Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Nineteen | part three

[fighter_of_moon]

PART TWO



Even though Kazuya had told him that his mother needed him to do something, Jin hadn’t exited his room after the younger had left. He had just taken back his guitar and started playing again, closing his eyes and letting himself wander through the labyrinths of his mind. He didn’t know how to interpret what had just happened between him and Kazuya, but as much as his heart wanted to believe in the boy’s words, Jin knew that it won’t be easy. After the second time they had been together and Kazuya had said all those things… everything had started to make sense in his head. Kazuya had never wanted him and he had told Jin in the beginning, but the actor had been too stubborn to accept the facts and face the reality. Kazuya had even left Japan to get away from him and when he had finally forgotten about Jin, he had come again to ruin his life for the second time.

Somehow, it was understandable that Kazuya had thought sleeping with Jin would make him go away for the second time too.

He jumped when the door opened with a loud crash and his mother appeared in its frame, yelling that he had wanted him to do a favor and then starting to cry that her son didn’t even bother to listen to her. Jin sighed and just complied with her wish, but as soon as he heard it, he wished he had refused from the beginning because now it was too late.

The doorbell rang only a few hours after and Jin forced himself to get out of bed and go greet the person that had come to have dinner with them. He really hated when his mom would make the matchmaker and would try to set him up with different girls, knowing that even if she had promised this time would be different, Jin knew better than to believe this.  That was why he was surprised to find himself smiling when his eyes fell on the gorgeous woman that had just entered their house.

“Yui!” he chirped happily, hurrying to climb down the last of the stairs and go trap his childhood friend into a big hug. “What are you doing here?” he then asked with a delighted voice, his eyes sparkling in a way they hadn’t been doing since a long time.

“Well, I accidentally met Misaki-chan yesterday and when I heard that you’re here too, I couldn’t wait to be here.” She laughed teasingly, her hand circling Jin’s waist, the same as the actor’s was doing on her. “I haven’t seen you for so long.” Yui added with a nostalgic tone, raising her head to gaze at Jin at which the actor rewarded with a smile and a kiss on her cheek.

“It’s been too long indeed.” Jin simply replied, thanking his mother from his eyes for this surprise and for the fact that she had felt he was depressed even if she didn’t know why.

On the couch, Kazuya had frozen to the core. It was obvious that the girl was a regular of the family and that Jin was more than pleased to see her. Did she use to be his girlfriend? Suddenly, Kazuya just wanted the earth to open and swallow him. He didn’t want to see Yui and Jin together, he didn’t want to realize how wrong he and Jin looked together. But he couldn’t leave, he couldn’t simply disappear without raising any questions, so he just had to stay there and smile like he wasn’t feeling anything towards Jin and the relationship he had with Yui.

“But come in.” Misaki interrupted them with a smile, showing them that the living room was waiting for them where she had put the table. “Jin, don’t keep her only for yourself.” She then scolded her son, taking Yui’s hand into her and dragging her to the couch where Kazuya was sitting. “I like you to meet one of Jin’s friends, Kamenashi Kazuya. She is Aragaki Yui, another one of Jin-kun’s friends.” She happily introduced the two of them, thinking that they should get along fine seeing as they both were Jin’s friends.

But then again, none of them had ever been just a friend to Jin.

Unbeknown to her, the moment when she said Kazuya’s name, Jin stiffened and stopped behind them, looking like only now he remembered about Kazuya’s presence and watching him intensively, a lost look on his face.

“Hello, I’m Kamenashi Kazuya.” The younger said with a charming smile, one he had practiced over the last year since with his acting. “Nice to meet you.” He bowed again, the smile never faltering. And he never looked once at Jin, he didn’t want to see the stars and the happiness this girl’s arrival had brought to him. And to realize once more what pain and grief his presence brought instead.

“Pleased to meet you too.” The girl made a little reverence, the smile from her face never faltering. “I see you have already been kidnapped by Jin.” She then laughed a little, referring to the fact that Jin had always had the habit to bring his friends home and stay for a few days even against their will sometimes.

Behind her, Jin wanted to laugh but just chuckled bitterly.

Well, the girl was cute, unlike one he had met a few years ago. At least, Yui wasn’t as possessive as Sayuri and didn’t hate him at first sight. “Actually, my car broke down a few miles away from Jin’s house.” He ruffled his head, looking embarrassed. “So, actually, I’m imposing on them.” He gave an apologetic bow to Misaki and her husband.

