Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Nineteen | part two

[fighter_of_moon]

PART ONE



In the room across his, Jin was pacing around nervously. Why was the younger one here? What was he trying to accomplish by doing such stupid things when he should already know that Jin won’t give in and won’t believe him again? Because it was hard, it was so difficult to know that Kazuya was just next door and that Jin couldn’t do anything about it - not to chase him away, not to bring him close either. His trust in the other one was completely shattered and he was aware that it probably won’t ever come back - he had been hurt too much.

It had been fine to think that Kazuya had forgotten about him. It had been fine to make himself believe that someone had said something to the younger one that had made him leave Jin so suddenly and without saying a word. It had also been fine for him to know that Kazuya was together with Ryo and that they had ever slept together - though Jin wasn’t sure at all now about this. But to know that after spending so much time together, Kazuya would just leave because of a comment of his… While it was true that what he had said wasn’t pretty at all and that Kazuya had all the right to be mad at him, it was also true that he hadn’t meant those words. He hadn’t meant to say that the younger one had remained the same person in his life.

It made Jin laugh. He was a person always followed by some other people and pictures with him in compromising positions were prone to appear while they were going out. Would Kazuya have reacted the same at those too? Jin had been busy with filming the movie and being with his lover back then so he hadn’t been going out that much - he hadn’t even done that much promotions before Kazuya had simply disappeared. But in normal circumstances, he would have gone out with his colleagues and would have been flirting with the female star of his movie in order to attract more viewers and more fans.

He didn’t even want to think about what would have happened.

Jin sighed as he heard his mother call him for the third time in a row, showing that she was starting to become a little impatient and anxious about him and making her son dash on the stairs as he knew that he shouldn’t anger his mother more than she probably was with his disobedience regarding Kazuya.

“What?” he said with a long sigh, entering the kitchen and looking at the full plate which his mother had in her hands. “No.” Jin added with a firm tone and Misaki clicked her tongue.

“You’re going to take this to Kamenashi-kun and you’re going to talk to him about whatever problems you two have.” She said with a demanding and determined voice, silently telling Jin that he didn’t have any say in this and that he had to do as she pleased as long as he was staying under her roof - Misaki had always been loving but strict with her son after all.

“I really don’t want to.” Jin said with a sigh, further entering the kitchen and sitting at the table, his head in his hands as he hid his face full with disappointment and hurt from the one person who could read him better than anyone else and know him better than he knew himself. “It’s complicated.” He added with a tired voice, aware that his mother will want explanations.

“Then tell me.” Misaki demanded with a motherly tone, sitting down next to her son and patting him on the head in a gentle manner, caressing him so that he would feel more comfortable to share his worries with her.

Jin took a deep breath. “We were friends.” He admitted. “We just clicked at some point and we became inseparable, we used to spend every second available together while I was in Japan the last time. And then he just left, without saying anything. He disappeared for three years and then he came back with Ryo, being a new star in his movie.” He told, his figure slumped and defeated as he remember how awful he had felt that morning, three years ago, when he had found himself alone in his room and with no Kazuya in sight, with no Kazuya to answer to his calls and with no Kazuya to tell him how much he loved him.

He should have known that it was all a dream - it was too good to be true.

“With Ryo-chan?” Misaki asked surprised. “Then he was the boy Ryo-chan had been talking about.” She concluded with a thoughtful expression, making her son look up at her.

“What do you mean?”

“Ryo-chan told me that he has a new assistant and about how fond he is of him. He would always talk about him in a gentle manner and at first, I didn’t even know he was talking about a guy. I thought that it was a woman and that he had fallen in love again.” Misaki confessed with a guilty expression, realizing that maybe she could have helped her son if only she had asked - but now it was too late and she couldn’t have known that the boy Ryo was talking about was the same that had made Jin miserable for three years and continued to do so as she suspected.

Jin laughed a bitter laugh. “Well, they are together now so you weren’t that wrong.” He said with a hurtful voice, settling his elbows on the table and leaning his head on them, ruffling his hair in frustration. “They were together and not even my best friend told me anything about that.” He added, feeling like strength was once again leaving his body as confusion and pain came back to him. He didn’t want to remember all this, he didn’t want to remember that it was all true and that the one he loved had cheated on him with one of the people he trusted the most.

“Are you sure Ryo-chan loves him?” Misaki asked and Jin looked up at her once more, surprise and confusion written in his eyes more clearly than ever. “The way he was talking about him…” she trailed off and bit her lower lip as she searched for the perfect words, “it made me look back, at the way he used to talk about Kazue.” She confessed and Jin widened his eyes in shock.

Now that he thought about it, Kazue had been a lot like Kazuya - both of them were stubborn, both of them were determined and hard-working and there was something about their appearance that could make one think of them as being brothers. Of course, this wasn’t the case and Jin hadn’t seen the connection before but… was it possible? Had Ryo fallen in love with Kazuya because his personality was so much alike with his first love, Kazue?

He could still remember how devastated Ryo had been by her death and the night when Ryo had called him and had told him with a broken voice to come to the hospital was imprinted in his mind. The sight of his friend covered by blood - by her blood - was still leaving his breathless and was making his heart beat faster as the fear of losing him came back. Jin had never been as terrified as that night when he had found out that Ryo and Kazue had been involved in a car accident, that he was fine but she was in a coma - and she never made it.

