and Jared lets his grip go slack, his hand still stretched out between them. Jensen considers him a moment longer, still with that blank, cautious look, then sinks back into his seat.
"Nick Buxcey," Jared says, his voice a rough whisper. It's still enough to provoke a distinct flinch from Jensen.
"Don’t you dare say I told you so."
Jared shakes his head. "No. No… I just… You know, when I heard- heard what he'd done…" He swallows hard, painfully. "I thought it was you. I thought he'd… I was so scared, Jen. I came back to L.A. to look for you, couldn't find you. Spent pretty much the whole day thinking it was you. I was so scared."
Jensen looks horrified, the full bow of his lips parted in a small oh. He looks away, his eyelashes dark and feathery against his cheeks. Then he shakes his head.
"No. No, I didn't see him again after-"
He sags backwards and gives Jared an odd smile. Beautiful but unsettling.
"You wanna know something? That day with Nick? When he-" Jensen touches his fingertips to his throat, an automatic reflex to thinking what Nick had done to him. "I was praying you'd come, come save me." He gives a sharp, mocking laugh. "All the times I said I didn't need you… I did, and I didn't realise it until then, when I was so fucking grateful just to hear you in the room. And I really… I didn't want to need you like I did."
He wipes his fingertips over his mouth and his gaze darts towards Jared, wary and uneasy.
"Sure, you shouldn't have beaten up a client but that wasn't why I acted like I did. I'm sorry, Jared. You didn't do anything I didn't want you to."
The apology and the confession hang in the air. Jared just stares at him, numb and feeling like he's only now registering the enormity of the mistake he made in leaving - which is really something considering he was already pretty sure that it was his worst idea ever.
"What was so wrong with needing me?" he says, his voice tiny and confused. Because none of it had to be like this. He could have been with Jensen all this time. He could have been happy instead of so cold and wretched inside.
Something flickers across Jensen's face and he raises an eyebrow at Jared, as if he should know the answer.
"Because I didn't know how I'd cope if you ever left me. And I didn't want to find out."
This time, he doesn't let Jared stop him when he goes.
:::
Chad's still on the set of his show when Jared gets there. Jared visits regularly enough that one of the crew tells him where to find Chad without him even having to ask. He loiters at the edge of the set, his gaze trained on the scene even though he's barely taking any of it in. It's just Chad and some guy and some girl who may possibly be Chad's onscreen girlfriend but Jared's not sure because he can't keep up with the stupidly complicated romances.
"Aren't you s'posed to be on your way to San Antonio?" Chad says, when he finally gets over to him.
"Yeah, uh…" Jared glances around awkwardly, noting the number of people in close proximity, and he steers Chad away from the main bustle, towards his trailer. "Man, I just saw Jensen."
"What? In Vancouver? What the fuck's he doing here?"
Jared waits until the door to Chad's trailer is closed behind them before he sags down onto the couch. He feels exhilarated and weak and in shock, all at once. In a display of uncharacteristic thoughtfulness, Chad presses a shot glass into Jared's hand and fills it with vodka from his mini-fridge.
"He needed me to - See, he's… It's kind of hard to explain."
Dumbly, Jared gives up trying to make sense of it in words and hands the envelope to Chad. He watches Chad take the photo out and study it, frowns when he sees the tight, hard lines appear on Chad's face.
"Fucking asshole! He's trying to blackmail you? I'm gonna kick his fucked-out ass from here to next fucking week!"
"No, no, it's not like that!" Jared lets out a frustrated breath and takes a large gulp of vodka. "He's not trying to blackmail me. He wouldn't. He's… uh… well, he's a photographer now. And there's gonna be an exhibition of his work in New York. And he wanted my permission to show it."
Only a little calmer, Chad looks back down at the photo. Then he frowns at Jared, cocks his head at him.
"Are you gonna say yes?"
"I already did. But Jensen insisted I talk to my agent." He pauses. "Take it you don't think I should, right?"
Chad doesn't answer for a long while. Instead, he occupies himself with refilling Jared's glass and getting a glass for himself. Then he props himself up against the wall, surveys Jared with narrowed eyes and shrugs.
"You gonna be any less miserable if you say yes? Because, let's face it, you've done fuck-all about moving on, haven't you? You're still as wrapped up in him as you were when this whole fucking thing started."
"We’re not just talking about the photo now, right?"
Chad laughs and raises his glass to Jared. "Give the boy a fucking cigar!" He smiles, teasing and bright. "Anything that's gonna stop you being this emo little bitch for the rest of your goddamn life sounds like an awesome idea to me. And at least it's not Mack the Dickwad you're popping a boner for, right? I've learnt to count my blessings where your fucked-up love life is concerned."
Jared nods somberly and leans forward to clink his glass to Chad's.
"You're a true friend, Murray."
:::
The napkin Jensen wrote his number down on for Jared has only left Jared's pocket when he takes it out to smooth his fingers over it. He checks for it frequently, just in case he somehow, disastrously, loses it. Not that it'd matter in terms of being able to get a hold of Jensen, because he's stared at it long enough to memorise the number already. But he likes to look at it and smile at Jensen's scrawled handwriting.
He wants to call it right now, just to hear Jensen's voice, just to talk to him. He considers calling to tell him that he's sending a copy of the photo to his agent, and then he can call again after talking to his agent.
But his agent gets back to him too quickly for him to put that plan into action.
"I don't see how this is gonna hurt," Geri says over the phone. "The whole stunt with Mack has made the issue of your sexuality a non-issue, if you know what I mean. You've already put that out there. And I did a little digging on your friend…"
Jared's already explained how he knows Jensen, though not in any great detail. From the few references Geri has made to it, Jared's pretty sure she's got Jensen down as the cause of Jared's heartbreak and hasn't pushed for details. Even knowing all this, Jared still gets a moment of protective defensiveness at her remark.
"I really doubt you've found anything more suspect about him than I've already told you."
"Oh calm down, kid! Ex-hooker, I got it. I don't care about that. We can spin that our way if it ever comes out, and I'm guessing there are enough people who aren't gonna want that to happen. Ooh, looking at the pictures of him, doesn't hurt he's so pretty! No, no, but what I'm trying to tell you, is that your guy's not doing badly for himself. Had a set in one of the edgier fashion magazines, got a few positive mentions in the press. Annie Leibovitz isn't gonna be losing any sleep but… well, he's a pretty exciting prospect and you're hot property, the two of you together could be spectacular."
Heat sweeps across Jared's cheeks and spreads up the back of his neck. He clears his throat.
"We're just talking about letting him display a picture of me. Don't get carried away."
"And I'm talking about if you find yourself wanting to go a little further," Geri says bluntly.
Irritation flares up in Jared, as if his career would have any bearing on his relationship - or lack of one - with Jensen. He resents the implication that it might and works hard to keep his tone polite and his voice level.
"Geri, I appreciate it and all but… I don't need your stamp of approval."
"Tough. You've got it anyway." She pauses, then says. "It's a nice picture he took of you, baby. We might wanna think about using him for some of your promo shots. You think about it, yeah?"
She hangs up and Jared stares mutinously at the phone. Right now, he wishes she'd told him he couldn't exhibit the picture, just so he would have the satisfaction of disobeying her and doing it anyway.
:::
His breath catches when Jensen answers the phone, which is stupid because he was expecting Jensen to answer and would have been disappointed if his call had gone to voicemail. Still, he ends up giving a hitched sigh instead of saying hi or something.
"Jared?" says Jensen. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just a hiccup, sorry. So, listen, I spoke to my agent and she's fine about you showing the picture. Do you need me to sign something?"
"Yeah. I can have the paperwork sent to you. You still in Vancouver?"
"No, back at San Antonio. You got a pen so I can give you the address?"
There's a pause and then Jensen says, "No, I've got it. You gave it to Sam when you went back that time, remember? I've… I've still got it." Another pause before Jensen coughs and says, "I'll have the papers sent over to you. Thank you, for agreeing, I mean. I appreciate it."
"No problem. So, uh, you gonna give me a time and a place for this exhibition? That's if… if you don't mind me showing up?"
The immediate dead silence clenches hard in Jared's stomach and he flounders, trying to find a way to smooth over the apparent rejection and to rationalise away the hurt. But Jensen speaks before he gets chance.
"I'll send the details with the paperwork. But, y'know, you'll probably be filming again by then and it's in New York and you'd probably find the whole thing really fucking dull so I'm not gonna be offended if-"
"Jen. I want to come. I will be there."
He stops right then. Because all of a sudden he knows what he needs to say to Jensen. For his own sake. And once he's starts talking, the words come so easily it's like he's had them planned forever.
"You know I still love you, right? No, no, you don't have to answer. Just… let me. I still love you and that's not going to change. I thought it would but… it's not. But I'm not saying it because I'm expecting anything from you. I know I hurt you. I know I did and I'd do anything to go back and do it differently because I'd rather be right there with you, be there for you, than miles away and worrying."
Jensen doesn't say anything but that's all right. Jared's all right with that because it just feels so good to finally be saying it. He's still in love with Jensen and that's just how the story goes.
"I'm not gonna say it again, not gonna embarrass you in public with it," Jared says. "You've moved on and I'm not trying to make your life more complicated. I know we can't go back and I'm not asking you to. And it's fine if you don't wanna hear from me again. But… I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm always going to. Just… you should know that."
There's still silence on the other end and Jared nods.
"Okay then," he says. "Bye."
He ends the call and sits there, feeling strangely zen.
:::
Two days later, the paperwork turns up. Jared sits at the kitchen table, eating the slice of hot apple pie his mom put in front of him, and gives it a cursory once-over. He trusts Jensen not to screw him over on this. In fact, Jensen's probably taken more care to safeguard Jared's interests than Jared has. Showing it to a lawyer seems like an unnecessary bother, so Jared simply signs it.
It's like the infection in a wound has finally been cleaned out. It still hurts and it's always going to, but the sting of it has gone. Jared's come to terms with how he feels about Jensen and even if he can't move on, he can move forward.
Along with the papers, there is a small, stiff black card in the envelope. It's a printed invitation to a photographic exhibition of Jensen Ackles' work, giving venue and date. It's only a few lines of text and there's nothing personal in it but Jared sits back in his chair to read it over and over nonetheless.
:::
In the weeks leading up to the exhibition, Jared doesn't hear from Jensen. He doesn't expect to. There's every chance that Jensen's completely freaked out by what Jared said in his last call. Maybe he thinks Jared shouldn't have said all he did or maybe he thinks Jared's kind of pathetic for clinging to a relationship that's been over for what feels like a lifetime. Jared accepts the manifold possibilities with equanimity because he's satisfied with having finally said it. And whereas nothing's going to stop him loving Jensen, not even Jensen's disapproval, he's not trying to make Jensen uncomfortable about it either.
He goes to the exhibition by himself. Both Sandy and Chad offer to go with him but Jared's happier going this one alone. He gets in to New York with a few hours to spare before the opening and he spends the time getting checked into his hotel, showering and dressing. He chooses his clothes with care rather than desperate uncertainty. There's a vague thrill of excitement going through him at the thought of seeing Jensen. And he wants to see the exhibition itself, to see the physical evidence of the raw talent he always knew Jensen possessed. But it's a manageable buzz. Pleasant, instead of jarring.
It's raining when he sets out, gray and glistening in the city. Jared watches the shimmering, brilliant gleam of the city lights, caught in the raindrops dribbling down the cab window on the drive over.
