Fic: Take My Hand (And Lead Me Through The Fire) (2/2)
“You ok in there, Cas?” Dean called through the closed door a while later.
“Yes, thank you.” It had taken him a while to figure out the controls of the shower, getting a burst of freezing cold water followed by scalding hot water before he’d eventually gotten it right. Now he was standing under a stream of warm, bordering on hot, water he wasn’t sure he ever wanted to leave. He had no idea something so simple could feel so wonderful.
“You’re gonna have to come out soon,” Dean called again.
Castiel sighed. He was hiding and he knew it. He suspected that Dean knew it too.
He shut off the shower and wrapped a towel around himself.
“There’s clothes just outside the door,” Dean said once he heard the water being shut off.
Castiel opened the door a crack and to see that Dean had his back to the door and the clothes were in a neat pile on the floor.
“Thank you,” he said softly as he picked up the clothes and took them into the bathroom with him.
Dressing was a strange experience and not just because he’d never had to do it before. These were Dean’s clothes and as he pulled them on, he was struck with the strange sense of loss. He no longer appeared as he always had when in his host’s body. He looked different. He was different and he had no idea what to do about it.
He smoothed down the Metallica t-shirt and stepped out of the bathroom. Dean took one look at him and grinned.
“What?” Castiel asked, looking down at himself self-consciously. “Have I done something wrong?”
“What? Oh, no.” Dean said. “It’s just the clothes aren’t really you.”
“No,” Castiel agreed. “They’re you.”
“And there’s only room for one of me in the world, because I’m so awesome.”
“Yes,” Castiel said with a small smile. “You are.”
Sam arrived back at that moment, putting a stop to any further conversation.
“You look better,” he exclaimed when he saw Castiel.
“I feel better now that I’ve had a shower, thank you.”
“The clothes aren’t really you though,” Sam added as he set down his supplies and set about examining Castiel.
“That’s what I said,” Dean grinned. “You just missed Cas agreeing about how awesome I am. He never would have said that when he was still an angel.”
Castiel felt a strange heat on his face and he lowered his eyes. “I might have, if you’d asked me.”
“It’s mostly just cuts and bruises,” Sam said. “Not much to do about them really. None of them need stitches.”
“I feel much better now,” Castiel assured him. “I think I just need to rest.”
“Take my bed,” Dean offered immediately and Sam shot him an amused smile. “What? It’s not like either of us has never slept in the car before. Those back seats are more comfortable than some beds we’ve had.”
“I don’t want to take away your bed,” Castiel said even though his body was already crying out for the soft mattress and warm blankets.
“Guys,” Sam sighed exasperatedly. “We’re all adults here. No one needs to sleep in the car. We’ve got two queen sized beds here. There’s plenty of room. Two of us just have to share.”
The silence that filled the room was so dense that it felt almost suffocating. A moment passed and the silence was finally broken by Dean.
“You don’t want to share with Sam,” he said almost too casually as he moved all his things over to one side of the bed. “He flails like a toddler. Probably punch you in his sleep or something and the last thing you need is more bruises.”
Sam shrugged helplessly. “It’s true.”
“You. . .” Dean cleared his throat. “You can either share with me, or I can bunk with Sam. Whatever you want.”
Castiel eyed the bed for a moment before looking back at Dean whose eyes were fixed firmly on the wall opposite.
“I wouldn’t want you to get punched in your sleep by your own brother. I’m happy to share with you.”
Dean grinned and Castiel moved around to the other side of the bed sitting down carefully. This wasn’t exactly how he’d imagined spending his first night on Earth as a human, and while he didn’t object to sharing a bed with Dean in the slightest it felt slightly strange that they were doing so before Castiel had told Dean how he felt about him.
“I hope you don’t snore by the way,” Dean said as he pulled some sleeping clothes out his bag.
“I don’t know,” Castiel replied. “You’ll have to tell me in the morning.”
Dean snorted and shook his head. “That’s gotta be the only time I’ve heard that line from someone who wasn’t a girl . . . or me . . . or a porn star.”
Dean didn’t seem to mind though and if Castiel had been less tired he’d have sworn there was a slight bounce to Dean’s step as he walked into the bathroom.
“Are you all right, really?” Sam asked once the bathroom door had closed.
“Yes, thank you.” Castiel replied. “Aside from my physical injuries I feel fine.
“Well, that’s good.”
Castiel moaned as he slid into bed. The softness felt so good against his bruised and aching body. Tomorrow he would talk to Dean and tell him everything but right now, he just wanted to sleep.
* * *
He must have fallen asleep almost immediately because the next thing he knew there was light filtering through the curtains and Dean’s face was a few inches away from his own. Castiel blinked in surprise and then a soft smile curled at his lips.
He’d watched Dean sleep before, more times than he cared to admit in fact, but he’d never allowed himself to get this close. He could actually count the individual freckles that spattered across his nose and cheeks. Every time Dean exhaled, Castiel felt a warm puff of air across his face.
