(no subject)
Every Mask has its Story PART SIX
Elise
Bear was tired and exhausted. He buttoned up his shirt slowly, thinking to all the words that the doctor had thrown at him. He knew that he had to return tomorrow morning, and would make a few more appointments. All the doctor’s words were in general terms, and were lifeless. Walking towards the window, Steve looked out onto the parking lot. The sun was going down, he had been there all day. A knock on the door made the foreward turn. He saw Brian and Ryan, poking their heads in. Bear tried to smile but his face seemed frozen. Ryan walked in and said, “Hey, Bear...”
“They know nothing.” Steve said, turning back to the window.
“Course not, they’ve gotta do some tests, not tell you anything until they’re 100 percent.” Ryan said, him and his husband each taking a side of Bear, “It’s like calling Toronto.”
Bear smirked, but it soon faded away, “It’s pretty serious.”
“It could be just a tumor, and nothing else. Nothing malignant.” Brian said, “We’ll just wait with you.”
“I go into surgery, at the earliest, thursday. Two days.” Steve dropped his head and said, “And... Marie’s not picking up. She doesn’t know a thing.”
“We’ll reach her, don’t worry.” Ryan said, “Tell us what we need to take care of.”
“I don’t want to die.” Steve said, jaw setting, eyes cold.
Ryan shivered, clearly struggling with the situation. “You won’t. We won’t let you.”
Brian gently stroked Steve’s back. “So you’ve got some tests, do you have to stay the night? Come back in the morning?”
“Morning.” Steve said, “I just... I just want to curl up and go to bed.”
Ryan leaned his head on Bear’s shoulder and said, “We’ve got dinner at home, then bed, or skip dinner.”
“They’re afraid it metastasized.” Bear said, “I don’t know what that means other than spread.”
Brian watched as Ryan turned paler and paler, holding his stomach. Brian took a deep breath, “Let’s just take you home and take it easy.”
“How do I wait?” Steve said, “It’s going to kill me. I’ve gotta call my coach, too...”
Brian gently began to lead Steve from the room. “Come on, let’s go. I know its worthless to say, but you’ve got nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine.”
Steve looked into Brian’s face and smiled in thanks. Ryan shoved his hands into his pockets and followed. Cancer was his worst nightmare.
Ryan’s knuckles were white, gripping his mug of coffee. He sat, knees curled up, staring into the air, eyes unfocused. Brian softly padded down stairs, after putting both Steve and Lindy to bed. Lindy had put up a little fuss, but one stern look from her Papa, sent her to bed without another word. Ryan blinked slowly a few times, his stomach cramped, his shoulders tight. Brian walked over and knelt down by his husband, “Hey, Ryan, speak to me.”
Ryan looked into Brian’s face and gave him a shaky smile. “I don’t know what to say.”
Brian nodded, struggling a bit himself. “I don’t know what to say either. I don’t know what to feel.”
Tilting his head, Ryan sucked in his bottom lip, saying softly, “First, you’re in disbelief. Secondly, you’re afraid, then you get angry... then you feel hopeless...”
“Ryan, stop...” Brian said, shutting his eyes, “Every person is different.”
“But....” Ryan started, “If it’s malignant... and all of that time that he didn’t get it checked.”
“It’s not cancer.” Brian said, “We don’t know anything. He’ll be fine.”
“It’s cancer, Brian, I know it is.” Ryan leaned back shutting his eyes, feeling his breathing quicken.
Brian reached up and took the coffee away, causing Ryan’s hands to flex, and the tremble now noticeable. Brian slid onto the couch and pulled Ryan to him. He whispered into his ear, “He’s not Mattman. He won’t die. I made a promise to you almost ten years ago that I would be honest, truthful, loving and caring. Let me be those things.”
Ryan’s chest seized and Brian recognized it as holding back sobs. Brian rocked Ryan gently. “It’ll be ok.”
Ryan shook his head, feeling hot tears down his face, “It won’t be. It won’t be ok. It’s as if it haunts me.”