“Nonsense.” Misaki hurried to deny, waving her hand in dismissal. “It’s my pleasure to have you here as you’ve been helping me with cooking. I even dare to say that you’re better than me.” She laughed and Yui with Jin’s father followed her.

“Can we eat now?” Jin interrupted them rudely, not really caring and just entering the room and going straight to the table to sit down.

Kazuya looked after Jin, despising himself for being the one to ruin his suddenly good mood. “I guess we shouldn’t mess with someone hungry.” He tried to joke and lucky for him, it worked. Everyone shrugged Jin’s outburst as one of a hungry man and followed him at the table, Misaki making Yui sit next to Jin to Kazuya’s displeasure. He took the place facing Yui’s.

“Now, I’ll go and bring everyone’s plates.” Misaki said with a sudden clap and Kazuya stood up again, saying that he’ll help.

Kazuya felt warm around Jin’s mother, not like the other time when he had first met her. Back then, he thought of her as being overly dramatic over her son, but since he had spent more time with her than Jin right now, he concluded that she was an extraordinary mother, a wonderful woman, one that Jin had reasons to be proud of.

Five minutes later, both of them entered the living where Yui was animatedly telling a story and Jin was closely listening to her. The sight hit him in the gut and almost had him stop in his tracks, wanting to rush back into the kitchen where he couldn’t see the bright smile on Jin’s face just because of Yui. It only made him feel more miserable.

“Dinner is served~” Misaki sang and put one plate in front of her husband and another in front of her. Her husband gave her a loud peck on her cheek, making her giggle and playfully hit him on his head.

Kazuya couldn’t help but to smile at the scene. He then went to Jin’s side and put the plate in front of him, their hands slightly brushing against each other. He didn’t say anything, but proceeded to put the other plate in front of Yui. He then quickly went to bring his, though he would have loved to eat in the kitchen for tonight. But he couldn’t, so he returned, trying to look jovial and not like some lamb ready to be sacrificed.

So he sat down and let hell get loose.

But everything went well for the first quarter and Kazuya could actually smile for real, though each time he’d see Jin throwing Yui a bright and huge grin, there would be a thorn piercing his heart. And those grins weren’t few. But Kazuya couldn’t do anything about it, because he had been the one to erase Jin’s smile. So he should be grateful to others if they were able to bring it up again on Jin’s lips.

“Nee, darling, don’t Yui and Jin make a great couple?” Misaki suddenly asked his husband and Kazuya froze on his chair, his eyes lifting immediately to the named pair. To his shock, he saw Yui blushing and Jin shifting uncomfortably on the chair.

“Misaki-chan, I’m sure Jin has some lover out there in Tokyo or America. After all, he’s a handsome man.” Yui replied with that sweet voice of hers and Kazuya looked at Jin who was smiling like an idiot! What? He was pleased to hear he was a handsome man?! Heck, Kazuya could have told him too.

“I doubt that…” Misaki whined cutely and Kazuya glanced furtively at her. “He hasn’t brought a girl home since centuries ago! And he has the air of a lonely man, I don’t feel a woman’s hand around him!” She continued and Kazuya really wanted to leave there.

“Mom!” Jin suddenly said and Misaki looked at him with a pout.

“But I’m right, Jin. You don’t have a cute lover to bring home -”

“He has.” Kazuya suddenly blurted out and everyone stared at him intensely. Oh, God, could someone sew his mouth?! He looked at everyone in turn, intentionally skipping Jin. “What I mean,” he started to gesticulate, looking all flustered. “… is that last time he-he was with someone.” Kazuya stuttered, trying to smile, wishing that everyone could stop with the stares! “But maybe they broke up…” His voice subdued and Kazuya looked into his plate while everyone kept silent for a few moments.

“Mou, Jin! Why didn’t you tell me?” Misaki suddenly whined and everyone chuckled at this - everyone except Kazuya who was busy staring at his plate, hiding his embarrassment and foolishness and not noticing the looks that both Jin and his mother were throwing him.

“I don’t need to tell you everything about my relationships.” Jin rolled his eyes at his mother’s exaggerated reaction. “Besides, the last time he refers to was three years ago and it wasn’t serious as I’ve been dumped suddenly and without an explanation.” He shrugged innocently, throwing a piece of food into his mouth.

