Fic: Glee: Twenty-three Firsts (Kurt/Blaine, NC-17) - A Near Misses story 5a/5
Thanks to everyone who has been reading and leaving me comments along the way. I really appreciate your support and encouragement! I hope you enjoy how the story ends. :)
THIS STORY IS NOW COMPLETE!
Part one.
Part two.
Part three.
Part four.
Title: "Twenty-three Firsts" 5/5 [on the AO3]
Author: flaming muse
Fandom: Glee
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word count: 13,000 this part, 58,000 overall
Summary: Friends, places, and conversations: twenty-three firsts for Kurt and Blaine. A Near Misses story.
Spoilers: all of Near Misses, which includes elements of canon through 3x22 ("Goodbye")
Notes: set just after Near Misses (and assumes "Facebook Official")
Disclaimers: The characters belong to various corporate Powers That Be. I make absolutely no profit from playing with them.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback is lovely!
18. Alliance Dance Peter
A few weeks after Spring Break, Kurt paid his entry fee, got the impossible-to-remove underage stamp pressed onto the back of his hand, and walked through the door to the LGBT Alliance dance with his head held determinedly high. The room was going to be full of Blaine's friends - although those he'd met had been pleasant enough, if rather boisterous, like a big pack of friendly, foul-mouthed, potentially pre-alcoholic puppy dogs who wanted to drag Blaine off to party with them - he had a not altogether positive history with these events, and he absolutely refused to let any of his feelings about it show. Blaine cared about the organization, he had helped set up the dance, and Kurt wasn't going to do anything to ruin the night for him.
Besides, a part of him was really looking forward to dancing with Blaine again, even if he didn't need to do it with the gossiping eyes of the group on him. It didn't matter. The bitter truth was that like New Directions they were going to gossip, anyway; he might as well get some dancing out of it.
It was early enough that the room wasn't crowded yet, but even if it had been, even if Kurt hadn't known him, Kurt's eyes would have caught on Blaine where he was standing by the bar. Not only was he dressed well for the crowd - still casually, but his maroon striped henley and dark jeans actually fit him - but he had this energy about him that was impossible to ignore. He was vibrant, animated, and full of life. He was something special among the mundane. Kurt smiled to himself as he walked toward his boyfriend, feeling his step fall into the rhythm of the same music that was making Blaine bounce where he stood.
Blaine was talking to a tall, blond student; his face was familiar from Blaine's Facebook pictures, though in person it rang even more of a bell in Kurt's memory for some reason. Kurt knew who he was; he was Peter, whom he hadn't met yet.
Kurt hadn't been avoiding Peter, precisely, since he knew that would have put him into bad boyfriend territory, but since he was the friend Kurt was the most uneasy about seeing he hadn't exactly pushed for the meeting. Peter's history with Blaine was more complicated than Blaine's with Julie and Meg, after all, and they were enough for Kurt to have to incorporate into his life. He didn't need more friends, especially those not of his own choosing. He was busy enough with the ones he liked. He wasn't in any hurry to add more.
Especially not when Blaine had actively courted this one and sung his praises to Kurt for agonizing days. No, Kurt didn't need a new friend in Peter, at whom he would probably never be able to look without remembering everything Blaine must still see in him.
But he also wasn't going to turn tail and run because Blaine's heart had been and maybe still was pulled toward other people, so he kept walking.
Blaine glanced out over the room as he spoke to Peter, and the second he saw Kurt his eyes sparked like fireworks, his mouth turning up into a smile. "Kurt!" he said, bounding over to him and taking his hand. "Hi! You look amazing!"
"Thank you," Kurt replied with a smile of his own as Blaine led him toward the bar. He'd put extra care into his outfit, picking a vest that skimmed his ribs and made his shoulders look broad, jeans that were tight but had enough give to them to dance in, and boots that were both comfortable and shined to perfection.
"Do you want a drink?" Blaine asked, and - ah - that explained some of his excitement. There was an empty beer bottle on the bar next to where he'd been standing, with another one halfway drained beside it.
"Rum and diet, please," Kurt replied. One drink wasn't going to make him lose his head, but it might let him ignore everyone else a little more easily. There was no point to the night if he couldn't have fun with Blaine.
"I'm Peter," the other boy said, holding out his hand to shake as Blaine talked to the bartender.
As Kurt met it, he looked Peter over from head to toe. He definitely looked familiar, like he might have met him before, but more than that he looked… sloppy. His hair was too long, his sweater was too baggy and misshapen, his jeans had a hole in the knee, and his sneakers were just boring.
Rocking back on his heels, Kurt realized with a shock that he should have insisted on meeting Peter weeks ago.
Kurt was sure Peter had many redeeming qualities if Blaine had at least part-way fallen for him, but one thing Kurt knew with sudden certainty was that he absolutely wasn't competition. Kurt knew Blaine. He knew Blaine cared first and foremost about a good heart, but he was also a boy who used to subscribe to Vogue and who could speak with some credibility about different ways to tie a cravat and the appropriate uses of silk charmeuse, at least when he wasn't being distracted by rolling around on the floor with Swatch at Mood.
Blaine might have tried to blend in with the frat boy style and mentality, but it wasn't what drove him. It wasn't who he really was.
Blaine was never going to end up with someone whose outlook was so incompatible, not now that he'd found someone who was on the same page with his inner heart.
"Kurt," he replied, amused that he could ever have been the least bit concerned about Blaine's affections drifting back in Peter's direction. It was ridiculous.
"It's great to see you," Peter said, and the spark in his eye made Kurt sure they must have met before. Maybe Peter had tried to hit on him the year before; Kurt certainly hadn't slept with him, he knew that much. He couldn't imagine even having talked to him. "Blaine talks about you all of the time. You should come to the Alliance meetings, hang out with us." He looked actively interested in Kurt - curious, possibly even a little confused about why Blaine was so taken with him, but friendly nonetheless.
Kurt made a noncommittal sound. "That's more Blaine's thing than mine. I might take him up on singing at the center at some point."
"Great," Peter said with a smile. "Better you than me. Blaine says your voice is really exceptional."
"He has been talking about me," Kurt said with some delight, squeezing Blaine's hand. He couldn't help but be thrilled to hear that Blaine was talking about his specific talents to his friends, like maybe he was bragging a little or showing him off. He hadn't expected that, but he certainly liked it.
"They don't have rum yet," Blaine told him as he turned back toward him. "Dave's running late with half the drinks. Do you want something else? Or do you want to dance first?"
Kurt took in Blaine's cheerful face and the way he was swinging their linked hands in time with the music, and he found it impossible not to smile at him. "I'm ready to dance."
He didn't need a drink, and he didn't feel any need to look back as he led Blaine onto the floor. Blaine was happy, and no one else mattered. There was nothing to worry about.
19. Alliance Dance
Blaine wondered if the Union had gotten new lights in the room, because they seemed extra swirly and sparkly as they flashed and twisted all around them on the dance floor. Maybe they were new. Or maybe it was the beer. It could have been the beer. Beer always made the world seem swirly; that was part of why he liked it.
Or maybe, he thought, it was Kurt.
Blaine tipped his head against Kurt's, his body held securely in Kurt's arms as Kurt led him through the slow song, and smiled to himself. It was probably Kurt. Kurt, who had been dancing with him all night. Kurt, who had been sparkling and gorgeous and hot and sweet and subtly flirty and not at all remote. Kurt, who hadn't looked away or over his head even once but who had been focused on him.
Kurt, who was going to go home with him at the end of the night and take him into his bed and do wonderful things with him, not because he'd gotten his fill of chasing others but because he never seemed to get his fill of being with Blaine.
Kurt, who, no matter how busy he was becoming, also kept getting better and better the more Blaine knew of him.
Blaine looked up at him again, at the clear affection in Kurt's eyes, at the sureness of his smile.
Yes, Blaine thought happily as Kurt spun him in a slow circle, it wasn't the lights that were making everything shine like magic. It was Kurt.
"We should do this every night," he murmured against Kurt's ear. It didn't matter that Kurt wasn't going to kiss him here in the middle of this wonderful moment. "I want to do this every night."
Kurt let out a soft laugh, his breath ruffling Blaine's hair and his hand flexing on Blaine's back, and spun him deeper into the dance.
20. Fight
At Kurt's familiar rap on his dorm room door only six minutes later than he'd said he would arrive, Blaine shoved the rest of his socks into his drawer, unmatched, and hurried to let Kurt in, a smile automatically rising onto his face. They'd had to skip their almost weekly Sunday morning brunch because Kurt had had an extra Brigadoon dance rehearsal, and they both had to spend the afternoon studying, but at least they could be together for the rest of the day. In Blaine's room. With a door that shut. While Rob was out until at least eight that night.
So maybe Blaine was hoping that they would get to do a little more than studying, because their time was limited and precious right now, but mostly he was just happy that they would get to spend the time together somewhere more comfortable than a coffee shop or the library.
"Hi," Kurt said, bustling inside as soon as Blaine had the door open. He leaned in and brushed a short kiss against the edge of Blaine's mouth before heading for his bed and setting down his two bulging bags and pulling off his long scarf. "I am very glad to be here."
"I'm glad you're here, too," Blaine said, holding out his hand to take Kurt's coat.
"I think that was the longest rehearsal of my life," Kurt said with a harried air. He gave his coat to Blaine with a smile and set his scarf on top of it. "The steps are just not that complicated, and yet Ian cannot get them to save his life. I can't believe how much time we had to waste on it."
Blaine hung Kurt's coat on one of the hooks in his closet, carefully smoothing the sleeves so that they wouldn't wrinkle. "I'm sorry."
Kurt shook his head. "I wouldn't care that much - I mean, I danced with Finn for years - but I have to write up this précis for my seminar for tomorrow, and I haven't even had time to finish reading the article, nevertheless start writing about it, and with Amanda having mono now I just don't have any time to waste on - "
"Wait, Amanda has mono?" Blaine interrupted.
