Fic: Take My Hand (And Lead Me Through The Fire) (1/2)
Title: Take My Hand (And Lead Me Through The Fire)
Author: hils
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: All through S4. Speculation on the end of S5 but no spoilers
Word Count: 11,715
Summary: Castiel falls and realizes that being human means maybe losing everything he ever wanted
Notes: Written for the deancastiel Renegade Angels challenge.
Thanks to bellajayd for the amazing beta job
The realization came to him at an inconvenient time. They were facing down Lucifer and his army with Dean at the front, flanked on the right by Sam, with Castiel standing to his left. It was almost dawn, but even in the muted light Castiel could see the determined set of Dean’s jaw and the righteous anger blazing in his eyes. Every second since Lucifer had risen had been geared towards this moment and the tension in the air was almost suffocating.
“You ready, Sam?” Dean asked in a voice that was gritty and exhausted.
“Ready,” Sam replied, sounding no better than his brother.
Dean nodded. “You and the angels ready, Cas?”
“Yes,” Castiel replied and he ached to touch Dean and offer some small amount of comfort.
The odds were not good; he knew that, they all did. Two hunters, a few of their friends and a dozen or so renegade angels could not possibly hope to stop Lucifer and all the demonic hordes that followed him. They had all sworn to follow Dean and try though.
Better to die fighting than do nothing at all.
Dean flexed his fingers around the hilt of the sword he was carrying. It was the one ray of hope that they had. A holy weapon for a holy war. He clenched his jaw and nodded. “Let’s do this.”
And that was when Castiel realized that he was in love with Dean Winchester, and they charged before he could even think about doing anything about it.
* * *
“Cas? Cas!”
He could hear Dean’s voice cutting through the haze and knew that he should answer, but he was just so tired and he couldn’t even find the strength to open his eyes. If he just rested a little while longer, he would be fine.
Dean, apparently, had other ideas. “Cas, I swear if you don’t open your eyes right now I am going to kick your ass so hard!”
He was a little more alert now, and somewhere in the back of his mind was the instinctive response to obey an order, especially when it came from Dean. He tried, and failed to raise his head and open his eyes.
“Dean, are you sure he’s alive?” He heard Sam ask gently and he could almost see the younger Winchester laying a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“I’m sure,” Dean replied in a voice that brokered no arguments. It was enough to make Castiel stir himself and prove Dean right.
Dean knelt above him, eyes filled with concern. Castiel blinked and saw Sam hovering behind his brother looking just as worried as he’d sounded. As soon as Dean saw Castiel was awake his entire demeanor changed and he broke into a grin.
“See!” He shot over his shoulder to Sam. “I told you! ‘You okay, Cas?”
Castiel blinked again.
The sun was high in the sky now, bathing all of them in its warm light. On the other hand, Dean and Sam’s faces were filthy and caked in dried blood and Castiel suspected he didn’t look much better himself. He assumed that the majority of the blood covering the Winchesters was not their own because even though they both looked exhausted to the point of collapse their eyes were sparkling and they were both smiling.
“Cas?” Dean prompted which reminded him that he’d been asked a question.
“I’ll be all right once I have rested,” he assured and the relieved grin he received in response made him feel a little stronger.
“Too bad you missed us sending Lucifer back to Hell,” Dean said as he carefully helped Castiel into a seated position. “It was awesome.”
“I don’t doubt it.” Castiel could feel his strength returning to him in waves now, and he suspected that at least part of it was down to the way Dean’s arm had settled around his back to keep him propped up. “I always said you could do great things.”
Now that he was upright he could see that they were in the middle of a grassy field. There was no sign that a battle had even taken place.
“Your angel buddies cleaned up before heading back to the pearly gates,” Dean said when he spotted the look of confusion on Castiel’s face.
Castiel nodded and attempted to stand, flashing Dean a grateful look when he helped him up.
“I should return to my brethren.”
Dean sighed and nodded. “Right.”
If Castiel didn’t know better he’d have said Dean actually sounded disappointed. He couldn’t imagine why that would be so, especially now that the battle was over and the hunter could return to his old life.
“I think I’m gonna go and wait in the car,” Sam suddenly announced. “You guys can say goodbye or whatever.”
As he turned to leave, Castiel caught hold of Sam’s hand to stop him. “You were not to blame for what happened, Sam. You were being manipulated by forces far beyond your control.”
“I know,” Sam said in a voice that implied he had heard it dozens of times before and was still no closer to believing it.
“Heaven has forgiven you,” Castiel continued, “You need to forgive yourself now.”
“I’m trying,” Sam replied softly.
“You did great things today. You and your brother. People will speak of them in generations to come.”
A small smile curled at the edge of Sam’s lips and he nodded, giving Castiel’s hand a grateful squeeze before he let go and walked to the car.
“Thanks for that,” Dean watched until his brother got into the car before turning his attention to Castiel. “I think you might have actually gotten through to him.”
“I hope you’ll heed my words too, Dean,” Castiel said. “You too need to forgive yourself for your part in this. It’s over now.”
“Yeah,” Dean replied with downcast eyes. “So I guess this is goodbye.”
Castiel placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, his fingers instinctively making their way to the brand that had been left when he’d first pulled Dean’s soul from Hell.
“It’s true that my task on Earth is now complete,” his voice was hesitant. “But I would not leave you if you desired for me to stay.
Dean glanced down at the hand on his arm and then met Castiel’s eyes. For a moment they just stood there, eyes locked, until Dean forced a weak grin.
“You gonna stick around and stop me from hooking up with scores of hot chicks?”
“No,” Castiel replied softly. “I would not seek to change who you are. I just desire you to be happy.”
He raised his eyes to the sky. “I must report to my superiors. If you wish to see me, call my name and I will come if I am able.”
He took off before Dean could speak another word and while he would never say it aloud, he prayed that this was not the last time he would see the hunter.
* * *
Heaven, Castiel was ashamed to think, was not as it once was. The division amongst the angels and the absence of God had assured that was no longer a place of joy but a place of uncertainty. As a result, he found himself thinking about Dean more often than was appropriate. So, when Dean called for him, just a few days after the war had ended, Castiel was back on Earth more rapidly than he had ever flown before.
“Wow,” Dean blinked when Castiel appeared in front of him. “That was fast. I wasn’t even sure you were going to show up.”
“I told you I would come if you called,” Castiel replied. Dean looked well. He had obviously rested since they had last seen each other, and Castiel couldn’t actually recall the last time he had seen him looking so relaxed and happy. It lightened his grace to see him like this.
“Yeah,” Dean replied. “I guess you did, but I just figured you’d have more important things to do.”
“There is little that is more important to me. You are my charge.”
