fic: oz, tim/various, pg-13 or adult or something.
Poor Tim. Everybody thinks he's a slut. So I made a list, to show that he's not. No, really!
ten people tim mcmanus didn't sleep with
[oz, tim/various (slash warnings apply), somewhat adult-rated, hbo etc owns, i don't. vague spoilers for first 3 seasons or so. this isn't exactly humor, but it's definitely less than serious.]
1. Claire Howell. Or at least so he wishes. The fact was that Claire had been really very creepy even during their first fuck, so he always wonders why there was a second one, and sort of a third one if you count the blowjob in his office (he doesn't). Jesus. If he could rewrite history, he'd write Claire out of his own.
2. Sean Murphy. Because Sean's pretty close to being his best friend and anyway, Tim doesn't swing that way (most of the time). But if he did, and if Sean did, who knows, but Tim doesn't think about that, really (no, really). And none of that teenage experimental stuff counts, anyway, and even though Tim didn't vote for Clinton, that guy had it right about the blowjob thing - it's not really sex. But really the point is, Tim hasn't slept with Sean and he won't. Maybe.
3. Leo Glynn. And what happens under the Oswald State Correctional Facility Staff Christmas Party mistletoe, stays under that same damn mistletoe, at least if Tim wants to keep his job and Em City. So Tim's a good employee, who doesn't kiss and tell (literally), even though there were rumors, and they didn't have a party the next year, or the year after that, or any Christmas after that.
4. Farah Fawcett. But he thought about it. A lot. Usually with his dick between his fingers.
5. Kareem Said. Though he did once tell him, “I don't know whether I want to kiss you or kill you,” and Said just smiled at him in that aggravatingly self-assured way of his. Tim did probably mean he wanted to kill Said more than kiss him, but then he wondered about the latter option, but didn't really consider it. Really. He's not that big of a slut, no matter what anybody says.
6. This really foxy little redhead Leo had hired as a secretary before some prisoner scared her off by talking to her about wanting to cut off her ears. Not a day goes by without Tim regretting that he never asked her out, and sometimes he thinks about how really the girl should've been flattered, since it's not like that psycho wants to keep everybody's ears in a jar. One should learn to recognize a compliment and take it.
7. Tobias Beecher. In some tragic moment of Beecher's personal gay prison drama, where he was suffering from severe Keller-withdrawal and obviously in need of cock-in-the-ass, he found his way into Tim's office, looking depressed and desperate - as if it had been his absolute final resort. Tim listened to him talking for a while, trying to remember why Beecher and Keller were currently separated. Either way, he was less than flattered by Beecher's advances and so he just sucked in a breath and said, as apologetically as possible, “I'm just not that into lawyers.” Beecher left without saying another word, looking even more depressed and desperate than he had been when he entered. All in a day's work, Tim thought and figured he had just dodged a Chris Keller-sized jealousy bullet heading his way rather successfully.
8. Simon Adebisi. Once after a heated argument with some prisoner, probably O'Reily, Adebisi had entered the McManus office just as Tim was yelling his standard reply to 'fuck you', “Yeah, fuck me!”. Unfortunately the prisoner caught less of it than Adebisi did, and judging from the grin on his face, Adebisi seemed oddly willing to take up on Tim's offer, which scared the bejesus out of Tim. Thankfully that event never took place, but it didn't stop Tim from having disturbing nightmares about it for weeks.
9. Leo Glynn's sister. At least if Leo asks - this is something the whole staff, down to every measly CO, knows. They just happened to be in the same restaurant this one time, and he never escorted her back into her house, or stayed for tea. Tim swears. Nothing happened.
10. God. After his various encounters and discussions with Ray, Sister Marie and Kareem (though with Said, every discussion became a one-sided speech of Said's, and Tim just had to stand there and look as if he gave a fuck about what Allah thought about justice), Tim's begun to refer himself as an agnostic instead of an atheist. He figures they mean nearly the same thing, but agnosticism offends God a bit less and the bottom line is, Tim McManus does not want to fuck with God.
***
Yeah, I know Tim probably doesn't swing that way AT ALL but I wanted to toy around with the possibility anyway. Besides, Murphy's hot. Like Timmy wouldn't. Really.
