FIC FOR RYOGRANDE
For: ryogrande
From: sashjun
Title: Step by Step
Pairings/Characters: Nakamaru/Ueda
Rating:NC-17
Warnings: feelings
Notes: Hi there ♥ I really hope you like this. I also hope there isn’t too much feelings in this for you, but they just wouldn’t go away. 6558 words. Thank you to my cheerleader and to my beta ♥
Summary: Nakamaru likes Ueda. And Kame says Ueda should do something about it.
Of course Ueda doesn’t notice it. Of course it’s Kame who has to tell him.
“Nakamaru likes you. Do something about it.”
Ueda stops petting his dog and actually focuses on Kame.
“Like what?” he asks, when Kame doesn’t say anything else, clearly enjoying both the dramatic silence and his new nail polish.
“Talk to him.”
Ueda raises an eyebrow. Kame can’t be serious.
“Okay, then write a song for him.”
Ueda gets up, takes away Kame’s nail polish and kicks him out of his apartment.
“You can finish your big toes in your own house.” Ueda has lost all hope of Kame growing out of colorful toes, but the coral was a bit too much, really.
~
It’s a mystery how Ueda could’ve not noticed. Now that he knows, it’s crushing into him like a bus speeding downhill with broken breaks. Nakamaru is. The way he looks at Ueda sometimes; at his knuckles, at his lips, just at him when Ueda walks in, jeans and a white shirt and messy, messy hair. The way he indulges Ueda, goes along with his stupid ideas and pays for him every single time they go out. It would be so easy to abuse, to just play it right, but Ueda thinks Nakamaru’s been a good friend, and he actually feels bad now that he knows. It was much easier to be selfish when he was oblivious.
Ueda tries to write a song for Nakamaru. Or just about Nakamaru. Ueda doesn’t like Nakamaru like that. He doesn’t love him, and it just doesn’t work.
So Ueda decides to talk to Nakamaru. Part of him still doesn’t want to do it, mostly just because Kame told him to and he doesn’t like to listen.
~
Still, Ueda waits behind one night and steps into Nakamaru’s path as the other is leaving the already empty dressing room.
“For how long?” Ueda asks.
Nakamaru blinks. “What?”
“You like me. For how long?” Ueda repeats, crossing his hands in front of his chest like he is the one afraid of what will come next.
“You know?” Nakamaru gets pale, and his eyes get comically big. He takes a step back.
“Yeah.” Ueda feels it wouldn’t be fair to Nakamaru to tell him it took Kame for Ueda to realize. He deserves better.
“You’ve noticed,” Nakamaru says, and it sounds a bit dreamy.
Ueda doesn’t want to give him hope. “Kame told me.” He backpedals. It’s for the best.
“Kame knows?” Nakamaru sounds both alarmed and disappointed.
“Kame knows everything. He probably knows when all of us are going to die, and he isn’t telling only because we’d call him a freak.”
“You mean more often than we do,” Nakamaru adds, and he actually laughs. It was a stupid joke, but Nakamaru laughs.
And Ueda knows he has it bad. He stays quiet and just looks at Nakamaru, waiting for him to collect himself. Nakamaru cracks the knuckles on his long fingers and looks up at Ueda.
“It’s been a while,” he says at last.
Ueda has to end this. “I like girls.” Now. That thing with Nishikido made Ueda feel like he’s had his share of manly love to last him a life time.
Nakamaru looks at him like he wants to say something. He probably knows Ueda’s not saying the whole truth. Ueda knows he’s been watching.
“I know,” Nakamaru says. “I still…”
Ueda doesn’t really want to make him talk about it. This really was a stupid idea. “Okay then,” he says.
For some reason it feels like he has just given Nakamaru some kind of leave to continue. He wanted to tell him to give up. But Nakamaru is looking at him, guarded and tense, biting his lips and curling his fingers together.
“I won’t abuse it,” Ueda says into the silence. “I’ll start paying for my dinners.” It’s stupid really. But somehow it seems like Nakamaru gets it. Let’s not get awkward.
“Don’t tell Kame I know you know,” he says and winks. “But maybe now I’ll abuse it.”
Nakamaru is incapable of abusing anything. He’s an idiot, and the last thing Ueda can see him doing is emotionally blackmailing Ueda into buying him dinner. Ueda knows that is still his forte.
~
Of course it gets awkward. Nakamaru can be a master of awkward, and Ueda isn’t really one for resolving such moods. And they have Junno for a bandmate, Junno who asks Ueda if he is jealous when Ueda mentions he heard them on their radio show when coming home the other night. Then Junno winks. Ueda’s only mentioned it in the effort to help the situation. Instead Nakamaru gives him this look, and then Kame gives him that look, and then Koki just plainly asks what the hell is going on.
“Nothing,” Ueda harrumphs, and sets out for lunch. He has no clue where his wallet is.
“Nakamaru, come pay for my lunch,” he says. Fuck. He pouts at the small black spot on the white wall behind Nakamaru’s left ear.
Nakamaru laughs. It’s still awkward, but oh man Nakamaru is really deep down in this because he is laughing, wrinkles around his eyes getting deeper from it, and he is willingly pulling out his wallet and subjecting himself to more completely uncomfortable time spent with Ueda.
“It’s only lunch,” he says to Ueda as they are standing in the elevator, very far away from each other and looking at their feet.
“You better learn some tricks from me if you are to start using me now,” Ueda says as they get out onto the street.
“I’m not really out for pity. And who knows, they say loves goes through the stomach.” Nakamaru wraps his scarf around Ueda because there’s a chance someone recognizes him.
Ueda forgets to swat his hand away.
“That’s not even funny.” he says bitterly.
“Don’t say that. I practiced it in front of a mirror for when you made me pay for food next time,” Nakamaru says seriously, choosing their bentos because he knows what Ueda wants maybe better than Ueda himself.
Ueda thinks he was so much better off when he was in his early twenties and living obliviously in his very own and very blond world.
Nakamaru’s laughing again. This time there is no strain in it though. Ueda pouts, and he really does not care that it looks childish.
“Honestly, if you keep being so flustered around me, I will start abusing it.”
“It’s not me. You’re supposed to be the flustered one.” Ueda points a finger at Nakamaru.
“Actually, right now I’m kind of strangely glad you know. It’s been so long. I’m used to being flustered around you. It’s a permanent state of alert for me. I feel a bit vindicated that I’m not the only one suffering.”
Ueda can’t even look Nakamaru in the eye after that. He also thinks Kame only really told him to torture him.
“Whatever,” he just says, grabs the bento and heads back to practice first.
~
Sometimes, Ueda almost forgets Nakamaru is in love with him. After all, Nakamaru is still his friend, someone who knows him too well and who is this constant presence in his life even when they don’t see each other every day. And clearly he doesn’t deserve any consideration if he can tease Ueda about it.
They fall back on most of their routines, talking, texting, sometimes going out to eat together, and Ueda even thinks Kame might have been annoyingly right when he made him talk to Nakamaru.
That is until Nakamaru does another of these things he just does. Until he is there for Ueda when Ueda needs a silent drink in the middle of the night when he knows Nakamaru is normally deep asleep. Until Nakamaru sends flowers to Ueda’s former co-star when the man is on some show in Ueda’s name because Ueda would never think of that and it’s the right thing to do in this industry. Until Nakamaru looks down to the floor and keeps his distance the day Ueda comments their new assistant is pretty and has very nice legs. Until Ueda’s computer breaks down, and Nakamaru rushes to his place to fix it the next morning, even if it’s his only free day in about four months, what with his drama and regular show duties.
~
Ueda watches Nakamaru as he murmurs something underneath his breath trying to save Ueda’s files, probably cursing Ueda himself for whatever he did or didn’t do. He looks pretty tired, a bit haggard, his shirt crumpled, hair a bit overgrown for his current style and his face hasn’t been shaven, something Ueda remembers happening three times; when they took Taguchi to the hospital with his knee, after Jin left the first time, and when Going! hit shelves and they all got drunk together in some hotel room. It kind of suits him. But Ueda knows Nakamaru well enough to guess that he’s probably quite uncomfortable.
“What were your plans for today anyway?” he asks.
“Nothing particular.” Nakamaru doesn’t even lift his eyes from Ueda’s laptop. Ueda leaves him to it and goes to search though his toiletries.
He comes back just in time to see Nakamaru look up and point an accusing finger at him.
“Ueda Tatsuya, if I’m working my ass off here only to save your gay porn, you are so dead,” he says, and his ears are actually red.