"Haven't you checked your e-mail? She sent something an hour ago. I got it on my way over."
Blaine shook his head and picked up his phone; he'd been busy cleaning since he got back from brunch, putting away his clean laundry from last night's two am load, recycling Rob's tower of cans that always made Kurt worry there were bugs in the room, and putting new sheets on the bed in case he could get Kurt to take advantage of Rob's absence, although with the way Kurt was pulling books, papers, and his laptop out of his bag and spreading them across the tidy comforter the possibility of anything of the sort was looking a lot less likely than Blaine had hoped.
"What are we going to do?" Blaine asked, scanning the brief e-mail Amanda had sent apologizing that she had to pull out of the Review. She was a featured singer in two parts of the show, plus backing in others. It was no small loss, no small problem.
"I don't know," Kurt said, putting his dance bag on the floor and sitting down in the spot it had taken on the edge of the bed. He leaned back over his books. "I can't worry about it right now. Well, I can and am, obviously, but Tina is out of contact today at that anthro thing, and I should probably come up with a good bribe before I beg her to take the part, since she has the best chance of stepping into both the role and the dress I made for the first act closing solo."
Blaine stepped forward toward him, wishing Kurt would slow down from whatever he was doing enough to look at him more than with glances through the conversation. This was a big problem, and they should have been working on it together instead of Kurt's mind spinning away on its own as it so often did. "But she doesn't want to perform."
Kurt shot him yet another unsatisfyingly short look. "Hence the bribe." He pulled his laptop onto his lap and opened it.
"Maybe we should come up with other options," Blaine said. "You've had some reservations about that number since we - "
"I can't ask anyone to prepare something new on top of what we're already doing. We're two weeks out; there isn't time. It's nearing finals. Everybody is swamped." Kurt typed a few things and nodded to himself. "And I was right; there's absolutely no budget here for a new wardrobe or set, not with the extra materials Ang just had to buy for that drop that was damaged. It will be hard enough rearranging some of the songs without Amanda's voice, and there just isn't time for something new. Tina has enough experience putting together routines at the last minute from New Directions, and she doesn't already have a rehearsal schedule to work around, so I think she's our best option."
We both have show choir experience, too, Blaine thought to himself, but he knew better than to try to get Kurt to stop and listen when he was in that sort of mood. Kurt wasn't ready to think about it; he just wanted to solve it and move on. Once he wasn't feeling so overloaded and had finished some of the projects he had with looming deadlines, he would be more willing to look at other options.
Then again, given how adamant he had been about not singing with Blaine in the Review, maybe he wouldn't be.
Blaine pushed aside the twinge of bitterness about that, reminded himself that he completely understood Kurt's reasons for not wanting to display their relationship to others that way, even now that they were settling into it a little, and asked, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Something diet with as much caffeine as possible would be wonderful," Kurt said with a smile, and he moved his things around on Blaine's bed so that he could prop himself up across it with his back against the wall.
Blaine fetched a can of diet soda from the mini-fridge and handed it to Kurt, who took a long drink before setting it on the edge of Blaine's desk. "Thank you. Maybe now I can keep my eyes open through the rest of this article," Kurt said, stretching his long arms up over his head in a very distracting way, though he didn't seem to be much in the mood to be distracted. It was all right. Blaine had his own pile of work to do, anyway. At least they were together.
Sitting down in his desk chair and pulling out his own work - an econ problem set and a poli sci response paper - Blaine said, "That bad?"
"I never knew that Molière could be so entertaining and reading about Molière could be so incredibly dull," Kurt said. "Promise you'll nudge me if I start to doze off?"
Blaine grinned over at him and said, "Only if you promise to do the same for me."
Kurt's eyes warmed, and he smiled a little in that fond way he had that always made Blaine wonder if Kurt was humoring him. "But you're so cute when you snore."
"You don't say that in the middle of the night," Blaine reminded him. His heart had to lift at the compliment and the thought that Kurt liked sleeping with him. It wasn't usually that convenient to share a bed, especially now that they were being pulled in so many directions at the end of the semester, but it was one of Blaine's favorite things, being able to snuggle up close all night and wake up with him in the morning. Despite how cramped the space was, he always slept best curled around Kurt.
"Mmm," Kurt replied, a noncommittal sound, and he leaned forward to dig in his bag again. "That's because you're usually snoring right in my - oh." He pulled out a manila folder with a drawing of the sun on it and flipped it open with a frown.
"Everything okay?" Blaine asked.
Kurt shook his head. "It's fine. I have Christa's prop file, but I can give it back to her at dinner tomorrow." He set it aside and pulled out his laptop cord. "Would you mind?" he asked, offering one end to Blaine.
Blaine took it automatically, but as he bent down to plug it into an open outlet by his desk he asked in some confusion, "Christa's coming to dinner tomorrow?"
"Yes, she and I need to re-work the staging of that second act monstrosity, and we thought it would go a little a little better over food. She's bringing pizza from the Union; I'm getting those brownies she likes from Warren." Kurt looked up as Blaine slotted the plug into place and the light on his laptop turned on, and he said, "Thank you, that will - " He stopped when he took in Blaine's expression. "Is something wrong?"
Blaine breathed in through his nose and tried not to get worked up over something so small. "I thought we were having dinner tomorrow." It was Monday, after all, and they'd had dinner together alone every Monday since they'd started dating. It was their night. It was one of the best meals of the week, really, because although they ate together a lot there were usually other people around, by accident or by design, but Mondays they met up at the fine arts café after Kurt's last class and had dinner only the two of them.
Just apparently not this week.
"We were?" Briskly efficient, Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket, tapped the screen a few times, and frowned at it. "You're not in my calendar. Did I forget to put it in there? If I make it through the rest of this semester without forgetting a final or a deadline, it is going to be a lucky thing…"
"No," Blaine said, because he didn't want Kurt to be blaming himself for something he didn't do. "I don't think we'd said anything official. I just assumed…"
"Okay," Kurt said, his shoulders dropping in relief. "So I'm not losing my mind."
"I don't think so." Blaine adjusted his books on his desk, squaring them against the corner and working very hard not to be disappointed about the change in plans. It wasn't even a change, he reminded himself; he'd just been wrong.
Kurt set his phone on Blaine's bed. "That's good," he said, opening his laptop once more. "Because I really have enough to do without worrying about early onset dementia, too."
"So," Blaine said, taking a breath and trying to make the best of the situation, because if they hadn't made official plans then he couldn't just expect Kurt to have the same ideas about what he'd thought was tradition, "maybe another night? For dinner?"
"Oh. I'd like that." Kurt reached for his phone again and turned it back on. "Let's see. Tuesday I'm in the costume shop with Tina finishing up our sewing for the Review. Wednesday I'm working, but I could meet you a little after eight."
Looking at his own calendar, Blaine shook his head. "Julie organized dinner and the free mid-week movie. It's Casablanca. A bunch of us are going as a study break." And he'd agreed to go because he knew Kurt was working, and they were supposed to be having dinner on Monday. His foot began to bounce in frustration where it was hooked on the rung of his chair.
"Thursday I have back-to-back rehearsals for the play and the Review," Kurt said.
"And I have a study group, anyway," Blaine said, flipping to the next day as his heart sank further and further toward the floor. "And Friday is Wes's performance."
"Mmm." Kurt looked over at him. "I was thinking of wearing my new jacket if the weather is cool enough. You know, the one we got at that sample sale the other week?"
Blaine's mouth went a little dry at the memory of Kurt stepping out of the makeshift changing room in that gorgeous charcoal grey jacket with the subtle shimmer of embroidery at the lapels. It had set off his waist and shoulders so beautifully, and Blaine had had to work very hard not to run his hands all over them. "I like you in that jacket," he said.
Kurt smiled at him, his eyes going bright, pleased, and a touch flirty. "I know."
Clearing his throat and pulling himself back from that memory, because they were in the middle of something important - even if Kurt liking Blaine liking what he was wearing was kind of important, too - Blaine said, "So not Friday. Saturday?"
"That's our first tech run-through," Kurt reminded him.
"Oh, that's right." Blaine sighed, squared his jaw, and flipped to Sunday, a week from that day. "Sunday?" he asked in some frustration.
"Rachel already sent out invitations for brunch. That night, I have rehearsal until seven, but I'm free after that." Kurt tilted his head, hopeful.
"That's - " Blaine saw a note on his calendar and shook his head. "I have another study group for my econ final starting at eight." He put his phone down on the desk. "Look, why don't you come to Casablanca on Wednesday with us? You can meet up with us at the Odeum after work, and we can sneak you in a slice of pizza or something if you don't want to fill up on popcorn for dinner. We'll probably all go for coffee after, too."
"I don't think so," Kurt said with a dismissive laugh, like it was the most ridiculous idea in the world. "But if you want you can come sit with us on Tuesday. Tina won't mind the company."
Blaine contemplated being stuck in the cavernous prop and costume shop for hours while the two of them sewed. He'd hung out in there with Kurt at work before, but it was neither comfortable nor intimate, and much of the point of having a dedicated night with Kurt was for it to be something special for the two of them to do together. At least at the movies they could hold hands, maybe share a chair if the coffee shop was crowded. In the costume room, Kurt would just be working, and Blaine couldn't even help with it.
"Come on, you love Casablanca," Blaine said.
"I love Ingrid Bergman," Kurt corrected, "and I thought the point of this whole thing was for us to be able to spend time together."
Blaine lifted his chin, trying not to bristle too much. He needed to stay calm. "Which we would be doing at the movie and after."
"I have a lot of things I need to spend time on this week, Blaine," Kurt said more sharply. "The Review, the play, work, homework - "
"I was just trying to spend some time with you," Blaine reminded him, flexing his hands in his lap.
"And I'd like to spend time with you, too," Kurt shot back, "but even on a good week the last thing I want to do is spend a few hours not being able to talk to you because your friends are around, and with everything I have to do this is far from a good week."