“You must have done something to make her leave.” Misaki concluded, shaking her head at her son’s bad habit of changing women so often and then stating that he didn’t know what went wrong.

“Now did I?” Jin asked himself and chuckled a little bitterly though it wasn’t that noticeable.

Kazuya suddenly felt his stomach queasy. “When in love, there are always misunderstandings.” He said out of the blue again and everyone looked at him expectantly. Kazuya should learn to control his mouth sometimes. “I-I think I’ll excuse myself now.” He said and pulled back the chair. “Thank you for the meal, it was delicious.” He bowed to Misaki and then with another short nod towards the rest, he excused himself from the table and fled to the room where he was sleeping.

God, what had gotten into him?! He wasn’t usually like this, he usually thought before talking! And now… now it seemed like he couldn’t stop himself, it was almost like the presence of Yui had made him want to defend his territory which was Jin. Because Jin was his.

Kazuya threw himself on the bed and groaned. God, he must have seemed like a lunatic! And how was he going to face Jin’s mother tomorrow? No, he’d pretend to be sick or better, just leave when everybody was sleeping, leaving a letter behind! Yes, he should do that and Jin would also love it, so… all the worst for the best.

But he couldn’t leave. No, he didn’t want to leave like this. Kazuya brought the pillow in his arms and clutched onto it tightly, just as he turned to look outside the window. Stars seemed to have appeared on the November sky. They were beautiful, but so far away - just like Jin. If he pretended, he could almost touch them, but in the end it was only an illusion he was willing to believe. Just like he was now with Jin. Even if he had touched and kissed Jin just yesterday, between them there was a gap as huge as the one between him and the stars he was seeing right now.

Will he ever close this distance?

He was brought out of his dreams by the sound of the door opening loudly. “What the hell is wrong with you?” Jin asked as he stepped in the room, closing the door to not be heard by the others who were still downstairs.

Kazuya jumped in his bed and swirled around to stare at Jin. “W-what?” He stuttered and took out the hair that just came into his eyes. “Jin, your guest -” he continued, pointing to the door, not being able to calm down his rapid beating heart. Why did Jin come here again? He shouldn’t have, it made Kazuya hope more.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Jin asked again, the tone of his voice clearly showing that he was upset and wasn’t in the mood to wait any longer for Kazuya’s bullshit. “What was that scene from earlier?!” he demanded an explanation, raising his voice a little.

Kazuya opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He just looked at Jin as if he was one of the stars he had been looking at and just popped inside his room, asking why he had wished for its fall. “You really want me to answer your questions?” Kazuya asked with a calm voice, gripping the pillow in his arms. “Do you really not know the reason behind my actions?” He looked at Jin with an expectant expression. If Jin was going to answer no, then he’d show him, because words weren’t enough sometimes.

“Those are my parents.” Jin decided to say, seeing that Kazuya still didn’t get it. “And Yui is a very dear friend that I haven’t seen for a long time.” He added, the frown on his face widening. “The last thing I want them to know is what kind of relationship I had with you!”

Kazuya paled. Every other thought he had regarding Jin vanished, in his mind all he could hear was Jin’s last sentence. His chest was hurting and he suddenly felt the need of fresh air, it was hurting him. “I’m sorry.” He lowered his head, not wanting to look at Jin anymore. “I didn’t realize what I was saying…” He added and there was more to his statement than he was letting show - I didn’t realize that you were bothered about our relationship being exposed in front of your parents and friends. It certainly hurt.

“I’m sure you didn’t.” Jin replied with a scoff, being plain obvious that he didn’t believe a word from what was Kazuya saying. “If you can’t keep your mouth shut, then don’t come downstairs at all.” He then said and turned his back to leave.

“It -” Kazuya started and stopped. “- bothers you.” He said and looked at Jin’s back who had stopped in his tracks. “Our relationship.” He added and there was something about his voice that simply sounded as if it was breaking. “Back then, you weren’t.” He let out a soft chuckle and without further words or actions, he lied down on the bed, curled around the pillow and once more gazing at the stars. At least, they would always be there up in the sky. Jin will someday leave him.

