FIC FOR TATOEBA (part 1)
For: tatoeba
From: sashjun
Title: In all kind of shapes and sizes (part 1)
Pairings/Characters: Jin/Ueda, cameos by the rest of KAT-TUN, Ryo and Yamapi
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: this is too long, thus posted in two parts, there is sex
Notes: None of these are probably that necessary, especially the lyrics are really marginal but: this is a random report that says Ueda didn´t applaud when he went to see You&Jin, here are lyrics to Adjust the Love and Reset, and Hanamaru Café where Jin tells us how many songs he´s done already.
Dear tatoeba I hope this will be at least a bit enjoyable. I really loved your sign-up, so I don´t know what exactly went wrong. Thanks to my beta and those who held my hands through this
Summary: Jin wants his show to be different, Ueda thinks he has no clue about how things really work, and the rest of KAT-TUN look on and probably enjoy the show.
“Give it a month or so; the enthusiasm will wear off,” Ueda says, squeezing Kame's shoulder and effectively stopping the man from physically attacking Jin. This was the seventh attempt this week. Kame´s been just oozing with affection lately.
Jin just got the confirmation for his new show and hasn't stopped bragging ever since. That jerk has been smiling, bouncing up and down just like in his early junior years (something their manager and Kame have been asking him to at least attempt for years now) and talking about how well the preparation and song writing has been going.
Kame's mouth forms a thin line, and Nakamaru gives Ueda a grateful look. He has Koki on the case as well, but Jin just wouldn't shut up, and Kame is growing more irate with every odd tune and quirky dreamy smile Jin gives him.
"And then we have an interview and he just sits there." Kame shoots Ueda a glare and punches his shoulder just because. He can take it; he is a boxer. Ueda twitches and holds back the need to rub the spot where Kame's knuckles (and a ring or two) just formed a bruise. Kame still likes to punch a sand bag from time to time as well.
Koki asks Kame to go get a coffee with him, and Maru goes to listen to Jin in hope of him shutting up when they all come back together to talk about the new single. Junno just tilts his head and notes that Ueda looks whipped, pun intended. All in all, they are pretty well coordinated. Ueda wonders why it never shows when they are dancing.
“If you don't shut up, I won't help you with this at all,” Ueda tells Jin later that day, having him practically pinned down against his own car in the jimusho parking lot so that he doesn´t walk away and actually listens for once.
“I won't need your help,” Jin smirks and wiggles an eyebrow at him. “But you seem so eager - to help . . .” He pushes against Ueda's body.
Ueda stays unfazed. "I'm not offering either."
He lets go of Jin and heads for his own car. Nothing has really changed over all those years they spent together. Jin is a fool with big stars in his eyes, not seeing beyond his illusions, and Ueda is an even bigger fool for actually caring. At least Nakamaru says that's what he does. He is really not one to talk. Ueda rolls his eyes as he watches Jin storm out of the parking lot.
3 months until the first show
make it DIFFERENT is scribbled across a music sheet. Ueda can tell it's the one Jin's been carrying around for about a week. As far as Ueda knows, it's the first song Jin has actually come anywhere close to finishing for his show. Seeing the red ink everywhere, Ueda concludes it hasn’t been going that well. His fingers itch to pick it up and give it a poke of his own. He and Jin used to do it all the time, playing around with what the other wrote. Now, he thinks as he shoves his hands deeper into his pockets, he should ask or, more likely, he should wait to be asked. If that doesn´t happen, then he is not to poke his nose into things that are not his business.
“I guess it's his turn now,” he says to Kame when he spins and strolls away from Jin's pile of papers, scripts and interview questionnaires.
“And you can't just sit back and watch,” Kame smirks at him from behind his script.
“Don't give me that attitude. You’ve been watching him like a hawk ever since he’s learned the news. And you almost burnt a hole into my back just now; you were about ready to punch my lights out if I touched anything without his permission."
"I like watching that idiot fail." Kame shrugs his shoulders. “Watching you all torn and shit is almost as much fun, though,” he adds.
“You like watching him try,” Ueda corrects, ignoring the rest of Kame´s statement and grabbing some paper, suddenly feeling like writing music of his own. They all know better than that.
Arashi would go and celebrate an event like this in some orgy of epic proportions, Kanjani8 would go drinking, laughing loudly and telling dirty jokes all night long. NEWS would hold a very classy party (in a private booth of some karaoke bar, because Shige needs to practice), and Koyama would cry them a river. KAT-TUN just told Jin not to mess it up because it would stain their image as well. Each of them then sent a message to a friend or another because this was Jin and he was reaching out for his dreams. Celebrations come in all kind of shapes and sizes.
Nakamaru laughs lightly from the door. “He’s doing a song from Bandage, maybe even two. He’s singing Care and Wonder too, and I’m pretty sure Eternal is on the list as well.”
Kame only switches his left and his right leg, crossing them the other way around. And it is up to Ueda to raise an eyebrow.
“What? I just asked over dinner yesterday. You’re not the only one who doesn't want him to fall on his nose. Good morning, by the way.”
“You two sound so disgustingly concerned,” Kame says, forgetting to feign indifference about the topic discussed.
Maru only comes further into the room and starts collecting his things.
“Secretly, you are just happy that we have a single to get ready as well because that means you actually get to know these things. Otherwise you would just have to suck it up and finally ask for his phone number again so you can molest him that way.”
Ueda chuckles, “You still don't have it? It's been months since he changed it.”
“Whatever,” Kame mutters, and they all know the conversation is over.
“What's up,” Jin bounces into the room. He raises his chin towards Maru and Ueda in greeting and even spares Kame a look. “I’m not the last one to arrive,” he pumps his fist, and it looks more like he is powering himself on, telling himself he is in control. He then flops down on the couch and covers his eyes with his cap, planning to nap until it’s really necessary for him to participate.
“He’s still too happy for my liking,” Kame mutters.
“It throws your rhythm off, doesn´t it?” Ueda can´t bite the remark back.
“Mabushiiii,” Junno giggles from the doorway, mocking Kame's new drama before it even started.
“Thankfully, it should only get darker in the next few months,” Koki sighs, patting Junno on the shoulder as if saying good job and squeezing into the room as well. It took an hour for them to finally be all in one place.
"Love yourself," Ueda mutters as their manager comes through the door as well. The chairs are being pulled around a table, and the room starts to buzz.
If not for the single, he wouldn’t see much of them right about now either. He wonders if it’s on purpose, if this means that they actually should keep an eye on Jin for once. He knows he’s seeing too much into this. The new single, its name, Kame´s and Jin's solos―another song for Jin´s show´s playlist.
The man is still flying high in the midst of the haze of his dreams (coming true) and believes. Ueda cringes at the thought of how hard the fall could be. He catches Kame stealing a glance at Jin (he didn’t have to do a solo concert to know what it means to fall hard) and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding when Koki pokes Kame's side playfully, bringing his attention back to the discussion and away from Jin. They definitely got better at this. At this almost member-ai, even if Koyama would probably still pull a sad face if he saw them. Knowing someone is watching out for Kame makes it easier for Ueda to concentrate on the younger man currently sitting next to him, hair in a ponytail, hands in his pockets. He sighs and rubs his temples. If only Jin didn't think he’s seen it all by now.
“Earth to Ueda,” Jin waves his hand in front of Ueda’s eyes and mock pouts when the other registers him.
“Please be a responsible adult and pay attention, we are discussing me.”
Ueda forces his eyes to focus on their manager.
“And I should be involved why?” He asks Jin and ignores the glare it earns him. It's easy to pretend disinterest.
2 months until the first show
“I don't want to hear it,” Ueda groans when Jin flops right onto his legs in their dressing room.
“There´s nothing wrong with that song,” Jin whines, and there is almost pain in his voice but only because Ueda just kicked him in his thigh (“You do not get to carelessly sit wherever you want to, be considerate.”).
“As I said, I don't want to hear it,” Ueda turns to the side, biting his lip so he doesn't give Jin a piece of his mind; on the song and the fact he had once said Ueda's help was not needed. Besides, this is something Jin should probably find out for himself.
“It's your show, your production, your presentation.”
Jin hears, "fuck off, I don't care," and huffs.