"But you can talk to me with Tina there?" Blaine asked, his voice going a little harder. "Because that was your other offer."
"More than I can with them. And she's at least your friend, too."
"My friends are your friends," Blaine said.
Kurt crossed his legs at the ankle and dropped his phone back to the bed. "No, they aren't."
"They could be," Blaine said, his skin prickling at how quickly Kurt scorned the idea.
Kurt laughed again, the sound lodging a chill in Blaine's heart. Sebastian hadn't liked his friends, either, even though they were fellow Warblers, and though Blaine knew Kurt wasn't Sebastian, the ground suddenly felt unsteady beneath his feet.
"Blaine, they're your friends. You have things in common with them. I don't. It's not a problem, but I don't."
"You have things in common with me," Blaine reminded him, and if he did with his friends then Kurt must, too.
"Yes, and that's why I want to spend time with you," Kurt replied, his fingers tapping in frustration on his thigh. "But I have so much to get done, and I'm the only one who can do it, you know that. Sitting in a movie theater through a movie I've seen a half-dozen times and going for coffee when I'll be lucky if you and I get to say more than two words to each other the whole night without someone interrupting to invite us to an 'awesome room party' that I don't want to go to or trying to take an incriminating picture to put on Facebook every time I as much as smile at you is not a good use of my waking hours."
Blaine couldn't stop his jaw from tensing and relaxing as he looked down at his desk, upset and kind of angry. He knew Kurt was overloaded. He knew Kurt was used to doing everything on his own and had very high standards for it. He knew Kurt wasn't so much rejecting what Blaine wanted to do as trying to prioritize his time.
And yet it still stung, it still hurt, actually, because Kurt didn't have to like his friends, but Kurt was supposed to like him, and that meant blocking out time in his week for the two of them and doing things he might not want to do as his first choice or even his fifth because he got to do them with Blaine. Because Blaine was supposed to be his boyfriend, not an afterthought, not someone he fit in around the rest of his life. He was supposed to be central in his life. Wasn't he?
Blaine knew the right thing to do was to let it go. Kurt wasn't being malicious; he was being his busy, closed-off, all-business self, the way he'd always been when he wasn't focused on Blaine or his closest friends, and as soon as the play and the Review were past and he had a handle on finals he'd be in a better and more generous place. Blaine knew it would be best just to drop it and take what he could get.
Except it wouldn't be best for him, because he'd learned to keep his feelings to himself with Sebastian, and he knew just how bad it could be to take what he could get. He didn't want that in general, and he didn't want it especially with Kurt. He didn't want things between them to be good enough; he wanted them to be amazing.
He wanted them, first and foremost, to be honest, because he thought they had something amazingly special, and it wasn't going to be special if they weren't okay. He was pretty sure Kurt felt the same way.
So he trusted in that knowledge, let himself be hurt, drew a slow breath, and said to Kurt in a way he knew he probably wouldn't have with anyone else, "I'm sorry, I thought spending time with me when there's no other opportunity for a week would be a good use of your waking hours."
Kurt's eyes narrowed, and he replied coolly, "I will see you throughout the week, or are you planning on skipping out on the Review meetings and rehearsals, our breakfast with Tina and Angelica on Thursday, or Friday night out to see Wes?"
"I'm not skipping any of them," Blaine said, "but those are your things."
"I thought they were our things," Kurt said, drawing himself up on the bed. He was starting to go pale, his eyes hard, and Blaine knew he should back off before he said something that ruined everything, but he couldn't. He couldn't. There was too much he'd been holding inside, and he needed to be able to tell Kurt about it.
"They're still your things first. Your friends. Your plans."
"And who was it who went to school with Wes? I'm pretty sure you were the one who wore that ridiculous blazer." Kurt's tone was icy, casual but dangerous.
"And who are we meeting there?" Blaine replied, not flinching. "Rachel. Mike. Tina. Ethan."
"I didn't realize you were keeping all of them so divided," Kurt said. "Mine and yours, his and his. So easy to separate." He huffed out a humorless laugh and looked across the room for a moment. "I thought you actually liked them, since you were close to them long before you and I were even speaking in a civil tone."
"I do like them," Blaine said. His heart clenched at the word 'separate', but the heat of his anger was rising. "You know I do, they're great, but you don't feel the same way about my friends. You're the one keeping them separate."
"Pardon me if I'm not exactly thrilled about spending time with the people who led you into a life of drunken debauchery," Kurt drawled.
Blaine shot out of his chair, pacing away from Kurt sitting so rigidly on his bed, because he needed to move, needed to breathe, needed not to feel like he was being accused of things that just were not true. "They didn't do that. I did. I'm the one who chose to do what I did, and I was stupid, but I made some awesome friends when I did it."
"Oh, yes," Kurt scoffed, cool and distant as a statue. "And how many of them have tried to tempt you into falling back into that habit? They do it when I'm right there, handing you another beer, inviting you out to club crawls and room parties."
"And I say no," Blaine reminded him, his voice rising, "or I say yes, and I don't do anything. I thought you trusted me."
"I do," Kurt was quick to say, still angry but honest enough that Blaine could let that accusation go. "But I don't have to like them, and I don't have to like how they look at me, like I'm a wet blanket keeping you from having fun with them because you're focused on me."
"I like being focused on you. And why do you care what they think of you?" Blaine threw up his hands. "Kurt, why do you care at all?"
Kurt tipped his head, his expression hard. "Because they're your friends, Blaine. Obviously I care."
"But - " It was on the tip of Blaine's tongue that Kurt didn't care what anyone thought of him, that he went through his life with his head held high and his clothes utterly perfect no matter how anyone stared or judged, but he realized that wasn't true. Kurt might not let people stop him, but he cared quite a lot. And, in fact, he did let people stop him sometimes when it came to his heart.
Blaine sucked in a sharp breath through his nose as his own heart, so free and open to Kurt, felt less important than ever. "I would really like," he bit out, "if you can ever get yourself there, for you to think about me before other people."
Kurt's chin rose. "I do think of you," he told him, matching his tone.
"If you did, you wouldn't care that there would be people around judging or not. You'd just care about being with me, Kurt. You wouldn't care if people took a picture of us kissing, because you'd want to be kissing me. You wouldn't care if people made stupid comments if we sang together because you'd want to be singing with me." Blaine paced away and turned back sharply; Kurt was staring at him, his eyes wide and hurt and upset.
"Blaine - " he started.
"No. I know you've been through a lot, and so have I. I understand. I do." Blaine took a quick breath, trying to stay calm, but the words spilled out anyway, beyond his control. "But it shouldn't be too much for me to give you a kiss even if Julie catcalls and Meg takes a picture. It shouldn't be too much to hold hands at Wes's concert even if Rachel makes smug faces at you." His voice grew wetter, shakier, much to his dismay. "And it really, really shouldn't be too much for me to want to sing with you at karaoke or at the Review. I know you think it is, I know why you do, and I want to respect it, but it isn't too much. It doesn't have to be." He held his crossed arms over his aching chest, watched Kurt take that all in, and waited for Kurt to blow up. A part of him knew this could end everything between them, him pushing, but the rest of him knew Kurt well enough to be sure he wouldn't just walk out on him before they'd talked it out. Blaine could tell him, and Kurt would at least try to listen, even if there was no solution.
Kurt stared at him for a long moment, seemingly frozen, and then his jaw worked, his eyes softened just a hair, and he said more quietly, "Is that what this is all about? You still want to sing with me at the Review?"
Blaine didn't know how to answer and didn't trust his voice, so he just shrugged, because it wasn't just that, but it kept coming up again and again, the idea of singing with Kurt, singing something wonderful and real with him, just getting to be real with him.
He just wanted to be real, all of the time, no holding back. Kurt might not want to, he might never want to, but Blaine did.
"I didn't realize that was so important to you," Kurt said, his whole body still tight.
"It's not so important, not if it's not right for the show, but…" Blaine trailed off, the anger fading back into hurt and leaving him feeling weak again, powerless in the face of whatever Kurt would give him. He knew Kurt cared, he knew whatever he gave him would be good, even if it wasn't everything he wanted.
Kurt watched him. "But what?"
Blaine shrugged again and knew he had to give more of an answer than that. "But I'd like it to be an option," he said.
Kurt folded his hands neatly in his lap and stared at them for a long minute. He seemed so still and withdrawn that Blaine had no idea how to reach him, no matter that he was only feet away. He was as untouchable as a picture, as foreign as a stranger.
Then Kurt's shoulders fell, his posture slumped, and he looked up and said with quiet determination, his Kurt once more, "It's not too much for you to ask. Any of that."
Blaine's breath came out in a rush - he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding it - and he walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge next to Kurt's long legs. That response wasn't at all what he'd expected; he'd seen Kurt fight like a cat cornered over far smaller issues: hard, loud, and long. He thought he'd get every fault of his own thrown back at him. He thought he'd be met with derision and denial. He didn't expect Kurt to agree. "I don't want to push you if you aren't - " he began.
"No one pushes me, Blaine," Kurt said with a faint smile. "Not even you. But you're right. I don't think I'll ever be too fond of PDA, but I'm very fond of you." His smile turned helpless and a little sad. "You're more important."
"Kurt - " Blaine reached out and put his hand on Kurt's shin, because he liked the words if not the look on Kurt's face.
"I can't promise I'm ever going to love your friends, either," Kurt continued, "although Meg has potential."
Blaine squeezed his leg, warm through his jeans. "Kurt - "
Leaning his head back against the wall, Kurt breathed in through his nose and kept going, "But we will talk about the Review. About the act one finale." He looked straight into Blaine's eyes, unwavering. "We can be an option. If you'd like."
Swallowing back the lump in his throat, because he was so turned around he didn't know how to feel but he was pretty sure it was supposed to be good, Blaine said, "I'd like that."
"I'm not saying it will be sappy," Kurt warned.
