[Blackadder] The Walrus and the Carpenter
Title: The Walrus and the Carpenter
Fandom: Blackadder Goes Forth
Pairing: George St. Barleigh/Anthony Melchett
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,490 (W)
Written for: My 50 sentences challenge at 1frase (that is the Italian version of 1sentence, with different prompt sets).
Thanks to: snopes_faith, the baaa! beta.
Notes: Set some days after "Major Star". Possible first installment in a series.
Summary: “For all this time,” the General thunders, putting his arms on George’s shoulders with the strength of a bear, “it was you.”
#40. Hole
Today, while he packed the lilac-coloured laced dress, the wig and the fake jewellery in a box, George found a hole in the fabric - a little rip he remembers too well, when the General’s strong hand tried to withhold Georgina and Georgina, between the alcohol and the flowers and the huge moustache, opposed a feeble resistance, then let it go.
#24. Black
The sky above the trenches is even darker than Captain Blackadder’s face when his superiors phone from the HQ and crossed by lightnings that make the Paradise up there (where well-informed sources say God resides with all the little angels) look an even less hospitable place than the latrines.
#22. Rain
There, it’s raining too, George thinks, getting to his feet to have a look outside the window of the dormitory and absent-mindedly carrying with him the lilac dress he’s still holding in his hands; the fabric rustles between his fingers and unrolls in all its length, and George presses it distractedly on his chest, over his shirt.
#32. Memories
The ball night, instead, was a splendid starry one, and even if he did it just for the art’s sake and because otherwise Captain Blackadder would’ve “torn off his testicles and made a barbecue with them”, George feels a sting of melancholy recalling the smell of the flowers and the candles and the General’s brilliantine.
#19. Heart
“Blackadder!” roars a familiar voice out of the dormitory’s door, and George’s heart travels up and then down, to his throat and then to his stomach, with as much grace as Baldrick when he struggles in his bed dreaming he’s a sausage, as pleasant as a rock stuck in his gullet.
#46. Answer
“Captain Blackadder is at the latrines at the moment, sir!” answers George snapping to attention, and in such heat the dress flies from his hands and lands on his arm bent to his forehead, hanging from the curve of his elbow.
#49. Mind
General Melchett is alone, strangely, with the ordinary musk-coloured uniform and his moustache a little less commanding than usual, almost - but George isn’t exactly the most clever mind in His Majesty’s Army - almost - but George wouldn’t dare think it louder than in doubtful italics - depressed.
#44. Terror
“Easy, Lieutenant. Never mind, I’ll wait here for...”, he almost sits on the Captain’s chair, the one from which Captain Blackadder co-ordinates his subordinates and answers the phone and shoots the carrier pigeons, “... for... what is that, Lieutenant?” shouts the General, jumping to his feet, and George thinks he fainted for a split second, before pissing his pants and after watching all his life running before his eyes like a bad copy of a Charlie Chaplin film.
#26. Words
He tries to deny (deny, always deny, says the Captain), but words just won't get out, and to be honest, George thinks they have some problem getting in, too.
#07. Waiting
The General grabs Gorgeous Georgina’s dress and brings it ardently to his face, sniffing his beloved darling’s scent (mostly naphtalene, and brilliantine that George had the brilliant idea to smear under his armpits since he had no perfume); George closes his eyes and keeps silent, waiting for the other man to take out his revolver and shoot him - or maybe tear off his testicles for a barbecue.
#10. Madness
“Lieutenant, I hope you have a valid explanation as to why this dear garment is in your possession,” says the General. Melchett’s eyes glint with the tears he’s holding back at the edge of his eyelids, or maybe it’s just the light of madness that - they say - has pained his family for generations - since the illustrious Lord Melchett, counselor to Her Majesty Elizabeth I, was tortured and brutally killed by a sheep.
#39. Hope
“I... uhm...” George babbles, casting a hopeful look to the door; Captain Blackadder could come in any moment and make up a perfectly reasonable, logical and convincing story in a second or two, and save George’s family jewels from the grill.