After spending all of their childhood together and after promising to be together and making their vows to get married as soon as possible, they had been separated.

Jin could understand why was Ryo so protective of Kazuya right now.

“I don’t know.” Jin sighed deeply, feeling more tired than ever as he stood up and smiled at his mother. “All I know is that I’m never going to forgive Kazuya for what he had done to me. He used me and then left me like a piece of junk and I’m never going to forget that.” He confessed and didn’t even mention all the other lies as he took the tray, exiting the kitchen and heading towards the other one’s room. He clicked his tongue once more, annoyed that he had been forced to bring Kazuya his food, and knocked on the boy’s door, not waiting for an answer and just going in. His cheeks flushed at the image in front of him and Jin could feel his blood starting to circle faster, his heart pounding in his chest and his breath stopping for a while. He immediately closed his eyes and opened them a second later, not being able to resist the urge to watch more the person that had always managed to make him go crazy with just a simple look and hornier than he had ever been with just a simple touch.

Oh, God, why was he punished right now to see Kazuya naked?!

The younger ruffled his wet hair with the towel before noticing Jin standing in the middle of the room and looking at him with a transfixed expression. He let out a soft yelp and he tried to cover himself with the towel, though you could see that he was fighting back the urge to smile. And then an idea clicked in his mind as he let the towel fall to his feet and he went to Jin, looking all angelic and not at all bothered by his nakedness.

“You brought me dinner.” Kazuya said on a low and husky voice as he took the tray from Jin’s hands, briefly touching them. He glanced to his left and put the tray on the table there. “Thank you.” He added as he turned again to Jin and out of blue, he leaned closer and kissed Jin. “And here’s dessert…” He murmured close to the older one’s lips, his hands slipping into Jin’s, lacing their fingers together.

Jin felt his entire body stiffen at the sudden contact, closing his eyes like a child who wanted to make the darkness disappear by not looking at it anymore. He felt like he couldn’t breathe, not when Kazuya’s body was so close to his, not when he could almost feel his skin touching his even if it was supposed to be an already forgotten memory. He unconsciously tightened the hold on the boy’s hands, almost crushing them but not being aware of his actions. As he opened his eyes a little to look at Kazuya, he found himself not being able to move or to do anything than just watch Kazuya and ignore the desire pulsing in his veins.

No, it was wrong. He had to get away from it, to step back!! But he didn’t, trapped by the spell that Kazuya had thrown on him and caught in the cage created by his brown orbs which had always managed to leave Jin in a daze, especially when they were looking at him like that.

“D-Don’t t-touch m-me.” He blabbered, cursing that he couldn’t control his voice from stuttering or that he sounded more sexually deprived than in pain.

Kazuya smiled and drew closer, kissing Jin’s lips once more. “Why?” He whispered and he kissed Jin’s chin this time, ignoring the grip that was tightening even more on his hands. “I want to…” He pressed another kiss somewhere below the chin. “You want me to…” Another kiss, this time on the neck where Kazuya could feel the sudden rush of the blood. He knew, felt and saw the desire in Jin and it kind of made him happy. After all, Kazuya still appealed to him, Jin still wanted him even if it was sexually. “Kiss me, Jin.” The younger looked at him and he was once more close to his lips, their breaths entwining.

Jin gulped and forced himself to swallow the lump from his throat. “Yes, I want to kiss you more than anything.” He confessed, hating the fact that his voice was still trembling and despising the way his body screamed for Kazuya’s touch. “My body wants you.” He added, repeating Kazuya’s words from a few days ago when he had rejected Jin. But he didn’t stop here because he wasn’t a coward. He wasn’t afraid to admit what he was feeling. “My heart wants you.” Jin said and he could almost feel his heart stop beating as the words escaped his lips. He braced himself and leaned down a bit to touch Kazuya’s lips into a short kiss, parting almost immediately and releasing his hands in the same time. “But I don’t.” he ended, his voice a little calmer though it was still clear how affected he still was by the inexistent distance between them.

It hurt and Kazuya couldn’t help but feel angry at himself. Because it was his fault that Jin was hurting, his fault that he himself was hurting too, his fault that the hope sprouted at the light kiss Jin just gave to him had been crushed; everything was his fault. And maybe this was why he was this desperate. “But I do.” He let out with a growl and glued his body to Jin’s, his hands pulling the older one in a heated and angry kiss. He forced his tongue past Jin’s lips, meeting his, exploring his mouth, taking all and giving all.

Jin couldn’t help but to answer to the kiss. This was all so familiar even if they hadn’t kissed that many times lately and it had been too long since the time they were used to be kissing all the time. The way Kazuya’s body arched under his hand which Jin unconsciously brought to the boy’s back, holding him closer and enjoying the soft feeling of his hand on the younger’s naked skin, was driving him crazy and was only making him want more. Jin opened his mouth and plugged his tongue deeper into Kazuya’s mouth, devouring it and searching every inch of it to remind the feeling of kissing Kazuya daily.

He had missed this. He had missed such a yearning Kazuya, a Kazuya who didn’t reject him and who didn’t answer to his kisses only when he was losing his mind in the heart of the moment. He had missed being with Kazuya like this, with no restraining and with nothing to stop them. But…

Things weren’t the same anymore.

