Consent in SM and Sideways

[angryjanedoe]

x-posted from my own journal.

I met a man in a bar who told me he was in an abusive relationship. His girlfriend was beating him, throwing him down stairs, locking him in the basement, and burning him. He was afraid to go back because he thought that she would kill him.

Then I noticed that while we were talking, he was rubbing his dick and I

Comments

[tokio]

This is incredibly well-written. I think the ladies and gentleman over at vaginapagina would very much enjoy to read this.

I'm appalled by this man's behavior. Naively, I live in a world where I choose to keep the company of people who seek and desire reciprocation. It's always strange to be knocked out of this headspace, to know that people as intelligent, sentient, vivid as me are also out there taking advantage of others. Everyone does it to an extent, so why am I so disgusted that there ARE people who take it so much further by doing this for sexual pleasure?

[angryjanedoe]

Thank you -- I think I'll crosspost it.

There's a long history of people using other people for sexual pleasure without their consent. I think feminists have done a good job of calling out that sort of crap.

But the thing that I don't think we address enough (or call out enough?)is when people do similar things for *romantic* pleasure. We let this idea of "romance" go uninterrogated because don't want to give up the fantasy of romance. I'd like to see romance follow some of the rules of SM, actually.

Me, I'll take honest living and fucking over romance any day. Ironically, now that I've started to live that choice, I find I have more honest connections than I did before. Who knew there were rewards (and real romance!) in such unexpected encounters?

[tokio]

Personally, I've never been preoccupied with idealized romantic preconceptions. I find that, just like yourself, the relationships I do have are enriched for the lack of expectations. Unfortunately, many people confuse "lack of expectations" with "lack of standards," and that's when things begin to fall apart

[angryjanedoe]

I hope so too.

The romance I'm thinking about is less about regulating sexuality (although plenty of that goes on in the name of "tradition" and "romance," which is ironic, since so much of it derives from marriage as a property arrangement) than about the fantasies of romantic resolution. It makes women (me included) tell ourselves stories that render us vulnerable to the sort of bullshit I'm describing here. And now that I think more, it also reveals the way some men are romantic too, but often it's a romance without responsibility.

OK, this is all too much for a comment box -- I'll have to mull it over more properly and write a proper post about it.

I'm friending you -- I hope that's ok. Selfishly, I'd love to know what you think of the rest of my manifesta.

[nemogbr]

Good article. THanks for posting.

I've met people who are the same, but I could never articulate what they were doing.

[cissa]

Very insightful, and thanks for posting this.