Fic: A Mile in My Shoes, a Lifetime in My Head (1/6)
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The sun sent sneaky rays of light between the curtains; annoying little intruders that poked at Jared's head, making him wake up. He groaned softly and rolled over, trying to bury his head in the welcoming pillow. He felt warm and boneless; the sheets were just the right temperature, the mattress was cradling his body perfectly. The rich smell of coffee wafted in, further stimulation that told him that Jensen was already up. He sighed and pushed his way upright, swinging his feet over the side of the bed. Something felt a little off. Maybe his coordination was wonky? His muscles must be a little sore from doing nothing but lounging around, as he was currently on hiatus. He rubbed his hands over his face and then pushed his hair back behind his ears.
Except he didn't have any hair to push back.
Jared ran his hands over his scalp. Plenty of hair (whew!), but not the long strands he'd worn for years as Sam Winchester. This hair was much shorter, and . . . kinda spiky? He fingered a few strands and discerned the tacky remnants of gel. What the hell?
Opening his eyes, Jared immediately felt woozy. What was wrong with his eyes? Holy shit, this was Not Cool. Everything was hazy and had blurry edges. He could still make things out, but the clarity he'd always taken for granted was gone. The curiosity prompted by his hair now flicked over into serious concern.
He found his pajama pants and slipped them on, then opened a drawer and grabbed a T-shirt. Both garments seemed too large - the T-shirt was somewhat roomy, but the pants hung below his feet. He rolled his waistband up a couple times so that he wouldn't wipe out just walking around. Did he freakin' shrink overnight?
Before heading downstairs, he went into the en suite bathroom to pee. Good thing I don't need 20-20 for that, he thought, trying to push down the anxiety that was mounting inside him. When he was finished, Jared looked into the mirror. He gasped and fell against the wall behind him, sliding down it to end up on the floor. His vision might be blurry, but it was plenty good enough to see his face reflected in the mirror.
Or, as it turned out, to see Jensen's face.
Jensen stuck his head into the en suite and saw Jared sitting on the floor, slumped against the wall with a look of shock on his face. Jared looked up at him and yelped. "Jensen! What the fuck is going on? Why do we have each others faces on?"
They made it back downstairs, after patting each other to make sure they were really inside the other's body, clutching each other as they moved toward the kitchen. Jensen carefully poured coffee for Jared - coordination was a whole new ball game with different muscles and limbs. Jared slid the mug closer and caught himself studying his new hand - Jensen's hand.
"It's so weird," Jared whispered. "I know this body so well - the freckles, the hands, the face. But it's so different from the inside." He reached for his mug and bumped it, slopping coffee to the counter. "Shit, Jensen, I can't even see right! Is this really what it's like for you?"
Jensen nodded. "Oh yeah, that's the nearsightedness! I'll give you my - your - contacts. Or the glasses, whichever you'd prefer. That will take care of the vision problem. Just . . . what the hell happened to us, dude? This is fucking crazy!" His stomach grumbled. "What, I'm hungry? I don't even eat in the morning half the time, and certainly not at 8:30 a.m.!"
Jared grinned. "Big body, big appetite. That body needs a lot of fuel, so get chowing. And I don't know what happened, just that I woke up as you. You have any ideas?"
He had a glimmer of an idea, but he wasn't to the point of sharing it with Jensen yet.
Jensen shook his head, running his hands through long brown hair and pushing it out of his face. No wonder Jared was always doing that!
"Not right now. I went through pretty much the same thing - woke up, realized things were wrong, looked in the mirror and saw your mug staring back at me. Gotta say, dude . . . nice equipment!"
He leered at his lover, who cuffed his head in response.
"Jesus, Jen, you'd think you never licked that dick before!" Jared laughed and grabbed his crotch. "I gotta say, it's kinda fun swapping like this, though!" He flexed his pelvis at Jensen. "You're so pretty . . . all over!"
Jensen laughed too and flipped Jared off. "Okay there, buckaroo, one thing at a time! I gotta feed your huge carcass, apparently, and you need to fix your little vision issue. Then we'll see if we can figure out what the hell is going on here. I feel like we stepped into an episode of the show! Too bad we can't just call Bobby, right?"