Castiel glanced over Dean’s shoulder to where Sam was sitting at the table, laptop open in front of him. He wasn’t looking at the screen though, he was looking at them with a curious frown on his face.
“Hello, Sam,” he greeted. Sam blinked and the frown melted away.
“Castiel,” he nodded his head in greeting and focused his attention back on the screen.
“So,” Dean said, clearing his throat and drawing Castiel’s attention back to him. “We were wondering if you could help us with this thing we’re up against. It’s confusing the Hell out of us, Sam’s come up with nothing and Ellen and Bobby are taking a well-earned vacation after the whole fighting off the Apocalypse thing.”
Castiel nodded. “I’ll lend you whatever assistance I can.”
He didn’t care about the reasons behind his summoning. He was just glad to be here with Dean. So, he listened as Dean described the creature they were up against.
“It’s a Hupia,” Castiel finally said. “A nocturnal spirit that feeds from the living much like a vampire does.”
“Well, that explains why the dead man’s blood didn’t work,” Dean murmured half to himself and half to Sam.
“I could destroy it for you if you like,” Castiel offered. “It would only take a moment.”
“Thanks,” Dean replied with a grin. “But it kind of takes the fun out of hunting if there’s no actual hunting involved.”
“I understand,” Castiel nodded. “Although I’m surprised you’ve resumed hunting so soon after the final battle.”
Dean shrugged. “Gotta do something to fill the time. It’s not like all the nasties have just disappeared along with Lucifer.”
It was just further proof of what a remarkable man Dean Winchester was. Most humans, Castiel was sure, would have had enough after everything they’d been through. Not Dean, though. Castiel suspected he would go on fighting until his body was no longer capable of it.
“Be careful,” Castiel said sincerely.
“Always am, Cas,” Dean grinned. “But thanks.”
Castiel glanced at Sam who was watching them again now with that frown back in place.
“So. . .” Dean said hesitantly, apparently oblivious to the way his brother was looking at them. “Is it back to Heaven for you now?”
“I am not needed there if you wish me to remain.”
“Whatever, dude,” Dean replied with a casual shrug. “If you’ve got nothing better to do then you’re welcome to hang out here. I gotta tell you, though, it’s a pretty crappy motel room. The beds don’t even have magic fingers.”
“You’re sick, man,” Sam muttered from the table with a barely concealed smile. “I’ve told you. You need help.”
Castiel took a seat on the edge of the bed that he knew was Dean’s just by how messy it was. He watched as Sam and Dean teased each other, both of them smiling and laughing, and wondered what it must be like to have such a relationship. He cared about his brothers and sisters in Heaven, of course, but he knew it would never be anything like this. It wasn’t that he felt a sense of loss, it was just one of the many aspects of being human that he would never fully understand.
“So, Cas, I’m guessing you don’t want a beer or some pizza?” Dean asked after a few minutes of trading insults with his brother.
“No, thank you.” he replied. “You know I have no requirement for nourishment.”
“You’re missing out,” Dean said as he cracked open a bottle of beer and sprawled into a nearby chair. “So how’s things up in Heaven anyway? Everything back to normal now?”
“We’re still recovering from our losses.” Castiel was fascinated as Dean managed to stuff almost an entire slice of pizza into his mouth in one go. “It will take time but I’m confident things will go back to the way they were.”
“Minus the angels who were dicks, of course,” Dean grinned. “Hey, if you’re going to be hanging around for a while I don’t suppose you could use your angel mojo to detail my car?”
“Dean,” Sam hissed, sounding genuinely horrified at what his brother was suggesting.
“What? There’s gotta be some perks to leading a holy army, right Cas?”
“I’d help if I could,” Castiel said, feeling genuinely regretful that he couldn’t do this one small thing for Dean, especially when he knew how much Dean’s car meant to him. “Unfortunately technology is somewhat of a mystery to me. My dealings are with humans alone.”
“So you’re a PR man?” Dean asked with an amused smile. “No offence, Cas, but you kind of suck at it a lot of the time.”
“No offence taken,” Castiel replied. “I didn’t realize how little I knew about humans until I met you.”
“Well, Dean’s not your average person,” Sam grinned.
“No,” Castiel agreed softly. “He isn’t.”
“I hope you both mean because I’m so awesome,” Dean interjected as he reached for another beer. “Hey, we’re out. Sammy, you want to do the next store run? I need beer.”
“Dude, the store’s just down the block and I’m not your errand boy. Go get your own beer. I’m busy.”
“Whatever, bitch. Cas, you wanna come with me?”
Castiel rose to his feet, happy to go wherever Dean was going even if that meant watching him buy alcohol.
“Actually,” Sam said uneasily. “I kind of need Cas to help me with some research if you don’t mind.”
Dean frowned. “You need help with research? What, did you forget how to read all of a sudden?”
“Something like that. I need some help translating this text. Unless you suddenly speak Sumerian and want to do it for me.”
Dean grimaced. “Whatever. I’ll leave you two book geeks to it.”
Castiel waited until Dean was out of the door before he turned to Sam, only to find the younger Winchester looking at anything but him.
“How can I assist you, Sam?”
Finally, Sam met his eyes and he actually looked afraid.
“Ok,” he said tentatively. “You have to promise not to smite me or whatever if I’m reading this wrong.”
Castiel frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but I promise I will do you no harm.”
Sam sighed and nodded. “Ok. Man, Dean is going to kill me if he finds out I told you this.”
He watched as Sam got up from his seat and started pacing. It was obvious that he was agitated about something, and Castiel sensed it would be best to wait and let him speak in his own time. If there was one thing he knew, it was patience.
“Ok,” Sam said for the third time and stopped pacing. “Dean’s in love with you.”
Castiel blinked at him, certain he hadn’t heard correctly as Sam’s face flushed an alarming shade of red.
“He’d never say anything,” Sam continued hurriedly when Castiel didn’t immediately say anything, “But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that before, like you’re the only thing in his world.”
“I’ve seen him look at you that way,” Castiel pointed out.
“You know that’s different. I’m serious, here. He hasn’t even tried to hit on anyone since you left. Yesterday this girl in a bar practically threw herself at him and Dean sent her packing. When I asked him why he said he didn’t have time for chick stuff. This is Dean we’re talking about here.”
Castiel considered this for a moment. “And this had led you to believe that he has feelings for me?”
“He lasted less than a week before calling you back. Really, we could have found out what this thing was by ourselves with a little work. He just wanted to see you. I wouldn’t have said anything myself but I’ve seen the way you look at him and I think maybe he’s not the only one who feels something.”
As Sam came to the end of his speech, he took a deep breath and watched Castiel waiting for some sort of reaction.