“No, I wasn’t.” Jin replied with a quiet voice, so low that he wasn’t sure that he had been heard. He took a deep breath and stared for a couple of seconds at the still closed door in front of him, finally deciding to turn around and look for the last time at Kazuya. “Back then, I was proud to introduce you as my lover and I wanted the whole world to know how lucky I was.” He confessed, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. Of course Kazuya hadn’t wanted anyone to know about them. It made sense now that he wanted to keep their relationship secret as he never had any intentions to go through with it. “But now… now I’m ashamed of how stupid I was.” He said and Jin needed another few moments to continue and say his true opinion. “Now I don’t want anyone to know that I was in love with you and that I stood so low to beg you to come back to me when the only thing you wanted was to get rid of me.” He continued and even if it sounded wrong for him too, he didn’t rectify a word from what he had said. He was aware that if someone asked him, Jin would have no problem in telling the truth and confessing how much he loved the younger boy, but… it was best to hide it. For ever.

“Then you’re really stupid.” Kazuya didn’t turn as he said those words, his whole body slightly shaking out of pain and anger. “Because I did introduce you as my lover in front of the person that mattered to me most in this world. And I wasn’t ashamed.” He continued and his voice shook a little towards the end. “But you forgot all that, believing in a lie I told just because I was hurt. And now you’re hurt and you still prefer the lie…” His voice faded as he clutched tighter on the pillow, trying to cage all of this pain that he didn’t want to let it out. Because he didn’t have the right.

Jin laughed again. “Yeah, like the other version is a lot better than this one.” He said with a mocking tone. “If it’s true that you hadn’t lied to me, then you never trusted me.” He accused, now the anger rising in him as he took one step towards the bed. “You preferred to believe that I just wanted to play with you and you left without caring if this is really the truth or not.” Jin said as he took one more step, fisting his palms and desperately trying to control himself. Even if they were upstairs and his family couldn’t really hear them if they raised their voices, it didn’t mean that they won’t be able to if Jin started screaming as he was dying to do. “You were hurt and decided to take revenge on me, to make me feel as much pain as you did, and now you feel guilty and want me back because you fooled yourself to believe that you still love me.” He concluded through gritted teeth, not wanting to show that maybe this story was even more painful than the first one.

At least, in that one, Kazuya was a jerk. In this one, they were both idiots who couldn’t be together because of a misunderstanding.

“Love is all about trust.” Jin continued before Kazuya had a chance to answer, suspecting that he’d start immediately to deny his words. “You never trusted me so maybe this means that you never loved me either.” he said, thinking that he had lived with the belief that Kazuya still loved him for three years without having a real proof of it. And Kazuya… had doubted his feelings in a matter of seconds.

“If I didn’t love you back then, I wouldn’t have left because I felt hurt.” Kazuya replied with a hoarse voice, biting his lower lip so hard that he felt it go numb. “If I never loved you, I wouldn’t have needed you when I was all alone. I wouldn’t have gone to your concert just to see you even from afar.” He continued and there was a definite sob in his voice. “But even if I say all this, you won’t believe it. Because you prefer believing I never loved you, because it’s easier this way to shoo me away.” Kazuya added and hid his face in the pillow. Oh, God, why did he have to fall in love with Jin? “But even if right now it hurts, I’ll show you that I have loved you back then and still love you now.”

Jin looked frozen for a few seconds, the fact that Kazuya had come to his concert still not being processed. Why? Why would he have done that? Why did he come if the only thing he wanted was to stay away from Jin? “It’s my fault.” The older said with a bitter tone and let his head fall down, not having the strength to look at Kazuya anymore. “I insisted too much and I pursued you until you thought you had fallen in love with me.” He said the only conclusion that seemed reasonable to him. “I’m sorry.” He then added, the regret and guilt plan obvious in his voice. He had to stay away from Kazuya, as far as possible. They had fallen into this bad romance and both of them need to get away from it until it was too late.

What?! Kazuya turned around to find Jin closer than expected. “W-what?” He said with a trembling voice. “What are you saying?” He looked at Jin with an incredulous and hurt look on his face. Then out of nowhere, he threw the pillow at Jin before jumping out of the bed and grabbing Jin by the face, making him look at him. “I know what I feel about you, it’s not something I’m deluding myself into.” He said with an angry voice, his eyes all flared up and his nails slightly digging in Jin’s cheeks. “So don’t you dare say I’m not in love with you.”

“Why?” Jin simply asked, like it was the most normal thing in the world though his broken voice showed the contrary. “You never believed me when I said that I love you.” He pointed out, feeling his heart starting to beat faster and faster, threatening to run out of his chest, but Jin wasn’t that sure what was the reason for it; if it was the sudden closeness with Kazuya, the fire that he saw burning in his eyes or the suffering that he was forced once again to live as he looked into those brown orbs he had loved the most.

