EDITOR: Part Twotoxic_apiaceaeOctober 17 2010, 12:48:03 UTC
Her collection of ‘Hollywood Red’ lipsticks and dainty shoes were lined up colour coordinated; untouched, I laid my eyes on a beautiful painting from your wedding day that I clutched.
Same thing here with the rhyming, though that first line is fantastic. I love the fact that you introduced another bit of punctuation besides the comma here. It really helped to emphasize that everything’s remained the same. Just give that second line a good poke so that it’s equally awesome.
Nanna hasn’t come home in eight years grandpa but you still keep a smile,
Even in narrative, when someone is being addressed by name commas have to be used. So here, there needs to be a comma before and after “grandpa”, otherwise it reads a little oddly.
You should write down these stories that are unsaid,
This line makes me very sad. It’s something I wish more family members would do, just to keep our family history alive and known. I really hate the fact that our loved ones leave and take their memories with them. So … yeah. This line touched me.
Even though you cannot communicate she is still there, from midnight til noon,
The word “til” is actually an abbreviated form of the word “until”. This means that it needs to have an apostrophe in front of it to signify that it’s an abbreviation: ‘til.
We sit in silence in the garden drinking tea, Even without words, you are still a hero to me.
Awww, how sweet!
Overall Impressions:
Good stuff, Fine! Like I said above, I really love the descriptive elements you through in and how easy the majority of your rhyming lines feel. The structure you chose also allows the reader to choose how they want to read it: straight out prose or poetry. I love the layers to your style, how if the reader chooses to follow the rhyming rhythm it takes the piece to a new level.
I think the only critiques I had were in term of structure and word choice. There were a few places where the fluidity of your writing was broke up a bit by maybe too many words or a rhyming couplet that was a little forced. Other than that, the emotion was there, the sentiment was lovely, and you did a wonderful job paying homage to the older generations in our families. Well done!
Re: EDITOR: Part TwofineenglishteaOctober 17 2010, 20:10:42 UTC
Thankyou again for this, appreciate it :) I am not the best when it comes to literature, spelling and everything...I just have a very visual creative mind & I love to write what I think, it does usually come out a little wrong but I just enjoy it and I think that most people can relate to my poetry and short stories.
Re: EDITOR: Part Twotoxic_apiaceaeOctober 18 2010, 02:57:36 UTC
You're not the best at literature?
No worries: NO ONE is the best. Every writer has their strengths and weaknesses, but not a single one can claim to be the absolute, supreme best. Speaking specifically of you, I think your major strengths ARE the fact that you have great visual description, you relate to the reader emotionally, AND that you love to write. It's very obvious when reading a story which authors truly love what they do and which ones are in it for the paycheck.
Regardless of any flaws, your passion for writing comes through loud and clear and THAT is something that transcends the mistakes. So ... no worries, okay? Every writer has to start somewhere. I still have a lot of my older stuff saved. *shudders* You wanna talk about mistakes ... good lord. Every once in a while I like pulling them out just to go, "lol, wut?" *grins*
I laid my eyes on a beautiful painting from your wedding day that I clutched.
Same thing here with the rhyming, though that first line is fantastic. I love the fact that you introduced another bit of punctuation besides the comma here. It really helped to emphasize that everything’s remained the same. Just give that second line a good poke so that it’s equally awesome.
Nanna hasn’t come home in eight years grandpa but you still keep a smile,
Even in narrative, when someone is being addressed by name commas have to be used. So here, there needs to be a comma before and after “grandpa”, otherwise it reads a little oddly.
You should write down these stories that are unsaid,
This line makes me very sad. It’s something I wish more family members would do, just to keep our family history alive and known. I really hate the fact that our loved ones leave and take their memories with them. So … yeah. This line touched me.
Even though you cannot communicate she is still there, from midnight til noon,
The word “til” is actually an abbreviated form of the word “until”. This means that it needs to have an apostrophe in front of it to signify that it’s an abbreviation: ‘til.
We sit in silence in the garden drinking tea,
Even without words, you are still a hero to me.
Awww, how sweet!
Overall Impressions:
Good stuff, Fine! Like I said above, I really love the descriptive elements you through in and how easy the majority of your rhyming lines feel. The structure you chose also allows the reader to choose how they want to read it: straight out prose or poetry. I love the layers to your style, how if the reader chooses to follow the rhyming rhythm it takes the piece to a new level.
I think the only critiques I had were in term of structure and word choice. There were a few places where the fluidity of your writing was broke up a bit by maybe too many words or a rhyming couplet that was a little forced. Other than that, the emotion was there, the sentiment was lovely, and you did a wonderful job paying homage to the older generations in our families. Well done!
Reply
I am not the best when it comes to literature, spelling and everything...I just have a very visual creative mind & I love to write what I think, it does usually come out a little wrong but I just enjoy it and I think that most people can relate to my poetry and short stories.
Thankyou!
Reply
No worries: NO ONE is the best. Every writer has their strengths and weaknesses, but not a single one can claim to be the absolute, supreme best. Speaking specifically of you, I think your major strengths ARE the fact that you have great visual description, you relate to the reader emotionally, AND that you love to write. It's very obvious when reading a story which authors truly love what they do and which ones are in it for the paycheck.
Regardless of any flaws, your passion for writing comes through loud and clear and THAT is something that transcends the mistakes. So ... no worries, okay? Every writer has to start somewhere. I still have a lot of my older stuff saved. *shudders* You wanna talk about mistakes ... good lord. Every once in a while I like pulling them out just to go, "lol, wut?" *grins*
Reply
Leave a comment