The angel had to admit that of all the things he’d expected Sam to say this one wasn’t even a consideration.
“If Dean hasn’t said anything to you about this, how can you be sure?” Castiel finally asked softly.
“He’s my brother.” Sam replied. “I just know. Like he never really talks about you, but he steers the conversation so that your name comes up. Trust me on this, when Dean doesn’t talk about something that’s when you start paying attention.”
He considered it again for a minute and then nodded his head. “Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m not wrong, am I?” Sam asked with hope in his voice. “About what you feel for Dean?.”
“No, you’re not wrong.”
Sam smiled. “Good.”
It was good, Castiel thought to himself. Except now, he had a decision to make and it was a decision he never imagined himself ever having to consider before he met Dean Winchester.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” Sam said. “I know this is a pretty huge deal. I just want him to be happy.”
Dean chose that moment to come barging back into the motel room. “I have beer for me and some low carb, low fat, no sugar crap for you.”
He paused in the middle of the room and his eyes flitted between Sam and Castiel. “Ok, what did I miss?”
“Nothing,” Sam and Castiel replied in unison.
“Bullshit,” Dean dropped his things onto the table. “What’s going on?
“Nothing, really,” Castiel reassured him. “There’s just something I must do. I promise it’s nothing to be concerned over.”
Castiel caught Sam’s eye and Sam nodded.
“You’ll see me again soon, Dean, I promise.” And with that he removed himself to a quiet place where he could think.
* * *
He’d been standing on the roof of a building for some time now, watching the miniscule people and cars go past far below him. The wind whipped around him, slapping his coat against his legs but he paid it no attention. His eyes were firmly focused on the ground below. The distance was nothing in the grand scheme of things but right now, it felt as if he was looking from one end of the universe to the other.
He had a choice to make. Heaven would never allow one of their host to undertake a relationship with a human, no matter the role they both played in ending the war against Lucifer. It was unheard of. They were different species and most angels regarded humans as inferior. However, they had not spent time with Dean Winchester.
“I know how you’re feeling.”
Castiel closed his eyes and sighed. “Hello, Anna.”
He heard he step closer and when he opened his eyes again, she was standing beside him on the edge of the roof.
“How long have you been standing here?” She asked gently.
“I don’t know.” He replied.
The smile she flashed him was a kind one, but it did little to soothe the conflict he felt.
“Is it Dean?” Anna asked. “Is he why you’re here?”
“Yes.”
When she took his hand in hers and squeezed it, he didn’t pull away, allowing himself to take some small amount of comfort from the gesture.
“I’ve been where you are, Castiel. I know you’re scared and wondering whether this is the right thing to, but you just have to ask yourself one thing: is he worth it?”
His head snapped around and he looked at her curiously. “That just proves that you know little of what I am experiencing. I know that Dean is worth falling for, what I question is my own worthiness. Dean Winchester faced down both the armies of Heaven and Hell and lived to tell the tale. People will talk of what he did long after his life is over. My existence is insignificant compared to his.”
“I don’t think he sees it like that,” Anna pointed out. “Everyone knows how highly he regards you. You’re the one who rallied the angels. You risked yourself help him save his brother. If you trust nothing else then trust his judgment.”
Castiel considered her words for a moment. He could trust Dean. He did trust him, with his life. He took a step closer to the edge but stopped when Anna caught hold of his arm.
“If you do this, it’s going to hurt,” she told him. “Pain worse than you have ever imagined.”
“I don’t understand,” Castiel frowned. “Are you attempting to dissuade me now?”
“No,” Anna replied. “I’m just trying to prepare you.”
She pressed a piece of paper and a roll of money into his hand. “When you wake up you’re going to be hurt and confused. That’s the address of where Dean and Sam are staying and enough money to get you there. Your body will be the same so they will recognize you. I called in another favour.”
Castiel stared at the bundle in his hand for a moment, unsure how Anna had the money and unwilling to ask. He slipped it into his pocket without a word.
“Good luck,” Anna said, releasing his arm and stepping back.
Castiel took another breath and stepped into the void.
* * *
“Hey, buddy! You okay?”
There wasn’t an inch of Castiel’s body that didn’t ache in some way and the voice that spoke sounded like it was coming from miles away.
“Do you want me to call 911?”
Cautiously Castiel opened his eyes and hissed as the bright light pierced into his head and made it hurt more than it already did. He quickly closed them again and took a deep breath, wincing when that hurt too.
“I should call 911,” the voice said, a little more certainly this time.
“No,” Castiel said, almost startled at how rusty and broken his voice sounded. “I’m all right.”
He opened his eyes again to prove this and was grateful when it hurt a little less this time. A face hovered above him and it was not one he recognized. The man was young and he was regarding him with a mixture of concern and nervousness.
“You don’t look ok,” he said when he saw that Castiel’s eyes were open. “Are you sure you don’t want me to call for an ambulance?”
Castiel sat up carefully, biting back a cry of pain as more injuries made themselves known to him.
“Ok, ok, just take it easy.”
The man crouched down beside him and held him steady, reminding Castiel of someone else, but he couldn’t remember who. In fact, the more that he thought about it the more alarmed he became at the lack of things he could remember. He knew his name was Castiel . . . and that was about it.
“What the Hell happened to you?” The man asked.
Castiel frowned. “I don’t know.”
“You scared the crap out of me. You just dropped right in front of my car. I thought for sure you were dead.”
“No,” Castiel replied, still deep in thought as he tried to recall something, anything. “I’m very much alive.”
And why did that feel like such a strange notion?
“Were you mugged?” The man pressed. “Did you fall?”
Castiel blinked. “I . . . I think I must have. I don’t remember.”
He struggled to stand, gripping onto the man’s arm as he helped him up.
“Look, I don’t think memory loss is a good sign. And you don’t seem like you’re drunk or high. Maybe I should just take you to the hospital. Oh, unless you don’t have insurance. Hey, do you have any ID on you? That might help.”
He felt around in his pocket and pulled out the slip of paper and roll of notes.
“Woah, that is a serious amount of cash! I hope you didn’t rob a bank or anything.”
Castiel hoped so too, but the slip of paper had an address on it and that was what held his attention now.
“I think I need to go here,” he said, showing the address to his companion. “Can you tell me how I’d get there?”
The man glanced at the slip of paper and frowned. “This isn’t actually that far.”
He looked at Castiel for a moment and then nodded his head, as if he was agreeing with himself.
“Look, I know you don’t know me or anything, and I don’t know you but you look like you need some help. Why don’t I drive you where you need to go? Just spot me the cash for some gas and buy me a burger or something on the way.”
Castiel looked at him for a moment, trying to take in the measure of a person he had only just met. He couldn’t tell what it was, his eyes maybe, but something told him it was safe to trust this man.