Even as he's walking into the bright white rooms of the gallery, he retains a sense of inner calm. There's a respectable number of people present but Jared's not here for them. His gaze is drawn immediately to the large photos on the wall. The subject matter varies: portraits of people, blank landscapes, pictures taken on the street. Some of it is new to Jared, but some of it he recognises.
There are a couple of shots that he knows are of Los Angeles, achingly familiar. And there's a picture of Jeff, half-turned away from the camera but the smile clear on his face, eyes warm. There's nothing to hint at the nature of the relationship between Jeff and Jensen but the picture suggests intimacy all the same.
And then there's the picture of Jared. It's pretty fucking massive, and more breathtaking on that scale. Jared stares at it for a long while, oblivious to the people milling around him until someone lays a hand on his shoulder. He turns and finds himself face to face with Jeff himself.
"Think you got more wall-space than I did," he says, inclining his head towards the picture of Jared with a grin.
"You're dressed, I'm pretty obviously nude," Jared says and shrugs. "Not a tough decision to make." He glances around. "Jensen around anywhere?"
Jeff's grin broadens and he leans in, lowering his voice. "Think he's hiding out back 'til everyone goes home. Our boy's not so good with crowds, y'know? Chris Kane's had his hands full just making sure he doesn't run out."
"Sounds about right."
They stand together in companionable silence. Jared is aware of the curious looks sent their way, particularly at him. It's probably a combination of his mild fame and the fact he's standing right by a large picture of himself of him, naked and asleep in bed. Jeff pays the looks no attention and neither does Jared.
"He's doing good, isn’t he?" Jared says finally, wanting to hear someone else confirm it.
Jeff doesn't answer, keeps his gaze fixed on Jared's picture. Then he looks at him and grins. "I am so fucking proud of him. He turned things right around. Took everything that got thrown at him and just kept on going. For a while there, things were looking pretty shaky but… he got through."
"Shaky? You're talking about the thing with…" Jared glances around and drops his voice a notch. "With Nick Buxcey?"
"I'm talking about you leaving." Jeff looks back at the picture. His tone stays friendly as he adds, "Better not be planning on pulling another stunt like that." Before Jared has to start fumbling around for a response for that, Jeff says, "You heard Buxcey was found guilty?"
Jared looks at him sharply and Jeff nods, matter-of-fact. Jared lets out a sigh and mirrors the nod. They don't need to say any more about it: good news like that doesn't need any discussion. Jared's gaze drifts over the crowd and he spots Chris coming through the door. Jensen's not with him but Chris doesn't start frowning until his eyes meet Jared's. His course changes abruptly to head straight for Jared.
"Uh… I take it Chris still wants to kick my ass?" Jared says.
"Don't worry," says Jeff in a reassuring tone of voice. "I won't let him raise hell in public. This is Jensen's big night, after all."
"Oh so he'll wait to ambush me in private? Awesome."
Jeff laughs but doesn't deny it. He turns to look at Chris as he reaches them and raises an eyebrow.
"You coaxed him out of hiding yet? People want to meet the artist."
"He's coming," Chris says but he refuses to be distracted from Jared. "Do me a favor, boy. Keep the hell away from him tonight. He's under enough pressure, don't need you adding to it."
"I'm not planning on adding to it," Jared says. "I just wanted to be here, okay?"
All he gets is a very unimpressed glare from Chris. Jeff shoots him a mildly sympathetic look but that's it. As far as they're concerned, Jared guesses, he doesn't deserve much more. Besides, he likes to think of Jensen with all these protective people around him, even if all that protectiveness is currently being directed against him.
There's a sudden spike of noise across the room and when Jared looks over, he sees Jensen, flushed and edgy but surrounded by people. They're all leaning in to talk to him, taking turns shaking his hand or kissing him on the cheek. Someone starts clapping and then it's all applause, a shattering wave through the room. And Jared knows Jensen's probably hating it but there's no way he's not going to join in.
Everyone seems to surge in towards Jensen and Jared's happy to simply to drift to the back and watch Jensen shine in the spotlight.
:::
It takes a while for Jared to be able to get close. He hangs back and waits until there's a relative lull and he can get to Jensen's side without having to elbow, kick or push his way there.
"Hey," he says, and Jensen looks away from the woman he's just been speaking to, and finally sees him. His face freezes and then he smiles uncertainly.
"Jay. You came." He glances around the bustling gallery then back to Jared, rubbing the back of his neck. "Pretty crazy, huh?"
"Really spectacular. It's awesome, man."
Jensen doesn't really seem to have any answer to that so he just smiles some more. Jared gets the impression he's pretty uncomfortable in Jared's presence, which was never his intention. Just as he's about to reach out and shake Jensen's hand, make his goodbyes and move on, Chris comes up and drapes his arm over Jensen's shoulder. The grin he gives Jared isn't very friendly.
"So how long is the flight from New York to Vancouver?" he says. "They got you shooting tomorrow, Padalecki?"
Jared can't help smiling at the not so subtle hint and nods, taking a step back.
"You're right. I've got a really early morning ahead of me. I should be going."
"Jared Padalecki?" There's a woman just moved up to join them, smartly dressed and a camera held in her hands. She smiles and holds up a press pass. "Hi, I'm Lucy Cresswell from Art Express. Could I get a picture of you and Jensen together?"
Even as Jared's smiling and nodding, he's looking to Jensen to make sure he's got his approval. There's an awkward moment where Jensen hesitates, his face oddly still as if he's about to decline. But then his eyes meet Jared's and he smiles a little and says, "Yeah, sure."
And then he moves towards Jared, unsure and faltering, before Jared reaches out and pulls him closer, his arm curling around Jensen's back. It's a guilty pleasure, being able to touch Jensen like this again, and Jared's careful not to take advantage of the situation, doesn't hold him too tight. Jensen keeps very still and then Jared feels the exact moment he relaxes, the faint press of his body back against Jared's.
Jared's breath rushes out in a small, contented sigh and then he grins at the camera. After the picture's taken, Jensen doesn't pull away immediately. Jared lets his fingers brush over his back, the elegant column of Jensen's spine right there beneath the thin fabric of his black shirt, as he takes his arm away.
"Thank you both," says Lucy. She's still smiling hugely, unable to believe her luck. "I had no idea you two knew each other. It was quite a surprise to walk in and find such a gorgeous picture of one of the hottest TV stars on the wall! So how did that come about?"
"Right place, right time," Jared says smoothly, without even looking to Jensen. "Lucy, I'm sorry, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta get some sleep. Got a very early flight in the morning to get back to Vancouver." He flashes a smile at Jensen. "Awesome work, man. Seriously."
He leaves while Jensen is still stuttering out his thanks, or it's maybe just goodbye he's saying.
:::
It's still raining when he gets outside and, hunching his shoulders, he flips the collar of his coat up and moves to the edge of the sidewalk to hail a taxi. The tires of the cars passing by sound sticky on the wet road. Night has crept in, a blanketing darkness pinpricked by the city-lights.
A taxi crawls to a halt and Jared jogs towards it. He's just pulling the door open and climbing in when he hears someone call his name behind him.
It's Jensen. He hasn't even grabbed his coat and his hair is already dark with damp.
"What if I want you to say it again? That thing you said on the phone," he blurts out. There's clear distress on his face and Jared instinctively takes a step away from the cab and towards him. "Everything you said, was that…? I mean, what if I felt the same? What if I haven't moved on either? 'Cause if you haven't moved on and I haven't, then it'd be kind of stupid not to…"
Then he just stands there, chest heaving with the rush of words, and the rain steadily soaks his shirt.
"Buddy, are we going somewhere or not?" the cab driver growls, apparently deeply uninterested in the fact that Jared's heart is threatening to explode in his chest.
He's jolted out of his daze and he grins at Jensen hopefully, steps back to hold the taxi door open for him.
"You wanna get outta here?"
:::
They don't touch each other. Don't look at each other. Don't even talk. Jensen gazes out of the window, the angles and hollows of his face painted black while colors from the city splash across his skin, beads of rainwater still in his hair, caught like tears in his lashes. Jared alternates between watching the cab driver watch them in the rear view mirror, and watching Jensen. The cab driver's scrutiny is curious rather than hostile and Jared settles into the drive, the sheer simple bliss of being with Jensen again.
They reach Jared's hotel and Jensen follows Jared in. Halfway across the lobby, Jared thinks how weird it is to be taking Jensen up to his hotel room, the surreal symmetry of it. He looks over his shoulder to say something but sees Jensen's already smiling.
"I know," Jensen says, his eyes bright and warm.
They both laugh and Jared catches Jensen's wrist to tug him up alongside him. Jensen leans into him and Jared really needs to get them both into his room as soon as fucking possible. But he doesn't need to wait that long. When the elevator doors slide shut on them, the opportunity for a moment's privacy hits him hard. He hasn’t been alone with Jensen in forever.
His instinctive reaction is to press Jensen up against the wall and kiss him half to death. He has been dreaming of kissing Jensen. But it's been so long that it's almost like starting again, albeit with the knowledge of just how good kissing Jensen feels. Logically, Jared knows that Jensen wouldn’t be coming back to his room with him if he didn't want him - and that thought leaves him hot and heavy in his belly - but he still feel like he needs to ask permission.
He's just unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth to get the words out when the elevator doors slide open. He lets out an angry huff of breath and strides towards his room.
"This is me," he says and rattles the keycard in the lock.
He scowls as the damn thing just beeps a tiny red light at him and then Jensen's hand closes around his, light and warm. He's absurdly aware of Jensen's presence right beside him.
"Here, let me," Jensen murmurs. He takes the keycard from Jared and slides it smoothly into the lock.
They make it into the room, which is simple but expensively dressed. The air is full of the smooth hush of the hotel late at night. Jared shrugs his coat off and crosses to the bathroom, bringing a thick, cream towel back for Jensen. With a grateful smile, Jensen takes it and pats at his hair and shoulders.
Jared doesn't know what to say. They seem so close to getting back to where he wants them to be, they're almost there, but he doesn't know how to get them that last mile. He wants these last two years not to have happened.
He just wants Jensen back. And then decides that's probably what he should say.
"Can we try again?" Jensen says, before Jared can string a sentence together. "I mean, it should be less complicated, right? I'll promise not to sleep with people for money and you'll promise not to beat the crap outta them?" His tone says it's a joke, but it also acknowledges how things have changed. It's full of hope.
"I don't care how complicated it gets," Jared says. "So long as it's you and me, it can get as fucking complicated as it likes, I won’t give a shit."
"There are still going to be people who know I used to be a hooker," Jensen says. He pulls a face. "Mack Kennedy, for one. It might all come out, Jay. We can't be open about it, you know that, right?"
"We'll work something out."
He lays a hand on Jensen's cheek, his thumb at the dip of the corner of Jensen's lips. He curls the other hand around the back of his neck and draws him closer. Jensen comes easily to him, tilting his forehead to Jared's, his eyes sinking shut.
Something like pure, undiluted happiness wells up inside Jared, through the cracks of the miserable time he spent apart from Jensen, and all that useless love he's been carrying around for Jensen turns fierce and overwhelming, something completely impossible to get his breath around.
"I'm so sorry, Jen." His voice is a whisper, the end of it lost as he finds Jensen's mouth with his own and kisses him, tender and adoring. Jensen's lips part ever so slightly in a sigh before he kisses Jared back, his fingers clenching the front of Jared's shirt.