Just great. “You’re not. You’re saving my songs, okay? The compositions I had there. But if you save the porn, that’s cool too. It’s pretty good; you could copy some if you wanted.” He plays it cool. Whatever, it’s just five gigabytes of it. And it really is good. Nishikido is still useful for some things.
Nakamaru keeps looking at him, so Ueda shakes his head to stop his inner monologue and focuses on Nakamaru’s now completely flushed face and eyes uncertainly swimming in his head.
“So does this mean you’re done?”
“Yeah,” Nakamaru says feebly.
“Good. Here’s a towel and a clean t-shirt, and I left you some things in the bathroom. I feel like you could use a cleanup. Then we’ll go for lunch.”
Nakamaru opens his mouth to say something, but Ueda lifts his hand to stop him. “I’m paying.”
“That’s not what I was going to… You are?” Nakamaru startles.
“Yes.”
“That t-shirt is argyle.” Nakamaru points out.
“Yeah. It’s the pajama top from the set you gave me. But I figured it’s better than anything else I could give you.”
Nakamaru is still giving him this strange look, but he grabs the t-shirt and shuts himself in the bathroom. Ueda hears the shower running and he has to wonder just when Nakamaru’s filming ended last night.
~
They go out for lunch, and Ueda lets Nakamaru pick a place. It’s comfortable. Nakamaru doesn’t talk much, but Ueda isn’t in a mood for much conversation either so it works out just fine. After the lunch, Ueda drags Nakamaru into a music shop to look at some new guitar strings and the sun is out so they have ice-cream even if it’s still too cold for them to be eating it out. Nakamaru insists they go into a pet shop next-he needs to run an errand there he had planned for that day. They spend entirely too much time walking among the animal cages. In the end, they eat at a ramen stand and head for a convenience store to buy some beer.
~
Beers in hand and sinking deep into Ueda’s couch, they are soon watching some documentary Ueda is not interested in at all. Yet he can tell Nakamaru is pretty tired but wants to hang out, and he did fix Ueda’s computer, so it’s only fair they do things his way this time around.
“I should go,” Nakamaru says wearily when the show is over. Ueda nods.
“Thanks for fixing that damn laptop,” Ueda says. He’s not promising that he won’t break it again. That would be lying.
“Thanks for…” Nakamaru stops mid-sentence, looks to the side at Ueda and doesn’t finish talking. He pushes himself up and starts collecting his things.
Sometimes, Ueda almost forgets that Nakamaru is in love with him. Today, he remembers too well. He scrambles up and towards his door, hoping to lock it behind Nakamaru real soon.
Nakamaru steps around Ueda and puts his shoes on. He fidgets and clears his throat. Ueda doesn’t want to even start guessing what goes on in Nakamaru’s head-what he might want to say.
“I know it’s not such a big deal,” Nakamaru says at last.
“What isn’t?”
Because being in love with your bandmate and a good friend is a pretty big thing. So big that they are not going to talk about it ever again if Ueda can help it.
“Fixing your laptop,” Nakamaru says. Ueda notes the lack of ridicule in his voice. “What I mean is that I know I’m out of line to ask this. Today or any other day. But today it felt like. Just. It was nice-to spend day with you like this. And I was wondering if I could,” Nakamaru bites his bottom lip, and somehow Ueda notices-not that he was looking at his lips or anything-and please no, don’t let that be a clue about what Nakamaru is asking,”… if I could just kiss you. Just once. And I will never mention it again. I promise. We’ll act like it never happened. You can forget about it right away…”
But Nakamaru won’t just forget it right away. “Yuichi.” Ueda takes a deep breath. This is so wrong. But it looks like Nakamaru might not be done pleading for this crazy thing, and Ueda doesn’t want to hear him say-
“Please?” Nakamaru is looking straight at Ueda when he says it.
Fuck. Ueda’s hands close into fists for just a second but then he’s using his right hand to grab Nakamaru’s silly pajama top and bring him close. If Nakamaru is surprised, he gets over it by the time their noses bump, and then he’s leaning his head to the side just a little and their lips fit together.
Ueda’s breath stops then. Next second he can feel Nakamaru shiver a little where his knuckles brush against Nakamaru’s chest, and that has Ueda gasping for air. Only Nakamaru swallows his gasp, and there’s a tongue in his mouth, and Ueda is pushing against it with his own, and instead of a quick end, the kiss becomes deeper. Both of Nakamaru’s hands come to rest on Ueda’s hips as Ueda leans back against the wall and lets Nakamaru kiss him, deep and hard and almost methodical in how he tastes all of Ueda, until Ueda’s toes curl and his insides are all twisted, heart pounding in his ears. Ueda more feels than hears himself gasp again. It makes Nakamaru pull back, fast and in panic. Right away, he is stumbling out the door, mumbling sorry then disappearing before Ueda’s knees stop shaking.
Well, that’s just lovely.
Ueda grabs for the door and shuts it loudly, then slides down against them. He can still feel Nakamaru’s lips against his own, full and soft, tasting of bitter beer and so much want.
Ueda liked the kiss. But it just could be that Nakamaru is a really good kisser. But Ueda wants to do it again. And that is a problem.
~
Ueda lies on his bed wide awake. He needs to come up with a solution, strategy, his own face to use when he meets Nakamaru tomorrow. At first he figures he could just get up, drive to Nakamaru’s place, kiss him again and see where it leads them. Maybe it’s just the frustration that built up between them lately, or at least on Ueda’s side, and it will go away if they just…
Nakamaru likes Ueda, and Ueda can’t just go and have sex with him. Nakamaru really does deserve better.
To just forget the kiss right away as Nakamaru suggested is not an option.
To talk about it isn’t either. Look where it got Ueda-talking about emotions.
Ueda is not writing a song about Nakamaru.
Maybe someone else could find another alternative. Ueda grabs for his phone, but if he ever had a love problem, it was always Nakamaru he’d go to. Ueda’s head hurts as he realizes how many times he’s done that; last time it happened like three months ago when he had this stupid crush, and why didn’t Nakamaru just hang up on him?
Koki would probably tell him to embrace the love. Junno would take him to a strip show to get his mind off things, and Kame is not an option. Because Kame is to blame here.
The phone rings in Ueda’s hand, and Ueda almost has a heart attack as he drops it between his sheets. He searches for it, but seeing the caller ID he instantly wishes it turned to ashes right here. He picks up.
“Yuichi.”
“I figured you’d be up,” Nakamaru says. Ueda wonders if he too is lying on his bed. If his heart is beating as fast as Ueda’s suddenly is.
“You should sleep though,” Ueda says, remembering how tired Nakamaru looked.
Silence follows, and it makes Ueda realize he cares about how much rest Nakamaru gets. Well that’s okay; they’re good friends. Only that normally he really wouldn’t even think about it.
“It’s just my normal insomnia,” Ueda says.
“We should go on another date,” Nakamaru says bluntly.
“We’ve never been on a date,” Ueda points out. No. They’re not going on a date. Ueda licks his lips.
“Today felt like one.”
“You were just imagining it.”
“Tatsuya.”
“Yuichi.”
“You kissed back.”
“You asked me to,” Ueda says, and it sounds just as accusatory as he means it. He never agreed to Nakamaru’s tongue in his mouth stealing all of his sanity. Nakamaru was cheating.
“I asked you if I could kiss you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” Not with you for sure.
Ueda hears Nakamaru sigh dejectedly. Ueda pretends his heart doesn’t break a little. It feels nothing like pity.
“I’m hanging up,” Nakamaru says then.
“Uhm.”
The line goes dead. Ueda’s room feels suffocating. For the first time in a really long time, Ueda feels like having a cigarette. He has none stacked anymore though.
He’s not calling Jin either. He might be married, but he gives worse relationship advice than Koki’s little brother.
~
Nakamaru solves the initial problem by simply not talking or even looking at Ueda unless he has to. It’s a busy day, and the good part about the KAT-TUN is that they really do not have to share their secrets during lunch breaks every day. So Ueda focus on not searching for Nakamaru in the room and is doing well until the moment they meet in the bathroom, looking at each other through the mirror.
It’s not like Ueda followed Nakamaru here; it’s a pure coincidence. Okay, so maybe Ueda saw him coming this way, but he was planning the visit for himself anyway. Nakamaru purses his lips and runs his long fingers through his hair. The next minute, Ueda is pressing his back into the bathroom sink, kissing him, full of teeth and tongue and trying to define what it is exactly that he feels.
He has no clue what he feels. What this is. Or where it came from.
Until Nakamaru pushes him away and looks at him, hurt and serious.
“Don’t do this unless you mean it.”
It’s not just physical. Ueda thinks he knows it’s not just physical. He would never.