#42. Will
“So?” the General urges him, stepping closer menaciously, as tall and large as a oak, his moustache thicker and more indignant than ever; he plants his eyes on George’s face, brandishing the dress like a sword, and there’s a feverish light (definitely the family problem) in his look, but behind that - George thinks he knows that pretty well - there’s also an iron will.
#37. Cells
“We thought... I mean, Captain Blackadder and I... the idea was Captain Blackadder’s, really... in short, we thought that you... I mean... ehm... that yes, actually, that you would’ve not approved that... that...” George tries desperately, but the little men in his brain must’ve gone all to bed already - it’s quite late, as a matter of fact - because among all of them (the little brain men are actually very, very tiny, so there are thousands in his head, as incredible as it sounds) it seems that nobody can come up with a decent idea.
#36. Electricity
Then the General’s expression suddenly changes; his eyes open wide, his lips part, his moustache’s tips wilt, and something like an electric shot (if they weren’t indoors George would think it was a thunderbolt) crosses his face, enlightening his features and leaving them... well... shocked.
#41. Revelation
“... Chipmunk?”
#31. Boat
Plop, plop, George’s heart goes inside his chest, like a little boat in the stormy sea of his last dinner - potatoes a la Baldrick and half a roasted rat.
#47. Clear
“For all this time,” the General thunders, putting his arms on George’s shoulders with the strength of a bear, “it was you.”
#27. Killing
“I... yes, sir,” George surrenders, looking down, “I’m sorry. You can... you can have me court-martialled and shot now, if you want.”
#23. Sky
“Shot? Good Lord, why should I do such a thing to you?” replies General Melchett, his moustache quavering and his voice unsteady with emotion, brushing George’s cheekbone slowly with his thumb, like that time on the veranda when he told him - when he told Georgina - that he loved him - her.
#35. Arms
“... no?” George whispers, looking up sheepishly, and: “No,” answers the General, now with a large smile brightening his face and his authoritative moustache, then unexpectedly he pulls George to his chest and hugs him, a hand on George’s nape to have him lean his cheek on his shoulder.
#12. Life
“You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met, Chipmunk,” Melchett whispers to his ear, cradling him slowly in his arms, “Risking you life like that... in your position... and all to serve our Country! Who knows how many sacrifices it cost to you, oh my little, sweet Chipmunk.”
#06. Owner
“Sir?” George tries, trapped against the General’s uniform like a very big teddy bear (or teddy chipmunk) squeezed on his owner’s chest; from that position it’s impossible for him to avoid perceiving the General’s manly scent, and his head starts spinning.
#29. Believing
“Of course I should’ve understood it ages ago. If I think about all these years I’ve believed you were a boy... You must’ve thought I’m a stupid, old fool, haven’t you?” the General carries on, lifting George’s chin with two fingers, and then he adds, an inch from his lips: “There’s no need for you to keep speaking with that manly voice, Chipmunk. Your secret is safe with me”.
#03. Man
“But sir, I am a...”
#34. Worse
“George? General? What’s happening here?” Captain Blackadder’s sharp and surprised voice cuts in, and his figure emerges from the dim light of the doorframe, frowning with a darker expression than usual.
#38. Promise*
“Ah, Blackadder. Just you. I was just saying to Georgina... I mean, George...”, he winks to the Lieutenant, who keeps watching him with a confused expression, “that my lips are sealed. The secret of my beloved...”, he glances down to the lilac dress, then he looks up to George again with something it’s impossible to mistake for anything but adoration, “... tragically deceased fiancé is safe with this old, stupid enamoured soldier” - and taking George’s hand in his, he brings it to his lips and kisses reverently the back of his fingers.
#25. Doctor
In the thin mist surrounding him, George thinks Captain Blackadder needs to be seen by a doctor, but he’s not sure.