“I believed you.” Kazuya replied with a hushed voice, his eyes still locked with Jin’s. “But I was too weak to stay, I was too weak to believe that you might love me even after we slept together.” He continued and there was this way the corners of his mouth dropped that made you see just how bitter and regretful he was over this mistake of his. “I wasn’t doubting us at that moment, I was doubting the future, how we will become later. I was afraid of loving you more and of you one day realizing that you don’t love me as you thought and then decide to go back to your former life. But I believed your words of love back then, my mistake was that I also believed your other words too.” Kazuya’s hold on Jin’s face turned a bit softer this time, almost like a caress.

It was clear that Jin didn’t believe a word from what he had said, as much as he wanted to. But he couldn’t, not after all the rejections and all those words that Kazuya had said to make him go away. He couldn’t trust Kazuya after he had destroyed the last bit of hope that Jin still had for them. He had kept going for three years with nothing to hold onto than his memories and now… they had been destroyed too. “You were doubting me.” He chose to say, pointing out that even if Kazuya had been afraid of loving Jin more, he also feared that Jin will love him less. “And you always will.” He said, lifting his hands and covering Kazuya’s, slowly bringing them down from his cheeks.

Kazuya let his hands down, looking all beaten up - because mentally he really was. “I see that my words won’t reach you anymore.” He said with a low voice, choosing to look at the space between their bodies than at Jin. “Then I won’t try to convince you anymore through words.” He looked up at him and there was a fire burning in his eyes that Jin’s cold reject would never be able to put down. “I will show you.” He said with a determined voice and grabbed onto Jin’s hand, bringing it where his heart was beating fast. In the same time, he put his over Jin’s chest, feeling the same frantic beating as his own heart had. “You came for me after three years. I won’t turn away until this heartbeat I feel under my palm will cease to beat for me.” Kazuya added with a determined voice, his eyes never leaving Jin’s.

“For what?” Jin laughed and pulled his hand out of Kazuya’s, taking a step back to set a small distance between them. “To hurt me more? To annoy me more? To remind me of what I can’t have?” he asked, shaking his head and turning his back on Kazuya. “I don’t want you to show me anything, I just want you out of my life.” he said with a determined voice, heading once more to the door.

But Kazuya grabbed him by the hand and pulled the older one towards him, meeting his lips halfway and kissing him hungrily. He had been too close to Jin and not being able to touch him or kiss him for three years had been too much of a torture. And now that he could, but wasn’t allowed was an even greater one. So if he had to take by force, he’ll take it then. Because Jin loved him, Jin still belonged to him and he’ll make sure that he’ll think only about him and no one else. And yes, he was jealous over that girl downstairs that could easily have Jin, that could easily love him without obstacles or lies. So he needed to kiss Jin, he needed him here and not alone with some other girl. But Jin was once more coldly rejecting him and in the end, Kazuya had to pull back, though he was still close to him. “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you this favor. I’ll still be in your life.” He said with a whisper and let go of Jin this time, taking a few steps back.

He didn’t receive and answer and the door closed behind Jin with a slam.

*

He was still feeling sleepy and he could barely see what he was doing. The party had continued until late to the night and Jin had also driven Yui home as she had come with a taxi and not her own car. He couldn’t stop yawning as he dragged his legs to the sink to wash his hands, cursing when the cold jet of water hit his hands and made him a little more awake than he already was. He couldn’t wait to get back into bed and as he opened the door to the bathroom, his barely open eyes widened as the figure of someone came into his vision.

“Kazuya?” he whispered the name, wondering what was the younger doing at this late hour. He was also fully dressed while Jin was still in a pair of shorts and a T-shirt after being rudely woken up by his need to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. Luckily, it seemed that he hadn’t been heard and before he realized what he was doing, he hid in a corner and watched Kazuya go to his room. Jin couldn’t help a snort when he saw the boy lifting his hand and wanting to open the door from Jin’s room, but to the older one’s surprise, Kazuya didn’t go through with it and let his hand fall down along his body, turning around and going to the stairs.

