Fic: The Fire Within, Chapter 8. Au Human. Liam/Spike. NC-17
I've been trying to post this for over an hour and people keep bothering me. Well ok, so the last one was my sis and we had a lively and interesting discussion about the WWII, gay movies and things that pose as art but are actually crap. Fun. We don't talk nearly enough, the 15 year age difference is probably a bit at fault but I blame myself as well. She's a nice girl and we should know each other better. [ETA. WTF is up with my spelling? *facepalm* Hopefully I caught them all.]
Anyway, here is the next chapter of this. It's a long one. Enjoy!
Title: The Fire Within, chapter 8
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Liam/Spike
Rating: NC-17
Author's note: The pendant mentioned is actually based on one I gave hubby oh so many years ago. I should take a pic for you so you could see how beautiful it is. Also there might be a Coupling reference in this. Cookie for the first who spots it.
Previous chapters are here
The Fire Within, Chapter 8
“You all right there, Willie boy?”
Spike glanced up from his styrofoam cup, giving Lindsey a cautious smile. The verdict was still undecided on that one. He hadn’t really given Spike any grief yet, except for a couple of dirty grins and rude hand gestures, but the whole redneck thing he got going put Spike on edge. He wasn’t the prejudiced kind but he’d had enough run-ins with the like of Lindsey MacDonald to expect the worst.
“Dandy. Thanks for asking.” He shot a look back at the morning crowd filling Starbucks, wondering how bloody long it could take to get that froufrou coffee drink Kate always ordered.
“Just you look a bit tired. Busy weekend?” The suggestive leer was obvious.
Spike held back rolling his eyes. Why on earth straight people seemed to think that all gay men spent every free minute partying and fucking was above his understanding. “You could say that.”
“Bet it was.”
Lindsey grinned and took a sip from his own cup. Black, no sugar. Spike still remembered what most of them preferred after having been sent on endless coffee runs his first week, until he told them he might be a rookie but that didn’t mean he was their fucking maid so “you get your own bloody coffee from now on, you lazy arse wankers.” He still occasionally picked up a cup for someone, a non-obtrusive friendly gesture, since it had long been proved that the way to a cop’s heart was through his caffeine-starved stomach. And he needed all the points he could gather without being anyone’s doormat.
“Heard you took Liam to lunch.”
Spike stilled, then took his time swallowing a mouthful of coffee before glancing up as casually as he could master. “The least I could do.”
Lindsey nodded. “Yeah. He got pretty banged up, right? Heard he’s off work for some weeks.” He stood quiet for a while, picking at the edge of his cup. “Did he tell you about…? There was this kid. You look just like him.”
Spike frowned. They’d been working in the same division for weeks. Why was Lindsey bringing this up now? “Kate told me.”
“Maybe he was your long lost cousin or something. Looking just like you and being bent and all.”
This time Spike almost did roll his eyes but instead he gave a solemn nod. “Probably. It runs in families, you know. My dad was a queer and his dad was a queer and my whole maternal line is like a lesbian inferno.”
Lindsey stared at him with a blank expression on his face and then suddenly he burst out laughing, slapping his thigh in amusement. “Fuck, boy. You really had me there.” He punched Spike’s arm playfully. “I like you. You’re all right.”
Spike quirked his eyebrow, still not quite convinced. “Thank you. You’re not too bad yourself for a redneck.”
“There now, no need to be impolite.” Lindsey winked. “I’m plenty bad, I’ll let you know.”
“Yeah, Linds. You’re totally evil.” Kate grinned and handed Spike a cinnamon bagel, warm from the oven. So that’s why it took so long. “You should have been a lawyer.”
“Suits aren’t really my style, sugar.” He smirked. “Unless you’re hot for hang nooses, then I’m sure I could…” He licked his lips and mimicked straightening a necktie.
“In your wildest dreams, cowboy.” But she was still smiling, stance easy, and Spike could feel himself relaxing. If Kate liked someone they were usually all right.
“We were just talking about Liam. Will here took him out for lunch.”
Kate looked at him in surprise. “You didn’t tell me that.”
Spike shrugged. “Just wanted to thank him.”
“Good for you. I’m just surprised he said yes. Keeps to himself mostly. All work and no play, that man.”
“I guess he was hungry.”
She nodded and turned to Lindsey, engaging him in conversation about some football game and Spike zoned out, thinking about Liam. He’d woken up on Sunday morning with a text message waiting, saying Liam was going to hang out at Gunn’s, he was invited to dinner as well, so no need for Spike to come over. It was an obvious if polite brush off and he was still contemplating how he felt about it.
It was probably a good thing. The last thing he needed was getting involved with a closet case. He’d give Liam a call tonight, just to make sure he was all right, but if Liam didn’t want to see him then that was it. He wasn’t about to force his friendship upon someone who didn’t want it. Even if that someone was as gorgeous and interesting as Liam.
To be frank, the man had issues far beyond what Spike was ready to tackle. Not just the whole closet thing but the guilt about Billy’s death and the drinking and the depression and…
The memory of Liam’s fist around his cock, his fingers and then his dick thrusting into Spike’s arse flashed by and he almost choked on his coffee.
“You all right?” Kate slapped his back, looking at him with concern.
“Ye-eah.” He coughed, waving his hand dismissively. “Coffee. Wrong way.”
“Huh. I’d think you’d be used to swallowing.”