“All right. Thank you.”
“Ok, let’s go.”
Castiel allowed himself to be helped into the car, thankful for the kindness he was being shown while he was feeling vulnerable. “What’s your name?”
“Edward,” the man replied as he slid into the driver’s seat. “What’s yours? You do know that, right?”
“Castiel,” he replied.
“Huh,” Edward said. “Kind of a weird name. Maybe you’re foreign.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, we’ve got a while until we get to where you need to be. Maybe something will come back to you.”
Castiel could only hope.
* * *
He learned a lot about Edward on their drive, the first thing being that he hated being called Edward and preferred Ed. His girlfriend of ten years worked for the local electricity company as an accountant, his favorite food was chili, his favorite movie was Conan and he was freaking out about turning thirty next month.
“It’s just so . . . grown up, you know?” He told Castiel over their burgers. “Most of the guys I went to college with are married with kids now and I still feel like a kid myself sometimes. I mean my favorite hobbies are video games and comic books.”
“I don’t think you should worry about what others are doing,” Castiel said as he delicately nibbled at his food. The truth was the burger was already making him feel sick
“Yeah, so long as I’m happy, right?” Ed snorted. “That’s what people keep telling me.”
Castiel set down his burger, deciding that abandoning the pretence of eating was probably wise considering the way his stomach felt.
“And are you happy?” he asked. He didn’t know why but it felt important that he was, probably just because of the kindness Ed had showed him when he really didn’t have to.
“Yeah,” Ed said with a small smile. “I’ve got a wonderful girl, some awesome friends, a roof over my head and a job that I don’t hate. Can’t ask for more than that, can you?”
“No,” Castiel agreed softly with a smile of his own. “I don’t think you can.”
Ed grinned and gestured at Castiel’s plate. “If you’re not gonna eat that do you mind if I take it with us. I’m still hungry.”
Again, Castiel was reminded of someone as he nodded and headed out of the diner with Ed. He had hoped something would have come back to him by now but so far, there was nothing. He just had to hope that someone at the motel they were heading to would be able to give him answers
* * *
It hit him the moment they pulled into the parking lot and he saw the black car parked outside one of the rooms.
Dean Winchester
The name came from nowhere and he had no idea who Dean Winchester was, but he knew that was his car and that he was who Castiel was here to see.
“He’s here.” He was struck with the strange sensation of returning home after a long time away. Of course, it was possible he’d been here before, he didn’t know.
“Great,” Ed said as he pulled the car into an empty space. “You want me to stick around in case he’s out or whatever?”
“No, thank you.”
He couldn’t explain it, like a lot of things that had happened today, but he knew he would be safe here and that it would be better if he met this Dean Winchester alone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the rest of his money, pressing it into Ed’s hand.
“I’m not taking all of this,” Ed exclaimed when he saw how much Castiel had given him. “This is everything you have. We’ve only driven a couple of hundred miles and you’ve given me enough cash to get me to Canada and back if I wanted.”
Castiel was already climbing out of the car, carefully to avoid aggravating his wounds.
“I consider it a suitable reward for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you, again.”
Ed sighed and pulled a scrap of paper out of his pocket, scribbling on it quickly and handing it to Castiel. “Here’s my number. If things don’t work out here give me a call, ok?”
Castiel nodded. “Thank you, again, for your kindness.”
He got out of the car and walked steadily towards the motel door that he hoped contained the answers he was looking for. He paused outside for a moment and took a steadying breath as he watched Ed drive away. He hoped he wasn’t wrong about this as he knocked.
When no one answered immediately, his heart sank. Either Dean wasn’t home, or he had the wrong room, or he’d been wrong about everything. Then the door opened and Castiel found himself facing a man that was immediately familiar.
“Holy shit! What happened to you?” Dean exclaimed.
Castiel couldn’t answer. It was coming back to him in waves now, overwhelming him and threatening to knock him down with the force of all his memories. He was an angel, or had been. He’d existed for millennia, watching over humans until he’d fallen in love with one, this one.
“I . . .” he began, but he didn’t even know how to put into words what he was feeling. He was struck with the overwhelming urge to just hold Dean, to feel him with his now human body and that sheer need overrode anything else that his new body was experiencing.
“Get inside,” Dean said and although his words were sharp, he guided Castiel gently to the end of the bed and started rummaging for the first aid kit. “So, are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to guess?”
Even in his hurt and exhausted state Castiel could feel the fear and confusion coming off Dean in waves.
“I fell.”
“You fell?” Dean repeated. “Like fell, fell?”
“Yes.”
His eyes were fixed firmly on the brown and rather stained carpet because he couldn’t stand the thought of looking into Dean’s eyes and seeing disgust or anger in them.
Dean set the first aid kit down, sat on the bed beside him, and cupped Castiel’s chin in his hand, tilting his head towards him so that he could examine the cuts on his face.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Sam said from somewhere behind Dean, and Castiel could see in his eyes the understanding of why he had done this.
“Like Hell he doesn’t!” Dean snapped. “What, is this a punishment for helping us because I will-“
“It wasn’t,” Castiel quickly interrupted before Dean unleashed his fury on someone who didn’t deserve it. “I chose this.”
“Chose it over what?” Dean asked. “What are they holding over you, Cas?”
Castiel sighed, suddenly feeling more tired and drained than he had ever felt before. “Nothing. No one forced me to do this Dean. I made the decision for myself.”
“But . . .”
“We need more supplies,” Sam said suddenly, preventing Dean from asking more questions. “I’m gonna go and get stuff.””
“Uh . . .”
“I’ll be back soon.”
He was on his feet and out of the door before either of them could really process what was happening. Castiel suspected it was simply a ploy to leave him alone with Dean for a little while, and he wasn’t sure whether he appreciated it or not. He remained on the bed, idly picking at the end of his coat until Dean spoke.
“So, are you going to tell me what made you take a tumble or do I have to guess?”
Castiel sighed. “Dean, I’m tired. I think. Do you mind if I take a shower before you start with your interrogation?”
For a moment, he thought Dean was going to argue and demand answers, but apparently, he saw just how exhausted Castiel really was because he simply nodded.
“Sure, go ahead. I’ll dig you out some fresh clothes. You’ll have to borrow mine until we can get to a store. Is that ok?”
“That’s fine. Thank you, Dean.”
It was strange but he had grown rather attached to his suit and trench coat. He certainly couldn’t imagine anything else. It was one of the many things about being human that he was going to have to get used to.
He wearily climbed to his feet and trudged into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and letting out a breath he hadn’t even been aware he’d been holding.