He could feel his body already reacting to Dean’s closeness and it startled him a little. There wasn’t much about the human body that he did not know, but experiencing it first hand was an entirely different matter. He felt hot, and tingly and slightly uncomfortable, but not in a bad way.
He lay there for a few minutes, just watching Dean and listening to him breathe. If every morning could start like this it was worth the pain of falling, he decided. He was warm, comfortable and felt a sense of peace that he had not experienced in a long time. All of this just from being close to Dean.
His stomach rumbled and it occurred to Castiel that he was going to have to eat and drink properly now that he was human, but he had no idea what he actually liked or disliked. The only thing he knew so far was that he didn’t like greasy burgers. His whole life was now a blank canvas which he was going to have to color. At least he had Dean here with him. Knowing that he wasn’t alone made the task slightly less daunting.
He heard Sam get up and stagger into the bathroom and he waited until the door had closed and he heard the shower running before turning his attention back to Dean. His lips were parted slightly as he breathed and Castiel ached to brush his fingertips over them, or stroke his hair. He just wanted to touch Dean, and found that the urge became stronger the closer he was to the hunter . He knew it wasn’t appropriate though, not while Dean was sleeping, so instead he started counting Dean’s freckles while he waited for Sam to finish.
* * *
He’d reached one hundred and forty seven freckles when Sam came back into the bedroom. Dean’s eyes snapped open at the sound of Sam rummaging through one of the bags and he looked confused for a moment when he saw Castiel before a smile spread over his face.
“Well, you don’t snore.”
Castiel couldn’t help but smile back. “That’s. . . good to know.”
For a moment they just lay there, facing each other with dumb smiles on their faces until Castiel’s stomach rumbled again.
“Sounds like someone needs breakfast. What do you want?”
“I don’t know,” Castiel said sheepishly as Dean got out of bed and started pulling some clothes out of his bag. Castiel was already mournfully missing the warmth and comfort of having Dean beside him. “I’ve never had breakfast before.”
“Awesome!” Dean beamed as he pulled off his t-shirt and reached for a clean one. Castiel found himself unable to tear his eyes away from Dean’s bare torso. “That means you get to try everything and that I get to eat the stuff you don’t like. It’s win-win.”
“But what if I don’t like the same things you don’t like?” Castiel asked doubtfully.
Sam chuckled from the other bed and Castiel was ashamed to say he’d actually forgotten the other Winchester brother was there. “You’ve met Dean, right? There’s nothing he won’t eat.”
Dean shrugged. “Some of us just have a healthy appetite, Sammy. Now, since you’re already showered and dressed why don’t you haul ass and get us some breakfast. Lots of it.”
“Fine,” Sam sighed, catching the car keys as Dean tossed them to him. “I’ll be back soon.”
Castiel eased himself out of bed once Sam was gone, letting out a soft moan as his aching muscles made themselves known.
“You ok?” Dean asked. “I mean apart from the whole not being an angel anymore thing. Which we will be talking about by the way.”
Castiel sighed. “I want to tell you about it, Dean. I do. I just need a little time. This is all new to me. I have all of these . . . feelings . . . and I don’t know what they all mean. I don’t know if I’m tired or hungry or bored.”
“Well, talking about feelings is kind of more Sam’s area but I can try and help,” Dean replied. “Like, tell me how you’re feeling right now.”
Castiel looked at Dean, his eyes focused on the hunter’s mussed hair and pillow creases on his cheek. The aching feeling in his chest was back again and he took a step closer to Dean.
“I feel. . .” He struggled to find the words.
At that point, Dean’s phone rang and Castiel sighed as the moment was lost.
“What?” Dean snapped when he answered. “Sam, what part of bring a bit of everything did you not understand? That includes coffee, tea and juice. Yeah, ok. Bye.”
He threw the phone back onto the table with a growl before flashing Castiel an apologetic grin.
“Sam says he’ll be back in a few minutes.”
* * *
During breakfast Castiel decided that he liked tea, orange juice, pancakes, scrambled eggs and bacon but that he did not like coffee, sausages or hash browns.
“Well, that’s a good start,” Dean said as he plowed into all the food that was left. Castiel watched with a morbid sense of fascination as Dean practically shoveled food into his mouth.
“What?” Dean asked around a mouthful of eggs when he caught Castiel watching him.
“Don’t you make yourself sick eating like that?” Castiel asked in wonder.
“Oh, I think Dean’s body is pretty much immune to anything he throws at it now,” Sam laughed.
Dean tossed a plastic fork at Sam’s head and carried on eating.
“Feel like indulging in a bit of retail therapy after breakfast?” Dean asked. This time he did them courtesy of waiting until his mouth was empty before speaking.
“You want to go shopping?” Sam raised an eyebrow. “Really? You?”
“What? Cas needs clothes. There’s no way in Hell I’m letting you take him and have him come back looking like an Abercrombie and Fitch commercial.”