Jin pushed Kazuya a little, still keeping the close distance between them as both of them tried to regain their breaths. Their eyes searched each other, wanting to know what was the other thinking, but none of them reaching a conclusion. “Satisfied now?” Jin asked as he bit on his lower lip and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, taking one step back. “If you want to sleep with me again, sorry, but I’m not interested.” He added with a voice as cold as he could muster, though he couldn’t hide the heavy breathing and the increasing desire.

Even if Jin’s words stung him poisonously, Kazuya felt more enraged and under impulse, he pulled on Jin’s hand, pushing him on the bed behind them. He quickly straddled him, holding his hands down to bed. “You’re lying.” Kazuya hissed close to Jin’s lips, his tongue teasingly tracing his mouth. “You’re interested.” He continued and pulled on the lower lip. “It’s just that you don’t want to be.” He concluded and went along Jin’s arms until he reached the fingers and entwining them. “You don’t want to be.” Kazuya whispered and pressed his lips against Jin’s, his tongue skimming over them, this time asking for permission.

Jin moved only to lean his head on one side, as far as he could from Kazuya’s lips. No, he didn’t want this. He didn’t want to kiss Kazuya and he didn’t want to sleep with him either. Not as long as he knew that he’d be dumped the next morning again. He had had enough of this and, as much as he loved Kazuya, he wasn’t able to let him do what he wanted anymore. “No, I don’t want to be.” Jin said with a small voice, not even realizing how weak he sounded. “I don’t want to love you and I don’t want to see you. I don’t want to remember that night and this is the only thing I’m able to do when I look at you.” He confessed, his voice breaking a little towards the end. Pain had completely replaced the faint desire he had felt earlier, before Kazuya had thrown him desperately on the bed.

It had reminded Jin of how desperate he had been too.

“Are you enjoying seeing me like this?” he then asked, turning his head to face Kazuya and not reacting this time at all at the closeness of their lips.

But Kazuya looked as pained as Jin as he let go of him, stood up and then got off to collect his towel, wrapping it against his waist. “No.” He answered to Jin’s last question, now facing the window and not Jin. He couldn’t look at him and realize once more what he had done and how his actions had hurt Jin again. “I’m sorry.” He said as he brought a trembling hand to his lips, cursing the warmth and sweetness Jin’s ones had left behind, torturing him. “I won’t force you again, but I won’t stop either.” Kazuya continued, closing his eyes, to keep all the tears behind his eyelids. “Thank your mother for dinner, I’m grateful to her.”

Jin sighed, but still not moved from where he was sprawled on the bed. “This isn’t going anywhere, Kazuya.” He said with a tired voice, feeling his entire body going numb. He couldn’t deny that his heart kept on skipping a beat every time Kazuya announced that he won’t give up no matter what, but Jin still wasn’t sure if it was because he was happy because he would see more of the boy or devastated because he’ll just end up hurting more. “This game that you are playing has to end because I won’t play it this time.”

Kazuya let out a soft chuckle. “This is not a game anymore, it had never been.” He replied, biting on his lip, to stop it from trembling. “I’ll do anything to reach you again.” This time he turned and looked at Jin, to show him that he was serious and not in hell backing away. “Even if it kills me in the end.” A broken smile appeared on his teary but determined face.

This time, Jin couldn’t suppress a laugh from escaping his lips. “You’ll do anything to reach me again?” he repeated the boy’s words with a mocking tone as he stretched more on the wide bed. “You never reached me on your own, you don’t even know how to do it.” He simply stated, disappointed that Kazuya was using such tactics, lying and deceiving and not showing whom he truly was.

Not that Jin was interested, by the way.

“For everything is a beginning.” Kazuya replied, not feeling discouraged by Jin’s dismissive words and laugh. “And I might be wrong again in my choices, but I’ll do anything to have you back. And while you might not like it, this is who I am and whom you love.” He continued and passed a hand over his cheeks, wiping the traces of his tears. He shouldn’t be crying, no, he had no reason to.

“I don’t even know if the one that I love exists or is just as fake as your lies.” Jin muttered for himself, though it was loud enough for Kazuya to hear too. “Anyway!” he said quickly, standing up and smiling brightly as he looked at the younger. “Tomorrow you’ll leave from here and I won’t see you ever again.” He said, sounding delighted but looking not so. “So do what you want.” He dismissed the problem and turned to the door to leave the room. He wasn’t sure how much he’ll be able to stay there and pretend like this.

“My love for you had never been fake and you know it.” Kazuya said with a loud and clear voice. “But right now it hurts and you’d believe everything else except what’s the truth.” He continued and a sad smile appeared again on his face. “I’ve been there.”

Jin’s stopped in the door’s frame, fisting his palms to refrain his urge of smashing something when he heard Kazuya comparing himself with him. “You left without a word and I still believed you love me.” He replied, his voice shaking as he tried to fight the urge to scream the words rather than say them calmly. “You disappeared for three years and I still believed you love me.” He continued and it was visible that his whole body was trembling. “You came back, you told me that you slept with Ryo, you threw away our rings and I still believed that you love me. But now…” He sighed and turned to look at Kazuya, the pain and suffering that he had been enduring until now clear on his face. “I never stopped believing that you love me no matter how much it hurt, but now I know you don’t.” he said and a small bitter smile curled up his lips. “I fooled myself for too long but I’m not going to do it again.” Jin announced his decision and left the room in a hurry.

“But I do.” Kazuya let himself crumble to the floor, feeling all cold and it wasn’t because he didn’t have clothes on, but because there was a cold in his body and heart that he couldn’t quite warm up right now. Kazuya stood curled up on his spot, re-thinking all he had done, all that had happened.