#45. Fire
The Captain’s mouth hangs open for a couple of seconds in the convincing imitation of a goldfish (since he’s as white as a corpse, it should probably be better called “whitefish”), then his eyes fix on George with such a fierceness that George feels a stab of pain to his groin, and he hopes that two fire blades won’t dart from the Captain’s eyes to incinerate him.
#48. Together
“Ah. Oh. Naturally. Naturally, General, it’s of the most vital importance that you...”, he seems to gag when the General leans a kiss on his own palm and blows it to George (even if George thinks it’s a very sweet thing), “that the secrecy of George’s mission is preserved. Everybody thinks Georgina is dead. So...”, he leans a hand on George’s shoulder, “public displays of affection are not... advisable.”
#11. Engagement
“Certainly, certainly,” the General nods, letting go unwillingly of George’s hand, “it can’t be helped. But don’t fear, my darling - this war is going to end within the year, and then we’ll be able to get lawfully married. Blackadder! In my office.”
#01. Soul
“If I should die, George, think only this of me,” Blackadder hisses, as soon as the General is far enough; “... you’ll be back to get me?” asks George, frowning.
#28. Place
“No Man’s Land will look like a holiday resort, Mrs. Melchett.”
#15. Bed
Alone in the dormitory, George picks up the lilac dress from the floor and puts it away, closes the box and lies down on the bed, his arms bent between his nape and his ankles crossed.
#02. Second time
He didn’t understand much, but one thing is clear: the General wants to marry him again, and even if this seems to contradict everything they’ve always taught him (that is, that boys marry girls and vice versa, and not much more), George thinks the General surely knows more than him about the matter.
#16. Stars
Outside it stopped raining and the sky brightened up enough to let a mosaic of bright dots filter through; George keeps looking at them from his bed, unable to close his eyes and look for some rest, and he’s still looking when a shiny path crosses the sky from right to left and falls somewhere above No Man’s Land.
#05. Prayer
He has to make a wish, so he shuts his eyes and thinks diligently, until, some moment after, it dawns on him: Please, Child Jesus, make I don’t stumble on the bride’s veil, thanks.
#09. Night
He’s still wondering how the conjugal life will be - with some luck he might not have to wear the wig anymore, but maybe the General would like him to use more make up, and probably to wear something more womanly - when the sleep takes him by surprise, and still completely dressed in his uniform George reclines his head aside and the night closes upon his eyes.
#50. Path
He dreams of a long country path that looks like No Man’s Land, but without the corpses (or the mines) and full with trees and flowers instead, and General Melchett is there, at the end of the path, in his dress uniform that suits him so much, and when George reaches him the General takes George’s face in his hands and tells him: “I love you, Chipmunk”, and kisses him on the mouth - then George sees the cannon next to the General, Melchett shouts “Fire!”, and a sudden pain in his chest awakes him.
#14. Indifference
“Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming temporarily turned into a big rat. So sweet” - Captain Blackadder’s voice cuts off the mist of his dream, indifferent to his torments, and George realizes the pain in his chest is due to Baldrick’s weight pinning him to the bed.
#18. Limit
“Sorry, Lieutenant,” Baldrick declares, getting on his feet with a dreamy expression, “a man can resist temptation for just so long.”
#13. Boredom
“Baldrick,” Blackadder replies in a bored tone, ignoring George’s apathetic gaze, “would you mind going and fetch me the mine I buried out there?”
#43. Easy
“Yes, sir!” exclaims Baldrick, running off the dormitory; Blackadder sits slowly on the edge of the table, and pointing his index finger towards George declares sourly: “If you hadn’t less breasts than an ironing board and more hair on your chest than a Persian carpet, George, I would be tempted to call you an easy lady”.
#17. Minute
“But Captain, I was asleep!” George cries to exculpate himself, his synapses still a bit slow although he’s been awake for longer than a minute.