“Shh...” Brian said softly, “Don’t do this to yourself.”
Ryan shook his head and said, “I’m so scared that Bear has cancer. I’m terrified.”
“Ryan...” Brian started before being interrupted.
“Don’t tell me to not be scared. You don’t know anything. You don’t know a single thing!” Ryan squirmed from Brian’s grasp and held his head in his hands, “You don’t know.”
Brian sat up, not touching Ryan, but watching him, at least letting him know that he was there. Ryan took a deep breath and said, “I can’t think. I’m going to bed.”
Brian remained silent as he watched Ryan stand up and go towards the upstairs. Once Ryan had left, Brian let out a low growl in frustration, and picked up Ryan’s untouched coffee. He brought it into the kitchen, pouring it down the drain and wished that there was beer in the house. Brian shook his head, immediately feeling bad for wanting that. Ryan didn’t need any more trouble than he was causing himself.
Steve had managed to get a hold of Marie. It wasn’t what he needed. Steve paced the outdoor patio, running a hand through his hair, face red and practically yelling. Brian was driving Lindy to hockey camp and wouldn’t be back for an hour. Ryan sat patiently while Steve yelled into the phone, “I can’t believe you! We’ve been apart for a few weeks, and... and... I’m fucking dying! No, I know that’s not your fault. Dieu!”
Ryan’s eyebrows raised and he sipped his ice tea. He waited as Steve froze, “You’ve been with him longer than three weeks? How long, Marie?”
Steve’s face paled and Ryan looked away, feeling bad that he could hear the conversation, but Steve had asked for Ryan to be near. Steve shook his head and said, voice choking, “I go in tomorrow morning, for surgery, and more tests then. Expect divorce papers.”
Slamming his phone shut, Steve covered his face and Ryan immediately jumped up, wrapping his arms around the man. “You ok, Bear?”
“No!” Steve said, pushing Ryan back, “Marie... she’s coming in a few days, but she’s had a boyfriend for two months now. And I’m dying. I’m dead and loveless.”
Ryan shook slightly and said, “Don’t say that. You’re not dead.”
Shaking like a leaf, Steve sat down and said shakily, “I’m alone, you know.”
Ryan began to shake his head but Steve laughed, harshly, “I should have known. I deserve it all. I was a hot shot. I was big headed. I didn’t deserve the NHL at all.”
“Come on, Steve,” Ryan said, “Stop it. I know things are a bit crazy right now, but we’ll get through it. You just gotta work. You need to focus on getting better, not what Marie is doing, or your worth in the NHL. You’re an incredible player, and a better friend, and probably the best husband.”
“I’m no Brian.” Steve said, lifting his head up, “I can’t be like him. He’s perfect.”
Ryan’s eyes crinkled as he smiled and said, “He’s not perfect, Bear, but he’s damn near close.”
“I want what you have.” Steve said, “I want love, a home, a child. A future.”
“You have a future, Bear, stop saying you don’t have a future!” Ryan’s voice was a bit desperate, and he began to realize that perhaps he wasn’t strong enough to deal with this.
“What would you do? What would you say?” Steve said, “Everything else about you and your life is perfect. What the hell would you do?”
Ryan shook his head, “I’m not perfect.”
“Ferme-la.” Bear said, asking Ryan to shut up, “You don’t see what is right in front of you.”
“What did I do?” Ryan said, approaching Steve in a gentle, non threatening tone.
Steve struggled, twisting in his seat and he said, “You have everything. I’ve got nothing. There is nothing left. I will leave this world with nothing.”
“Steve... that isn’t true. You’re not leaving this world.” Ryan said softly, “Please, hear me when I say that.”
Steve’s shoulders slumped and his eyes filled, “I can’t do this.”
Ryan embraced his friend again and said, “You can, and you won’t do it alone.”
“Will you... go to the doctor’s with me? Be there?” Steve asked.
Ryan nodded, pushing back some of Steve’s bangs, “Of course. Always, Bear. Always.”