Jin still loved him, that was for sure. He just needed to convince Jin that Kazuya loved him too. He’ll do it, no matter what, because their love was true, it was just shaken.

*

“Morning.” Jin greeted sleepily, not even bothering to fully open his eyes and look through the room to see if there really was someone there to answer. He just slumped on one chair and rested his head on the table, too tired to do anything else than this and just inhaling the alluring scent that was spread through the whole kitchen.

Kazuya looked at the sleepy Jin and chuckled together with Misaki. “Morning.” He replied softly, not really wanting to be heard by Jin, but also not to seem impolite. He hoped that Jin didn’t hear him as his mother had been more cheerful in greeting her son.

“Coffeeee…” Jin whined, not really being able to see or to hear anything in the morning, even if it wasn’t still that late. He would have liked to sleep more but he knew that it was impossible after he had opened his eyes and glanced through the room, remembering where he was and what had happened the day before. He just hoped that Kazuya had left already and he wouldn’t be forced to see him at breakfast too.

And as fate loves playing pranks, it was Kazuya who put a mug filled with coffee in front of him. “You like it sweet, right?” He asked, trying to avoid looking at Jin. Oh boy, he wasn’t going to like it.

Jin’s head snapped up and looked at Kazuya with wide eyes. “I thought you already left.” He whispered as for himself, blinking and rubbing the heel of his hand against his eyes to make sure that he wasn’t seeing wrong.

But Kazuya heard Jin’s whisper and with an apologetic smile, he said sorry and turned to the counter, next to Misaki who was humming happily. She asked Kazuya to cut something for her just as she turned and saw her son looking a bit dumbfounded. “Jin, I never knew you had a friend so talented in cooking!” Misaki said briskly as she went to the fridge from where she retrieved a bottle of milk.

“Akanishi-san, I’m not much.” Kazuya said quickly, looking all embarrassed, but the woman granted him a big and wholehearted smile. He ended up smiling back, though his cheeks were kind of pink.

“And he’s cute and polite.” Misaki chuckled as she put the milk on the table where Jin was.

“He’s not cute at all.” Jin argued with a pout and a slight annoyed voice, sipping from his mug and closing his eyes at the taste of the coffee. It was exactly how he liked it, not too hot to burn his tongue and not too cold to leave it without the rich taste. It somehow reminded him of the coffee Kazuya used to make for him and a glance at the younger told him more than enough.

It really was Kazuya who had made it. “I thought you said you’ll leave in the morning.” Jin said innocently like it had been a simple statement, facing Kazuya’s eyes and taking advantage of the fact that his mother was with her back at them and couldn’t see them.

“I was -” Kazuya started to say, but Misaki cut in abruptly.

“He wanted to do so, but I couldn’t let him leave with having breakfast, could I?” She said with the air of someone who just wanted to do good, but everyone who knew Akanishi Misaki could definitely tell that she had more up her sleeve. “But then I saw that he’s a natural talent and I think I’ll keep him for a couple of days more.” She smiled brightly at Kazuya, ignoring her son whose face had fallen behind her back.

Kazuya looked panicked all of a sudden. “I-I don’t know if it’s right…” He stuttered, making Misaki chuckle.

“Oh, don’t worry. You show me your cooking skills and I show you mine. It’s a win-win situation.” Misaki winked and Kazuya couldn’t help but smile at the use of English words as win-win. Like mother, like son. “Now sit down, let me serve you breakfast.” She smiled as she ushered Kazuya to sit next to Jin, ruffling both of their hair.

Jin didn’t say anything and just waited in silence for his mom to serve them breakfast. He watched her skip around the kitchen and Jin suddenly wondered if he hadn’t made a mistake in telling his mother that things weren’t exactly good between him and Kazuya. He should have known that she would try even more to know what happened and meddle into their business.

The older one sighed as he saw her leaving the kitchen to go call his father to breakfast and he didn’t wait any more second to stand up and look with a determined gaze at Kazuya. “I thought I told you to leave.” He said, not wanting to waste any second in fear that Misaki would return soon - though he kind of doubted that as it was plain obvious that she left to leave them alone to talk.

Kazuya raised slowly his eyes from his plate. “And I tried to do so.” He replied calmly, facing Jin with a straight face. “But your mom caught me just as I was about to exit the house. She insisted to stay for breakfast and I couldn’t say no.” He continued, hoping that Jin understood just how persuasive his mother could be. “I didn’t think that she might want me to stay here for another night.” He then added and there was a frown creasing his forehead. “Did you tell her about us?” Kazuya asked, having an expectant and longing look in his eyes.

“Why would I do that?!” Jin replied with a shriek, obviously not liking that idea at all. Oh, God, if his mother would know… he wouldn’t live another day. She would keep on pestering him and asking very embarrassing questions and wanting to know every detail and spying on them to see them together and… Sometimes, his mother was even worse than him.

Kazuya’s heart sunk a little. “I just asked, no need to scream.” He said with a small voice as his eyes once more returned to his plate where he was fidgeting with the spoon. “Anyway, I’ll leave after breakfast, so please tell her my apologies for not staying longer.” He then mumbled, suddenly all of his appetite lost.