"It doesn't have to be," Blaine told him. "Kurt, you don't have to do anything - "
Kurt reached out and put his hand over Blaine's, stopping him. "You've been holding this in for a while," he said seriously, not a question but still with the expectation of an answer.
"Yes," Blaine said roughly, jerking his head in a nod. "I guess so."
Kurt squeezed his fingers around Blaine's and looked straight into his eyes; the beautiful blue-green of his own was arresting, mesmerizing. "Please don't hold things in with me."
"I wasn't trying to lie to you or hide - " Blaine was quick to assure him.
"I know," Kurt cut him off in reply. "But…" His eyes shifted away again, uncertain and tired, just for a second, then snapped back to Blaine's. "I don't want you to be holding back, Blaine. Not the good or the bad. I want this to work."
Blaine turned his hand over and threaded his fingers through Kurt's, feeling a curl of panic at whatever the undercurrent was beneath Kurt's words. "I want it to work, too. I'm not unhappy. I don't want you to think I have this list of complaints I'm going to pull out."
"I know," Kurt said, like he did, but he still seemed sad or worried or something Blaine didn't understand. After a moment, he said so softly, "I just want you to be able to talk to me."
"I can," Blaine said with a frown.
"But you didn't. Not about this. And obviously it's important to you, all of these things I'm not doing." The line of Kurt's mouth twisted like he was tasting something bitter.
"It's okay, Kurt," Blaine told him. "I didn't really think about it. I knew how you felt about them, so I just… dealt with it. Until today, I guess."
"And you thought I wanted you to 'deal with it'?" Kurt asked, watching him so very carefully.
Blaine couldn't answer, because clearly he had, it had been the obvious thing to do, but when Kurt said it that way, so quietly with that same unhappy undertone Blaine couldn't identify, it just felt wrong. It felt like he'd taken a very bad turn somewhere.
Kurt shook his head a little, looking away like he was hurt or maybe even disappointed. "I'm not Sebastian, Blaine." The words and the look went straight into Blaine's chest like a dagger.
"I know that," Blaine insisted. He was shocked by the mere suggestion. Of course Kurt wasn't Sebastian. Kurt made him happy. Kurt made him feel safe and wanted, and when he didn't, it wasn't on a whim but because he had a very good personal reason for it. He needed to know Blaine understood.
"If you did, if you really saw that, you'd know you could tell me anything," Kurt told him, focusing back on him. "I want that. I know it's the silly romantic in me, but I want us to be totally honest and open with each other. I want to share everything."
"I want that, too," Blaine said, but Kurt just shook his head again.
"I know he was bad for you, and I know you don't want to talk about him, but I thought that was because you were doing something different with me. That you knew I was different." Kurt's voice dropped to a harsh whisper through his last words.
"I do." Blaine squeezed his hand and leaned toward him. "Kurt, you're nothing like him. And I don't want to talk about him because he's in the past. I might make mistakes sometimes because this is new to me, too, and I'm sorry, but he doesn't matter now. What matters is us."
Kurt searched his face for what felt like forever, and then his shoulders dropped again, and he nodded in what might have been understanding but maybe was resignation. "You don't need to apologize," he said, forcing out a smile, but he still looked off.
Blaine couldn't read him and didn't know what it meant at all. He wasn't sure if Kurt was all right, if they were all right. He wasn't sure if he'd been wrong to say anything, even though Kurt had agreed with him.
And then he remembered that it was supposed to go both ways between them. He could just ask.
"Why are you upset?" he said.
Kurt shook his head a little. "I'm fine."
"Kurt," Blaine said pointedly.
Breathing out, Kurt said, "I'm just not as good at this as I thought I was."
"At what?"
"This." Kurt tugged on Blaine's hand, and the look on his face was definitely sad. His voice was soft and low, his shoulders slumped when they should have been straight and proud. "Relationships. I'd always thought I'd be a natural, given how much I dreamed about romance and partnership for so long, but… obviously I'm not."
"Kurt." A chilly tendril of dismay running up his spine, Blaine twisted so that he was kneeling facing him on his mattress. "You are great at this."
"Please don't," Kurt asked him, looking up into his eyes. "It's okay."
"I'm happy, Kurt," Blaine said, helpless, because if Kurt wasn't going to let him tell him how amazing he was he didn't know what to do to make him feel better. This wasn't supposed to make either of them feel bad. That was the point. "With you, with us. I'm happy."
"I want you to be, but you don't have to be." Kurt squared his back against the wall, getting an air of determination once more, like this was another burden to take on. "Thank you for talking with me. I have things to learn. Things to remember."
"I want you to be happy, too," Blaine said. He wished he could catch Kurt's face and make him see, not just become another project in his life. He wished he could make Kurt understand just how amazing it was that he was listening and cared at all, that he gave him so much, and even when Blaine wanted something different it was still so good between them.
Kurt ran his thumb in a gentle stroke across Blaine's hand where he held it. "I am. But that's the problem, because I'm happy, and I assume you are, too."
"I just said I am," Blaine reminded him, a little desperate.
"And you also said that I was making you feel less important than you are, and you're right. It doesn't matter what I tell you here," Kurt said, gesturing around Blaine's room, "if what you want is for me to show it to you out there instead."
Blaine shook his head. "Not instead. Also, maybe, but not instead. And only sometimes. I don't want you to be someone you aren't."
"That's good," Kurt said with a tired, self-conscious laugh, "because I've never been any good at that."
"I'd hate it if you were." Blaine put his free hand on top of their linked ones and tried to find the right words to put the joy back into Kurt's eyes. "I don't want you to pretend with me, because I don't want to pretend with you."
"That's the last thing I want," Kurt said softly, looking right into him in a way that made Blaine want to shiver.
"I know. That's part of why I am so crazy about you. Because you're crazy about me. All of me." It was slightly terrifying to say, even though he was sure it was true, because he just couldn't know if Kurt's feelings felt as big and certain as his own did, this intense affection for him that threatened to make his chest burst sometimes. It was so big, so much more than he'd ever felt for anyone, and he didn't want to get ahead of himself with how right it felt.
"I am," Kurt said, smiling a little wistfully as he reached up to touch Blaine's cheek. "I really am."
Blaine leaned into the touch, the itchy worry making his skin crawl soothing in an instant. If Kurt was reaching out to him again, maybe it was okay after all.
"I'm sorry that I've made you doubt that," Kurt said, turning a bit on the bed so that he was tilted more toward Blaine.
Blaine reached up and gently took Kurt's hand, turning his face to press on its knuckles. "We're just different. We don't want exactly the same things all of the time." With Sebastian, that had been a problem, and Blaine had worked hard to keep in line with what his boyfriend thought was right for them, but it was freeing not to have to fall into the same pattern with Kurt, even though he knew Kurt would always have a strong plan or idea of his own. If he was upset that Blaine hadn't spoken up sooner, Kurt clearly wanted to listen. "And I like that." He kissed Kurt's hand again.
Kurt's eyelids fluttered in that lovely way they did when he was particularly taken by Blaine's touch. "I do, too. Even when your ideas are personally inconvenient."
Blaine flinched, because he wanted the singing to be wonderful and not a bother, but Kurt, watching him, added, "I meant Casablanca, because I wish I were exaggerating about the thousand hours of work I have to get done this week, and I might have to pull an all-nighter if I go to the movie with you."
"Don't go," Blaine said, laying his hand on Kurt's knee. "It's all right. We can find another time, or I'll come stay with you one night, if you want."
Kurt laughed, a knowing chuckle that made the hair on Blaine's arms stand on end. "I thought all of this was about you wanting me to be more open in public."
"I do, but I'm not going to turn down time alone in private." Blaine could feel himself flushing, but he was also smiling, because that warm light in Kurt's eyes was always welcome.
Kurt's smile grew, then faded again, and he held out his hand for him. "Come here?" he asked.
Without question or delay, Blaine did, settling into his embrace and pulling him close. Kurt's arms were warm and sure around him, his body reassuringly familiar against his, and his face pressed against Blaine's shoulder. Blaine breathed in a little shakily, but by the time he exhaled he was already feeling almost normal, more grounded and secure.
"I'm sorry about arguing," Blaine murmured. "I want to take away from your stress, not add to it."
"I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry I didn't understand." Kurt's muffled reply was accompanied by a small squeeze. "But come up with a list of songs if you're going to make me redo the whole number instead of squeezing Tina into that dress and calling it a day?"
"I can do that," Blaine promised. He could feel Kurt's cheek tighten into a smile.
"Thank you." Kurt held him for a moment more, then pulled away and took a deep breath. He said with some small measure of pride, "We survived our first fight."
"I know," Blaine replied, and if he couldn't be happy about the tension between them, at least he'd come out of it with his heart and self-esteem intact instead of them being shredded like they'd been by Sebastian. It was okay.
He'd been absolutely right to trust Kurt to listen, if not always agree. It only made the feelings in his heart feel larger.
"Although I have to say I'm a little disappointed," Kurt said with a tiny gleam in his eye.
"Oh?"
Kurt crossed his legs and smoothed out his pants. "I've been assured by countless Hollywood rom-coms and TV dramas that fights between couples are supposed to include yelling, slamming doors, and throwing things. Needless vengeance on inanimate objects is optional but welcome. We didn't do any of that. I'm feeling let down."
Blaine smiled at him, just ridiculously fond of everything about him, including his quirky, warm sense of humor that soothed the raw edges of his feelings in just the right way. "We're still learning. Maybe it's something we can try to remember for next time?"
"There's always room to learn," Kurt agreed, and he fiddled with his notebook like he was going to start working before he leaned forward, reached out his hand to curl it over Blaine's shoulder, met his eyes for a moment like he was testing the waters, and gave him a short, soft kiss. Then he pulled away almost shyly and picked up his laptop.
His pulse pounding around the lump in his throat from that simple gesture of connection, full of gratitude for every bit of Kurt's heart that was his, it took Blaine a moment before he could pull himself together to get up and go back to his desk.
As he sat, he caught Kurt glancing over at him, and at least Blaine got to start his homework with a smile on his lips.