And yes, I know the list pretty much proves Tim's a slut. Ah well. :D
ten people tim mcmanus didn't sleep with
[oz, tim/various (slash warnings apply), somewhat adult-rated, hbo etc owns, i don't. vague spoilers for first 3 seasons or so. this isn't exactly humor, but it's definitely less than serious.]
1. Claire Howell. Or at least so he wishes. The fact was that Claire had been really very creepy even during their first fuck, so he always wonders why there was a second one, and sort of a third one if you count the blowjob in his office (he doesn't). Jesus. If he could rewrite history, he'd write Claire out of his own.
2. Sean Murphy. Because Sean's pretty close to being his best friend and anyway, Tim doesn't swing that way (most of the time). But if he did, and if Sean did, who knows, but Tim doesn't think about that, really (no, really). And none of that teenage experimental stuff counts, anyway, and even though Tim didn't vote for Clinton, that guy had it right about the blowjob thing - it's not really sex. But really the point is, Tim hasn't slept with Sean and he won't. Maybe.
3. Leo Glynn. And what happens under the Oswald State Correctional Facility Staff Christmas Party mistletoe, stays under that same damn mistletoe, at least if Tim wants to keep his job and Em City. So Tim's a good employee, who doesn't kiss and tell (literally), even though there were rumors, and they didn't have a party the next year, or the year after that, or any Christmas after that.
4. Farah Fawcett. But he thought about it. A lot. Usually with his dick between his fingers.
5. Kareem Said. Though he did once tell him, “I don't know whether I want to kiss you or kill you,” and Said just smiled at him in that aggravatingly self-assured way of his. Tim did probably mean he wanted to kill Said more than kiss him, but then he wondered about the latter option, but didn't really consider it. Really. He's not that big of a slut, no matter what anybody says.
6. This really foxy little redhead Leo had hired as a secretary before some prisoner scared her off by talking to her about wanting to cut off her ears. Not a day goes by without Tim regretting that he never asked her out, and sometimes he thinks about how really the girl should've been flattered, since it's not like that psycho wants to keep everybody's ears in a jar. One should learn to recognize a compliment and take it.
7. Tobias Beecher. In some tragic moment of Beecher's personal gay prison drama, where he was suffering from severe Keller-withdrawal and obviously in need of cock-in-the-ass, he found his way into Tim's office, looking depressed and desperate - as if it had been his absolute final resort. Tim listened to him talking for a while, trying to remember why Beecher and Keller were currently separated. Either way, he was less than flattered by Beecher's advances and so he just sucked in a breath and said, as apologetically as possible, “I'm just not that into lawyers.” Beecher left without saying another word, looking even more depressed and desperate than he had been when he entered. All in a day's work, Tim thought and figured he had just dodged a Chris Keller-sized jealousy bullet heading his way rather successfully.
8. Simon Adebisi. Once after a heated argument with some prisoner, probably O'Reily, Adebisi had entered the McManus office just as Tim was yelling his standard reply to 'fuck you', “Yeah, fuck me!”. Unfortunately the prisoner caught less of it than Adebisi did, and judging from the grin on his face, Adebisi seemed oddly willing to take up on Tim's offer, which scared the bejesus out of Tim. Thankfully that event never took place, but it didn't stop Tim from having disturbing nightmares about it for weeks.
9. Leo Glynn's sister. At least if Leo asks - this is something the whole staff, down to every measly CO, knows. They just happened to be in the same restaurant this one time, and he never escorted her back into her house, or stayed for tea. Tim swears. Nothing happened.
10. God. After his various encounters and discussions with Ray, Sister Marie and Kareem (though with Said, every discussion became a one-sided speech of Said's, and Tim just had to stand there and look as if he gave a fuck about what Allah thought about justice), Tim's begun to refer himself as an agnostic instead of an atheist. He figures they mean nearly the same thing, but agnosticism offends God a bit less and the bottom line is, Tim McManus does not want to fuck with God.
***
Yeah, I know Tim probably doesn't swing that way AT ALL but I wanted to toy around with the possibility anyway. Besides, Murphy's hot. Like Timmy wouldn't. Really.
And yes, I know the list pretty much proves Tim's a slut. Ah well. :D