Spike glared at Lindsey, who was blinking innocently, then took in the horrified expression on Kate’s face and grinned. “Well, you know what they say is the difference between liking and loving, mate.”
Lindsey smirked. “If you love someone, you swallow?”
“If you love someone you buy them proper coffee and not piss like this. What were you talking about?”
Now it was his time to blink innocently and Lindsey laughed again, shaking his head.
Kate just looked from one to the other in confusion before rolling her eyes and taking a big bite out of her bagel. Men. Who knew what went on inside those peanut brains of theirs?
Spike smiled and banished all thoughts of Liam from his head. Didn’t pay to be distracted on the job. He’d have plenty of time to mull over it when his shift was over. They chatted a while longer and then parted, having made plans to meet up for a beer after work. Spike nodded his farewell to Lindsey and walked with Kate to the car. See, he was making friends. Didn’t need no brooding fireman.
--------------------------
Liam sat on the couch, staring into space. The TV flickered in front of him but he wasn’t watching, hadn’t even glanced at it for the last half hour. Suddenly he stood up and walked into the bedroom, opened the closet and pulled out an old shoebox. He stood weighing it in his hands for a moment before carrying it back into the living room and sitting down on the couch, box in his lap. He took a deep breath and then slowly lifted the lid.
Billy’s happy face smiled up at him. The sun caught in the blond hair and Liam thought he could see clouds reflected in Billy’s blue eyes. A few freckles were sprinkled across his nose, further proof that this had been taken during the summer since they always disappeared over the winter time. He was wearing blue jeans, a red t-shirt and the gold pendant Liam had given him on their second anniversary. It was a small square, rough surfaced and engraved with a picture of an oak tree on the front and their anniversary date on the back. August 19th, 1999. No names, just in case. Not that he’d told Billy that and Billy had been too happy about the gift to question anything.
“It’s us. Strong as an oak, right? I love it, Lee.” Blinding Liam with his smile. “I love you. Thank you.”
Liam briefly closed his eyes and then took the frame out of the box, putting it aside. Underneath were two albums and he picked up the older one, marked 1999-2002, flipping slowly through it. Billy had loved taking pictures, something that had rubbed off on Liam and what started as mostly pictures of Liam changed gradually into almost exclusively pictures of Billy.
Drinking a beer while slouching on the same couch as Liam was now sitting on, t-shirt riding up to expose his belly. Sitting on the window sill, right over there, reading. Lying sleeping on the grass in the park, his freckled nose and long eyelashes casting shadows over his cheek. Putting on a ridiculous Chippendale pose in his uniform, grin splitting his face. Doubled over with laughter a few seconds later. Rubbing sleep out of his eyes on a Sunday morning. His birthday. The vacation they took in Florida. Caught in mid-air jumping into a lake up in Minnesota. Caught off guard glancing over his shoulder, eyes red-rimmed and glittering. Liam didn’t know why he’d taken that one.
Liam closed the album and picked up the other, 2002-. There were only a dozen pictures in it and very few smiles. It had been so obvious. After. Just looking at those pictures even a child could have seen the change. But not Liam. Oh no. He’d been too busy being Liam the fire fighter, Liam the hero, to have time being Liam the friend, Liam the lover.
Billy suddenly starting to go out at all times had pissed Liam off. He’d accused Bill of surfing the clubs, looking for cheap thrills and Billy had thrown back that at least he went out, at least he wasn’t afraid to be seen.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I’m not fucking them, Lee, I’m just talking.”
“You can talk to me.”
“It’s not enough.”
Sometimes he’d waken up to Billy crying, his face pushed into the pillow to muffle the sound and he’d just laid there, listening, hardly daring to breathe, waiting until the sounds died away and were replaced with Billy’s even breathing. Blocking out the memory the next morning and acting like nothing happened. Then one day…
“I want to invite my parents over. To stay for the weekend.”
“What?”
“My parents. I want them to get to know you.”
“Have you lost your mind? You can’t do that.”
“Why? I want them to know. I’m ready.”
“Ready? Ready to do what? Ruin our lives?”
“Not ruin. Live. Live our lives.”
“Well, that’s just great. Let’s just throw it all away. Our jobs, our friends, our fucking families. Because you’re ready.”
“Liam…”
“No. Fuck you, Billy. You don’t get to decide this on your own.”
“Well, neither do you.”
“I swear, if you tell anyone... You hear me, Billy? You hear me?”
Door slamming.
Silence.
Liam jerked awake at the shrill sound of the phone ringing. He blinked and raised his fingers to his face, stroking down his cheek. They came away wet. Huh. The phone rang again and he abruptly stood up, the album falling open on the floor.
“Hello?” His voice was rough, and he cleared his throat. “Who is it?”
“Liam? It’s Spike.” The voice sounded tired. “Just wanted to see if-“
“I’m fine. Thank you.”
There was a pause on the line and Liam gripped the phone harder. It’s not worth it. It’s not…
“Okay. Whatever you say, mate. You have my phone number if you ever want to…” The voice trailed off. “Right. Anyway, it was nice knowing you. Guess I’ll see you around.”
“Spike, wait.” His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt slightly nauseous. “I still owe you that beer.”
There was a sigh from the other end. “You don’t have to…” Pause. “All right. When?”
Now. Right now. My head is filled with ghosts and I can’t breathe when I’m alone.
“Whenever. Not like I’m doing anything.”
“Friday?”
Silence.