"It's pretty Freaky Friday for sure, but there's got to be an explanation. We'll get to the bottom of it, okay?" Jared reached out to pull Jensen close, wrapping his arms around the other man. "Damn, I really am a big son of a bitch! I don't know how you manage to handle me, dude, I feel fucking petite next to you right now!" He nuzzled at Jensen's ear. "So weird to be shorter than you, Jen. I mean, me. Fuck - I think we need to explore all the . . . possibilities this affords us . . ."
Jared tilted his face up to kiss Jensen, closing his eyes as he realized that he didn't quite want to watch himself kissing his own face. Damn, this was confusing . . . but oh, the kiss was every bit as passionate, as hot, as the first time . . . were his lips really this soft? Was it that he was using Jensen's luscious mouth? In a kiss this good . . . did it really matter?
Jared Padalecki thought he'd hit the jackpot on the day he met his new co-star, Jensen Ackles. As he shook Jensen's hand, his first impression was how gorgeous Jensen was. Big, green eyes, thick lashes, fantastic bone structure - it was an array of riches. Jared couldn't help staring at Jensen's tempting mouth, plump lips shiny from his tantalizing habit of periodically rolling his tongue over them. He wasn't as tall as Jared - who was? - but he was clearly a little over six feet with wide shoulders, thickly muscled arms, a broad chest that tapered to a trim waist and hips, and a stellar ass. Yeah, Jared couldn't keep his eyes off the man; he snuck peeks as they walked the set, sat next to each other in the make-up chairs, tried on clothes in wardrobe. The wardrobe session gave Jared extra goodies to look at, as Jensen skinned off his shirt to try on some flannel ones. His skin was lighter than Jared's own honey-tan, and there were so many freckles! The same cinnamon freckles that were dusted across Jensen's face continued down his shoulders, across his collarbone, over his pecs. Jesus, Jared wanted to lick him and see if the freckles tasted of cinnamon, feel how soft and smooth his skin would be against Jared's tongue. He shook himself and made himself look away. Jensen was his co-star, not an all-you-can-eat buffet.
The days sped away as they shot the first episodes of Supernatural. The show was a bit of a gamble; the material was unusual and often dark, and Jared and Jensen were the only two regulars in the cast. It meant long days of shooting for them, and a lot of time training as well. There were hours spent at the gun range, hours working out at the gym and in sparring practice, all in addition to the usual time spent in wardrobe, hair & make-up, rehearsing, studying tomorrow's sides. Jared was exhausted a great deal of the time, and he could see that Jensen was feeling the strain as well, although the man never said a bad word about it. It was tiring, but God damn, it was fucking exciting as well. They were carving out something new, something fresh and intense. Kripke was writing fascinating, compelling scripts. Kim Manners and Robert Singer and the entire crew were making those scripts come to life, and Jared wouldn't have passed up this experience for anything.
The massive amount of hours spent shooting plus the fact that Jared and Jensen were the only two regulars meant that they spent an incredible amount of time together. They got made up and had their hair styled together, chairs sitting side by side in the wardrobe trailer. They practiced stunts together, rehearsed together, shot most of their scenes together. Most of the time, they even changed clothes and ate together. Jared mused once that the only time they weren't together was when they had to crap - since they frequently ended up peeing together during scene changes. And sleeping - they didn't sleep together. Jared privately tacked a hopeful "yet" onto that sentence.
The more Jared saw of Jensen, the more he liked him. Simply using the word "like" didn't encompass his feelings, though. He appreciated Jensen - his hard work, his unstinting professionalism, his commitment to creating a quality show. Jensen had a dry wit and killer timing; he was skilled at finding just the right words at just the right time to crack up the crew or send a barb at an annoying guest star. He was a fellow Texan, and they shared beers and steaks and sports on many a day off. Jared felt totally at ease with him . . . except for the part where he lusted after the man. He wanted Jensen, and not just because he was beautiful and sexy. It was how Jensen had so many great qualities all rolled up into one sumptuous package that tempted Jared every single day.
