2011: My Fic Year in Review, part one
I don't as a rule do memes, and I don't as a rule talk about my fic unless specifically asked (or in response to someone commenting to me about it). However, stoney321 asked me to talk about my fic in a year-end meme sort of thing... and I am apparently helpless to resist her.
So.
2011 was a very productive year for me fic-wise. According to the AO3, I wrote forty-two fics and 183,855 words. That doesn't count the words I've co-written with wesleysgirl on our reality_bends fic, the words I've written but not published on my various WiPs still -iP, and the countless words I've thrown out or otherwise rewritten over the course of getting those 183,855 words published. I could have written more (and better), but given that I have a small child, have limited free time, didn't start seriously writing fic this year 'til April, and have had a dry few years in terms of writing overall (thanks to said small child), I'm pleased with my output, at least quantitatively.
(I am very tough on my writing qualitatively, but I'm going to try to hold back as much as I can because if you read my fic you must like it, if you don't see huge problems with it I don't want to point them out, and my disgust with my own work knows no bounds and could keep us here for days, which none of us wants. :) Just pretend I think I'm great!)
This year I wrote in three fandoms: Buffy-Angel, Hawaii: Five-O, and Glee, and I published fic in the second two: four H50 and thirty-eight Glee, two of which were 100-word drabbles.
Chronologically:
Steve the Survivor Meets his Fans - My first H50 fic. This was the first fic I finished this year after a few years of barely writing after the arrival of my son, and it was a joy to write largely because it was a cracky AU idea (Steve from H50 is the star of a survival show, and Danny is his long-suffering producer) that let me play with their voices for fun. I love banter. This fic is pretty much all banter. I love crazy AU ideas, though I rarely write them. This fic is also that. It gave me permission to play without the stress of canon, plot, or anything complicated. In that regard, it was just the right fic to start with. Also, I'd been toying with writing more Sports Night fic, and this gave me some of the taste of how I write SN fic (banter banter banter!) in a shiny new fandom.
I don't have much else to say about this fic other than that I still like this bit in terms of Danny's voice:
“I am nowhere near finished.” He stabbed the up button for the elevator seven times before ticking off his next point. “Two, because we are in said resort hotel, if heat exhaustion were imminent, instead of trying to find a cool spot in the shady side of a sand dune the real decision for survival is to choose between the air conditioned lobby and the pool. Actually, there are several pools. Of different temperatures. Some, according to the expert eyes of one Miss Grace Williams, have slides.”
It's the "seven times" and the "one Miss Grace Williams" that does it for me.
"Caught in the Rain" - My first Glee fic. I had no idea what was ahead for me! "Original Song" turned me from a rabid Kurt fan into a rabid Kurt/Blaine fan (I liked them as friends with potential before but didn't require them to be together - that changed), and when the visual of Blaine pulling Kurt across the grass toward a bandstand in the rain struck me it didn't let go. So I wrote it. It twisted around a few times in my head before it became this fic, as stories often do. It's a hard fic for me to re-read, because there are quite a few lines that I think aren't right in terms of their voices; the sentiments are okay, and I still like the concept of it, but the wording is wrong.
This fic is, however, the start of my running theme of the conflict of Kurt being a Fred Astaire fan and Blaine being a Gene Kelly fan. I am really fond of that bit of personal headcanon, and it pops back up when I least expect it. :) It's also when I first started thinking about Kurt and Blaine in Say Anything... and wanting to write that AU.
"Talking" - I was supposed to complete my new fandom fic trifecta by writing a (still unwritten) Sherlock BBC story, but instead out came H50 banter plus smut! I had tons of fun writing the fic, not for the smut but for the banter around the smut and how the two parts interacted with and diverted each other. It makes me laugh, and I still love this paragraph:
“I mean, seriously, look at you. You put me in that position and I’d have to go into traction for a week to be able to stand up straight again, but you - “ Danny pushed in harder and lost his train of thought for a moment as the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and did a little dance at how good Steve felt beneath him and around him. His voice was significantly more hoarse when he resumed talking. “ - you, you give a contortionist a run for his money and then take up, I don’t know, recreational acrobatic skydiving for fun five minutes later.”
Danny is ridiculously fun to write, even in prose around his speech. At this point, I was fairly certain I'd be writing mostly H50.
This is also apparently the start of me being drawn to single-word titles this year.
"Chill" - A 100-word drabble based on the visual of Blaine standing outside leaning against a lamppost in the snow. I should have written it as a ficlet, but I didn't think I could keep it short if I did, didn't have the time to write something longer, and was desperate to get the idea out of my head onto the page. Also, I used to adore the discipline of writing 100-word drabbles; they're like puzzles to me and are very satisfying... except this should have been a ficlet. I have no excuse but fear that if I didn't finish it in one sitting I never would.
"Definitions" - Another single-word title and the first proper episode tag I'd write for Glee. If I'd only known how many tags I'd end up writing! I was kind of frustrated, as many of us were, by the lack of Kurt/Blaine in "A Night of Neglect", and I wanted to explore them a little more. This is part of why I write every episode tag and indeed every fic with these two; I want to explore them more. In this case, I wanted to address them going on a date and how their relationship had changed from being friends. I wanted them to acknowledge it to themselves and each other. I wanted to see that. Now I'd write a longer fic about it, but at this point I wasn't sure my renewed ability to write wasn't going to slip away again if I got yet another bad night's sleep, so I had to scribble things in a quick hour or two around my museling duties.
This I can still hear in my head:
“Oh?” Kurt asked with a laugh. “Which part was your favorite? Was it the unimaginative heckling or the simmering threat of violence?”
"Princess Grace" - I watched the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton with delight and got to thinking about Danny watching it with Grace while wearing a tiara. As one does. During the course of writing this story, I got to research the time difference between the UK and Hawaii, which was fun if difficult on a sleep-deprived brain. This is also the fic where I figured out that I don't know the line between pre-slash and slash with Danny and Steve in H50 season one, because everything to me between them is slash, even if they're not actively kissing.
Another line that still makes me grin:
“It is eleven o’clock at night, eleven o’clock at night on a day during which I have been shot at twice, chased down an alley by thugs in fast cars, and hit on the head with a very large fish. Unless it is an issue of national security, I do not want to talk about the case. Even if it is an issue of national security, I do not want to talk about it. I especially do not want to talk about the fish.”
Oh, Danny Williams. How are you so awesome to write?
"Wedding Party" - A 100-word Glee reaction drabble to the royal wedding. This should have been a proper fic, only I didn't have the time that day and wanted to get the idea down. (As the year progressed, I stopped being so worried about not finishing stories if I was going to have to wait three or four days until I could write again, but at this point I was sure I would going to lose my mojo because I was so drained by parenting an active and very needy toddler.) About two-thirds of the proper, full-length fic I wanted to write is sitting in GDocs ready to be finished, only I feel like the moment has passed. But I really like the proper fic; it has some fun ensemble moments and a Kurt bit I adore. It may appear someday.
"Intermezzo with Caffeine" - Episode tag for 2x19 ("Rumors"), and my first fic where I put Kurt and Blaine in the Lima Bean! Although I could see it going in different ways, I was interested in the idea of Blaine not knowing about the whole Sam situation (because Kurt can keep a secret even from him), and I was taken by the thought of him coming into the LB in this fic with his polite-Blaine-facade on before dropping it. Also, I liked the idea of Kurt wanting Blaine to trust him without having to explain and Blaine being insecure about himself, an understanding of the character that has played out nicely in season 3 for me.
Anyway, I liked the concept of the moment of conflict between them, mild but telling about their own insecurities. It was a chance to challenge their sureness in each other, which appealed to me. I'd probably write something different now as an episode tag, dealing with the difficulty of the reality of Sam's situation.
"Once More, With Feeling" - An H50 fic about Glee (with a Buffy-referencing title). I can't even tell you how amused I am that I wrote this fic. I was trying to continue writing H50 fic (this was the last one of the year, probably my last one ever, ultimately because the show made some character decisions around Danny that made me break up with it altogether at the end of the first season), but my mind was all Glee Glee Glee. And then this popped into my head and off I went:
“Danny has a problem with musical theater,” Kono told Steve.
“What? I do not - “ Danny pulled at his hair in exasperation. “I’m not saying I want to go sit through Oklahoma! at the Diamond Head Theatre, but I see the value in the performing arts. Sometimes I even like them. That is not the problem here.”
“First off, nobody wants to sit through Oklahoma!,” Kono said. “And secondly, we’re in Hawai’i. If you’re going to pick a mildly offensive Rodgers and Hammerstein musical to make fun of, shouldn’t it at least be South Pacific?”
I really like this fic. I really, really do, and the thing I like about it is that the silly banter is actually about how hard it is for Danny to be a divorced parent who cares about his daughter, can't give her everything, and on some level fears losing her affection to her mother and step-father no matter what he does. That's very real to me for him in the show, and I admire him in canon for his dedication to his daughter. Only the characters talk very little about that here, because they're them, and I find their teasing to be adorable. And I got to research theaters on the big island, which was cool.
Yeah, I'm extremely fond of this fic.
And now it's all-Glee all the time!
"After the Last Dance" - Prom Queen reaction fic. Prom Queen gutted me. As much as I adored "Original Song" and "Born This Way" in season 2 of Glee, "Prom Queen" is the pivotal episode for me for the season. It has a lot of important character moments for Kurt and Blaine: Blaine's revelation of having been beaten up and Kurt willingness to do something other than prom with him because of it, Kurt's giddy joy at being able to go to prom with his boyfriend, him being willing to go to prom alone but being unwilling not to wear the kilt, Kurt's face when the Prom Queen is named, the whole hallway scene, the dance at the end, just... this episode is so pivotal to me for these boys. This fic was me dealing with the episode ending where it did, which was with none of the aftermath of the night.
I still like this story. I like Finn, I like how brittle Kurt is, I like how Blaine doesn't know what to do but tries anyway, I like how they are both sad but feel better for having each other, I even like the "I love you," which I NEVER thought would be jossed so soon or possibly ever (but I sure don't mind that it was). This to me is absolutely what happened after the episode.
For me, I think this fic was also a turning point in my own writing, where I started to realize that I wanted to explore Kurt and Blaine as real boys in Lima, OH. I didn't just want to write in their voices and add in a bit more for them here and there; I was starting to think about them as real people having real experiences and what that meant to them beyond the confines of the show. That's how I approach them now almost all of the time, and it starts here.
"Textures" - Single word title! This was an exercise in freewriting, in which I sat down and banged on the keyboard for a half hour because I was struggling with writing other fic that morning. Out came this fic, and then I did a quick skim edit to make sure I hadn't left out words or used the wrong ones and posted the damn thing. It is what it is. I think it captures something about love changing your perspective, but I could have done it better had it not been freewriting. :)
"Spotlight" - Single word title! Another fic dealing with Prom Queen! Be glad there isn't a drinking game associated with this post.
I almost always write fic because I'm thinking about a topic; I'll keep talking about this issue as I go on, but when there's either a problem in canon, a gap, or a character question that sits in the back of my mind I tend to chew on it until it gets answered in story form.
This fic sprang from two big issues and one smaller one for me: 1) As a Kurt-oriented fan, I wanted to explore what Kurt sees in Blaine now that they're together and Blaine's more or less a real boy and not just the shiny gay front-man in a blazer he started out being, 2) I wanted to think about my vision in this porn-filled fandom of what their first fumbling steps toward intimacy might actually be like (though even as I wrote this fic I didn't think they were going this far in canon, but I wanted to explore the possibility), and 3) I wanted to be able to touch on Kurt's wonderful teenage delight at getting to go to prom with his boyfriend, which we see in the first part of the episode.
