It's a good thing the Fraud Police aren't real.

[flamingsword]

I have weather veins.
They are especially sensitive
to dust storms and hurricanes.
When I am nervous my teeth chatter
like a wheelbarrow collecting rain.
I am rusty when I talk.
It’s the storm in me. - - Andrea Gibson

Comments

[franceschina]

I think, had you chosen a paradigm of selective dishonesty, you would have turned out to be a fairly manipulative person. For all the chaos and seeming randomness you surround yourself with, you seem to firmly want to be - if not in control - in charge of it. It probably wouldn't have been much of a stretch to extend that tendency, coupled with your desire to help others, into a "I'll manipulate you into doing this, because I think it's good for you" paradigm. That isn't at all who you are now, of course, but I can see the fossil DNA in your personality that it could have developed from.

On the point of excelling at things: you and I have a similar problem. Being creative people, the things we do tend to have an "all-or-nothing" quality to them. We feel that dividing our time and effort is destructive, and it certainly can be. The trick is to find people who you have good chemistry with that share your interests and your excitement level. That way, you have constant interaction, but of a resonant instead of dissonant kind. I'

[jslorentz]

"The trick is to find people who you have good chemistry with that share your interests and your excitement level."

THIS!

I still disagree...

[nyyki]

I don't see you as broken, that's only a perspective provided by those who try to judge you by some set of outside criteria. You are a perfect example of Flaming Sword, and all of your individual features that may not be held by others doesn't mean you're broken, it means you're you.This constant attempt folks have to judge themselves by an external standard and see where they're lacking is a failing of our social structure in that it is obsessed with reductionism and categorization. Ever read Donaldson's Chronicles of Thomas Covenant? (the first six books, I haven't read the second series and have heard very bad things about them) They can be rather dreary, but there's a concept at the end that deals with some of this, and it's pretty powerful.
Oh, and I still need your email address when you get the time.

Re: I still disagree...

[flamingsword]

I'm not much broken any more. I've been fixing myself since I was eleven, though, so I don't expect you to be divine from the ether what I used to be like. But trust me, even if I was not as broken as I thought I was (societal standards being the crap they are) I still had problems with violence, impulse control, respecting the safety concerns of others, hating 3/4 of the populace on sight, and wanting to share my pain with someone enough to not feel so lonely even if I had to beat them up to do it. When I say that I could have been a serial killer, that's not hyperbole. I'm a good person now because I decided to be, not because this way is "right" but because the other way was *stupid*.

When did you need my email? My memory is so much fail. I'll email you from my account in a bit.

Re: I still disagree...

[jslorentz]

"I still had problems with violence, impulse control, respecting the safety concerns of others, hating 3/4 of the populace on sight, and wanting to share my pain with someone enough to not feel so lonely even if I had to beat them up to do it. When I say that I could have been a serial killer, that's not hyperbole. I'm a good person now because I decided to be..."

Perhaps you haven't overestimated your brokenness, then or now, so much as you have in the past (and do less now???) underestimated the brokenness of those around you. I knew kids with some/most/all of the problems you listed growing up, but most of them never grew to asking the questions you did, let alone answering them and following through as well as you have. You are the sum of your decisions as much or more than you are the sum of your circumstances.

"...not because this way is "right" but because the other way was *stupid*."

This! :D Way to activate choice!

[jslorentz]

"Saying the wrong thing" is an important belief of mine. Often we (and I leave it to you whether you are included in this "we") are afraid of upsetting others not because of compassion for them but because we don't want to be less than, imperfect, or weak. This is why so many people speak boldly or barely speak at all, and each path has its own internal bullshit where after a while, you start to believe the presentation as your truest self. Breaking out of that habit is the greatest freedom I've known or seen in others

[flamingsword]

I didn't care about seeming weak, I cared about seeming broken or crazy and having Mom know that she'd really lost both of us. I cared about being medicated or put in an institution or going to juvie for putting someone in the hospital. In my mind, those were very real possibilities. As an adult I recognize that my family is full of enablers who would've made excuses for me and not made me take meds or committed me, but as a kid that was not how it looked.

"You got to the meta first and then filled in the learning with full awareness of how difficult and bizarre the whole process was." <--THIS.

My everything has always been cerebral. And the fact that I can never forget how contrived it is is part of why it never feels natural I think. It needs ruminating, but there is some piece of truth in this that I need to fit into my understanding of my feeling of alienation. It feels important. Thank you!

"Would you choose to do something more with it so others can recognize your insight with fame and wealth, or are you content to thrive

[jslorentz]

Can I volunteer? I'm more cerebral than most, though not nearly as cerebral than you, and I have some experience translating across approaches in ways that might make aid that communication.

[elucreh]

I love you an awful lot.

[flamingsword]

Then why are you not here in Texas being my love slave? Lies, woman! :D

I should post the new and complicated thoughts I have about gluten. I need to sort some thoughts out and see if I'm bowing to cognitive dissonance because of croissant-related cravings.