“Tell her yourself because I’m not planning to stand here and pretend to enjoy being in the same room with you.” Jin spat and didn’t wait for an answer or for his mother to come back as he had been planning to head to the door. “I hope you’ll be gone when I return home.” He said before opening the door to the kitchen and leaving.

Kazuya stood up to go after Jin, but he stopped. If he went, what should he do? Would he end up forcing himself upon Jin again? Most probably. So he sat back down, playing with his food for a couple of minutes just when Misaki and her husband returned. Even a blind person could notice the love that was between them and all of a sudden, Kazuya felt envious. There it was! A healthy, loving and trusting relationship - not like what he had showed to Jin. And maybe, maybe, they weren’t meant to be together.

“Oh, Kazu-chan!” Misaki chirped as she took her eyes off her handsome husband and using a nickname only Jin had used before, making Kazuya’s heart clench a bit. “Where’s Jin?” She asked then with a frown.

Kazuya tried to smile, but it came out a bit broken. “He had something to do.” He replied and even in his ears, it sounded as a lame lie. But if to Jin’s parents it sounded the same, none of them showed and quickly, because of Misaki with her brightly character, the heavy atmosphere around Kazuya disappeared.

He was smiling and laughing with Jin’s parents once more, but inside he was little by little dying.

*

The first thing he saw upon his return was Kazuya, but somehow Jin wasn’t that surprised anymore. He had already suspected that his mother would use any tactic to make Kazuya stay a little longer and as the young actor didn’t seem keen on leaving, Jin had expected to see him again in his home. But this didn’t change the feeling of anxiousness as their eyes met and they stared at each other for a couple of minutes before his parents also noticed his presence.

“Jin!” his mom chirped, closing the photo album and standing up to look at her son. “We just finished eating lunch, do you want to eat something?”

Jin didn’t answer and he needed a couple more seconds to convince his head to turn from where Kazuya was sitting. “I ate out with Yu.” He said while turning his back on them. “I’m going to my room.” He announced and hurried to leave his parents alone with Kazuya.

The younger sighed inaudible, feeling more than stupid and embarrassed as he felt Jin’s father looking at him. Misaki looked at the kicked puppy expression that Kazuya had and suddenly an idea struck on her. She nudged the younger one who almost jumped on his place.

“Go and tell Jin that I need him to buy some things.” She said gently and Kazuya looked troubled, but she kept smiling, making herself oblivious to his expression.

Kazuya nodded, then excused himself and followed after Jin. With timid steps, he approached the room and there were some beautiful sounds coming from it. Jin was singing? Kazuya knocked on the door gently and heard the music stop. He took this as a cue to enter. He knew he was the last person Jin wanted to see, but…

“Hey.” Kazuya stood in the doorstep, looking at Jin and his guitar. It’s been a long way since he had seen Jin so close with a guitar in his arms and singing just because he felt like, not because he was in front of a public. “What are you singing?” He asked, completely forgetting about what Misaki sent him upstairs. In a way, he suspected that she sent him just to talk with Jin.

Jin didn’t answer and just closed his eyes, continuing to play at the guitar from where he had left and finishing the song. His hand stilled as the last note was played, but Jin remained in the same position, looking like he was still trapped in his own world and not willing to leave it just yet. His expression was peaceful and even if he looked concentrated, a small smile curled up his lips, clearly showing how much he loved just staying like this and singing for no one.

And Kazuya felt the same, because he could see this Jin that not everyone could. So he closed the door behind him and settled down on the floor, against the wall, looking at Jin and never getting tired of doing this. He was beautiful and the way his hair fell over his eyes, hiding their dark gleam made him look so far away, so distant of where he was. And those long fingers that were now just skimming along the chords of his guitar… will he feel them again playing on him? Kazuya smiled unaware of this as he studied every feature of Jin and finding him extremely beautiful and charming. Why couldn’t he have done this when they had been together? Why did he have to let them reach this breaking point? Sometimes, some questions had obvious answers, but right now Kazuya was sick of hearing them.

“Jin…” The name came out as a soft, but clear whisper, a lover’s calling. “Sing again.” Kazuya pleaded, though his voice was still soft and low.

And Jin did. He closed once again his eyes and let himself be trapped by the sounds the guitar was playing, letting his fingers brush against it and create the music that Jin had fallen in love with since he was a little child. A little unsurely, he opened his mouth and started to sing the lyrics to the song he had written the last time, singing about love and pain, about happiness and misery, about joy and suffering. Those were all feelings Jin had felt too and this fact allowed him to play with even more passion, his voice becoming more powerful with each second that passed. His heart clenched as the lyrics rolled out of his mouth, making him remember the day when he had lost Kazuya as if it was happening in that moment. But the feeling of distress didn’t last long and was replaced by a calm and serene expression as Jin reached the end of the song and finished it with a last stroke. He didn’t regret anything, after all. He didn’t regret falling in love with Kazuya and feeling like he did. Even if it had been all a lie, those had been the happiest days of his life and Jin found himself to desperately want them back.

And he knew that if given a second change, he’d do the same thing again.

Kazuya understood this song very well, because it reached his heart and not only his ears. Jin’s voice echoed till the depths of his voice, stirring his emotions once more, making him feel pain and happiness from having this forever growing love he had for Jin. Why did he fall in love with Jin? Why did Jin fall in love with him? Such questions had no sense, because it was all in the song that was playing inside his soul. He didn’t need answers, the love he had for Jin wasn’t a question anymore, it was a clear and solid statement. And no matter what will happen in the future, he knew that he’ll love Jin. Because all he needed and had ever needed was Jin and no one else. That was why he hadn’t been able to let Ryo touch him more, that was why he had been hurting for three years, feeling incomplete and lost when he was alone. That was why the one he needed when Yuuya had died had been Jin. Because he needed Jin solely and no one else.

