King Of Fighters :: Pain
King Of Fighters :: Pain
Reviewed By: Pink Freak
SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: -5/5
PLOT: 0/5
WRITING: 0/5
CHEEZ WHIZ DIALOGUE: 5/5
Before I say anything else, I need to state two things. First, this fic is supposed to be a King of Fighters version of Romeo and Juliet. FEAR. Second, it is the most aptly titled fic I've ever read. PAIN. Rereading this fic made me cringe almost as much as I did when I went back through the Wish lemon in order to review it. This fic, "Pain", receives my award for Worst King Of Fighters Fic In Existence. I found it on a K' shrine, which gave me hope. I thought, "Well, if it's on a page made by someone who likes K' a lot, I'll bet there should be some decent fic on it!" I was very, very wrong. Not only does the fic have nothing to do with Romeo and Juliet, it also has nothing to do with K' - or at least the K' I know and love.
Whoever wrote it has obviously played the games or at least done their homework, because they do refer to characters like Caffeine Nicotine, who's from Samurai Spirits. However, this has absolutely no bearing on the fic, because EVERYONE involved is completely and 100% out of character. The fic stars King, Iori, and K'. To summarize the plot in one sentence: King is in love with Iori, but he doesn't care about anything but Kyo, so when K' falls in love with her at first sight, King has to make a decision - does she love K' after all, or will she continue to chase after Iori? You see, Iori only wants to fight and does not appreciate King's Beauty As A Woman. However, K' sees King as the lovely lady that she is and wants to make her his princess.
This is probably one of the most serious bastardizations of all three characters I've ever seen. Here's what they're really like:
IORI: A psychotic frothing maniac who can't decide whether he wants to kill or screw Kyo. In his perfect world, he'd be able to do both. Fangirl Bait. Favorite Words: Cry, Scream, Die.
KING: Dresses like a guy, practices Muy Thai. Owns a bar. Either a lesbian or in love with Ryo Sakazaki. Extremely self-sufficient. Could kick your ass.
K': Not quite out of his teenage years. A genetically engineered cyberpunk badass in black leather. Would rather chew his own arm off than be nice to people.
Here is how the characters are portrayed in this fic:
IORI: Relatively cheerful. Wants to fight Kyo. Calls King "toots". Basically a clone of Terry Bogard, although Terry's much cooler than this fic's Iori could ever hope to be.
KING: A lost, sad woman who yearns for Iori's love. She pines, she cries, and she eventually sleeps with K', who is the man who will love her for who she is, and that's all she really wants - a man to love her.
K': Some kind of Rhett Butler wannabe whose goal in life is to sweep King off her feet and take her to a land of love-love paradise. Produces roses in a Tuxedo Mask-like fashion.
So as you can see, this fic is going to do quite well in living up to its title.
The fic starts when King, Iori, and K' return from the KoF tournament. I can see right now who the author beat the game with. King stands atop a cliff, pondering her future. I imagine she chose the cliff to think upon because you just can't think well sitting on your couch or at a cafe or anything like that. Now that Southtown is safe, she wonders if she should go back to her home in England. This makes perfect sense, since King is French, and we all know that France and England are the same country, the same way China and Japan are. Also, King is not from Southtown, as far as I know. The Fatal Fury universe is set in Southtown, not the Art of Fighting universe.
Iori arrives, and King is happy to see that he's okay. Being teammates has made them friends, and King wants to be More Than Friends with everyone's favorite steaming maniac. Of course, Iori doesn't froth and smoke in this fic - he cracks bad jokes and acts about as cool as a junior high school P.E. teacher.
Iori chuckled as well, "Heh...you never change toots!"
King was taken a bit aback by his rashness, and wasn't about to take an insult from some warrior, "Why you...!"
Shrugging lightly Iori said, "Well, I guess they were right when they said abstinence is best! Sayonara! (Farewell!)", and before she could react, Iori jumped from the ledge, bounded down the side of the cliff, and was gone.
Fic, how dost thee Pain me? Let me count the ways.
1. Iori doesn't chuckle. He laughs, but when he does so, he puts his hand on his forehead and cackles like the psychopath that he is.
2. Iori /IS/ rash. In fact, he's about as blunt as a two-by-four. Have you ever seen him GENTLY tell someone he doesn't like them? That means he's in character! That can't be, at least in this fic!
3. King pretty much only hangs out with warriors. She's a warrior. What's the distinction here? And since when is Mr. Yagami "just a warrior"? I could see calling Ryu your average warrior, but Iori has Orochi Blood. That makes him Special.