The fic started in my mind with the visual of Kurt watching Blaine rehearse, and it all spun out from there, his thinking about performers, his wanting to be a part of things but not, his wanting to be alone with Blaine and have him for himself. I liked the newness of their relationship in this fic, including: Kurt cuts him off with a sharp shake of the head. “Nothing is wrong,” he tells him. “You were born to sing, and you are amazing, and you are mine, and I want to kiss you.” He swallows nervously, because some part of him still feels like he shouldn’t say that sort of thing, even now. That's my favorite line, because it encompasses Kurt's fire and his attraction to Blaine and the fact that having been told for so long he shouldn't have desires doesn't get erased just because he has Blaine. And I like that the sex, such as it is, is above the clothes, unplanned, and (willingly) one-sided, because it's all still so new, exciting, and terrifying for them both. They aren't porn stars; they're teenage boys with their first boyfriend. It's amazing and frightening for them to be able to touch and try things, because they're teenagers, because they're gay, because they're them and have had the experiences they've had. I talk about this a lot in my fic, too.
"Good Night, Sweet Prince" - Ah, the chocolate-covered espresso bean fic and also the start of me using famous quotations or bits of them for titles for a while. I had this idea driving home from my writing cafe the day I posted "Spotlight" and actually wrote it with the museling beside me on the couch after dinner, which I never do. The story sprang fully formed from my head, much like Athena, and started my fascination with Kurt and Blaine in the Dalton library. I also spent one summer in college bouncing off the walls while hyped on chocolate-covered espresso beans. Please eat in moderation.
I don't know if I'd write it quite this way again, but I do smile at this line: he was going to die here in the library because of this stupid seminar, and Kurt wasn’t even going to miss him. It would probably be on his tombstone: Here lies Blaine Anderson, whose boyfriend doesn’t miss him. We’d say he died too young, but nobody cares.
"A Truth Universally Acknowledged" - The Pride and Prejudice fic. The previous story got me to thinking about my own time with friends in the library in high school (I went to a co-ed Dalton), which led me to thinking about various books I'd read for class there. Then I had the visual of Kurt straightening Blaine's scarf and the idea of what Kurt's margin notes might be like... and voila.
At this point in the year I was still thinking of myself as a short, quippy fic writer, which is largely what I'd written in my eight years in fandom. So this fic and the previous one are in that same vein; I hadn't quite allowed myself to give into the luxury of writing the boys as real, despite wanting to.
"Between the Lines" - The "I love you"s in "New York" made me screech with delight, and I kind of flailed around for a while before I could calm down and think of fic. I was taken by the idea of what Kurt would have texted back to Blaine during his trip, and I decided to write the fic entirely outside of what we saw on screen. I don't, as a rule, like to write out lines from the show, so even though I wanted to incorporate things through the end of the episode I didn't want to show it. And thus a fic comprised of texts was born.
I wish very much I had any talent for drawing, because I can see each and every picture they sent each other. I like how Blaine is wistful and feels left out and left behind; it's something I think about a lot with him, especially now that he's a year younger (but even with him thinking that Kurt is the most interesting kid in all of Ohio in 3x05, like Blaine might think he doesn't measure up, like that's why he tries so hard to be out there, a leader, one of the guys, someone Kurt can be proud of... but that's another fic just waiting to happen), but even then it was a strong intuition for me that he'd feel that way with the trip to Nationals. I like that Kurt shows his tears and messy hair in the photos to Blaine; he would do so for very few people in his world. I like that we see Kurt physically comfortable with Rachel and Mercedes, because at that point he is. I love that Blaine stops dead in the hallway when he gets the Wicked text. And I like the image of the balloons at the Hudmel house.
Titles are a necessary evil for me, but in this case I quite like it, because it speaks both to this fic happening between the lines in the script of the show and also because the story of both Kurt and Blaine in the fic is happening between the lines of text they send each other.
"And the Living is Easy" - This will forever be the fic that brought stoney321 into Glee fandom. It changed her life for the better (because OMG Glee fandom!), but having her in my life sure changed mine for the better in fandom and out. More about her and my fic as we go on, but this is where it all started!
I was writing a more angsty fic and needed a break (see? I had remembered I could keep my focus over longer periods of time), so I started to think about Kurt and Blaine in the summer. Then I got the visual of Kurt clutching the pitcher of lemonade to his chest. Then I thought about the boys in a hammock and had to write the fic.
I really like seeing Kurt and Blaine being summer-comfortable with each other, Kurt in more casual clothes, them falling asleep together, and them waking up and being so aware of each other. The ice part and the touching really works for me as they explore the boundaries they're starting to cross. It's interesting; I expected not to like this fic at all as I re-read it for this post, but I do. I'm very drawn in general to them wanting each other but not being ready or able to have or do more, and I'm also drawn to how they're different people but try to please each other and don't often say no to each other's crazy ideas (at least in my head). So Kurt doesn't want to go in the hammock, but he does for Blaine.
It may also be of interest to know that I thought that this fic would be the start of me writing a whole mess of stories about Kurt and Blaine over the summer. That didn't happen, because I got grabbed by bigger fics instead.
Also, here starts my headcanon that Kurt says odd things when he's woken up.
"Never Did Run Smooth" - This fic never lived up to the idea in my head. I was aware of the fact that I was writing a lot of fluff and happy boys, and I had been thinking about the flaws in both Kurt and Blaine and how they could hurt them in their relationship. I wrote this fic to explore the way Kurt's pride and expectations of not being wanted and Blaine's insecurity and not wanting to have to be perfect and be the bigger man all of the time could get in their way. Although there are things in this fic that I like, including and especially the last scene where Kurt shifts on a dime to being comfortable again (and also the conversation between Finn and Blaine, because I love Finn and Blaine), it never reached what I wanted it to be. It's fine, but it's not right. (This is why I needed a beta if I was going to try to write serious things. We'll meet her soon!) I also should have put the Kurt scenes in italics, because it was supposed to be Blaine's story with glimpses of Kurt, and it definitely doesn't read that way.
This bit is what makes the fic work for me:
Kurt looked away sharply, his brows furrowed and his mouth compressed into a firm line as he presented his profile to Blaine. The effort it was taking to keep his emotions under control was clear. He took a few long, steadying breaths before turning back. “Okay.” Always braver than Blaine could ever be, he put his hand out between them on the table, palm upwards. When Blaine slid his hand on top, Kurt’s fingers curled around him like they were made to hold him. “We can learn from this,” Kurt said.
"Perchance to Dream" - Oh, this fic. I love this fic. I wanted some sleepy Kurt (including waking up saying something a bit odd), I wanted a little outside perspective on the boys, and I wanted some Blaine and Finn bonding. Add in some Shakespeare and you get this story. :) It was so much fun to write in Finn's POV, the first non-Kurt or -Blaine POV I'd used in this fandom, and I just totally fell in love with it. There's a very partial sequel sitting in my WiP files.
I wish I had more to say about this fic, but I just really had the best time writing it. Here's my favorite part, which I love for the contrast between private Kurt and public Kurt, one of the things I find most intriguing about the character (even though I'd like more of it in canon, please):
[Kurt, upon waking,] sees Blaine first and gives him a warm smile. “Hi,” he says so gently that Finn feels like he’s intruded on something more intimate than the whole horizontal kissing thing.
“Hi,” Blaine says back.
“Uh,” Finn says, standing and almost knocking over his chair.
Kurt sits upright abruptly like a marionette whose strings have been pulled taut. All of the sleepy softness is gone and has been replaced by a wariness Finn knows all too well. “Finn? What are you doing in here?”
That's quite vivid to me, and it also just barely soothes the edge of my longing for moments of Kurt and Blaine in canon being in private with their barriers down.
"Than the Sum of its Parts" - Oh, lord, where to begin with this fic? It was supposed to be three or four scenes long about the increasing comfort Kurt and Blaine felt with each other in terms of physical intimacy (not necessarily sexually, just being comfortable touching and being together) as time passed in their relationship. As a matter of fact, right until the end of my writing process it was called "Intimacies", but I changed it because I thought people would be confused at the lack of porn. To start I wrote... let's see, I wrote the first scene (Warblers practice where Blaine takes Kurt's hand, and I can still see that so clearly in my head) and at least one other, I can't remember what but it may have been what wound up as the last scene in the first part (Blaine saying he hates Kurt's clothes), and I think I had the Kurt taking Blaine's shirt off in his bedroom scene in a partial blob in my head, and it wasn't working. It was not working at all. I'd been chatting quite a bit with stoney321 and looking something over for her and tossed my scenes her way on a frustrated writing whim to see if I should just scrap the whole thing.
This was the best thing I have ever done in my life. Okay, maybe not my whole life, but this cry of frustration that led me to sharing very partial fic, something I never do even with people I know well (because most of the time the comments I get are completely unhelpful and just make me confused about what's in my brain instead of clarifying it for me), changed my fic writing life. I still am not sure why I broke one of my most unbroken rules of writing never to share fic not in full draft form. It was meant to be. She said very wise, helpful things, and she and bethynyc read and re-read parts of this fic as it grew from a 5,000 word at most story to a 30,000 word monster that took over my life. (I am not good at judging how long fics will be, usually by a magnitude of them turning out to be three or four times longer, but this was a particularly egregious example.) If you like anything about this fic, it's probably thanks to them. Honestly.
It's not clear (on purpose), but each section is a specific stage in Kurt and Blaine's early relationship, and I made a very deliberate decision to refer to canonical events as little as possible, though I obviously couldn't avoid Kurt's transfer back to McKinley. I wanted these to be extracanonical moments that stood on their own, expanding the breadth of their lives together and not just tacking on more related to what we saw on screen. I wanted more of them. I wanted their life with the cameras were off.
I'm really proud of Sum. It's not perfect, but it was a huge step for me in terms of tackling a bigger story in this fandom with a significant amount of time passing and people changing in it. I loved writing it. I love revisiting it in my mind and thinking about how I imagine their relationship changes over time. I love how the boys grow together and get more comfortable. I love the early kisses on the wall, the not-quite-thought-through seduction in the stacks in the library, Kurt dancing with Blaine at the end of the New Directions party (though I really wish I hadn't had him drink - I didn't want Blaine to drink because I thought that would be repetitive from BioTA and also that I'd like Blaine to learn from that, but I just never fully believed Kurt would drink even though in that setting he might be comfortable enough to if he were in the mood), and the few Brittany lines at the party. I love Kurt running to see Blaine in their brief overlap in the dining hall, I love Kurt learning to pick his clothes for different reasons, I love Kurt swinging up on the playground equipment (because, hello, he was a cheerleader - the boy is strong and bendy), I love Kurt and Blaine having trouble finding time to see each other after the transfer but making it work, and I love the intensity of their physical attraction in the last part, where they're not acting on it yet but are getting closer.
I love that the whole thing is canon-compliant for season 2, because then I don't have to hop-skip over things that aren't true in the show when I think about the story. This can be true. In my head, most of it is true. And I'm proud that I wrote the whole damn thing in Blaine's POV, because I'm so much more in tune with Kurt by default, and this was a real exploration of Blaine for me to try to get to know him well.
I also really like, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, the stud finder joke. It just felt so right to me for Blaine and Finn both to say it.
One thing that snuck up on me in this fic is the crystallization of one of my biggest bits of character canon; the scene where Blaine realizes he's in love with Kurt was a late addition based on a little comment of stoney321's that got my mind spinning, and the contrast of Kurt wanting to do things with Blaine vs. Blaine wanting to do whatever as long as it's with Kurt still stands in my mind. I think this is the first place I really wrote it out like that, but it's a key character thing for me. We can talk all day about how it probably comes from the ever-shifting characterization of Mr. Blaine Anderson and him being an addendum to Kurt instead of his own character in season 2, but since when it comes to my writing I take canon as character choice instead of screenwriter choice that's how the realities behind the screen settle out in my mind as parts of the boys.