Ueda is saying, "Do it on your own terms, don't give up and have a backbone. Accept criticism but stand tall behind your vision".
Kame is in a remarkably better mood now that Jin doesn't have his head in the clouds (that much) anymore. He sends him to finally learn the lyrics to their upcoming single (“You better put out; my drama deserves your best”); still there is a weird book full of historic poems and "shit" and an energy drink on Jin' s vanity table a few days later.
“I am not going to sing about the greatness of geisha,” Jin huffs but takes the book anyway, for good laughs. Nakamaru's bottom lip is between his teeth more often, and Ueda has Koki on it; the man invites their resident almost-worry-cat for a shopping trip and a beer afterwards. Junno giggles and keeps on supplying Ueda with stupid puns about friends in need and comrades in deed.
Ueda calls Yamashita. Just in case.
6 weeks until the first show
“I want it to be different,” Jin tells his manager as they hurriedly walk down the hall. The manager burrows his eyebrow.
“Just let someone write a few songs for you.”
“It has to be me.”
“What we care about is you performing and selling out all the shows. People expect things from you. You are a Johnny´s; they expect to see that on stage.”
“I won’t be like everybody else, parading around the stage in flashy costumes and trying so hard it´s painful to watch,” Jin spits out.
“I want to see some results,” the man tells him and leaves.
“Why do you want it to be different?” Ueda practically lets Jin crash into him behind the next corner, clearly waiting for him to come, actively making a step right into his path.
“What the hell! Ueda,” Jin starts angry, but the last syllable almost dies in his throat.
Ueda is dead serious, gripping his wrist so hard that there might be bruises where each tip of his fingers digs into his skin, nails almost breaking it.
“Why?” Ueda asks again.
“I am not everyone?”
“Do you just want to stand out? Do you want to be different than Nakamaru, me or Yamashita? Do you just want to prove us all wrong? Or do you want something else? What do you want to show? What makes you so different from the rest of us? Do you have a clear vision? Because different isn´t a vision. And what do expectations of people that will come to watch mean to you?”
Jin stares at him. It´s all just a flood of questions, and he has a hard time keeping track of them, making sense and connections.
“Do you want to be different than me or than the “you” until now? Do you just want to run from your past? Does all that you´ve done until now really mean nothing? What makes you so different now?”
“Ueda. Let me go.” Jin can´t answer the questions, so he opts for trying to at least get out of there, get away from them and from Ueda´s grip. “Leave me alone!” He almost shouts, anger rising in him.
Ueda´s grip loosens, but he doesn´t let go.
“Who are you running away from; us idols you look down on, or “you” who is one of us?”
“I do not …” Jin bites his lip, he will not defend himself.
“You have no idea how hard I tried, or how it felt to stand on the stage, knowing how hard I tried. Are you capable of facing those expectations?” Ueda just had to ask one last question.
“Leave me already. You have been onto me ever since you found out. I don´t need you or your guidance.” Jin finally actively fights Ueda, jerking his arm and shaking those fingers off. They were cold, burnt his skin.
4 weeks until the concert
“Let´s make a song together.”
Ryo looks at him as if he grew a second head.
“Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Didn´t you say they would all be in English?”
“They will be.”
“Jin, are you going to actually tell me what is going on?”
“I need another tune. I need more than one, but I think I need someone else to work with for a change. You play guitar, help me out.”
They are sitting in a bar. Pi is there too, and they´ve been telling him all they have learned when they were on their own in the past. Not that Jin asked; he should listen anyway. Pi knows Jin hasn’t got as much done as he would like to. And it´s hard to produce a show when you don´t have the essentials, when you don´t have the beats for the dancers, the theme for the lights, the atmosphere for the stage.
“Sure, any ideas on what you are going to sing about?” Ryo finally says, casting a look at Pi. He knows Ueda called him few weeks back. He doesn´t know much more than that, but Yamapi has been asking about the concert ever since. He has no clue what Ueda asked for and what he knew, but Yamapi is worried, and if Jin still needs songs, there might be a reason to be.
Jin looks around the bar and watches the girl that’s approaching them. Pi nodded approvingly only a second ago, but as she comes closer, trying so hard, her come hither expression on, Jin just laughs and nods towards her.
“I want to have some fun,” he tells Ryo.
“Suddenly, I don’t want to know,” Ryo smacks him and asks for another round of beers. “I’m not doing this for free,” he announces as they clang their glasses, sealing the deal.
“I wasn´t expecting you to. What about coming by and singing it with me at the concert?”
Yamapi laughs and Jin receives a kick into the shin.
“You want it to be in English!” Ryo probably tries to sound angry, but pouting, he doesn´t look intimidating at all.
“It´s a deal then, Ryo-chan,” Jin suddenly singsongs, visibly less tense and full of energy.
15 days until the first show
“Five songs?”
Jin shuts the door he has just opened. The knocking on it doesn´t stop.
“Ueda, so good to see you,” he says when he opens it again, eyes looking somewhere over and behind the man, shoulders hanging down, one feet playing with the shoes scattered in his entrance.
“Five fucking songs?” Ueda storms in, throws a big traveling bag into the apartment, kicks off his shoes and heads to the kitchen. “I brought take out.”
“What on earth compelled you to tell the truth, and how the hell do you rehearse when you are missing chunks of your playlist?”
“It´s not that bad.” Jin glares at him.
They have long gotten over their last brawl. There have been worse in the past and they’re older now. Jin knows more than ever before that Ueda cares much more than he shows. And it´s because they trust each other that they shout. Most of the time. It just came as a shock the last time because it hadn´t happen for a long time, not with violence and Ueda being so insistent. They’d coexisted peacefully for what now seems like eternity.
In the past, Ueda crashing in his apartment wouldn´t be such an unexpected event. They used to interact on occasions, even in their free time. Jin realizes there is a difference between just living lives alongside each other and sitting down, writing songs and then arguing who the song belongs to and how it should end.
“Maybe we should just fight,” Jin says out loud, grabbing the take-out box Ueda was clearly reaching for and digging in.
“You would end up in the hospital if we fought with as much energy as we used to. I’m much stronger now.”
“I’m not that weak either.”
“If you want to, we can go and spar. But in a gym, with gloves and protection and under supervision.”
“You have Kame for that”
Ueda just rolls his eyes. “He is playing a pretty boy now; he can´t afford another broken nose.”
Jin laughs. “I think it would fit the script nicely. Sunako is one fierce woman.”
“I’m staying until you have enough songs to start the show with,” Ueda says next.
“Uchi texted Ryo. Apparently, there actually will be a kiss scene. Do you think it will be just another chuu in the sunset?”
Jin stuffs his mouth full and looks at Ueda. The silence can be justified by them eating. The battle that their eyes lead in the meantime has reasons that are unspoken anyway.
“Where´s your guitar?” Jin asks when they’re done and Ueda goes to fetch his bag.
“I’m not the one who needs to compose.”
Jin has never asked him, and he is not planning to. He wishes Ueda would just do it though, would just grab a guitar and start strumming it. But then, it might not be that easy to go back to the old ways.
“You’re sleeping on the couch. I don´t have any extra futon here.”
“Just give me a blanket, will you?”
Jin goes and brings the warmest one he has. He knows it can get pretty cold in this room during the night. He feels a bit lighter, more confident all of a sudden. Good food can do miracles.
When he returns, Ueda is sitting on Jin´s couch, hugging his knees, chin propped on his folded limbs, and he’s staring at the shelves in front of him. A strand of hair falls into his eyes and he tries to blow it away. It’s funny how his lips quirk, the bottom one almost swallowing the rest of his mouth and looking impossibly big as he tries to direct the air in the right direction. Jin´s stomach twists a little. Maybe he has eaten a bit too much.
“Here,” he says, throwing the blanket on the couch and reaching out to swipe the lock of hair away before he can change his mind. Ueda gives him another look he can´t read, but the corners of his eyes turn up. Jin´s fingers itch when he pulls them away, and he swipes his palms across his thighs.
“All the new songs are in English.”
“So I´ve heard.”
“They’re club songs, fast beat and some rap.”
“I think you do melody just as well.” Ueda tilts his head.