Onto 5b.
THIS STORY IS NOW COMPLETE!
Part one.
Part two.
Part three.
Part four.
Title: "Twenty-three Firsts" 5/5 [on the AO3]
Author: flaming muse
Fandom: Glee
Pairings: Kurt/Blaine
Rating: NC-17 overall
Word count: 13,000 this part, 58,000 overall
Summary: Friends, places, and conversations: twenty-three firsts for Kurt and Blaine. A Near Misses story.
Spoilers: all of Near Misses, which includes elements of canon through 3x22 ("Goodbye")
Notes: set just after Near Misses (and assumes "Facebook Official")
Disclaimers: The characters belong to various corporate Powers That Be. I make absolutely no profit from playing with them.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback is lovely!
18. Alliance Dance Peter
A few weeks after Spring Break, Kurt paid his entry fee, got the impossible-to-remove underage stamp pressed onto the back of his hand, and walked through the door to the LGBT Alliance dance with his head held determinedly high. The room was going to be full of Blaine's friends - although those he'd met had been pleasant enough, if rather boisterous, like a big pack of friendly, foul-mouthed, potentially pre-alcoholic puppy dogs who wanted to drag Blaine off to party with them - he had a not altogether positive history with these events, and he absolutely refused to let any of his feelings about it show. Blaine cared about the organization, he had helped set up the dance, and Kurt wasn't going to do anything to ruin the night for him.
Besides, a part of him was really looking forward to dancing with Blaine again, even if he didn't need to do it with the gossiping eyes of the group on him. It didn't matter. The bitter truth was that like New Directions they were going to gossip, anyway; he might as well get some dancing out of it.
It was early enough that the room wasn't crowded yet, but even if it had been, even if Kurt hadn't known him, Kurt's eyes would have caught on Blaine where he was standing by the bar. Not only was he dressed well for the crowd - still casually, but his maroon striped henley and dark jeans actually fit him - but he had this energy about him that was impossible to ignore. He was vibrant, animated, and full of life. He was something special among the mundane. Kurt smiled to himself as he walked toward his boyfriend, feeling his step fall into the rhythm of the same music that was making Blaine bounce where he stood.
Blaine was talking to a tall, blond student; his face was familiar from Blaine's Facebook pictures, though in person it rang even more of a bell in Kurt's memory for some reason. Kurt knew who he was; he was Peter, whom he hadn't met yet.
Kurt hadn't been avoiding Peter, precisely, since he knew that would have put him into bad boyfriend territory, but since he was the friend Kurt was the most uneasy about seeing he hadn't exactly pushed for the meeting. Peter's history with Blaine was more complicated than Blaine's with Julie and Meg, after all, and they were enough for Kurt to have to incorporate into his life. He didn't need more friends, especially those not of his own choosing. He was busy enough with the ones he liked. He wasn't in any hurry to add more.
Especially not when Blaine had actively courted this one and sung his praises to Kurt for agonizing days. No, Kurt didn't need a new friend in Peter, at whom he would probably never be able to look without remembering everything Blaine must still see in him.
But he also wasn't going to turn tail and run because Blaine's heart had been and maybe still was pulled toward other people, so he kept walking.
Blaine glanced out over the room as he spoke to Peter, and the second he saw Kurt his eyes sparked like fireworks, his mouth turning up into a smile. "Kurt!" he said, bounding over to him and taking his hand. "Hi! You look amazing!"
"Thank you," Kurt replied with a smile of his own as Blaine led him toward the bar. He'd put extra care into his outfit, picking a vest that skimmed his ribs and made his shoulders look broad, jeans that were tight but had enough give to them to dance in, and boots that were both comfortable and shined to perfection.
"Do you want a drink?" Blaine asked, and - ah - that explained some of his excitement. There was an empty beer bottle on the bar next to where he'd been standing, with another one halfway drained beside it.
"Rum and diet, please," Kurt replied. One drink wasn't going to make him lose his head, but it might let him ignore everyone else a little more easily. There was no point to the night if he couldn't have fun with Blaine.
"I'm Peter," the other boy said, holding out his hand to shake as Blaine talked to the bartender.
As Kurt met it, he looked Peter over from head to toe. He definitely looked familiar, like he might have met him before, but more than that he looked… sloppy. His hair was too long, his sweater was too baggy and misshapen, his jeans had a hole in the knee, and his sneakers were just boring.
Rocking back on his heels, Kurt realized with a shock that he should have insisted on meeting Peter weeks ago.
Kurt was sure Peter had many redeeming qualities if Blaine had at least part-way fallen for him, but one thing Kurt knew with sudden certainty was that he absolutely wasn't competition. Kurt knew Blaine. He knew Blaine cared first and foremost about a good heart, but he was also a boy who used to subscribe to Vogue and who could speak with some credibility about different ways to tie a cravat and the appropriate uses of silk charmeuse, at least when he wasn't being distracted by rolling around on the floor with Swatch at Mood.
Blaine might have tried to blend in with the frat boy style and mentality, but it wasn't what drove him. It wasn't who he really was.
Blaine was never going to end up with someone whose outlook was so incompatible, not now that he'd found someone who was on the same page with his inner heart.
"Kurt," he replied, amused that he could ever have been the least bit concerned about Blaine's affections drifting back in Peter's direction. It was ridiculous.
"It's great to see you," Peter said, and the spark in his eye made Kurt sure they must have met before. Maybe Peter had tried to hit on him the year before; Kurt certainly hadn't slept with him, he knew that much. He couldn't imagine even having talked to him. "Blaine talks about you all of the time. You should come to the Alliance meetings, hang out with us." He looked actively interested in Kurt - curious, possibly even a little confused about why Blaine was so taken with him, but friendly nonetheless.
Kurt made a noncommittal sound. "That's more Blaine's thing than mine. I might take him up on singing at the center at some point."
"Great," Peter said with a smile. "Better you than me. Blaine says your voice is really exceptional."
"He has been talking about me," Kurt said with some delight, squeezing Blaine's hand. He couldn't help but be thrilled to hear that Blaine was talking about his specific talents to his friends, like maybe he was bragging a little or showing him off. He hadn't expected that, but he certainly liked it.
"They don't have rum yet," Blaine told him as he turned back toward him. "Dave's running late with half the drinks. Do you want something else? Or do you want to dance first?"
Kurt took in Blaine's cheerful face and the way he was swinging their linked hands in time with the music, and he found it impossible not to smile at him. "I'm ready to dance."
He didn't need a drink, and he didn't feel any need to look back as he led Blaine onto the floor. Blaine was happy, and no one else mattered. There was nothing to worry about.
19. Alliance Dance
Blaine wondered if the Union had gotten new lights in the room, because they seemed extra swirly and sparkly as they flashed and twisted all around them on the dance floor. Maybe they were new. Or maybe it was the beer. It could have been the beer. Beer always made the world seem swirly; that was part of why he liked it.
Or maybe, he thought, it was Kurt.
Blaine tipped his head against Kurt's, his body held securely in Kurt's arms as Kurt led him through the slow song, and smiled to himself. It was probably Kurt. Kurt, who had been dancing with him all night. Kurt, who had been sparkling and gorgeous and hot and sweet and subtly flirty and not at all remote. Kurt, who hadn't looked away or over his head even once but who had been focused on him.
Kurt, who was going to go home with him at the end of the night and take him into his bed and do wonderful things with him, not because he'd gotten his fill of chasing others but because he never seemed to get his fill of being with Blaine.
Kurt, who, no matter how busy he was becoming, also kept getting better and better the more Blaine knew of him.
Blaine looked up at him again, at the clear affection in Kurt's eyes, at the sureness of his smile.
Yes, Blaine thought happily as Kurt spun him in a slow circle, it wasn't the lights that were making everything shine like magic. It was Kurt.
"We should do this every night," he murmured against Kurt's ear. It didn't matter that Kurt wasn't going to kiss him here in the middle of this wonderful moment. "I want to do this every night."
Kurt let out a soft laugh, his breath ruffling Blaine's hair and his hand flexing on Blaine's back, and spun him deeper into the dance.
20. Fight
At Kurt's familiar rap on his dorm room door only six minutes later than he'd said he would arrive, Blaine shoved the rest of his socks into his drawer, unmatched, and hurried to let Kurt in, a smile automatically rising onto his face. They'd had to skip their almost weekly Sunday morning brunch because Kurt had had an extra Brigadoon dance rehearsal, and they both had to spend the afternoon studying, but at least they could be together for the rest of the day. In Blaine's room. With a door that shut. While Rob was out until at least eight that night.
So maybe Blaine was hoping that they would get to do a little more than studying, because their time was limited and precious right now, but mostly he was just happy that they would get to spend the time together somewhere more comfortable than a coffee shop or the library.
"Hi," Kurt said, bustling inside as soon as Blaine had the door open. He leaned in and brushed a short kiss against the edge of Blaine's mouth before heading for his bed and setting down his two bulging bags and pulling off his long scarf. "I am very glad to be here."
"I'm glad you're here, too," Blaine said, holding out his hand to take Kurt's coat.
"I think that was the longest rehearsal of my life," Kurt said with a harried air. He gave his coat to Blaine with a smile and set his scarf on top of it. "The steps are just not that complicated, and yet Ian cannot get them to save his life. I can't believe how much time we had to waste on it."
Blaine hung Kurt's coat on one of the hooks in his closet, carefully smoothing the sleeves so that they wouldn't wrinkle. "I'm sorry."
Kurt shook his head. "I wouldn't care that much - I mean, I danced with Finn for years - but I have to write up this précis for my seminar for tomorrow, and I haven't even had time to finish reading the article, nevertheless start writing about it, and with Amanda having mono now I just don't have any time to waste on - "
"Wait, Amanda has mono?" Blaine interrupted.
"Haven't you checked your e-mail? She sent something an hour ago. I got it on my way over."