4. What the hell does abstinence have to do with anything? And who says "Abstinence is best?" Certainly not Iori...I've read enough fic to know that he believes exactly the opposite. It's apparent enough from the way he acts around Kyo in the game.
The OOCness begins immediately, and only gets worse as the fic goes on. Iori is bad, but he's not in the fic much. King is bad, and she suffers from the over-weakening and ultra-feminization that heroines in romance fics usually get. The true Pain begins when K' shows up.
King offers a prayer to God Who Art In Heaven. She hopes that she will find deliverance, happiness, and a man who will love her. She knows that her chances with Iori are shot, since she saw him with his girlfriend two years ago.
5. Since when does King care about having a man love her? I always thought she liked women better, anyway, what with the "Come on, Baby" that she says to her female opponents.
6. I'm still having trouble comprehending WHY King would be in love with Iori in the first place. Iori gets paired with various different female characters when he's not with a Mary Sue. Leona, she at least makes sense. Vice and Mature, I can see, but not anything long-term. Shermie, maybe. But King? That makes as little sense as Athena. Perhaps even less.
7. Iori has a girlfriend? And he's had one for two years? Iori didn't even canonically have a "girlfriend" until KoF '99. The only people who could be mistaken for his girlfriend are Vice and/or Mature, Leona (according to fanon) and Kyo-chan, his weeping girly uke. My money is on Kyo-chan.
Little does King know that K' has been watching her angst from within the forest that immediately sprung forth, and now he's following her. The plot thickens. Two months pass. King walks amongst a maze of rosebushes. *rolls eyes* She's decided that she now has the courage to tell Iori that she loves him. However, her stalker (K') springs forth from the rosebushes.
"Why do you waste your time on a man who does not see you as he should, as a girl? Why do you long for a man who cannot love you, for he sees beauty not in your face, but in battle?"
*CHOKE* Okay, despite the fact that K' would never, ever talk like that, can you even SEE him saying that kind of thing? Aside from which, if this fic were in character, King would prefer a man who liked her ability to kick his ass more than her ability to act like a cute domestic housewife. Anyway, King and K' continue with their flowery, overblown duel of words, King arguing for Iori and K' saying that Iori will never care about anything other than battle (Kyo), that he is only interested in battle (Kyo), and that his heart sees nothing other than Kyo (battle? XD). K' assures King that there's a lot more to her than just a chick in a tuxedo, however.
K''s eyes became as cold as stone, and his voice did not quaver, "I see a young girl, searching for love to fulfill her life. I see beauty in your face and in your spirit. A beauty that is being squandered on hopeless dreams and lies. Lies to yourself and to your heart."
8. K's eyes are always as cold as stone. And no, his voice would not quaver.
9. King is OLDER than K'. Whether he's 16, 17, or 18, she's still 23. So all this "young girl" crap is pretty implausible. Athena, Leona, and Yuri are Young Girls. King is not. She is Woman! Hear her roar!
10. Do people REALLY TALK LIKE THIS? *suffocates under the giant wheel of cheese that drops out of the sky*
Then K' and King discuss Iori's capacity for love. Now, I thought Iori loved two things - meat and Kyo. But I guess that K' was going to kill Iori, but he spared Iori's life since he knew that Iori was in love. With a girl. So it seems that K' was thinking of the girl, who is never identified, and didn't want to break her heart by breaking Iori's neck. But Iori only seeks battle (Kyo) and therefore broke up with his girlfriend. This pained K' deeply, since he is something of a Cupid in this story. Someone please pass me the hard liquor. I'm starting to lose my mind here.
But King was now more intrigued by K', and his rather odd way of opening his heart to her, "What do you want of me K'?"
K' balked, "Is it not obvious? Must I use plain words? I love you King. I wish to hold you in my arms, run my hands through your hair. I wish to cherish your beauty. A girl that is being torn apart from the inside due to unfulfilled longing."
11. If there is anyone out there who can actually see K' saying this to ANYONE, please come here so I can give you a beating right now. Yes, that includes you, author dearest.
12. I repeat. DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THIS? If a guy said this kind of stuff to me, I'd laugh in his face. And yet, King seems to be won over by it.
King can't believe K' is saying these things to her either, although not because she's noticing how badly K' is OOC...she's more concerned with the fact that she's known K' for FIVE YEARS but he's never treated her any differently than Iori did. He was just another guy obsessed with battle (Kyo).