Nakamaru is gone. Ueda leans against the sink, washing his face. If it’s not just physical, then what is it?
~
“Nakamaru thinks it’s just physical,” Kame tells Ueda, inspecting the newest addition to Ueda’s manga collection over his huge glasses.
Ueda already knew that. That’s not why he let Kame inside. He better do his magic soon.
“I’m not taking him to Disneyland just to prove it’s not.”
“It’s not?” Kame asks, and he sounds a little surprised. Ueda can’t figure out if he’s faking it or not. He gives him the look.
“Talk to him.”
Ueda raises an eyebrow. This time, Kame just can’t be serious.
“Okay, then write a song for him.”
Ueda is about to send Kame home.
“Look, it doesn’t have to be anything epic.” Ueda knows Kame is lying. That he secretly thinks Nakamaru deserves epic. “Just drinking beer and playing videogames while your thighs brush as you sit close to each other will be enough if you call it a date.”
“You read too much fanfiction. You really should tone it down.” Ueda frowns.
“Well you should know that in fanfiction, you’re usually the sensitive one, not the emotionally stunted one. That is Nishikido’s role.”
“Branching out into other bands, I see.” Ueda makes a face.
“What can I say; my heart is open to many.”
Ueda wishes he had friends that were actually helpful.
~
To stay true to his old ways, Ueda calls Nakamaru in the middle of the night. It seems like it would be easier to do this in the dark.
“I don’t only like girls,” Ueda starts.
“Yeah. Nishikido told Kame. Kame told me.”
Ueda doesn’t want to lose focus here.
“Movies then. Something dark and bloody,” he says.
“War movie?” Nakamaru’s voice sounds cheerful all of a sudden.
Nakamaru is so easy sometimes. Way too easy.
“Sure, just not my own.”
Nakamaru snorts. “I’ll text you the details.”
~
It’s the movies, then it’s just a walk in between appointments, then a visit to a bookstore where Nakamaru flails over a book he hasn’t been able to find, with a title Ueda doesn’t really get the meaning of. But he can pretty much read the feeling coiling in his own stomach when Nakamaru beams at him. Then it’s dinner and even those stupid video games which Ueda always loses at. Of course their thighs brush, but unlike in Kame’s fiction, it just makes Nakamaru jump and move away. Ueda still catches him staring at his collarbones or at his lips or just at him when they are alone, like it’s something surreal, but they hardly touch. Every time Ueda tries, Nakamaru twitches as if not knowing whether to run away or jump Ueda, and then he finds a reason to put space between them.
In the meantime, Ueda is collecting pieces of Nakamaru’s being that he stores in his mind, scraps of things he’s hardly noticed before that return when he’s without Nakamaru, following Ueda whenever his mind wanders. The way Nakamaru’s fingers are so long, the way he walks so straight and proud and tall, the way he laughs first with his eyes and then with his mouth. How his lips shine and how full they are. How conscious he gets sometimes about what he wears or how his nose looks with his new hairstyle. The way Nakamaru can read Ueda’s moods. The way he frets about being good enough for his job and for his friends. The way Ueda can read him, slowly one sign after another. The way Nakamaru grounds Ueda by being near him. The way Ueda’s on pin and needles around him at the same time. As if waiting for Nakamaru to reach out. Wanting him to.
~
The night Nakamaru leans down to just brush his lips against Ueda’s when he’s leaving his apartment, Ueda really wants to tell him. That somehow, somewhere along the way he started to care more than he ever planned to. That the way he grabs for Nakamaru’s elbow and pulls him in for a stronger press of their lips is because of Nakamaru. That pulling away even though he doesn’t want to let go is for him too.
“Good night,” Nakamaru sighs. Ueda knows Nakamaru doesn’t want to let go either.
Ueda also knows they’ve been dating for a while now even though he never really calls it that because it still makes him feel like Kame’s tool. And okay maybe it’s a little scary too.
~
Two weeks later there’s a song on Ueda’s computer, fairly arranged and a lot like the pieces of Nakamaru in his mind.
It takes Ueda two days to save all the other files elsewhere, leaving the PC empty but that song. His pride is hurt because Nishikido had to help, but he can take it as long as the plan works. He follows the instruction to making his PC kind of dead but not really and calls Nakamaru the afternoon on the day he knows Nakamaru’s work is over early.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
~
Nakamaru arrives, laughing at him for being so sloppy. Again. Ueda fights hard not to laugh back at him. He pouts instead. He’s found out it makes Nakamaru a little dumb when he does it right. It definitely makes him more pliant to whatever Ueda wants at the moment.
It takes Nakamaru about an hour to figure out how to make the laptop work again. Ueda sees his face brighten, slowly along with the progression, and decides to venture in the kitchen when he thinks Nakamaru is too close. He gives it five minutes in which his palms sweat and eyes start to sting before he chances the look around the corner. Nakamaru has his earphones on. It’s really convenient that he’s such a curious little stalker. Ueda comes around him and sits opposite of him on the coffee table.
“It’s not just physical,” Ueda says the moment Nakamaru pulls the earphones off his head.
“Did you plan this?” Nakamaru asks, a little too quietly, eyes wide.
“Is it a bad thing if I did?” It better not be. But if it is, Ueda will blame Kame.
“No.”
Ueda wants to high five Nakamaru, because no, it wasn’t a bad thing, but he realizes that’s not too appropriate. He schools his face from splitting into a grin too soon.
“Then what do you think?”
Nakamaru reaches for Ueda and kisses him. Well that probably means he likes the song. When Nakamaru’s tongue licks Ueda’s lips, Ueda figures it must be a masterpiece. He climbs right into Nakamaru’s lap, pushing the PC away, and his hands weed through Nakamaru’s hair as their tongues meet and Nakamaru starts sucking at Ueda’s. He pulls Ueda even closer, kissing him so hard and so forceful, Ueda gives in for once and just lets Nakamaru take whatever he wants. If it means Nakamaru kissing him until his brain stops working and his body goes numb, then Ueda’s mostly fine with it
“Mine,” Nakamaru murmurs against Ueda’s lips, then kisses behind his ear.
“Sure,” Ueda says before he has time to wonder if they’re still talking about the song.
They just kiss for a while, and Ueda really doesn’t mind kissing, but Nakamaru’s fingers are ghosting down his back and over his hips under his t-shirt and dipping below his waistband and they are so close Ueda can feel how much more Nakamaru wants. How much more they both want. So he pulls Nakamaru away by his hair and looks Nakamaru right in the eyes,
“It’s not just physical, but right now I really want to get all kinds of physical too.”
Nakamaru laughs, full and rich, leaning his head backwards and showing Ueda lots of nice skin of his neck, white collarbones peeking out from underneath his shirt.
“I’m sorry. Just somehow it was so, so cheesy.”
“Well, you are the one who needs to date me for ages and doesn’t put out without love songs,” Ueda huffs, poking Nakamaru in the stomach. It’s really not fair.
“Is that what it is? A love song?” Nakamaru’s eyes gleam, dark and pinning Ueda in place.
“What else would it be?”
“I love you too,” Nakamaru blurts out. Ueda knows he gets pale because damn, somehow he is too happy to hear that, and he is in love, and well isn’t it a lovely mess they got themselves into?
“And I’ve been wanting you to fuck me for so long that I won’t even mind if you bend me over this couch right now,” Nakamaru adds.
Well, that is definitely a development in the right direction.
“I don’t keep anything around here.” Ueda must sound pretty regretful. But he didn’t expect it to go this well. He really should have known better.
“Next time then,” Nakamaru smirks at him.
Nakamaru is so easy sometimes. Way too easy. For Ueda.
Ueda just gets up and pulls Nakamaru behind him, heading straight into his bedroom. It would be faster to just undress on the way, but he doesn’t feel like letting go of Nakamaru’s hand. He closes the door behind them and immediately has Nakamaru against it, this time dominating the kiss and going for Nakamaru’s and his own jeans right away. Nakamaru catches up really fast, letting out a deep moan and making sure Ueda has no shirt on in record time. They pull at Nakamaru’s together and back towards the bed, falling onto it in a pile of limbs. Ueda’s been thinking of this for some time now, of Nakamaru’s pale skin, long legs wrapped around his waist, the taste of skin in the hollow of his neck. He doesn’t know where to touch first, where to kiss and bite, and Nakamaru isn’t any better, both of them struggling to reach everywhere at once.