As hard as it is for me to say it, I like that this fic exists, and I like that I wrote it. I rarely feel that way about my writing.
"Retail Therapy" - I had a lot of fits and starts while writing Sum, and this fic started as a scene in Sum that I scrapped. I liked parts of it, though, and reworked the words I had and added a bunch more to make a stand-alone scene that fits into the same 'verse if one likes. What I particularly valued in the concept, which is why I came back to it, is that Blaine doesn't quite understand why it's good that Kurt is so rude about fashion with his friends, because Blaine doesn't do rude. I also really enjoyed writing Kurt being rude honest. I didn't achieve what I wanted in this fic, but I had fun with it.
"Reflection" - I tried very hard not to write this fic. I don't like knowing I'm going to be jossed, and it seemed silly to spend my time writing a theoretical start to season 3 that would be proven wrong a minute into the first episode. I tried so, so hard not to write this fic. So hard.
It wouldn't leave me alone. Once I learned that Darren was going to be a full-time cast member, I started to think about how they'd incorporate Blaine into the show. I was fairly certain that Blaine would have to transfer in order for it to work, and although I avoided pretty much all spoilers for the season beyond that Darren was full-time and Chord had left (I didn't even know that Ashley wasn't coming back, as you can see from the fic) I found myself thinking about Blaine at McKinley a lot. Then I started to think about how Kurt would take Blaine being at McKinley, because, wow, are they different people and would have different lives there. I became overwhelmed with ideas. They ate my brain. Writing this fic was all I wanted to do with every minute of the day, even when I hated it, myself for writing it, and the creative process in gneeral.
There's a lot I could have done better with this story (pacing, pulling fewer punches, going a little deeper a few places, getting the scene with Kurt and Finn washing dishes when Kurt realizes people hate him - the most important scene in the fic for me - to match better what's in my head), but I'm still insanely proud of it, partially because I was incredibly close to scrapping it a couple of times, including when it was at 25,000 words and nearly finished. I had the tone wrong because I couldn't seem to write what was in my head, and stoney321 and bethynyc both told me in multiple drafts that I was being lazy and/or not hitting the right notes (though they said it more nicely). I also was very unsure if the format of short scenes worked, though they were helpful in assuring me it did for them. And I was torn about including any specific music, because I think if people aren't as in tune (pun intended) with the music an author picks it almost always alienates the reader instead of adding to the richness of the story.
Anyway, I tore the whole thing apart, shook it out, and put it back together. I fought hard to get this fic to do what I wanted it to, and they were great throughout the process. I couldn't have done it without them. I really could not. As much as I literally shed tears of frustration while writing this fic because of some of stoney321's comments, I appreciate their help more than I can possibly say. They got me to do what I needed to do. I like the end result of this story, I love what it says and how it ends, but even more I like that I conquered the damn thing.
I also think I handled the voices of the characters on the whole well. Making Kurt and Blaine be Kurt and Blaine is always important to me, but I also want the ensemble to sound like themselves, and there are some moments in this fic, particularly bits in the choir room, I'm exceptionally proud of in that regard. I also had more fun than I could have imagined writing the bit of Rachel we get before she and Kurt get slushied, which was a revelation to me, since I thought I would hate writing in her voice.
I honestly was unspoiled for season 3 (I'd stopped reading communities and Tumblr over the summer when spoilers first started popping up), and I am so tickled every time we see things from this fic pop up in canon, from "Last Friday Night" to the issue of passing to Blaine choosing Kurt over Dalton (which wasn't a choice here, because OMG Blaine it's a stupid decision in canon, but he realizes in this fic he would) to Blaine being one of the guys while Kurt is not. Part of what consumes me about Kurt and Blaine is how different they are and how people treat/respond to them because of that, and I feel vindicated in a way by my thoughts about them when I see echoes in canon.
(I just wish I'd gone all the way and had them compete for a part in a play, which I'd considered doing but thought was jumping the shark because we'd never seen much about the theater offerings at McKinley in any useful way. And there's no way I could have predicted Blaine's new fashion sense! Or his grade!)
Of all of the fic I've written this year, this one is a contender for my favorite. If Sum is the story of these two boys growing together in a relationship, this one is them facing similar challenges as individuals and making some different choices. It is more real to me in terms of them both (though we're focused on Kurt) dealing with the difficulties of navigating their lives at McKinley; Sum is largely them together against the world, while Reflection is more them dealing with the world being sometimes against them. It's also another step for me in terms of thinking of them as real boys beyond the show.
FWIW, Blaine's perspective about the events in this story is quite different and far more complicated for him than it seems from Kurt's eyes, but I made the very deliberate choice to stay tight in Kurt's narrow perspective.
"Freedom" - As the summer drew to a close, I wanted to get back to the summery fic I thought I was going to write. So I revisited Kurt and Blaine in a hammock as a thank you to stoney321 and a way to round out the hiatus. I wanted to capture the sense of freedom you have when it feels like the weight of the world is off of your shoulders; Blaine seems to carry a lot of responsibility and expectation, and I thought he might respond well not to having it there for a little while.
There are things I really like about this fic: the memory of driving alone for the first time, the image of Kurt on the front steps, the ease of the kiss in the kitchen, the strangeness of Kurt's jeans against Blaine's bare legs after shorts much of the summer, the sense of rising into the sky through the leaves, the way they touch, the lines they don't yet cross (which fit nicely into future canon, not that I knew that when writing)... I think I managed to touch on much of what I was trying to convey with this story.
"One Saturday Night" - And thus starts my trend of my writing week making me post fic just before a new episode airs, which I hate doing. I hadn't planned on finishing anything else after "Freedom" before season three started, though I had some longer ideas I was poking at, but some of the spoiler-friendly Glee fans on my friends list (I had stopped reading communities, as you may recall) were posting cryptic things about Kurt and Blaine and how great things were between them in 3x01 above cuts. I got mildly worried that they'd taken a huge step forward in their sexual relationship over the summer, which would be referred to in episode one, and I realized that I wanted to write about their first time on my own before I gave the boys back to the show for the season. So I did.
I am so glad I wrote this fic. Partially I just adore it and all of the ways it makes me laugh - from Blaine not understanding Kurt saying he's ready to "Gay, gay, gay" - and partially I'm glad that I had this out of my system long before 3x05 spoilers started to leak, but mostly the intimacy of this story is really precious to me. That they get to explore with each other and really act on being gay in a way they've never had the chance before is meaningful to me. It's a huge step for them as real boys. I like the care that they take with each other. I like the trust they have in each other. I like that they can laugh. I like that it all feel huge and overwhelming and awesome. Although obviously this is not the same set-up in 3x05 (which I also adore), I feel like the ideas are cut from the same cloth. I'm just glad I got to write it, too.
As a story, I wrote it very quickly and inside-out. I think the first pieces that were finished were bits of "gay, gay, gay," "I'm ready for more," and the Finn Cougar Town line. Usually I write fairly linearly, but in this case I wrote bits here and there and stitched them together. I don't generally like writing sex scenes if they feel like naked acrobatics without emotion; attacking the fic inside-out tends to get me around that, because I write the character moments and emotional beats first and then can write the sexual text around it. So it makes sense to me that I put the fic together that way, even though there's a heck of a lot that's not porn at all (including my first real Hudmel scene!).
I've seen people talk about what they think the hottest bits of their fics are in their own memes, and I don't generally think that way about my own writing, but this part hits me right in the chest every time:
He kisses Kurt slow and dirty and then gives into the urge to squeeze around Kurt’s erection. Kurt makes the best noise ever, a desperate, surprised groan, and then kisses him harder as Blaine slides his hand from root to tip, feeling his length, his thickness. He feels amazing, and Blaine is filled with aching, formless, endless desire. For him, for anything, for everything with him.
I'm not so interested in the acrobatics of sex when I read/write fic in terms of what I find hot; I'm interested in the emotion behind it, and I'm so very compelled by the idea of desire, of wanting, and of getting to act on it.
This is absolutely one of my favorite fics of the year. Also, it's the first place I voice, I think, that Blaine is going to like giving blow jobs, which I just think he will/does.
"A Goal Without a Plan is Just a Wish" - My first episode tag of season 3! My first fic in season 3 where I set out to answer a problem that was niggling at me! In 3x01, I was deeply touched and intrigued by the despair Kurt feels at suddenly realizing getting out of Ohio and following his dreams would be harder than he thought; I come back to this issue in later fic, as well as Rachel's mirror of the same emotion. I was also struck by the fact that Kurt running for student government was one of the weirdest ideas I'd ever heard; this is a kid who was bullied, marginalized, and chased out of the school, and he seemed to hate or at least express disdain for the majority of the student body. Plus, student government is a popularity contest, and Kurt may think highly of himself but isn't so blind to think that he's popular.
So as much as I thought that was a strange choice on the part of the writers, I decided - because I approach what the characters do on screen as coming from them and not the people behind the curtain pulling the strings - to figure out why Kurt would think this was a good idea, despite the fact that it was clearly not going to go smoothly. I like my solution and feel it fits him, and obviously we see later on in the season that the show writers came up with the same reasoning. It just was not clear in 3x01.
"Just Thursday" I did not write an episode tag for 3x02, despite flailing at the screen during most of the episode, because I really wanted to see the Kurt/Blaine Tony-related fall-out... which we didn't really get in the way I was craving in terms of conversation (though the flowers are a lovely gesture, and it reaffirmed my belief in the Kurt in my head and heart), but of course I didn't know that. Instead I started to work on a long future AU in which Kurt and Blaine break up at the end of Kurt's senior year and meet up years later, and it depressed the hell out of me and was so impossible to write, so I gave up on that (it's still in my -iP folder, and I pull it out occasionally) and wrote a bit of future smutty fluff with a nice quiet intimacy to cheer myself up.
This fic is what it is, and I make no apologies. The boys are sweet. They're in love. They have sex. It's Thursday. :)
"Celebration" - 3x03 tag. I had some trouble with Blaine in the first part of the season, not so much what was on screen of him but how I could reconcile that with the dapper, preppy, boy Blaine was in my head from the last season and how that connected with his new wardrobe and age and whatnot. So when I went to work on this tag, I wrote it first from Kurt's perspective because I didn't trust my inner Blaine, and the fic didn't work at all. Writing it was like slogging through mud. Fortunately, the ever-helpful stoney321 told me I could still write Blaine even if I didn't understand all of his sartorial choices (more on this in the next fic), and when I realized I was trying to tell his story and scrapped the other attempt things went much better.
It's another Lima Bean fic, the first in which Blaine likes kitchen sink cookies, and a continuation of my belief that Blaine is a cookie fanatic in general. I quite like the Kurt in this story, actually, despite the focus being on Blaine. I also got to deal with some of the Tony fall-out and how Kurt deals with jealousy. He has grown in canon. Oh, and I got to incorporate some of my summer headcanon of Hudmel + Blaine + Rachel game night, including the Blaine-Finn partnership I wanted for them.
It's not a subtle fic to my eyes, but I needed to write it. I also needed to write this line: “We’re always on the same side, Blaine,” [Kurt] said gently. “Even when we’re competing against each other.” I didn't know I needed to write it, but I did. Because it's true. I love that about them.