13. Um. Does anyone else care that K' was a new character as of KoF '99? King might have known him for five days, or maybe five weeks, but five YEARS?
Okay, King isn't impressed with K's fruity words, which I can give her points for. She tells him, in much prettier, overwritten terms, to screw off because she's going back to her home in England. K' challenges her, asking her what's there for her in England, other than sausages, beans, cricket, and a broken heart? When she still doesn't relent, K' pulls out the roses. *cue Whitesnake BGM* He doesn't care that the thorns have pricked his finger and he's bleeding, because not only is that meaningful, he has a point to make. He breaks the rose and babbles about how beauty is fleeting, like a rose. Where have I heard that before? K' wanders off, telling King that he'll be waiting for her when she finally comes around and realizes that he's Mr. Wonderful.
Deep in thought, King cries. King is a special kind of human -- her tears originate in her heart, and then go to her tear ducts. I'm no medical specialist, but I can tell you that's not exactly how it works. She cries a single tear, which has the luck of falling from her face right onto the rose petal she's holding in her hand. Man, I wish I could weep meaningfully like this. Shoujo manga doesn't even step this low most of the time. King's in dire emotional straits, so she does the obvious thing - she goes to look for Iori, so she can pour her heart out to him.
14. The only reason Iori would even be interested in King's heart is if he were ripping it from her chest for a mid-day meal.
15. And after all that's been said...I think Iori's the last person you'd want to go to for romantic advice. I'd go to him to find out how to best sharpen your nails into serrated knives, but not for tips on how to find the right man to spend the rest of your life with.
Finally one day, while walking through a forest road, she spied the battle (Kyo) hardened warrior walking down the same path.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. XD King finds Iori, and after listening to him babble like an OOC dumbass, she confesses her feelings to him. She doesn't do this proudly or with finesse, mind you - she can barely get the words out in a whisper. I wonder if she also wore her frilly pink dress for the occasion?
An In-Character Confession:
[King] Iori, I like you. In a more-than-friends kind of way. Wanna go back to my bar, get wasted, and then maybe go for a roll in the hay, if you know what I mean?
[Iori] *growl froth* No. Busy with Kyo. Away, woman. *steam drool*
This Fic:
King's voice came out again as a whisper, "I...I...really like you Iori..." her voice raised a bit, "You understand what I mean right?"
Iori thought for a moment, then chuckled and said, "Well...Sorry toots. I don't really know how to say this other than, I'm a warrior. It's the path in life that I've decided to take, and I will accept nothing less. I don't have time for love or that sort of thing. I refuse to do anything with anyone unless I'm done with Kyo."
Aside from the unintentionally slashy end of that last sentence, that exchange rated a 10.0 on my Out Of Character Scale.
"I still like you and all as a friend, but I can't return your feelings King... yes, I have
settled it with Kyo, but we still fight to practice and see who's best..."
I suppose the author gets .2 back for Iori's characterization, since he's about as flamingly gay in this fic as he is in the actual game. King, heartbroken over having been dumped for Kyo, wanders around the beautiful town of Southtown (what?) trying to cheer herself up. And who does she find but the poster boy for light and cheer himself - K'! He infers that she's found Iori, confessed her feelings to him, and now she needs some sympathy sex to cheer her up again. K' hugs her, and tells her that if it won't work for her this way, she can just go ahead and pretend that he's Iori. Oh yeah, this is the beginning of a really healthy relationship. Regardless, nothing in Hades or on Earth will break my hold on you!" *struggles out from under the cheese wheel*
Okay, so King relents. K' is right, Iori is a butthead and will never love anything but battle (Kyo). She bursts into tears and cries against K's chest, who stands around looking unmoved. K' continues with his Comforting Words:
As K' inhaled the fragrance of her hair, of her body, he spoke, " Indeed you were aptly titled. Shed not tears...Tears from a rose are tears of blood, from pricked fingers, and from drenched hearts."
*grabs author* WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THESE CHARACTERS? I HAVEN'T SEEN A MAULING THIS SEVERE SINCE THE LAST "ANIMAL ENCOUNTERS GONE BAD" SPECIAL ON FOX!
King wants to know what comes next, and K' fills her in - why, they do the nasty, of course! K' asks her if she wants to hump like bunnies, and King feels a strange sensation in her heart. It's not nausea or disgust - no, it's completion! Fulfillment! K' wants to screw her, so obviously it means they'll be together forever. K' has filled the void in her heart that Iori has left. Now if only someone would fill the void in my head, because my brain has decided to take a hiatus due to the complete incomprehensibility of this characterization.