Ueda groans and hisses when Nakamaru pulls at his hair, and he finally gets hold of Nakamaru’s left hand and his right thigh. He holds the hand above Nakamaru’s head and brings the thigh up. And Nakamaru gets it, wrapping his legs around Ueda. Now they fit together almost too well, moving against each other and moaning between the sloppy kisses, hips rocking faster to the point where Ueda thinks he’s just going to come like this. But then Nakamaru is pushing at his stomach and biting his lip to bring Ueda back to focus. His own eyes are clouded with need and he’s flushed and breathing hard, but he pushes Ueda away a little more.
“Not like this. Not yet,” he whispers, and Ueda heaves a deep breath and reaches for his bed side drawer. He squeezes the little tube in his fist and looks down at Nakamaru, hands up and grabbing the headrest behind his head, knees bent and slightly apart, thighs pale and shivering just a little, flat stomach taunt, cock straining against his underwear.
“Do it, Tatsuya,” Nakamaru whispers, and yeah Ueda will, he just has to stop staring and catch his breath and find the remains of his scattered brain. He finally reaches down, getting rid of last of Nakamaru’s clothing.
“You too,” Nakamaru says rather forcefully, and Ueda realizes they might have a problem one day.
“So bossy,” he murmurs, but he’s butt naked in no time, kneeling between Nakamaru’s spread legs. He lifts one of Nakamaru’s knees up and places it over his shoulders, kissing Nakamaru on the inside of it. Nakamaru stops breathing. That’s more like it.
“Relax,” Ueda murmurs against the skin, lapping at it, his mouth moving up the thigh. Nakamaru nods, damp hair flying around his face, and Ueda touches him, strokes down his cock, slowly, feeling it throb. He does it a few more times, adding a bit of lube before his fingers slip lower, ghosting over Nakamaru’s balls and down behind them. Nakamaru gasps, and Ueda leans down to kiss him as he pushes a finger inside him. He leaves Nakamaru’s mouth, slowly pushing deeper and faster inside him while kissing down his neck and over his chest, lapping over his nipple. Ueda sucks at a spot underneath Nakamaru’s last left rib as Nakamaru arches more, and Ueda is three fingers deep.
He pulls back completely then, watching how his fingers disappear inside Nakamaru and how Nakamaru moves to meet them. Ueda twists them and crooks them, scraping Nakamaru’s insides until he finds the place to press against. Nakamaru moans again, and fuck Ueda wants to hear more of that. So he presses harder, and Nakamaru splutters, one hand twisting the sheets now, dark eyes wide open and focused on Ueda only. His hips lift towards Ueda with each press, and Ueda forgets about anything but how good Nakamaru looks like this and how perfect he sounds, gasping and moaning and brokenly saying Ueda’s name over and over again. He keeps the pressure constant now, watching as Nakamaru fucks himself and absentmindedly stroking his cock twitching against Nakamaru’s stomach every time he moves down onto Ueda’s fingers. Just watching feels so good, it’s as if Ueda was already inside him, and that’s it, just a little more. Ueda realizes a little too late that it’s Nakamaru’s orgasm that he can feel on the tip of his tongue, and Nakamaru’s eyes roll to the back of his head as he comes, moaning and twitching in Ueda’s hold.
“So hot,” Ueda murmurs, then tries to kiss Nakamaru, a little apologetic because he knows this is not entirely what Nakamaru wanted. He slides his tongue lower and cleans Nakamaru as the other is catching his breath and whimpering when Ueda’s tongue laps over his sensitive cock. Ueda likes that sound too, so he does it again, tip of his tongue circling the head then moving down and licking around his own fingers that are still moving lightly inside Nakamaru.
“Not fair,” Nakamaru finally murmurs, and Ueda leans back up.
“Just take it as a thank you for being in this alone for so long,” Ueda says on a whim, and Nakamaru pulls him down into another long kiss. Clearly he actually like when Ueda says these cheesy things.
“Do you think you can come for me one more time?” Ueda asks when Nakamaru finally lets up. Nakamaru swears for the first time, and that is hot too.
He also rocks his hips against Ueda’s stomach again, and their cocks brush, and Nakamaru definitely can do this again. Ueda scissors his fingers inside him a little longer, leaning over Nakamaru and sliding their cocks together on purpose.
“Just do it already,” Nakamaru whispers, and Ueda nods. One last press inside of Nakamaru, and he’s pulling his fingers out. Nakamaru grabs for Ueda’s hips as Ueda slides into him, moaning and stilling because the heat is suffocating him.
“Feels so good,” he murmurs, and Nakamaru contracts around him on purpose.
“It’ll feel even better,” he gasps out, and Ueda moves, rocking back and forth, closing his eyes and kissing where he can reach. Nakamaru grunts underneath him, and maybe Ueda’s going too fast. He slows down and leans up, but Nakamaru’s gasping for air and moving on his own. He whines at Ueda going way too slow, and Ueda gets an idea, pushing Nakamaru’s calf off his shoulder and rolling them over.
“Do it as you want to,” he murmurs, and Nakamaru grips Ueda’s hips even tighter, pushing himself up and straddling Ueda properly.
“Fuck,” Ueda swears as Nakamaru towers over him, slick flushed skin and swollen lips. Nakamaru moans again, and it’s different now that he’s riding Ueda, moving like he wants to, deep rolls that grow stronger and quicker as he finds the right angle to sink down at.
“Yeah, there, more,” he’s whispering, and Ueda presses his heels against the mattress, trying to rock into Nakamaru, hands skating up and down his thighs.
“Tatsuya,” Nakamaru whispers again, and Ueda knows what he wants. He takes Nakamaru’s cock into his hand but goes slow, not wanting this to end this just yet. Nakamaru’s broken words get so filthy Ueda would blush. As it is, he knows he’s sweaty and flushed all the way to his ears from the effort to give Nakamaru what he wants. He’s so focused on him that it comes as a shock when his stomach twists again, his toes curling, and he feels pleasure shooting up his spine. He comes without a warning, deep inside Nakamaru who rides him through his orgasm, messy and almost desperate. He covers Ueda’s hand on his own cock, and finally together, they stroke faster until he comes too, shivering above Ueda then finally lying down on top of him, breathing brokenly and way too fast.
Ueda rubs Nakamaru’s back until the other calms down a little. He regrets it when soon enough, Nakamaru wriggles on top of him.
“I’m so sticky,” he says.
“That is what you’re thinking off?” Ueda wonders, on the verge of falling asleep.
“What are you thinking of then?” Nakamaru asks, almost cross.
“That next time, I want you to suck me off. Preferably while beat boxing.”
Nakamara pinches Ueda’s left side.
“Don’t tell me you never did that.” Ueda is wide awake again.
Nakamaru shakes his head, but it’s so unconvincing when he’s freshly fucked like this and way too smug about himself.
“No one’s buying your prude act now, Yuichi. You’ve just been moaning so filthy I was a little shocked.”
“You liked it,” Nakamaru whispers, stretching to do so right into Ueda’s ear. “Next time, I want to fuck you,” he adds.
“What did I create?” Ueda wonders. Nakamaru only pokes him some more until he has them both up and heading for shower.
~
“I can’t read fanfiction about you and Nakamaru anymore,” Kame whines as he pours himself a glass of wine, acting all dramatic.
“I really do not want to know why that is,” Ueda says dryly, looking at the clock. Nakamaru is late. So is Nishikido.
The moment he thinks it, the doorbell rings and he hurries off to open it. Yuichi has a key, but he promised to ring since he comes bearing a very peculiar guest.
“Hey there,” Nakamaru says, and Ueda forgets himself, leaning in for a kiss. Nakamaru smiles goofily, and Nishikido snorts.
“That’s just so disgustingly cheesy, Ueda. Where’s the booze and Kamenashi?” he asks and passes Ueda, heading straight for his kitchen.
“Just what did you promise him that he’s so eager to see Kame?” Nakamaru asks.
“I do not do any such thing. Tatsuya, I’m never helping you again!” Kame booms from the kitchen.
“Thank god for that,” Ueda sighs. Nakamaru only shakes his head and goes to start on damage control.
“Do you also read about yourself? Are you into role play? I’d like to try that. And then maybe we could, you know, role play what we role played.”
Nishikido is closing in on Kame who looks like he is about to combust.
“I’ll leave you to it then,” Nakamaru says, deciding he actually doesn’t want to know.
“Let them be. I’m hoping in the end, Kame will get some and not only in virtual reality,” Ueda laughs putting his shoes on. He doesn’t like wine anyway.
“Please don’t ever play matchmaker again.” Nakamaru pinches his nose.
“Just returning a favor,” Ueda shrugs and pulls Nakamaru out of the apartment just as they hear a dull thud, as if something hit the table. “He needs to stop imagining us two anyway,” Ueda adds and shuts the door behind them.
