I like your imagery here! Especially with the smells and descriptions! It brings the grandfather to life. (you stood their below -> 'there', not 'their'! =p) Do you really drink tea with your grandfather in the garden? =p
EDITOR: Part Onetoxic_apiaceaeOctober 17 2010, 12:47:33 UTC
Well, well … we meet again, Fine. *grins* How goes it? Hopefully well. Shall we get straight into the edit then? Good!
,i>When I walked through that door the smell of stale tobacco and strong whiskey hit me from a distance, Those wrinkles were deep set into your face like pen to paper from your persistence,
I’ve said it before, but I’m gonna say it again: I love your imagery and description. That second line in particular is just wonderful. I’m also really liking the rhyming pattern you’re using here. It was very subtly done, but it reads cleanly and naturally. Very nicely done!
They appear to be the same from in the photograph from when I was born,This line reads a little awkwardly to me, particularly toward the middle with the “from in the photograph from” and especially when read after the line above it. Maybe experiment with rephrasing this to: They look the same as in the photograph from when I was born
( ... )
EDITOR: Part Twotoxic_apiaceaeOctober 17 2010, 12:48:03 UTC
Her collection of ‘Hollywood Red’ lipsticks and dainty shoes were lined up colour coordinated; untouched, I laid my eyes on a beautiful painting from your wedding day that I clutched.
Same thing here with the rhyming, though that first line is fantastic. I love the fact that you introduced another bit of punctuation besides the comma here. It really helped to emphasize that everything’s remained the same. Just give that second line a good poke so that it’s equally awesome.
Nanna hasn’t come home in eight years grandpa but you still keep a smile,
Even in narrative, when someone is being addressed by name commas have to be used. So here, there needs to be a comma before and after “grandpa”, otherwise it reads a little oddly.
You should write down these stories that are unsaid,
This line makes me very sad. It’s something I wish more family members would do, just to keep our family history alive and known. I really hate the fact that our loved ones leave and take their memories with them. So … yeah. This line touched me.
Re: EDITOR: Part TwofineenglishteaOctober 17 2010, 20:10:42 UTC
Thankyou again for this, appreciate it :) I am not the best when it comes to literature, spelling and everything...I just have a very visual creative mind & I love to write what I think, it does usually come out a little wrong but I just enjoy it and I think that most people can relate to my poetry and short stories.
Re: EDITOR: Part Twotoxic_apiaceaeOctober 18 2010, 02:57:36 UTC
You're not the best at literature?
No worries: NO ONE is the best. Every writer has their strengths and weaknesses, but not a single one can claim to be the absolute, supreme best. Speaking specifically of you, I think your major strengths ARE the fact that you have great visual description, you relate to the reader emotionally, AND that you love to write. It's very obvious when reading a story which authors truly love what they do and which ones are in it for the paycheck.
Regardless of any flaws, your passion for writing comes through loud and clear and THAT is something that transcends the mistakes. So ... no worries, okay? Every writer has to start somewhere. I still have a lot of my older stuff saved. *shudders* You wanna talk about mistakes ... good lord. Every once in a while I like pulling them out just to go, "lol, wut?" *grins*
Comments 9
Well done.
Reply
Reply
Reply
& I used to, but this isn't about my grandad :)
Reply
=o it's cool that you did drink tea with your grandfather, anyway! =p I've never done that with my grandparents before. =p
Reply
,i>When I walked through that door the smell of stale tobacco and strong whiskey hit me from a distance,
Those wrinkles were deep set into your face like pen to paper from your persistence,
I’ve said it before, but I’m gonna say it again: I love your imagery and description. That second line in particular is just wonderful. I’m also really liking the rhyming pattern you’re using here. It was very subtly done, but it reads cleanly and naturally. Very nicely done!
They appear to be the same from in the photograph from when I was born,This line reads a little awkwardly to me, particularly toward the middle with the “from in the photograph from” and especially when read after the line above it. Maybe experiment with rephrasing this to: They look the same as in the photograph from when I was born ( ... )
Reply
I laid my eyes on a beautiful painting from your wedding day that I clutched.
Same thing here with the rhyming, though that first line is fantastic. I love the fact that you introduced another bit of punctuation besides the comma here. It really helped to emphasize that everything’s remained the same. Just give that second line a good poke so that it’s equally awesome.
Nanna hasn’t come home in eight years grandpa but you still keep a smile,
Even in narrative, when someone is being addressed by name commas have to be used. So here, there needs to be a comma before and after “grandpa”, otherwise it reads a little oddly.
You should write down these stories that are unsaid,
This line makes me very sad. It’s something I wish more family members would do, just to keep our family history alive and known. I really hate the fact that our loved ones leave and take their memories with them. So … yeah. This line touched me.
( ... )
Reply
I am not the best when it comes to literature, spelling and everything...I just have a very visual creative mind & I love to write what I think, it does usually come out a little wrong but I just enjoy it and I think that most people can relate to my poetry and short stories.
Thankyou!
Reply
No worries: NO ONE is the best. Every writer has their strengths and weaknesses, but not a single one can claim to be the absolute, supreme best. Speaking specifically of you, I think your major strengths ARE the fact that you have great visual description, you relate to the reader emotionally, AND that you love to write. It's very obvious when reading a story which authors truly love what they do and which ones are in it for the paycheck.
Regardless of any flaws, your passion for writing comes through loud and clear and THAT is something that transcends the mistakes. So ... no worries, okay? Every writer has to start somewhere. I still have a lot of my older stuff saved. *shudders* You wanna talk about mistakes ... good lord. Every once in a while I like pulling them out just to go, "lol, wut?" *grins*
Reply
Leave a comment