Part 2
Author: hils
Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: All through S4. Speculation on the end of S5 but no spoilers
Word Count: 11,715
Summary: Castiel falls and realizes that being human means maybe losing everything he ever wanted
Notes: Written for the deancastiel Renegade Angels challenge.
Thanks to bellajayd for the amazing beta job
The realization came to him at an inconvenient time. They were facing down Lucifer and his army with Dean at the front, flanked on the right by Sam, with Castiel standing to his left. It was almost dawn, but even in the muted light Castiel could see the determined set of Dean’s jaw and the righteous anger blazing in his eyes. Every second since Lucifer had risen had been geared towards this moment and the tension in the air was almost suffocating.
“You ready, Sam?” Dean asked in a voice that was gritty and exhausted.
“Ready,” Sam replied, sounding no better than his brother.
Dean nodded. “You and the angels ready, Cas?”
“Yes,” Castiel replied and he ached to touch Dean and offer some small amount of comfort.
The odds were not good; he knew that, they all did. Two hunters, a few of their friends and a dozen or so renegade angels could not possibly hope to stop Lucifer and all the demonic hordes that followed him. They had all sworn to follow Dean and try though.
Better to die fighting than do nothing at all.
Dean flexed his fingers around the hilt of the sword he was carrying. It was the one ray of hope that they had. A holy weapon for a holy war. He clenched his jaw and nodded. “Let’s do this.”
And that was when Castiel realized that he was in love with Dean Winchester, and they charged before he could even think about doing anything about it.
* * *
“Cas? Cas!”
He could hear Dean’s voice cutting through the haze and knew that he should answer, but he was just so tired and he couldn’t even find the strength to open his eyes. If he just rested a little while longer, he would be fine.
Dean, apparently, had other ideas. “Cas, I swear if you don’t open your eyes right now I am going to kick your ass so hard!”
He was a little more alert now, and somewhere in the back of his mind was the instinctive response to obey an order, especially when it came from Dean. He tried, and failed to raise his head and open his eyes.
“Dean, are you sure he’s alive?” He heard Sam ask gently and he could almost see the younger Winchester laying a comforting hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“I’m sure,” Dean replied in a voice that brokered no arguments. It was enough to make Castiel stir himself and prove Dean right.
Dean knelt above him, eyes filled with concern. Castiel blinked and saw Sam hovering behind his brother looking just as worried as he’d sounded. As soon as Dean saw Castiel was awake his entire demeanor changed and he broke into a grin.
“See!” He shot over his shoulder to Sam. “I told you! ‘You okay, Cas?”
Castiel blinked again.
The sun was high in the sky now, bathing all of them in its warm light. On the other hand, Dean and Sam’s faces were filthy and caked in dried blood and Castiel suspected he didn’t look much better himself. He assumed that the majority of the blood covering the Winchesters was not their own because even though they both looked exhausted to the point of collapse their eyes were sparkling and they were both smiling.
“Cas?” Dean prompted which reminded him that he’d been asked a question.
“I’ll be all right once I have rested,” he assured and the relieved grin he received in response made him feel a little stronger.
“Too bad you missed us sending Lucifer back to Hell,” Dean said as he carefully helped Castiel into a seated position. “It was awesome.”
“I don’t doubt it.” Castiel could feel his strength returning to him in waves now, and he suspected that at least part of it was down to the way Dean’s arm had settled around his back to keep him propped up. “I always said you could do great things.”
Now that he was upright he could see that they were in the middle of a grassy field. There was no sign that a battle had even taken place.
“Your angel buddies cleaned up before heading back to the pearly gates,” Dean said when he spotted the look of confusion on Castiel’s face.
Castiel nodded and attempted to stand, flashing Dean a grateful look when he helped him up.
“I should return to my brethren.”
Dean sighed and nodded. “Right.”
If Castiel didn’t know better he’d have said Dean actually sounded disappointed. He couldn’t imagine why that would be so, especially now that the battle was over and the hunter could return to his old life.
“I think I’m gonna go and wait in the car,” Sam suddenly announced. “You guys can say goodbye or whatever.”
As he turned to leave, Castiel caught hold of Sam’s hand to stop him. “You were not to blame for what happened, Sam. You were being manipulated by forces far beyond your control.”
“I know,” Sam said in a voice that implied he had heard it dozens of times before and was still no closer to believing it.
“Heaven has forgiven you,” Castiel continued, “You need to forgive yourself now.”
“I’m trying,” Sam replied softly.
“You did great things today. You and your brother. People will speak of them in generations to come.”
A small smile curled at the edge of Sam’s lips and he nodded, giving Castiel’s hand a grateful squeeze before he let go and walked to the car.
“Thanks for that,” Dean watched until his brother got into the car before turning his attention to Castiel. “I think you might have actually gotten through to him.”
“I hope you’ll heed my words too, Dean,” Castiel said. “You too need to forgive yourself for your part in this. It’s over now.”
“Yeah,” Dean replied with downcast eyes. “So I guess this is goodbye.”
Castiel placed a hand on Dean’s shoulder, his fingers instinctively making their way to the brand that had been left when he’d first pulled Dean’s soul from Hell.
“It’s true that my task on Earth is now complete,” his voice was hesitant. “But I would not leave you if you desired for me to stay.
Dean glanced down at the hand on his arm and then met Castiel’s eyes. For a moment they just stood there, eyes locked, until Dean forced a weak grin.
“You gonna stick around and stop me from hooking up with scores of hot chicks?”
“No,” Castiel replied softly. “I would not seek to change who you are. I just desire you to be happy.”
He raised his eyes to the sky. “I must report to my superiors. If you wish to see me, call my name and I will come if I am able.”
He took off before Dean could speak another word and while he would never say it aloud, he prayed that this was not the last time he would see the hunter.
* * *
Heaven, Castiel was ashamed to think, was not as it once was. The division amongst the angels and the absence of God had assured that was no longer a place of joy but a place of uncertainty. As a result, he found himself thinking about Dean more often than was appropriate. So, when Dean called for him, just a few days after the war had ended, Castiel was back on Earth more rapidly than he had ever flown before.
“Wow,” Dean blinked when Castiel appeared in front of him. “That was fast. I wasn’t even sure you were going to show up.”
“I told you I would come if you called,” Castiel replied. Dean looked well. He had obviously rested since they had last seen each other, and Castiel couldn’t actually recall the last time he had seen him looking so relaxed and happy. It lightened his grace to see him like this.
“Yeah,” Dean replied. “I guess you did, but I just figured you’d have more important things to do.”
“There is little that is more important to me. You are my charge.”
Castiel glanced over Dean’s shoulder to where Sam was sitting at the table, laptop open in front of him. He wasn’t looking at the screen though, he was looking at them with a curious frown on his face.
