Fic: H50: Steve the Survivor Meets his Fans, PG
My first fic in this fandom, and of course it is an AU. A crazy, crazy AU of which this is just the tip of the iceberg in my head. *headdesk*
This fic was made possible by the magic of Google Docs, which allowed me to work on it on my desktop, laptop, and iPad without annoying file transfers. My fic-writing life has been changed forever!
Title: "Steve the Survivor Meets his Fans" 1/1
Author: flaming muse
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Pairings: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG (a little language)
Word count: approx. 1400
Summary: In which Steve stars in an extreme wilderness survival show, Danny is his long-suffering producer, and they meet some fans.
Spoilers: none
Warnings: AU
Disclaimers: The characters belong to various corporate Powers That Be. I make absolutely no profit from playing with them.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback is lovely!
“Of course, the real worry out here in the desert is dehydration,” Danny heard Steve saying. Cell phone still at his ear, he turned around in growing horror to see Steve addressing a harried-looking woman with a small, rapt boy beside her. “If you can find the right kind of succulent, you can bore a hole with your knife and - “
“Sorry, ma’am, but Steve is late for his next event,” Danny said, ending his call without warning (Chin was used to it and would probably do a better job editing “Steve the Survivor’s Arctic Tundra Special” without Danny’s input, though Danny would never admit it aloud) and taking a deceptively firm hold of Steve’s arm. "He'll be doing a meet-and-greet at four in the east ballroom if you'd like to stop by and say hello."
“Come on, Danno, Billy just wanted to know how to survive out here,” Steve said. He tugged a little against Danny's grip. “I was giving a few pointers.”
“My advice is to stay away from this guy,” Danny told the two onlookers with a forced smile. “He’s always finding himself in the middle of nowhere with only a knife and a camera.” He started to tug Steve away.
“Bye, Steve the Survivor,” Billy said with a wave. Steve waved back over his shoulder.
“What the hell do you think you were doing?” Danny asked in a low growl as he dragged Steve toward the elevator.
“Mingling with the fans.”
“That isn’t mingling. Mingling is ‘Nice weather we’re having’ and ‘How ‘bout those Giants?’ Mingling is asking them about their trip. Mingling is giving them your autograph and sending them on their way. Mingling is not telling them how to disembowel a cactus!”
“You can’t disembowel a cactus. It’s a plant.”
“I swear to god, Steven.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “Look, they asked me what to do if they had to survive here in the desert. I told them.”
"You told that woman and her son how to survive here."
"Yes."
"Here in the desert."
"Yes,” Steve snapped.
“Okay, one - “ Danny let go of Steve’s arm to count the points off on his fingers. “ - we are in the desert, yes, okay, sure, technically we are. We are also in a resort hotel. A resort hotel that is frighteningly large and filled with staff who smile too much, maybe, but I don’t think anybody is in danger of dehydrating in the five yards between the smoothie bar and the water feature, which, yes, I wouldn’t drink from except in a dire emergency and possibly not even then, but - “
“Danny...”
“I am nowhere near finished.” He stabbed the up button for the elevator seven times before ticking off his next point. “Two, because we are in said resort hotel, if heat exhaustion were imminent, instead of trying to find a cool spot in the shady side of a sand dune the real decision for survival is to choose between the air conditioned lobby and the pool. Actually, there are several pools. Of different temperatures. Some, according to the expert eyes of one Miss Grace Williams, have slides.”
"Danny - "
"Three, if for some reason they were dropped here with only a knife and a camera to aid them, they could walk to the nearest courtesy phone and have a room, a meal, and a fruity drink arranged for them in about ten seconds. Even Grace could figure that out. What am I saying? Even Kono's new baby cousin could figure it out."
The doors of the elevator finally slid open. “Danny, the kid asked about surviving in the desert. The real desert, without pools or air conditioning.”
“Don’t forget the all-important smoothie bar.”
Steve just glared at him, and Danny pushed the button for their floor.
“Fine. Okay, good, fine. The kid asked about the desert. The real desert. You start talking about knives, succulents, and - “ He scrunched his face up as he tried to remember what Steve had been saying in the background while he’d been on the phone with Chin. “ - did I hear something about skinning snakes?”
Steve nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.
Trying to keep his voice to a reasonable level if only so they wouldn’t end up on the pages of some glossy tabloid (yet again) for arguing in public, Danny groaned and pulled at his hair. “Did you see the kid? He is five. Five! You don’t talk about knives with a five-year-old except to say not to touch them! You definitely don’t give them ideas about hacking up household plants and small woodland creatures!”
“I was talking about desert creatures.”
“Yes, thank you, Mr. Steve the Survivor, for that helpful clarification. Meanwhile, Timmy’s mom will be sending you the bills for replanting her garden and, let's see, her son’s trip to the hospital when he gets bitten by a rattlesnake!”
“His name is Billy.”
Danny watched the floor number tick upward on the elevator display and contemplated just how much beer he wished he could drink in the next five seconds.
“I thought the whole point of the show was education,” Steve said more quietly. When Danny looked over, Steve had that little line between his brows that meant he was honestly confused. “I know we’ve got to think about ratings and sponsors, but, at the end of the day, it’s about teaching stuff in a fun way, right? I was teaching.”