Jin finds himself nodding. “I should go.” he points to the corner where his PC and all the recording equipment are.
“Okay.” Ueda springs to his feet. “I´ll just go to sleep. I have an early morning.”
Before Jin even moves, Ueda has changed into some sweats and a t-shirt and is heading to the bathroom, “to wash his teeth and stuff”.
Jin has to take a deep breath before he can think of anything else than Ueda, Ueda sleeping on his couch, Ueda showering in his bathroom, occupying his kitchen, infecting everything with his light fragrance (too good and too addictive, making Jin want more of it), Ueda flipping his hair, Ueda running around shirtless (alright he’s never done that for as long as Jin remembers), Ueda´s glances, Ueda´s confidence in what and how he is now, Ueda´s secrecy, Ueda not telling him what he thinks about his songs … Ueda back from the bathroom, standing in front of him and staring him down, again.
“If this is your working tempo at home, I think you might have a problem,” Ueda says.
13 days until the first show
“So how’s married life?” Koki asks when they meet on their way to a promo shooting for their new single.
“Ueda looks hot in his new pink apron,” Jin says dryly.
“That bad?”
Jin shrugs his shoulders. “I’d like to know why he’s even there. It´s not like he’s helping me.”
Everyone else is already in the dressing room, getting ready, when they arrive.
“I hear you own a pink apron and cook with only that and nothing else on,” Kame greets him.
Koki bursts out laughing, and Ueda just looks on through the mirror.
“And I hear you still kiss like a toddler,” Jin smirk back at Kame.
“At least I don´t eat people´s faces.”
“Maybe you could show us, and we’ll tell you who is better,” Junno says. He’s always thought a fair competition is the way to settle a dispute about one´s physical abilities, especially if they’re measurable.
“I’m kissing Nakamaru,” Jin claims and is already advancing upon his skinny bandmate.
“No way in hell.” The other man jumps from his chair.
“Ueda, I think I can deal with you,” Kame turns around.
“Both of you sit down and get your make up done,” Ueda turns around and attempts to glare them down. Jin is chasing Maru around the room, and Koki just set off to help him catch him. Kame blows Ueda a kiss and goes back to his hair products.
Maru is caught, and a big smooch is placed on his cheek.
“Aren’t you happy Akanishi Jin has kissed you?” Jin grins at him.
Somehow, Ueda realizes, all six of them are laughing or giggling or at least smothering their chuckles into their sleeves (in Kame´s case). Jin wears his hair up and is quite talkative during the interview segment this time. He looks good like this.
7 days until the first show
“Only one more,” Jin flops down next to Ueda, who’s reading some book, sitting cross-legged on his couch, his bed, his living space for the last week or so.
“Good. I’m sick of playing you room service, delivery boy and cleaning lady.”
“Well you’re a lousy live-in maid anyway.”
“Shut up,” Ueda pokes him in the side with his bare foot, and Jin dodges, falling to the side.
Ueda is suddenly leaning over him, hair in the face again, mischief in his eyes, crooked smile on his lips. He’s dangerously close. Jin can feel his body shift as he leans in even more. His head spins. Then Ueda attacks his collarbones, and Jin comes back from that internal rollercoaster to his own screeching and then a painful fall from the couch.
He looks up at Ueda in mild bewilderment.
Ueda´s been having these moments where he would totally forget to watch his poised self, and it always catches Jin off guard. His collarbone attacks, offhand funny comments about events discussed on TV, hands on Jin´s shoulders―leaning down to see his most recent scribbles of lyrics or notes. And then there’s the fact that he’s been cleaning after both of them, went groceries shopping and tried not to be in the way, disappearing when he knew Ryo was coming over to compose with him. There were the times he just made him tea and sat next to him after his manager had come down on him because of the progress of the songs or because of his production skills. There were moments when Jin saw him clutching his fists when he was telling him about how they wouldn´t let him do this or that. And there were hot baths getting ready for him immediately when Ueda had woken up late at night to him stumbling through the door after long meetings with staff and even longer choreography practices.
“Jin?” Ueda says softly, hand outstretched to help him up, “I´m sorry. Did you hit yourself somewhere?”
Jin just pulls at Ueda´s hand, and Ueda is falling down to the floor as well, elbow catching onto Jin´s side.
“What the hell,” he huffs. Jin stretches out on the floor, studying his ceiling.
“Thanks.” He should say it at some point.
“I’m not going to see the show,” Ueda voices in return.
“I didn´t go to yours either.”
He has no clue that Ueda´s hand closes into a fist; he can´t possibly know that, maybe, what Ueda wants in return is to finally be asked ―asked to go.
“You need one more song, Jin.”
“What if no one likes it?”
“You could write a Japanese one for a change,” Ueda suggests.
“No.” Jin twitches.
“Then you should man up and stand behind what you decided to do, face the consequences.”
“They will love it, Jin. They love you, and you are a good singer, your songs are pretty nice, you will be alright,” Jin tries to mimic Ueda´s voice.
“I have no clue how your new songs are, they’re all in English.”
“You know some English.”
Ueda stays silent. “You’re not hurt or anything; your back is ok?” He asks in the end.
“That couch is not that high up.”
“Ok then, I´m going to take a shower.” Ueda stands up and offers his hand again.
“Do you really want to risk it?” Jin laughs, already taking it.
“Do you?” Ueda asks back, taking hold of the hand, squeezing it hard to remind Jin of his strength. The younger man attempts a light laughter and gets up.
“Can I come with you?” he shouts after Ueda playfully.
The man actually turns around and measures him with one quick look, his face suddenly serious, eyes dark. “Of course,” the voice is low and deep, “. . . not.”
Jin´s stomach makes a summersault. Not at the promise, but at the rejection. Did he actually want to . . .
Ueda smirks a little and leaves Jin to experience another merry-go-round ride in his own head.
Jin can´t sleep that night, and he knows he’s doubting himself again, the playlist―the fast English songs and small peeks of his past in the form of old hits―playing in his head again and again. How will people react, will he let them down? Will he live up to their expectations? Is he pushing it too much? It´s not Johnny, the management or the press he’s worried about. But he wants to prove himself; he wants to show off in front of his fans, friends, the world, Ueda. Stupid Ueda who has changed his fucking sheets when doing laundry, and now he can feel him in this room as well.
“I´ve had enough,” Ueda is suddenly standing in the door. “Your bed screeches when you move this much. And that couch is more uncomfortable every night I have to spend here.”
“Sorry.”
Jin´s eyes widen in the dark as he hears the sound of Ueda´s bare (they’re always bare, screw it) feet on his floor.
“Share for the night,” Ueda says. Suddenly he is lying next to Jin, wrapping himself into the blanket he brought. “Now calm down and sleep. You can handle this. It´s just one more song and then I’m out of here.”
Jin wants to jump out of the bed instead. It feels like Ueda is right next to him, under his own blanket, instead of there being two thick covers in between them. It feels like they’re touching, hairs on his legs standing up, charged with electricity, as if it was Ueda´s own hair and skin just millimeters away. There is the entire bed in between them. Eventually, Ueda´s breathing evens, and he kicks off his blanket pretty soon, the temperature in this room being higher than where he´s been sleeping the past eight nights. One hand is thrown into the middle of the bed, head turned towards Jin, and Jin’s really getting up and moving onto the couch. But he still falls asleep only when the sun is almost up already.
“I came to find out which one of you really wears that pink apron,” Ryo says, letting himself into the apartment (it’s much more convenient to know where the spare key is), but he realizes that no one is listening. He finds Jin sleeping on the sofa and nudges him with his guitar.
“Hey, get up, you lazy ass. We’re supposed to try and have another go at this last song of yours.”
Jin opens his left eye. “Go away.”
“Idiot,” Ryo sits down on the armrest by Jin´s head. “Why are you sleeping in the living room? Where is Ueda?”
Jin just stares.
“Don´t tell me you´ve been sleeping on the couch all this time.” Ryo gets a bit protective, ready to give Jin’s self proclaimed savior a piece of his mind.
Jin’s suddenly wide awake and pulling at Ryo´s hand. “Calm down and don´t shout in here; it´s too early.”
“It´s almost lunch time! Now spill it.”