“Hello, Sam,” he greeted. Sam blinked and the frown melted away.
“Castiel,” he nodded his head in greeting and focused his attention back on the screen.
“So,” Dean said, clearing his throat and drawing Castiel’s attention back to him. “We were wondering if you could help us with this thing we’re up against. It’s confusing the Hell out of us, Sam’s come up with nothing and Ellen and Bobby are taking a well-earned vacation after the whole fighting off the Apocalypse thing.”
Castiel nodded. “I’ll lend you whatever assistance I can.”
He didn’t care about the reasons behind his summoning. He was just glad to be here with Dean. So, he listened as Dean described the creature they were up against.
“It’s a Hupia,” Castiel finally said. “A nocturnal spirit that feeds from the living much like a vampire does.”
“Well, that explains why the dead man’s blood didn’t work,” Dean murmured half to himself and half to Sam.
“I could destroy it for you if you like,” Castiel offered. “It would only take a moment.”
“Thanks,” Dean replied with a grin. “But it kind of takes the fun out of hunting if there’s no actual hunting involved.”
“I understand,” Castiel nodded. “Although I’m surprised you’ve resumed hunting so soon after the final battle.”
Dean shrugged. “Gotta do something to fill the time. It’s not like all the nasties have just disappeared along with Lucifer.”
It was just further proof of what a remarkable man Dean Winchester was. Most humans, Castiel was sure, would have had enough after everything they’d been through. Not Dean, though. Castiel suspected he would go on fighting until his body was no longer capable of it.
“Be careful,” Castiel said sincerely.
“Always am, Cas,” Dean grinned. “But thanks.”
Castiel glanced at Sam who was watching them again now with that frown back in place.
“So. . .” Dean said hesitantly, apparently oblivious to the way his brother was looking at them. “Is it back to Heaven for you now?”
“I am not needed there if you wish me to remain.”
“Whatever, dude,” Dean replied with a casual shrug. “If you’ve got nothing better to do then you’re welcome to hang out here. I gotta tell you, though, it’s a pretty crappy motel room. The beds don’t even have magic fingers.”
“You’re sick, man,” Sam muttered from the table with a barely concealed smile. “I’ve told you. You need help.”
Castiel took a seat on the edge of the bed that he knew was Dean’s just by how messy it was. He watched as Sam and Dean teased each other, both of them smiling and laughing, and wondered what it must be like to have such a relationship. He cared about his brothers and sisters in Heaven, of course, but he knew it would never be anything like this. It wasn’t that he felt a sense of loss, it was just one of the many aspects of being human that he would never fully understand.
“So, Cas, I’m guessing you don’t want a beer or some pizza?” Dean asked after a few minutes of trading insults with his brother.
“No, thank you.” he replied. “You know I have no requirement for nourishment.”
“You’re missing out,” Dean said as he cracked open a bottle of beer and sprawled into a nearby chair. “So how’s things up in Heaven anyway? Everything back to normal now?”
“We’re still recovering from our losses.” Castiel was fascinated as Dean managed to stuff almost an entire slice of pizza into his mouth in one go. “It will take time but I’m confident things will go back to the way they were.”
“Minus the angels who were dicks, of course,” Dean grinned. “Hey, if you’re going to be hanging around for a while I don’t suppose you could use your angel mojo to detail my car?”
“Dean,” Sam hissed, sounding genuinely horrified at what his brother was suggesting.
“What? There’s gotta be some perks to leading a holy army, right Cas?”
“I’d help if I could,” Castiel said, feeling genuinely regretful that he couldn’t do this one small thing for Dean, especially when he knew how much Dean’s car meant to him. “Unfortunately technology is somewhat of a mystery to me. My dealings are with humans alone.”
“So you’re a PR man?” Dean asked with an amused smile. “No offence, Cas, but you kind of suck at it a lot of the time.”
“No offence taken,” Castiel replied. “I didn’t realize how little I knew about humans until I met you.”
“Well, Dean’s not your average person,” Sam grinned.
“No,” Castiel agreed softly. “He isn’t.”
“I hope you both mean because I’m so awesome,” Dean interjected as he reached for another beer. “Hey, we’re out. Sammy, you want to do the next store run? I need beer.”
“Dude, the store’s just down the block and I’m not your errand boy. Go get your own beer. I’m busy.”
“Whatever, bitch. Cas, you wanna come with me?”
Castiel rose to his feet, happy to go wherever Dean was going even if that meant watching him buy alcohol.
“Actually,” Sam said uneasily. “I kind of need Cas to help me with some research if you don’t mind.”
Dean frowned. “You need help with research? What, did you forget how to read all of a sudden?”
“Something like that. I need some help translating this text. Unless you suddenly speak Sumerian and want to do it for me.”
Dean grimaced. “Whatever. I’ll leave you two book geeks to it.”
Castiel waited until Dean was out of the door before he turned to Sam, only to find the younger Winchester looking at anything but him.
“How can I assist you, Sam?”
Finally, Sam met his eyes and he actually looked afraid.
“Ok,” he said tentatively. “You have to promise not to smite me or whatever if I’m reading this wrong.”
Castiel frowned. “I don’t know what you’re talking about but I promise I will do you no harm.”
Sam sighed and nodded. “Ok. Man, Dean is going to kill me if he finds out I told you this.”
He watched as Sam got up from his seat and started pacing. It was obvious that he was agitated about something, and Castiel sensed it would be best to wait and let him speak in his own time. If there was one thing he knew, it was patience.
“Ok,” Sam said for the third time and stopped pacing. “Dean’s in love with you.”
Castiel blinked at him, certain he hadn’t heard correctly as Sam’s face flushed an alarming shade of red.
“He’d never say anything,” Sam continued hurriedly when Castiel didn’t immediately say anything, “But I’ve seen the way he looks at you. I’ve never seen him look at anyone like that before, like you’re the only thing in his world.”
“I’ve seen him look at you that way,” Castiel pointed out.
“You know that’s different. I’m serious, here. He hasn’t even tried to hit on anyone since you left. Yesterday this girl in a bar practically threw herself at him and Dean sent her packing. When I asked him why he said he didn’t have time for chick stuff. This is Dean we’re talking about here.”
Castiel considered this for a moment. “And this had led you to believe that he has feelings for me?”
“He lasted less than a week before calling you back. Really, we could have found out what this thing was by ourselves with a little work. He just wanted to see you. I wouldn’t have said anything myself but I’ve seen the way you look at him and I think maybe he’s not the only one who feels something.”
As Sam came to the end of his speech, he took a deep breath and watched Castiel waiting for some sort of reaction.
The angel had to admit that of all the things he’d expected Sam to say this one wasn’t even a consideration.