"Ties" Whoa, boy, okay. Ties. This was a big one for me. Where to start with this story? It is obviously one of those fics where I was bothered by something in canon - namely Blaine's clothing choices being so drastically different between s2 and s3 (and I don't mean the loss of the blazer - we see him in casual clothing in s2, too) - and had to figure out why it would be so. I got to thinking about how Kurt and Blaine use clothing differently, was/am obsessed with the issue of Blaine passing and Kurt not (and how Kurt doesn't even try, not that he should, no no no, but that it's not often on his radar to have to blend in beyond s1 even at Dalton - I adore this about him as a character), and how Blaine manifests his self-confidence, sexuality, and charm. The "It's Not Unusual" performance featured large in my thoughts.
So, per usual, I blathered at stoney321 via e-mail and then ended up with a story. It is stylistically complicated in terms of sections, tone, and tense changes, but it felt right to me. I'm mostly pleased with how it came out, but I definitely like the message beneath. It reconciled my Blaine issues, I got to deal with "Prom Queen" again around Blaine wanting to blend in vs. Kurt wanting to stand out, and it just generally was satisfying to write. It was also hard, because I don't like writing backstory for Blaine because of the whole hating-to-be-jossed issue, but I stuck close enough to what we know that I was comfortable with what I created. I also like the contrast of Blaine shopping for Sadie Hawkins and for Prom.
Part of what I like overall is that although there's quite a bit of Kurt and, I think, some good insights into him throughout the fic, this is really a Blaine story in the way that "Reflection" is a Kurt story. This is me working at honoring real, individual, independent boys as well as their relationship. I'm proud of this fic. I'm proud of what I did and said with it. It's not perfect, but it's still a contender for my favorite fic of the year.
(This is also one of those fics, like "Reflection," "I Want to Tell You" (below), and a few others, where as I was writing it I'd badger stoney with the whine that it was all so obvious and everybody already knew all this and I was the slow one. It was a relief to find in people's comments that they hadn't thought about the question at all or hadn't come up with an answer but that my ideas made sense to them. I hate to write the obvious things everybody knows over and over like it's something new. I'm sure I do it, but I'm trying not to waste all of our time with it.)
"Fall, Falling" - After "Ties" I needed to write something sweet and fun. Fall is my favorite season, and so I decided to write a fic set in the season much like my summery hammock fics. I'd also started to think a lot about Blaine wanting Kurt, wanting to be more affectionate in public (see the aborted stairway kiss in 3x03), and just wanting, so that came into the picture, too. Also, I am obsessed with scarves in the fall and winter, and I wanted Kurt to have a moment to enjoy his own wardrobe. ;)
This exchange makes me smile:
“Scarves,” Kurt said with a dreamy sigh that Blaine had a few seconds before thought was only ever related to Kurt talking about him.
“Scarves?” he asked a little sharply, but that was his dreamy sigh.
Kurt toyed with the collar of his shirt like he was imagining wearing one with it; his fingers at his throat distracted Blaine for a second. “Yes.”
“But you wore scarves all summer.”
“Those were summer scarves,” Kurt told him. “Now it’s time for wool scarves. Alpaca. Silk blends. Cashmere. And coats. Gloves. Hats.” Kurt turned to him, his eyes alight. “Hats, Blaine.”
But my real take-away from this fic is Blaine wanting more, more from Kurt, more acceptance from the world around them. It's: He wanted Kurt to want to be less cautious and to be just as affectionate and the way then Kurt does show affection. They're not totally in sync, these two, but they are in love.
"The Other Half of the Equation" - Oh, this fic. I'd started writing the Kurt-POV parallel fic to Sum soon after I finished the original story. I had bits I definitely wanted to tell from his POV. I poked at it here and there around my other projects and had it mostly as you read it for a long time, except that originally it was supposed to parallel the five part structure and timeline of Sum, and I couldn't bring myself to write it.
I'd sent it to stoney321 (she pops up a lot, doesn't she? If I didn't have her, I wouldn't have written about two-thirds of the fics in this post.) a number of times as I came back to it, and finally I just sent her thing awfully whining e-mail in which I basically realized I didn't want it to parallel Sum in structure and that Kurt's story is very different from Blaine's. Once they're in a stable relationship and prove that he can go back to McKinley, Kurt isn't worried about Blaine. He's got a calmer core, Kurt does. Once they're kind of established, he's just moving on with his life with his wonderful boyfriend. The new revelations for Blaine continue in a way that Kurt just keeps learning but keeps going. So I stopped fretting and wrapped up the fic the way I should have been able to do months before.
I don't know what to say about it. I adore Kurt, so I generally love writing in his POV. I love the first scene of Kurt pulling up to Dalton; it got it to do exactly what I wanted. I like the concept of Kurt being jumpy and overwhelmed at first but increasingly more confident in touching and being touched. I love Kurt calling Blaine out for being too chivalrous. I like Blaine bringing Kurt the rose, which I wrote well before 3x03. I like Blaine falling asleep on him. I don't know, there's a lot I like. I feel like I missed the mark in terms of some of the pacing and points being either too subtle or too obvious from me staring at this fic for too damn long, but I'm happy I wrote it.
All We've Ever Done - More freewriting. I wanted desperately to get some words out before Glee came back from hiatus before 3x04, and I was having the devil of a time with all of the big fics in my head. So I freewrote this sweet future fic. I'd been struggling with a fic about Kurt and Blaine dancing together in various important points in their lives, but it had ended up feeling too much like I was treading the same path in canon over and over, so I used the concept of dancing and wrote them in the future in New York.
It's sweet. It has Francesca and Blaine-the-little-girl-magnet. It has private vs. public Kurt. It has another Buffy-related title. It's far from perfect, but I make no apologies. :)
"While You're Busy Making Other Plans" - 3x04 tag. I really got caught up in the idea of Kurt realizing life is moving on around him in this episode, as well as the conflict between Blaine and Finn and the fact that Kurt is on the outside of the leadership of the group. Oh, and more of Kurt and Blaine pushing the boundaries in their relationship. Somehow I tied them all together and wrote a story about it. My initial idea was very mopey, but I think I was able to get enough distance from that that the story is enjoyable. I'm not sure I accomplished what I wanted to, but I will forever be happy with this part:
[Kurt] had all of these plans for what he was going to do, to have, in New York. He had plans for where he wanted to live, what school he would attend, what clothes he would wear, what parts he would play. He had so many plans around leaving.
What he hadn’t quite recognized was that everybody else was moving on with their lives, too. His dad was running against Sue and would have to be in Washington at least part of the time if he won. Finn was going to go to college or whatever it was he was going to do; he might even manage the shop and be the guy with the easy smile who came over to handle the hardest customers instead of Kurt’s father. Blaine would be in a new New Directions, with different members, with people who could replace Kurt and Rachel and Puck and Finn and everyone else who was graduating, if not their specific personalities then at least their voices. Blaine would probably be leading it, or at least he should be, having new experiences and singing new songs without Kurt, and it was all so different. With the girls gone to Shelby’s group, it already was different.
That feels real to me.
"Together" - This is a fic from my heart. I was sick as anything and put off going to the doctor because I had to write this story. I love pretty much everything about this fic, and I say this as a person who hates my fic 98% of the time. I am so happy about the intimacy of it, the changes and not changes in their relationship, the details of touch between them, just all of it. I didn't want to write the porn; I wanted to write the emotion.
This is canon for me.
If I have to pick lines I like best I would say:
The rumbling of Blaine’s stomach and the necessity of cleaning up might have forced them from his bed, but Kurt’s not ready to pull back on all of the trappings of the Kurt he is to the outside world. If he’s honest, it would hurt to do it right now. He’s not ready to lose the connection they’ve built between them.
and
The tips of Blaine’s fingers rub a gentle circle on Kurt’s stomach above the waistband of his jeans, and that’s definitely new, too. It’s a liberty Blaine wouldn’t have taken before tonight. It’s wonderful, though. It’s totally wonderful. It’s arousing in an abstract way, but even more it’s comforting, because it’s not meant to be arousing. Blaine’s looking over at his sandwiches, half-distracted by them, and just touching Kurt because he wants to be touching him. Maybe he needs to be, just as much as Kurt needs to be touching him.
"(Not) the Same" - I had to write about 3x05 from Blaine's perspective. I just had to, because I think the aftermath is more confusing for him, both in terms of his confidence and in terms of his reactions to the car fight and Sebastian. Originally I was going to put the initial plan for this fic as the second part of "Together," but stoney321 was wise when she said I should let them each stand on their own. She was so right.
I fought with this fic, partially because I was still quite sick, but think I pulled it together more or less. It's mostly what I was trying to say. I like Kurt's venom about Sebastian and Blaine's attraction to Sebastian's forwardness. I like how Blaine can't stop thinking about the other night, what it means, how great it was, and how he wants more of Kurt. I like how Blaine can't quite keep himself together the way Kurt can; this has become a theme for me, much like the whole private vs. public Kurt thing has developed. And I like that they talk about it all. One of the great joys of writing this pairing is that Kurt and Blaine talk. It is pretty much never OOC for one of them to call the other out on something. It's glorious. Not only is it great for them as characters, but it's such a freeing thing as a writer to be able to let them speak if I can figure out what they think and how much they understand of each other and themselves.
"Out" - I had such a strong reaction to Finn outing Santana in 3x06 that I could barely breathe the entire time I wrote this fic. I'm not sure if I was able to make the words portray everything that I was feeling, because I couldn't get a lot of distance, but this is what I wanted to say. This is what I think Kurt and Blaine did. They'd rally around. Kurt would snap to it and make himself make a plan; Blaine would immediately want to help but be struck a bit by his own past before he could pull on his mentor voice. They'd do it together, and they'd be there for her.
In some ways, I feel like this is one of the most important fics I've written, which seems kind of weird to me as it is so very short. I just feel very fiercely about the subject, and I think Kurt and Blaine would, too.
I wish we'd seen more of this in canon beyond "Perfect."
"Touch" - More freewriting, more fic about the aftermath about 3x05, more about Blaine wanting and feeling stifled by society and whatnot. I'm happy with the visuals here and the style of the piece.
"Leading Men" - I got to write Rachel! That's probably why this fic didn't get as many comments as others of mine, but I loved writing in her POV. She is insanely unreliable as a narrator, and I laughed my way through the writing process. I love her, but she's such a self-centered person.
Not only am I back thinking about 3x05 here, but I very much wanted to explore the relationship between Rachel and Blaine. They take each other seriously. Since we knew they'd discussed losing their virginities before it happened, I wanted to play that out a little further.
I love the glimpses we get of Rachel missing Kurt, too. I could have gone on and on about that, but it wasn't the place for it. But through her eyes we see some of the changes in Kurt and the happiness he's feeling post 3x05. It works for me. This was one of my favorite fics to write this year.
"Thankful" - A little Thanksgiving sweetness. I originally was going to write a bit for pretty much all of the Glee characters, but I decided against it and just wrote the ones who spoke to me. The Kurt and Blaine parts make me particularly happy. And the Rory part, actually.
"I Want to Tell You" - It's another problem-solving fic. I'd been thinking all season about Kurt and Blaine and their performances, that Blaine doesn't sing all that much to Kurt this season (even when Kurt's there Blaine divides his attention) but way more importantly that Kurt hasn't sung to Blaine or even had a solo with him there. I chewed on this question for a while, about why they sing and what it means to them, and came up with a fic. Originally I began to write a 3 times Kurt didn't sing to Blaine and one time he did fic, but this is what it became and should have been from the start.
I set it after 3x05, so again there's the question of how things have changed between them and what they should be doing/saying/feeling when they're together. I like that question a lot, too, as you might have noticed, and I use that issue to move into the singing one. I think it says real, interesting things about them. This is another story where I was sure the entire fandom had figured it all out except for me. I fretted a little, too, about the inclusion of music/lyrics but saw no way around it and chose to stick with a Beatles theme because they transcend generation and genre.