#20. Wedding ring
“I’m talking about your fiancé. I don’t know what you did, but now he’s convinced you’re a woman who pretends to be a man who pretended to be a woman, and his life’s goal is to put a wedding ring at your finger and have you bear twelve sons. If we’re lucky, the Germans will declare us war again in twenty years and Battalion Melchett will be wiped off all in a single blow.”
#21. Death
“Sir,” replies George in a hurt tone, squaring his shoulders, “I would be very grateful if you avoided wishing an atrocious death for my children.”
#21. Summer
Blackadder watches him with that expression of his, half-way between disgust and exasperation, and replies: “Don’t worry, George, the moment General Melchett finds out you’re not Madame de Pompadour en travesti the labour pains won’t be your problem anymore. Look at the bright side: the offspring of your genes will be extinct before the mating season.”
#08. Best friend
Finally reality - that is, that the General might not want to marry him anymore if he found out, well, a couple of things down there - dawns on George; hiding his disappointment, George opens his big eyes wide and fixes them on the Captain, waiting diligently for him to present the solution to the problem; Blackadder is the most ingenious mind in the whole British Army (well, in the whole infantry at least. The Flying Corps have Lord Flashheart...), and anyway, since the rest of the Trinity Tiddlers has been killed in the assaults, he’s basically his only best friend.
#04. Money
“Collect that wobbling lip, Lieutenant. It’s the most repellent thing I’ve seen since Baldrick decided to grow a fringe,” hisses the Captain; “There are just two solutions to this problem. One, unfortunately, requires a million pounds and a round trip ticket for Casablanca.”
#30. Far
“Wow, sir, that’s jolly big money. What about the other one?” asks George, musing that his whole savings amount to fifteen pounds (fifteen pounds and six pence, if he sells Teddy to Gerard Brookbanks, the cadet with the harelip of the fifth division); Blackadder looks at him and almost reluctantly answers: “We’ll be stealing two uniforms of the Reich, colouring our hair with horse urine and deserting to the Germans. It’s an absurd and desperate plan, but the prospective of a life devoted to sausages and catarrh far from the trenches has got some repulsive appeal.”
To be continued. Maybe.
Fandom: Blackadder Goes Forth
Pairing: George St. Barleigh/Anthony Melchett
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 2,490 (W)
Written for: My 50 sentences challenge at 1frase (that is the Italian version of 1sentence, with different prompt sets).
Thanks to: snopes_faith, the baaa! beta.
Notes: Set some days after "Major Star". Possible first installment in a series.
Summary: “For all this time,” the General thunders, putting his arms on George’s shoulders with the strength of a bear, “it was you.”
#40. Hole
Today, while he packed the lilac-coloured laced dress, the wig and the fake jewellery in a box, George found a hole in the fabric - a little rip he remembers too well, when the General’s strong hand tried to withhold Georgina and Georgina, between the alcohol and the flowers and the huge moustache, opposed a feeble resistance, then let it go.
#24. Black
The sky above the trenches is even darker than Captain Blackadder’s face when his superiors phone from the HQ and crossed by lightnings that make the Paradise up there (where well-informed sources say God resides with all the little angels) look an even less hospitable place than the latrines.
#22. Rain
There, it’s raining too, George thinks, getting to his feet to have a look outside the window of the dormitory and absent-mindedly carrying with him the lilac dress he’s still holding in his hands; the fabric rustles between his fingers and unrolls in all its length, and George presses it distractedly on his chest, over his shirt.
#32. Memories
The ball night, instead, was a splendid starry one, and even if he did it just for the art’s sake and because otherwise Captain Blackadder would’ve “torn off his testicles and made a barbecue with them”, George feels a sting of melancholy recalling the smell of the flowers and the candles and the General’s brilliantine.
#19. Heart
“Blackadder!” roars a familiar voice out of the dormitory’s door, and George’s heart travels up and then down, to his throat and then to his stomach, with as much grace as Baldrick when he struggles in his bed dreaming he’s a sausage, as pleasant as a rock stuck in his gullet.