“If Dean hasn’t said anything to you about this, how can you be sure?” Castiel finally asked softly.
“He’s my brother.” Sam replied. “I just know. Like he never really talks about you, but he steers the conversation so that your name comes up. Trust me on this, when Dean doesn’t talk about something that’s when you start paying attention.”
He considered it again for a minute and then nodded his head. “Thank you for telling me.”
“I’m not wrong, am I?” Sam asked with hope in his voice. “About what you feel for Dean?.”
“No, you’re not wrong.”
Sam smiled. “Good.”
It was good, Castiel thought to himself. Except now, he had a decision to make and it was a decision he never imagined himself ever having to consider before he met Dean Winchester.
“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” Sam said. “I know this is a pretty huge deal. I just want him to be happy.”
Dean chose that moment to come barging back into the motel room. “I have beer for me and some low carb, low fat, no sugar crap for you.”
He paused in the middle of the room and his eyes flitted between Sam and Castiel. “Ok, what did I miss?”
“Nothing,” Sam and Castiel replied in unison.
“Bullshit,” Dean dropped his things onto the table. “What’s going on?
“Nothing, really,” Castiel reassured him. “There’s just something I must do. I promise it’s nothing to be concerned over.”
Castiel caught Sam’s eye and Sam nodded.
“You’ll see me again soon, Dean, I promise.” And with that he removed himself to a quiet place where he could think.
* * *
He’d been standing on the roof of a building for some time now, watching the miniscule people and cars go past far below him. The wind whipped around him, slapping his coat against his legs but he paid it no attention. His eyes were firmly focused on the ground below. The distance was nothing in the grand scheme of things but right now, it felt as if he was looking from one end of the universe to the other.
He had a choice to make. Heaven would never allow one of their host to undertake a relationship with a human, no matter the role they both played in ending the war against Lucifer. It was unheard of. They were different species and most angels regarded humans as inferior. However, they had not spent time with Dean Winchester.
“I know how you’re feeling.”
Castiel closed his eyes and sighed. “Hello, Anna.”
He heard he step closer and when he opened his eyes again, she was standing beside him on the edge of the roof.
“How long have you been standing here?” She asked gently.
“I don’t know.” He replied.
The smile she flashed him was a kind one, but it did little to soothe the conflict he felt.
“Is it Dean?” Anna asked. “Is he why you’re here?”
“Yes.”
When she took his hand in hers and squeezed it, he didn’t pull away, allowing himself to take some small amount of comfort from the gesture.
“I’ve been where you are, Castiel. I know you’re scared and wondering whether this is the right thing to, but you just have to ask yourself one thing: is he worth it?”
His head snapped around and he looked at her curiously. “That just proves that you know little of what I am experiencing. I know that Dean is worth falling for, what I question is my own worthiness. Dean Winchester faced down both the armies of Heaven and Hell and lived to tell the tale. People will talk of what he did long after his life is over. My existence is insignificant compared to his.”
“I don’t think he sees it like that,” Anna pointed out. “Everyone knows how highly he regards you. You’re the one who rallied the angels. You risked yourself help him save his brother. If you trust nothing else then trust his judgment.”
Castiel considered her words for a moment. He could trust Dean. He did trust him, with his life. He took a step closer to the edge but stopped when Anna caught hold of his arm.
“If you do this, it’s going to hurt,” she told him. “Pain worse than you have ever imagined.”
“I don’t understand,” Castiel frowned. “Are you attempting to dissuade me now?”
“No,” Anna replied. “I’m just trying to prepare you.”
She pressed a piece of paper and a roll of money into his hand. “When you wake up you’re going to be hurt and confused. That’s the address of where Dean and Sam are staying and enough money to get you there. Your body will be the same so they will recognize you. I called in another favour.”
Castiel stared at the bundle in his hand for a moment, unsure how Anna had the money and unwilling to ask. He slipped it into his pocket without a word.
“Good luck,” Anna said, releasing his arm and stepping back.
Castiel took another breath and stepped into the void.
* * *
“Hey, buddy! You okay?”
There wasn’t an inch of Castiel’s body that didn’t ache in some way and the voice that spoke sounded like it was coming from miles away.
“Do you want me to call 911?”
Cautiously Castiel opened his eyes and hissed as the bright light pierced into his head and made it hurt more than it already did. He quickly closed them again and took a deep breath, wincing when that hurt too.
“I should call 911,” the voice said, a little more certainly this time.
“No,” Castiel said, almost startled at how rusty and broken his voice sounded. “I’m all right.”
He opened his eyes again to prove this and was grateful when it hurt a little less this time. A face hovered above him and it was not one he recognized. The man was young and he was regarding him with a mixture of concern and nervousness.
“You don’t look ok,” he said when he saw that Castiel’s eyes were open. “Are you sure you don’t want me to call for an ambulance?”
Castiel sat up carefully, biting back a cry of pain as more injuries made themselves known to him.
“Ok, ok, just take it easy.”
The man crouched down beside him and held him steady, reminding Castiel of someone else, but he couldn’t remember who. In fact, the more that he thought about it the more alarmed he became at the lack of things he could remember. He knew his name was Castiel . . . and that was about it.
“What the Hell happened to you?” The man asked.
Castiel frowned. “I don’t know.”
“You scared the crap out of me. You just dropped right in front of my car. I thought for sure you were dead.”
“No,” Castiel replied, still deep in thought as he tried to recall something, anything. “I’m very much alive.”
And why did that feel like such a strange notion?
“Were you mugged?” The man pressed. “Did you fall?”
Castiel blinked. “I . . . I think I must have. I don’t remember.”
He struggled to stand, gripping onto the man’s arm as he helped him up.
“Look, I don’t think memory loss is a good sign. And you don’t seem like you’re drunk or high. Maybe I should just take you to the hospital. Oh, unless you don’t have insurance. Hey, do you have any ID on you? That might help.”
He felt around in his pocket and pulled out the slip of paper and roll of notes.
“Woah, that is a serious amount of cash! I hope you didn’t rob a bank or anything.”
Castiel hoped so too, but the slip of paper had an address on it and that was what held his attention now.
“I think I need to go here,” he said, showing the address to his companion. “Can you tell me how I’d get there?”
The man glanced at the slip of paper and frowned. “This isn’t actually that far.”
He looked at Castiel for a moment and then nodded his head, as if he was agreeing with himself.
“Look, I know you don’t know me or anything, and I don’t know you but you look like you need some help. Why don’t I drive you where you need to go? Just spot me the cash for some gas and buy me a burger or something on the way.”
Castiel looked at him for a moment, trying to take in the measure of a person he had only just met. He couldn’t tell what it was, his eyes maybe, but something told him it was safe to trust this man.