They get it on. There's no lemon scene. I think that the fic gods were pitying me in that respect, and decided that a lemon scene between these two might have driven the reader to suicide. King lays next to K's Hulking Frame. WHAT? K' is a skinny little fuck. Okay, he may not look it - but look at his character statistics. The guy is six feet tall and weighs 143 pounds. I think she might just still be imagining Iori, because Yagami is a hulking demon. K' is more like a wet cat.
As if it couldn't get any worse, we now have Glaring Cultural Inaccuracy. The French King and the nationality-free K' have bumped uglies, and K' decides to sit poignantly on the windowsill to think. He opens the shoji and sits on the windowsill. Shoji are paper DOORS. Perhaps some windows in modern-day Japan have paper shutters. I don't know. But we're in SOUTHTOWN, not JAPAN! Last time I checked, Southtown was supposed to be AMERICA.
K' has a scar from when he fought Iori...when this might have happened, I'm not sure. It's probably just a plot hole that the author never decided to fill in. And he also has a grudge against Caffeine Nicotine...lord only knows why. Talk about no connection at all. Unless Caffeine Nicotine is supposed to be a pun or something...since during his musing, K' is smoking a pipe.
16. K' doesn't smoke a pipe. He doesn't smoke anything, although if he were going to smoke, he's not going to smoke a damn pipe! He's a cyberpunk badass in black leather. That and pipe smoking are as incongruous as Iori and the word "toots".
King almost wakes up while K' babbles to himself about someday defeating Iori. But the truth is, he Respects Iori. In fact, he would have killed King, if he thought that Iori was actually in love with her. Again, WHAT? He respects Iori because he has fought him and lived. Uh, okay. And then K' reveals that he's not actually in love with King, even though he keeps saying he is, over and over and over again. He's actually just sleeping with King because he thinks that this has made him victorious over Iori by stealing a woman away from him that Iori didn't even want in the first place. If K' had room for rational thought in between the roses and the prose, he'd have realized that the best way to piss Iori off would be to sleep with KYO, not with KING.
Okay, the fic is almost over at this point, which is a good thing, because I'm seriously about to blood riot over the butchering of characters. It is causing me Pain. The title should be interpreted as a warning and a summary more than an attention-getter.
King overhears K' muttering about winning victories against Iori, and decides that all K' was doing was playing mind-games with her - he didn't really give a crap about her feelings. She explodes in a bitchy female rage, storms out of the room, completely naked - they don't say this, but she didn't give half a thought to her clothes before she tries to leave the room. K' acts all pushy and masculine, tells her that she's misunderstanding his emotions, and King decides not to listen to him. She runs out of the room and standing poignantly out in the rain, sees K' smash the windowsill with his flaming fist of passion.
One month passes. King has been wandering the streets of Southtown, still naked, and it hasn't stopped raining, either. Welcome to Monsoon Season in Southtown. Apparently she hasn't been home since King ran out on K' -- she's that heartbroken, kids. But who shows up with a bamboo umbrella? Shizumaru? Nah, that would make sense! K' looks at King, pretends he doesn't care, but in fact he does! After this one look, King knows that she's in love with K'. The rain stops for a moment and then turns into snow. This makes King feel faint, since she's probably contracted pneumonia due to wandering around naked in the rain for a month.
So K' holds her, sweeps King off her feet, and they kiss. They look up at the sky, and the author explains that this sudden change from rain to snow is analogous to the change of King's heart. How fucking cliched, and even more so than that, IMPLAUSIBLE. Not to mention that K' probably doesn't like snow much, since it's pretty much the same thing as the Anti-K'...although I imagine she doesn't exist in this strange, alternate universe that Meaty Hunk K' and Weepy Princess King live in.
The end.
There is really nothing good to say about this fic. The English makes sense and it seems to have been spellchecked - that's the only thing I can say in its favor. Otherwise, it's completely out of character, the dialogue is worse than most romance novels, and there are plot holes the size of Minnesota. I didn't mention it before, but the fic is not without its sprinklings of bad, oddly used Otaku Japanese. The fic is so bad on its own that I didn't even really feel the need to point out that extra bit - it's just pouring more salt into the wound. If you like King of Fighters, DO NOT READ THIS FIC.
Actually, if you're sane, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. You know what - it doesn't matter who you are, just don't read it. You'll save yourself from the Pain that lies within.