Blaine shook his head and picked up his phone; he'd been busy cleaning since he got back from brunch, putting away his clean laundry from last night's two am load, recycling Rob's tower of cans that always made Kurt worry there were bugs in the room, and putting new sheets on the bed in case he could get Kurt to take advantage of Rob's absence, although with the way Kurt was pulling books, papers, and his laptop out of his bag and spreading them across the tidy comforter the possibility of anything of the sort was looking a lot less likely than Blaine had hoped.
"What are we going to do?" Blaine asked, scanning the brief e-mail Amanda had sent apologizing that she had to pull out of the Review. She was a featured singer in two parts of the show, plus backing in others. It was no small loss, no small problem.
"I don't know," Kurt said, putting his dance bag on the floor and sitting down in the spot it had taken on the edge of the bed. He leaned back over his books. "I can't worry about it right now. Well, I can and am, obviously, but Tina is out of contact today at that anthro thing, and I should probably come up with a good bribe before I beg her to take the part, since she has the best chance of stepping into both the role and the dress I made for the first act closing solo."
Blaine stepped forward toward him, wishing Kurt would slow down from whatever he was doing enough to look at him more than with glances through the conversation. This was a big problem, and they should have been working on it together instead of Kurt's mind spinning away on its own as it so often did. "But she doesn't want to perform."
Kurt shot him yet another unsatisfyingly short look. "Hence the bribe." He pulled his laptop onto his lap and opened it.
"Maybe we should come up with other options," Blaine said. "You've had some reservations about that number since we - "
"I can't ask anyone to prepare something new on top of what we're already doing. We're two weeks out; there isn't time. It's nearing finals. Everybody is swamped." Kurt typed a few things and nodded to himself. "And I was right; there's absolutely no budget here for a new wardrobe or set, not with the extra materials Ang just had to buy for that drop that was damaged. It will be hard enough rearranging some of the songs without Amanda's voice, and there just isn't time for something new. Tina has enough experience putting together routines at the last minute from New Directions, and she doesn't already have a rehearsal schedule to work around, so I think she's our best option."
We both have show choir experience, too, Blaine thought to himself, but he knew better than to try to get Kurt to stop and listen when he was in that sort of mood. Kurt wasn't ready to think about it; he just wanted to solve it and move on. Once he wasn't feeling so overloaded and had finished some of the projects he had with looming deadlines, he would be more willing to look at other options.
Then again, given how adamant he had been about not singing with Blaine in the Review, maybe he wouldn't be.
Blaine pushed aside the twinge of bitterness about that, reminded himself that he completely understood Kurt's reasons for not wanting to display their relationship to others that way, even now that they were settling into it a little, and asked, "Would you like something to drink?"
"Something diet with as much caffeine as possible would be wonderful," Kurt said with a smile, and he moved his things around on Blaine's bed so that he could prop himself up across it with his back against the wall.
Blaine fetched a can of diet soda from the mini-fridge and handed it to Kurt, who took a long drink before setting it on the edge of Blaine's desk. "Thank you. Maybe now I can keep my eyes open through the rest of this article," Kurt said, stretching his long arms up over his head in a very distracting way, though he didn't seem to be much in the mood to be distracted. It was all right. Blaine had his own pile of work to do, anyway. At least they were together.
Sitting down in his desk chair and pulling out his own work - an econ problem set and a poli sci response paper - Blaine said, "That bad?"
"I never knew that Molière could be so entertaining and reading about Molière could be so incredibly dull," Kurt said. "Promise you'll nudge me if I start to doze off?"
Blaine grinned over at him and said, "Only if you promise to do the same for me."
Kurt's eyes warmed, and he smiled a little in that fond way he had that always made Blaine wonder if Kurt was humoring him. "But you're so cute when you snore."
"You don't say that in the middle of the night," Blaine reminded him. His heart had to lift at the compliment and the thought that Kurt liked sleeping with him. It wasn't usually that convenient to share a bed, especially now that they were being pulled in so many directions at the end of the semester, but it was one of Blaine's favorite things, being able to snuggle up close all night and wake up with him in the morning. Despite how cramped the space was, he always slept best curled around Kurt.
"Mmm," Kurt replied, a noncommittal sound, and he leaned forward to dig in his bag again. "That's because you're usually snoring right in my - oh." He pulled out a manila folder with a drawing of the sun on it and flipped it open with a frown.
"Everything okay?" Blaine asked.
Kurt shook his head. "It's fine. I have Christa's prop file, but I can give it back to her at dinner tomorrow." He set it aside and pulled out his laptop cord. "Would you mind?" he asked, offering one end to Blaine.
Blaine took it automatically, but as he bent down to plug it into an open outlet by his desk he asked in some confusion, "Christa's coming to dinner tomorrow?"
"Yes, she and I need to re-work the staging of that second act monstrosity, and we thought it would go a little a little better over food. She's bringing pizza from the Union; I'm getting those brownies she likes from Warren." Kurt looked up as Blaine slotted the plug into place and the light on his laptop turned on, and he said, "Thank you, that will - " He stopped when he took in Blaine's expression. "Is something wrong?"
Blaine breathed in through his nose and tried not to get worked up over something so small. "I thought we were having dinner tomorrow." It was Monday, after all, and they'd had dinner together alone every Monday since they'd started dating. It was their night. It was one of the best meals of the week, really, because although they ate together a lot there were usually other people around, by accident or by design, but Mondays they met up at the fine arts café after Kurt's last class and had dinner only the two of them.
Just apparently not this week.
"We were?" Briskly efficient, Kurt pulled his phone out of his pocket, tapped the screen a few times, and frowned at it. "You're not in my calendar. Did I forget to put it in there? If I make it through the rest of this semester without forgetting a final or a deadline, it is going to be a lucky thing…"
"No," Blaine said, because he didn't want Kurt to be blaming himself for something he didn't do. "I don't think we'd said anything official. I just assumed…"
"Okay," Kurt said, his shoulders dropping in relief. "So I'm not losing my mind."
"I don't think so." Blaine adjusted his books on his desk, squaring them against the corner and working very hard not to be disappointed about the change in plans. It wasn't even a change, he reminded himself; he'd just been wrong.
Kurt set his phone on Blaine's bed. "That's good," he said, opening his laptop once more. "Because I really have enough to do without worrying about early onset dementia, too."
"So," Blaine said, taking a breath and trying to make the best of the situation, because if they hadn't made official plans then he couldn't just expect Kurt to have the same ideas about what he'd thought was tradition, "maybe another night? For dinner?"
"Oh. I'd like that." Kurt reached for his phone again and turned it back on. "Let's see. Tuesday I'm in the costume shop with Tina finishing up our sewing for the Review. Wednesday I'm working, but I could meet you a little after eight."
Looking at his own calendar, Blaine shook his head. "Julie organized dinner and the free mid-week movie. It's Casablanca. A bunch of us are going as a study break." And he'd agreed to go because he knew Kurt was working, and they were supposed to be having dinner on Monday. His foot began to bounce in frustration where it was hooked on the rung of his chair.
"Thursday I have back-to-back rehearsals for the play and the Review," Kurt said.
"And I have a study group, anyway," Blaine said, flipping to the next day as his heart sank further and further toward the floor. "And Friday is Wes's performance."
"Mmm." Kurt looked over at him. "I was thinking of wearing my new jacket if the weather is cool enough. You know, the one we got at that sample sale the other week?"
Blaine's mouth went a little dry at the memory of Kurt stepping out of the makeshift changing room in that gorgeous charcoal grey jacket with the subtle shimmer of embroidery at the lapels. It had set off his waist and shoulders so beautifully, and Blaine had had to work very hard not to run his hands all over them. "I like you in that jacket," he said.
Kurt smiled at him, his eyes going bright, pleased, and a touch flirty. "I know."
Clearing his throat and pulling himself back from that memory, because they were in the middle of something important - even if Kurt liking Blaine liking what he was wearing was kind of important, too - Blaine said, "So not Friday. Saturday?"
"That's our first tech run-through," Kurt reminded him.
"Oh, that's right." Blaine sighed, squared his jaw, and flipped to Sunday, a week from that day. "Sunday?" he asked in some frustration.
"Rachel already sent out invitations for brunch. That night, I have rehearsal until seven, but I'm free after that." Kurt tilted his head, hopeful.
"That's - " Blaine saw a note on his calendar and shook his head. "I have another study group for my econ final starting at eight." He put his phone down on the desk. "Look, why don't you come to Casablanca on Wednesday with us? You can meet up with us at the Odeum after work, and we can sneak you in a slice of pizza or something if you don't want to fill up on popcorn for dinner. We'll probably all go for coffee after, too."
"I don't think so," Kurt said with a dismissive laugh, like it was the most ridiculous idea in the world. "But if you want you can come sit with us on Tuesday. Tina won't mind the company."
Blaine contemplated being stuck in the cavernous prop and costume shop for hours while the two of them sewed. He'd hung out in there with Kurt at work before, but it was neither comfortable nor intimate, and much of the point of having a dedicated night with Kurt was for it to be something special for the two of them to do together. At least at the movies they could hold hands, maybe share a chair if the coffee shop was crowded. In the costume room, Kurt would just be working, and Blaine couldn't even help with it.
"Come on, you love Casablanca," Blaine said.
"I love Ingrid Bergman," Kurt corrected, "and I thought the point of this whole thing was for us to be able to spend time together."
Blaine lifted his chin, trying not to bristle too much. He needed to stay calm. "Which we would be doing at the movie and after."
"I have a lot of things I need to spend time on this week, Blaine," Kurt said more sharply. "The Review, the play, work, homework - "
"I was just trying to spend some time with you," Blaine reminded him, flexing his hands in his lap.
"And I'd like to spend time with you, too," Kurt shot back, "but even on a good week the last thing I want to do is spend a few hours not being able to talk to you because your friends are around, and with everything I have to do this is far from a good week."
"But you can talk to me with Tina there?" Blaine asked, his voice going a little harder. "Because that was your other offer."