For a fic that I adore, one of my top of the year, I apparently have very little to say about it. I think it speaks for itself. :)
More in part two!
So.
2011 was a very productive year for me fic-wise. According to the AO3, I wrote forty-two fics and 183,855 words. That doesn't count the words I've co-written with wesleysgirl on our reality_bends fic, the words I've written but not published on my various WiPs still -iP, and the countless words I've thrown out or otherwise rewritten over the course of getting those 183,855 words published. I could have written more (and better), but given that I have a small child, have limited free time, didn't start seriously writing fic this year 'til April, and have had a dry few years in terms of writing overall (thanks to said small child), I'm pleased with my output, at least quantitatively.
(I am very tough on my writing qualitatively, but I'm going to try to hold back as much as I can because if you read my fic you must like it, if you don't see huge problems with it I don't want to point them out, and my disgust with my own work knows no bounds and could keep us here for days, which none of us wants. :) Just pretend I think I'm great!)
This year I wrote in three fandoms: Buffy-Angel, Hawaii: Five-O, and Glee, and I published fic in the second two: four H50 and thirty-eight Glee, two of which were 100-word drabbles.
Chronologically:
Steve the Survivor Meets his Fans - My first H50 fic. This was the first fic I finished this year after a few years of barely writing after the arrival of my son, and it was a joy to write largely because it was a cracky AU idea (Steve from H50 is the star of a survival show, and Danny is his long-suffering producer) that let me play with their voices for fun. I love banter. This fic is pretty much all banter. I love crazy AU ideas, though I rarely write them. This fic is also that. It gave me permission to play without the stress of canon, plot, or anything complicated. In that regard, it was just the right fic to start with. Also, I'd been toying with writing more Sports Night fic, and this gave me some of the taste of how I write SN fic (banter banter banter!) in a shiny new fandom.
I don't have much else to say about this fic other than that I still like this bit in terms of Danny's voice:
“I am nowhere near finished.” He stabbed the up button for the elevator seven times before ticking off his next point. “Two, because we are in said resort hotel, if heat exhaustion were imminent, instead of trying to find a cool spot in the shady side of a sand dune the real decision for survival is to choose between the air conditioned lobby and the pool. Actually, there are several pools. Of different temperatures. Some, according to the expert eyes of one Miss Grace Williams, have slides.”
It's the "seven times" and the "one Miss Grace Williams" that does it for me.
"Caught in the Rain" - My first Glee fic. I had no idea what was ahead for me! "Original Song" turned me from a rabid Kurt fan into a rabid Kurt/Blaine fan (I liked them as friends with potential before but didn't require them to be together - that changed), and when the visual of Blaine pulling Kurt across the grass toward a bandstand in the rain struck me it didn't let go. So I wrote it. It twisted around a few times in my head before it became this fic, as stories often do. It's a hard fic for me to re-read, because there are quite a few lines that I think aren't right in terms of their voices; the sentiments are okay, and I still like the concept of it, but the wording is wrong.
This fic is, however, the start of my running theme of the conflict of Kurt being a Fred Astaire fan and Blaine being a Gene Kelly fan. I am really fond of that bit of personal headcanon, and it pops back up when I least expect it. :) It's also when I first started thinking about Kurt and Blaine in Say Anything... and wanting to write that AU.
"Talking" - I was supposed to complete my new fandom fic trifecta by writing a (still unwritten) Sherlock BBC story, but instead out came H50 banter plus smut! I had tons of fun writing the fic, not for the smut but for the banter around the smut and how the two parts interacted with and diverted each other. It makes me laugh, and I still love this paragraph:
“I mean, seriously, look at you. You put me in that position and I’d have to go into traction for a week to be able to stand up straight again, but you - “ Danny pushed in harder and lost his train of thought for a moment as the hairs on the back of his neck stood up and did a little dance at how good Steve felt beneath him and around him. His voice was significantly more hoarse when he resumed talking. “ - you, you give a contortionist a run for his money and then take up, I don’t know, recreational acrobatic skydiving for fun five minutes later.”
Danny is ridiculously fun to write, even in prose around his speech. At this point, I was fairly certain I'd be writing mostly H50.
This is also apparently the start of me being drawn to single-word titles this year.
"Chill" - A 100-word drabble based on the visual of Blaine standing outside leaning against a lamppost in the snow. I should have written it as a ficlet, but I didn't think I could keep it short if I did, didn't have the time to write something longer, and was desperate to get the idea out of my head onto the page. Also, I used to adore the discipline of writing 100-word drabbles; they're like puzzles to me and are very satisfying... except this should have been a ficlet. I have no excuse but fear that if I didn't finish it in one sitting I never would.
"Definitions" - Another single-word title and the first proper episode tag I'd write for Glee. If I'd only known how many tags I'd end up writing! I was kind of frustrated, as many of us were, by the lack of Kurt/Blaine in "A Night of Neglect", and I wanted to explore them a little more. This is part of why I write every episode tag and indeed every fic with these two; I want to explore them more. In this case, I wanted to address them going on a date and how their relationship had changed from being friends. I wanted them to acknowledge it to themselves and each other. I wanted to see that. Now I'd write a longer fic about it, but at this point I wasn't sure my renewed ability to write wasn't going to slip away again if I got yet another bad night's sleep, so I had to scribble things in a quick hour or two around my museling duties.
This I can still hear in my head:
“Oh?” Kurt asked with a laugh. “Which part was your favorite? Was it the unimaginative heckling or the simmering threat of violence?”
"Princess Grace" - I watched the wedding of Prince William and Catherine Middleton with delight and got to thinking about Danny watching it with Grace while wearing a tiara. As one does. During the course of writing this story, I got to research the time difference between the UK and Hawaii, which was fun if difficult on a sleep-deprived brain. This is also the fic where I figured out that I don't know the line between pre-slash and slash with Danny and Steve in H50 season one, because everything to me between them is slash, even if they're not actively kissing.
Another line that still makes me grin:
“It is eleven o’clock at night, eleven o’clock at night on a day during which I have been shot at twice, chased down an alley by thugs in fast cars, and hit on the head with a very large fish. Unless it is an issue of national security, I do not want to talk about the case. Even if it is an issue of national security, I do not want to talk about it. I especially do not want to talk about the fish.”
Oh, Danny Williams. How are you so awesome to write?
"Wedding Party" - A 100-word Glee reaction drabble to the royal wedding. This should have been a proper fic, only I didn't have the time that day and wanted to get the idea down. (As the year progressed, I stopped being so worried about not finishing stories if I was going to have to wait three or four days until I could write again, but at this point I was sure I would going to lose my mojo because I was so drained by parenting an active and very needy toddler.) About two-thirds of the proper, full-length fic I wanted to write is sitting in GDocs ready to be finished, only I feel like the moment has passed. But I really like the proper fic; it has some fun ensemble moments and a Kurt bit I adore. It may appear someday.
"Intermezzo with Caffeine" - Episode tag for 2x19 ("Rumors"), and my first fic where I put Kurt and Blaine in the Lima Bean! Although I could see it going in different ways, I was interested in the idea of Blaine not knowing about the whole Sam situation (because Kurt can keep a secret even from him), and I was taken by the thought of him coming into the LB in this fic with his polite-Blaine-facade on before dropping it. Also, I liked the idea of Kurt wanting Blaine to trust him without having to explain and Blaine being insecure about himself, an understanding of the character that has played out nicely in season 3 for me.
Anyway, I liked the concept of the moment of conflict between them, mild but telling about their own insecurities. It was a chance to challenge their sureness in each other, which appealed to me. I'd probably write something different now as an episode tag, dealing with the difficulty of the reality of Sam's situation.
"Once More, With Feeling" - An H50 fic about Glee (with a Buffy-referencing title). I can't even tell you how amused I am that I wrote this fic. I was trying to continue writing H50 fic (this was the last one of the year, probably my last one ever, ultimately because the show made some character decisions around Danny that made me break up with it altogether at the end of the first season), but my mind was all Glee Glee Glee. And then this popped into my head and off I went:
“Danny has a problem with musical theater,” Kono told Steve.
“What? I do not - “ Danny pulled at his hair in exasperation. “I’m not saying I want to go sit through Oklahoma! at the Diamond Head Theatre, but I see the value in the performing arts. Sometimes I even like them. That is not the problem here.”
“First off, nobody wants to sit through Oklahoma!,” Kono said. “And secondly, we’re in Hawai’i. If you’re going to pick a mildly offensive Rodgers and Hammerstein musical to make fun of, shouldn’t it at least be South Pacific?”
I really like this fic. I really, really do, and the thing I like about it is that the silly banter is actually about how hard it is for Danny to be a divorced parent who cares about his daughter, can't give her everything, and on some level fears losing her affection to her mother and step-father no matter what he does. That's very real to me for him in the show, and I admire him in canon for his dedication to his daughter. Only the characters talk very little about that here, because they're them, and I find their teasing to be adorable. And I got to research theaters on the big island, which was cool.
Yeah, I'm extremely fond of this fic.
And now it's all-Glee all the time!
"After the Last Dance" - Prom Queen reaction fic. Prom Queen gutted me. As much as I adored "Original Song" and "Born This Way" in season 2 of Glee, "Prom Queen" is the pivotal episode for me for the season. It has a lot of important character moments for Kurt and Blaine: Blaine's revelation of having been beaten up and Kurt willingness to do something other than prom with him because of it, Kurt's giddy joy at being able to go to prom with his boyfriend, him being willing to go to prom alone but being unwilling not to wear the kilt, Kurt's face when the Prom Queen is named, the whole hallway scene, the dance at the end, just... this episode is so pivotal to me for these boys. This fic was me dealing with the episode ending where it did, which was with none of the aftermath of the night.
I still like this story. I like Finn, I like how brittle Kurt is, I like how Blaine doesn't know what to do but tries anyway, I like how they are both sad but feel better for having each other, I even like the "I love you," which I NEVER thought would be jossed so soon or possibly ever (but I sure don't mind that it was). This to me is absolutely what happened after the episode.
For me, I think this fic was also a turning point in my own writing, where I started to realize that I wanted to explore Kurt and Blaine as real boys in Lima, OH. I didn't just want to write in their voices and add in a bit more for them here and there; I was starting to think about them as real people having real experiences and what that meant to them beyond the confines of the show. That's how I approach them now almost all of the time, and it starts here.
"Textures" - Single word title! This was an exercise in freewriting, in which I sat down and banged on the keyboard for a half hour because I was struggling with writing other fic that morning. Out came this fic, and then I did a quick skim edit to make sure I hadn't left out words or used the wrong ones and posted the damn thing. It is what it is. I think it captures something about love changing your perspective, but I could have done it better had it not been freewriting. :)
"Spotlight" - Single word title! Another fic dealing with Prom Queen! Be glad there isn't a drinking game associated with this post.
I almost always write fic because I'm thinking about a topic; I'll keep talking about this issue as I go on, but when there's either a problem in canon, a gap, or a character question that sits in the back of my mind I tend to chew on it until it gets answered in story form.
This fic sprang from two big issues and one smaller one for me: 1) As a Kurt-oriented fan, I wanted to explore what Kurt sees in Blaine now that they're together and Blaine's more or less a real boy and not just the shiny gay front-man in a blazer he started out being, 2) I wanted to think about my vision in this porn-filled fandom of what their first fumbling steps toward intimacy might actually be like (though even as I wrote this fic I didn't think they were going this far in canon, but I wanted to explore the possibility), and 3) I wanted to be able to touch on Kurt's wonderful teenage delight at getting to go to prom with his boyfriend, which we see in the first part of the episode.
