Gay Monogamous Relationships? Why so Rare?

[fenrix]

For the longest time I've been leaning toward finding myself a monogamous relationship (when I haven't been trying to run from interested people at least). Honestly though, I'm finding it very difficult to even find anyone else who's looking for that. Why are monogamous relationships so rare? When I do find someone who might be interested in one

Comments

[andragon]

I'm a bad one to put input, but I'm going to try.
I think a lot of people just jump right in without looking. It may lead to the "failures" of relationships. Plus I think a lot of people don't know what they want. Hence the "lies" and the "cheating."
But I do think that's it's possible for gay men to have long term monogamous relationships. They both have to want it and work for it...

[fenrix]

Yeah, true on that. It seems like most of them are people jumping into something they're not prepared for. I've known a few who have managed it, not many though. It's hard to find people willing to work for it though, I've noticed.

[xoagray]

[fenrix]

Seven years is pretty decent, yeah :) Yeah, a limited open relationship is more something I would be interested in, and probably would be the most stable honestly. It's pretty hard to find people who can make a closed relationship work. Honestly, monogamy seems to an extent, something more necessary in straight relationships than gay, when thinking about it a bit. But then you have the problems of people pushing their way in, working to steal one from the other.

[xoagray]

[ahsha]

It's against human nature to settle down. It's human nature to try and sow seeds as far afield as possible and spread the genetic diversity. Monogamy is a cultural/social/religious creation.

I've been with my BF for just shy of 9 years now. Neither of us is a paragon of virtue and other parties have been involved, but we're still together - somehow. I would attribute this to talking things out, at the time or in advance. Sure, such blunt and honest talks can get messy, but it means ground rules are set and people are less likely to be hurt if things are agreed upon.

Taking the attitude of blunt and honest talks to other things like discussions with friends, it might be embarassing at times, but it helps me. Everyone ends up knowing where they all stand and what's going on. It's proven very useful for me and my close friends respect me for having such talks with them.

[fenrix]

Wow, 9 years? that's pretty impressive O.o Think that's the most I've heard from anyone. It sounds like you've found some solutions that work for you though, that's pretty cool. Monogamy makes more sense in a straight relationship than a gay one honestly, where you have to consider the stability of the environment for children, which a open relationship could damage.

[fenrix]

Yeah, a limited open relationship would seem to be the most stable out of all relationships, though when considering a monogamous, you have less drama of outside people trying to tear things apart. It's definitely stuff that needs to be thought through quite a bit, and it's not something consider when getting involved. They just do, without talking over each other honestly what they really want from a relationship.

True regarding the straight and gay relationships.. I hadn't thought about that, but everything about society is keeping straight people together while driving gays apart. It's just surprising that so few gay relationships work because of that. Lately I've just been trying to figure out how I want to proceed in regards to a relationship. I've just been idly worried that something I was doing was pushing us apart.

[khyle]

I definitely hear you there on this Baja, and Fenrix I totally understand where you are going about being in a monogamous relationship. Personally that is what I am looking for myself but yea it does seem the whole "gay" and / or "furry" thing with relationships almost seems like just a round about whirlwind of in and out relationships...

Long-term sometimes is not what people are always thinking about, though in my opinion people should take the time to really figure things out. It would save a lot of heart ache and pain on all parties involved. Sometimes I think it is that people do not know what it is they want. Some people are just not willing to make things work and that is where it hurts the most.

I wish that society would finally just stop... :/ People need to be more accepting in general.

[fenrix]

I see what you're saying there Khyle, definitely. I've not paid much attention to gay relationships, but furry definitely has a lot of problems with short relationships. It saddens me to see people completely unwilling to even try to make something work. They see someone they want more, and jump to the next, distancing themself from their previous. I know for certain a lot of them don't know what they want. They think they want something, get close to someone, then find out it's not really what they want and end up hurting someone else in the process (I've gotten bitten by this a few times too many).

[donryu]

It's unfortunate but people only seem to operate on that one level

[fenrix]

yeah, sad as it is, most people do work on only that level. Well, the furry aspect I'm slowly trying to decide on that as well. I dunno if I want to continue trying to find a relationship in the fandom, with how things seem in it honestly. Most people don't seem to want to work that hard in a relationship. A lot of people move from one to the next, treating them as a hobby, as you said. It seems especially true of younger people I've noticed. Which is why I tend to avoid people under at least 25 (prefer to find someone closer to mine, but that's seeming increasingly unlikely) as well. I've been feeling rather jaded lately because of my last relationship. Every time anyone tries to get close to me I tend to avoid them now