He didn't even know if Jensen would be receptive about a boyfriend. Did he even like men? There was no dating going on for either of them - who had time? - and it just never came up. If Jared were honest to himself, he wasn't really bringing the subject up - part of him felt that, as long as he didn't know for sure, there was hope . . .
After all of his fretting, it turned out to be so easy. Jensen let a sentence slip that put things in a whole new light for Jared, and the end of the week found him knocking on the door of Jensen's apartment, a bottle of tequila in one hand and limes in the other. Jensen threw the door open, greeting Jared with a wide grin.
"You think you got everything we need there, cowboy? What if we get . . . a little carried away?" His wink just about made Jared fall down the steps.
"I got everything we could need. José and limes - I assume you've got salt - and since you asked, there's condoms and lube in my jacket pocket. I'm not assuming anything, but I do like to be prepared." Jared grinned back, elated to see Jensen throw his head back and laugh.
"Well, come on in then, Jay. Come on in!" Jensen stepped back, ushering Jared in.
They drank a lot that night, but not too much. Not so much that Jared couldn't peel Jensen's clothes off and examine all of that deliciously speckled skin. He licked and kissed all over Jensen, humming in pleasure over those smooth muscles, running his palms over the hard planes of Jensen's body. In turn, Jensen wrestled him out of his Sam outfit of plaid shirt and baggy jeans, kissed the breath from him as he dragged his fingertips down Jared's neck and torso, stopping to tug and twist his nipples. Jared was panting by the time Jensen pushed him flat on his back and swung a leg over his hips. Jensen grabbed Jared's achingly hard cock and slowly, oh so slowly pushed himself down on it, green eyes boring into Jared's. Jared forced himself to lie still and let Jensen take it at his own pace, but he couldn't stop kneading Jensen's ass at the same time. Jensen cursed as he descended, swearing at Jared and his large dick as its fat length penetrated him. It didn't keep Jensen from moaning in pleasure though, and his fingers scrabbled at Jared's belly as he strove to take it all inside. Jared's eyes rolled back in his head at the hot, tight feel of Jensen's body around him, and once Jensen was fully seated - with yet more cursing and grunting - it didn't take long for both of them to explode like firecrackers. Jensen collapsed on Jared, who rolled them to their sides so they could lay together in sweaty, sticky bliss.
Jared woke up for the second time that day, feeling deliciously relaxed and dozy. His muscles felt nicely loose as he lounged against the sheets. He and Jensen had returned to bed and enjoyed a leisurely round of sex, experienced in the other's body, followed by a nap. He opened his eyes and saw a muscular chest in front of him with sculpted pecs rising and falling. Dark hair circled brown nipples, the hair thickening in between the pecs and then trailing down the undeniably chiseled abs. It startled him to realize this was his body. It looked alien like this, lying all spread out in front of his eyes. In detached consideration, he could see how strong and beautiful it was, with miles of lightly tanned skin, long limbs, and a generously sized penis lying at the apex of sharply defined hip cuts. Jared was used to looking at his body - he trained hard, and his profession required a high awareness of his physicality - but this was entirely different. He wasn't used to evaluating it from . . . outside. This is how everyone else sees me, he thought, extending his hand over the softly moving chest. This, not some lanky, skinny 18 year old.He riffled the hair, flicked a fingertip over a nipple and watched it harden, skimmed the abs to gently cradle the soft cock. It moved beneath his touch, stiffening a little as he stroked it, and Jared felt both excited and confused. If he was getting turned on watching himself, did that make him a narcissist?
"You're fine," he heard his own voice say. Jared looked up and saw Jensen looking at him seriously. "Of course you're curious. Hell, so am I. Who ever gets to see themselves like this? It's wild. So yeah, you're going to be curious, going to wanna see it in action." He rubbed a large palm over Jared's current face, sliding his thumb over the full lips. "The flip side is that we get to see each other like this. You get to feel what I feel, and vice versa. You get to experience what I like and how everything feels to me on an unprecedented level. So relax - I think you're perfectly normal."
He pressed his lips to Jared's and they kissed unhurriedly. Jared was feeling his arousal start to rise when Jensen gave him a final smooch, smacked his ass, and rolled to the edge of the bed.