“Or sooner?”
“You doing anything right now?”
Pause. “No, not really. You want me to come over?”
“If you like.”
“Liam…” There was that sigh again. “All right. I’ll be there in five.” Click.
Liam put the phone slowly down and wiped his palms on his sweats. He caught his face in the hallway mirror and the eyes staring back at him were dark and wide. Frightened. What was he doing?
Taking a deep breath he walked into the bedroom and stripped off his sweats and t, replacing them with clean jeans and a long sleeved, soft, dark blue t-shirt he’d found at the bottom of his laundry basket. He hadn’t worn it for months and it clearly showed how much weight he’d lost. Still looked good on him. It brought out the darkness in his eyes and showed off the muscles in his arms and shoulders. It had been one of Billy’s favourites.
He needed a haircut but he’d shaved that morning and over all he looked better than he had in weeks.
The doorbell rang and he jogged to the intercom to buzz Spike in. It didn’t work half the time, which was why Gunn usually used his key downstairs and just knocked on the door to his apartment. Maybe he should get Spike one too. If they were gonna keep seeing each other. In whatever sense of the word.
He listened for Spike’s steps and opened the door just when he was about to knock.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
Spike looked slightly taken aback, eyeing him with a look Liam couldn’t recall seeing there before. A cautious and slightly wary look, as if he was on guard about something.
“Thanks for coming.”
“You look good. Better, I mean.” The wary look went away and Spike smiled. “Smell better too.”
“Hey!” He tried to look indignant but it felt so good to see that smile again that he hardly bothered. “Well, all right. I did some laundry. That probably helped.”
“I’d say.” Spike ran his eyes over him and Liam could feel himself blushing. “That colour suits you.”
Liam smiled. “You being charming again?”
“I don’t know.” Spike pursed his lips. “Is my accent pronounced?”
“Not really.”
“Then I guess not.” He winked and tilted his head. “You gonna let me in or what?”
“Oh. Yeah. Sure.” Liam awkwardly took a step back, unable to keep from inhaling when Spike passed him by. Spike smelled of beer and autumn and a touch of smoke.
“How you been?”
Liam closed the door slowly before turning around, a smile plastered on his face. “Good. Sorry about yesterday. Gunn insisted.”
“No problem.” Spike took off his jacket and hung it up on the stand by the door. “His girlfriend doing all right?”
“Yeah.” Liam smiled at the memory of Fred grabbing his hand and putting it on her belly. That baby was going to be one hell of a soccer player. “Big as a house, not that anyone dares to tell her that. Getting tired of waiting for the baby.”
Spike nodded. “When is she due?”
“In a couple of weeks. Might induce her sooner.” Liam waved two fingers and smiled. “Twins.”
“Oh. Really?” Spike tilted his head, watching him. “Sounds like Gunn’s gonna have his hands full.”
Liam paused, his smile faltering. He hadn’t thought of that. “Guess so.” They hardly saw each other as it was, since Liam hadn’t been to work and Gunn was bound to Fred’s side in his free time. And once the baby came…
“Well, if you ever need someone to share a beer with…” Spike gave him a smile and he swallowed the lump in his throat.
“Thanks. Speaking of which…” He started walking to the kitchen, then paused and looked back. “I’m having one”
“Okay.” Spike’s face was blank.
He could feel his defences building up again. “I can, you know, without getting drunk.”
“I’m sure you can.”
“I’m not an alcoholic.”
“I never said you were and besides, it’s non of my business, Liam.” Spike gave him a smile and he nodded before continuing into the kitchen.
As soon as he walked in the picture of Billy stared back at him from the fridge and he did a double take. Shit. Hurrying back into the living room he stopped in his tracks. Spike was standing by the couch, looking down at the open album lying on the floor. It was the page with the last pictures Liam had taken of Billy and he didn’t need to step closer to know what Spike was seeing.
“Don’t.”
Spike looked up. His face was unreadable, eyes guarded, upper lip caught between his teeth.
“I was just… When you called… I should have put them away.”
“Why?” Spike bent down to pick up the album and Liam almost rushed forward to shove him away. No one had seen those. Not even Gunn. “They’re beautiful. You take them?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve got real talent.” Spike stroke one finger over the glossy surface. “You’ve captured his sadness perfectly.”
Liam froze. “You… you see it?”
“Well, yeah.” Spike frowned. “I mean, it’s obv-“ He looked up and stopped. Blinked. “You didn’t.” It wasn’t a question.
Liam swallowed. “No. I didn’t. Not until it was too late.”
“He was depressed.” Again, not a question. “And you blame yourself for not noticing.”
“Yes.”
Spike nodded slowly. “I can understand that.” He lowered his eyes again, turning the pages. “He was beautiful, charming. Had a great boyfriend. Why should he be depressed?”
“He had a lousy boyfriend.” A fucking bastard of a coward.
Spike glanced up at him. “You think so now, but you didn’t then. To you he had no reason to be depressed. No more than anyone else in your situation. Men and women live like this all over the world. Private, secluded, keeping to themselves so that people won’t interfere. Why would you be any different?”
“Because…” Liam stopped. Fuck. I can’t do this. “Can we drop it? I’m not really in a sharing and caring mood.”
Spike stood still for a moment and then he nodded, putting the album back down. Liam hurried over and scooped both albums and the frame up and into the shoebox, putting the lid on firmly, all the while avoiding Spike’s eyes.