“I don´t own a pink apron.”
Ryo bursts out laughing. “Not about that. Why are you on the couch?”
“Oh that,” Jin ruffles his hair and lets out a long heave of air.
“Or maybe you should go and brush your teeth first.” Ryo wrinkles his nose.
Jin shoves him off the couch and laughs at Ryo catching himself and balancing.
“Ueda came to my bed last night,” he ends up saying.
“And?” Jin really wishes the guy would let it go.
“And I left him there and went to sleep on the couch.”
“Did he kick you out?”
“God, no, will you drop it already?”
“Okay, okay,” Ryo lifts his hands in defense and searches Jin´s sleepy eyes. “Just that. When Ueda Tatsuya willingly climbs into your bed, you do not run. You stay in there and enjoy the ride,” he says almost as if lecturing.
“And what exactly do you know about that, Nishikido-kun?” Ueda is really annoying with this appearing in doorways when no one’s asked him to.
“You work in the world of gossip,” Ryo tells him unfazed. Ueda smirks and goes off to the bathroom.
Jin is getting up and heading for the kitchen, and Ryo realizes he is not to ask any more questions.
“I’ll leave you to it.” Ueda comes back dressed and grabs a piece of bread and a water bottle. “I hope you get some work done.”
“Of course we will,” Ryo replies, looking smug.
Jin just nods and slips into the bathroom, avoiding Ueda’s questioning look as they pass each other.
Ueda’s almost out of the door, Ryo already making himself comfortable on the couch. “Do you know what Jin is singing about in your song?” He asks Ryo.
“Unfortunately, yes.” Ryo tells him, though he doesn´t look that sorry.
Ueda just leaves and doesn’t come back until evening when Ryo´s already gone.
“Ueda,” Jin whispers into his dark living room.
He can´t sleep. He’s gotten up three times, determined to change his sheets because they’re just unbearable now, Ueda´s scent on his pillow three times stronger than before. As far as he can tell, Ueda isn´t asleep either. They haven´t really talked all day long, and Jin is glad because he doesn´t know what he would have said. But this dead quiet is worse.
On the other hand, since when does he want to lead conversations with Ueda? Conversations about feelings, hurt feelings. Since when does he care what Ueda would think if he changed his own sheets? Why does it matter that it can affect the other, and since when is Ueda affected by such a stupid thing as Jin changing his sheets only two nights after he´d done the same for him.
“What is it?”
Jin doesn´t know how much time has passed since he opened the door because he just couldn´t handle sensing Ueda on the other side of the wall. He couldn´t keep his mind off Ueda breathing, not simply existing, but also tossing around, and sighing, and getting up, and walking around the room, and pausing abruptly and going back to the couch eventually.
“Did you actually fall asleep standing up?” Ueda asks mockingly, the light tone that usually echoes underneath all those layers of disdain missing.
Jin straightens his shoulders and walks to the couch. His underwear don´t have pockets, and he has no clue what to do with his hands. One of them ends up clutching to his own shirt and the other one searches for Ueda in the dark. He grabs a piece of the other man´s shirt and just pulls him up.
“Akanishi . . .” It´s angry, it´s not his given name.
“Let´s go to bed,” Jin says.
“No,” Ueda refuses, stops moving.
“Why can´t you just . . .”
“Go back to bed, Jin.”
“Come with me,” Jin raises his voice.
It´s pitch black out here, and he can´t see Ueda’s expression at all. He is actually glad for it because if those eyes were piercing through him as they usually were, then he’d run not only from his own bed, but from his own apartment.
“Stop fighting me for a moment and just do it,” he adds.
Ueda suddenly moves to the side, getting rid of Jin´s hand that was still clutching his t-shirt. Jin feels the rush of air on his skin as Ueda moves past him. When he makes a small step towards his own bedroom, he ends up yelping. A hand on his wrist out of nowhere, Ueda has come back for him, and he is pulling him towards his own bedroom.
He is tossed down onto his own bed, and Ueda climbs over him. Jin had stopped breathing when Ueda´s fingers wrapped around his wrist, reminding him of their argument. Now, with Ueda leaning over him, his brain is slowly shutting down, no air and no logic left to function.
“Don´t you dare go and sleep on that couch. I won´t be responsible for you being unable to move before the concerts even start.”
Ueda climbs down and curls into a small ball as far away from Jin as possible. It´s clearly on purpose this time, with his back turned to Jin and his knees almost underneath his chin.
“Sleep,” he whispers in a low voice.
Jin, still catching his breath, wants to touch him, pull at his shirt again, uncurl him and make him face him, wants to feel his breath on his neck this time and maybe his legs close to his own; he wants to share the blanket. He covers himself and sets to stare at Ueda´s back. When he thinks the other is asleep, his hand pulls at Ueda´s shirt, and he crumbles it in his fist, doesn´t let it go. Otherwise Ueda could fall down any minute now, lying so dangerously close to the edge.
Jin wakes up to some weird, although not unpleasant, smell practically attacking his nostrils. Food, or so he thinks. He gets up and drags his feet into the kitchen.
“This is the second attempt. But what you can smell is the first one. This one will be better,” Ueda tells him, spatula in hand, pink apron around his waist.
Jin´s foot catches on the table, and he stumbles, curses and pinches Ueda. He was going to pinch himself because he can see Ueda in a pink apron, but his foot is clearly hurting, so he can´t think of anything better to do.
“What the hell,” Ueda lashes out.
Jin blinks, but the pink apron (and the spatula for that matter) is still there.
“I think I just lost my mind,” Jin admits.
“Shut up and sit down; the food is ready.” Ueda is kind of smiling at him, and Jin is more and more ready to believe his own previous statement.
“What is it?” Jin sounds a little hysterical.
“English breakfast.” Ueda´s voice is only a little uncertain. He opens the window a little more and sits across the table from Jin.
“Eat.”
“Where did you get that?” Jin gets out, chin pointing towards Ueda´s attire, as he pokes the food experimentally.
“I tasted it, it is edible,” Ueda says, annoyed.
“Fine, fine. Look, I see an egg,” Jin takes a bite and must agree; it is edible and tastes kind of good.
“You have to finish that last song,” Ueda tells him, leaning back onto his chair. Jin can´t contain himself and reaches for the pink apron, trying to find out if it is really there.
“Do you have some grabbing complex or something?” Ueda pulls at the apron to get it away from Jin.
The younger man looks down on his food, hiding the minor freak out. Does Ueda know about his hand, was he still holding him when Ueda woke up? He decides to change the topic.
“Stop telling me to finish that song; you sound like my manager. Results, results, results. I want it to be good.”
“You only have five more days left! And results are all I care about, it´s not like I would know what the song is about,” Ueda shoots back.
“Stop it, will you? You do know some English, but you don´t even try to understand them. Why can´t you just leave it be, or leave me be when you’re in such a hurry to leave?”
“Fine,” Ueda stands up. He appears too cold, too unfazed. Jin’s furious, Ueda pushes him some more. “It´s not like I’m of any use to you. You’re just toying around with some idiotic club songs about short people and partying hard.”
“Don´t look down on my songs and my hard work,” Jin is standing up as well.
“I don´t care enough about them to look down on them. They are just a mess of random English words.” Ueda clenches his fists.
“What do you know? You don’t even try and listen to them properly.” Jin is kind of repeating himself.
“You never wanted my opinion anyway.”
Ueda takes off the stupid pink apron and throws it on the floor. He grabs his phone from the counter.
“I’m done here. You´ll live one song short off the quota. It´s not like people will ever know. They´ll be surprised you have more than five of them.”
Jin goes after him and actually jostles him a little when Ueda picks up his travel bag and heads for the door. The man doesn´t seem to think that violence will solve this particular fight of theirs.
“Finally there will be peace in here, no nagging and controlling my every move. Maybe my muse will finally come back.”
Ueda doesn´t really loose his balance, only his next step is a bit longer and sharper than all the others. He pulls his shoes on.
“You have a sink full of dishes,” he says from the door, “next time you kick someone out of your flat, think about the consequences first.”
Jin glares at him. “I don´t need your coded advice or threats,” he says and shuts the door on Ueda.