The fic started in my mind with the visual of Kurt watching Blaine rehearse, and it all spun out from there, his thinking about performers, his wanting to be a part of things but not, his wanting to be alone with Blaine and have him for himself. I liked the newness of their relationship in this fic, including: Kurt cuts him off with a sharp shake of the head. “Nothing is wrong,” he tells him. “You were born to sing, and you are amazing, and you are mine, and I want to kiss you.” He swallows nervously, because some part of him still feels like he shouldn’t say that sort of thing, even now. That's my favorite line, because it encompasses Kurt's fire and his attraction to Blaine and the fact that having been told for so long he shouldn't have desires doesn't get erased just because he has Blaine. And I like that the sex, such as it is, is above the clothes, unplanned, and (willingly) one-sided, because it's all still so new, exciting, and terrifying for them both. They aren't porn stars; they're teenage boys with their first boyfriend. It's amazing and frightening for them to be able to touch and try things, because they're teenagers, because they're gay, because they're them and have had the experiences they've had. I talk about this a lot in my fic, too.
"Good Night, Sweet Prince" - Ah, the chocolate-covered espresso bean fic and also the start of me using famous quotations or bits of them for titles for a while. I had this idea driving home from my writing cafe the day I posted "Spotlight" and actually wrote it with the museling beside me on the couch after dinner, which I never do. The story sprang fully formed from my head, much like Athena, and started my fascination with Kurt and Blaine in the Dalton library. I also spent one summer in college bouncing off the walls while hyped on chocolate-covered espresso beans. Please eat in moderation.
I don't know if I'd write it quite this way again, but I do smile at this line: he was going to die here in the library because of this stupid seminar, and Kurt wasn’t even going to miss him. It would probably be on his tombstone: Here lies Blaine Anderson, whose boyfriend doesn’t miss him. We’d say he died too young, but nobody cares.
"A Truth Universally Acknowledged" - The Pride and Prejudice fic. The previous story got me to thinking about my own time with friends in the library in high school (I went to a co-ed Dalton), which led me to thinking about various books I'd read for class there. Then I had the visual of Kurt straightening Blaine's scarf and the idea of what Kurt's margin notes might be like... and voila.
At this point in the year I was still thinking of myself as a short, quippy fic writer, which is largely what I'd written in my eight years in fandom. So this fic and the previous one are in that same vein; I hadn't quite allowed myself to give into the luxury of writing the boys as real, despite wanting to.
"Between the Lines" - The "I love you"s in "New York" made me screech with delight, and I kind of flailed around for a while before I could calm down and think of fic. I was taken by the idea of what Kurt would have texted back to Blaine during his trip, and I decided to write the fic entirely outside of what we saw on screen. I don't, as a rule, like to write out lines from the show, so even though I wanted to incorporate things through the end of the episode I didn't want to show it. And thus a fic comprised of texts was born.
I wish very much I had any talent for drawing, because I can see each and every picture they sent each other. I like how Blaine is wistful and feels left out and left behind; it's something I think about a lot with him, especially now that he's a year younger (but even with him thinking that Kurt is the most interesting kid in all of Ohio in 3x05, like Blaine might think he doesn't measure up, like that's why he tries so hard to be out there, a leader, one of the guys, someone Kurt can be proud of... but that's another fic just waiting to happen), but even then it was a strong intuition for me that he'd feel that way with the trip to Nationals. I like that Kurt shows his tears and messy hair in the photos to Blaine; he would do so for very few people in his world. I like that we see Kurt physically comfortable with Rachel and Mercedes, because at that point he is. I love that Blaine stops dead in the hallway when he gets the Wicked text. And I like the image of the balloons at the Hudmel house.
Titles are a necessary evil for me, but in this case I quite like it, because it speaks both to this fic happening between the lines in the script of the show and also because the story of both Kurt and Blaine in the fic is happening between the lines of text they send each other.
"And the Living is Easy" - This will forever be the fic that brought stoney321 into Glee fandom. It changed her life for the better (because OMG Glee fandom!), but having her in my life sure changed mine for the better in fandom and out. More about her and my fic as we go on, but this is where it all started!
I was writing a more angsty fic and needed a break (see? I had remembered I could keep my focus over longer periods of time), so I started to think about Kurt and Blaine in the summer. Then I got the visual of Kurt clutching the pitcher of lemonade to his chest. Then I thought about the boys in a hammock and had to write the fic.
I really like seeing Kurt and Blaine being summer-comfortable with each other, Kurt in more casual clothes, them falling asleep together, and them waking up and being so aware of each other. The ice part and the touching really works for me as they explore the boundaries they're starting to cross. It's interesting; I expected not to like this fic at all as I re-read it for this post, but I do. I'm very drawn in general to them wanting each other but not being ready or able to have or do more, and I'm also drawn to how they're different people but try to please each other and don't often say no to each other's crazy ideas (at least in my head). So Kurt doesn't want to go in the hammock, but he does for Blaine.
It may also be of interest to know that I thought that this fic would be the start of me writing a whole mess of stories about Kurt and Blaine over the summer. That didn't happen, because I got grabbed by bigger fics instead.
Also, here starts my headcanon that Kurt says odd things when he's woken up.
"Never Did Run Smooth" - This fic never lived up to the idea in my head. I was aware of the fact that I was writing a lot of fluff and happy boys, and I had been thinking about the flaws in both Kurt and Blaine and how they could hurt them in their relationship. I wrote this fic to explore the way Kurt's pride and expectations of not being wanted and Blaine's insecurity and not wanting to have to be perfect and be the bigger man all of the time could get in their way. Although there are things in this fic that I like, including and especially the last scene where Kurt shifts on a dime to being comfortable again (and also the conversation between Finn and Blaine, because I love Finn and Blaine), it never reached what I wanted it to be. It's fine, but it's not right. (This is why I needed a beta if I was going to try to write serious things. We'll meet her soon!) I also should have put the Kurt scenes in italics, because it was supposed to be Blaine's story with glimpses of Kurt, and it definitely doesn't read that way.
This bit is what makes the fic work for me:
Kurt looked away sharply, his brows furrowed and his mouth compressed into a firm line as he presented his profile to Blaine. The effort it was taking to keep his emotions under control was clear. He took a few long, steadying breaths before turning back. “Okay.” Always braver than Blaine could ever be, he put his hand out between them on the table, palm upwards. When Blaine slid his hand on top, Kurt’s fingers curled around him like they were made to hold him. “We can learn from this,” Kurt said.
"Perchance to Dream" - Oh, this fic. I love this fic. I wanted some sleepy Kurt (including waking up saying something a bit odd), I wanted a little outside perspective on the boys, and I wanted some Blaine and Finn bonding. Add in some Shakespeare and you get this story. :) It was so much fun to write in Finn's POV, the first non-Kurt or -Blaine POV I'd used in this fandom, and I just totally fell in love with it. There's a very partial sequel sitting in my WiP files.
I wish I had more to say about this fic, but I just really had the best time writing it. Here's my favorite part, which I love for the contrast between private Kurt and public Kurt, one of the things I find most intriguing about the character (even though I'd like more of it in canon, please):
[Kurt, upon waking,] sees Blaine first and gives him a warm smile. “Hi,” he says so gently that Finn feels like he’s intruded on something more intimate than the whole horizontal kissing thing.
“Hi,” Blaine says back.
“Uh,” Finn says, standing and almost knocking over his chair.
Kurt sits upright abruptly like a marionette whose strings have been pulled taut. All of the sleepy softness is gone and has been replaced by a wariness Finn knows all too well. “Finn? What are you doing in here?”
That's quite vivid to me, and it also just barely soothes the edge of my longing for moments of Kurt and Blaine in canon being in private with their barriers down.
"Than the Sum of its Parts" - Oh, lord, where to begin with this fic? It was supposed to be three or four scenes long about the increasing comfort Kurt and Blaine felt with each other in terms of physical intimacy (not necessarily sexually, just being comfortable touching and being together) as time passed in their relationship. As a matter of fact, right until the end of my writing process it was called "Intimacies", but I changed it because I thought people would be confused at the lack of porn. To start I wrote... let's see, I wrote the first scene (Warblers practice where Blaine takes Kurt's hand, and I can still see that so clearly in my head) and at least one other, I can't remember what but it may have been what wound up as the last scene in the first part (Blaine saying he hates Kurt's clothes), and I think I had the Kurt taking Blaine's shirt off in his bedroom scene in a partial blob in my head, and it wasn't working. It was not working at all. I'd been chatting quite a bit with stoney321 and looking something over for her and tossed my scenes her way on a frustrated writing whim to see if I should just scrap the whole thing.
This was the best thing I have ever done in my life. Okay, maybe not my whole life, but this cry of frustration that led me to sharing very partial fic, something I never do even with people I know well (because most of the time the comments I get are completely unhelpful and just make me confused about what's in my brain instead of clarifying it for me), changed my fic writing life. I still am not sure why I broke one of my most unbroken rules of writing never to share fic not in full draft form. It was meant to be. She said very wise, helpful things, and she and bethynyc read and re-read parts of this fic as it grew from a 5,000 word at most story to a 30,000 word monster that took over my life. (I am not good at judging how long fics will be, usually by a magnitude of them turning out to be three or four times longer, but this was a particularly egregious example.) If you like anything about this fic, it's probably thanks to them. Honestly.
It's not clear (on purpose), but each section is a specific stage in Kurt and Blaine's early relationship, and I made a very deliberate decision to refer to canonical events as little as possible, though I obviously couldn't avoid Kurt's transfer back to McKinley. I wanted these to be extracanonical moments that stood on their own, expanding the breadth of their lives together and not just tacking on more related to what we saw on screen. I wanted more of them. I wanted their life with the cameras were off.
I'm really proud of Sum. It's not perfect, but it was a huge step for me in terms of tackling a bigger story in this fandom with a significant amount of time passing and people changing in it. I loved writing it. I love revisiting it in my mind and thinking about how I imagine their relationship changes over time. I love how the boys grow together and get more comfortable. I love the early kisses on the wall, the not-quite-thought-through seduction in the stacks in the library, Kurt dancing with Blaine at the end of the New Directions party (though I really wish I hadn't had him drink - I didn't want Blaine to drink because I thought that would be repetitive from BioTA and also that I'd like Blaine to learn from that, but I just never fully believed Kurt would drink even though in that setting he might be comfortable enough to if he were in the mood), and the few Brittany lines at the party. I love Kurt running to see Blaine in their brief overlap in the dining hall, I love Kurt learning to pick his clothes for different reasons, I love Kurt swinging up on the playground equipment (because, hello, he was a cheerleader - the boy is strong and bendy), I love Kurt and Blaine having trouble finding time to see each other after the transfer but making it work, and I love the intensity of their physical attraction in the last part, where they're not acting on it yet but are getting closer.
I love that the whole thing is canon-compliant for season 2, because then I don't have to hop-skip over things that aren't true in the show when I think about the story. This can be true. In my head, most of it is true. And I'm proud that I wrote the whole damn thing in Blaine's POV, because I'm so much more in tune with Kurt by default, and this was a real exploration of Blaine for me to try to get to know him well.
I also really like, and I'm not ashamed to admit it, the stud finder joke. It just felt so right to me for Blaine and Finn both to say it.
One thing that snuck up on me in this fic is the crystallization of one of my biggest bits of character canon; the scene where Blaine realizes he's in love with Kurt was a late addition based on a little comment of stoney321's that got my mind spinning, and the contrast of Kurt wanting to do things with Blaine vs. Blaine wanting to do whatever as long as it's with Kurt still stands in my mind. I think this is the first place I really wrote it out like that, but it's a key character thing for me. We can talk all day about how it probably comes from the ever-shifting characterization of Mr. Blaine Anderson and him being an addendum to Kurt instead of his own character in season 2, but since when it comes to my writing I take canon as character choice instead of screenwriter choice that's how the realities behind the screen settle out in my mind as parts of the boys.