“I’m just gonna put this…” His voice trailed off and he gave a small nod before taking the box with him into the bedroom, feeling Spike’s eyes burning a hole in the back of his neck.
“How about those beers?” he yelled, congratulating himself on the steadiness of his voice.
“Sure.” Spike’s voice was crystal clear and Liam turned around to find him standing in the doorway, watching him. “Only one though. Already had a couple at the pub and I’ve got work tomorrow.”
“Yeah?” He kept his voice casual, forcing his way past Spike and into the kitchen. “You go with Kate?”
“Yeah. Kate and this bloke Lindsey and his partner Faith. Nice people. Odd, but nice.”
Liam slowly straightened up, two beers clutched between his fingers. “You went with Lindsey?” He closed the fridge, eyes locked on Billy’s picture.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Nothing. Just didn’t take him for the type.”
“Type for what? Having a pint? Huh. He seemed to like it well enough.”
Liam turned around. “You know that’s not what I meant.” He handed Spike one beer and twisted the cap of his own, scowling.
“I know.” Spike was watching him with an exasperated look on his face. “You’re such a bigot, you know that?”
Liam blinked. “What?”
“You put people into boxes. Gay here, straight there. To be kept separate at all cost.”
“That’s not true.” He could feel himself getting angry again.
“No? You can’t see why Lindsey, a straight redneck, would want to socialize with me, a gay… whatever it is you see me as. Worlds collide. The Apocalypse is upon us!” Spike threw up his hands in a dramatic gesture, rolling his eyes for emphasis.
“Shut the fuck up. I know him, all right? He’s all tough guy.” Liam took a sip from the bottle, swallowing in anger. “Nothing but pussy this and fuck that. If he knew I were gay he’d be the first to turn his back on me.”
Spike shook his head. “You’re totally paranoid, pet. He’d give you shit about it, yeah. Probably call you a fag and a queer and offer to walk your sweet little girly arse home. But…” Spike locked eyes with him, his face turning serious. “He’d do it with a grin, then buy you a beer and if anyone else gave you grief he’d knock their teeth in.”
“Yeah, right.” Now it was Liam’s turn to roll his eyes. “I’ve known that guy for years, Spike. You’ve known him what? A couple of weeks? Days? What makes you think you’re an expert on…”
“The fact that he’s right now nursing an impressive black eye and very bruised knuckles after we ran into your mate Larry outside the bar.”
Liam froze. “What?” He took a step closer, paling slightly. “Are you okay?”
Spike’s smile faltered and he looked away. “Yeah. He hardly even touched me. Didn’t get the chance. Just grabbed my arm and started dragging me into the alley and the next thing I knew he was being slammed into the wall, getting the shit knocked out of him.” He grinned. “It was bloody priceless.”
Liam tried to fight down the rage rushing through his veins. “I told him to leave you the fuck alone.”
“I guess he didn’t listen.” Spike shrugged.
“That fucking son of a bitch.” Liam slammed the beer down on the kitchen table and stalked to the door, reaching for his jacket.
“Whoa. Easy there.” Spike ran after him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. “I think he’s learned his lesson. Considering he’s getting his nose reset, probably as we speak. And it wouldn’t surprise me if he needed quite a few stitches.”
“I don’t fucking care.” Liam wrenched his arm free, hands trembling with anger. “I’m gonna smash his stupid skull in, that fucking asshole.”
“You know, even if it’s quite sexy that whole caveman thing you’ve got going, I’d rather we just had the beer.” Spike leaned against the door, his hand resting on the knob. “All right?”
Liam stood still, breathing heavily, then his shoulders slumped and he reluctantly took off his jacket and hung it back up. “Ok. Fine” He scowled. “I’m still gonna kick his ass next time I see him.”
“Of course you are, luv.” Spike smiled and pushed himself off the door, before walking into the kitchen to fetch Liam’s beer. “Gotta reinstate your status as alpha male. Can’t let him get away with not following your orders.”
“It’s not funny,” Liam growled.
Spike’s eyes turned serious. “I know. I can’t say I like it but I’m not gonna argue with you. It’s your decision. As long as you’re not doing it for me.” He grinned again. “I’m a lover, not a fighter, baby.”
Liam could feel himself relaxing, the smile slipping back to his lips. “Quoting Michael Jackson? Now I see why people keep wanting to beat you up.”
“Haha. Funny.” Spike slapped him across the head. “Come on. Let’s see what’s on the telly.” He walked over to the couch and sat down, patting the space beside him. “If you’re good I’ll let you put your head in my lap.”
Liam grinned and walked over, picking up the remote. “And if I’m bad?”
“Then I’ll put my feet in yours. And I’ve been wearing these socks all day.” He winked and wrinkled his nose.
Liam laughed and without thinking reached out and ruffled Spike’s hair. Then quickly pulled back and blushed when he realised what he was doing. Spike just gazed up at him with sparkling eyes, smile bright and relaxed.
“You’re just gonna stand there or what?” Spike patted the seat beside him again. “Sit down.”
They sat in silence for a while, sipping beer and watching an old Friends episode. Liam glanced at Spike. The split in his lip was healing, the bruises across his nose and on his cheek turning yellow.
“You sure you’re all right? He really didn’t hurt you?”
Spike turned his head, his eyes calm and deep like the ocean. “Yes, I’m sure. I’m all right.” He turned back to the TV, eyes fixated on the screen. “We’re all right, Liam.”
