The Phantom Menace :: Over
The Phantom Menace :: Over
Reviewed By: Midnight Mutation
SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
PLOT: 0/5
WRITING: 3/5
TIME SHIFTS THAT MAKE NO SENSE: 7/5
Well, the plot starts with Qui-Gon angsting because his relationship is over. Whoo. Way to give away the plot. When will authors learn that you want to START in the PRESENT, and then work your way to the end? It works much better that way, and the readers are less likely to become bored, reading through a plot that they already know the ending too. Very few people can work backwards well. For an example of the reversing technique done well, see the movie Memento.
This technique doens't work as well in writing. So, please, for the sake of the public who is tired of being told the ending before the beginning starts, stop it.
Anyway, moving on. The next section happens three weeks earlier on a Republic transport ship. Qui-Gon is still angsting. This time because he doesn't have Obi-Wan. So he resorts to skulking around and reading Obi-Wan's diary. Why? Because "For a relationship to occur Obi-Wan had to make the first move -- had to state with no room for uncertainty, that he wanted Qui-Gon." Basically, Qui-Gon is fishing for information. Obi-Wan walks in, nearly catching Qui-Gon at it. Oh, and Obi-Wan is dressed only in a towel.
At least it wasn't a sarong.
Flash foward to a point unknown. We realize that it is three weeks later due to a comment of Obi-Wan's, but other than that, the reader hasn't a clue of what's been going on. Turns out that after three weeks of sexual chocolate, Qui-Gon dumps Obi-Wan, telling him that "you make it sound like I'm just tossing you aside. I'm not. Your training must come first. Surely you can see that this new relationship we have can only interfere with it. The line between teacher and student should not be crossed; it can lead to abuse or overconfidence on my part. What if I was blinded to a potentially fatal fault in your fighting skills? What if I'm too close to you to see the flaws? I've been guilty of that before."
Well, this is a new variation on the "let's just be friends" speech. Or at least it would be if Qui-Gon didn't use this same excuse in every other hurt/comfort PM slash fic there is. Not to mention how nonsensical it is for Qui-Gon to berate Obi-Wan for making a fuss. Throwing him away is what he's doing.
Me, I think he's just getting it on with Yoda on the side.
Then you have Obi-Wan's response. ""No!" Obi-Wan held his hands up. "Enough -- it's over. You used me and abused me and I've outstayed my welcome in your bed. I get it." You "used me and abused me?" Oooh, how catty. When's Obi gonna bust out the nails and start trying to claw Xanatos's eyes out?
These are Jedi, can't they sound less like they're caught unwilling in a soap opera?
So the soap opera continues as Obi-Wan storms out, and Qui-Gon falls to the floor in a flood of tears. Only without the nice alliteration. Then the scene shifts in time AGAIN, to three hours BEFORE the fight. The reader is treated to a heart-to-heart talk between Mace Windu and Qui-Gon. Mace is predictably enough berating Qui-Gon for having sexual relations with his padawan, saying it's setting a bad example. I suppose the reader is supposed to surmise that it was Mace's derision that sparked off Qui-Gon handing Obi-Wan the dump truck. Mace continues his tirade, threatening to petition "the Council to have you removed as Obi-Wan's master if the relationship continues." Oh the angst never ends, does it? And yes, Mace convinces Qui-Gon.
Yet another slip back in time, to the Republic. You all get the picture. The fic goes all over time, with no continuous setting. But because I'm tired of summarizing point by point, I'll just conclude with a quick paragraph. Turns out that Mace actually had the hots for Qui-Gon, so broke up the pairing. Bant, a friend of Obi-Wan's, intervenes, and goes to the Council with accusations against Mace. The Council rules in favor of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. They kiss and make up. Everyone lives happily ever after.
See, I have three big problems with this fic. First of all is the constant jumping around in time. The fic becomes hard to follow, because the reader has to always keep track of when the scene they're reading is taking place. This, in a 70K fic, can get rather tiresome. First thing the author needs to do is fix this, and rewrite the fic in a continuous string of events. Or at least chronical order. Jumping around in time is actually nessecery, it provides backstory. But not to this extent, and the past tense really needs to be inserted more seamlessly. Something like:
See, that's an example of more compact, and easier to read remininscence. It gets the job done without having to cue the reader, or even really changing the scene.
The second major problem I have with this story is the characterization. For the most part, I think they're all pretty well in-character. Two glaring exceptions. Everyone and their brother cries. Crying in fanfics nauseates me. Especially when it doesn't accompany intense physical pain. And in paticular when it's strong male characters crying. Can't we find some other way of expressing emotion? "Qui-Gon slid down the wall, curling up into a near fetal position. He buried his face into his hands, feeling the rough strands of hair that Obi-Wan had just touched hours ago." There, it portrays the same depth of emotion without a crying scene.
The third problem I have is the plot premise. There's nothing that distinguishes this story from every other story in the Master_Apprentice archive. It's a fairly formulaic story, and definitely needs something to spice things up a bit. Give me some originality! Rather than Mace wanting Gui-Gon, why not have Mace lust after Xanatos, and figure that leaving Qui-Gon vulnerable would be the best way to bring Xanatos running after him. Or better yet, have Qui-Gon and Yoda boinking on the side and have Obi-Wan find out. Or anything. Something different. It's not that hard to come up with a different variation on the same plot if you can't come up with something entirely new.
See, reading this fic makes me want to beat my head against a wall. Because that's what I feel; like I'm running up against a brick wall because nothing in these fics changes. Keep this up and I'll break out the grenade launcher and make them change.