From: sashjun
Title: Step by Step
Pairings/Characters: Nakamaru/Ueda
Rating:NC-17
Warnings: feelings
Notes: Hi there ♥ I really hope you like this. I also hope there isn’t too much feelings in this for you, but they just wouldn’t go away. 6558 words. Thank you to my cheerleader and to my beta ♥
Summary: Nakamaru likes Ueda. And Kame says Ueda should do something about it.
Of course Ueda doesn’t notice it. Of course it’s Kame who has to tell him.
“Nakamaru likes you. Do something about it.”
Ueda stops petting his dog and actually focuses on Kame.
“Like what?” he asks, when Kame doesn’t say anything else, clearly enjoying both the dramatic silence and his new nail polish.
“Talk to him.”
Ueda raises an eyebrow. Kame can’t be serious.
“Okay, then write a song for him.”
Ueda gets up, takes away Kame’s nail polish and kicks him out of his apartment.
“You can finish your big toes in your own house.” Ueda has lost all hope of Kame growing out of colorful toes, but the coral was a bit too much, really.
~
It’s a mystery how Ueda could’ve not noticed. Now that he knows, it’s crushing into him like a bus speeding downhill with broken breaks. Nakamaru is. The way he looks at Ueda sometimes; at his knuckles, at his lips, just at him when Ueda walks in, jeans and a white shirt and messy, messy hair. The way he indulges Ueda, goes along with his stupid ideas and pays for him every single time they go out. It would be so easy to abuse, to just play it right, but Ueda thinks Nakamaru’s been a good friend, and he actually feels bad now that he knows. It was much easier to be selfish when he was oblivious.
Ueda tries to write a song for Nakamaru. Or just about Nakamaru. Ueda doesn’t like Nakamaru like that. He doesn’t love him, and it just doesn’t work.
So Ueda decides to talk to Nakamaru. Part of him still doesn’t want to do it, mostly just because Kame told him to and he doesn’t like to listen.
~
Still, Ueda waits behind one night and steps into Nakamaru’s path as the other is leaving the already empty dressing room.
“For how long?” Ueda asks.
Nakamaru blinks. “What?”
“You like me. For how long?” Ueda repeats, crossing his hands in front of his chest like he is the one afraid of what will come next.
“You know?” Nakamaru gets pale, and his eyes get comically big. He takes a step back.
“Yeah.” Ueda feels it wouldn’t be fair to Nakamaru to tell him it took Kame for Ueda to realize. He deserves better.
“You’ve noticed,” Nakamaru says, and it sounds a bit dreamy.
Ueda doesn’t want to give him hope. “Kame told me.” He backpedals. It’s for the best.
“Kame knows?” Nakamaru sounds both alarmed and disappointed.
“Kame knows everything. He probably knows when all of us are going to die, and he isn’t telling only because we’d call him a freak.”
“You mean more often than we do,” Nakamaru adds, and he actually laughs. It was a stupid joke, but Nakamaru laughs.
And Ueda knows he has it bad. He stays quiet and just looks at Nakamaru, waiting for him to collect himself. Nakamaru cracks the knuckles on his long fingers and looks up at Ueda.
“It’s been a while,” he says at last.
Ueda has to end this. “I like girls.” Now. That thing with Nishikido made Ueda feel like he’s had his share of manly love to last him a life time.
Nakamaru looks at him like he wants to say something. He probably knows Ueda’s not saying the whole truth. Ueda knows he’s been watching.
“I know,” Nakamaru says. “I still…”
Ueda doesn’t really want to make him talk about it. This really was a stupid idea. “Okay then,” he says.
For some reason it feels like he has just given Nakamaru some kind of leave to continue. He wanted to tell him to give up. But Nakamaru is looking at him, guarded and tense, biting his lips and curling his fingers together.
“I won’t abuse it,” Ueda says into the silence. “I’ll start paying for my dinners.” It’s stupid really. But somehow it seems like Nakamaru gets it. Let’s not get awkward.
“Don’t tell Kame I know you know,” he says and winks. “But maybe now I’ll abuse it.”
Nakamaru is incapable of abusing anything. He’s an idiot, and the last thing Ueda can see him doing is emotionally blackmailing Ueda into buying him dinner. Ueda knows that is still his forte.
~
Of course it gets awkward. Nakamaru can be a master of awkward, and Ueda isn’t really one for resolving such moods. And they have Junno for a bandmate, Junno who asks Ueda if he is jealous when Ueda mentions he heard them on their radio show when coming home the other night. Then Junno winks. Ueda’s only mentioned it in the effort to help the situation. Instead Nakamaru gives him this look, and then Kame gives him that look, and then Koki just plainly asks what the hell is going on.
“Nothing,” Ueda harrumphs, and sets out for lunch. He has no clue where his wallet is.
“Nakamaru, come pay for my lunch,” he says. Fuck. He pouts at the small black spot on the white wall behind Nakamaru’s left ear.
Nakamaru laughs. It’s still awkward, but oh man Nakamaru is really deep down in this because he is laughing, wrinkles around his eyes getting deeper from it, and he is willingly pulling out his wallet and subjecting himself to more completely uncomfortable time spent with Ueda.
“It’s only lunch,” he says to Ueda as they are standing in the elevator, very far away from each other and looking at their feet.
“You better learn some tricks from me if you are to start using me now,” Ueda says as they get out onto the street.
“I’m not really out for pity. And who knows, they say loves goes through the stomach.” Nakamaru wraps his scarf around Ueda because there’s a chance someone recognizes him.
Ueda forgets to swat his hand away.
“That’s not even funny.” he says bitterly.
“Don’t say that. I practiced it in front of a mirror for when you made me pay for food next time,” Nakamaru says seriously, choosing their bentos because he knows what Ueda wants maybe better than Ueda himself.
Ueda thinks he was so much better off when he was in his early twenties and living obliviously in his very own and very blond world.
Nakamaru’s laughing again. This time there is no strain in it though. Ueda pouts, and he really does not care that it looks childish.
“Honestly, if you keep being so flustered around me, I will start abusing it.”
“It’s not me. You’re supposed to be the flustered one.” Ueda points a finger at Nakamaru.
“Actually, right now I’m kind of strangely glad you know. It’s been so long. I’m used to being flustered around you. It’s a permanent state of alert for me. I feel a bit vindicated that I’m not the only one suffering.”
Ueda can’t even look Nakamaru in the eye after that. He also thinks Kame only really told him to torture him.
“Whatever,” he just says, grabs the bento and heads back to practice first.
~
Sometimes, Ueda almost forgets Nakamaru is in love with him. After all, Nakamaru is still his friend, someone who knows him too well and who is this constant presence in his life even when they don’t see each other every day. And clearly he doesn’t deserve any consideration if he can tease Ueda about it.
They fall back on most of their routines, talking, texting, sometimes going out to eat together, and Ueda even thinks Kame might have been annoyingly right when he made him talk to Nakamaru.
That is until Nakamaru does another of these things he just does. Until he is there for Ueda when Ueda needs a silent drink in the middle of the night when he knows Nakamaru is normally deep asleep. Until Nakamaru sends flowers to Ueda’s former co-star when the man is on some show in Ueda’s name because Ueda would never think of that and it’s the right thing to do in this industry. Until Nakamaru looks down to the floor and keeps his distance the day Ueda comments their new assistant is pretty and has very nice legs. Until Ueda’s computer breaks down, and Nakamaru rushes to his place to fix it the next morning, even if it’s his only free day in about four months, what with his drama and regular show duties.
~
Ueda watches Nakamaru as he murmurs something underneath his breath trying to save Ueda’s files, probably cursing Ueda himself for whatever he did or didn’t do. He looks pretty tired, a bit haggard, his shirt crumpled, hair a bit overgrown for his current style and his face hasn’t been shaven, something Ueda remembers happening three times; when they took Taguchi to the hospital with his knee, after Jin left the first time, and when Going! hit shelves and they all got drunk together in some hotel room. It kind of suits him. But Ueda knows Nakamaru well enough to guess that he’s probably quite uncomfortable.
“What were your plans for today anyway?” he asks.
“Nothing particular.” Nakamaru doesn’t even lift his eyes from Ueda’s laptop. Ueda leaves him to it and goes to search though his toiletries.
He comes back just in time to see Nakamaru look up and point an accusing finger at him.
“Ueda Tatsuya, if I’m working my ass off here only to save your gay porn, you are so dead,” he says, and his ears are actually red.