Well, now that had been weird, Jin decided as he continued to watch Kazuya climb down the stairs and sighing to himself as he threw one last look to the house. But he shouldn’t care, right? It wasn’t his business what Kazuya wanted to do even if it was his own house and the younger was a guest. He’ll find out later anyway as he was sure that Kazuya would have the pleasure to inform him about his late night walk. Maybe he wanted to know the neighborhood better and decided that if he couldn’t sleep, this was the perfect time. Yeah, this must be it, Jin thought as he walked back to his own room, determined to not think anymore at this.

Wait, why was Kazuya dragging his suitcase too?

He didn’t wait any more and dashed through the stairs, climbing down two at a time and opening the door with too much strength as he darted out of the house. “Kazuya!” he yelled his name, seeing that the boy had just exited the house and was on his way to his car which Jin had brought at his house that morning at his mother’s request.

Kazuya froze on the spot. No, it couldn’t be. Why would Jin suddenly wake up and call his name? He must be delusional again, yes, he was wishing for Jin to come after him and stop him from leaving. But the voice had been too clear in the silence of the night and it had pierced right through his heart. If there was no one behind him, if there was no Jin, then Kazuya really needed to get out of there. So he turned slowly, almost closing his eyes, not really wanting to see what his delusional mind was making him hear. But when he came across a silhouette and one he knew very well, Kazuya’s eyes snapped wide open, looking at Jin with an incredulous expression on his face. Why?

“What are you doing?” Jin asked a little breathless, though it was already more than obvious what were Kazuya’s intentions as their eyes met and Jin faced him without backing away.

Kazuya looked away, gripping his suitcase a bit tighter. “I’m leaving.” He said with a hoarse voice. “Just like you want.” He then added with a whisper, not really wanting to be heard by Jin.

“I didn’t want you to leave in the middle of the night and without saying anything to anyone.” Jin pointed out, lifting an amused eyebrow as his eyes skimmed over Kazuya’s figure. Somehow, these words seemed awfully familiar and Jin felt a sting of pain as they rolled out of his lips, remembering the last time he had woken up to find himself alone. “Mom would be worried sick and it’s not polite to leave without saying goodbye after you’ve been taken care of.” He continued, his tone slightly cold or maybe it was because of the coldness that was starting to take control of his body. “And a phone call won’t do.” He quickly added, remembering that Kazuya had wanted to do this a day before too.

“I left a note where I expressed my regret for leaving like this.” Kazuya said as he forced himself to look at Jin, trying to understand why was the older one stopping him now when all he had wanted was for him to leave as soon as possible. And he didn’t seem to care if he did it by foot or in the middle of the night. “And I’ll call too, I’ll send my apologies along with a gift… I’m not rude.” He ended up with a slight whine in his voice.

“You are already rude if you leave like a thief from our house.” Jin snapped, annoyed by Kazuya’s answers and by his stubbornness to leave this way. “But then again, mom should be grateful that she had received at least a note from you, right?” He snorted and rolled his eyes, crossing his arms in front of his chest in a useless attempt to warm himself up, the accusation from his voice being more than obvious.

Kazuya’s cheeks reddened and he looked sad, but luckily for him it was night, so it wasn’t that noticeable. “Better get inside, you’re freezing.” He said and then turned to head for his car. If he dragged this conversation with Jin any longer, there would be no end to the pain it brought to both of them. And for now, Kazuya decided that it was for the best if he left the house and let Jin have some peace without him. Just for a while.

“Are you going to leave me again?” Jin said before having time to examine his words and realize how wrong they sounded. He seemed to notice though a moment later when he cleared his throat and tried to rephrase his words. “I mean…” he started but stopped, realizing that he had no idea what to say. It wasn’t right, he shouldn’t be there, stopping Kazuya from leaving. Instead he should be happy that he was finally going to get rid of him and all the painful emotions that crossed his face every time their eyes would meet.

He growled and walked to where Kazuya was, grabbing his arm and turning him around. “For cryin’ out loud, do things like a normal person does, at least once in your life!” he demanded, his tone slightly irritated but still determined.

Even in the dark night, one could see the glisters of the tears that had fallen from Kazuya’s eyes. And he didn’t even realize them, but he knew what triggered them - it was Jin’s question that had ripped his heart apart, making him feel like the scum he was. “I’m doing them.” He replied with a pained voice. “I’m offering you back the peace I stole when I arrived at your doorstep.” He continued and tried feebly to pull his hand away from Jin’s.