Right. Right. That’s why Danny liked his job so much, liked working with Steve so much. They were teaching. They were having fun. Well, Steve was having fun crawling around in the dirt and skinning snakes, and Danny was having less fun spending every day in a state of low panic at the production camp site until he knew Steve was safe. But Steve was passionate about what he was doing, and so was Danny, maybe for different reasons, but passionate about Steve worked, too.
Still, he might have lost his head of steam, but the conversation was not over. He rolled his shoulders and said as calmly as he could manage, “Did you happen to mention anything to the kid about staying with an adult when he was outdoors or somewhere new?”
Steve winced.
“How about that you do this show for fun and that he shouldn’t be scared about thinking he has to do this stuff on his own?”
“No,” Steve admitted. “But you kind of cut me off.”
Danny gave him a flat stare. “Look, I seriously question the wisdom of that lady letting her five-year-old watch the show, and I know you’re like compulsively excited about being dropped in the middle of nowhere and having to do crazy stuff to live, but if you’re going to do this meet-your-fans deal you’ve got to learn when to give the short answer. The short, polite, detail-free answer.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“You’re going to give me an ulcer,” Danny said to the ceiling. “Possibly in the next three seconds.”
“Maybe you should eat better.” There was laughter in the words, barely contained, and it made Danny relax just a bit.
“I should eat better?” Danny turned on him, hands waving. “I should eat better? You eat snakes and grubs, babe. Snakes and grubs. I’ve got miles of film to prove it.”
Steve’s mouth twisted into a full grin. “Don’t forget beetles.”
“And beetles. Ugh. I don’t know why I let you kiss me. There is not enough mouthwash in the world, my friend.”
Not waiting for an answer, Danny pushed out into the hallway as the elevator doors opened. A small knot of Steve’s fans happened to be standing there, and their eyes went wide to see him appear in front of them.
Danny pulled out his phone with a sigh and stepped a couple of yards away as the women crowded around Steve and started to take pictures. Time to stand around and wait for the star to greet his adoring fans. As the ladies rearranged themselves, though, Steve smiled at Danny over his shoulder, warm and knowing, and Danny felt a thrill run up his spine. Had the air conditioning gone out? It was suddenly very warm.
“Fuck,” he muttered, turning away so he wouldn’t be tempted to grab Steve again and push him into their suite. Yeah, he sure as hell knew why he let Steve kiss him.
Still, he’d better tell Kamekona to make sure the production had enough mouthwash.
~end~
This fic was made possible by the magic of Google Docs, which allowed me to work on it on my desktop, laptop, and iPad without annoying file transfers. My fic-writing life has been changed forever!
Title: "Steve the Survivor Meets his Fans" 1/1
Author: flaming muse
Fandom: Hawaii Five-0
Pairings: Steve/Danny
Rating: PG (a little language)
Word count: approx. 1400
Summary: In which Steve stars in an extreme wilderness survival show, Danny is his long-suffering producer, and they meet some fans.
Spoilers: none
Warnings: AU
Disclaimers: The characters belong to various corporate Powers That Be. I make absolutely no profit from playing with them.
Distribution: Please ask.
Feedback is lovely!
“Of course, the real worry out here in the desert is dehydration,” Danny heard Steve saying. Cell phone still at his ear, he turned around in growing horror to see Steve addressing a harried-looking woman with a small, rapt boy beside her. “If you can find the right kind of succulent, you can bore a hole with your knife and - “
“Sorry, ma’am, but Steve is late for his next event,” Danny said, ending his call without warning (Chin was used to it and would probably do a better job editing “Steve the Survivor’s Arctic Tundra Special” without Danny’s input, though Danny would never admit it aloud) and taking a deceptively firm hold of Steve’s arm. "He'll be doing a meet-and-greet at four in the east ballroom if you'd like to stop by and say hello."
“Come on, Danno, Billy just wanted to know how to survive out here,” Steve said. He tugged a little against Danny's grip. “I was giving a few pointers.”
“My advice is to stay away from this guy,” Danny told the two onlookers with a forced smile. “He’s always finding himself in the middle of nowhere with only a knife and a camera.” He started to tug Steve away.
“Bye, Steve the Survivor,” Billy said with a wave. Steve waved back over his shoulder.
“What the hell do you think you were doing?” Danny asked in a low growl as he dragged Steve toward the elevator.
“Mingling with the fans.”
“That isn’t mingling. Mingling is ‘Nice weather we’re having’ and ‘How ‘bout those Giants?’ Mingling is asking them about their trip. Mingling is giving them your autograph and sending them on their way. Mingling is not telling them how to disembowel a cactus!”
“You can’t disembowel a cactus. It’s a plant.”
“I swear to god, Steven.”
Steve rolled his eyes. “Look, they asked me what to do if they had to survive here in the desert. I told them.”
"You told that woman and her son how to survive here."
"Yes."
"Here in the desert."
"Yes,” Steve snapped.