As hard as it is for me to say it, I like that this fic exists, and I like that I wrote it. I rarely feel that way about my writing.
"Retail Therapy" - I had a lot of fits and starts while writing Sum, and this fic started as a scene in Sum that I scrapped. I liked parts of it, though, and reworked the words I had and added a bunch more to make a stand-alone scene that fits into the same 'verse if one likes. What I particularly valued in the concept, which is why I came back to it, is that Blaine doesn't quite understand why it's good that Kurt is so rude about fashion with his friends, because Blaine doesn't do rude. I also really enjoyed writing Kurt being rude honest. I didn't achieve what I wanted in this fic, but I had fun with it.
"Reflection" - I tried very hard not to write this fic. I don't like knowing I'm going to be jossed, and it seemed silly to spend my time writing a theoretical start to season 3 that would be proven wrong a minute into the first episode. I tried so, so hard not to write this fic. So hard.
It wouldn't leave me alone. Once I learned that Darren was going to be a full-time cast member, I started to think about how they'd incorporate Blaine into the show. I was fairly certain that Blaine would have to transfer in order for it to work, and although I avoided pretty much all spoilers for the season beyond that Darren was full-time and Chord had left (I didn't even know that Ashley wasn't coming back, as you can see from the fic) I found myself thinking about Blaine at McKinley a lot. Then I started to think about how Kurt would take Blaine being at McKinley, because, wow, are they different people and would have different lives there. I became overwhelmed with ideas. They ate my brain. Writing this fic was all I wanted to do with every minute of the day, even when I hated it, myself for writing it, and the creative process in gneeral.
There's a lot I could have done better with this story (pacing, pulling fewer punches, going a little deeper a few places, getting the scene with Kurt and Finn washing dishes when Kurt realizes people hate him - the most important scene in the fic for me - to match better what's in my head), but I'm still insanely proud of it, partially because I was incredibly close to scrapping it a couple of times, including when it was at 25,000 words and nearly finished. I had the tone wrong because I couldn't seem to write what was in my head, and stoney321 and bethynyc both told me in multiple drafts that I was being lazy and/or not hitting the right notes (though they said it more nicely). I also was very unsure if the format of short scenes worked, though they were helpful in assuring me it did for them. And I was torn about including any specific music, because I think if people aren't as in tune (pun intended) with the music an author picks it almost always alienates the reader instead of adding to the richness of the story.
Anyway, I tore the whole thing apart, shook it out, and put it back together. I fought hard to get this fic to do what I wanted it to, and they were great throughout the process. I couldn't have done it without them. I really could not. As much as I literally shed tears of frustration while writing this fic because of some of stoney321's comments, I appreciate their help more than I can possibly say. They got me to do what I needed to do. I like the end result of this story, I love what it says and how it ends, but even more I like that I conquered the damn thing.
I also think I handled the voices of the characters on the whole well. Making Kurt and Blaine be Kurt and Blaine is always important to me, but I also want the ensemble to sound like themselves, and there are some moments in this fic, particularly bits in the choir room, I'm exceptionally proud of in that regard. I also had more fun than I could have imagined writing the bit of Rachel we get before she and Kurt get slushied, which was a revelation to me, since I thought I would hate writing in her voice.
I honestly was unspoiled for season 3 (I'd stopped reading communities and Tumblr over the summer when spoilers first started popping up), and I am so tickled every time we see things from this fic pop up in canon, from "Last Friday Night" to the issue of passing to Blaine choosing Kurt over Dalton (which wasn't a choice here, because OMG Blaine it's a stupid decision in canon, but he realizes in this fic he would) to Blaine being one of the guys while Kurt is not. Part of what consumes me about Kurt and Blaine is how different they are and how people treat/respond to them because of that, and I feel vindicated in a way by my thoughts about them when I see echoes in canon.
(I just wish I'd gone all the way and had them compete for a part in a play, which I'd considered doing but thought was jumping the shark because we'd never seen much about the theater offerings at McKinley in any useful way. And there's no way I could have predicted Blaine's new fashion sense! Or his grade!)
Of all of the fic I've written this year, this one is a contender for my favorite. If Sum is the story of these two boys growing together in a relationship, this one is them facing similar challenges as individuals and making some different choices. It is more real to me in terms of them both (though we're focused on Kurt) dealing with the difficulties of navigating their lives at McKinley; Sum is largely them together against the world, while Reflection is more them dealing with the world being sometimes against them. It's also another step for me in terms of thinking of them as real boys beyond the show.
FWIW, Blaine's perspective about the events in this story is quite different and far more complicated for him than it seems from Kurt's eyes, but I made the very deliberate choice to stay tight in Kurt's narrow perspective.
"Freedom" - As the summer drew to a close, I wanted to get back to the summery fic I thought I was going to write. So I revisited Kurt and Blaine in a hammock as a thank you to stoney321 and a way to round out the hiatus. I wanted to capture the sense of freedom you have when it feels like the weight of the world is off of your shoulders; Blaine seems to carry a lot of responsibility and expectation, and I thought he might respond well not to having it there for a little while.
There are things I really like about this fic: the memory of driving alone for the first time, the image of Kurt on the front steps, the ease of the kiss in the kitchen, the strangeness of Kurt's jeans against Blaine's bare legs after shorts much of the summer, the sense of rising into the sky through the leaves, the way they touch, the lines they don't yet cross (which fit nicely into future canon, not that I knew that when writing)... I think I managed to touch on much of what I was trying to convey with this story.
"One Saturday Night" - And thus starts my trend of my writing week making me post fic just before a new episode airs, which I hate doing. I hadn't planned on finishing anything else after "Freedom" before season three started, though I had some longer ideas I was poking at, but some of the spoiler-friendly Glee fans on my friends list (I had stopped reading communities, as you may recall) were posting cryptic things about Kurt and Blaine and how great things were between them in 3x01 above cuts. I got mildly worried that they'd taken a huge step forward in their sexual relationship over the summer, which would be referred to in episode one, and I realized that I wanted to write about their first time on my own before I gave the boys back to the show for the season. So I did.
I am so glad I wrote this fic. Partially I just adore it and all of the ways it makes me laugh - from Blaine not understanding Kurt saying he's ready to "Gay, gay, gay" - and partially I'm glad that I had this out of my system long before 3x05 spoilers started to leak, but mostly the intimacy of this story is really precious to me. That they get to explore with each other and really act on being gay in a way they've never had the chance before is meaningful to me. It's a huge step for them as real boys. I like the care that they take with each other. I like the trust they have in each other. I like that they can laugh. I like that it all feel huge and overwhelming and awesome. Although obviously this is not the same set-up in 3x05 (which I also adore), I feel like the ideas are cut from the same cloth. I'm just glad I got to write it, too.
As a story, I wrote it very quickly and inside-out. I think the first pieces that were finished were bits of "gay, gay, gay," "I'm ready for more," and the Finn Cougar Town line. Usually I write fairly linearly, but in this case I wrote bits here and there and stitched them together. I don't generally like writing sex scenes if they feel like naked acrobatics without emotion; attacking the fic inside-out tends to get me around that, because I write the character moments and emotional beats first and then can write the sexual text around it. So it makes sense to me that I put the fic together that way, even though there's a heck of a lot that's not porn at all (including my first real Hudmel scene!).
I've seen people talk about what they think the hottest bits of their fics are in their own memes, and I don't generally think that way about my own writing, but this part hits me right in the chest every time:
He kisses Kurt slow and dirty and then gives into the urge to squeeze around Kurt’s erection. Kurt makes the best noise ever, a desperate, surprised groan, and then kisses him harder as Blaine slides his hand from root to tip, feeling his length, his thickness. He feels amazing, and Blaine is filled with aching, formless, endless desire. For him, for anything, for everything with him.
I'm not so interested in the acrobatics of sex when I read/write fic in terms of what I find hot; I'm interested in the emotion behind it, and I'm so very compelled by the idea of desire, of wanting, and of getting to act on it.
This is absolutely one of my favorite fics of the year. Also, it's the first place I voice, I think, that Blaine is going to like giving blow jobs, which I just think he will/does.
"A Goal Without a Plan is Just a Wish" - My first episode tag of season 3! My first fic in season 3 where I set out to answer a problem that was niggling at me! In 3x01, I was deeply touched and intrigued by the despair Kurt feels at suddenly realizing getting out of Ohio and following his dreams would be harder than he thought; I come back to this issue in later fic, as well as Rachel's mirror of the same emotion. I was also struck by the fact that Kurt running for student government was one of the weirdest ideas I'd ever heard; this is a kid who was bullied, marginalized, and chased out of the school, and he seemed to hate or at least express disdain for the majority of the student body. Plus, student government is a popularity contest, and Kurt may think highly of himself but isn't so blind to think that he's popular.
So as much as I thought that was a strange choice on the part of the writers, I decided - because I approach what the characters do on screen as coming from them and not the people behind the curtain pulling the strings - to figure out why Kurt would think this was a good idea, despite the fact that it was clearly not going to go smoothly. I like my solution and feel it fits him, and obviously we see later on in the season that the show writers came up with the same reasoning. It just was not clear in 3x01.
"Just Thursday" I did not write an episode tag for 3x02, despite flailing at the screen during most of the episode, because I really wanted to see the Kurt/Blaine Tony-related fall-out... which we didn't really get in the way I was craving in terms of conversation (though the flowers are a lovely gesture, and it reaffirmed my belief in the Kurt in my head and heart), but of course I didn't know that. Instead I started to work on a long future AU in which Kurt and Blaine break up at the end of Kurt's senior year and meet up years later, and it depressed the hell out of me and was so impossible to write, so I gave up on that (it's still in my -iP folder, and I pull it out occasionally) and wrote a bit of future smutty fluff with a nice quiet intimacy to cheer myself up.
This fic is what it is, and I make no apologies. The boys are sweet. They're in love. They have sex. It's Thursday. :)
"Celebration" - 3x03 tag. I had some trouble with Blaine in the first part of the season, not so much what was on screen of him but how I could reconcile that with the dapper, preppy, boy Blaine was in my head from the last season and how that connected with his new wardrobe and age and whatnot. So when I went to work on this tag, I wrote it first from Kurt's perspective because I didn't trust my inner Blaine, and the fic didn't work at all. Writing it was like slogging through mud. Fortunately, the ever-helpful stoney321 told me I could still write Blaine even if I didn't understand all of his sartorial choices (more on this in the next fic), and when I realized I was trying to tell his story and scrapped the other attempt things went much better.
It's another Lima Bean fic, the first in which Blaine likes kitchen sink cookies, and a continuation of my belief that Blaine is a cookie fanatic in general. I quite like the Kurt in this story, actually, despite the focus being on Blaine. I also got to deal with some of the Tony fall-out and how Kurt deals with jealousy. He has grown in canon. Oh, and I got to incorporate some of my summer headcanon of Hudmel + Blaine + Rachel game night, including the Blaine-Finn partnership I wanted for them.
It's not a subtle fic to my eyes, but I needed to write it. I also needed to write this line: “We’re always on the same side, Blaine,” [Kurt] said gently. “Even when we’re competing against each other.” I didn't know I needed to write it, but I did. Because it's true. I love that about them.
"Ties" Whoa, boy, okay. Ties. This was a big one for me. Where to start with this story? It is obviously one of those fics where I was bothered by something in canon - namely Blaine's clothing choices being so drastically different between s2 and s3 (and I don't mean the loss of the blazer - we see him in casual clothing in s2, too) - and had to figure out why it would be so. I got to thinking about how Kurt and Blaine use clothing differently, was/am obsessed with the issue of Blaine passing and Kurt not (and how Kurt doesn't even try, not that he should, no no no, but that it's not often on his radar to have to blend in beyond s1 even at Dalton - I adore this about him as a character), and how Blaine manifests his self-confidence, sexuality, and charm. The "It's Not Unusual" performance featured large in my thoughts.