Liam let out a breath he hadn’t realise he’d been holding. “Good. That’s good.”
On the screen smiling faces bantered and laughed.
Continued here
Anyway, here is the next chapter of this. It's a long one. Enjoy!
Title: The Fire Within, chapter 8
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Liam/Spike
Rating: NC-17
Author's note: The pendant mentioned is actually based on one I gave hubby oh so many years ago. I should take a pic for you so you could see how beautiful it is. Also there might be a Coupling reference in this. Cookie for the first who spots it.
Previous chapters are here
The Fire Within, Chapter 8
“You all right there, Willie boy?”
Spike glanced up from his styrofoam cup, giving Lindsey a cautious smile. The verdict was still undecided on that one. He hadn’t really given Spike any grief yet, except for a couple of dirty grins and rude hand gestures, but the whole redneck thing he got going put Spike on edge. He wasn’t the prejudiced kind but he’d had enough run-ins with the like of Lindsey MacDonald to expect the worst.
“Dandy. Thanks for asking.” He shot a look back at the morning crowd filling Starbucks, wondering how bloody long it could take to get that froufrou coffee drink Kate always ordered.
“Just you look a bit tired. Busy weekend?” The suggestive leer was obvious.
Spike held back rolling his eyes. Why on earth straight people seemed to think that all gay men spent every free minute partying and fucking was above his understanding. “You could say that.”
“Bet it was.”
Lindsey grinned and took a sip from his own cup. Black, no sugar. Spike still remembered what most of them preferred after having been sent on endless coffee runs his first week, until he told them he might be a rookie but that didn’t mean he was their fucking maid so “you get your own bloody coffee from now on, you lazy arse wankers.” He still occasionally picked up a cup for someone, a non-obtrusive friendly gesture, since it had long been proved that the way to a cop’s heart was through his caffeine-starved stomach. And he needed all the points he could gather without being anyone’s doormat.
“Heard you took Liam to lunch.”
Spike stilled, then took his time swallowing a mouthful of coffee before glancing up as casually as he could master. “The least I could do.”
Lindsey nodded. “Yeah. He got pretty banged up, right? Heard he’s off work for some weeks.” He stood quiet for a while, picking at the edge of his cup. “Did he tell you about…? There was this kid. You look just like him.”
Spike frowned. They’d been working in the same division for weeks. Why was Lindsey bringing this up now? “Kate told me.”
“Maybe he was your long lost cousin or something. Looking just like you and being bent and all.”
This time Spike almost did roll his eyes but instead he gave a solemn nod. “Probably. It runs in families, you know. My dad was a queer and his dad was a queer and my whole maternal line is like a lesbian inferno.”
Lindsey stared at him with a blank expression on his face and then suddenly he burst out laughing, slapping his thigh in amusement. “Fuck, boy. You really had me there.” He punched Spike’s arm playfully. “I like you. You’re all right.”
Spike quirked his eyebrow, still not quite convinced. “Thank you. You’re not too bad yourself for a redneck.”
“There now, no need to be impolite.” Lindsey winked. “I’m plenty bad, I’ll let you know.”
“Yeah, Linds. You’re totally evil.” Kate grinned and handed Spike a cinnamon bagel, warm from the oven. So that’s why it took so long. “You should have been a lawyer.”
“Suits aren’t really my style, sugar.” He smirked. “Unless you’re hot for hang nooses, then I’m sure I could…” He licked his lips and mimicked straightening a necktie.
“In your wildest dreams, cowboy.” But she was still smiling, stance easy, and Spike could feel himself relaxing. If Kate liked someone they were usually all right.
“We were just talking about Liam. Will here took him out for lunch.”
Kate looked at him in surprise. “You didn’t tell me that.”
Spike shrugged. “Just wanted to thank him.”
“Good for you. I’m just surprised he said yes. Keeps to himself mostly. All work and no play, that man.”
“I guess he was hungry.”
She nodded and turned to Lindsey, engaging him in conversation about some football game and Spike zoned out, thinking about Liam. He’d woken up on Sunday morning with a text message waiting, saying Liam was going to hang out at Gunn’s, he was invited to dinner as well, so no need for Spike to come over. It was an obvious if polite brush off and he was still contemplating how he felt about it.
It was probably a good thing. The last thing he needed was getting involved with a closet case. He’d give Liam a call tonight, just to make sure he was all right, but if Liam didn’t want to see him then that was it. He wasn’t about to force his friendship upon someone who didn’t want it. Even if that someone was as gorgeous and interesting as Liam.
To be frank, the man had issues far beyond what Spike was ready to tackle. Not just the whole closet thing but the guilt about Billy’s death and the drinking and the depression and…
The memory of Liam’s fist around his cock, his fingers and then his dick thrusting into Spike’s arse flashed by and he almost choked on his coffee.
“You all right?” Kate slapped his back, looking at him with concern.
“Ye-eah.” He coughed, waving his hand dismissively. “Coffee. Wrong way.”
“Huh. I’d think you’d be used to swallowing.”
Spike glared at Lindsey, who was blinking innocently, then took in the horrified expression on Kate’s face and grinned. “Well, you know what they say is the difference between liking and loving, mate.”
Lindsey smirked. “If you love someone, you swallow?”
“If you love someone you buy them proper coffee and not piss like this. What were you talking about?”