If the older one was surprised or even shocked by Kazuya’s tears, he didn’t show anything more than his eyes widening a little and then returning back to their original color. “As I said, do it as a normal person does.” He said, though his voice was now a lot calmer and even a little gentle as his eyes found Kazuya’s. His left hand continued to keep the younger there while Jin raised his other one to wipe the tears from the boy’s eyes, his expression blank but his eyes full of uncertainty. “You promised mom to stay for a couple more days, right?” he then asked with a light tone, not being able to stop the guilt from crushing him from inside. Was he the one to make Kazuya cry? It was hard for him to believe even in Kazuya’s tears anymore, but… “So come back inside.” Jin decided and pulled a little on the boy’s arm.

Kazuya didn’t know what to make of this anymore. He simply looked at Jin, his lower lip trembling, making him look like a kicked puppy. Why was he making his decision to leave weaken? Why couldn’t Jin simply let him leave, showing that he didn’t care, that whatever happened with Kazuya wasn’t his business anymore? Why was he building up his hopes, only to crush them in the end? “Jin… are you -” He started, but then stopped, his voice feeble and wavering. “- sure?” he completed, asking Jin’s permission for coming once more in the house.

“Do you know me as being someone who does things without wanting to?” Jin pointed out, lifting an eyebrow but not waiting for an answer. He just pulled on Kazuya’s hand, their fingers entwining as Jin took the suitcase from the boy’s hand and dragged him back to the house. He didn’t want to think anymore at what he was doing. He just knew that he wasn’t heartless to let Kazuya leave like this. He just knew that his heart would break if he were to be the one to cause Kazuya to cry like this.

The younger one gripped a little tighter on Jin’s hand, enjoying this happiness that will soon disappear as Jin will realize what he was truly doing. “I -” he wanted to say something, but he really didn’t know what and soon enough they entered the house and had to keep quiet not to wake the others. For so long he had believed that his relationship with Jin had been wrong, but right now he knew that it never felt so right just as he held onto Jin and was being led back into his temporary room. Kazuya wished for this moment to never end.

They got inside Kazuya’s room and silence fell over them. Jin released his hand and Kazuya felt pained again. He didn’t want him to leave. “Thank you…” he whispered as he looked at Jin, his eyes desperately searching for something to tell him that it was right to keep this hope alive in his soul. “And I’m sorry, I’m causing you trouble again.” He then lowered his head, looking sad. “But… I wanted to do something…” he stopped and looked at Jin pleadingly. “…for you.”

Jin refrained to say that if he wanted to do something for him, then he shouldn’t have come there at all. But instead he just smiled and patted Kazuya on his head, feeling that maybe he could let go of his hurt and betrayal for a few seconds. It was kind of alright being with Kazuya, Jin had noticed, but only as long as they didn’t talk about their relationship or anything important. “Just don’t do stuff like this anymore, okay?” He said, thinking that no matter how much Kazuya said that it had all been a lie and he really loved Jin, his tactics were still the same and they still hurt Jin as much.

Kazuya leaned in the touch, closing his eyes as a sigh left his lips. “Can you hold me… tonight?” He asked, not opening his eyes to not see the sudden disdain his request will bring on Jin’s face.

Though he would have been surprised to see something else in Jin’s eyes, a flicker of want and desire, but also with pain as he knew that they shouldn’t be doing things like this. It was wrong because they had no future together and things like this would only cause them to suffer more. “Go to sleep.” Instead Jin replied, choosing not to answer Kazuya’s question directly and letting his hand fall down as he turned to leave.

“If you can’t…” Kazuya suddenly said, gathering his entire courage to face and accept Jin’s rejection again. “… then stay until I fall asleep.” He asked, the plea in his voice obvious. “Just… stay with me.” He added and completed in his head - don’t let me go.

Jin stopped in his tracks as he seemed to ponder on Kazuya’s request. He was kind of grateful that he had his back turned on Kazuya because Jin didn’t know if he would have been able to look at him and pretend like everything was okay. He had yearned for these words for so long that it felt almost impossible that he was hearing them now. He had wished for Kazuya to want to stay with him, to be with him and to forget all about Ryo and everyone else. He had wanted to kidnap Kazuya and to keep him all for himself, to not let anyone see him, in fear that they would notice how great Kazuya was and try to steal him from Jin.

He had wished for these words for three years. “See you in the morning.” But still, this was the only answer Jin could give as he exited the room, slowly closing the door behind him and leaning on it to catch his breath. This was for the best.

Inside the room, Kazuya let out a sound that seemed of a wounded animal.