>>PART 2>>
From: sashjun
Title: In all kind of shapes and sizes (part 1)
Pairings/Characters: Jin/Ueda, cameos by the rest of KAT-TUN, Ryo and Yamapi
Rating: NC 17
Warnings: this is too long, thus posted in two parts, there is sex
Notes: None of these are probably that necessary, especially the lyrics are really marginal but: this is a random report that says Ueda didn´t applaud when he went to see You&Jin, here are lyrics to Adjust the Love and Reset, and Hanamaru Café where Jin tells us how many songs he´s done already.
Dear tatoeba I hope this will be at least a bit enjoyable. I really loved your sign-up, so I don´t know what exactly went wrong. Thanks to my beta and those who held my hands through this
Summary: Jin wants his show to be different, Ueda thinks he has no clue about how things really work, and the rest of KAT-TUN look on and probably enjoy the show.
“Give it a month or so; the enthusiasm will wear off,” Ueda says, squeezing Kame's shoulder and effectively stopping the man from physically attacking Jin. This was the seventh attempt this week. Kame´s been just oozing with affection lately.
Jin just got the confirmation for his new show and hasn't stopped bragging ever since. That jerk has been smiling, bouncing up and down just like in his early junior years (something their manager and Kame have been asking him to at least attempt for years now) and talking about how well the preparation and song writing has been going.
Kame's mouth forms a thin line, and Nakamaru gives Ueda a grateful look. He has Koki on the case as well, but Jin just wouldn't shut up, and Kame is growing more irate with every odd tune and quirky dreamy smile Jin gives him.
"And then we have an interview and he just sits there." Kame shoots Ueda a glare and punches his shoulder just because. He can take it; he is a boxer. Ueda twitches and holds back the need to rub the spot where Kame's knuckles (and a ring or two) just formed a bruise. Kame still likes to punch a sand bag from time to time as well.
Koki asks Kame to go get a coffee with him, and Maru goes to listen to Jin in hope of him shutting up when they all come back together to talk about the new single. Junno just tilts his head and notes that Ueda looks whipped, pun intended. All in all, they are pretty well coordinated. Ueda wonders why it never shows when they are dancing.
“If you don't shut up, I won't help you with this at all,” Ueda tells Jin later that day, having him practically pinned down against his own car in the jimusho parking lot so that he doesn´t walk away and actually listens for once.
“I won't need your help,” Jin smirks and wiggles an eyebrow at him. “But you seem so eager - to help . . .” He pushes against Ueda's body.
Ueda stays unfazed. "I'm not offering either."
He lets go of Jin and heads for his own car. Nothing has really changed over all those years they spent together. Jin is a fool with big stars in his eyes, not seeing beyond his illusions, and Ueda is an even bigger fool for actually caring. At least Nakamaru says that's what he does. He is really not one to talk. Ueda rolls his eyes as he watches Jin storm out of the parking lot.
3 months until the first show
make it DIFFERENT is scribbled across a music sheet. Ueda can tell it's the one Jin's been carrying around for about a week. As far as Ueda knows, it's the first song Jin has actually come anywhere close to finishing for his show. Seeing the red ink everywhere, Ueda concludes it hasn’t been going that well. His fingers itch to pick it up and give it a poke of his own. He and Jin used to do it all the time, playing around with what the other wrote. Now, he thinks as he shoves his hands deeper into his pockets, he should ask or, more likely, he should wait to be asked. If that doesn´t happen, then he is not to poke his nose into things that are not his business.
“I guess it's his turn now,” he says to Kame when he spins and strolls away from Jin's pile of papers, scripts and interview questionnaires.
“And you can't just sit back and watch,” Kame smirks at him from behind his script.
“Don't give me that attitude. You’ve been watching him like a hawk ever since he’s learned the news. And you almost burnt a hole into my back just now; you were about ready to punch my lights out if I touched anything without his permission."
"I like watching that idiot fail." Kame shrugs his shoulders. “Watching you all torn and shit is almost as much fun, though,” he adds.
“You like watching him try,” Ueda corrects, ignoring the rest of Kame´s statement and grabbing some paper, suddenly feeling like writing music of his own. They all know better than that.
Arashi would go and celebrate an event like this in some orgy of epic proportions, Kanjani8 would go drinking, laughing loudly and telling dirty jokes all night long. NEWS would hold a very classy party (in a private booth of some karaoke bar, because Shige needs to practice), and Koyama would cry them a river. KAT-TUN just told Jin not to mess it up because it would stain their image as well. Each of them then sent a message to a friend or another because this was Jin and he was reaching out for his dreams. Celebrations come in all kind of shapes and sizes.
Nakamaru laughs lightly from the door. “He’s doing a song from Bandage, maybe even two. He’s singing Care and Wonder too, and I’m pretty sure Eternal is on the list as well.”
Kame only switches his left and his right leg, crossing them the other way around. And it is up to Ueda to raise an eyebrow.
“What? I just asked over dinner yesterday. You’re not the only one who doesn't want him to fall on his nose. Good morning, by the way.”
“You two sound so disgustingly concerned,” Kame says, forgetting to feign indifference about the topic discussed.
Maru only comes further into the room and starts collecting his things.
“Secretly, you are just happy that we have a single to get ready as well because that means you actually get to know these things. Otherwise you would just have to suck it up and finally ask for his phone number again so you can molest him that way.”
Ueda chuckles, “You still don't have it? It's been months since he changed it.”
“Whatever,” Kame mutters, and they all know the conversation is over.
“What's up,” Jin bounces into the room. He raises his chin towards Maru and Ueda in greeting and even spares Kame a look. “I’m not the last one to arrive,” he pumps his fist, and it looks more like he is powering himself on, telling himself he is in control. He then flops down on the couch and covers his eyes with his cap, planning to nap until it’s really necessary for him to participate.
“He’s still too happy for my liking,” Kame mutters.
“It throws your rhythm off, doesn´t it?” Ueda can´t bite the remark back.
“Mabushiiii,” Junno giggles from the doorway, mocking Kame's new drama before it even started.
“Thankfully, it should only get darker in the next few months,” Koki sighs, patting Junno on the shoulder as if saying good job and squeezing into the room as well. It took an hour for them to finally be all in one place.
"Love yourself," Ueda mutters as their manager comes through the door as well. The chairs are being pulled around a table, and the room starts to buzz.
If not for the single, he wouldn’t see much of them right about now either. He wonders if it’s on purpose, if this means that they actually should keep an eye on Jin for once. He knows he’s seeing too much into this. The new single, its name, Kame´s and Jin's solos―another song for Jin´s show´s playlist.
The man is still flying high in the midst of the haze of his dreams (coming true) and believes. Ueda cringes at the thought of how hard the fall could be. He catches Kame stealing a glance at Jin (he didn’t have to do a solo concert to know what it means to fall hard) and lets out a breath he didn't know he was holding when Koki pokes Kame's side playfully, bringing his attention back to the discussion and away from Jin. They definitely got better at this. At this almost member-ai, even if Koyama would probably still pull a sad face if he saw them. Knowing someone is watching out for Kame makes it easier for Ueda to concentrate on the younger man currently sitting next to him, hair in a ponytail, hands in his pockets. He sighs and rubs his temples. If only Jin didn't think he’s seen it all by now.
“Earth to Ueda,” Jin waves his hand in front of Ueda’s eyes and mock pouts when the other registers him.
“Please be a responsible adult and pay attention, we are discussing me.”
Ueda forces his eyes to focus on their manager.
“And I should be involved why?” He asks Jin and ignores the glare it earns him. It's easy to pretend disinterest.
2 months until the first show
“I don't want to hear it,” Ueda groans when Jin flops right onto his legs in their dressing room.
“There´s nothing wrong with that song,” Jin whines, and there is almost pain in his voice but only because Ueda just kicked him in his thigh (“You do not get to carelessly sit wherever you want to, be considerate.”).
“As I said, I don't want to hear it,” Ueda turns to the side, biting his lip so he doesn't give Jin a piece of his mind; on the song and the fact he had once said Ueda's help was not needed. Besides, this is something Jin should probably find out for himself.
“It's your show, your production, your presentation.”
Jin hears, "fuck off, I don't care," and huffs.