#46. Answer
“Captain Blackadder is at the latrines at the moment, sir!” answers George snapping to attention, and in such heat the dress flies from his hands and lands on his arm bent to his forehead, hanging from the curve of his elbow.
#49. Mind
General Melchett is alone, strangely, with the ordinary musk-coloured uniform and his moustache a little less commanding than usual, almost - but George isn’t exactly the most clever mind in His Majesty’s Army - almost - but George wouldn’t dare think it louder than in doubtful italics - depressed.
#44. Terror
“Easy, Lieutenant. Never mind, I’ll wait here for...”, he almost sits on the Captain’s chair, the one from which Captain Blackadder co-ordinates his subordinates and answers the phone and shoots the carrier pigeons, “... for... what is that, Lieutenant?” shouts the General, jumping to his feet, and George thinks he fainted for a split second, before pissing his pants and after watching all his life running before his eyes like a bad copy of a Charlie Chaplin film.
#26. Words
He tries to deny (deny, always deny, says the Captain), but words just won't get out, and to be honest, George thinks they have some problem getting in, too.
#07. Waiting
The General grabs Gorgeous Georgina’s dress and brings it ardently to his face, sniffing his beloved darling’s scent (mostly naphtalene, and brilliantine that George had the brilliant idea to smear under his armpits since he had no perfume); George closes his eyes and keeps silent, waiting for the other man to take out his revolver and shoot him - or maybe tear off his testicles for a barbecue.
#10. Madness
“Lieutenant, I hope you have a valid explanation as to why this dear garment is in your possession,” says the General. Melchett’s eyes glint with the tears he’s holding back at the edge of his eyelids, or maybe it’s just the light of madness that - they say - has pained his family for generations - since the illustrious Lord Melchett, counselor to Her Majesty Elizabeth I, was tortured and brutally killed by a sheep.
#39. Hope
“I... uhm...” George babbles, casting a hopeful look to the door; Captain Blackadder could come in any moment and make up a perfectly reasonable, logical and convincing story in a second or two, and save George’s family jewels from the grill.
#42. Will
“So?” the General urges him, stepping closer menaciously, as tall and large as a oak, his moustache thicker and more indignant than ever; he plants his eyes on George’s face, brandishing the dress like a sword, and there’s a feverish light (definitely the family problem) in his look, but behind that - George thinks he knows that pretty well - there’s also an iron will.
#37. Cells
“We thought... I mean, Captain Blackadder and I... the idea was Captain Blackadder’s, really... in short, we thought that you... I mean... ehm... that yes, actually, that you would’ve not approved that... that...” George tries desperately, but the little men in his brain must’ve gone all to bed already - it’s quite late, as a matter of fact - because among all of them (the little brain men are actually very, very tiny, so there are thousands in his head, as incredible as it sounds) it seems that nobody can come up with a decent idea.
#36. Electricity
Then the General’s expression suddenly changes; his eyes open wide, his lips part, his moustache’s tips wilt, and something like an electric shot (if they weren’t indoors George would think it was a thunderbolt) crosses his face, enlightening his features and leaving them... well... shocked.
#41. Revelation
“... Chipmunk?”
#31. Boat
Plop, plop, George’s heart goes inside his chest, like a little boat in the stormy sea of his last dinner - potatoes a la Baldrick and half a roasted rat.
#47. Clear
“For all this time,” the General thunders, putting his arms on George’s shoulders with the strength of a bear, “it was you.”
#27. Killing
“I... yes, sir,” George surrenders, looking down, “I’m sorry. You can... you can have me court-martialled and shot now, if you want.”
#23. Sky
“Shot? Good Lord, why should I do such a thing to you?” replies General Melchett, his moustache quavering and his voice unsteady with emotion, brushing George’s cheekbone slowly with his thumb, like that time on the veranda when he told him - when he told Georgina - that he loved him - her.
#35. Arms
“... no?” George whispers, looking up sheepishly, and: “No,” answers the General, now with a large smile brightening his face and his authoritative moustache, then unexpectedly he pulls George to his chest and hugs him, a hand on George’s nape to have him lean his cheek on his shoulder.