"Hungry again! Jesus, Jared, I promise I'll never tease you about how much you eat again!"
They cooked a late breakfast in the sunny kitchen, pausing often to correct their reach or to adjust their reflexes in their unaccustomed meat-suits. Jared marveled at seeing Jensen eat four eggs, five pieces of bacon, and two pieces of toast. Normally, he might eat a single egg and some toast with several cups of coffee. Now it was Jared who found himself not hungry, content to nibble and sip while he kept Jensen company during his meal.
He washed the few dishes while Jensen cleaned up the food, gazing out the window and thinking about how even the view was different now, with his new height. He didn't realize how lost in thought he really was until Jensen came up behind him and slid his arms around Jared's waist. Jared jumped and dropped a juice glass in the sink, jumping again at the sound of it breaking.
"Jesus Christ, Jensen! Look what you made me do!" he yelled, pushing Jensen away as he moved to see what happened. "I got it, asshole. Just leave it alone."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jensen draw away, a sheepish expression on his face. Jared wanted to tell him it was okay, but there was something hot and heavy in his head that wouldn't let him. He pushed past Jensen to get the trash can and started picking the larger pieces of glass out of the sink. One of them slid down his knuckle and Jared cursed, grabbing a paper towel to wrap around the cut.
"Shit, Jared! Are you okay? Let me see," Jensen said, moving right next to Jared. Jared felt like Jensen was towering over him, crowding him, and anxiety began to build inside him.
"Leave me the fuck alone! If you hadn't been clowning around in the first place, this wouldn't have happened!" Jared threw the bloody paper towel into the trash. "I'm going upstairs to take care of this. You clean this up."
He turned his head away as he walked out of the room, not wanting to see Jensen's reaction. He was sure there'd be a hurt expression on Jensen's face - this wasn't usually how Jared reacted to things. It felt deeply wrong to him, but he was too upset to figure it out at the moment.
Jared wondered at himself as he walked up the stairs. He felt so . . . so uncharacteristically angry. Ridiculously angry, given what had happened. It was like a tornado ran through his head, wreaking havoc and flinging out debris, entirely uncontrollable. Entering the bathroom, he began running water over the cut, watching the blood ooze down the drain in a tiny stream. Why did he fly off the handle like that? It wasn't like him at all. Jared was generally mellow and easy-going in almost any situation. He sighed and turned off the water, wrapping a paper towel tightly around the cut to apply pressure. Looking up, he saw Jensen's face in the mirror, green eyes wide and freckles standing out on his pale skin. Maybe it was just the shock from the swap. He searched those green eyes anxiously. Yeah, that was it. It was a hell of a business to find yourself inside your partner's body - of course he was all stirred up.
Right?
A few months after they'd reached true relationship status, Jensen came to Jared with a look of frustration on his face. Jared reached for his boyfriend and pulled him close, easing them around the corner of the craft tent for some privacy. They weren't out to the set yet, although Jared hoped they'd get to that point. Right now, their relationship was just between them. He wrapped his arms around Jensen and just breathed deep, enjoying the warm scent of his lover's skin mixed with Jensen's after-shave. He felt Jensen's stiff body relax inside his embrace, and his arms came up around Jared in response as he sighed.
"What's up, Jen?" Jared asked softly. "You look pretty upset."
Jensen growled, "I have to find a new place to live - my roommate's girlfriend is moving in. I'm happy for him, of course, but now I've gotta find someplace to move into ASAP. Like I have so much free time to look, y'know? Fuck!"
He pulled back from Jared, who was surprised to see Jensen's face twisted with anger.
"Yeah, I get that it's a pain, but we can do it," Jared said soothingly. "I'll look with you, we'll find a place. I'm sure Joe isn't going to kick you out onto the street, right?" He reached for Jensen's hand and was surprised again that he pulled away from the affectionate gesture. "Hey, Jensen, relax. We'll take care of it. Worst case scenario, you stay with me until you find a place, okay? Seriously, dude, take it easy."
"I can't just 'relax', Jared! I need a fucking place to live, and I don't have much time to find it! He just fucking sprang this on me, so excuse me if I'm a little freaked out, okay?"