Ueda is saying, "Do it on your own terms, don't give up and have a backbone. Accept criticism but stand tall behind your vision".
Kame is in a remarkably better mood now that Jin doesn't have his head in the clouds (that much) anymore. He sends him to finally learn the lyrics to their upcoming single (“You better put out; my drama deserves your best”); still there is a weird book full of historic poems and "shit" and an energy drink on Jin' s vanity table a few days later.
“I am not going to sing about the greatness of geisha,” Jin huffs but takes the book anyway, for good laughs. Nakamaru's bottom lip is between his teeth more often, and Ueda has Koki on it; the man invites their resident almost-worry-cat for a shopping trip and a beer afterwards. Junno giggles and keeps on supplying Ueda with stupid puns about friends in need and comrades in deed.
Ueda calls Yamashita. Just in case.
6 weeks until the first show
“I want it to be different,” Jin tells his manager as they hurriedly walk down the hall. The manager burrows his eyebrow.
“Just let someone write a few songs for you.”
“It has to be me.”
“What we care about is you performing and selling out all the shows. People expect things from you. You are a Johnny´s; they expect to see that on stage.”
“I won’t be like everybody else, parading around the stage in flashy costumes and trying so hard it´s painful to watch,” Jin spits out.
“I want to see some results,” the man tells him and leaves.
“Why do you want it to be different?” Ueda practically lets Jin crash into him behind the next corner, clearly waiting for him to come, actively making a step right into his path.
“What the hell! Ueda,” Jin starts angry, but the last syllable almost dies in his throat.
Ueda is dead serious, gripping his wrist so hard that there might be bruises where each tip of his fingers digs into his skin, nails almost breaking it.
“Why?” Ueda asks again.
“I am not everyone?”
“Do you just want to stand out? Do you want to be different than Nakamaru, me or Yamashita? Do you just want to prove us all wrong? Or do you want something else? What do you want to show? What makes you so different from the rest of us? Do you have a clear vision? Because different isn´t a vision. And what do expectations of people that will come to watch mean to you?”
Jin stares at him. It´s all just a flood of questions, and he has a hard time keeping track of them, making sense and connections.
“Do you want to be different than me or than the “you” until now? Do you just want to run from your past? Does all that you´ve done until now really mean nothing? What makes you so different now?”
“Ueda. Let me go.” Jin can´t answer the questions, so he opts for trying to at least get out of there, get away from them and from Ueda´s grip. “Leave me alone!” He almost shouts, anger rising in him.
Ueda´s grip loosens, but he doesn´t let go.
“Who are you running away from; us idols you look down on, or “you” who is one of us?”
“I do not …” Jin bites his lip, he will not defend himself.
“You have no idea how hard I tried, or how it felt to stand on the stage, knowing how hard I tried. Are you capable of facing those expectations?” Ueda just had to ask one last question.
“Leave me already. You have been onto me ever since you found out. I don´t need you or your guidance.” Jin finally actively fights Ueda, jerking his arm and shaking those fingers off. They were cold, burnt his skin.
4 weeks until the concert
“Let´s make a song together.”
Ryo looks at him as if he grew a second head.
“Me?”
“Yeah.”
“Didn´t you say they would all be in English?”
“They will be.”
“Jin, are you going to actually tell me what is going on?”
“I need another tune. I need more than one, but I think I need someone else to work with for a change. You play guitar, help me out.”
They are sitting in a bar. Pi is there too, and they´ve been telling him all they have learned when they were on their own in the past. Not that Jin asked; he should listen anyway. Pi knows Jin hasn’t got as much done as he would like to. And it´s hard to produce a show when you don´t have the essentials, when you don´t have the beats for the dancers, the theme for the lights, the atmosphere for the stage.
“Sure, any ideas on what you are going to sing about?” Ryo finally says, casting a look at Pi. He knows Ueda called him few weeks back. He doesn´t know much more than that, but Yamapi has been asking about the concert ever since. He has no clue what Ueda asked for and what he knew, but Yamapi is worried, and if Jin still needs songs, there might be a reason to be.
Jin looks around the bar and watches the girl that’s approaching them. Pi nodded approvingly only a second ago, but as she comes closer, trying so hard, her come hither expression on, Jin just laughs and nods towards her.
“I want to have some fun,” he tells Ryo.
“Suddenly, I don’t want to know,” Ryo smacks him and asks for another round of beers. “I’m not doing this for free,” he announces as they clang their glasses, sealing the deal.
“I wasn´t expecting you to. What about coming by and singing it with me at the concert?”
Yamapi laughs and Jin receives a kick into the shin.
“You want it to be in English!” Ryo probably tries to sound angry, but pouting, he doesn´t look intimidating at all.
“It´s a deal then, Ryo-chan,” Jin suddenly singsongs, visibly less tense and full of energy.
15 days until the first show
“Five songs?”
Jin shuts the door he has just opened. The knocking on it doesn´t stop.
“Ueda, so good to see you,” he says when he opens it again, eyes looking somewhere over and behind the man, shoulders hanging down, one feet playing with the shoes scattered in his entrance.
“Five fucking songs?” Ueda storms in, throws a big traveling bag into the apartment, kicks off his shoes and heads to the kitchen. “I brought take out.”
“What on earth compelled you to tell the truth, and how the hell do you rehearse when you are missing chunks of your playlist?”
“It´s not that bad.” Jin glares at him.
They have long gotten over their last brawl. There have been worse in the past and they’re older now. Jin knows more than ever before that Ueda cares much more than he shows. And it´s because they trust each other that they shout. Most of the time. It just came as a shock the last time because it hadn´t happen for a long time, not with violence and Ueda being so insistent. They’d coexisted peacefully for what now seems like eternity.
In the past, Ueda crashing in his apartment wouldn´t be such an unexpected event. They used to interact on occasions, even in their free time. Jin realizes there is a difference between just living lives alongside each other and sitting down, writing songs and then arguing who the song belongs to and how it should end.
“Maybe we should just fight,” Jin says out loud, grabbing the take-out box Ueda was clearly reaching for and digging in.
“You would end up in the hospital if we fought with as much energy as we used to. I’m much stronger now.”
“I’m not that weak either.”
“If you want to, we can go and spar. But in a gym, with gloves and protection and under supervision.”
“You have Kame for that”
Ueda just rolls his eyes. “He is playing a pretty boy now; he can´t afford another broken nose.”
Jin laughs. “I think it would fit the script nicely. Sunako is one fierce woman.”
“I’m staying until you have enough songs to start the show with,” Ueda says next.
“Uchi texted Ryo. Apparently, there actually will be a kiss scene. Do you think it will be just another chuu in the sunset?”
Jin stuffs his mouth full and looks at Ueda. The silence can be justified by them eating. The battle that their eyes lead in the meantime has reasons that are unspoken anyway.
“Where´s your guitar?” Jin asks when they’re done and Ueda goes to fetch his bag.
“I’m not the one who needs to compose.”
Jin has never asked him, and he is not planning to. He wishes Ueda would just do it though, would just grab a guitar and start strumming it. But then, it might not be that easy to go back to the old ways.
“You’re sleeping on the couch. I don´t have any extra futon here.”
“Just give me a blanket, will you?”
Jin goes and brings the warmest one he has. He knows it can get pretty cold in this room during the night. He feels a bit lighter, more confident all of a sudden. Good food can do miracles.
When he returns, Ueda is sitting on Jin´s couch, hugging his knees, chin propped on his folded limbs, and he’s staring at the shelves in front of him. A strand of hair falls into his eyes and he tries to blow it away. It’s funny how his lips quirk, the bottom one almost swallowing the rest of his mouth and looking impossibly big as he tries to direct the air in the right direction. Jin´s stomach twists a little. Maybe he has eaten a bit too much.
“Here,” he says, throwing the blanket on the couch and reaching out to swipe the lock of hair away before he can change his mind. Ueda gives him another look he can´t read, but the corners of his eyes turn up. Jin´s fingers itch when he pulls them away, and he swipes his palms across his thighs.
“All the new songs are in English.”
“So I´ve heard.”
“They’re club songs, fast beat and some rap.”
“I think you do melody just as well.” Ueda tilts his head.