Now it was his time to blink innocently and Lindsey laughed again, shaking his head.
Kate just looked from one to the other in confusion before rolling her eyes and taking a big bite out of her bagel. Men. Who knew what went on inside those peanut brains of theirs?
Spike smiled and banished all thoughts of Liam from his head. Didn’t pay to be distracted on the job. He’d have plenty of time to mull over it when his shift was over. They chatted a while longer and then parted, having made plans to meet up for a beer after work. Spike nodded his farewell to Lindsey and walked with Kate to the car. See, he was making friends. Didn’t need no brooding fireman.
--------------------------
Liam sat on the couch, staring into space. The TV flickered in front of him but he wasn’t watching, hadn’t even glanced at it for the last half hour. Suddenly he stood up and walked into the bedroom, opened the closet and pulled out an old shoebox. He stood weighing it in his hands for a moment before carrying it back into the living room and sitting down on the couch, box in his lap. He took a deep breath and then slowly lifted the lid.
Billy’s happy face smiled up at him. The sun caught in the blond hair and Liam thought he could see clouds reflected in Billy’s blue eyes. A few freckles were sprinkled across his nose, further proof that this had been taken during the summer since they always disappeared over the winter time. He was wearing blue jeans, a red t-shirt and the gold pendant Liam had given him on their second anniversary. It was a small square, rough surfaced and engraved with a picture of an oak tree on the front and their anniversary date on the back. August 19th, 1999. No names, just in case. Not that he’d told Billy that and Billy had been too happy about the gift to question anything.
“It’s us. Strong as an oak, right? I love it, Lee.” Blinding Liam with his smile. “I love you. Thank you.”
Liam briefly closed his eyes and then took the frame out of the box, putting it aside. Underneath were two albums and he picked up the older one, marked 1999-2002, flipping slowly through it. Billy had loved taking pictures, something that had rubbed off on Liam and what started as mostly pictures of Liam changed gradually into almost exclusively pictures of Billy.
Drinking a beer while slouching on the same couch as Liam was now sitting on, t-shirt riding up to expose his belly. Sitting on the window sill, right over there, reading. Lying sleeping on the grass in the park, his freckled nose and long eyelashes casting shadows over his cheek. Putting on a ridiculous Chippendale pose in his uniform, grin splitting his face. Doubled over with laughter a few seconds later. Rubbing sleep out of his eyes on a Sunday morning. His birthday. The vacation they took in Florida. Caught in mid-air jumping into a lake up in Minnesota. Caught off guard glancing over his shoulder, eyes red-rimmed and glittering. Liam didn’t know why he’d taken that one.
Liam closed the album and picked up the other, 2002-. There were only a dozen pictures in it and very few smiles. It had been so obvious. After. Just looking at those pictures even a child could have seen the change. But not Liam. Oh no. He’d been too busy being Liam the fire fighter, Liam the hero, to have time being Liam the friend, Liam the lover.
Billy suddenly starting to go out at all times had pissed Liam off. He’d accused Bill of surfing the clubs, looking for cheap thrills and Billy had thrown back that at least he went out, at least he wasn’t afraid to be seen.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I’m not fucking them, Lee, I’m just talking.”
“You can talk to me.”
“It’s not enough.”
Sometimes he’d waken up to Billy crying, his face pushed into the pillow to muffle the sound and he’d just laid there, listening, hardly daring to breathe, waiting until the sounds died away and were replaced with Billy’s even breathing. Blocking out the memory the next morning and acting like nothing happened. Then one day…
“I want to invite my parents over. To stay for the weekend.”
“What?”
“My parents. I want them to get to know you.”
“Have you lost your mind? You can’t do that.”
“Why? I want them to know. I’m ready.”
“Ready? Ready to do what? Ruin our lives?”
“Not ruin. Live. Live our lives.”
“Well, that’s just great. Let’s just throw it all away. Our jobs, our friends, our fucking families. Because you’re ready.”
“Liam…”
“No. Fuck you, Billy. You don’t get to decide this on your own.”
“Well, neither do you.”
“I swear, if you tell anyone... You hear me, Billy? You hear me?”
Door slamming.
Silence.
Liam jerked awake at the shrill sound of the phone ringing. He blinked and raised his fingers to his face, stroking down his cheek. They came away wet. Huh. The phone rang again and he abruptly stood up, the album falling open on the floor.
“Hello?” His voice was rough, and he cleared his throat. “Who is it?”
“Liam? It’s Spike.” The voice sounded tired. “Just wanted to see if-“
“I’m fine. Thank you.”
There was a pause on the line and Liam gripped the phone harder. It’s not worth it. It’s not…
“Okay. Whatever you say, mate. You have my phone number if you ever want to…” The voice trailed off. “Right. Anyway, it was nice knowing you. Guess I’ll see you around.”
“Spike, wait.” His heart was hammering in his chest and he felt slightly nauseous. “I still owe you that beer.”
There was a sigh from the other end. “You don’t have to…” Pause. “All right. When?”
Now. Right now. My head is filled with ghosts and I can’t breathe when I’m alone.
“Whenever. Not like I’m doing anything.”
“Friday?”
Silence.
“Or sooner?”
“You doing anything right now?”
Pause. “No, not really. You want me to come over?”
“If you like.”
“Liam…” There was that sigh again. “All right. I’ll be there in five.” Click.
Liam put the phone slowly down and wiped his palms on his sweats. He caught his face in the hallway mirror and the eyes staring back at him were dark and wide. Frightened. What was he doing?