"More than I can with them. And she's at least your friend, too."
"My friends are your friends," Blaine said.
Kurt crossed his legs at the ankle and dropped his phone back to the bed. "No, they aren't."
"They could be," Blaine said, his skin prickling at how quickly Kurt scorned the idea.
Kurt laughed again, the sound lodging a chill in Blaine's heart. Sebastian hadn't liked his friends, either, even though they were fellow Warblers, and though Blaine knew Kurt wasn't Sebastian, the ground suddenly felt unsteady beneath his feet.
"Blaine, they're your friends. You have things in common with them. I don't. It's not a problem, but I don't."
"You have things in common with me," Blaine reminded him, and if he did with his friends then Kurt must, too.
"Yes, and that's why I want to spend time with you," Kurt replied, his fingers tapping in frustration on his thigh. "But I have so much to get done, and I'm the only one who can do it, you know that. Sitting in a movie theater through a movie I've seen a half-dozen times and going for coffee when I'll be lucky if you and I get to say more than two words to each other the whole night without someone interrupting to invite us to an 'awesome room party' that I don't want to go to or trying to take an incriminating picture to put on Facebook every time I as much as smile at you is not a good use of my waking hours."
Blaine couldn't stop his jaw from tensing and relaxing as he looked down at his desk, upset and kind of angry. He knew Kurt was overloaded. He knew Kurt was used to doing everything on his own and had very high standards for it. He knew Kurt wasn't so much rejecting what Blaine wanted to do as trying to prioritize his time.
And yet it still stung, it still hurt, actually, because Kurt didn't have to like his friends, but Kurt was supposed to like him, and that meant blocking out time in his week for the two of them and doing things he might not want to do as his first choice or even his fifth because he got to do them with Blaine. Because Blaine was supposed to be his boyfriend, not an afterthought, not someone he fit in around the rest of his life. He was supposed to be central in his life. Wasn't he?
Blaine knew the right thing to do was to let it go. Kurt wasn't being malicious; he was being his busy, closed-off, all-business self, the way he'd always been when he wasn't focused on Blaine or his closest friends, and as soon as the play and the Review were past and he had a handle on finals he'd be in a better and more generous place. Blaine knew it would be best just to drop it and take what he could get.
Except it wouldn't be best for him, because he'd learned to keep his feelings to himself with Sebastian, and he knew just how bad it could be to take what he could get. He didn't want that in general, and he didn't want it especially with Kurt. He didn't want things between them to be good enough; he wanted them to be amazing.
He wanted them, first and foremost, to be honest, because he thought they had something amazingly special, and it wasn't going to be special if they weren't okay. He was pretty sure Kurt felt the same way.
So he trusted in that knowledge, let himself be hurt, drew a slow breath, and said to Kurt in a way he knew he probably wouldn't have with anyone else, "I'm sorry, I thought spending time with me when there's no other opportunity for a week would be a good use of your waking hours."
Kurt's eyes narrowed, and he replied coolly, "I will see you throughout the week, or are you planning on skipping out on the Review meetings and rehearsals, our breakfast with Tina and Angelica on Thursday, or Friday night out to see Wes?"
"I'm not skipping any of them," Blaine said, "but those are your things."
"I thought they were our things," Kurt said, drawing himself up on the bed. He was starting to go pale, his eyes hard, and Blaine knew he should back off before he said something that ruined everything, but he couldn't. He couldn't. There was too much he'd been holding inside, and he needed to be able to tell Kurt about it.
"They're still your things first. Your friends. Your plans."
"And who was it who went to school with Wes? I'm pretty sure you were the one who wore that ridiculous blazer." Kurt's tone was icy, casual but dangerous.
"And who are we meeting there?" Blaine replied, not flinching. "Rachel. Mike. Tina. Ethan."
"I didn't realize you were keeping all of them so divided," Kurt said. "Mine and yours, his and his. So easy to separate." He huffed out a humorless laugh and looked across the room for a moment. "I thought you actually liked them, since you were close to them long before you and I were even speaking in a civil tone."
"I do like them," Blaine said. His heart clenched at the word 'separate', but the heat of his anger was rising. "You know I do, they're great, but you don't feel the same way about my friends. You're the one keeping them separate."
"Pardon me if I'm not exactly thrilled about spending time with the people who led you into a life of drunken debauchery," Kurt drawled.
Blaine shot out of his chair, pacing away from Kurt sitting so rigidly on his bed, because he needed to move, needed to breathe, needed not to feel like he was being accused of things that just were not true. "They didn't do that. I did. I'm the one who chose to do what I did, and I was stupid, but I made some awesome friends when I did it."
"Oh, yes," Kurt scoffed, cool and distant as a statue. "And how many of them have tried to tempt you into falling back into that habit? They do it when I'm right there, handing you another beer, inviting you out to club crawls and room parties."
"And I say no," Blaine reminded him, his voice rising, "or I say yes, and I don't do anything. I thought you trusted me."
"I do," Kurt was quick to say, still angry but honest enough that Blaine could let that accusation go. "But I don't have to like them, and I don't have to like how they look at me, like I'm a wet blanket keeping you from having fun with them because you're focused on me."
"I like being focused on you. And why do you care what they think of you?" Blaine threw up his hands. "Kurt, why do you care at all?"
Kurt tipped his head, his expression hard. "Because they're your friends, Blaine. Obviously I care."
"But - " It was on the tip of Blaine's tongue that Kurt didn't care what anyone thought of him, that he went through his life with his head held high and his clothes utterly perfect no matter how anyone stared or judged, but he realized that wasn't true. Kurt might not let people stop him, but he cared quite a lot. And, in fact, he did let people stop him sometimes when it came to his heart.
Blaine sucked in a sharp breath through his nose as his own heart, so free and open to Kurt, felt less important than ever. "I would really like," he bit out, "if you can ever get yourself there, for you to think about me before other people."
Kurt's chin rose. "I do think of you," he told him, matching his tone.
"If you did, you wouldn't care that there would be people around judging or not. You'd just care about being with me, Kurt. You wouldn't care if people took a picture of us kissing, because you'd want to be kissing me. You wouldn't care if people made stupid comments if we sang together because you'd want to be singing with me." Blaine paced away and turned back sharply; Kurt was staring at him, his eyes wide and hurt and upset.
"Blaine - " he started.
"No. I know you've been through a lot, and so have I. I understand. I do." Blaine took a quick breath, trying to stay calm, but the words spilled out anyway, beyond his control. "But it shouldn't be too much for me to give you a kiss even if Julie catcalls and Meg takes a picture. It shouldn't be too much to hold hands at Wes's concert even if Rachel makes smug faces at you." His voice grew wetter, shakier, much to his dismay. "And it really, really shouldn't be too much for me to want to sing with you at karaoke or at the Review. I know you think it is, I know why you do, and I want to respect it, but it isn't too much. It doesn't have to be." He held his crossed arms over his aching chest, watched Kurt take that all in, and waited for Kurt to blow up. A part of him knew this could end everything between them, him pushing, but the rest of him knew Kurt well enough to be sure he wouldn't just walk out on him before they'd talked it out. Blaine could tell him, and Kurt would at least try to listen, even if there was no solution.
Kurt stared at him for a long moment, seemingly frozen, and then his jaw worked, his eyes softened just a hair, and he said more quietly, "Is that what this is all about? You still want to sing with me at the Review?"
Blaine didn't know how to answer and didn't trust his voice, so he just shrugged, because it wasn't just that, but it kept coming up again and again, the idea of singing with Kurt, singing something wonderful and real with him, just getting to be real with him.
He just wanted to be real, all of the time, no holding back. Kurt might not want to, he might never want to, but Blaine did.
"I didn't realize that was so important to you," Kurt said, his whole body still tight.
"It's not so important, not if it's not right for the show, but…" Blaine trailed off, the anger fading back into hurt and leaving him feeling weak again, powerless in the face of whatever Kurt would give him. He knew Kurt cared, he knew whatever he gave him would be good, even if it wasn't everything he wanted.
Kurt watched him. "But what?"
Blaine shrugged again and knew he had to give more of an answer than that. "But I'd like it to be an option," he said.
Kurt folded his hands neatly in his lap and stared at them for a long minute. He seemed so still and withdrawn that Blaine had no idea how to reach him, no matter that he was only feet away. He was as untouchable as a picture, as foreign as a stranger.
Then Kurt's shoulders fell, his posture slumped, and he looked up and said with quiet determination, his Kurt once more, "It's not too much for you to ask. Any of that."
Blaine's breath came out in a rush - he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding it - and he walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge next to Kurt's long legs. That response wasn't at all what he'd expected; he'd seen Kurt fight like a cat cornered over far smaller issues: hard, loud, and long. He thought he'd get every fault of his own thrown back at him. He thought he'd be met with derision and denial. He didn't expect Kurt to agree. "I don't want to push you if you aren't - " he began.
"No one pushes me, Blaine," Kurt said with a faint smile. "Not even you. But you're right. I don't think I'll ever be too fond of PDA, but I'm very fond of you." His smile turned helpless and a little sad. "You're more important."
"Kurt - " Blaine reached out and put his hand on Kurt's shin, because he liked the words if not the look on Kurt's face.
"I can't promise I'm ever going to love your friends, either," Kurt continued, "although Meg has potential."
Blaine squeezed his leg, warm through his jeans. "Kurt - "
Leaning his head back against the wall, Kurt breathed in through his nose and kept going, "But we will talk about the Review. About the act one finale." He looked straight into Blaine's eyes, unwavering. "We can be an option. If you'd like."
Swallowing back the lump in his throat, because he was so turned around he didn't know how to feel but he was pretty sure it was supposed to be good, Blaine said, "I'd like that."
"I'm not saying it will be sappy," Kurt warned.
"It doesn't have to be," Blaine told him. "Kurt, you don't have to do anything - "
Kurt reached out and put his hand over Blaine's, stopping him. "You've been holding this in for a while," he said seriously, not a question but still with the expectation of an answer.