"I'm so sorry I left you," Jared says, his mouth still so close to Jensen's that their lips brush as he speaks. "I should never have left you. Stupidest damn thing I ever did. So so sorry…"
"I forgive you. Just… just don't ever do it again. Please don't."
Jared laughs and shakes his head, murmuring I won't, I won't, I promise I won't over and over as he feathers kisses over Jensen's face, along the arch of his cheekbone, to the soft skin just in front of his ear and back along the firm line of his jaw.
"Tell me you have something," Jensen murmurs, his eyes still closed. He tilts his head to allow Jared better access to where he's sucking on his jawbone, wrapping his fingers in Jared's shirt in order to keep him pulled close up against him.
Jared freezes.
"I don't," he says. "Fuck. I don't." He pulls back enough to meet Jensen's gaze and then kind of wishes he hadn’t. Jensen's eyes are dark with arousal, heavy-lidded. He really needs to be having sex with Jensen, right this second. "I wasn't planning on… Do you?"
Jensen shakes his head, a dazed smile tugging at his lips and Jared wonders how he can be smiling when the situation is so catastrophic.
"I got out of the trade, then realised there wasn't anyone I actually wanted to fuck if I wasn't getting paid for it. Only person I wanted was you," Jensen says and then Jared gets it and starts smiling too, helpless and so much in love he wonders how the hell he actually survived.
"Okay," he breathes out. "Okay, we'll uh… There's gotta be some in the bathroom, right? Fancy hotel like this? Gotta have condoms. If they don't have condoms Imma write me a lot of angry letters to the management. Lack of proper supplies, bad customer service not giving 'em condoms."
He lets go of Jensen, unwillingly, and even though his cock is a distinct reminder of the pressing need for condoms right the fuck now, he still has to take a moment just to look at Jensen, to revel in him being here with him.
"You, do not leave this room, 'kay? I'm just gonna go check the bathroom, but please do not go anywhere. I will be right back."
Jensen sinks down onto the foot of the bed. Smiles, slow and smouldering, as he starts flipping the buttons open on his shirt.
"Where the fuck d'you think I'm gonna be going?"
Even as he's ransacking the bathroom with shaking hands, Jared keeps an ear out for the suite door. It's not like he really thinks Jensen's going to take off but on the other hand he's not taking any risks. He upends a couple of baskets of mini toiletries before he finally finds condoms.
"Ha!" he bellows. "We have condoms, baby!"
Belatedly, he remembers that it's pretty late at night, that his voice kind of carries and that the people in the rooms either side really don't need to hear all about it. He hopes that having paid enough for the room it comes with decent soundproofing.
He charges back into the other room, waving the condoms at Jensen triumphantly, and then has to skid to a halt, because Jensen is naked and on the bed and looking at him. He's not spread out for him, there's none of that practiced sensuality that used to hit Jared with an ugly kind of unwelcome heat. This is how it used to be, how it was the first time, both direct and vulnerable all at once.
"Jesus," he says, his voice choked and distant. "Did you get even more fucking gorgeous while I was gone?"
"Gone in the bathroom or gone in Vancouver?" Jensen says.
He rolls forward onto his knees and Jared's mind goes blank except for serious contemplation of the play of Jensen's muscles beneath the smoothness of his skin. He reaches for Jared and pulls him to him, tugging him down to kiss him again, short and hard, leaving Jared breathless.
"And what 'bout you, huh? Running off and letting ev'ryone fall in love with you? Sexiest guy on TV, it's official."
Jared laughs, low and rumbling, and pushes forward to bear Jensen down onto the bed. He props himself up on his forearms, one either side of Jensen's face. He likes having the length of his body covering Jensen's, likes having Jensen pinned down on the bed under him, both unwilling and unable to get away.
"You saw that then?" he says, too turned on to feel self-conscious about the poll.
There's a sliver of Jared's belly left bare where his t-shirt has ridden up and when Jensen arches his hips up into him, the damp head of his cock glides over his skin.
"Saw it? Jay, I voted in it."
He laughs and bites his lip as he struggles to get Jared's t-shirt up over his head. It's not because Jared doesn't want to be naked with Jensen that he doesn't help, more to do with the spikes of arousal that go through him with Jensen struggling and squirming beneath him.
"But you know what I don't like about your show?" Jensen stops what he's doing and tries to look serious and earnest at Jared, though the attempt is hindered by the muzzy look in his eyes. "They don't let you do nearly enough shirtless scenes, Jared. It's a fucking crime. You're so-" He breaks off, finally managing to get Jared's t-shirt up high enough for him to rub his thumb along the hard definition of muscle. "So fucking gorgeous. Built like a fucking god, you know that, right? They should be writing naked scenes for you into every goddamn episode."
As Jared pulls away just long enough to strip off his t-shirt, Jensen traces his collarbone with a slow, faltering fingertip, his touch butterfly-light.
"I told myself I wasn't gonna watch it, your show, 'cause, y'know, what was the fucking point in watching?" he says, something small and solemn creeping into his voice. "But I watched every single episode, Jared. And I don't have the first fucking clue what the damn story is, because I was only watching you."
Jared catches his hand in his, kisses each fingertip in turn and tries to coax a smile back to Jensen's face. But it won’t come. Jensen's eyes are fixed on his face, too intense, too violently bright. He's thinking again and Jared can just about guess the train of his thoughts.
"Don't," he says. "Don’t go back there."
He cradles Jensen's face in his hands and kisses him, licking and nipping at the full curve of his lips, just to bring him back from that place in his head. Because otherwise Jared'll have to think about how fucking miserable he's been without Jensen, and he'll think about the guys who'll have fucked Jensen, used him and maybe even hurt him, while Jared wasn't there to look after him. And he'll think about how the whole damn separation was his fault for walking out.
"No," he mumbles into the corner of Jensen's mouth. "Not happening again. Not ever. You're mine, gonna take good care of you, baby. 'Cause I love you, and not a damn thing matters 'sides that."
Jensen's lips are swollen and pink, soft and almost hurt looking. He's watching Jared like he can't entirely believe that he's actually here, his fingers curled around his upper arms with a subtle kind of desperation. But he catches the look in Jared's eyes, all that devotion and love, and right there and then, he's smiling again.
With a sudden flexing of muscle, Jensen flips them over. Slowly and deliberately, he writhes until he's spread out, straddling Jared's hips. He leans forward, all innate grace, and rubs the heel of his palm over the front of Jared's jeans, where his cock is so stiff he thinks it might be making him dizzy from the lack of blood in his brain. Light gleams gold and white over Jensen's shoulders, turns his eyes inhumanly green. He's kind of heartbreakingly beautiful and Jared can't bring himself to do a damn thing but lay back and let him do just exactly as he pleases with him.
As it turns out, Jensen's plans for him are nothing Jared's gonna be complaining about.
He works Jared's jeans down his thighs and off him, shimmying the material over skin that's weirdly sensitive to the barest brush of Jensen's fingers. His concentration is fixed solely on Jared. The ceiling could probably come crashing down around them and as long as Jensen could still get at Jared's cock, huge and hard and dark with arousal, he wouldn’t even notice.
There's a thin electric shiver going through Jared's body as he waits for Jensen to duck just low enough for the head of Jared's cock to bump against the fullness of his kiss-bruised lower lip and then slide right on in. His belly clenches tight with anticipation because he remembers just how insanely good it feels to have his cock nestled in Jensen's mouth. Guilty and shameful, he's jerked off to the memory of it too many times while they've been apart for him not to react to the prospect of the real thing.
And when it finally happens, when Jensen opens up for him, Jared's still not prepared for it. He jolts upwards, cock slamming hard past Jensen's lips and choking off Jensen's moan. As he flails around to grab a handful of Jensen's hair and haul his mouth off Jared's dick before Jared face-fucks him senseless, he somehow gets distracted by the fingers Jensen's pressing to Jared's lips. He latches on, sucking greedily and remembering the taste of Jensen's skin, while Jensen eases inch by inch of Jared's cock into his mouth.
Jensen sucks cock noisily, with a kind of unselfconscious sincerity that Jared finds filthier and more erotic than any of the stuff Jensen did professionally. Slurping and moaning and so fucking wet. His head bobs between Jared's spread thighs as he fucks his mouth on Jared's cock and Jared's just about to let his eyes slide shut when Jensen slips his fingers free from Jared's mouth and brings them down between his legs.
"Oh God," Jared groans out, his voice raw as he realises what Jensen's about to do.
His body makes a strange, intriguing shape, spine curving elegantly, as Jensen keeps his mouth wrapped around Jared's dick while he works his fingers into his own ass. At this angle, Jared can't see it. He wants to, he really wants to see Jensen fingering himself open, squirming and stabbing his spit-slick fingers into himself so Jared's cock can fit in his ass, good and snug. But he has to make do with watching the flex of Jensen's wrist, the sweat glistening on his skin. It's all right though, he manages to cope with the disappointment of not being able to see, thanks to the expertise with which Jensen's swallowing down his dick.
"That's it, baby, just like that, take it just like that… Jen, fucking hell, wanna fuck you so bad, wanna be inside you again, baby. Been too long. Gonna fill you up so good, give you just what you need, yeah?"
With a lewd, moist pop as he pulls his mouth free, Jensen looks up at him, lips obscenely swollen and pouting from letting Jared's cock fuck into them, his eyes heavy-lidded. He smiles at Jared and even if Jensen weren't the hottest fuck Jared's ever had, the depth of emotion showing clear on his face would have Jared more turned on than would be possible with anyone else.
"Yeah, s'right… s'what I need," Jensen agrees, his voice already soft and fucked out.
He pulls his fingers free from between his thighs and reaches for one of the condoms. His eyes stay fixed on Jared's face while he slowly sheathes him in the latex.
Then Jensen rises up onto his knees, a look of intense concentration on his face, brows drawn together as he curls his fingers around Jared's cock and guides him into him. He holds Jared steady as he sinks down onto him. There's a moment of pushing, Jensen's face tight with something almost like pain, the strong muscles in his thighs shivering with the strain, and then a sudden shove and Jared's cock is disappearing into his ass.
"Baby," Jared murmurs with infinite tenderness. "So beautiful, baby."
Jensen's gaze snaps to his face, his expression smoothing out to open exhilaration, then he slams himself down hard, taking Jared's cock to the root in one second flat, and Jared can barely make a fucking sound his whole body clenches so tight. His hands move over Jensen's hips and the spread cheeks of his ass, petting and stroking mindlessly. Rocking forward, Jensen lets Jared slide out of him, until only the head of his cock is stretching him open. Jensen's breathing is coming in broken little pants and, bent forward like this, Jared can just about reach his face and he sets about kissing and licking at Jensen's lips, stealing away what little breath he has.
He's interrupted by Jensen squirming back down onto his cock, taking it slower this time, more deliberately letting Jared fuck inch after inch up his ass. Jared wants to see where they're joined, wants to touch the delicate stretch of Jensen's skin around his cock, but the angle's wrong and his hands are too preoccupied with wandering over the silky expanse of his neck and back. It feels too damn good to simply let Jensen ride him.