And this song stuck into his heart because it brought Jin close and although he understood it so well, he couldn’t help but ask - “What did you sing about?” On the same soft and low voice, with the same dreamy and sad expression and with the same longing eyes, he asked what the song was about in Jin’s heart.

Jin smiled softly and played another random note as he seemed to think at his answer. He couldn’t describe the song, nothing could. He had chosen to write it in English because he could express himself better in this language than in Japanese when making songs. But no English or Japanese words could summarize the thoughts and all the feelings that he had put in this song. He had wrote it after his final breakup with Kazuya and Jin had the impression that sometimes it really represented him and it showed him bared, naked and without a curtain to hide himself with.

It was just him.

“It’s a song about the feeling of wanting to love but not being able to.” Jin replied with a soft and dreamy voice, using English without being aware of it but feeling that even if it wasn’t enough, nothing could explain the song better.

Kazuya was startled at the use of English, but maybe Jin was still caught in the webs of his song, of his feelings. “Love is not about being able to love, love is about feeling and wanting.” Kazuya replied also in English, though his accent was still a bit Japanese like. After all, he stopped the lessons a month ago and even if he’d watch movies without subtitles, without a partner to converse with, it was difficult to catch on the accent. “If you want to love, just love.”

Jin was a little bit startled at the use of English, not realizing for a moment why had Kazuya chosen to speak in this language. Realization came upon him soon and Jin’s smile widened a tad more. Of course Kazuya had changed and Jin could bet that there were millions of things different about him. They had spent some time together since they had met after those three years but only now Jin realized that he still didn’t know a thing about Kazuya.

Well, it wasn’t like he ever did.

“I wasn’t singing about what your heart feels.” Jin clarified, leaving aside his guitar on the bed and standing up to go to his study. “While I agree that you can’t stop it from loving, there are others that force you to hide it and in time, you came to realize that the love has disappeared when you weren’t aware.” He said with a shrug, sitting down on his chair and picking up his pencil to write something in a notebook.

“It never disappears.” Kazuya whispered more to himself than for Jin to hear and for a second he looked lost. “You’re wrong. Time doesn’t make love disappear, time only helps you hide it. But in one moment or another, it will burst out again, letting you know that you had been fooling yourself and there’s no use to keep it like this. And then it will hurt more than when you first decided to hide it.” He said out loud, obviously talking from his own experience, talking about his love for Jin, the one he had harbored for three years, but he had never wanted acknowledged.

“Time makes everything disappear.” Jin replied confidently, glancing at the younger boy and then going back to his writing. “Or, at least, that’s what I’m counting for.” He then added for himself, sighing and not wanting Kazuya to have heard his last sentence.

The younger laughed and there was a swift noise as Kazuya stood up. “Time only makes love grow.” He said and he leaned against the wall, not really wanting to get closer to Jin and end up doing other things. For now, they should just talk. “And in your darkest moments, you’d find yourself craving for the other, you’ll drown in the hidden love and each time you’ll be alone, involuntarily, your mind and heart will think about the one you love.” Kazuya continued, recalling all of his moments in which he had yearned for Jin, in which he had dreamed of being again with him despite all he had thought of him, despite all his pain. “Our love is like this.” He added with a whisper.

Jin didn’t reply this time, thinking that it would be pointless as Kazuya wouldn’t understand what he was trying to say. So he just sighed and decided to change the subject, not really wanting to be talking about this anymore. “When did you learn to speak English?” he asked instead with a light tone, like he wasn’t that interested to know but wanted to keep the conversation going, not realizing that he should be wanting to end it, not prolong it.

Kazuya was not surprised by this sudden turn of the conversation, but he was glad that for the first time Jin wasn’t trying to push him away or to go away from his side. But the question he just asked, the answer Kazuya had for it… “Since we were together.” He replied with a calm tone, though inside, his heart was beating faster and his nerves were knotted together. “I secretly took up lessons, thinking that when you’d take me to America, I won’t embarrass you by not knowing not even conversational English…” He continued, talking about the times when they still could love each other before careless words could be heard and said. “Back then, I kind of hoped to forcefully take me with you in America.” He let out a soft laugh. “I wanted to go willingly, but there was work and if you had done that, then I couldn’t be blamed and no one could punish you either, so…” He stopped, knowing that he had been babbling, that he said more than Jin actually expected. He cleared his throat. “That’s why I started learning English, I stopped the lessons last month.” Kazuya said, wanting to bring the conversation on a normal track and not that of the past’s.

Jin didn’t know how to interpret this answer. He had been surprised though he hadn’t shown it, but he was kind of touched that Kazuya had wanted to do this for him - of course, if that was true and not another lie of the younger’s. But if it was, it meant that Kazuya had continued to study English even when they were apart, even in the three years they hadn’t seen each other and… He couldn’t help but feel disappointed that he had stopped learning English, that he wasn’t interested in it anymore. And he couldn’t help but ask what was bothering him in that moment. “Why did you stop?” Jin said with a low and unsure voice, still not knowing if he wanted to know the answer or not.