Reviewed By: Pink Freak
SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: -5/5
PLOT: 0/5
WRITING: 0/5
CHEEZ WHIZ DIALOGUE: 5/5
Before I say anything else, I need to state two things. First, this fic is supposed to be a King of Fighters version of Romeo and Juliet. FEAR. Second, it is the most aptly titled fic I've ever read. PAIN. Rereading this fic made me cringe almost as much as I did when I went back through the Wish lemon in order to review it. This fic, "Pain", receives my award for Worst King Of Fighters Fic In Existence. I found it on a K' shrine, which gave me hope. I thought, "Well, if it's on a page made by someone who likes K' a lot, I'll bet there should be some decent fic on it!" I was very, very wrong. Not only does the fic have nothing to do with Romeo and Juliet, it also has nothing to do with K' - or at least the K' I know and love.
Whoever wrote it has obviously played the games or at least done their homework, because they do refer to characters like Caffeine Nicotine, who's from Samurai Spirits. However, this has absolutely no bearing on the fic, because EVERYONE involved is completely and 100% out of character. The fic stars King, Iori, and K'. To summarize the plot in one sentence: King is in love with Iori, but he doesn't care about anything but Kyo, so when K' falls in love with her at first sight, King has to make a decision - does she love K' after all, or will she continue to chase after Iori? You see, Iori only wants to fight and does not appreciate King's Beauty As A Woman. However, K' sees King as the lovely lady that she is and wants to make her his princess.
This is probably one of the most serious bastardizations of all three characters I've ever seen. Here's what they're really like:
IORI: A psychotic frothing maniac who can't decide whether he wants to kill or screw Kyo. In his perfect world, he'd be able to do both. Fangirl Bait. Favorite Words: Cry, Scream, Die.
KING: Dresses like a guy, practices Muy Thai. Owns a bar. Either a lesbian or in love with Ryo Sakazaki. Extremely self-sufficient. Could kick your ass.
K': Not quite out of his teenage years. A genetically engineered cyberpunk badass in black leather. Would rather chew his own arm off than be nice to people.
Here is how the characters are portrayed in this fic:
IORI: Relatively cheerful. Wants to fight Kyo. Calls King "toots". Basically a clone of Terry Bogard, although Terry's much cooler than this fic's Iori could ever hope to be.
KING: A lost, sad woman who yearns for Iori's love. She pines, she cries, and she eventually sleeps with K', who is the man who will love her for who she is, and that's all she really wants - a man to love her.
K': Some kind of Rhett Butler wannabe whose goal in life is to sweep King off her feet and take her to a land of love-love paradise. Produces roses in a Tuxedo Mask-like fashion.
So as you can see, this fic is going to do quite well in living up to its title.
The fic starts when King, Iori, and K' return from the KoF tournament. I can see right now who the author beat the game with. King stands atop a cliff, pondering her future. I imagine she chose the cliff to think upon because you just can't think well sitting on your couch or at a cafe or anything like that. Now that Southtown is safe, she wonders if she should go back to her home in England. This makes perfect sense, since King is French, and we all know that France and England are the same country, the same way China and Japan are. Also, King is not from Southtown, as far as I know. The Fatal Fury universe is set in Southtown, not the Art of Fighting universe.
Iori arrives, and King is happy to see that he's okay. Being teammates has made them friends, and King wants to be More Than Friends with everyone's favorite steaming maniac. Of course, Iori doesn't froth and smoke in this fic - he cracks bad jokes and acts about as cool as a junior high school P.E. teacher.
Iori chuckled as well, "Heh...you never change toots!"
King was taken a bit aback by his rashness, and wasn't about to take an insult from some warrior, "Why you...!"
Shrugging lightly Iori said, "Well, I guess they were right when they said abstinence is best! Sayonara! (Farewell!)", and before she could react, Iori jumped from the ledge, bounded down the side of the cliff, and was gone.
Fic, how dost thee Pain me? Let me count the ways.
1. Iori doesn't chuckle. He laughs, but when he does so, he puts his hand on his forehead and cackles like the psychopath that he is.
2. Iori /IS/ rash. In fact, he's about as blunt as a two-by-four. Have you ever seen him GENTLY tell someone he doesn't like them? That means he's in character! That can't be, at least in this fic!
3. King pretty much only hangs out with warriors. She's a warrior. What's the distinction here? And since when is Mr. Yagami "just a warrior"? I could see calling Ryu your average warrior, but Iori has Orochi Blood. That makes him Special.