Jensen's whole body is shaking from the effort he's putting into fucking himself on Jared's cock, hips rolling and dipping, up and off before bearing back down hard. He's rocking himself in Jared's lap, his back arched and his hands spread out over Jared's chest, nails clawed into his skin to keep his balance. And it hurts and it's perfect and it's all Jared ever wants.
When Jensen's rhythm starts to falter and the look in his eyes is so dazed he looks about to pass out at any second, Jared decides it's time for him to take over. He plants his feet square against the sheets, grips Jensen's hips to hold him still, and gives one long, smooth thrust up into him. Transfixed, he watches Jensen's eyes roll back, lips going slack and his body turning boneless.
Whatever Jensen tries to say comes out in a slurred moan, a soft sound trapped in the back of his throat. Jared just grins at him, tightens his sweat-slippery hold on Jensen and does it again. Gritting his teeth, Jensen scrabbles weakly at Jared's chest as he grinds his ass back down onto him. He clenches hard and Jared groans, loud and long.
"C'mon, Jay, that's right… feels so damn good, do it jus' like that."
It's absurdly hot how pliant Jensen is, how he lets Jared bodily lift him up on his cock before dragging him right back down. Going ragdoll limp, Jensen rolls right forward, face buried in Jared's shoulder, and gives himself up to Jared. Muscles working tight and hard, Jared holds Jensen in place and fucks up into him with fast, rocking thrusts, using all the strength he can summon up without hurting Jensen.
When he comes, all he can do is hang onto Jensen, keeping him ground down tight on Jared's lap. His hips buck sluggishly as his cock pulses in Jensen's ass. The force of it nearly knocks him out and he just lies there, gasping for breath and trying to get his vision to clear.
Vaguely, he can feel Jensen trying to push back against him but he's clinging too tight for Jensen to really move. He registers Jensen wrapping his hand around his cock, jacking himself off, can hear his frantic, whimpery sighs. Then he realises what's happening and finds the coordination to bat Jensen away and get his own hand on Jensen's cock, working it wet and straining through his fist. And Jensen comes like all he needed was for Jared to do exactly that, just to touch him.
Between them, they let Jared's softening cock slip loose from Jensen's ass - Jensen lifting up just a little and Jared giving a feeble twitch of his hips. Jensen slips over to sprawl out by Jared's side and Jared disposes of the condom. Then Jared is able to collapse back on the hot, damp sheets and watch Jensen, who's already drifting off to sleep.
He nuzzles closer and Jensen isn't too far gone to meet his mouth for a sloppy, lazy kiss.
:::
It's only a few hours later when Jared wakes to Jensen laying light, feathery kisses over his face. He's still bone-tired, his body heavy and his brain fogged up, and it's supremely awesome to just lie there, eyes still closed, while Jensen whispers stupid endearments into his skin and kisses him. A smile tugs at his lips and he feels Jensen's shadow fall over him and the delicate press of Jensen's lips to each of his eyelids.
"Jay-red." Jensen drawls it out, long and playful. "Jared, you've got a flight to catch, baby. You've gotta go back to Vancouver."
Jared frowns at the reminder and shakes his head. "Nup. Not going." Finally, he opens his eyes and grins muzzily at the sight of Jensen's face. He reaches up and traces the high arch of Jensen's cheekbone, lets his fingertip come down to rest on Jensen's lower lip. "Come with me?"
Jensen hesitates, his expression torn, then he shakes his head. "Can't. Jay, I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving last night. I ran out of my own freaking exhibition. And I've got people I'm s'posed to be meeting. But-" He breaks off to lay a lingering kiss on Jared's mouth when he sees the protest forming on his lips. "But doesn't have to be for long. You gonna wait for me? Or you gonna pick up with some pretty little piece from Vancouver, huh?"
Jared doesn't dignify that with a response beyond a very contemptuous scowl. His expression softens as Jensen ducks his head and begins mouthing along the line of Jared's collarbone. He cards his fingers through Jensen's hair and allows himself time to wallow in being happy.
"What time is it?" he says.
"'Bout ten past five," Jensen says, his voice muffled in Jared's skin.
Jared grins. He catches Jensen's shoulders and rolls them over, nudging Jensen's thighs spread to settle between them. Jensen beams up at him.
"Then I've got plenty of time to say goodbye properly, yeah?"
:::
It's a pretty weird request but the PA's are awesome and kind of used to Jared not being the most straightforward of guys. And he doesn't ask for favors often so they get that this is a pretty big deal for him and are happy to help. They find him his copy of Art Express, have it sent up to Vancouver, and keep the teasing to a minimum.
Jared evades Mack and heads straight back to his trailer. He wedges the door shut and then spreads out on the couch. It takes him a while, flipping through the pages, but then he finds it. There's a whole half-page article on Jensen's photography, accompanied by the photo of the two of them standing together and the picture of Jared. Before he settles in to read what the opinion of the article is, he studies the photo of him and Jensen. There's a grin on his face, genuine but not wide, but it's Jensen in the picture that he can't take his eyes off. Jensen's gaze is fixed squarely on him, face tilted up to look at him, and the faintest smile appearing at the corners of his lips.
When he's finally able to get around to reading the article, Jared is delighted to discover that the only significant criticism levelled at Jensen is his personal unwillingness to talk to the press. And even this is passed off as an inconvenient but charming eccentricity. They have nothing but praise for him on every other score. Within the article are quotes from other - apparently prominent - photographers and every single one of them has only good things to say.
Jared is unable to stop beaming by the time he finishes reading. He's gone back to admiring the photo of him and Jensen when his cellphone rings. It takes him a moment to snap into answering it, and the main drive towards answering is the possibility that it's Jensen. So far this morning, Jensen has called twice and Jared has called him three times but that doesn't mean he'd say no to talking to him again.
Still, when he sees it's his agent instead, it's not like he can just ignore it now he's got the phone in his hand.
"Sweetheart, your boy is a keeper, you hear me?" Geri says. "I'm reading New York Voice and baby, he's making waves! I love him already. God, I can see it now: 'hot TV star with his quirky artist boyfriend'. I love it! He is gonna be so good for your career."
"Yeah, about that… I'm not doing a movie this summer."
Geri pauses and Jared patiently waits for her to explode or try to persuade him or something. He has his refusal all worked out and ready to go.
"But we talked about this," she says plaintively. "There are some exciting things coming up and you've got your pick of any of them you like. Why the hell aren’t you doing a movie?"
"Road trip. With Jensen." Jared shrugs, even though she can't see it. "So, unless you can fit one in around it… sorry."
There's a long silence then Geri tsks and sighs. "Can we do a trade-off?" she says.
epilogue and notes
It's December and they've just finished filming a Christmas episode of Rites. Jared thinks this is a bit bizarre considering the show's a horror-drama type of thing but it's a nice opportunity to let go of some of Damian's perpetual angst. The atmosphere on set has been cheerful and relaxed but Jared's still looking forward to breaking for the holidays.
He's just collecting his gear from the trailer when Mack props himself up in the doorway and starts talking.
"They're getting married, y'know." At the mildly confused, only marginally interested look Jared gives him, Mack goes on to say, "Brooke and Justin."
"Have they said this or have you been reading the fan-boards again? 'Cause you know the fans still think we're the happiest couple ever."
Mack shakes his head and ignores the fact Jared looks to be on his way out in order to spread out on the couch.
"Fuck no! Have you even been paying attention? They all think we've had some big bust up! S'why you look so fucking miserable all the time. Apparently I broke up with you when you took that tiny chick to the awards show instead of me."
"Oh, right," says Jared. He glances at Mack and sees him grinning. "That was kinda douchey of me. You had every right to break up with me. So, what do the fans make of Brooke and Justin then?"
"Not the fans, Jared. Jeez, how can you have missed the fucking rock on her finger? It's the size of a small state, like… like Rhode Island sized!"
"I… I haven't really been paying attention to her fingers?" Jared offers. He shrugs at Mack's incredulous frown. "Seriously, she's been wearing a ring? For how long?"
"This morning? Dude, still plenty long enough for you to have fucking noticed it!" Mack sighs and brushes his hair off his face with a graceful, distinctly well-practised, flick of his fingers. "Question is, what are we going to do about the wedding?"
Jared zips his bag shut and reaches for his coat. He holds the door open and gives Mack a meaningful look until he gets the hint and gets off the damn couch.
"Y'know, it's traditional to leave planning the wedding and all to the bride, groom and their families. Just a wild idea, but why don't we go with that?"
Mack cuffs him upside the head but at least he's off the couch and going. "I mean, there are gonna be photographers and press coverage and what are we gonna do?"
"Mack, buddy, I love you, but there is no way we're gonna hijack Brooke and Justin's wedding for the publicity opportunities. That's if they're even actually engaged, because I haven't seen a ring." Jared gives him a gentle push in the direction of his own trailer. "Now, you have a good break and I'll see you when I get back, 'kay?"
Mack stares at him for a moment then pulls a face. "I can't believe I didn't dump you sooner."
Jared laughs and waves him off. He makes his own way back to the hotel because everyone's running on their own schedules this close to the finale. Since it started to sound like Rites was good for a third season, Jared's gotten around to thinking he might sell the place in L.A. and buy himself something more permanent in Vancouver. There's no reason to go back to Los Angeles, nothing for him there.
Most of his stuff's already packed. He doesn't have much here and he threw the majority of it into a bag last night. There's still the inevitable last-minute clutter though, and when his cellphone rings, he's on his knees, hunting around beneath the couch for his sunglasses, which he hasn't needed in the godawful Vancouver weather for the last three weeks, but will definitely require in Texas.
He doesn't recognise the number and hesitates a second before answering it because you can never be too careful. But there's not a lot anyone can do to him over the phone and Jared figures he's a big enough boy to handle any mysterious callers, even if they might eventually evolve into psycho stalkers.
"Hi," says Jensen, when Jared answers.
Jared has no idea what to say. He can't even get his brain in gear enough to manage breathing right now, so how the hell is he supposed to find something intelligent - or even coherent - to say?
"Jared? That is you, right? It's Jensen. Uh… is now a bad time?"
"Jen." Jared lets out a shuddering breath and bites his cheek because his mouth is abruptly dry. "Jesus. I didn't think you were ever gonna call."
There's no response from Jensen to that and all too clearly Jared understands that he really hadn't wanted to call before.
"But you're calling now," he says. "How come?"
"Listen, I'm in Vancouver. I was wondering if-"
"Wait! You're here? Buh… when did you… what the hell are you doing here? Where are you?"
Jensen laughs but it's short and strained. "There's a bar on Denman Street, do you know it? It's pretty low-key so you shouldn't have to worry about anyone seeing you with me. Can you meet me there?"
It's less than an hour until Jared's flight to San Antonio. He's not going to be on it.
:::
The fact it's taken Jensen so goddamn long to get in touch should make Jared furious. He should take it as a sign of just how little Jensen cares and go there all ready to tell Jensen to go fuck himself.
It doesn't. He's not angry, not even a little. He's too fucking high at the prospect of seeing him again, of being in the same room as him again. Maybe it's pathetic to be like this but Jared can't snap out of it. And he doesn't even really want to, because he hasn't felt this kind of rush since he and Jensen were seeing each other.
The drive to the bar takes too long. Because, while he's driving, Jared gets to thinking. He can't be angry with Jensen, he's only ever going to be pleased to see him. But nothing has changed between them. Jared is in love with Jensen, just like he thinks he's always been, but he's still the guy who walked out on him too. Jensen's asked to see him but there'd been nothing in his voice or what he'd said to give the impression that he was doing anything more than, belatedly, returning a call.
