ER - Ray/Neela
Title: Down and Out
Fandom: ER
Pairing: Ray/Neela
CD & Song: All We Know Is Falling - All We Know (Paramore)
Rating: PG
Notes: Spoilers for 12x18
We tried so hard to understand, but we can't
We held the world out in our hands and you ran away
~*~
It happened so fast.
One moment she was simply ‘Neela: Roomie/Co-worker’, and the next she was ‘Neela: Roomie/Co-worker/Woman-he-loves’. Which made everything complex. Far too complex. And he wasn’t good with that. He really, really wasn’t good with that.
She felt it too; he’d noticed that a while ago. Neither of them had given in. And it made him feel slightly warm inside to know she’d considered the possibility that she ever could. But he’d considered his options too, long ago and many times after that, and he’d decided that he’d rather pine after her day after day with her living with him, than ever lose her. It never occurred to him that she’d take matters out of his hands. He should have known. And he tried to stop her. But his Neela was stubborn, even when she was in tears. He’d given one last desperate plea, one last try to get her to stay. To not leave him alone.
I wish I didn’t…feel how I feel…
Liar. He was such a liar, and he knew it. She probably knew it too. But he had to try. Had to convince her that he’d never act on those his feelings. She was married; he was willing to acknowledge it, even if it hurt. They’d danced around it for so many months, they could continue that. He tried to tell her. He knew it had been unfair of him to even imply that he had feelings for her, even if she already knew. To imply that the two of them could ever be something more. To make her even more unsure than she already was. Still, he never wanted to hurt her. In the end it didn’t really matter how good his intentions were.
The road to hell…
She obviously believed that leaving was the best thing to do, and he was going to have to deal with that. He wanted to tell her it wasn’t the only option. They could be friends; they could be like they’d always been. He didn’t know why he hadn’t. If only he could have made her believe it before she’d left and broken his heart.
Instead, he’d left him standing alone, with his shirt - really more hers now - in hand. Feeling unbearably alone. He would see her again at work, but it would never be the same. And he would never forget. Never, ever forget. And he prayed to God that she wouldn’t either.
Maybe, in their memories, that one good thing that they had wouldn’t have to come to an end. If anything, he would pretend it hadn’t. He wasn’t giving up.