“All right. Thank you.”
“Ok, let’s go.”
Castiel allowed himself to be helped into the car, thankful for the kindness he was being shown while he was feeling vulnerable. “What’s your name?”
“Edward,” the man replied as he slid into the driver’s seat. “What’s yours? You do know that, right?”
“Castiel,” he replied.
“Huh,” Edward said. “Kind of a weird name. Maybe you’re foreign.”
“Maybe.”
“Well, we’ve got a while until we get to where you need to be. Maybe something will come back to you.”
Castiel could only hope.
* * *
He learned a lot about Edward on their drive, the first thing being that he hated being called Edward and preferred Ed. His girlfriend of ten years worked for the local electricity company as an accountant, his favorite food was chili, his favorite movie was Conan and he was freaking out about turning thirty next month.
“It’s just so . . . grown up, you know?” He told Castiel over their burgers. “Most of the guys I went to college with are married with kids now and I still feel like a kid myself sometimes. I mean my favorite hobbies are video games and comic books.”
“I don’t think you should worry about what others are doing,” Castiel said as he delicately nibbled at his food. The truth was the burger was already making him feel sick
“Yeah, so long as I’m happy, right?” Ed snorted. “That’s what people keep telling me.”
Castiel set down his burger, deciding that abandoning the pretence of eating was probably wise considering the way his stomach felt.
“And are you happy?” he asked. He didn’t know why but it felt important that he was, probably just because of the kindness Ed had showed him when he really didn’t have to.
“Yeah,” Ed said with a small smile. “I’ve got a wonderful girl, some awesome friends, a roof over my head and a job that I don’t hate. Can’t ask for more than that, can you?”
“No,” Castiel agreed softly with a smile of his own. “I don’t think you can.”
Ed grinned and gestured at Castiel’s plate. “If you’re not gonna eat that do you mind if I take it with us. I’m still hungry.”
Again, Castiel was reminded of someone as he nodded and headed out of the diner with Ed. He had hoped something would have come back to him by now but so far, there was nothing. He just had to hope that someone at the motel they were heading to would be able to give him answers
* * *
It hit him the moment they pulled into the parking lot and he saw the black car parked outside one of the rooms.
Dean Winchester
The name came from nowhere and he had no idea who Dean Winchester was, but he knew that was his car and that he was who Castiel was here to see.
“He’s here.” He was struck with the strange sensation of returning home after a long time away. Of course, it was possible he’d been here before, he didn’t know.
“Great,” Ed said as he pulled the car into an empty space. “You want me to stick around in case he’s out or whatever?”
“No, thank you.”
He couldn’t explain it, like a lot of things that had happened today, but he knew he would be safe here and that it would be better if he met this Dean Winchester alone. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the rest of his money, pressing it into Ed’s hand.
“I’m not taking all of this,” Ed exclaimed when he saw how much Castiel had given him. “This is everything you have. We’ve only driven a couple of hundred miles and you’ve given me enough cash to get me to Canada and back if I wanted.”
Castiel was already climbing out of the car, carefully to avoid aggravating his wounds.
“I consider it a suitable reward for everything you’ve done for me. Thank you, again.”
Ed sighed and pulled a scrap of paper out of his pocket, scribbling on it quickly and handing it to Castiel. “Here’s my number. If things don’t work out here give me a call, ok?”
Castiel nodded. “Thank you, again, for your kindness.”
He got out of the car and walked steadily towards the motel door that he hoped contained the answers he was looking for. He paused outside for a moment and took a steadying breath as he watched Ed drive away. He hoped he wasn’t wrong about this as he knocked.
When no one answered immediately, his heart sank. Either Dean wasn’t home, or he had the wrong room, or he’d been wrong about everything. Then the door opened and Castiel found himself facing a man that was immediately familiar.
“Holy shit! What happened to you?” Dean exclaimed.
Castiel couldn’t answer. It was coming back to him in waves now, overwhelming him and threatening to knock him down with the force of all his memories. He was an angel, or had been. He’d existed for millennia, watching over humans until he’d fallen in love with one, this one.
“I . . .” he began, but he didn’t even know how to put into words what he was feeling. He was struck with the overwhelming urge to just hold Dean, to feel him with his now human body and that sheer need overrode anything else that his new body was experiencing.
“Get inside,” Dean said and although his words were sharp, he guided Castiel gently to the end of the bed and started rummaging for the first aid kit. “So, are you going to tell me what happened or do I have to guess?”
Even in his hurt and exhausted state Castiel could feel the fear and confusion coming off Dean in waves.
“I fell.”
“You fell?” Dean repeated. “Like fell, fell?”
“Yes.”
His eyes were fixed firmly on the brown and rather stained carpet because he couldn’t stand the thought of looking into Dean’s eyes and seeing disgust or anger in them.
Dean set the first aid kit down, sat on the bed beside him, and cupped Castiel’s chin in his hand, tilting his head towards him so that he could examine the cuts on his face.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to,” Sam said from somewhere behind Dean, and Castiel could see in his eyes the understanding of why he had done this.
“Like Hell he doesn’t!” Dean snapped. “What, is this a punishment for helping us because I will-“
“It wasn’t,” Castiel quickly interrupted before Dean unleashed his fury on someone who didn’t deserve it. “I chose this.”
“Chose it over what?” Dean asked. “What are they holding over you, Cas?”
Castiel sighed, suddenly feeling more tired and drained than he had ever felt before. “Nothing. No one forced me to do this Dean. I made the decision for myself.”
“But . . .”
“We need more supplies,” Sam said suddenly, preventing Dean from asking more questions. “I’m gonna go and get stuff.””
“Uh . . .”
“I’ll be back soon.”
He was on his feet and out of the door before either of them could really process what was happening. Castiel suspected it was simply a ploy to leave him alone with Dean for a little while, and he wasn’t sure whether he appreciated it or not. He remained on the bed, idly picking at the end of his coat until Dean spoke.
“So, are you going to tell me what made you take a tumble or do I have to guess?”
Castiel sighed. “Dean, I’m tired. I think. Do you mind if I take a shower before you start with your interrogation?”
For a moment, he thought Dean was going to argue and demand answers, but apparently, he saw just how exhausted Castiel really was because he simply nodded.
“Sure, go ahead. I’ll dig you out some fresh clothes. You’ll have to borrow mine until we can get to a store. Is that ok?”
“That’s fine. Thank you, Dean.”
It was strange but he had grown rather attached to his suit and trench coat. He certainly couldn’t imagine anything else. It was one of the many things about being human that he was going to have to get used to.
He wearily climbed to his feet and trudged into the bathroom, locking the door behind him and letting out a breath he hadn’t even been aware he’d been holding.
Part 2