Just great. “You’re not. You’re saving my songs, okay? The compositions I had there. But if you save the porn, that’s cool too. It’s pretty good; you could copy some if you wanted.” He plays it cool. Whatever, it’s just five gigabytes of it. And it really is good. Nishikido is still useful for some things.
Nakamaru keeps looking at him, so Ueda shakes his head to stop his inner monologue and focuses on Nakamaru’s now completely flushed face and eyes uncertainly swimming in his head.
“So does this mean you’re done?”
“Yeah,” Nakamaru says feebly.
“Good. Here’s a towel and a clean t-shirt, and I left you some things in the bathroom. I feel like you could use a cleanup. Then we’ll go for lunch.”
Nakamaru opens his mouth to say something, but Ueda lifts his hand to stop him. “I’m paying.”
“That’s not what I was going to… You are?” Nakamaru startles.
“Yes.”
“That t-shirt is argyle.” Nakamaru points out.
“Yeah. It’s the pajama top from the set you gave me. But I figured it’s better than anything else I could give you.”
Nakamaru is still giving him this strange look, but he grabs the t-shirt and shuts himself in the bathroom. Ueda hears the shower running and he has to wonder just when Nakamaru’s filming ended last night.
~
They go out for lunch, and Ueda lets Nakamaru pick a place. It’s comfortable. Nakamaru doesn’t talk much, but Ueda isn’t in a mood for much conversation either so it works out just fine. After the lunch, Ueda drags Nakamaru into a music shop to look at some new guitar strings and the sun is out so they have ice-cream even if it’s still too cold for them to be eating it out. Nakamaru insists they go into a pet shop next-he needs to run an errand there he had planned for that day. They spend entirely too much time walking among the animal cages. In the end, they eat at a ramen stand and head for a convenience store to buy some beer.
~
Beers in hand and sinking deep into Ueda’s couch, they are soon watching some documentary Ueda is not interested in at all. Yet he can tell Nakamaru is pretty tired but wants to hang out, and he did fix Ueda’s computer, so it’s only fair they do things his way this time around.
“I should go,” Nakamaru says wearily when the show is over. Ueda nods.
“Thanks for fixing that damn laptop,” Ueda says. He’s not promising that he won’t break it again. That would be lying.
“Thanks for…” Nakamaru stops mid-sentence, looks to the side at Ueda and doesn’t finish talking. He pushes himself up and starts collecting his things.
Sometimes, Ueda almost forgets that Nakamaru is in love with him. Today, he remembers too well. He scrambles up and towards his door, hoping to lock it behind Nakamaru real soon.
Nakamaru steps around Ueda and puts his shoes on. He fidgets and clears his throat. Ueda doesn’t want to even start guessing what goes on in Nakamaru’s head-what he might want to say.
“I know it’s not such a big deal,” Nakamaru says at last.
“What isn’t?”
Because being in love with your bandmate and a good friend is a pretty big thing. So big that they are not going to talk about it ever again if Ueda can help it.
“Fixing your laptop,” Nakamaru says. Ueda notes the lack of ridicule in his voice. “What I mean is that I know I’m out of line to ask this. Today or any other day. But today it felt like. Just. It was nice-to spend day with you like this. And I was wondering if I could,” Nakamaru bites his bottom lip, and somehow Ueda notices-not that he was looking at his lips or anything-and please no, don’t let that be a clue about what Nakamaru is asking,”… if I could just kiss you. Just once. And I will never mention it again. I promise. We’ll act like it never happened. You can forget about it right away…”
But Nakamaru won’t just forget it right away. “Yuichi.” Ueda takes a deep breath. This is so wrong. But it looks like Nakamaru might not be done pleading for this crazy thing, and Ueda doesn’t want to hear him say-
“Please?” Nakamaru is looking straight at Ueda when he says it.
Fuck. Ueda’s hands close into fists for just a second but then he’s using his right hand to grab Nakamaru’s silly pajama top and bring him close. If Nakamaru is surprised, he gets over it by the time their noses bump, and then he’s leaning his head to the side just a little and their lips fit together.
Ueda’s breath stops then. Next second he can feel Nakamaru shiver a little where his knuckles brush against Nakamaru’s chest, and that has Ueda gasping for air. Only Nakamaru swallows his gasp, and there’s a tongue in his mouth, and Ueda is pushing against it with his own, and instead of a quick end, the kiss becomes deeper. Both of Nakamaru’s hands come to rest on Ueda’s hips as Ueda leans back against the wall and lets Nakamaru kiss him, deep and hard and almost methodical in how he tastes all of Ueda, until Ueda’s toes curl and his insides are all twisted, heart pounding in his ears. Ueda more feels than hears himself gasp again. It makes Nakamaru pull back, fast and in panic. Right away, he is stumbling out the door, mumbling sorry then disappearing before Ueda’s knees stop shaking.
Well, that’s just lovely.
Ueda grabs for the door and shuts it loudly, then slides down against them. He can still feel Nakamaru’s lips against his own, full and soft, tasting of bitter beer and so much want.
Ueda liked the kiss. But it just could be that Nakamaru is a really good kisser. But Ueda wants to do it again. And that is a problem.
~
Ueda lies on his bed wide awake. He needs to come up with a solution, strategy, his own face to use when he meets Nakamaru tomorrow. At first he figures he could just get up, drive to Nakamaru’s place, kiss him again and see where it leads them. Maybe it’s just the frustration that built up between them lately, or at least on Ueda’s side, and it will go away if they just…
Nakamaru likes Ueda, and Ueda can’t just go and have sex with him. Nakamaru really does deserve better.
To just forget the kiss right away as Nakamaru suggested is not an option.
To talk about it isn’t either. Look where it got Ueda-talking about emotions.
Ueda is not writing a song about Nakamaru.
Maybe someone else could find another alternative. Ueda grabs for his phone, but if he ever had a love problem, it was always Nakamaru he’d go to. Ueda’s head hurts as he realizes how many times he’s done that; last time it happened like three months ago when he had this stupid crush, and why didn’t Nakamaru just hang up on him?
Koki would probably tell him to embrace the love. Junno would take him to a strip show to get his mind off things, and Kame is not an option. Because Kame is to blame here.
The phone rings in Ueda’s hand, and Ueda almost has a heart attack as he drops it between his sheets. He searches for it, but seeing the caller ID he instantly wishes it turned to ashes right here. He picks up.
“Yuichi.”
“I figured you’d be up,” Nakamaru says. Ueda wonders if he too is lying on his bed. If his heart is beating as fast as Ueda’s suddenly is.
“You should sleep though,” Ueda says, remembering how tired Nakamaru looked.
Silence follows, and it makes Ueda realize he cares about how much rest Nakamaru gets. Well that’s okay; they’re good friends. Only that normally he really wouldn’t even think about it.
“It’s just my normal insomnia,” Ueda says.
“We should go on another date,” Nakamaru says bluntly.
“We’ve never been on a date,” Ueda points out. No. They’re not going on a date. Ueda licks his lips.
“Today felt like one.”
“You were just imagining it.”
“Tatsuya.”
“Yuichi.”
“You kissed back.”
“You asked me to,” Ueda says, and it sounds just as accusatory as he means it. He never agreed to Nakamaru’s tongue in his mouth stealing all of his sanity. Nakamaru was cheating.
“I asked you if I could kiss you.”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” Not with you for sure.
Ueda hears Nakamaru sigh dejectedly. Ueda pretends his heart doesn’t break a little. It feels nothing like pity.
“I’m hanging up,” Nakamaru says then.
“Uhm.”
The line goes dead. Ueda’s room feels suffocating. For the first time in a really long time, Ueda feels like having a cigarette. He has none stacked anymore though.
He’s not calling Jin either. He might be married, but he gives worse relationship advice than Koki’s little brother.
~
Nakamaru solves the initial problem by simply not talking or even looking at Ueda unless he has to. It’s a busy day, and the good part about the KAT-TUN is that they really do not have to share their secrets during lunch breaks every day. So Ueda focus on not searching for Nakamaru in the room and is doing well until the moment they meet in the bathroom, looking at each other through the mirror.
It’s not like Ueda followed Nakamaru here; it’s a pure coincidence. Okay, so maybe Ueda saw him coming this way, but he was planning the visit for himself anyway. Nakamaru purses his lips and runs his long fingers through his hair. The next minute, Ueda is pressing his back into the bathroom sink, kissing him, full of teeth and tongue and trying to define what it is exactly that he feels.
He has no clue what he feels. What this is. Or where it came from.
Until Nakamaru pushes him away and looks at him, hurt and serious.
“Don’t do this unless you mean it.”
It’s not just physical. Ueda thinks he knows it’s not just physical. He would never.