“Okay, one - “ Danny let go of Steve’s arm to count the points off on his fingers. “ - we are in the desert, yes, okay, sure, technically we are. We are also in a resort hotel. A resort hotel that is frighteningly large and filled with staff who smile too much, maybe, but I don’t think anybody is in danger of dehydrating in the five yards between the smoothie bar and the water feature, which, yes, I wouldn’t drink from except in a dire emergency and possibly not even then, but - “
“Danny...”
“I am nowhere near finished.” He stabbed the up button for the elevator seven times before ticking off his next point. “Two, because we are in said resort hotel, if heat exhaustion were imminent, instead of trying to find a cool spot in the shady side of a sand dune the real decision for survival is to choose between the air conditioned lobby and the pool. Actually, there are several pools. Of different temperatures. Some, according to the expert eyes of one Miss Grace Williams, have slides.”
"Danny - "
"Three, if for some reason they were dropped here with only a knife and a camera to aid them, they could walk to the nearest courtesy phone and have a room, a meal, and a fruity drink arranged for them in about ten seconds. Even Grace could figure that out. What am I saying? Even Kono's new baby cousin could figure it out."
The doors of the elevator finally slid open. “Danny, the kid asked about surviving in the desert. The real desert, without pools or air conditioning.”
“Don’t forget the all-important smoothie bar.”
Steve just glared at him, and Danny pushed the button for their floor.
“Fine. Okay, good, fine. The kid asked about the desert. The real desert. You start talking about knives, succulents, and - “ He scrunched his face up as he tried to remember what Steve had been saying in the background while he’d been on the phone with Chin. “ - did I hear something about skinning snakes?”
Steve nodded and crossed his arms over his chest.
Trying to keep his voice to a reasonable level if only so they wouldn’t end up on the pages of some glossy tabloid (yet again) for arguing in public, Danny groaned and pulled at his hair. “Did you see the kid? He is five. Five! You don’t talk about knives with a five-year-old except to say not to touch them! You definitely don’t give them ideas about hacking up household plants and small woodland creatures!”
“I was talking about desert creatures.”
“Yes, thank you, Mr. Steve the Survivor, for that helpful clarification. Meanwhile, Timmy’s mom will be sending you the bills for replanting her garden and, let's see, her son’s trip to the hospital when he gets bitten by a rattlesnake!”
“His name is Billy.”
Danny watched the floor number tick upward on the elevator display and contemplated just how much beer he wished he could drink in the next five seconds.
“I thought the whole point of the show was education,” Steve said more quietly. When Danny looked over, Steve had that little line between his brows that meant he was honestly confused. “I know we’ve got to think about ratings and sponsors, but, at the end of the day, it’s about teaching stuff in a fun way, right? I was teaching.”
Right. Right. That’s why Danny liked his job so much, liked working with Steve so much. They were teaching. They were having fun. Well, Steve was having fun crawling around in the dirt and skinning snakes, and Danny was having less fun spending every day in a state of low panic at the production camp site until he knew Steve was safe. But Steve was passionate about what he was doing, and so was Danny, maybe for different reasons, but passionate about Steve worked, too.
Still, he might have lost his head of steam, but the conversation was not over. He rolled his shoulders and said as calmly as he could manage, “Did you happen to mention anything to the kid about staying with an adult when he was outdoors or somewhere new?”
Steve winced.
“How about that you do this show for fun and that he shouldn’t be scared about thinking he has to do this stuff on his own?”
“No,” Steve admitted. “But you kind of cut me off.”
Danny gave him a flat stare. “Look, I seriously question the wisdom of that lady letting her five-year-old watch the show, and I know you’re like compulsively excited about being dropped in the middle of nowhere and having to do crazy stuff to live, but if you’re going to do this meet-your-fans deal you’ve got to learn when to give the short answer. The short, polite, detail-free answer.”
“Look who’s talking.”
“You’re going to give me an ulcer,” Danny said to the ceiling. “Possibly in the next three seconds.”
“Maybe you should eat better.” There was laughter in the words, barely contained, and it made Danny relax just a bit.
“I should eat better?” Danny turned on him, hands waving. “I should eat better? You eat snakes and grubs, babe. Snakes and grubs. I’ve got miles of film to prove it.”
Steve’s mouth twisted into a full grin. “Don’t forget beetles.”
“And beetles. Ugh. I don’t know why I let you kiss me. There is not enough mouthwash in the world, my friend.”
Not waiting for an answer, Danny pushed out into the hallway as the elevator doors opened. A small knot of Steve’s fans happened to be standing there, and their eyes went wide to see him appear in front of them.
Danny pulled out his phone with a sigh and stepped a couple of yards away as the women crowded around Steve and started to take pictures. Time to stand around and wait for the star to greet his adoring fans. As the ladies rearranged themselves, though, Steve smiled at Danny over his shoulder, warm and knowing, and Danny felt a thrill run up his spine. Had the air conditioning gone out? It was suddenly very warm.
“Fuck,” he muttered, turning away so he wouldn’t be tempted to grab Steve again and push him into their suite. Yeah, he sure as hell knew why he let Steve kiss him.
Still, he’d better tell Kamekona to make sure the production had enough mouthwash.
~end~