Elise
Bear was tired and exhausted. He buttoned up his shirt slowly, thinking to all the words that the doctor had thrown at him. He knew that he had to return tomorrow morning, and would make a few more appointments. All the doctor’s words were in general terms, and were lifeless. Walking towards the window, Steve looked out onto the parking lot. The sun was going down, he had been there all day. A knock on the door made the foreward turn. He saw Brian and Ryan, poking their heads in. Bear tried to smile but his face seemed frozen. Ryan walked in and said, “Hey, Bear...”
“They know nothing.” Steve said, turning back to the window.
“Course not, they’ve gotta do some tests, not tell you anything until they’re 100 percent.” Ryan said, him and his husband each taking a side of Bear, “It’s like calling Toronto.”
Bear smirked, but it soon faded away, “It’s pretty serious.”
“It could be just a tumor, and nothing else. Nothing malignant.” Brian said, “We’ll just wait with you.”
“I go into surgery, at the earliest, thursday. Two days.” Steve dropped his head and said, “And... Marie’s not picking up. She doesn’t know a thing.”
“We’ll reach her, don’t worry.” Ryan said, “Tell us what we need to take care of.”
“I don’t want to die.” Steve said, jaw setting, eyes cold.
Ryan shivered, clearly struggling with the situation. “You won’t. We won’t let you.”
Brian gently stroked Steve’s back. “So you’ve got some tests, do you have to stay the night? Come back in the morning?”
“Morning.” Steve said, “I just... I just want to curl up and go to bed.”
Ryan leaned his head on Bear’s shoulder and said, “We’ve got dinner at home, then bed, or skip dinner.”
“They’re afraid it metastasized.” Bear said, “I don’t know what that means other than spread.”
Brian watched as Ryan turned paler and paler, holding his stomach. Brian took a deep breath, “Let’s just take you home and take it easy.”
“How do I wait?” Steve said, “It’s going to kill me. I’ve gotta call my coach, too...”
Brian gently began to lead Steve from the room. “Come on, let’s go. I know its worthless to say, but you’ve got nothing to worry about. You’ll be fine.”
Steve looked into Brian’s face and smiled in thanks. Ryan shoved his hands into his pockets and followed. Cancer was his worst nightmare.
Ryan’s knuckles were white, gripping his mug of coffee. He sat, knees curled up, staring into the air, eyes unfocused. Brian softly padded down stairs, after putting both Steve and Lindy to bed. Lindy had put up a little fuss, but one stern look from her Papa, sent her to bed without another word. Ryan blinked slowly a few times, his stomach cramped, his shoulders tight. Brian walked over and knelt down by his husband, “Hey, Ryan, speak to me.”
Ryan looked into Brian’s face and gave him a shaky smile. “I don’t know what to say.”
Brian nodded, struggling a bit himself. “I don’t know what to say either. I don’t know what to feel.”
Tilting his head, Ryan sucked in his bottom lip, saying softly, “First, you’re in disbelief. Secondly, you’re afraid, then you get angry... then you feel hopeless...”
“Ryan, stop...” Brian said, shutting his eyes, “Every person is different.”
“But....” Ryan started, “If it’s malignant... and all of that time that he didn’t get it checked.”
“It’s not cancer.” Brian said, “We don’t know anything. He’ll be fine.”
“It’s cancer, Brian, I know it is.” Ryan leaned back shutting his eyes, feeling his breathing quicken.
Brian reached up and took the coffee away, causing Ryan’s hands to flex, and the tremble now noticeable. Brian slid onto the couch and pulled Ryan to him. He whispered into his ear, “He’s not Mattman. He won’t die. I made a promise to you almost ten years ago that I would be honest, truthful, loving and caring. Let me be those things.”
Ryan’s chest seized and Brian recognized it as holding back sobs. Brian rocked Ryan gently. “It’ll be ok.”
Ryan shook his head, feeling hot tears down his face, “It won’t be. It won’t be ok. It’s as if it haunts me.”