Nakamaru is gone. Ueda leans against the sink, washing his face. If it’s not just physical, then what is it?
~
“Nakamaru thinks it’s just physical,” Kame tells Ueda, inspecting the newest addition to Ueda’s manga collection over his huge glasses.
Ueda already knew that. That’s not why he let Kame inside. He better do his magic soon.
“I’m not taking him to Disneyland just to prove it’s not.”
“It’s not?” Kame asks, and he sounds a little surprised. Ueda can’t figure out if he’s faking it or not. He gives him the look.
“Talk to him.”
Ueda raises an eyebrow. This time, Kame just can’t be serious.
“Okay, then write a song for him.”
Ueda is about to send Kame home.
“Look, it doesn’t have to be anything epic.” Ueda knows Kame is lying. That he secretly thinks Nakamaru deserves epic. “Just drinking beer and playing videogames while your thighs brush as you sit close to each other will be enough if you call it a date.”
“You read too much fanfiction. You really should tone it down.” Ueda frowns.
“Well you should know that in fanfiction, you’re usually the sensitive one, not the emotionally stunted one. That is Nishikido’s role.”
“Branching out into other bands, I see.” Ueda makes a face.
“What can I say; my heart is open to many.”
Ueda wishes he had friends that were actually helpful.
~
To stay true to his old ways, Ueda calls Nakamaru in the middle of the night. It seems like it would be easier to do this in the dark.
“I don’t only like girls,” Ueda starts.
“Yeah. Nishikido told Kame. Kame told me.”
Ueda doesn’t want to lose focus here.
“Movies then. Something dark and bloody,” he says.
“War movie?” Nakamaru’s voice sounds cheerful all of a sudden.
Nakamaru is so easy sometimes. Way too easy.
“Sure, just not my own.”
Nakamaru snorts. “I’ll text you the details.”
~
It’s the movies, then it’s just a walk in between appointments, then a visit to a bookstore where Nakamaru flails over a book he hasn’t been able to find, with a title Ueda doesn’t really get the meaning of. But he can pretty much read the feeling coiling in his own stomach when Nakamaru beams at him. Then it’s dinner and even those stupid video games which Ueda always loses at. Of course their thighs brush, but unlike in Kame’s fiction, it just makes Nakamaru jump and move away. Ueda still catches him staring at his collarbones or at his lips or just at him when they are alone, like it’s something surreal, but they hardly touch. Every time Ueda tries, Nakamaru twitches as if not knowing whether to run away or jump Ueda, and then he finds a reason to put space between them.
In the meantime, Ueda is collecting pieces of Nakamaru’s being that he stores in his mind, scraps of things he’s hardly noticed before that return when he’s without Nakamaru, following Ueda whenever his mind wanders. The way Nakamaru’s fingers are so long, the way he walks so straight and proud and tall, the way he laughs first with his eyes and then with his mouth. How his lips shine and how full they are. How conscious he gets sometimes about what he wears or how his nose looks with his new hairstyle. The way Nakamaru can read Ueda’s moods. The way he frets about being good enough for his job and for his friends. The way Ueda can read him, slowly one sign after another. The way Nakamaru grounds Ueda by being near him. The way Ueda’s on pin and needles around him at the same time. As if waiting for Nakamaru to reach out. Wanting him to.
~
The night Nakamaru leans down to just brush his lips against Ueda’s when he’s leaving his apartment, Ueda really wants to tell him. That somehow, somewhere along the way he started to care more than he ever planned to. That the way he grabs for Nakamaru’s elbow and pulls him in for a stronger press of their lips is because of Nakamaru. That pulling away even though he doesn’t want to let go is for him too.
“Good night,” Nakamaru sighs. Ueda knows Nakamaru doesn’t want to let go either.
Ueda also knows they’ve been dating for a while now even though he never really calls it that because it still makes him feel like Kame’s tool. And okay maybe it’s a little scary too.
~
Two weeks later there’s a song on Ueda’s computer, fairly arranged and a lot like the pieces of Nakamaru in his mind.
It takes Ueda two days to save all the other files elsewhere, leaving the PC empty but that song. His pride is hurt because Nishikido had to help, but he can take it as long as the plan works. He follows the instruction to making his PC kind of dead but not really and calls Nakamaru the afternoon on the day he knows Nakamaru’s work is over early.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
~
Nakamaru arrives, laughing at him for being so sloppy. Again. Ueda fights hard not to laugh back at him. He pouts instead. He’s found out it makes Nakamaru a little dumb when he does it right. It definitely makes him more pliant to whatever Ueda wants at the moment.
It takes Nakamaru about an hour to figure out how to make the laptop work again. Ueda sees his face brighten, slowly along with the progression, and decides to venture in the kitchen when he thinks Nakamaru is too close. He gives it five minutes in which his palms sweat and eyes start to sting before he chances the look around the corner. Nakamaru has his earphones on. It’s really convenient that he’s such a curious little stalker. Ueda comes around him and sits opposite of him on the coffee table.
“It’s not just physical,” Ueda says the moment Nakamaru pulls the earphones off his head.
“Did you plan this?” Nakamaru asks, a little too quietly, eyes wide.
“Is it a bad thing if I did?” It better not be. But if it is, Ueda will blame Kame.
“No.”
Ueda wants to high five Nakamaru, because no, it wasn’t a bad thing, but he realizes that’s not too appropriate. He schools his face from splitting into a grin too soon.
“Then what do you think?”
Nakamaru reaches for Ueda and kisses him. Well that probably means he likes the song. When Nakamaru’s tongue licks Ueda’s lips, Ueda figures it must be a masterpiece. He climbs right into Nakamaru’s lap, pushing the PC away, and his hands weed through Nakamaru’s hair as their tongues meet and Nakamaru starts sucking at Ueda’s. He pulls Ueda even closer, kissing him so hard and so forceful, Ueda gives in for once and just lets Nakamaru take whatever he wants. If it means Nakamaru kissing him until his brain stops working and his body goes numb, then Ueda’s mostly fine with it
“Mine,” Nakamaru murmurs against Ueda’s lips, then kisses behind his ear.
“Sure,” Ueda says before he has time to wonder if they’re still talking about the song.
They just kiss for a while, and Ueda really doesn’t mind kissing, but Nakamaru’s fingers are ghosting down his back and over his hips under his t-shirt and dipping below his waistband and they are so close Ueda can feel how much more Nakamaru wants. How much more they both want. So he pulls Nakamaru away by his hair and looks Nakamaru right in the eyes,
“It’s not just physical, but right now I really want to get all kinds of physical too.”
Nakamaru laughs, full and rich, leaning his head backwards and showing Ueda lots of nice skin of his neck, white collarbones peeking out from underneath his shirt.
“I’m sorry. Just somehow it was so, so cheesy.”
“Well, you are the one who needs to date me for ages and doesn’t put out without love songs,” Ueda huffs, poking Nakamaru in the stomach. It’s really not fair.
“Is that what it is? A love song?” Nakamaru’s eyes gleam, dark and pinning Ueda in place.
“What else would it be?”
“I love you too,” Nakamaru blurts out. Ueda knows he gets pale because damn, somehow he is too happy to hear that, and he is in love, and well isn’t it a lovely mess they got themselves into?
“And I’ve been wanting you to fuck me for so long that I won’t even mind if you bend me over this couch right now,” Nakamaru adds.
Well, that is definitely a development in the right direction.
“I don’t keep anything around here.” Ueda must sound pretty regretful. But he didn’t expect it to go this well. He really should have known better.
“Next time then,” Nakamaru smirks at him.
Nakamaru is so easy sometimes. Way too easy. For Ueda.
Ueda just gets up and pulls Nakamaru behind him, heading straight into his bedroom. It would be faster to just undress on the way, but he doesn’t feel like letting go of Nakamaru’s hand. He closes the door behind them and immediately has Nakamaru against it, this time dominating the kiss and going for Nakamaru’s and his own jeans right away. Nakamaru catches up really fast, letting out a deep moan and making sure Ueda has no shirt on in record time. They pull at Nakamaru’s together and back towards the bed, falling onto it in a pile of limbs. Ueda’s been thinking of this for some time now, of Nakamaru’s pale skin, long legs wrapped around his waist, the taste of skin in the hollow of his neck. He doesn’t know where to touch first, where to kiss and bite, and Nakamaru isn’t any better, both of them struggling to reach everywhere at once.
