Consent in SM and Sideways

[angryjanedoe]

x-posted from my own journal.

I met a man in a bar who told me he was in an abusive relationship. His girlfriend was beating him, throwing him down stairs, locking him in the basement, and burning him. He was afraid to go back because he thought that she would kill him.

Then I noticed that while we were talking, he was rubbing his dick and I

Comments

[tokio]

Personally, I've never been preoccupied with idealized romantic preconceptions. I find that, just like yourself, the relationships I do have are enriched for the lack of expectations. Unfortunately, many people confuse "lack of expectations" with "lack of standards," and that's when things begin to fall apart.

In defense of feminism and the sexual health trend, I have noticed more people calling out romanticism of misogynistic ideas. The one I see under attack the most right now is, "A woman's first time should be painful and her sexual worth depends on this, otherwise she is missing out on one of life's primary rites de passage for women." The other one I see attacked the most is that one's "sister," so to speak, the concept of virginity in a patriarchal and otherwise sex-dominated society as it applies to males vs. females and how there is no medical distinction for a male who has lost his virginity.

I do consider these so-called romantic ideals outdated and, personally, far from romantic, so I think there IS a huge shift in the feminist approach right now. It has gone from attacking fundamental beliefs improperly based in science, sociology, and psychology, and now the mores and traditions (which people always revert back to the most vehemently during times of economic crisis or otherwise unstable times) of our culture are being picked apart. So, while there are just as many people trying to put out the feminist fire than fan them on these particular issues, when fabric is being unraveled it's only a matter of time before it's a piece of string again.

Or, at least, that's what I'm hoping.

[angryjanedoe]

I hope so too.

The romance I'm thinking about is less about regulating sexuality (although plenty of that goes on in the name of "tradition" and "romance," which is ironic, since so much of it derives from marriage as a property arrangement) than about the fantasies of romantic resolution. It makes women (me included) tell ourselves stories that render us vulnerable to the sort of bullshit I'm describing here. And now that I think more, it also reveals the way some men are romantic too, but often it's a romance without responsibility.

OK, this is all too much for a comment box -- I'll have to mull it over more properly and write a proper post about it.

I'm friending you -- I hope that's ok. Selfishly, I'd love to know what you think of the rest of my manifesta.