It hits Jared hard and he stands in the parking lot of the bar, the chill, wintry wind stinging his cheeks, and takes a breath.
Maybe this is going to be goodbye. Maybe this is one more 'professional courtesy', a polite please don't call or expect me to call.
Ever so briefly, Jared wonders if it would hurt less to just walk away now, to live out the rest of his life thinking that maybe Jensen had still wanted him, rather than knowing for sure that he hadn’t. However, if Jensen's going to be civil enough to explicitly cut the tie between them then the least Jared can do is go along with it and show up.
Inside, his gaze finds Jensen immediately. Jensen's sitting alone in the corner, a bottle of beer by his hand, his shoulders hunched over a little as he flicks idly through the newspaper. He's wearing his glasses and just that simple detail brings a smile to Jared's lips.
So many months since Jared last saw him - storming out of the hotel room because Jared wanted to argue instead of fuck - and still so fucking gorgeous.
He doesn't see Jared until Jared's sliding into the seat across from him.
"Jared," he says. Finally, he finds a smile, uncertain and taut. "Thanks for coming."
"No problem. I wanted to see you." For a while, he does nothing but look at Jensen because it's been too long and the lines of the images in his memory had started to grow vague. "How have you been?"
Jensen nods. "Good, thanks. You? The show's doing awesome, right? Seen your face in all the magazines."
"Yeah, it's…" Jared scratches his jaw awkwardly, and settles for, "I'm really enjoying it." He sighs and frowns a little helplessly at Jensen. "You kind of fell off the map, man."
It takes Jensen a second to consider whether the comment's intended as a rebuke. Then he moves on, maybe deciding it isn't a rebuke or deciding not to call Jared on it if it is.
"Yeah. Well, after everything, I needed to get out, start out fresh. Took the whole thing as an opportunity. Just took the money and ran. And I'm doing well. Better than I expected. This is gonna sound pretty surreal but… I'm actually working as a photographer now." He laughs, flushing self-consciously. "The arty black and white, extreme close-up kind. Doing okay at it too. Working on making a name for myself, y'know?"
Jared's torn between letting his jaw drop and beaming.
"You're kidding me! Well… shit, Jen! That's just awesome!"
His response brightens Jensen's expression and his smile softens to one of genuine pleasure.
"I didn't expect it to take off so fast. Or… at all, really," he says. "But I wanted to give it a try. Then this guy I did some modelling for a while back picked up on some of my pictures. He seemed to like what he saw and… well, he had the right connections to get me noticed and… it's kind of gone from there. It's better luck than I deserve."
He reaches down to the seat beside him and places a large, brown envelope on the table between them. His fingers stay splayed out over it, like he's not even conscious they're there.
"Anyway, I've been invited to display some pictures at this exhibition next month. In New York. Should be pretty big. That is if I don't get laughed outta the joint." He lets out a nervous little sigh and then slides the envelope towards Jared. "I need your permission to display this photo, Jared. I think it's one of my best and I'd like to show it. But… I gotta know whether you'd be okay with that. That's what I came up here to ask."
Slowly, Jared fumbles the envelope open and draws the photo out.
It's the picture of him that he caught Jensen taking that morning while he was still mostly asleep and sprawled out across their bed. He'd forgotten all about it right until this moment.
The contrast between the whiteness of sunshine-soaked sheets he's laid out on, and the absolute black of the fall of his hair and the carved out shadows of his face kind of takes his breath away. But despite the monochromatic sharpness of the image, there's something undeniably soothing about it. Peaceful.
He looks at his face in the photo and wonders if that's how Jensen's always seen him.
"You don't have to answer right now," Jensen says into his silence. "You'll probably wanna talk to your agent, lawyer maybe, I don't know. I'll say the picture was posed, of course. I wouldn't let people think-"
"You've got my permission." Jared looks up from the photo, meets Jensen's wide green eyes. "I'll sign whatever you need. I'm giving you my permission."
Jensen hesitates, his eyes narrowing in thought. Then he smiles, polite and distant, and says, "You really should speak to your agent first, Jared. It's not common knowledge that I'm an ex-hooker, but there are no guarantees it won’t come out. Just… humor me, all right? Ask your agent."
He scribbles something down on a paper napkin and hands it to Jared. "This is my number. Once you've talked to your agent-" He pauses to give Jared a stern look, "-call me, and let me know what you've decided."
Then he stands up and Jared realises he's leaving. And he's not ready for Jensen to go yet. He's really not. His heart starts thudding at the idea that that might be it for another painful few months, or even longer. He doesn't even think about what he's doing, just grabs at Jensen's sleeve and holds on.
As Jared's fingertips brush against Jensen's wrist, Jensen freezes where he is. His expression is carefully controlled, guarded. People are looking in their direction and Jared lets his grip go slack, his hand still stretched out between them. Jensen considers him a moment longer, still with that blank, cautious look, then sinks back into his seat.
"Nick Buxcey," Jared says, his voice a rough whisper. It's still enough to provoke a distinct flinch from Jensen.
"Don’t you dare say I told you so."
Jared shakes his head. "No. No… I just… You know, when I heard- heard what he'd done…" He swallows hard, painfully. "I thought it was you. I thought he'd… I was so scared, Jen. I came back to L.A. to look for you, couldn't find you. Spent pretty much the whole day thinking it was you. I was so scared."
Jensen looks horrified, the full bow of his lips parted in a small oh. He looks away, his eyelashes dark and feathery against his cheeks. Then he shakes his head.
"No. No, I didn't see him again after-"
He sags backwards and gives Jared an odd smile. Beautiful but unsettling.
"You wanna know something? That day with Nick? When he-" Jensen touches his fingertips to his throat, an automatic reflex to thinking what Nick had done to him. "I was praying you'd come, come save me." He gives a sharp, mocking laugh. "All the times I said I didn't need you… I did, and I didn't realise it until then, when I was so fucking grateful just to hear you in the room. And I really… I didn't want to need you like I did."
He wipes his fingertips over his mouth and his gaze darts towards Jared, wary and uneasy.
"Sure, you shouldn't have beaten up a client but that wasn't why I acted like I did. I'm sorry, Jared. You didn't do anything I didn't want you to."
The apology and the confession hang in the air. Jared just stares at him, numb and feeling like he's only now registering the enormity of the mistake he made in leaving - which is really something considering he was already pretty sure that it was his worst idea ever.
"What was so wrong with needing me?" he says, his voice tiny and confused. Because none of it had to be like this. He could have been with Jensen all this time. He could have been happy instead of so cold and wretched inside.
Something flickers across Jensen's face and he raises an eyebrow at Jared, as if he should know the answer.
"Because I didn't know how I'd cope if you ever left me. And I didn't want to find out."
This time, he doesn't let Jared stop him when he goes.
:::
Chad's still on the set of his show when Jared gets there. Jared visits regularly enough that one of the crew tells him where to find Chad without him even having to ask. He loiters at the edge of the set, his gaze trained on the scene even though he's barely taking any of it in. It's just Chad and some guy and some girl who may possibly be Chad's onscreen girlfriend but Jared's not sure because he can't keep up with the stupidly complicated romances.
"Aren't you s'posed to be on your way to San Antonio?" Chad says, when he finally gets over to him.
"Yeah, uh…" Jared glances around awkwardly, noting the number of people in close proximity, and he steers Chad away from the main bustle, towards his trailer. "Man, I just saw Jensen."
"What? In Vancouver? What the fuck's he doing here?"
Jared waits until the door to Chad's trailer is closed behind them before he sags down onto the couch. He feels exhilarated and weak and in shock, all at once. In a display of uncharacteristic thoughtfulness, Chad presses a shot glass into Jared's hand and fills it with vodka from his mini-fridge.
"He needed me to - See, he's… It's kind of hard to explain."
Dumbly, Jared gives up trying to make sense of it in words and hands the envelope to Chad. He watches Chad take the photo out and study it, frowns when he sees the tight, hard lines appear on Chad's face.
"Fucking asshole! He's trying to blackmail you? I'm gonna kick his fucked-out ass from here to next fucking week!"
"No, no, it's not like that!" Jared lets out a frustrated breath and takes a large gulp of vodka. "He's not trying to blackmail me. He wouldn't. He's… uh… well, he's a photographer now. And there's gonna be an exhibition of his work in New York. And he wanted my permission to show it."
Only a little calmer, Chad looks back down at the photo. Then he frowns at Jared, cocks his head at him.
"Are you gonna say yes?"
"I already did. But Jensen insisted I talk to my agent." He pauses. "Take it you don't think I should, right?"
Chad doesn't answer for a long while. Instead, he occupies himself with refilling Jared's glass and getting a glass for himself. Then he props himself up against the wall, surveys Jared with narrowed eyes and shrugs.
"You gonna be any less miserable if you say yes? Because, let's face it, you've done fuck-all about moving on, haven't you? You're still as wrapped up in him as you were when this whole fucking thing started."
"We’re not just talking about the photo now, right?"
Chad laughs and raises his glass to Jared. "Give the boy a fucking cigar!" He smiles, teasing and bright. "Anything that's gonna stop you being this emo little bitch for the rest of your goddamn life sounds like an awesome idea to me. And at least it's not Mack the Dickwad you're popping a boner for, right? I've learnt to count my blessings where your fucked-up love life is concerned."
Jared nods somberly and leans forward to clink his glass to Chad's.
"You're a true friend, Murray."
:::
The napkin Jensen wrote his number down on for Jared has only left Jared's pocket when he takes it out to smooth his fingers over it. He checks for it frequently, just in case he somehow, disastrously, loses it. Not that it'd matter in terms of being able to get a hold of Jensen, because he's stared at it long enough to memorise the number already. But he likes to look at it and smile at Jensen's scrawled handwriting.
He wants to call it right now, just to hear Jensen's voice, just to talk to him. He considers calling to tell him that he's sending a copy of the photo to his agent, and then he can call again after talking to his agent.
But his agent gets back to him too quickly for him to put that plan into action.
"I don't see how this is gonna hurt," Geri says over the phone. "The whole stunt with Mack has made the issue of your sexuality a non-issue, if you know what I mean. You've already put that out there. And I did a little digging on your friend…"
Jared's already explained how he knows Jensen, though not in any great detail. From the few references Geri has made to it, Jared's pretty sure she's got Jensen down as the cause of Jared's heartbreak and hasn't pushed for details. Even knowing all this, Jared still gets a moment of protective defensiveness at her remark.
"I really doubt you've found anything more suspect about him than I've already told you."
"Oh calm down, kid! Ex-hooker, I got it. I don't care about that. We can spin that our way if it ever comes out, and I'm guessing there are enough people who aren't gonna want that to happen. Ooh, looking at the pictures of him, doesn't hurt he's so pretty! No, no, but what I'm trying to tell you, is that your guy's not doing badly for himself. Had a set in one of the edgier fashion magazines, got a few positive mentions in the press. Annie Leibovitz isn't gonna be losing any sleep but… well, he's a pretty exciting prospect and you're hot property, the two of you together could be spectacular."
Heat sweeps across Jared's cheeks and spreads up the back of his neck. He clears his throat.
"We're just talking about letting him display a picture of me. Don't get carried away."
"And I'm talking about if you find yourself wanting to go a little further," Geri says bluntly.