4. What the hell does abstinence have to do with anything? And who says "Abstinence is best?" Certainly not Iori...I've read enough fic to know that he believes exactly the opposite. It's apparent enough from the way he acts around Kyo in the game.
The OOCness begins immediately, and only gets worse as the fic goes on. Iori is bad, but he's not in the fic much. King is bad, and she suffers from the over-weakening and ultra-feminization that heroines in romance fics usually get. The true Pain begins when K' shows up.
King offers a prayer to God Who Art In Heaven. She hopes that she will find deliverance, happiness, and a man who will love her. She knows that her chances with Iori are shot, since she saw him with his girlfriend two years ago.
5. Since when does King care about having a man love her? I always thought she liked women better, anyway, what with the "Come on, Baby" that she says to her female opponents.
6. I'm still having trouble comprehending WHY King would be in love with Iori in the first place. Iori gets paired with various different female characters when he's not with a Mary Sue. Leona, she at least makes sense. Vice and Mature, I can see, but not anything long-term. Shermie, maybe. But King? That makes as little sense as Athena. Perhaps even less.
7. Iori has a girlfriend? And he's had one for two years? Iori didn't even canonically have a "girlfriend" until KoF '99. The only people who could be mistaken for his girlfriend are Vice and/or Mature, Leona (according to fanon) and Kyo-chan, his weeping girly uke. My money is on Kyo-chan.
Little does King know that K' has been watching her angst from within the forest that immediately sprung forth, and now he's following her. The plot thickens. Two months pass. King walks amongst a maze of rosebushes. *rolls eyes* She's decided that she now has the courage to tell Iori that she loves him. However, her stalker (K') springs forth from the rosebushes.
"Why do you waste your time on a man who does not see you as he should, as a girl? Why do you long for a man who cannot love you, for he sees beauty not in your face, but in battle?"
*CHOKE* Okay, despite the fact that K' would never, ever talk like that, can you even SEE him saying that kind of thing? Aside from which, if this fic were in character, King would prefer a man who liked her ability to kick his ass more than her ability to act like a cute domestic housewife. Anyway, King and K' continue with their flowery, overblown duel of words, King arguing for Iori and K' saying that Iori will never care about anything other than battle (Kyo), that he is only interested in battle (Kyo), and that his heart sees nothing other than Kyo (battle? XD). K' assures King that there's a lot more to her than just a chick in a tuxedo, however.
K''s eyes became as cold as stone, and his voice did not quaver, "I see a young girl, searching for love to fulfill her life. I see beauty in your face and in your spirit. A beauty that is being squandered on hopeless dreams and lies. Lies to yourself and to your heart."
8. K's eyes are always as cold as stone. And no, his voice would not quaver.
9. King is OLDER than K'. Whether he's 16, 17, or 18, she's still 23. So all this "young girl" crap is pretty implausible. Athena, Leona, and Yuri are Young Girls. King is not. She is Woman! Hear her roar!
10. Do people REALLY TALK LIKE THIS? *suffocates under the giant wheel of cheese that drops out of the sky*
Then K' and King discuss Iori's capacity for love. Now, I thought Iori loved two things - meat and Kyo. But I guess that K' was going to kill Iori, but he spared Iori's life since he knew that Iori was in love. With a girl. So it seems that K' was thinking of the girl, who is never identified, and didn't want to break her heart by breaking Iori's neck. But Iori only seeks battle (Kyo) and therefore broke up with his girlfriend. This pained K' deeply, since he is something of a Cupid in this story. Someone please pass me the hard liquor. I'm starting to lose my mind here.
But King was now more intrigued by K', and his rather odd way of opening his heart to her, "What do you want of me K'?"
K' balked, "Is it not obvious? Must I use plain words? I love you King. I wish to hold you in my arms, run my hands through your hair. I wish to cherish your beauty. A girl that is being torn apart from the inside due to unfulfilled longing."
11. If there is anyone out there who can actually see K' saying this to ANYONE, please come here so I can give you a beating right now. Yes, that includes you, author dearest.
12. I repeat. DOES ANYONE ACTUALLY TALK LIKE THIS? If a guy said this kind of stuff to me, I'd laugh in his face. And yet, King seems to be won over by it.
King can't believe K' is saying these things to her either, although not because she's noticing how badly K' is OOC...she's more concerned with the fact that she's known K' for FIVE YEARS but he's never treated her any differently than Iori did. He was just another guy obsessed with battle (Kyo).