Ueda groans and hisses when Nakamaru pulls at his hair, and he finally gets hold of Nakamaru’s left hand and his right thigh. He holds the hand above Nakamaru’s head and brings the thigh up. And Nakamaru gets it, wrapping his legs around Ueda. Now they fit together almost too well, moving against each other and moaning between the sloppy kisses, hips rocking faster to the point where Ueda thinks he’s just going to come like this. But then Nakamaru is pushing at his stomach and biting his lip to bring Ueda back to focus. His own eyes are clouded with need and he’s flushed and breathing hard, but he pushes Ueda away a little more.
“Not like this. Not yet,” he whispers, and Ueda heaves a deep breath and reaches for his bed side drawer. He squeezes the little tube in his fist and looks down at Nakamaru, hands up and grabbing the headrest behind his head, knees bent and slightly apart, thighs pale and shivering just a little, flat stomach taunt, cock straining against his underwear.
“Do it, Tatsuya,” Nakamaru whispers, and yeah Ueda will, he just has to stop staring and catch his breath and find the remains of his scattered brain. He finally reaches down, getting rid of last of Nakamaru’s clothing.
“You too,” Nakamaru says rather forcefully, and Ueda realizes they might have a problem one day.
“So bossy,” he murmurs, but he’s butt naked in no time, kneeling between Nakamaru’s spread legs. He lifts one of Nakamaru’s knees up and places it over his shoulders, kissing Nakamaru on the inside of it. Nakamaru stops breathing. That’s more like it.
“Relax,” Ueda murmurs against the skin, lapping at it, his mouth moving up the thigh. Nakamaru nods, damp hair flying around his face, and Ueda touches him, strokes down his cock, slowly, feeling it throb. He does it a few more times, adding a bit of lube before his fingers slip lower, ghosting over Nakamaru’s balls and down behind them. Nakamaru gasps, and Ueda leans down to kiss him as he pushes a finger inside him. He leaves Nakamaru’s mouth, slowly pushing deeper and faster inside him while kissing down his neck and over his chest, lapping over his nipple. Ueda sucks at a spot underneath Nakamaru’s last left rib as Nakamaru arches more, and Ueda is three fingers deep.
He pulls back completely then, watching how his fingers disappear inside Nakamaru and how Nakamaru moves to meet them. Ueda twists them and crooks them, scraping Nakamaru’s insides until he finds the place to press against. Nakamaru moans again, and fuck Ueda wants to hear more of that. So he presses harder, and Nakamaru splutters, one hand twisting the sheets now, dark eyes wide open and focused on Ueda only. His hips lift towards Ueda with each press, and Ueda forgets about anything but how good Nakamaru looks like this and how perfect he sounds, gasping and moaning and brokenly saying Ueda’s name over and over again. He keeps the pressure constant now, watching as Nakamaru fucks himself and absentmindedly stroking his cock twitching against Nakamaru’s stomach every time he moves down onto Ueda’s fingers. Just watching feels so good, it’s as if Ueda was already inside him, and that’s it, just a little more. Ueda realizes a little too late that it’s Nakamaru’s orgasm that he can feel on the tip of his tongue, and Nakamaru’s eyes roll to the back of his head as he comes, moaning and twitching in Ueda’s hold.
“So hot,” Ueda murmurs, then tries to kiss Nakamaru, a little apologetic because he knows this is not entirely what Nakamaru wanted. He slides his tongue lower and cleans Nakamaru as the other is catching his breath and whimpering when Ueda’s tongue laps over his sensitive cock. Ueda likes that sound too, so he does it again, tip of his tongue circling the head then moving down and licking around his own fingers that are still moving lightly inside Nakamaru.
“Not fair,” Nakamaru finally murmurs, and Ueda leans back up.
“Just take it as a thank you for being in this alone for so long,” Ueda says on a whim, and Nakamaru pulls him down into another long kiss. Clearly he actually like when Ueda says these cheesy things.
“Do you think you can come for me one more time?” Ueda asks when Nakamaru finally lets up. Nakamaru swears for the first time, and that is hot too.
He also rocks his hips against Ueda’s stomach again, and their cocks brush, and Nakamaru definitely can do this again. Ueda scissors his fingers inside him a little longer, leaning over Nakamaru and sliding their cocks together on purpose.
“Just do it already,” Nakamaru whispers, and Ueda nods. One last press inside of Nakamaru, and he’s pulling his fingers out. Nakamaru grabs for Ueda’s hips as Ueda slides into him, moaning and stilling because the heat is suffocating him.
“Feels so good,” he murmurs, and Nakamaru contracts around him on purpose.
“It’ll feel even better,” he gasps out, and Ueda moves, rocking back and forth, closing his eyes and kissing where he can reach. Nakamaru grunts underneath him, and maybe Ueda’s going too fast. He slows down and leans up, but Nakamaru’s gasping for air and moving on his own. He whines at Ueda going way too slow, and Ueda gets an idea, pushing Nakamaru’s calf off his shoulder and rolling them over.
“Do it as you want to,” he murmurs, and Nakamaru grips Ueda’s hips even tighter, pushing himself up and straddling Ueda properly.
“Fuck,” Ueda swears as Nakamaru towers over him, slick flushed skin and swollen lips. Nakamaru moans again, and it’s different now that he’s riding Ueda, moving like he wants to, deep rolls that grow stronger and quicker as he finds the right angle to sink down at.
“Yeah, there, more,” he’s whispering, and Ueda presses his heels against the mattress, trying to rock into Nakamaru, hands skating up and down his thighs.
“Tatsuya,” Nakamaru whispers again, and Ueda knows what he wants. He takes Nakamaru’s cock into his hand but goes slow, not wanting this to end this just yet. Nakamaru’s broken words get so filthy Ueda would blush. As it is, he knows he’s sweaty and flushed all the way to his ears from the effort to give Nakamaru what he wants. He’s so focused on him that it comes as a shock when his stomach twists again, his toes curling, and he feels pleasure shooting up his spine. He comes without a warning, deep inside Nakamaru who rides him through his orgasm, messy and almost desperate. He covers Ueda’s hand on his own cock, and finally together, they stroke faster until he comes too, shivering above Ueda then finally lying down on top of him, breathing brokenly and way too fast.
Ueda rubs Nakamaru’s back until the other calms down a little. He regrets it when soon enough, Nakamaru wriggles on top of him.
“I’m so sticky,” he says.
“That is what you’re thinking off?” Ueda wonders, on the verge of falling asleep.
“What are you thinking of then?” Nakamaru asks, almost cross.
“That next time, I want you to suck me off. Preferably while beat boxing.”
Nakamara pinches Ueda’s left side.
“Don’t tell me you never did that.” Ueda is wide awake again.
Nakamaru shakes his head, but it’s so unconvincing when he’s freshly fucked like this and way too smug about himself.
“No one’s buying your prude act now, Yuichi. You’ve just been moaning so filthy I was a little shocked.”
“You liked it,” Nakamaru whispers, stretching to do so right into Ueda’s ear. “Next time, I want to fuck you,” he adds.
“What did I create?” Ueda wonders. Nakamaru only pokes him some more until he has them both up and heading for shower.
~
“I can’t read fanfiction about you and Nakamaru anymore,” Kame whines as he pours himself a glass of wine, acting all dramatic.
“I really do not want to know why that is,” Ueda says dryly, looking at the clock. Nakamaru is late. So is Nishikido.
The moment he thinks it, the doorbell rings and he hurries off to open it. Yuichi has a key, but he promised to ring since he comes bearing a very peculiar guest.
“Hey there,” Nakamaru says, and Ueda forgets himself, leaning in for a kiss. Nakamaru smiles goofily, and Nishikido snorts.
“That’s just so disgustingly cheesy, Ueda. Where’s the booze and Kamenashi?” he asks and passes Ueda, heading straight for his kitchen.
“Just what did you promise him that he’s so eager to see Kame?” Nakamaru asks.
“I do not do any such thing. Tatsuya, I’m never helping you again!” Kame booms from the kitchen.
“Thank god for that,” Ueda sighs. Nakamaru only shakes his head and goes to start on damage control.
“Do you also read about yourself? Are you into role play? I’d like to try that. And then maybe we could, you know, role play what we role played.”
Nishikido is closing in on Kame who looks like he is about to combust.
“I’ll leave you to it then,” Nakamaru says, deciding he actually doesn’t want to know.
“Let them be. I’m hoping in the end, Kame will get some and not only in virtual reality,” Ueda laughs putting his shoes on. He doesn’t like wine anyway.
“Please don’t ever play matchmaker again.” Nakamaru pinches his nose.
“Just returning a favor,” Ueda shrugs and pulls Nakamaru out of the apartment just as they hear a dull thud, as if something hit the table. “He needs to stop imagining us two anyway,” Ueda adds and shuts the door behind them.