Jin finds himself nodding. “I should go.” he points to the corner where his PC and all the recording equipment are.
“Okay.” Ueda springs to his feet. “I´ll just go to sleep. I have an early morning.”
Before Jin even moves, Ueda has changed into some sweats and a t-shirt and is heading to the bathroom, “to wash his teeth and stuff”.
Jin has to take a deep breath before he can think of anything else than Ueda, Ueda sleeping on his couch, Ueda showering in his bathroom, occupying his kitchen, infecting everything with his light fragrance (too good and too addictive, making Jin want more of it), Ueda flipping his hair, Ueda running around shirtless (alright he’s never done that for as long as Jin remembers), Ueda´s glances, Ueda´s confidence in what and how he is now, Ueda´s secrecy, Ueda not telling him what he thinks about his songs … Ueda back from the bathroom, standing in front of him and staring him down, again.
“If this is your working tempo at home, I think you might have a problem,” Ueda says.
13 days until the first show
“So how’s married life?” Koki asks when they meet on their way to a promo shooting for their new single.
“Ueda looks hot in his new pink apron,” Jin says dryly.
“That bad?”
Jin shrugs his shoulders. “I’d like to know why he’s even there. It´s not like he’s helping me.”
Everyone else is already in the dressing room, getting ready, when they arrive.
“I hear you own a pink apron and cook with only that and nothing else on,” Kame greets him.
Koki bursts out laughing, and Ueda just looks on through the mirror.
“And I hear you still kiss like a toddler,” Jin smirk back at Kame.
“At least I don´t eat people´s faces.”
“Maybe you could show us, and we’ll tell you who is better,” Junno says. He’s always thought a fair competition is the way to settle a dispute about one´s physical abilities, especially if they’re measurable.
“I’m kissing Nakamaru,” Jin claims and is already advancing upon his skinny bandmate.
“No way in hell.” The other man jumps from his chair.
“Ueda, I think I can deal with you,” Kame turns around.
“Both of you sit down and get your make up done,” Ueda turns around and attempts to glare them down. Jin is chasing Maru around the room, and Koki just set off to help him catch him. Kame blows Ueda a kiss and goes back to his hair products.
Maru is caught, and a big smooch is placed on his cheek.
“Aren’t you happy Akanishi Jin has kissed you?” Jin grins at him.
Somehow, Ueda realizes, all six of them are laughing or giggling or at least smothering their chuckles into their sleeves (in Kame´s case). Jin wears his hair up and is quite talkative during the interview segment this time. He looks good like this.
7 days until the first show
“Only one more,” Jin flops down next to Ueda, who’s reading some book, sitting cross-legged on his couch, his bed, his living space for the last week or so.
“Good. I’m sick of playing you room service, delivery boy and cleaning lady.”
“Well you’re a lousy live-in maid anyway.”
“Shut up,” Ueda pokes him in the side with his bare foot, and Jin dodges, falling to the side.
Ueda is suddenly leaning over him, hair in the face again, mischief in his eyes, crooked smile on his lips. He’s dangerously close. Jin can feel his body shift as he leans in even more. His head spins. Then Ueda attacks his collarbones, and Jin comes back from that internal rollercoaster to his own screeching and then a painful fall from the couch.
He looks up at Ueda in mild bewilderment.
Ueda´s been having these moments where he would totally forget to watch his poised self, and it always catches Jin off guard. His collarbone attacks, offhand funny comments about events discussed on TV, hands on Jin´s shoulders―leaning down to see his most recent scribbles of lyrics or notes. And then there’s the fact that he’s been cleaning after both of them, went groceries shopping and tried not to be in the way, disappearing when he knew Ryo was coming over to compose with him. There were the times he just made him tea and sat next to him after his manager had come down on him because of the progress of the songs or because of his production skills. There were moments when Jin saw him clutching his fists when he was telling him about how they wouldn´t let him do this or that. And there were hot baths getting ready for him immediately when Ueda had woken up late at night to him stumbling through the door after long meetings with staff and even longer choreography practices.
“Jin?” Ueda says softly, hand outstretched to help him up, “I´m sorry. Did you hit yourself somewhere?”
Jin just pulls at Ueda´s hand, and Ueda is falling down to the floor as well, elbow catching onto Jin´s side.
“What the hell,” he huffs. Jin stretches out on the floor, studying his ceiling.
“Thanks.” He should say it at some point.
“I’m not going to see the show,” Ueda voices in return.
“I didn´t go to yours either.”
He has no clue that Ueda´s hand closes into a fist; he can´t possibly know that, maybe, what Ueda wants in return is to finally be asked ―asked to go.
“You need one more song, Jin.”
“What if no one likes it?”
“You could write a Japanese one for a change,” Ueda suggests.
“No.” Jin twitches.
“Then you should man up and stand behind what you decided to do, face the consequences.”
“They will love it, Jin. They love you, and you are a good singer, your songs are pretty nice, you will be alright,” Jin tries to mimic Ueda´s voice.
“I have no clue how your new songs are, they’re all in English.”
“You know some English.”
Ueda stays silent. “You’re not hurt or anything; your back is ok?” He asks in the end.
“That couch is not that high up.”
“Ok then, I´m going to take a shower.” Ueda stands up and offers his hand again.
“Do you really want to risk it?” Jin laughs, already taking it.
“Do you?” Ueda asks back, taking hold of the hand, squeezing it hard to remind Jin of his strength. The younger man attempts a light laughter and gets up.
“Can I come with you?” he shouts after Ueda playfully.
The man actually turns around and measures him with one quick look, his face suddenly serious, eyes dark. “Of course,” the voice is low and deep, “. . . not.”
Jin´s stomach makes a summersault. Not at the promise, but at the rejection. Did he actually want to . . .
Ueda smirks a little and leaves Jin to experience another merry-go-round ride in his own head.
Jin can´t sleep that night, and he knows he’s doubting himself again, the playlist―the fast English songs and small peeks of his past in the form of old hits―playing in his head again and again. How will people react, will he let them down? Will he live up to their expectations? Is he pushing it too much? It´s not Johnny, the management or the press he’s worried about. But he wants to prove himself; he wants to show off in front of his fans, friends, the world, Ueda. Stupid Ueda who has changed his fucking sheets when doing laundry, and now he can feel him in this room as well.
“I´ve had enough,” Ueda is suddenly standing in the door. “Your bed screeches when you move this much. And that couch is more uncomfortable every night I have to spend here.”
“Sorry.”
Jin´s eyes widen in the dark as he hears the sound of Ueda´s bare (they’re always bare, screw it) feet on his floor.
“Share for the night,” Ueda says. Suddenly he is lying next to Jin, wrapping himself into the blanket he brought. “Now calm down and sleep. You can handle this. It´s just one more song and then I’m out of here.”
Jin wants to jump out of the bed instead. It feels like Ueda is right next to him, under his own blanket, instead of there being two thick covers in between them. It feels like they’re touching, hairs on his legs standing up, charged with electricity, as if it was Ueda´s own hair and skin just millimeters away. There is the entire bed in between them. Eventually, Ueda´s breathing evens, and he kicks off his blanket pretty soon, the temperature in this room being higher than where he´s been sleeping the past eight nights. One hand is thrown into the middle of the bed, head turned towards Jin, and Jin’s really getting up and moving onto the couch. But he still falls asleep only when the sun is almost up already.
“I came to find out which one of you really wears that pink apron,” Ryo says, letting himself into the apartment (it’s much more convenient to know where the spare key is), but he realizes that no one is listening. He finds Jin sleeping on the sofa and nudges him with his guitar.
“Hey, get up, you lazy ass. We’re supposed to try and have another go at this last song of yours.”
Jin opens his left eye. “Go away.”
“Idiot,” Ryo sits down on the armrest by Jin´s head. “Why are you sleeping in the living room? Where is Ueda?”
Jin just stares.
“Don´t tell me you´ve been sleeping on the couch all this time.” Ryo gets a bit protective, ready to give Jin’s self proclaimed savior a piece of his mind.
Jin’s suddenly wide awake and pulling at Ryo´s hand. “Calm down and don´t shout in here; it´s too early.”
“It´s almost lunch time! Now spill it.”