13. Um. Does anyone else care that K' was a new character as of KoF '99? King might have known him for five days, or maybe five weeks, but five YEARS?
Okay, King isn't impressed with K's fruity words, which I can give her points for. She tells him, in much prettier, overwritten terms, to screw off because she's going back to her home in England. K' challenges her, asking her what's there for her in England, other than sausages, beans, cricket, and a broken heart? When she still doesn't relent, K' pulls out the roses. *cue Whitesnake BGM* He doesn't care that the thorns have pricked his finger and he's bleeding, because not only is that meaningful, he has a point to make. He breaks the rose and babbles about how beauty is fleeting, like a rose. Where have I heard that before? K' wanders off, telling King that he'll be waiting for her when she finally comes around and realizes that he's Mr. Wonderful.
Deep in thought, King cries. King is a special kind of human -- her tears originate in her heart, and then go to her tear ducts. I'm no medical specialist, but I can tell you that's not exactly how it works. She cries a single tear, which has the luck of falling from her face right onto the rose petal she's holding in her hand. Man, I wish I could weep meaningfully like this. Shoujo manga doesn't even step this low most of the time. King's in dire emotional straits, so she does the obvious thing - she goes to look for Iori, so she can pour her heart out to him.
14. The only reason Iori would even be interested in King's heart is if he were ripping it from her chest for a mid-day meal.
15. And after all that's been said...I think Iori's the last person you'd want to go to for romantic advice. I'd go to him to find out how to best sharpen your nails into serrated knives, but not for tips on how to find the right man to spend the rest of your life with.
Finally one day, while walking through a forest road, she spied the battle (Kyo) hardened warrior walking down the same path.
Sorry, I couldn't resist. XD King finds Iori, and after listening to him babble like an OOC dumbass, she confesses her feelings to him. She doesn't do this proudly or with finesse, mind you - she can barely get the words out in a whisper. I wonder if she also wore her frilly pink dress for the occasion?
An In-Character Confession:
[King] Iori, I like you. In a more-than-friends kind of way. Wanna go back to my bar, get wasted, and then maybe go for a roll in the hay, if you know what I mean?
[Iori] *growl froth* No. Busy with Kyo. Away, woman. *steam drool*
This Fic:
King's voice came out again as a whisper, "I...I...really like you Iori..." her voice raised a bit, "You understand what I mean right?"
Iori thought for a moment, then chuckled and said, "Well...Sorry toots. I don't really know how to say this other than, I'm a warrior. It's the path in life that I've decided to take, and I will accept nothing less. I don't have time for love or that sort of thing. I refuse to do anything with anyone unless I'm done with Kyo."
Aside from the unintentionally slashy end of that last sentence, that exchange rated a 10.0 on my Out Of Character Scale.
"I still like you and all as a friend, but I can't return your feelings King... yes, I have
settled it with Kyo, but we still fight to practice and see who's best..."
I suppose the author gets .2 back for Iori's characterization, since he's about as flamingly gay in this fic as he is in the actual game. King, heartbroken over having been dumped for Kyo, wanders around the beautiful town of Southtown (what?) trying to cheer herself up. And who does she find but the poster boy for light and cheer himself - K'! He infers that she's found Iori, confessed her feelings to him, and now she needs some sympathy sex to cheer her up again. K' hugs her, and tells her that if it won't work for her this way, she can just go ahead and pretend that he's Iori. Oh yeah, this is the beginning of a really healthy relationship. Regardless, nothing in Hades or on Earth will break my hold on you!" *struggles out from under the cheese wheel*
Okay, so King relents. K' is right, Iori is a butthead and will never love anything but battle (Kyo). She bursts into tears and cries against K's chest, who stands around looking unmoved. K' continues with his Comforting Words:
As K' inhaled the fragrance of her hair, of her body, he spoke, " Indeed you were aptly titled. Shed not tears...Tears from a rose are tears of blood, from pricked fingers, and from drenched hearts."
*grabs author* WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THESE CHARACTERS? I HAVEN'T SEEN A MAULING THIS SEVERE SINCE THE LAST "ANIMAL ENCOUNTERS GONE BAD" SPECIAL ON FOX!
King wants to know what comes next, and K' fills her in - why, they do the nasty, of course! K' asks her if she wants to hump like bunnies, and King feels a strange sensation in her heart. It's not nausea or disgust - no, it's completion! Fulfillment! K' wants to screw her, so obviously it means they'll be together forever. K' has filled the void in her heart that Iori has left. Now if only someone would fill the void in my head, because my brain has decided to take a hiatus due to the complete incomprehensibility of this characterization.