Taking a deep breath he walked into the bedroom and stripped off his sweats and t, replacing them with clean jeans and a long sleeved, soft, dark blue t-shirt he’d found at the bottom of his laundry basket. He hadn’t worn it for months and it clearly showed how much weight he’d lost. Still looked good on him. It brought out the darkness in his eyes and showed off the muscles in his arms and shoulders. It had been one of Billy’s favourites.
He needed a haircut but he’d shaved that morning and over all he looked better than he had in weeks.
The doorbell rang and he jogged to the intercom to buzz Spike in. It didn’t work half the time, which was why Gunn usually used his key downstairs and just knocked on the door to his apartment. Maybe he should get Spike one too. If they were gonna keep seeing each other. In whatever sense of the word.
He listened for Spike’s steps and opened the door just when he was about to knock.
“Hey.”
“Hi.”
Spike looked slightly taken aback, eyeing him with a look Liam couldn’t recall seeing there before. A cautious and slightly wary look, as if he was on guard about something.
“Thanks for coming.”
“You look good. Better, I mean.” The wary look went away and Spike smiled. “Smell better too.”
“Hey!” He tried to look indignant but it felt so good to see that smile again that he hardly bothered. “Well, all right. I did some laundry. That probably helped.”
“I’d say.” Spike ran his eyes over him and Liam could feel himself blushing. “That colour suits you.”
Liam smiled. “You being charming again?”
“I don’t know.” Spike pursed his lips. “Is my accent pronounced?”
“Not really.”
“Then I guess not.” He winked and tilted his head. “You gonna let me in or what?”
“Oh. Yeah. Sure.” Liam awkwardly took a step back, unable to keep from inhaling when Spike passed him by. Spike smelled of beer and autumn and a touch of smoke.
“How you been?”
Liam closed the door slowly before turning around, a smile plastered on his face. “Good. Sorry about yesterday. Gunn insisted.”
“No problem.” Spike took off his jacket and hung it up on the stand by the door. “His girlfriend doing all right?”
“Yeah.” Liam smiled at the memory of Fred grabbing his hand and putting it on her belly. That baby was going to be one hell of a soccer player. “Big as a house, not that anyone dares to tell her that. Getting tired of waiting for the baby.”
Spike nodded. “When is she due?”
“In a couple of weeks. Might induce her sooner.” Liam waved two fingers and smiled. “Twins.”
“Oh. Really?” Spike tilted his head, watching him. “Sounds like Gunn’s gonna have his hands full.”
Liam paused, his smile faltering. He hadn’t thought of that. “Guess so.” They hardly saw each other as it was, since Liam hadn’t been to work and Gunn was bound to Fred’s side in his free time. And once the baby came…
“Well, if you ever need someone to share a beer with…” Spike gave him a smile and he swallowed the lump in his throat.
“Thanks. Speaking of which…” He started walking to the kitchen, then paused and looked back. “I’m having one”
“Okay.” Spike’s face was blank.
He could feel his defences building up again. “I can, you know, without getting drunk.”
“I’m sure you can.”
“I’m not an alcoholic.”
“I never said you were and besides, it’s non of my business, Liam.” Spike gave him a smile and he nodded before continuing into the kitchen.
As soon as he walked in the picture of Billy stared back at him from the fridge and he did a double take. Shit. Hurrying back into the living room he stopped in his tracks. Spike was standing by the couch, looking down at the open album lying on the floor. It was the page with the last pictures Liam had taken of Billy and he didn’t need to step closer to know what Spike was seeing.
“Don’t.”
Spike looked up. His face was unreadable, eyes guarded, upper lip caught between his teeth.
“I was just… When you called… I should have put them away.”
“Why?” Spike bent down to pick up the album and Liam almost rushed forward to shove him away. No one had seen those. Not even Gunn. “They’re beautiful. You take them?”
“Yes.”
“You’ve got real talent.” Spike stroke one finger over the glossy surface. “You’ve captured his sadness perfectly.”
Liam froze. “You… you see it?”
“Well, yeah.” Spike frowned. “I mean, it’s obv-“ He looked up and stopped. Blinked. “You didn’t.” It wasn’t a question.
Liam swallowed. “No. I didn’t. Not until it was too late.”
“He was depressed.” Again, not a question. “And you blame yourself for not noticing.”
“Yes.”
Spike nodded slowly. “I can understand that.” He lowered his eyes again, turning the pages. “He was beautiful, charming. Had a great boyfriend. Why should he be depressed?”
“He had a lousy boyfriend.” A fucking bastard of a coward.
Spike glanced up at him. “You think so now, but you didn’t then. To you he had no reason to be depressed. No more than anyone else in your situation. Men and women live like this all over the world. Private, secluded, keeping to themselves so that people won’t interfere. Why would you be any different?”
“Because…” Liam stopped. Fuck. I can’t do this. “Can we drop it? I’m not really in a sharing and caring mood.”
Spike stood still for a moment and then he nodded, putting the album back down. Liam hurried over and scooped both albums and the frame up and into the shoebox, putting the lid on firmly, all the while avoiding Spike’s eyes.
“I’m just gonna put this…” His voice trailed off and he gave a small nod before taking the box with him into the bedroom, feeling Spike’s eyes burning a hole in the back of his neck.
“How about those beers?” he yelled, congratulating himself on the steadiness of his voice.