"Yes," Blaine said roughly, jerking his head in a nod. "I guess so."
Kurt squeezed his fingers around Blaine's and looked straight into his eyes; the beautiful blue-green of his own was arresting, mesmerizing. "Please don't hold things in with me."
"I wasn't trying to lie to you or hide - " Blaine was quick to assure him.
"I know," Kurt cut him off in reply. "But…" His eyes shifted away again, uncertain and tired, just for a second, then snapped back to Blaine's. "I don't want you to be holding back, Blaine. Not the good or the bad. I want this to work."
Blaine turned his hand over and threaded his fingers through Kurt's, feeling a curl of panic at whatever the undercurrent was beneath Kurt's words. "I want it to work, too. I'm not unhappy. I don't want you to think I have this list of complaints I'm going to pull out."
"I know," Kurt said, like he did, but he still seemed sad or worried or something Blaine didn't understand. After a moment, he said so softly, "I just want you to be able to talk to me."
"I can," Blaine said with a frown.
"But you didn't. Not about this. And obviously it's important to you, all of these things I'm not doing." The line of Kurt's mouth twisted like he was tasting something bitter.
"It's okay, Kurt," Blaine told him. "I didn't really think about it. I knew how you felt about them, so I just… dealt with it. Until today, I guess."
"And you thought I wanted you to 'deal with it'?" Kurt asked, watching him so very carefully.
Blaine couldn't answer, because clearly he had, it had been the obvious thing to do, but when Kurt said it that way, so quietly with that same unhappy undertone Blaine couldn't identify, it just felt wrong. It felt like he'd taken a very bad turn somewhere.
Kurt shook his head a little, looking away like he was hurt or maybe even disappointed. "I'm not Sebastian, Blaine." The words and the look went straight into Blaine's chest like a dagger.
"I know that," Blaine insisted. He was shocked by the mere suggestion. Of course Kurt wasn't Sebastian. Kurt made him happy. Kurt made him feel safe and wanted, and when he didn't, it wasn't on a whim but because he had a very good personal reason for it. He needed to know Blaine understood.
"If you did, if you really saw that, you'd know you could tell me anything," Kurt told him, focusing back on him. "I want that. I know it's the silly romantic in me, but I want us to be totally honest and open with each other. I want to share everything."
"I want that, too," Blaine said, but Kurt just shook his head again.
"I know he was bad for you, and I know you don't want to talk about him, but I thought that was because you were doing something different with me. That you knew I was different." Kurt's voice dropped to a harsh whisper through his last words.
"I do." Blaine squeezed his hand and leaned toward him. "Kurt, you're nothing like him. And I don't want to talk about him because he's in the past. I might make mistakes sometimes because this is new to me, too, and I'm sorry, but he doesn't matter now. What matters is us."
Kurt searched his face for what felt like forever, and then his shoulders dropped again, and he nodded in what might have been understanding but maybe was resignation. "You don't need to apologize," he said, forcing out a smile, but he still looked off.
Blaine couldn't read him and didn't know what it meant at all. He wasn't sure if Kurt was all right, if they were all right. He wasn't sure if he'd been wrong to say anything, even though Kurt had agreed with him.
And then he remembered that it was supposed to go both ways between them. He could just ask.
"Why are you upset?" he said.
Kurt shook his head a little. "I'm fine."
"Kurt," Blaine said pointedly.
Breathing out, Kurt said, "I'm just not as good at this as I thought I was."
"At what?"
"This." Kurt tugged on Blaine's hand, and the look on his face was definitely sad. His voice was soft and low, his shoulders slumped when they should have been straight and proud. "Relationships. I'd always thought I'd be a natural, given how much I dreamed about romance and partnership for so long, but… obviously I'm not."
"Kurt." A chilly tendril of dismay running up his spine, Blaine twisted so that he was kneeling facing him on his mattress. "You are great at this."
"Please don't," Kurt asked him, looking up into his eyes. "It's okay."
"I'm happy, Kurt," Blaine said, helpless, because if Kurt wasn't going to let him tell him how amazing he was he didn't know what to do to make him feel better. This wasn't supposed to make either of them feel bad. That was the point. "With you, with us. I'm happy."
"I want you to be, but you don't have to be." Kurt squared his back against the wall, getting an air of determination once more, like this was another burden to take on. "Thank you for talking with me. I have things to learn. Things to remember."
"I want you to be happy, too," Blaine said. He wished he could catch Kurt's face and make him see, not just become another project in his life. He wished he could make Kurt understand just how amazing it was that he was listening and cared at all, that he gave him so much, and even when Blaine wanted something different it was still so good between them.
Kurt ran his thumb in a gentle stroke across Blaine's hand where he held it. "I am. But that's the problem, because I'm happy, and I assume you are, too."
"I just said I am," Blaine reminded him, a little desperate.
"And you also said that I was making you feel less important than you are, and you're right. It doesn't matter what I tell you here," Kurt said, gesturing around Blaine's room, "if what you want is for me to show it to you out there instead."
Blaine shook his head. "Not instead. Also, maybe, but not instead. And only sometimes. I don't want you to be someone you aren't."
"That's good," Kurt said with a tired, self-conscious laugh, "because I've never been any good at that."
"I'd hate it if you were." Blaine put his free hand on top of their linked ones and tried to find the right words to put the joy back into Kurt's eyes. "I don't want you to pretend with me, because I don't want to pretend with you."
"That's the last thing I want," Kurt said softly, looking right into him in a way that made Blaine want to shiver.
"I know. That's part of why I am so crazy about you. Because you're crazy about me. All of me." It was slightly terrifying to say, even though he was sure it was true, because he just couldn't know if Kurt's feelings felt as big and certain as his own did, this intense affection for him that threatened to make his chest burst sometimes. It was so big, so much more than he'd ever felt for anyone, and he didn't want to get ahead of himself with how right it felt.
"I am," Kurt said, smiling a little wistfully as he reached up to touch Blaine's cheek. "I really am."
Blaine leaned into the touch, the itchy worry making his skin crawl soothing in an instant. If Kurt was reaching out to him again, maybe it was okay after all.
"I'm sorry that I've made you doubt that," Kurt said, turning a bit on the bed so that he was tilted more toward Blaine.
Blaine reached up and gently took Kurt's hand, turning his face to press on its knuckles. "We're just different. We don't want exactly the same things all of the time." With Sebastian, that had been a problem, and Blaine had worked hard to keep in line with what his boyfriend thought was right for them, but it was freeing not to have to fall into the same pattern with Kurt, even though he knew Kurt would always have a strong plan or idea of his own. If he was upset that Blaine hadn't spoken up sooner, Kurt clearly wanted to listen. "And I like that." He kissed Kurt's hand again.
Kurt's eyelids fluttered in that lovely way they did when he was particularly taken by Blaine's touch. "I do, too. Even when your ideas are personally inconvenient."
Blaine flinched, because he wanted the singing to be wonderful and not a bother, but Kurt, watching him, added, "I meant Casablanca, because I wish I were exaggerating about the thousand hours of work I have to get done this week, and I might have to pull an all-nighter if I go to the movie with you."
"Don't go," Blaine said, laying his hand on Kurt's knee. "It's all right. We can find another time, or I'll come stay with you one night, if you want."
Kurt laughed, a knowing chuckle that made the hair on Blaine's arms stand on end. "I thought all of this was about you wanting me to be more open in public."
"I do, but I'm not going to turn down time alone in private." Blaine could feel himself flushing, but he was also smiling, because that warm light in Kurt's eyes was always welcome.
Kurt's smile grew, then faded again, and he held out his hand for him. "Come here?" he asked.
Without question or delay, Blaine did, settling into his embrace and pulling him close. Kurt's arms were warm and sure around him, his body reassuringly familiar against his, and his face pressed against Blaine's shoulder. Blaine breathed in a little shakily, but by the time he exhaled he was already feeling almost normal, more grounded and secure.
"I'm sorry about arguing," Blaine murmured. "I want to take away from your stress, not add to it."
"I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry I didn't understand." Kurt's muffled reply was accompanied by a small squeeze. "But come up with a list of songs if you're going to make me redo the whole number instead of squeezing Tina into that dress and calling it a day?"
"I can do that," Blaine promised. He could feel Kurt's cheek tighten into a smile.
"Thank you." Kurt held him for a moment more, then pulled away and took a deep breath. He said with some small measure of pride, "We survived our first fight."
"I know," Blaine replied, and if he couldn't be happy about the tension between them, at least he'd come out of it with his heart and self-esteem intact instead of them being shredded like they'd been by Sebastian. It was okay.
He'd been absolutely right to trust Kurt to listen, if not always agree. It only made the feelings in his heart feel larger.
"Although I have to say I'm a little disappointed," Kurt said with a tiny gleam in his eye.
"Oh?"
Kurt crossed his legs and smoothed out his pants. "I've been assured by countless Hollywood rom-coms and TV dramas that fights between couples are supposed to include yelling, slamming doors, and throwing things. Needless vengeance on inanimate objects is optional but welcome. We didn't do any of that. I'm feeling let down."
Blaine smiled at him, just ridiculously fond of everything about him, including his quirky, warm sense of humor that soothed the raw edges of his feelings in just the right way. "We're still learning. Maybe it's something we can try to remember for next time?"
"There's always room to learn," Kurt agreed, and he fiddled with his notebook like he was going to start working before he leaned forward, reached out his hand to curl it over Blaine's shoulder, met his eyes for a moment like he was testing the waters, and gave him a short, soft kiss. Then he pulled away almost shyly and picked up his laptop.
His pulse pounding around the lump in his throat from that simple gesture of connection, full of gratitude for every bit of Kurt's heart that was his, it took Blaine a moment before he could pull himself together to get up and go back to his desk.
As he sat, he caught Kurt glancing over at him, and at least Blaine got to start his homework with a smile on his lips.
Onto 5b.