#12. Life
“You’re the bravest person I’ve ever met, Chipmunk,” Melchett whispers to his ear, cradling him slowly in his arms, “Risking you life like that... in your position... and all to serve our Country! Who knows how many sacrifices it cost to you, oh my little, sweet Chipmunk.”
#06. Owner
“Sir?” George tries, trapped against the General’s uniform like a very big teddy bear (or teddy chipmunk) squeezed on his owner’s chest; from that position it’s impossible for him to avoid perceiving the General’s manly scent, and his head starts spinning.
#29. Believing
“Of course I should’ve understood it ages ago. If I think about all these years I’ve believed you were a boy... You must’ve thought I’m a stupid, old fool, haven’t you?” the General carries on, lifting George’s chin with two fingers, and then he adds, an inch from his lips: “There’s no need for you to keep speaking with that manly voice, Chipmunk. Your secret is safe with me”.
#03. Man
“But sir, I am a...”
#34. Worse
“George? General? What’s happening here?” Captain Blackadder’s sharp and surprised voice cuts in, and his figure emerges from the dim light of the doorframe, frowning with a darker expression than usual.
#38. Promise*
“Ah, Blackadder. Just you. I was just saying to Georgina... I mean, George...”, he winks to the Lieutenant, who keeps watching him with a confused expression, “that my lips are sealed. The secret of my beloved...”, he glances down to the lilac dress, then he looks up to George again with something it’s impossible to mistake for anything but adoration, “... tragically deceased fiancé is safe with this old, stupid enamoured soldier” - and taking George’s hand in his, he brings it to his lips and kisses reverently the back of his fingers.
#25. Doctor
In the thin mist surrounding him, George thinks Captain Blackadder needs to be seen by a doctor, but he’s not sure.
#45. Fire
The Captain’s mouth hangs open for a couple of seconds in the convincing imitation of a goldfish (since he’s as white as a corpse, it should probably be better called “whitefish”), then his eyes fix on George with such a fierceness that George feels a stab of pain to his groin, and he hopes that two fire blades won’t dart from the Captain’s eyes to incinerate him.
#48. Together
“Ah. Oh. Naturally. Naturally, General, it’s of the most vital importance that you...”, he seems to gag when the General leans a kiss on his own palm and blows it to George (even if George thinks it’s a very sweet thing), “that the secrecy of George’s mission is preserved. Everybody thinks Georgina is dead. So...”, he leans a hand on George’s shoulder, “public displays of affection are not... advisable.”
#11. Engagement
“Certainly, certainly,” the General nods, letting go unwillingly of George’s hand, “it can’t be helped. But don’t fear, my darling - this war is going to end within the year, and then we’ll be able to get lawfully married. Blackadder! In my office.”
#01. Soul
“If I should die, George, think only this of me,” Blackadder hisses, as soon as the General is far enough; “... you’ll be back to get me?” asks George, frowning.
#28. Place
“No Man’s Land will look like a holiday resort, Mrs. Melchett.”
#15. Bed
Alone in the dormitory, George picks up the lilac dress from the floor and puts it away, closes the box and lies down on the bed, his arms bent between his nape and his ankles crossed.
#02. Second time
He didn’t understand much, but one thing is clear: the General wants to marry him again, and even if this seems to contradict everything they’ve always taught him (that is, that boys marry girls and vice versa, and not much more), George thinks the General surely knows more than him about the matter.
#16. Stars
Outside it stopped raining and the sky brightened up enough to let a mosaic of bright dots filter through; George keeps looking at them from his bed, unable to close his eyes and look for some rest, and he’s still looking when a shiny path crosses the sky from right to left and falls somewhere above No Man’s Land.
#05. Prayer
He has to make a wish, so he shuts his eyes and thinks diligently, until, some moment after, it dawns on him: Please, Child Jesus, make I don’t stumble on the bride’s veil, thanks.