They get it on. There's no lemon scene. I think that the fic gods were pitying me in that respect, and decided that a lemon scene between these two might have driven the reader to suicide. King lays next to K's Hulking Frame. WHAT? K' is a skinny little fuck. Okay, he may not look it - but look at his character statistics. The guy is six feet tall and weighs 143 pounds. I think she might just still be imagining Iori, because Yagami is a hulking demon. K' is more like a wet cat.
As if it couldn't get any worse, we now have Glaring Cultural Inaccuracy. The French King and the nationality-free K' have bumped uglies, and K' decides to sit poignantly on the windowsill to think. He opens the shoji and sits on the windowsill. Shoji are paper DOORS. Perhaps some windows in modern-day Japan have paper shutters. I don't know. But we're in SOUTHTOWN, not JAPAN! Last time I checked, Southtown was supposed to be AMERICA.
K' has a scar from when he fought Iori...when this might have happened, I'm not sure. It's probably just a plot hole that the author never decided to fill in. And he also has a grudge against Caffeine Nicotine...lord only knows why. Talk about no connection at all. Unless Caffeine Nicotine is supposed to be a pun or something...since during his musing, K' is smoking a pipe.
16. K' doesn't smoke a pipe. He doesn't smoke anything, although if he were going to smoke, he's not going to smoke a damn pipe! He's a cyberpunk badass in black leather. That and pipe smoking are as incongruous as Iori and the word "toots".
King almost wakes up while K' babbles to himself about someday defeating Iori. But the truth is, he Respects Iori. In fact, he would have killed King, if he thought that Iori was actually in love with her. Again, WHAT? He respects Iori because he has fought him and lived. Uh, okay. And then K' reveals that he's not actually in love with King, even though he keeps saying he is, over and over and over again. He's actually just sleeping with King because he thinks that this has made him victorious over Iori by stealing a woman away from him that Iori didn't even want in the first place. If K' had room for rational thought in between the roses and the prose, he'd have realized that the best way to piss Iori off would be to sleep with KYO, not with KING.
Okay, the fic is almost over at this point, which is a good thing, because I'm seriously about to blood riot over the butchering of characters. It is causing me Pain. The title should be interpreted as a warning and a summary more than an attention-getter.
King overhears K' muttering about winning victories against Iori, and decides that all K' was doing was playing mind-games with her - he didn't really give a crap about her feelings. She explodes in a bitchy female rage, storms out of the room, completely naked - they don't say this, but she didn't give half a thought to her clothes before she tries to leave the room. K' acts all pushy and masculine, tells her that she's misunderstanding his emotions, and King decides not to listen to him. She runs out of the room and standing poignantly out in the rain, sees K' smash the windowsill with his flaming fist of passion.
One month passes. King has been wandering the streets of Southtown, still naked, and it hasn't stopped raining, either. Welcome to Monsoon Season in Southtown. Apparently she hasn't been home since King ran out on K' -- she's that heartbroken, kids. But who shows up with a bamboo umbrella? Shizumaru? Nah, that would make sense! K' looks at King, pretends he doesn't care, but in fact he does! After this one look, King knows that she's in love with K'. The rain stops for a moment and then turns into snow. This makes King feel faint, since she's probably contracted pneumonia due to wandering around naked in the rain for a month.
So K' holds her, sweeps King off her feet, and they kiss. They look up at the sky, and the author explains that this sudden change from rain to snow is analogous to the change of King's heart. How fucking cliched, and even more so than that, IMPLAUSIBLE. Not to mention that K' probably doesn't like snow much, since it's pretty much the same thing as the Anti-K'...although I imagine she doesn't exist in this strange, alternate universe that Meaty Hunk K' and Weepy Princess King live in.
The end.
There is really nothing good to say about this fic. The English makes sense and it seems to have been spellchecked - that's the only thing I can say in its favor. Otherwise, it's completely out of character, the dialogue is worse than most romance novels, and there are plot holes the size of Minnesota. I didn't mention it before, but the fic is not without its sprinklings of bad, oddly used Otaku Japanese. The fic is so bad on its own that I didn't even really feel the need to point out that extra bit - it's just pouring more salt into the wound. If you like King of Fighters, DO NOT READ THIS FIC.
Actually, if you're sane, DO NOT READ THIS FIC. You know what - it doesn't matter who you are, just don't read it. You'll save yourself from the Pain that lies within.