So, per usual, I blathered at stoney321 via e-mail and then ended up with a story. It is stylistically complicated in terms of sections, tone, and tense changes, but it felt right to me. I'm mostly pleased with how it came out, but I definitely like the message beneath. It reconciled my Blaine issues, I got to deal with "Prom Queen" again around Blaine wanting to blend in vs. Kurt wanting to stand out, and it just generally was satisfying to write. It was also hard, because I don't like writing backstory for Blaine because of the whole hating-to-be-jossed issue, but I stuck close enough to what we know that I was comfortable with what I created. I also like the contrast of Blaine shopping for Sadie Hawkins and for Prom.
Part of what I like overall is that although there's quite a bit of Kurt and, I think, some good insights into him throughout the fic, this is really a Blaine story in the way that "Reflection" is a Kurt story. This is me working at honoring real, individual, independent boys as well as their relationship. I'm proud of this fic. I'm proud of what I did and said with it. It's not perfect, but it's still a contender for my favorite fic of the year.
(This is also one of those fics, like "Reflection," "I Want to Tell You" (below), and a few others, where as I was writing it I'd badger stoney with the whine that it was all so obvious and everybody already knew all this and I was the slow one. It was a relief to find in people's comments that they hadn't thought about the question at all or hadn't come up with an answer but that my ideas made sense to them. I hate to write the obvious things everybody knows over and over like it's something new. I'm sure I do it, but I'm trying not to waste all of our time with it.)
"Fall, Falling" - After "Ties" I needed to write something sweet and fun. Fall is my favorite season, and so I decided to write a fic set in the season much like my summery hammock fics. I'd also started to think a lot about Blaine wanting Kurt, wanting to be more affectionate in public (see the aborted stairway kiss in 3x03), and just wanting, so that came into the picture, too. Also, I am obsessed with scarves in the fall and winter, and I wanted Kurt to have a moment to enjoy his own wardrobe. ;)
This exchange makes me smile:
“Scarves,” Kurt said with a dreamy sigh that Blaine had a few seconds before thought was only ever related to Kurt talking about him.
“Scarves?” he asked a little sharply, but that was his dreamy sigh.
Kurt toyed with the collar of his shirt like he was imagining wearing one with it; his fingers at his throat distracted Blaine for a second. “Yes.”
“But you wore scarves all summer.”
“Those were summer scarves,” Kurt told him. “Now it’s time for wool scarves. Alpaca. Silk blends. Cashmere. And coats. Gloves. Hats.” Kurt turned to him, his eyes alight. “Hats, Blaine.”
But my real take-away from this fic is Blaine wanting more, more from Kurt, more acceptance from the world around them. It's: He wanted Kurt to want to be less cautious and to be just as affectionate and the way then Kurt does show affection. They're not totally in sync, these two, but they are in love.
"The Other Half of the Equation" - Oh, this fic. I'd started writing the Kurt-POV parallel fic to Sum soon after I finished the original story. I had bits I definitely wanted to tell from his POV. I poked at it here and there around my other projects and had it mostly as you read it for a long time, except that originally it was supposed to parallel the five part structure and timeline of Sum, and I couldn't bring myself to write it.
I'd sent it to stoney321 (she pops up a lot, doesn't she? If I didn't have her, I wouldn't have written about two-thirds of the fics in this post.) a number of times as I came back to it, and finally I just sent her thing awfully whining e-mail in which I basically realized I didn't want it to parallel Sum in structure and that Kurt's story is very different from Blaine's. Once they're in a stable relationship and prove that he can go back to McKinley, Kurt isn't worried about Blaine. He's got a calmer core, Kurt does. Once they're kind of established, he's just moving on with his life with his wonderful boyfriend. The new revelations for Blaine continue in a way that Kurt just keeps learning but keeps going. So I stopped fretting and wrapped up the fic the way I should have been able to do months before.
I don't know what to say about it. I adore Kurt, so I generally love writing in his POV. I love the first scene of Kurt pulling up to Dalton; it got it to do exactly what I wanted. I like the concept of Kurt being jumpy and overwhelmed at first but increasingly more confident in touching and being touched. I love Kurt calling Blaine out for being too chivalrous. I like Blaine bringing Kurt the rose, which I wrote well before 3x03. I like Blaine falling asleep on him. I don't know, there's a lot I like. I feel like I missed the mark in terms of some of the pacing and points being either too subtle or too obvious from me staring at this fic for too damn long, but I'm happy I wrote it.
All We've Ever Done - More freewriting. I wanted desperately to get some words out before Glee came back from hiatus before 3x04, and I was having the devil of a time with all of the big fics in my head. So I freewrote this sweet future fic. I'd been struggling with a fic about Kurt and Blaine dancing together in various important points in their lives, but it had ended up feeling too much like I was treading the same path in canon over and over, so I used the concept of dancing and wrote them in the future in New York.
It's sweet. It has Francesca and Blaine-the-little-girl-magnet. It has private vs. public Kurt. It has another Buffy-related title. It's far from perfect, but I make no apologies. :)
"While You're Busy Making Other Plans" - 3x04 tag. I really got caught up in the idea of Kurt realizing life is moving on around him in this episode, as well as the conflict between Blaine and Finn and the fact that Kurt is on the outside of the leadership of the group. Oh, and more of Kurt and Blaine pushing the boundaries in their relationship. Somehow I tied them all together and wrote a story about it. My initial idea was very mopey, but I think I was able to get enough distance from that that the story is enjoyable. I'm not sure I accomplished what I wanted to, but I will forever be happy with this part:
[Kurt] had all of these plans for what he was going to do, to have, in New York. He had plans for where he wanted to live, what school he would attend, what clothes he would wear, what parts he would play. He had so many plans around leaving.
What he hadn’t quite recognized was that everybody else was moving on with their lives, too. His dad was running against Sue and would have to be in Washington at least part of the time if he won. Finn was going to go to college or whatever it was he was going to do; he might even manage the shop and be the guy with the easy smile who came over to handle the hardest customers instead of Kurt’s father. Blaine would be in a new New Directions, with different members, with people who could replace Kurt and Rachel and Puck and Finn and everyone else who was graduating, if not their specific personalities then at least their voices. Blaine would probably be leading it, or at least he should be, having new experiences and singing new songs without Kurt, and it was all so different. With the girls gone to Shelby’s group, it already was different.
That feels real to me.
"Together" - This is a fic from my heart. I was sick as anything and put off going to the doctor because I had to write this story. I love pretty much everything about this fic, and I say this as a person who hates my fic 98% of the time. I am so happy about the intimacy of it, the changes and not changes in their relationship, the details of touch between them, just all of it. I didn't want to write the porn; I wanted to write the emotion.
This is canon for me.
If I have to pick lines I like best I would say:
The rumbling of Blaine’s stomach and the necessity of cleaning up might have forced them from his bed, but Kurt’s not ready to pull back on all of the trappings of the Kurt he is to the outside world. If he’s honest, it would hurt to do it right now. He’s not ready to lose the connection they’ve built between them.
and
The tips of Blaine’s fingers rub a gentle circle on Kurt’s stomach above the waistband of his jeans, and that’s definitely new, too. It’s a liberty Blaine wouldn’t have taken before tonight. It’s wonderful, though. It’s totally wonderful. It’s arousing in an abstract way, but even more it’s comforting, because it’s not meant to be arousing. Blaine’s looking over at his sandwiches, half-distracted by them, and just touching Kurt because he wants to be touching him. Maybe he needs to be, just as much as Kurt needs to be touching him.
"(Not) the Same" - I had to write about 3x05 from Blaine's perspective. I just had to, because I think the aftermath is more confusing for him, both in terms of his confidence and in terms of his reactions to the car fight and Sebastian. Originally I was going to put the initial plan for this fic as the second part of "Together," but stoney321 was wise when she said I should let them each stand on their own. She was so right.
I fought with this fic, partially because I was still quite sick, but think I pulled it together more or less. It's mostly what I was trying to say. I like Kurt's venom about Sebastian and Blaine's attraction to Sebastian's forwardness. I like how Blaine can't stop thinking about the other night, what it means, how great it was, and how he wants more of Kurt. I like how Blaine can't quite keep himself together the way Kurt can; this has become a theme for me, much like the whole private vs. public Kurt thing has developed. And I like that they talk about it all. One of the great joys of writing this pairing is that Kurt and Blaine talk. It is pretty much never OOC for one of them to call the other out on something. It's glorious. Not only is it great for them as characters, but it's such a freeing thing as a writer to be able to let them speak if I can figure out what they think and how much they understand of each other and themselves.
"Out" - I had such a strong reaction to Finn outing Santana in 3x06 that I could barely breathe the entire time I wrote this fic. I'm not sure if I was able to make the words portray everything that I was feeling, because I couldn't get a lot of distance, but this is what I wanted to say. This is what I think Kurt and Blaine did. They'd rally around. Kurt would snap to it and make himself make a plan; Blaine would immediately want to help but be struck a bit by his own past before he could pull on his mentor voice. They'd do it together, and they'd be there for her.
In some ways, I feel like this is one of the most important fics I've written, which seems kind of weird to me as it is so very short. I just feel very fiercely about the subject, and I think Kurt and Blaine would, too.
I wish we'd seen more of this in canon beyond "Perfect."
"Touch" - More freewriting, more fic about the aftermath about 3x05, more about Blaine wanting and feeling stifled by society and whatnot. I'm happy with the visuals here and the style of the piece.
"Leading Men" - I got to write Rachel! That's probably why this fic didn't get as many comments as others of mine, but I loved writing in her POV. She is insanely unreliable as a narrator, and I laughed my way through the writing process. I love her, but she's such a self-centered person.
Not only am I back thinking about 3x05 here, but I very much wanted to explore the relationship between Rachel and Blaine. They take each other seriously. Since we knew they'd discussed losing their virginities before it happened, I wanted to play that out a little further.
I love the glimpses we get of Rachel missing Kurt, too. I could have gone on and on about that, but it wasn't the place for it. But through her eyes we see some of the changes in Kurt and the happiness he's feeling post 3x05. It works for me. This was one of my favorite fics to write this year.
"Thankful" - A little Thanksgiving sweetness. I originally was going to write a bit for pretty much all of the Glee characters, but I decided against it and just wrote the ones who spoke to me. The Kurt and Blaine parts make me particularly happy. And the Rory part, actually.
"I Want to Tell You" - It's another problem-solving fic. I'd been thinking all season about Kurt and Blaine and their performances, that Blaine doesn't sing all that much to Kurt this season (even when Kurt's there Blaine divides his attention) but way more importantly that Kurt hasn't sung to Blaine or even had a solo with him there. I chewed on this question for a while, about why they sing and what it means to them, and came up with a fic. Originally I began to write a 3 times Kurt didn't sing to Blaine and one time he did fic, but this is what it became and should have been from the start.
I set it after 3x05, so again there's the question of how things have changed between them and what they should be doing/saying/feeling when they're together. I like that question a lot, too, as you might have noticed, and I use that issue to move into the singing one. I think it says real, interesting things about them. This is another story where I was sure the entire fandom had figured it all out except for me. I fretted a little, too, about the inclusion of music/lyrics but saw no way around it and chose to stick with a Beatles theme because they transcend generation and genre.
For a fic that I adore, one of my top of the year, I apparently have very little to say about it. I think it speaks for itself. :)
More in part two!