#09. Night
He’s still wondering how the conjugal life will be - with some luck he might not have to wear the wig anymore, but maybe the General would like him to use more make up, and probably to wear something more womanly - when the sleep takes him by surprise, and still completely dressed in his uniform George reclines his head aside and the night closes upon his eyes.
#50. Path
He dreams of a long country path that looks like No Man’s Land, but without the corpses (or the mines) and full with trees and flowers instead, and General Melchett is there, at the end of the path, in his dress uniform that suits him so much, and when George reaches him the General takes George’s face in his hands and tells him: “I love you, Chipmunk”, and kisses him on the mouth - then George sees the cannon next to the General, Melchett shouts “Fire!”, and a sudden pain in his chest awakes him.
#14. Indifference
“Sleeping Beauty and Prince Charming temporarily turned into a big rat. So sweet” - Captain Blackadder’s voice cuts off the mist of his dream, indifferent to his torments, and George realizes the pain in his chest is due to Baldrick’s weight pinning him to the bed.
#18. Limit
“Sorry, Lieutenant,” Baldrick declares, getting on his feet with a dreamy expression, “a man can resist temptation for just so long.”
#13. Boredom
“Baldrick,” Blackadder replies in a bored tone, ignoring George’s apathetic gaze, “would you mind going and fetch me the mine I buried out there?”
#43. Easy
“Yes, sir!” exclaims Baldrick, running off the dormitory; Blackadder sits slowly on the edge of the table, and pointing his index finger towards George declares sourly: “If you hadn’t less breasts than an ironing board and more hair on your chest than a Persian carpet, George, I would be tempted to call you an easy lady”.
#17. Minute
“But Captain, I was asleep!” George cries to exculpate himself, his synapses still a bit slow although he’s been awake for longer than a minute.
#20. Wedding ring
“I’m talking about your fiancé. I don’t know what you did, but now he’s convinced you’re a woman who pretends to be a man who pretended to be a woman, and his life’s goal is to put a wedding ring at your finger and have you bear twelve sons. If we’re lucky, the Germans will declare us war again in twenty years and Battalion Melchett will be wiped off all in a single blow.”
#21. Death
“Sir,” replies George in a hurt tone, squaring his shoulders, “I would be very grateful if you avoided wishing an atrocious death for my children.”
#21. Summer
Blackadder watches him with that expression of his, half-way between disgust and exasperation, and replies: “Don’t worry, George, the moment General Melchett finds out you’re not Madame de Pompadour en travesti the labour pains won’t be your problem anymore. Look at the bright side: the offspring of your genes will be extinct before the mating season.”
#08. Best friend
Finally reality - that is, that the General might not want to marry him anymore if he found out, well, a couple of things down there - dawns on George; hiding his disappointment, George opens his big eyes wide and fixes them on the Captain, waiting diligently for him to present the solution to the problem; Blackadder is the most ingenious mind in the whole British Army (well, in the whole infantry at least. The Flying Corps have Lord Flashheart...), and anyway, since the rest of the Trinity Tiddlers has been killed in the assaults, he’s basically his only best friend.
#04. Money
“Collect that wobbling lip, Lieutenant. It’s the most repellent thing I’ve seen since Baldrick decided to grow a fringe,” hisses the Captain; “There are just two solutions to this problem. One, unfortunately, requires a million pounds and a round trip ticket for Casablanca.”
#30. Far
“Wow, sir, that’s jolly big money. What about the other one?” asks George, musing that his whole savings amount to fifteen pounds (fifteen pounds and six pence, if he sells Teddy to Gerard Brookbanks, the cadet with the harelip of the fifth division); Blackadder looks at him and almost reluctantly answers: “We’ll be stealing two uniforms of the Reich, colouring our hair with horse urine and deserting to the Germans. It’s an absurd and desperate plan, but the prospective of a life devoted to sausages and catarrh far from the trenches has got some repulsive appeal.”
To be continued. Maybe.