Reviewed By: Midnight Mutation
SCORE
CHARACTERIZATION: 1/5
PLOT: 0/5
WRITING: 3/5
TIME SHIFTS THAT MAKE NO SENSE: 7/5
Well, the plot starts with Qui-Gon angsting because his relationship is over. Whoo. Way to give away the plot. When will authors learn that you want to START in the PRESENT, and then work your way to the end? It works much better that way, and the readers are less likely to become bored, reading through a plot that they already know the ending too. Very few people can work backwards well. For an example of the reversing technique done well, see the movie Memento.
This technique doens't work as well in writing. So, please, for the sake of the public who is tired of being told the ending before the beginning starts, stop it.
Anyway, moving on. The next section happens three weeks earlier on a Republic transport ship. Qui-Gon is still angsting. This time because he doesn't have Obi-Wan. So he resorts to skulking around and reading Obi-Wan's diary. Why? Because "For a relationship to occur Obi-Wan had to make the first move -- had to state with no room for uncertainty, that he wanted Qui-Gon." Basically, Qui-Gon is fishing for information. Obi-Wan walks in, nearly catching Qui-Gon at it. Oh, and Obi-Wan is dressed only in a towel.
At least it wasn't a sarong.
Flash foward to a point unknown. We realize that it is three weeks later due to a comment of Obi-Wan's, but other than that, the reader hasn't a clue of what's been going on. Turns out that after three weeks of sexual chocolate, Qui-Gon dumps Obi-Wan, telling him that "you make it sound like I'm just tossing you aside. I'm not. Your training must come first. Surely you can see that this new relationship we have can only interfere with it. The line between teacher and student should not be crossed; it can lead to abuse or overconfidence on my part. What if I was blinded to a potentially fatal fault in your fighting skills? What if I'm too close to you to see the flaws? I've been guilty of that before."
Well, this is a new variation on the "let's just be friends" speech. Or at least it would be if Qui-Gon didn't use this same excuse in every other hurt/comfort PM slash fic there is. Not to mention how nonsensical it is for Qui-Gon to berate Obi-Wan for making a fuss. Throwing him away is what he's doing.
Me, I think he's just getting it on with Yoda on the side.
Then you have Obi-Wan's response. ""No!" Obi-Wan held his hands up. "Enough -- it's over. You used me and abused me and I've outstayed my welcome in your bed. I get it." You "used me and abused me?" Oooh, how catty. When's Obi gonna bust out the nails and start trying to claw Xanatos's eyes out?
These are Jedi, can't they sound less like they're caught unwilling in a soap opera?
So the soap opera continues as Obi-Wan storms out, and Qui-Gon falls to the floor in a flood of tears. Only without the nice alliteration. Then the scene shifts in time AGAIN, to three hours BEFORE the fight. The reader is treated to a heart-to-heart talk between Mace Windu and Qui-Gon. Mace is predictably enough berating Qui-Gon for having sexual relations with his padawan, saying it's setting a bad example. I suppose the reader is supposed to surmise that it was Mace's derision that sparked off Qui-Gon handing Obi-Wan the dump truck. Mace continues his tirade, threatening to petition "the Council to have you removed as Obi-Wan's master if the relationship continues." Oh the angst never ends, does it? And yes, Mace convinces Qui-Gon.
Yet another slip back in time, to the Republic. You all get the picture. The fic goes all over time, with no continuous setting. But because I'm tired of summarizing point by point, I'll just conclude with a quick paragraph. Turns out that Mace actually had the hots for Qui-Gon, so broke up the pairing. Bant, a friend of Obi-Wan's, intervenes, and goes to the Council with accusations against Mace. The Council rules in favor of Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon. They kiss and make up. Everyone lives happily ever after.
See, I have three big problems with this fic. First of all is the constant jumping around in time. The fic becomes hard to follow, because the reader has to always keep track of when the scene they're reading is taking place. This, in a 70K fic, can get rather tiresome. First thing the author needs to do is fix this, and rewrite the fic in a continuous string of events. Or at least chronical order. Jumping around in time is actually nessecery, it provides backstory. But not to this extent, and the past tense really needs to be inserted more seamlessly. Something like:
- John pulled the Camels out of his jacket pocket. He had started smoking when he was 16, filching his mother's cigarettes. It was all because of Suzy; she had smoked, and John wanted to do anything to get closer to her. Even when she was gone, he had never stopped.
See, that's an example of more compact, and easier to read remininscence. It gets the job done without having to cue the reader, or even really changing the scene.
The second major problem I have with this story is the characterization. For the most part, I think they're all pretty well in-character. Two glaring exceptions. Everyone and their brother cries. Crying in fanfics nauseates me. Especially when it doesn't accompany intense physical pain. And in paticular when it's strong male characters crying. Can't we find some other way of expressing emotion? "Qui-Gon slid down the wall, curling up into a near fetal position. He buried his face into his hands, feeling the rough strands of hair that Obi-Wan had just touched hours ago." There, it portrays the same depth of emotion without a crying scene.
The third problem I have is the plot premise. There's nothing that distinguishes this story from every other story in the Master_Apprentice archive. It's a fairly formulaic story, and definitely needs something to spice things up a bit. Give me some originality! Rather than Mace wanting Gui-Gon, why not have Mace lust after Xanatos, and figure that leaving Qui-Gon vulnerable would be the best way to bring Xanatos running after him. Or better yet, have Qui-Gon and Yoda boinking on the side and have Obi-Wan find out. Or anything. Something different. It's not that hard to come up with a different variation on the same plot if you can't come up with something entirely new.
See, reading this fic makes me want to beat my head against a wall. Because that's what I feel; like I'm running up against a brick wall because nothing in these fics changes. Keep this up and I'll break out the grenade launcher and make them change.