“Shh...” Brian said softly, “Don’t do this to yourself.”
Ryan shook his head and said, “I’m so scared that Bear has cancer. I’m terrified.”
“Ryan...” Brian started before being interrupted.
“Don’t tell me to not be scared. You don’t know anything. You don’t know a single thing!” Ryan squirmed from Brian’s grasp and held his head in his hands, “You don’t know.”
Brian sat up, not touching Ryan, but watching him, at least letting him know that he was there. Ryan took a deep breath and said, “I can’t think. I’m going to bed.”
Brian remained silent as he watched Ryan stand up and go towards the upstairs. Once Ryan had left, Brian let out a low growl in frustration, and picked up Ryan’s untouched coffee. He brought it into the kitchen, pouring it down the drain and wished that there was beer in the house. Brian shook his head, immediately feeling bad for wanting that. Ryan didn’t need any more trouble than he was causing himself.
Steve had managed to get a hold of Marie. It wasn’t what he needed. Steve paced the outdoor patio, running a hand through his hair, face red and practically yelling. Brian was driving Lindy to hockey camp and wouldn’t be back for an hour. Ryan sat patiently while Steve yelled into the phone, “I can’t believe you! We’ve been apart for a few weeks, and... and... I’m fucking dying! No, I know that’s not your fault. Dieu!”
Ryan’s eyebrows raised and he sipped his ice tea. He waited as Steve froze, “You’ve been with him longer than three weeks? How long, Marie?”
Steve’s face paled and Ryan looked away, feeling bad that he could hear the conversation, but Steve had asked for Ryan to be near. Steve shook his head and said, voice choking, “I go in tomorrow morning, for surgery, and more tests then. Expect divorce papers.”
Slamming his phone shut, Steve covered his face and Ryan immediately jumped up, wrapping his arms around the man. “You ok, Bear?”
“No!” Steve said, pushing Ryan back, “Marie... she’s coming in a few days, but she’s had a boyfriend for two months now. And I’m dying. I’m dead and loveless.”
Ryan shook slightly and said, “Don’t say that. You’re not dead.”
Shaking like a leaf, Steve sat down and said shakily, “I’m alone, you know.”
Ryan began to shake his head but Steve laughed, harshly, “I should have known. I deserve it all. I was a hot shot. I was big headed. I didn’t deserve the NHL at all.”
“Come on, Steve,” Ryan said, “Stop it. I know things are a bit crazy right now, but we’ll get through it. You just gotta work. You need to focus on getting better, not what Marie is doing, or your worth in the NHL. You’re an incredible player, and a better friend, and probably the best husband.”
“I’m no Brian.” Steve said, lifting his head up, “I can’t be like him. He’s perfect.”
Ryan’s eyes crinkled as he smiled and said, “He’s not perfect, Bear, but he’s damn near close.”
“I want what you have.” Steve said, “I want love, a home, a child. A future.”
“You have a future, Bear, stop saying you don’t have a future!” Ryan’s voice was a bit desperate, and he began to realize that perhaps he wasn’t strong enough to deal with this.
“What would you do? What would you say?” Steve said, “Everything else about you and your life is perfect. What the hell would you do?”
Ryan shook his head, “I’m not perfect.”
“Ferme-la.” Bear said, asking Ryan to shut up, “You don’t see what is right in front of you.”
“What did I do?” Ryan said, approaching Steve in a gentle, non threatening tone.
Steve struggled, twisting in his seat and he said, “You have everything. I’ve got nothing. There is nothing left. I will leave this world with nothing.”
“Steve... that isn’t true. You’re not leaving this world.” Ryan said softly, “Please, hear me when I say that.”
Steve’s shoulders slumped and his eyes filled, “I can’t do this.”
Ryan embraced his friend again and said, “You can, and you won’t do it alone.”
“Will you... go to the doctor’s with me? Be there?” Steve asked.
Ryan nodded, pushing back some of Steve’s bangs, “Of course. Always, Bear. Always.”