“Sure.” Spike’s voice was crystal clear and Liam turned around to find him standing in the doorway, watching him. “Only one though. Already had a couple at the pub and I’ve got work tomorrow.”
“Yeah?” He kept his voice casual, forcing his way past Spike and into the kitchen. “You go with Kate?”
“Yeah. Kate and this bloke Lindsey and his partner Faith. Nice people. Odd, but nice.”
Liam slowly straightened up, two beers clutched between his fingers. “You went with Lindsey?” He closed the fridge, eyes locked on Billy’s picture.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Nothing. Just didn’t take him for the type.”
“Type for what? Having a pint? Huh. He seemed to like it well enough.”
Liam turned around. “You know that’s not what I meant.” He handed Spike one beer and twisted the cap of his own, scowling.
“I know.” Spike was watching him with an exasperated look on his face. “You’re such a bigot, you know that?”
Liam blinked. “What?”
“You put people into boxes. Gay here, straight there. To be kept separate at all cost.”
“That’s not true.” He could feel himself getting angry again.
“No? You can’t see why Lindsey, a straight redneck, would want to socialize with me, a gay… whatever it is you see me as. Worlds collide. The Apocalypse is upon us!” Spike threw up his hands in a dramatic gesture, rolling his eyes for emphasis.
“Shut the fuck up. I know him, all right? He’s all tough guy.” Liam took a sip from the bottle, swallowing in anger. “Nothing but pussy this and fuck that. If he knew I were gay he’d be the first to turn his back on me.”
Spike shook his head. “You’re totally paranoid, pet. He’d give you shit about it, yeah. Probably call you a fag and a queer and offer to walk your sweet little girly arse home. But…” Spike locked eyes with him, his face turning serious. “He’d do it with a grin, then buy you a beer and if anyone else gave you grief he’d knock their teeth in.”
“Yeah, right.” Now it was Liam’s turn to roll his eyes. “I’ve known that guy for years, Spike. You’ve known him what? A couple of weeks? Days? What makes you think you’re an expert on…”
“The fact that he’s right now nursing an impressive black eye and very bruised knuckles after we ran into your mate Larry outside the bar.”
Liam froze. “What?” He took a step closer, paling slightly. “Are you okay?”
Spike’s smile faltered and he looked away. “Yeah. He hardly even touched me. Didn’t get the chance. Just grabbed my arm and started dragging me into the alley and the next thing I knew he was being slammed into the wall, getting the shit knocked out of him.” He grinned. “It was bloody priceless.”
Liam tried to fight down the rage rushing through his veins. “I told him to leave you the fuck alone.”
“I guess he didn’t listen.” Spike shrugged.
“That fucking son of a bitch.” Liam slammed the beer down on the kitchen table and stalked to the door, reaching for his jacket.
“Whoa. Easy there.” Spike ran after him and grabbed his arm, forcing him to stop. “I think he’s learned his lesson. Considering he’s getting his nose reset, probably as we speak. And it wouldn’t surprise me if he needed quite a few stitches.”
“I don’t fucking care.” Liam wrenched his arm free, hands trembling with anger. “I’m gonna smash his stupid skull in, that fucking asshole.”
“You know, even if it’s quite sexy that whole caveman thing you’ve got going, I’d rather we just had the beer.” Spike leaned against the door, his hand resting on the knob. “All right?”
Liam stood still, breathing heavily, then his shoulders slumped and he reluctantly took off his jacket and hung it back up. “Ok. Fine” He scowled. “I’m still gonna kick his ass next time I see him.”
“Of course you are, luv.” Spike smiled and pushed himself off the door, before walking into the kitchen to fetch Liam’s beer. “Gotta reinstate your status as alpha male. Can’t let him get away with not following your orders.”
“It’s not funny,” Liam growled.
Spike’s eyes turned serious. “I know. I can’t say I like it but I’m not gonna argue with you. It’s your decision. As long as you’re not doing it for me.” He grinned again. “I’m a lover, not a fighter, baby.”
Liam could feel himself relaxing, the smile slipping back to his lips. “Quoting Michael Jackson? Now I see why people keep wanting to beat you up.”
“Haha. Funny.” Spike slapped him across the head. “Come on. Let’s see what’s on the telly.” He walked over to the couch and sat down, patting the space beside him. “If you’re good I’ll let you put your head in my lap.”
Liam grinned and walked over, picking up the remote. “And if I’m bad?”
“Then I’ll put my feet in yours. And I’ve been wearing these socks all day.” He winked and wrinkled his nose.
Liam laughed and without thinking reached out and ruffled Spike’s hair. Then quickly pulled back and blushed when he realised what he was doing. Spike just gazed up at him with sparkling eyes, smile bright and relaxed.
“You’re just gonna stand there or what?” Spike patted the seat beside him again. “Sit down.”
They sat in silence for a while, sipping beer and watching an old Friends episode. Liam glanced at Spike. The split in his lip was healing, the bruises across his nose and on his cheek turning yellow.
“You sure you’re all right? He really didn’t hurt you?”
Spike turned his head, his eyes calm and deep like the ocean. “Yes, I’m sure. I’m all right.” He turned back to the TV, eyes fixated on the screen. “We’re all right, Liam.”
Liam let out a breath he hadn’t realise he’d been holding. “Good. That’s good.”
On the screen smiling faces bantered and laughed.
Continued here