“Because of the movie.” Kazuya replied and there was a tinge of regret in his voice. “I had been going on different locations and I couldn’t call the teacher and talk with him only for ten minutes break. But we do keep in touch by email.” He smiled at this, thinking at the gentle looking professor - but so exigent! - he had. “He doesn’t want me to forget the English he taught me.” This time he laughed, remembering to have cursed Jin and the professor in the same time. After all, it was Jin’s fault that he had taken up English courses. “And I don’t want to either.” Kazuya added with a gentle smile, thinking that this language opened a door to Jin’s world. “So I might resume the lessons soon enough. It’s kind of hard not having someone to converse with, unaware of the right pronunciation.” Kazuya sighed, knowing very well that he needed to work on his accent, otherwise he’d speak English quite fluently.

Jin swallowed the breath that he didn’t know he was holding. “Well…” he wanted to say something, but seemed a little embarrassed, “um… good for you then.” He finally spoke, though it was clear that this wasn’t what he had wanted to say in the beginning.

Kazuya kept silent for a few moments, hoping that Jin will say something else, but it didn’t happen. So he sighed again, trying to smile. “Thanks.” He replied with a low voice, chewing on his lower lip, his eyes never leaving Jin. Had the older actor understood that Kazuya had subtly implied he wanted to practice English with him? Probably yes, but even so, Jin wouldn’t help him on this. “I also started playing the guitar.” He suddenly said, knowing that he wanted Jin to keep talking or at least to listen to him and maybe… accept him again. “Though, only recently…” Kazuya added and seemed apologetic, though for nothing in particular.

“Somehow I really can’t image you with a guitar.” Jin chuckled and let his pen fall on the notebook, his eyes finding Kazuya’s and looking at the boy with something hidden in them. “Play something.” He asked, letting his wishes get the better out of him. After all, his mind had kept screaming to leave the room from the beginning but he had stayed and he had endured the sweet torture that Kazuya was making him go through. He had wanted this peaceful atmosphere between them for too long and maybe it was alright for a few minutes, even if it was all fake and it will change when he would least expect it.

Kazuya’s eyes widened at Jin’s request. “Now?” he asked with an incredulous voice, not able to grasp the reason why Jin wanted such a thing when up till now he had made everything to have Kazuya out of his way. When he received no answer, he gulped and headed for the bed where the guitar was. With slightly trembling hands, he took it and then settled on the bed, positioning the guitar in his arms. With an anxious look thrown into Jin’s direction, he strummed gently on the chords, before finally playing one of his compositions. He had part of the notes already written, but the song was still to be perfected and Kazuya hadn’t strung a guitar for two months now. So there were notes that sounded off, strings that still didn’t fit the melody, but each one of it held the meaning behind Kazuya’s song. It gave a far away feeling, one that had been harbored inside Kazuya’s heart for far too long.

The younger stopped singing, his hand resting on the guitar and his head lowered. He had never thought about the meaning of this song he composed and he never asked himself why he hadn’t finished it. But now he understood why - it was because he had never had a closure with Jin and he had composed it based on hope and the feeling of being away from the person he loved. But back then, he had pushed aside all of these feelings and he never brought them up again. And now he had done so, making him realize too many things and all of his feelings came back choking him.

Kazuya put the guitar carefully back on the bed as he drew air deeply, trying to calm his rapid beating heart. “It still needs to work on it a little…” He said with a low voice, avoiding looking at Jin, his eyes still glued on the guitar. Suddenly, he realized another thing - everything around him was Jin. God, it took him long enough.

“It sounds good enough.” Jin replied after a moment of silence, needing those few seconds to recover from Kazuya’s song, though his voice didn’t betray anything of his real thoughts or feelings about it. He smiled and without knowing what he was doing, he stood up and walked to the bed, positioning himself behind Kazuya and putting the guitar in his arms again. “Let me show you.” He said on a light tone, very different from what he was feeling at being this close to Kazuya. And it was by his own choice this time.

The younger boy was beyond shock. Was Jin behind him? Was Jin showing him how to play? Was Jin this close to him and it wasn’t him the one to initiate this closeness?! No, he must be dreaming. Yeah, he must be dreaming and soon enough he’ll wake up and curse whatever the reason he was woken up. But then Jin’s hand covered his and guided it slowly over the strings, showing him which to press to get the right note and a beautiful sound in the same time. But Kazuya was little aware of the sounds, he was more aware of the fact that Jin’s hands were moving along his, that his chest was gently pushing on the older one’s back, Kazuya feeling Jin’s steady heartbeat through the clothes, he was feeling his warmth. He could inhale Jin’s scent, he could feel Jin’s hair tickling his cheek and if he were to turn, their faces would be so close…

Kazuya mentally slapped himself and tried not to think anymore of such things. Instead, he tried to concentrate on the song and Jin’s movements, finally the melody filling his ears as Jin kept guiding him, correcting his mistakes in the same time. The song sounded better indeed and Kazuya couldn’t help but smile at this, at how good they sounded together. But the feeling the song gave was still that of a far away love. Because despite all this harmonious atmosphere between them, Kazuya knew that it was only a façade. Jin was closer to him right now, but in the same time he was the most farther too.

Soon they stopped and Kazuya didn’t dare to make a single move.

