(I was stumped at first. I admit it. And this incarnation may not be right on target as far as topic goes, but... I just have a lot of feelings, okay
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I think one of the hardest things about being human is that every single person has a different idea of what being there means. What gestures people make that are meaningful to them. And sometimes one person will do what they would want someone to do for them (that's the golden rule, right?) but it's not what the other person needs. Because we're all different.
And how do you communicate that? Sometimes it is so hard to ask.
I think my problem is that I'm fairly intuitive, and most of the time, I can tell when I should reach out and when I should stay back. And I take that for granted, and think everyone else should know, too. So as straightforward as I typically am, I still feel like I shouldn't have to say it. Which is just as unfair of me as it is (in my perception) cold of them, y'know?
So yeah, you're right. We give what we expect to get, and when those don't match up... Yeah.
I had this problem as well when I lived an hour away, then 14 hours away. Not many calls and no visits.
However, when the shit hit the fan, any of the three close friends I've had for 25, 25 and 15 years respectively would drop everything (so long as their house wasn't on fire, they weren't at work and physically could not leave, and their kids were watched) to help out when the situation warrants. That's what friendship has become for me, more than the random phonecall to see how things are, but being there when the shit really hits the fan. We all know everyone has their own lives (one has three kids, one just had a new baby, the other is perpetually injured and when not so is working all the time), but also know we're there when it really counts. =P
Yeah usually good news and bad news do it. I find so much stuff happens between times my friends and I hang out that it either comes out in a big blurb or I forget what I've actually told them over the times between. =P
To me I find it difficult so I usually send an e-mail or phone someone to make sure they are okay, since I can't just drive and walk over to be with someone when they need it, it just doesn't work that way for me, even though I would love to... That's the drawback of being blind, not able to drive!
I sorta defined how "there" is for me two comments up. I almost never get phonecalls anymore (I hate the phone anyway, being on it makes me uncomfortable and my brain tends to go "I could be doing this or this or this.." the minute I get on it), but when needed, I drop everything and do stuff for my friends, and they do the same for me. My friends may have other friends they see and talk to every day, due to work or having more hobbies in common, but when it really comes down to it, it's me (and me them) they turn to when the car needs to get picked up, or the kids need to get off the bus, or they need a drive to the doctor's office. I've gotten over feeling like this is me or them being used, but it's more "this person knows, just as I know for them, that I'm the person that's been there for them so long that we're past that calling to chat every day stage and down to the real life "stuff that can suck/isn't always fun about being friends stage." =P
Makes perfect sense. And that's a pretty normal way for a friendship to evolve. But at least you feel confident that they'd do that for you, y'know? I'm not sure if I can say the same.
Like zia_narratora says, a lot of people try to offer what they themselves would like to have. For me, a text message is awesome! People hardly ever send me texts or call me on the phone. Part of that is because I have a hard time reaching out myself and doing these things--but they really make my day when they happen. So, when I'm thinking about someone and wanting them to know that I care, I do these things.
I sometimes have trouble reaching out, too. And I think that sometimes I forget that I rely more on my intuition than most people, and I can tell when someone wants to be left alone or when I should say/do something. (Knowing what to say/do is a different story, though. LOL.)
I like hearing from people through whatever means, don't get me wrong. But when my friends aren't far away, and we could easily get together, a phone call or a text message that leads nowhere is lazy, and just makes me think there isn't much interest in actually spending time together.
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And how do you communicate that? Sometimes it is so hard to ask.
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So yeah, you're right. We give what we expect to get, and when those don't match up... Yeah.
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However, when the shit hit the fan, any of the three close friends I've had for 25, 25 and 15 years respectively would drop everything (so long as their house wasn't on fire, they weren't at work and physically could not leave, and their kids were watched) to help out when the situation warrants. That's what friendship has become for me, more than the random phonecall to see how things are, but being there when the shit really hits the fan. We all know everyone has their own lives (one has three kids, one just had a new baby, the other is perpetually injured and when not so is working all the time), but also know we're there when it really counts. =P
I hope your situation is like that at least.
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Hope that made sense.
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I like hearing from people through whatever means, don't get me wrong. But when my friends aren't far away, and we could easily get together, a phone call or a text message that leads nowhere is lazy, and just makes me think there isn't much interest in actually spending time together.
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