“I don´t own a pink apron.”
Ryo bursts out laughing. “Not about that. Why are you on the couch?”
“Oh that,” Jin ruffles his hair and lets out a long heave of air.
“Or maybe you should go and brush your teeth first.” Ryo wrinkles his nose.
Jin shoves him off the couch and laughs at Ryo catching himself and balancing.
“Ueda came to my bed last night,” he ends up saying.
“And?” Jin really wishes the guy would let it go.
“And I left him there and went to sleep on the couch.”
“Did he kick you out?”
“God, no, will you drop it already?”
“Okay, okay,” Ryo lifts his hands in defense and searches Jin´s sleepy eyes. “Just that. When Ueda Tatsuya willingly climbs into your bed, you do not run. You stay in there and enjoy the ride,” he says almost as if lecturing.
“And what exactly do you know about that, Nishikido-kun?” Ueda is really annoying with this appearing in doorways when no one’s asked him to.
“You work in the world of gossip,” Ryo tells him unfazed. Ueda smirks and goes off to the bathroom.
Jin is getting up and heading for the kitchen, and Ryo realizes he is not to ask any more questions.
“I’ll leave you to it.” Ueda comes back dressed and grabs a piece of bread and a water bottle. “I hope you get some work done.”
“Of course we will,” Ryo replies, looking smug.
Jin just nods and slips into the bathroom, avoiding Ueda’s questioning look as they pass each other.
Ueda’s almost out of the door, Ryo already making himself comfortable on the couch. “Do you know what Jin is singing about in your song?” He asks Ryo.
“Unfortunately, yes.” Ryo tells him, though he doesn´t look that sorry.
Ueda just leaves and doesn’t come back until evening when Ryo´s already gone.
“Ueda,” Jin whispers into his dark living room.
He can´t sleep. He’s gotten up three times, determined to change his sheets because they’re just unbearable now, Ueda´s scent on his pillow three times stronger than before. As far as he can tell, Ueda isn´t asleep either. They haven´t really talked all day long, and Jin is glad because he doesn´t know what he would have said. But this dead quiet is worse.
On the other hand, since when does he want to lead conversations with Ueda? Conversations about feelings, hurt feelings. Since when does he care what Ueda would think if he changed his own sheets? Why does it matter that it can affect the other, and since when is Ueda affected by such a stupid thing as Jin changing his sheets only two nights after he´d done the same for him.
“What is it?”
Jin doesn´t know how much time has passed since he opened the door because he just couldn´t handle sensing Ueda on the other side of the wall. He couldn´t keep his mind off Ueda breathing, not simply existing, but also tossing around, and sighing, and getting up, and walking around the room, and pausing abruptly and going back to the couch eventually.
“Did you actually fall asleep standing up?” Ueda asks mockingly, the light tone that usually echoes underneath all those layers of disdain missing.
Jin straightens his shoulders and walks to the couch. His underwear don´t have pockets, and he has no clue what to do with his hands. One of them ends up clutching to his own shirt and the other one searches for Ueda in the dark. He grabs a piece of the other man´s shirt and just pulls him up.
“Akanishi . . .” It´s angry, it´s not his given name.
“Let´s go to bed,” Jin says.
“No,” Ueda refuses, stops moving.
“Why can´t you just . . .”
“Go back to bed, Jin.”
“Come with me,” Jin raises his voice.
It´s pitch black out here, and he can´t see Ueda’s expression at all. He is actually glad for it because if those eyes were piercing through him as they usually were, then he’d run not only from his own bed, but from his own apartment.
“Stop fighting me for a moment and just do it,” he adds.
Ueda suddenly moves to the side, getting rid of Jin´s hand that was still clutching his t-shirt. Jin feels the rush of air on his skin as Ueda moves past him. When he makes a small step towards his own bedroom, he ends up yelping. A hand on his wrist out of nowhere, Ueda has come back for him, and he is pulling him towards his own bedroom.
He is tossed down onto his own bed, and Ueda climbs over him. Jin had stopped breathing when Ueda´s fingers wrapped around his wrist, reminding him of their argument. Now, with Ueda leaning over him, his brain is slowly shutting down, no air and no logic left to function.
“Don´t you dare go and sleep on that couch. I won´t be responsible for you being unable to move before the concerts even start.”
Ueda climbs down and curls into a small ball as far away from Jin as possible. It´s clearly on purpose this time, with his back turned to Jin and his knees almost underneath his chin.
“Sleep,” he whispers in a low voice.
Jin, still catching his breath, wants to touch him, pull at his shirt again, uncurl him and make him face him, wants to feel his breath on his neck this time and maybe his legs close to his own; he wants to share the blanket. He covers himself and sets to stare at Ueda´s back. When he thinks the other is asleep, his hand pulls at Ueda´s shirt, and he crumbles it in his fist, doesn´t let it go. Otherwise Ueda could fall down any minute now, lying so dangerously close to the edge.
Jin wakes up to some weird, although not unpleasant, smell practically attacking his nostrils. Food, or so he thinks. He gets up and drags his feet into the kitchen.
“This is the second attempt. But what you can smell is the first one. This one will be better,” Ueda tells him, spatula in hand, pink apron around his waist.
Jin´s foot catches on the table, and he stumbles, curses and pinches Ueda. He was going to pinch himself because he can see Ueda in a pink apron, but his foot is clearly hurting, so he can´t think of anything better to do.
“What the hell,” Ueda lashes out.
Jin blinks, but the pink apron (and the spatula for that matter) is still there.
“I think I just lost my mind,” Jin admits.
“Shut up and sit down; the food is ready.” Ueda is kind of smiling at him, and Jin is more and more ready to believe his own previous statement.
“What is it?” Jin sounds a little hysterical.
“English breakfast.” Ueda´s voice is only a little uncertain. He opens the window a little more and sits across the table from Jin.
“Eat.”
“Where did you get that?” Jin gets out, chin pointing towards Ueda´s attire, as he pokes the food experimentally.
“I tasted it, it is edible,” Ueda says, annoyed.
“Fine, fine. Look, I see an egg,” Jin takes a bite and must agree; it is edible and tastes kind of good.
“You have to finish that last song,” Ueda tells him, leaning back onto his chair. Jin can´t contain himself and reaches for the pink apron, trying to find out if it is really there.
“Do you have some grabbing complex or something?” Ueda pulls at the apron to get it away from Jin.
The younger man looks down on his food, hiding the minor freak out. Does Ueda know about his hand, was he still holding him when Ueda woke up? He decides to change the topic.
“Stop telling me to finish that song; you sound like my manager. Results, results, results. I want it to be good.”
“You only have five more days left! And results are all I care about, it´s not like I would know what the song is about,” Ueda shoots back.
“Stop it, will you? You do know some English, but you don´t even try to understand them. Why can´t you just leave it be, or leave me be when you’re in such a hurry to leave?”
“Fine,” Ueda stands up. He appears too cold, too unfazed. Jin’s furious, Ueda pushes him some more. “It´s not like I’m of any use to you. You’re just toying around with some idiotic club songs about short people and partying hard.”
“Don´t look down on my songs and my hard work,” Jin is standing up as well.
“I don´t care enough about them to look down on them. They are just a mess of random English words.” Ueda clenches his fists.
“What do you know? You don’t even try and listen to them properly.” Jin is kind of repeating himself.
“You never wanted my opinion anyway.”
Ueda takes off the stupid pink apron and throws it on the floor. He grabs his phone from the counter.
“I’m done here. You´ll live one song short off the quota. It´s not like people will ever know. They´ll be surprised you have more than five of them.”
Jin goes after him and actually jostles him a little when Ueda picks up his travel bag and heads for the door. The man doesn´t seem to think that violence will solve this particular fight of theirs.
“Finally there will be peace in here, no nagging and controlling my every move. Maybe my muse will finally come back.”
Ueda doesn´t really loose his balance, only his next step is a bit longer and sharper than all the others. He pulls his shoes on.
“You have a sink full of dishes,” he says from the door, “next time you kick someone out of your flat, think about the consequences first.”
Jin glares at him. “I don´t need your coded advice or threats,” he says and shuts the door on Ueda.
>>PART 2>>