Irritation flares up in Jared, as if his career would have any bearing on his relationship - or lack of one - with Jensen. He resents the implication that it might and works hard to keep his tone polite and his voice level.
"Geri, I appreciate it and all but… I don't need your stamp of approval."
"Tough. You've got it anyway." She pauses, then says. "It's a nice picture he took of you, baby. We might wanna think about using him for some of your promo shots. You think about it, yeah?"
She hangs up and Jared stares mutinously at the phone. Right now, he wishes she'd told him he couldn't exhibit the picture, just so he would have the satisfaction of disobeying her and doing it anyway.
:::
His breath catches when Jensen answers the phone, which is stupid because he was expecting Jensen to answer and would have been disappointed if his call had gone to voicemail. Still, he ends up giving a hitched sigh instead of saying hi or something.
"Jared?" says Jensen. "You okay?"
"Yeah, just a hiccup, sorry. So, listen, I spoke to my agent and she's fine about you showing the picture. Do you need me to sign something?"
"Yeah. I can have the paperwork sent to you. You still in Vancouver?"
"No, back at San Antonio. You got a pen so I can give you the address?"
There's a pause and then Jensen says, "No, I've got it. You gave it to Sam when you went back that time, remember? I've… I've still got it." Another pause before Jensen coughs and says, "I'll have the papers sent over to you. Thank you, for agreeing, I mean. I appreciate it."
"No problem. So, uh, you gonna give me a time and a place for this exhibition? That's if… if you don't mind me showing up?"
The immediate dead silence clenches hard in Jared's stomach and he flounders, trying to find a way to smooth over the apparent rejection and to rationalise away the hurt. But Jensen speaks before he gets chance.
"I'll send the details with the paperwork. But, y'know, you'll probably be filming again by then and it's in New York and you'd probably find the whole thing really fucking dull so I'm not gonna be offended if-"
"Jen. I want to come. I will be there."
He stops right then. Because all of a sudden he knows what he needs to say to Jensen. For his own sake. And once he's starts talking, the words come so easily it's like he's had them planned forever.
"You know I still love you, right? No, no, you don't have to answer. Just… let me. I still love you and that's not going to change. I thought it would but… it's not. But I'm not saying it because I'm expecting anything from you. I know I hurt you. I know I did and I'd do anything to go back and do it differently because I'd rather be right there with you, be there for you, than miles away and worrying."
Jensen doesn't say anything but that's all right. Jared's all right with that because it just feels so good to finally be saying it. He's still in love with Jensen and that's just how the story goes.
"I'm not gonna say it again, not gonna embarrass you in public with it," Jared says. "You've moved on and I'm not trying to make your life more complicated. I know we can't go back and I'm not asking you to. And it's fine if you don't wanna hear from me again. But… I just want you to know that I love you, and I'm always going to. Just… you should know that."
There's still silence on the other end and Jared nods.
"Okay then," he says. "Bye."
He ends the call and sits there, feeling strangely zen.
:::
Two days later, the paperwork turns up. Jared sits at the kitchen table, eating the slice of hot apple pie his mom put in front of him, and gives it a cursory once-over. He trusts Jensen not to screw him over on this. In fact, Jensen's probably taken more care to safeguard Jared's interests than Jared has. Showing it to a lawyer seems like an unnecessary bother, so Jared simply signs it.
It's like the infection in a wound has finally been cleaned out. It still hurts and it's always going to, but the sting of it has gone. Jared's come to terms with how he feels about Jensen and even if he can't move on, he can move forward.
Along with the papers, there is a small, stiff black card in the envelope. It's a printed invitation to a photographic exhibition of Jensen Ackles' work, giving venue and date. It's only a few lines of text and there's nothing personal in it but Jared sits back in his chair to read it over and over nonetheless.
:::
In the weeks leading up to the exhibition, Jared doesn't hear from Jensen. He doesn't expect to. There's every chance that Jensen's completely freaked out by what Jared said in his last call. Maybe he thinks Jared shouldn't have said all he did or maybe he thinks Jared's kind of pathetic for clinging to a relationship that's been over for what feels like a lifetime. Jared accepts the manifold possibilities with equanimity because he's satisfied with having finally said it. And whereas nothing's going to stop him loving Jensen, not even Jensen's disapproval, he's not trying to make Jensen uncomfortable about it either.
He goes to the exhibition by himself. Both Sandy and Chad offer to go with him but Jared's happier going this one alone. He gets in to New York with a few hours to spare before the opening and he spends the time getting checked into his hotel, showering and dressing. He chooses his clothes with care rather than desperate uncertainty. There's a vague thrill of excitement going through him at the thought of seeing Jensen. And he wants to see the exhibition itself, to see the physical evidence of the raw talent he always knew Jensen possessed. But it's a manageable buzz. Pleasant, instead of jarring.
It's raining when he sets out, gray and glistening in the city. Jared watches the shimmering, brilliant gleam of the city lights, caught in the raindrops dribbling down the cab window on the drive over.
Even as he's walking into the bright white rooms of the gallery, he retains a sense of inner calm. There's a respectable number of people present but Jared's not here for them. His gaze is drawn immediately to the large photos on the wall. The subject matter varies: portraits of people, blank landscapes, pictures taken on the street. Some of it is new to Jared, but some of it he recognises.
There are a couple of shots that he knows are of Los Angeles, achingly familiar. And there's a picture of Jeff, half-turned away from the camera but the smile clear on his face, eyes warm. There's nothing to hint at the nature of the relationship between Jeff and Jensen but the picture suggests intimacy all the same.
And then there's the picture of Jared. It's pretty fucking massive, and more breathtaking on that scale. Jared stares at it for a long while, oblivious to the people milling around him until someone lays a hand on his shoulder. He turns and finds himself face to face with Jeff himself.
"Think you got more wall-space than I did," he says, inclining his head towards the picture of Jared with a grin.
"You're dressed, I'm pretty obviously nude," Jared says and shrugs. "Not a tough decision to make." He glances around. "Jensen around anywhere?"
Jeff's grin broadens and he leans in, lowering his voice. "Think he's hiding out back 'til everyone goes home. Our boy's not so good with crowds, y'know? Chris Kane's had his hands full just making sure he doesn't run out."
"Sounds about right."
They stand together in companionable silence. Jared is aware of the curious looks sent their way, particularly at him. It's probably a combination of his mild fame and the fact he's standing right by a large picture of himself of him, naked and asleep in bed. Jeff pays the looks no attention and neither does Jared.
"He's doing good, isn’t he?" Jared says finally, wanting to hear someone else confirm it.
Jeff doesn't answer, keeps his gaze fixed on Jared's picture. Then he looks at him and grins. "I am so fucking proud of him. He turned things right around. Took everything that got thrown at him and just kept on going. For a while there, things were looking pretty shaky but… he got through."
"Shaky? You're talking about the thing with…" Jared glances around and drops his voice a notch. "With Nick Buxcey?"
"I'm talking about you leaving." Jeff looks back at the picture. His tone stays friendly as he adds, "Better not be planning on pulling another stunt like that." Before Jared has to start fumbling around for a response for that, Jeff says, "You heard Buxcey was found guilty?"
Jared looks at him sharply and Jeff nods, matter-of-fact. Jared lets out a sigh and mirrors the nod. They don't need to say any more about it: good news like that doesn't need any discussion. Jared's gaze drifts over the crowd and he spots Chris coming through the door. Jensen's not with him but Chris doesn't start frowning until his eyes meet Jared's. His course changes abruptly to head straight for Jared.
"Uh… I take it Chris still wants to kick my ass?" Jared says.
"Don't worry," says Jeff in a reassuring tone of voice. "I won't let him raise hell in public. This is Jensen's big night, after all."
"Oh so he'll wait to ambush me in private? Awesome."
Jeff laughs but doesn't deny it. He turns to look at Chris as he reaches them and raises an eyebrow.
"You coaxed him out of hiding yet? People want to meet the artist."
"He's coming," Chris says but he refuses to be distracted from Jared. "Do me a favor, boy. Keep the hell away from him tonight. He's under enough pressure, don't need you adding to it."
"I'm not planning on adding to it," Jared says. "I just wanted to be here, okay?"
All he gets is a very unimpressed glare from Chris. Jeff shoots him a mildly sympathetic look but that's it. As far as they're concerned, Jared guesses, he doesn't deserve much more. Besides, he likes to think of Jensen with all these protective people around him, even if all that protectiveness is currently being directed against him.
There's a sudden spike of noise across the room and when Jared looks over, he sees Jensen, flushed and edgy but surrounded by people. They're all leaning in to talk to him, taking turns shaking his hand or kissing him on the cheek. Someone starts clapping and then it's all applause, a shattering wave through the room. And Jared knows Jensen's probably hating it but there's no way he's not going to join in.
Everyone seems to surge in towards Jensen and Jared's happy to simply to drift to the back and watch Jensen shine in the spotlight.
:::
It takes a while for Jared to be able to get close. He hangs back and waits until there's a relative lull and he can get to Jensen's side without having to elbow, kick or push his way there.
"Hey," he says, and Jensen looks away from the woman he's just been speaking to, and finally sees him. His face freezes and then he smiles uncertainly.
"Jay. You came." He glances around the bustling gallery then back to Jared, rubbing the back of his neck. "Pretty crazy, huh?"
"Really spectacular. It's awesome, man."
Jensen doesn't really seem to have any answer to that so he just smiles some more. Jared gets the impression he's pretty uncomfortable in Jared's presence, which was never his intention. Just as he's about to reach out and shake Jensen's hand, make his goodbyes and move on, Chris comes up and drapes his arm over Jensen's shoulder. The grin he gives Jared isn't very friendly.
"So how long is the flight from New York to Vancouver?" he says. "They got you shooting tomorrow, Padalecki?"
Jared can't help smiling at the not so subtle hint and nods, taking a step back.
"You're right. I've got a really early morning ahead of me. I should be going."
"Jared Padalecki?" There's a woman just moved up to join them, smartly dressed and a camera held in her hands. She smiles and holds up a press pass. "Hi, I'm Lucy Cresswell from Art Express. Could I get a picture of you and Jensen together?"
Even as Jared's smiling and nodding, he's looking to Jensen to make sure he's got his approval. There's an awkward moment where Jensen hesitates, his face oddly still as if he's about to decline. But then his eyes meet Jared's and he smiles a little and says, "Yeah, sure."
And then he moves towards Jared, unsure and faltering, before Jared reaches out and pulls him closer, his arm curling around Jensen's back. It's a guilty pleasure, being able to touch Jensen like this again, and Jared's careful not to take advantage of the situation, doesn't hold him too tight. Jensen keeps very still and then Jared feels the exact moment he relaxes, the faint press of his body back against Jared's.
Jared's breath rushes out in a small, contented sigh and then he grins at the camera. After the picture's taken, Jensen doesn't pull away immediately. Jared lets his fingers brush over his back, the elegant column of Jensen's spine right there beneath the thin fabric of his black shirt, as he takes his arm away.
"Thank you both," says Lucy. She's still smiling hugely, unable to believe her luck. "I had no idea you two knew each other. It was quite a surprise to walk in and find such a gorgeous picture of one of the hottest TV stars on the wall! So how did that come about?"