“Something like that.” Jin laughed nervously as he finished the last note, still not moving from his position and feeling like he couldn’t breathe from being this close to Kazuya. He took a deep breath and laughed some more, sounding as awkward as the first time. “It still needs some work, but…” he said, thinking that his fingers had started trembling towards the end as the thought that he was holding Kazuya in his arms again became more powerful. “You’re on the right track.” He finished with another laugh and backed away a little to leave Kazuya’s side.

“Stay.” Kazuya suddenly blurted out, feeling all alone now that Jin wanted to leave. “Show me more…” He added, trying to mask his despair for wanting to have Jin closer to him. He hadn’t turned at all to look at Jin, not wanting to see all of the pain and restrained love Jin felt. And if the older one didn’t want to come closer to him again, he didn’t have to watch it too how he drifted away from him, denying once more a possible chance between them.

The older looked troubled, like he didn’t know what to do. This was all so weird and hard. He knew that Kazuya was playing yet another game with him and that his purpose was totally different from what he was seeing, but Jin was weak. He couldn’t resist the temptation, not after he had fought so hard to have this with Kazuya and had lost it with never gaining it. He wanted to say no but he found his body moving again towards the younger and taking his place behind him, as his hands rested again on the boy’s ones. “So… um, what-what song do you want to play?” he asked, the tone of his voice and the stuttering clearly showing how many doubts he had in doing this.

But he wanted this more than anything else and even if it was for a short while, he could lie to himself like Kazuya had done to him so many times.

The younger one didn’t expect this, neither did he expect the sudden happiness that burst out in his heart. God, he needed Jin so much, he wanted him back so much that only the thought of having him close made him this happy. He let out an inaudible sigh as he tried to control his slight tremble at Jin’s body next to his.

“Hmm…” Kazuya hummed a bit pensive. “I always wanted to try one of your songs.” He said with a small voice, afraid that this request might make Jin pull away. “Fifth season?” He suggested with a whisper this time, aware that Jin heard him and aware that this was the first song Kazuya had heard from Jin.

“You know, you could choose a song that can be played with the guitar a lot better than ‘Fifth Season’.” Jin laughed teasingly, thinking that it was kind of cute of Kazuya to ask for this song and even cuter because it wasn’t exactly a song that sounded that good with the guitar only.

Kazuya pouted a little, even if Jin couldn’t see it. Secretly, he was enjoying this Jin, it made him believe that there still was hope. “Don’t laugh, meanie.” He whined a little, before letting out a sound of surprise. “Then… how about Care?” Kazuya asked with a small and pleading voice. “I’ve seen you sing it with the guitar only.” He added as if to show that this time Care was a song suited for the acoustic sounds of the guitar.

“Then let’s try ‘Care’.” Jin accepted with a still amused voice, the smile dancing on his lips. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, to let the music flow to him and make him remember the feelings he had put into that song. The smile widened a little as he opened his eyes, though it seemed a little bitter and sad this time, as he recalled that this had been one of the songs he had composed with Kazuya in his mind and had sung it only to the younger one. His fingers started brushing over the notes, showing Kazuya how it was supposed to be done and then letting him try, correcting him when he needed to and laughing when the sounds were too different from what Jin had shown.

To be honest, this had been something that he had always wanted to do. He loved singing and he loved doing it with the person he loved. While not everyone had a nice voice and perfect for this, guitar didn’t need any real talent if you wanted to really learn it and could be used to just play a few simple songs. ‘Care’ was a difficult song, but he was happy to see Kazuya not giving up and trying again and again to memorize the song. He had wanted to sing this song to him again but things had changed and… they had changed.

Kazuya was enjoying this atmosphere he shared with Jin, they really needed such moments between them, leaving all that was hurting them outside this bubble of happiness. But such moments made him wonder if he and Jin would ever get back together, if they could overcome all of the mistakes Kazuya did. Maybe they could, maybe they couldn’t… Kazuya just had to find out. He strung the last chord of ‘Care’ and out of instinct, Kazuya leaned against Jin, sighing satisfied.

“I never thought Care was this difficult.” He said with a frown on his forehead. “But it sure is a wonderful song and when you finally bring it to an end, it makes you feel complete.” He continued with a little chuckle. “You write beautiful songs, Jin.” Kazuya confessed to the older one what he had never got the chance to say.

“Thanks.” Jin replied with a light tone, though it was obvious that he had become a little tense when Kazuya leaned towards him. His hands left the younger’s one and Jin slowly caressed the boy’s arms, making him move a bit - more like pushing him - so that he could escape from the prison that Kazuya had created without knowing it. “Though I compose better in English.” He said as he stood up and went back to his desk, standing on the chair and with his back turned towards Kazuya.

“But in Japanese they have stronger and deeper emotions conveyed.” Kazuya replied, trying to shake the feeling of abandon he was feeling now that Jin left his side. He still did not turn to Jin either, he couldn’t, not yet. “Thanks for showing me how to play better.” He then said with a grateful tone and put the guitar on the bed. He decided to turn around only to find Jin’s back turned on him. He should have expected this, no? He smiled despite the hurt he was feeling and got off the bed and out on impulse, Kazuya went and hugged Jin from behind, feeling him stiffening in his arms. “Thanks for this.” He whispered, though it came more as soft cry. He then released Jin and headed for the exit.

“Ah.” Kazuya stopped before opening the door. “Your mom wants you to buy some things for her.” He said and although he knew it was futile to hope Jin would stop him, he still did.

Jin didn’t move at all.

PART THREE