Jensen broke all the way free from Jared, his posture and expression screaming his tension. His eyes were wide and his jaw knotted as he bit the words off to Jared.
"It's not all fucking video games and sex, dude, sometimes there are things that have to be taken care of! Things that matter! And if I don't take care of them, who will?"
Jensen turned and stomped off toward his trailer, leaving behind a wounded Jared looking after him with a hurt, confused expression.
Jared stood there a few more minutes, his head reeling. What just happened? He'd never seen Jensen so wound up. And what did "things that matter" mean? Was that some roundabout way of saying that Jared didn't matter? Their relationship didn't matter? Jared's chest tightened as he mulled the encounter over. Jensen hadn't even commented on his offer - did that not matter either? Jared groaned and rubbed his hands over his face. Should he follow Jensen and pursue this, or let it go and see if he calmed down on his own? He was stunned by the speed at which things had deteriorated during the conversation, and felt completely rudderless about what to do.
Shouts for the afternoon shooting to begin ended Jared's internal debate. Time to get to work. Maybe donning Dean's persona for a bit would help Jensen work out his angst - there was nothing like fighting even imaginary sons of bitches to burn off some frustration. Sighing, Jared began walking toward the afternoon's set, hoping the whole mess would just blow over.
Happily, shooting went well - Jensen's distress didn't keep him from being on top of his game, and he deftly steered Dean through the fighting and stunt-laden scene. Jared was relieved that the tension seemed to be in the past, and so he approached Jensen at the end of the night with an invitation to crash back at Jared's place. He thought some beer, maybe unwinding with a game on the DVR, perhaps some great, relaxing sex that Jared would be happy to provide.
To his surprise, Jensen politely declined the invitation.
"I'm really tired, Jared. Things have been really stressful the last couple of days, and I just need some sleep." He looked up at Jared, big green eyes glistening. "I'm really sorry about earlier. I didn't mean anything - I know you just wanted to help. I was a dick."
He ducked his head down, but Jared thought he'd seen a tear start to trickle down from those too-shiny eyes. He brought his hand under Jensen's chin and tried to gently lift his face up, but Jensen shook the hand off and looked away.
"It's okay, I'm just tired. I'll be fine in the morning, okay? See you at morning pick-up."
He squeezed Jared's arm and walked briskly away. Jared looked after him, feeling confused again. He halfway wanted to chase after Jensen; maybe they still needed to clear the air more thoroughly? The other half of his brain, though, said to stop, let Jensen go for now. Jensen had apologized; he'd somewhat explained where he was at. Better to respect his wishes and see how things were in the morning.
Things were not that great in the morning. When the driver and Jared arrived at Jensen's apartment building, Jensen came out with sunglasses on, despite the overcast sky. As he got in the SUV, Jared noted how pale he looked, and the unaccustomed downturn at the corners of his mouth.
"Hey, how you feeling this morning?" he asked softly, laying a hand on Jensen's forearm. "Get some sleep?"
"Yeah, yeah, slept great. I'm fine," Jensen answered, moving his arm so Jared's hand slipped off. "We stopping for coffee? I need a triple grande."
"Sure, yeah," said Jared, trying to ignore the chill that ran down his spine when his hand dropped from Jensen's arm. "Go to that little place up the street from the studio, please," he said to the driver.
Out of the corner of his eye, he watched Jensen huddle back into the plushy seat. When Jared sat back himself, it felt like a mile lay between him and Jensen, and he had no idea how to bridge it.
The next few days ran together, as they were busy wearing their Winchester personas and dealing with the monster of the week. Jensen was polite, but distant. There were no cuddles, hugs, or kisses, and tactile-oriented Jared felt starved for his boyfriend. When Jensen wasn't actively in a scene, he was holed up in his trailer. He was still pale, and Jared overheard the make-up girls complaining to each other about trying to hide the shadows under his eyes. Every time Jared approached Jensen, the other man smiled briefly - if that twitch could be called a smile - and fled to his trailer.
Jared felt queasy. What was going on? What had happened between them, or hadn't happened? Was all of this the stress of finding a place and moving? Because it just didn't seem in proportion to the issue. But if it wasn't that, what on earth was it?
On to Part 2