"Right place, right time," Jared says smoothly, without even looking to Jensen. "Lucy, I'm sorry, I'd love to stay and chat but I gotta get some sleep. Got a very early flight in the morning to get back to Vancouver." He flashes a smile at Jensen. "Awesome work, man. Seriously."
He leaves while Jensen is still stuttering out his thanks, or it's maybe just goodbye he's saying.
:::
It's still raining when he gets outside and, hunching his shoulders, he flips the collar of his coat up and moves to the edge of the sidewalk to hail a taxi. The tires of the cars passing by sound sticky on the wet road. Night has crept in, a blanketing darkness pinpricked by the city-lights.
A taxi crawls to a halt and Jared jogs towards it. He's just pulling the door open and climbing in when he hears someone call his name behind him.
It's Jensen. He hasn't even grabbed his coat and his hair is already dark with damp.
"What if I want you to say it again? That thing you said on the phone," he blurts out. There's clear distress on his face and Jared instinctively takes a step away from the cab and towards him. "Everything you said, was that…? I mean, what if I felt the same? What if I haven't moved on either? 'Cause if you haven't moved on and I haven't, then it'd be kind of stupid not to…"
Then he just stands there, chest heaving with the rush of words, and the rain steadily soaks his shirt.
"Buddy, are we going somewhere or not?" the cab driver growls, apparently deeply uninterested in the fact that Jared's heart is threatening to explode in his chest.
He's jolted out of his daze and he grins at Jensen hopefully, steps back to hold the taxi door open for him.
"You wanna get outta here?"
:::
They don't touch each other. Don't look at each other. Don't even talk. Jensen gazes out of the window, the angles and hollows of his face painted black while colors from the city splash across his skin, beads of rainwater still in his hair, caught like tears in his lashes. Jared alternates between watching the cab driver watch them in the rear view mirror, and watching Jensen. The cab driver's scrutiny is curious rather than hostile and Jared settles into the drive, the sheer simple bliss of being with Jensen again.
They reach Jared's hotel and Jensen follows Jared in. Halfway across the lobby, Jared thinks how weird it is to be taking Jensen up to his hotel room, the surreal symmetry of it. He looks over his shoulder to say something but sees Jensen's already smiling.
"I know," Jensen says, his eyes bright and warm.
They both laugh and Jared catches Jensen's wrist to tug him up alongside him. Jensen leans into him and Jared really needs to get them both into his room as soon as fucking possible. But he doesn't need to wait that long. When the elevator doors slide shut on them, the opportunity for a moment's privacy hits him hard. He hasn’t been alone with Jensen in forever.
His instinctive reaction is to press Jensen up against the wall and kiss him half to death. He has been dreaming of kissing Jensen. But it's been so long that it's almost like starting again, albeit with the knowledge of just how good kissing Jensen feels. Logically, Jared knows that Jensen wouldn’t be coming back to his room with him if he didn't want him - and that thought leaves him hot and heavy in his belly - but he still feel like he needs to ask permission.
He's just unsticking his tongue from the roof of his mouth to get the words out when the elevator doors slide open. He lets out an angry huff of breath and strides towards his room.
"This is me," he says and rattles the keycard in the lock.
He scowls as the damn thing just beeps a tiny red light at him and then Jensen's hand closes around his, light and warm. He's absurdly aware of Jensen's presence right beside him.
"Here, let me," Jensen murmurs. He takes the keycard from Jared and slides it smoothly into the lock.
They make it into the room, which is simple but expensively dressed. The air is full of the smooth hush of the hotel late at night. Jared shrugs his coat off and crosses to the bathroom, bringing a thick, cream towel back for Jensen. With a grateful smile, Jensen takes it and pats at his hair and shoulders.
Jared doesn't know what to say. They seem so close to getting back to where he wants them to be, they're almost there, but he doesn't know how to get them that last mile. He wants these last two years not to have happened.
He just wants Jensen back. And then decides that's probably what he should say.
"Can we try again?" Jensen says, before Jared can string a sentence together. "I mean, it should be less complicated, right? I'll promise not to sleep with people for money and you'll promise not to beat the crap outta them?" His tone says it's a joke, but it also acknowledges how things have changed. It's full of hope.
"I don't care how complicated it gets," Jared says. "So long as it's you and me, it can get as fucking complicated as it likes, I won’t give a shit."
"There are still going to be people who know I used to be a hooker," Jensen says. He pulls a face. "Mack Kennedy, for one. It might all come out, Jay. We can't be open about it, you know that, right?"
"We'll work something out."
He lays a hand on Jensen's cheek, his thumb at the dip of the corner of Jensen's lips. He curls the other hand around the back of his neck and draws him closer. Jensen comes easily to him, tilting his forehead to Jared's, his eyes sinking shut.
Something like pure, undiluted happiness wells up inside Jared, through the cracks of the miserable time he spent apart from Jensen, and all that useless love he's been carrying around for Jensen turns fierce and overwhelming, something completely impossible to get his breath around.
"I'm so sorry, Jen." His voice is a whisper, the end of it lost as he finds Jensen's mouth with his own and kisses him, tender and adoring. Jensen's lips part ever so slightly in a sigh before he kisses Jared back, his fingers clenching the front of Jared's shirt.
"I'm so sorry I left you," Jared says, his mouth still so close to Jensen's that their lips brush as he speaks. "I should never have left you. Stupidest damn thing I ever did. So so sorry…"
"I forgive you. Just… just don't ever do it again. Please don't."
Jared laughs and shakes his head, murmuring I won't, I won't, I promise I won't over and over as he feathers kisses over Jensen's face, along the arch of his cheekbone, to the soft skin just in front of his ear and back along the firm line of his jaw.
"Tell me you have something," Jensen murmurs, his eyes still closed. He tilts his head to allow Jared better access to where he's sucking on his jawbone, wrapping his fingers in Jared's shirt in order to keep him pulled close up against him.
Jared freezes.
"I don't," he says. "Fuck. I don't." He pulls back enough to meet Jensen's gaze and then kind of wishes he hadn’t. Jensen's eyes are dark with arousal, heavy-lidded. He really needs to be having sex with Jensen, right this second. "I wasn't planning on… Do you?"
Jensen shakes his head, a dazed smile tugging at his lips and Jared wonders how he can be smiling when the situation is so catastrophic.
"I got out of the trade, then realised there wasn't anyone I actually wanted to fuck if I wasn't getting paid for it. Only person I wanted was you," Jensen says and then Jared gets it and starts smiling too, helpless and so much in love he wonders how the hell he actually survived.
"Okay," he breathes out. "Okay, we'll uh… There's gotta be some in the bathroom, right? Fancy hotel like this? Gotta have condoms. If they don't have condoms Imma write me a lot of angry letters to the management. Lack of proper supplies, bad customer service not giving 'em condoms."
He lets go of Jensen, unwillingly, and even though his cock is a distinct reminder of the pressing need for condoms right the fuck now, he still has to take a moment just to look at Jensen, to revel in him being here with him.
"You, do not leave this room, 'kay? I'm just gonna go check the bathroom, but please do not go anywhere. I will be right back."
Jensen sinks down onto the foot of the bed. Smiles, slow and smouldering, as he starts flipping the buttons open on his shirt.
"Where the fuck d'you think I'm gonna be going?"
Even as he's ransacking the bathroom with shaking hands, Jared keeps an ear out for the suite door. It's not like he really thinks Jensen's going to take off but on the other hand he's not taking any risks. He upends a couple of baskets of mini toiletries before he finally finds condoms.
"Ha!" he bellows. "We have condoms, baby!"
Belatedly, he remembers that it's pretty late at night, that his voice kind of carries and that the people in the rooms either side really don't need to hear all about it. He hopes that having paid enough for the room it comes with decent soundproofing.
He charges back into the other room, waving the condoms at Jensen triumphantly, and then has to skid to a halt, because Jensen is naked and on the bed and looking at him. He's not spread out for him, there's none of that practiced sensuality that used to hit Jared with an ugly kind of unwelcome heat. This is how it used to be, how it was the first time, both direct and vulnerable all at once.
"Jesus," he says, his voice choked and distant. "Did you get even more fucking gorgeous while I was gone?"
"Gone in the bathroom or gone in Vancouver?" Jensen says.
He rolls forward onto his knees and Jared's mind goes blank except for serious contemplation of the play of Jensen's muscles beneath the smoothness of his skin. He reaches for Jared and pulls him to him, tugging him down to kiss him again, short and hard, leaving Jared breathless.
"And what 'bout you, huh? Running off and letting ev'ryone fall in love with you? Sexiest guy on TV, it's official."
Jared laughs, low and rumbling, and pushes forward to bear Jensen down onto the bed. He props himself up on his forearms, one either side of Jensen's face. He likes having the length of his body covering Jensen's, likes having Jensen pinned down on the bed under him, both unwilling and unable to get away.
"You saw that then?" he says, too turned on to feel self-conscious about the poll.
There's a sliver of Jared's belly left bare where his t-shirt has ridden up and when Jensen arches his hips up into him, the damp head of his cock glides over his skin.
"Saw it? Jay, I voted in it."
He laughs and bites his lip as he struggles to get Jared's t-shirt up over his head. It's not because Jared doesn't want to be naked with Jensen that he doesn't help, more to do with the spikes of arousal that go through him with Jensen struggling and squirming beneath him.
"But you know what I don't like about your show?" Jensen stops what he's doing and tries to look serious and earnest at Jared, though the attempt is hindered by the muzzy look in his eyes. "They don't let you do nearly enough shirtless scenes, Jared. It's a fucking crime. You're so-" He breaks off, finally managing to get Jared's t-shirt up high enough for him to rub his thumb along the hard definition of muscle. "So fucking gorgeous. Built like a fucking god, you know that, right? They should be writing naked scenes for you into every goddamn episode."
As Jared pulls away just long enough to strip off his t-shirt, Jensen traces his collarbone with a slow, faltering fingertip, his touch butterfly-light.
"I told myself I wasn't gonna watch it, your show, 'cause, y'know, what was the fucking point in watching?" he says, something small and solemn creeping into his voice. "But I watched every single episode, Jared. And I don't have the first fucking clue what the damn story is, because I was only watching you."
Jared catches his hand in his, kisses each fingertip in turn and tries to coax a smile back to Jensen's face. But it won’t come. Jensen's eyes are fixed on his face, too intense, too violently bright. He's thinking again and Jared can just about guess the train of his thoughts.
"Don't," he says. "Don’t go back there."
He cradles Jensen's face in his hands and kisses him, licking and nipping at the full curve of his lips, just to bring him back from that place in his head. Because otherwise Jared'll have to think about how fucking miserable he's been without Jensen, and he'll think about the guys who'll have fucked Jensen, used him and maybe even hurt him, while Jared wasn't there to look after him. And he'll think about how the whole damn separation was his fault for walking out.
"No," he mumbles into the corner of Jensen's mouth. "Not happening again. Not ever. You're mine, gonna take good care of you, baby. 'Cause I love you, and not a damn thing matters 'sides that."
Jensen's lips are swollen and pink, soft and almost hurt looking. He's watching Jared like he can't entirely believe that he's actually here, his fingers curled around his upper arms with a subtle kind of desperation. But he catches the look in Jared's eyes, all that devotion and love, and right there and then, he's smiling again.
With a sudden flexing of muscle, Jensen flips them over. Slowly and deliberately, he writhes until he's spread out, straddling Jared's hips. He leans forward, all innate grace, and rubs the heel of his palm over the front of Jared's jeans, where his cock is so stiff he thinks it might be making him dizzy from the lack of blood in his brain. Light gleams gold and white over Jensen's shoulders, turns his eyes inhumanly green. He's kind of heartbreakingly beautiful and Jared can't bring himself to do a damn thing but lay back and let him do just exactly as he pleases with him.
As it turns out, Jensen's plans for him are nothing Jared's gonna be complaining about.
He works Jared's jeans down his thighs and off him, shimmying the material over skin that's weirdly sensitive to the barest brush of Jensen's fingers. His concentration is fixed solely on Jared. The ceiling could probably come crashing down around them and as long as Jensen could still get at Jared's cock, huge and hard and dark with arousal, he wouldn’t even notice.
There's a thin electric shiver going through Jared's body as he waits for Jensen to duck just low enough for the head of Jared's cock to bump against the fullness of his kiss-bruised lower lip and then slide right on in. His belly clenches tight with anticipation because he remembers just how insanely good it feels to have his cock nestled in Jensen's mouth. Guilty and shameful, he's jerked off to the memory of it too many times while they've been apart for him not to react to the prospect of the real thing.
And when it finally happens, when Jensen opens up for him, Jared's still not prepared for it. He jolts upwards, cock slamming hard past Jensen's lips and choking off Jensen's moan. As he flails around to grab a handful of Jensen's hair and haul his mouth off Jared's dick before Jared face-fucks him senseless, he somehow gets distracted by the fingers Jensen's pressing to Jared's lips. He latches on, sucking greedily and remembering the taste of Jensen's skin, while Jensen eases inch by inch of Jared's cock into his mouth.
Jensen sucks cock noisily, with a kind of unselfconscious sincerity that Jared finds filthier and more erotic than any of the stuff Jensen did professionally. Slurping and moaning and so fucking wet. His head bobs between Jared's spread thighs as he fucks his mouth on Jared's cock and Jared's just about to let his eyes slide shut when Jensen slips his fingers free from Jared's mouth and brings them down between his legs.
"Oh God," Jared groans out, his voice raw as he realises what Jensen's about to do.
His body makes a strange, intriguing shape, spine curving elegantly, as Jensen keeps his mouth wrapped around Jared's dick while he works his fingers into his own ass. At this angle, Jared can't see it. He wants to, he really wants to see Jensen fingering himself open, squirming and stabbing his spit-slick fingers into himself so Jared's cock can fit in his ass, good and snug. But he has to make do with watching the flex of Jensen's wrist, the sweat glistening on his skin. It's all right though, he manages to cope with the disappointment of not being able to see, thanks to the expertise with which Jensen's swallowing down his dick.
"That's it, baby, just like that, take it just like that… Jen, fucking hell, wanna fuck you so bad, wanna be inside you again, baby. Been too long. Gonna fill you up so good, give you just what you need, yeah?"
With a lewd, moist pop as he pulls his mouth free, Jensen looks up at him, lips obscenely swollen and pouting from letting Jared's cock fuck into them, his eyes heavy-lidded. He smiles at Jared and even if Jensen weren't the hottest fuck Jared's ever had, the depth of emotion showing clear on his face would have Jared more turned on than would be possible with anyone else.
"Yeah, s'right… s'what I need," Jensen agrees, his voice already soft and fucked out.
He pulls his fingers free from between his thighs and reaches for one of the condoms. His eyes stay fixed on Jared's face while he slowly sheathes him in the latex.
Then Jensen rises up onto his knees, a look of intense concentration on his face, brows drawn together as he curls his fingers around Jared's cock and guides him into him. He holds Jared steady as he sinks down onto him. There's a moment of pushing, Jensen's face tight with something almost like pain, the strong muscles in his thighs shivering with the strain, and then a sudden shove and Jared's cock is disappearing into his ass.
"Baby," Jared murmurs with infinite tenderness. "So beautiful, baby."
Jensen's gaze snaps to his face, his expression smoothing out to open exhilaration, then he slams himself down hard, taking Jared's cock to the root in one second flat, and Jared can barely make a fucking sound his whole body clenches so tight. His hands move over Jensen's hips and the spread cheeks of his ass, petting and stroking mindlessly. Rocking forward, Jensen lets Jared slide out of him, until only the head of his cock is stretching him open. Jensen's breathing is coming in broken little pants and, bent forward like this, Jared can just about reach his face and he sets about kissing and licking at Jensen's lips, stealing away what little breath he has.
He's interrupted by Jensen squirming back down onto his cock, taking it slower this time, more deliberately letting Jared fuck inch after inch up his ass. Jared wants to see where they're joined, wants to touch the delicate stretch of Jensen's skin around his cock, but the angle's wrong and his hands are too preoccupied with wandering over the silky expanse of his neck and back. It feels too damn good to simply let Jensen ride him.
Jensen's whole body is shaking from the effort he's putting into fucking himself on Jared's cock, hips rolling and dipping, up and off before bearing back down hard. He's rocking himself in Jared's lap, his back arched and his hands spread out over Jared's chest, nails clawed into his skin to keep his balance. And it hurts and it's perfect and it's all Jared ever wants.
When Jensen's rhythm starts to falter and the look in his eyes is so dazed he looks about to pass out at any second, Jared decides it's time for him to take over. He plants his feet square against the sheets, grips Jensen's hips to hold him still, and gives one long, smooth thrust up into him. Transfixed, he watches Jensen's eyes roll back, lips going slack and his body turning boneless.
Whatever Jensen tries to say comes out in a slurred moan, a soft sound trapped in the back of his throat. Jared just grins at him, tightens his sweat-slippery hold on Jensen and does it again. Gritting his teeth, Jensen scrabbles weakly at Jared's chest as he grinds his ass back down onto him. He clenches hard and Jared groans, loud and long.
"C'mon, Jay, that's right… feels so damn good, do it jus' like that."
It's absurdly hot how pliant Jensen is, how he lets Jared bodily lift him up on his cock before dragging him right back down. Going ragdoll limp, Jensen rolls right forward, face buried in Jared's shoulder, and gives himself up to Jared. Muscles working tight and hard, Jared holds Jensen in place and fucks up into him with fast, rocking thrusts, using all the strength he can summon up without hurting Jensen.
When he comes, all he can do is hang onto Jensen, keeping him ground down tight on Jared's lap. His hips buck sluggishly as his cock pulses in Jensen's ass. The force of it nearly knocks him out and he just lies there, gasping for breath and trying to get his vision to clear.
Vaguely, he can feel Jensen trying to push back against him but he's clinging too tight for Jensen to really move. He registers Jensen wrapping his hand around his cock, jacking himself off, can hear his frantic, whimpery sighs. Then he realises what's happening and finds the coordination to bat Jensen away and get his own hand on Jensen's cock, working it wet and straining through his fist. And Jensen comes like all he needed was for Jared to do exactly that, just to touch him.
Between them, they let Jared's softening cock slip loose from Jensen's ass - Jensen lifting up just a little and Jared giving a feeble twitch of his hips. Jensen slips over to sprawl out by Jared's side and Jared disposes of the condom. Then Jared is able to collapse back on the hot, damp sheets and watch Jensen, who's already drifting off to sleep.
He nuzzles closer and Jensen isn't too far gone to meet his mouth for a sloppy, lazy kiss.
:::
It's only a few hours later when Jared wakes to Jensen laying light, feathery kisses over his face. He's still bone-tired, his body heavy and his brain fogged up, and it's supremely awesome to just lie there, eyes still closed, while Jensen whispers stupid endearments into his skin and kisses him. A smile tugs at his lips and he feels Jensen's shadow fall over him and the delicate press of Jensen's lips to each of his eyelids.
"Jay-red." Jensen drawls it out, long and playful. "Jared, you've got a flight to catch, baby. You've gotta go back to Vancouver."
Jared frowns at the reminder and shakes his head. "Nup. Not going." Finally, he opens his eyes and grins muzzily at the sight of Jensen's face. He reaches up and traces the high arch of Jensen's cheekbone, lets his fingertip come down to rest on Jensen's lower lip. "Come with me?"
Jensen hesitates, his expression torn, then he shakes his head. "Can't. Jay, I didn't even tell anyone I was leaving last night. I ran out of my own freaking exhibition. And I've got people I'm s'posed to be meeting. But-" He breaks off to lay a lingering kiss on Jared's mouth when he sees the protest forming on his lips. "But doesn't have to be for long. You gonna wait for me? Or you gonna pick up with some pretty little piece from Vancouver, huh?"
Jared doesn't dignify that with a response beyond a very contemptuous scowl. His expression softens as Jensen ducks his head and begins mouthing along the line of Jared's collarbone. He cards his fingers through Jensen's hair and allows himself time to wallow in being happy.
"What time is it?" he says.
"'Bout ten past five," Jensen says, his voice muffled in Jared's skin.
Jared grins. He catches Jensen's shoulders and rolls them over, nudging Jensen's thighs spread to settle between them. Jensen beams up at him.
"Then I've got plenty of time to say goodbye properly, yeah?"
:::
It's a pretty weird request but the PA's are awesome and kind of used to Jared not being the most straightforward of guys. And he doesn't ask for favors often so they get that this is a pretty big deal for him and are happy to help. They find him his copy of Art Express, have it sent up to Vancouver, and keep the teasing to a minimum.
Jared evades Mack and heads straight back to his trailer. He wedges the door shut and then spreads out on the couch. It takes him a while, flipping through the pages, but then he finds it. There's a whole half-page article on Jensen's photography, accompanied by the photo of the two of them standing together and the picture of Jared. Before he settles in to read what the opinion of the article is, he studies the photo of him and Jensen. There's a grin on his face, genuine but not wide, but it's Jensen in the picture that he can't take his eyes off. Jensen's gaze is fixed squarely on him, face tilted up to look at him, and the faintest smile appearing at the corners of his lips.
When he's finally able to get around to reading the article, Jared is delighted to discover that the only significant criticism levelled at Jensen is his personal unwillingness to talk to the press. And even this is passed off as an inconvenient but charming eccentricity. They have nothing but praise for him on every other score. Within the article are quotes from other - apparently prominent - photographers and every single one of them has only good things to say.
Jared is unable to stop beaming by the time he finishes reading. He's gone back to admiring the photo of him and Jensen when his cellphone rings. It takes him a moment to snap into answering it, and the main drive towards answering is the possibility that it's Jensen. So far this morning, Jensen has called twice and Jared has called him three times but that doesn't mean he'd say no to talking to him again.
Still, when he sees it's his agent instead, it's not like he can just ignore it now he's got the phone in his hand.
"Sweetheart, your boy is a keeper, you hear me?" Geri says. "I'm reading New York Voice and baby, he's making waves! I love him already. God, I can see it now: 'hot TV star with his quirky artist boyfriend'. I love it! He is gonna be so good for your career."
"Yeah, about that… I'm not doing a movie this summer."
Geri pauses and Jared patiently waits for her to explode or try to persuade him or something. He has his refusal all worked out and ready to go.
"But we talked about this," she says plaintively. "There are some exciting things coming up and you've got your pick of any of them you like. Why the hell aren’t you doing a movie?"
"Road trip. With Jensen." Jared shrugs, even though she can't see it. "So, unless you can fit one in around it… sorry."
There's a long silence then Geri tsks and sighs. "Can we do a trade-off?" she says.
epilogue and notes