Sam flipped him off and addressed Castiel instead. “Just don’t let him bully you into buying things you don’t like, ok?”
“Hey, I’m not some sort of fashion Nazi,” Dean huffed. “Cas can buy whatever he wants.”
Castiel nodded his head in agreement, although he was fairly sure he’d be happy with a duplicate of the clothes he’d ruined when he fell. He was willing to try though. Just as with the food, he needed to find out what he liked.
“You ready to go, Cas?”
“Yes,” he replied.
As ready as he would ever be at least.
* * *
He had never felt more lost in his life, even with Dean Winchester at his side. The rails of clothing seemed to go on for miles and he had no idea where to even begin.
“It’s not that bad,” Dean assured him. “Come on, relax. We already know that band t-shirts and plaid are out. How do you feel about jeans?”
Castiel shifted around a little, testing the fabric and trying desperately not to think about the fact that they were Dean’s jeans he was wearing.
“I find the material a little stiff,” he finally admitted.
Dean grinned. “Yeah, I guess they would feel that way after you’re used to wearing dress pants.”
After he pulled off a few different kinds of slacks, some made of a tougher khaki fabric for when he needed to hunt, Dean picked out some plain button down shirts and a couple of thin sweaters.
“Try these on and see what you think.”
He took the clothes and ducked into a nearby changing cubicle. It took him a surprisingly short amount of time to decide that he liked the color blue. There was something comforting about it, so he put aside a blue shirt and a blue sweater and tried them on with a pair of black pants.
“Do I look acceptable?” He asked Dean who was waiting outside. He felt that strange heat in his face again when Dean simply stared at him for a moment with his mouth slightly open and Castiel had to fight the urge to run back inside and change into something else.
“You look good,” Dean finally said with a small smile.
Castiel smiled in return. “I like them. Do you think it would be all right if I wore them home?”
“Desperate to get out of my clothes already?” Dean asked with a smirk.
His grin faded as Castiel blushed and he cleared his throat. “Sure, that’s not a problem. Just grab the other things you want and I’ll go and pay.”
* * *
“Thank you for the clothes,” Castiel said as they walked through the dimly lit underground parking lot towards Dean’s car.
“No problem,” Dean replied. “Trust me, you should just be glad it was me who came with you and not Sam.”
“I am glad it was you,” Castiel said earnestly. “I would be lost without you.”
It was time, he decided, to have another attempt at the conversation they had started in the motel room that morning.
“Dean,” he said cautiously as they reached the car. “I need to tell you why I chose to fall.”
Dean fell completely still, his hand froze in his pocket where he had been reaching for his car keys.
“It’s not a decision I made lightly,” Castiel continued when he received no response from Dean. “I’ve lost almost everything that I have ever known, but it was worth it because-“
A strange clicking sound stopped him mid-sentence and his eyes widened when he saw the man standing behind Dean pointing a gun at them both. Even in the dim light, he could see the red-rimmed eyes and trembling hands, having watched humans long enough to recognize the signs of drug abuse.
“Gimme your wallets,” the man rasped, “and your car keys and nobody needs to get hurt.”
Castiel watched Dean take a deep, steadying breath before he turned around slowly so that they were both facing the robber.
“Take it easy, okay?” Dean said carefully as he raised his hands. Castiel tensed when he saw Dean subtly moving so that he was between him and the gunman.
“Dean, I think we should do as he says,” Castiel softly. “There is no sense in getting hurt over material things.”
His voice might have been calm but he could feel his heart pounding rapidly in his chest. He had known fear when he had been an angel, but the fear he felt now was almost crippling. He had seen how men under the influence of drugs acted; they were irrational and could not be reasoned with. There was a distinct possibility that they were going to die, less than twenty-four hours after he’d become human.
What was worse was that the fear he felt was less for himself and more for Dean, who was reckless and often acted without thinking. It was up to him to stop that from happening.
Unfortunately, the gunman heard his words to Dean and moved his attention to Castiel instead, pointing the gun over Dean’s shoulder and at his head.
“You first. Gimme your wallet.”
“I’m sorry,” Castiel said with all the regret he was feeling in his heart. “I don’t have a wallet.”
“Don’t fuck with me!” There was a definite edge of hysteria to his voice now. “Do you want to die? Do you want your boyfriend here to die? Just give me your fucking wallet!”
Castiel felt nauseous now. He had nothing to give this man. No wallet, no keys, no watch. All he had were the clothes on his back.
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
“Here!” Dean interrupted, reaching into his pocket. “Take whatever you want, man.”
That was when everything seemed to suddenly slow down.
Castiel heard the shot before anything else and he toppled backwards as Dean crashed into him. He cracked his head against the car door and for a moment, everything faded away into nothingness.
When he came to his senses, he could hear the pounding of feet as the robber ran away.
“He’s gone,” Castiel sighed in relief. “Dean?”
That was when he realized that Dean was still slumped on top of him and that he wasn’t moving.
“Dean?”
He winced as pain flared through his head when he moved but he carefully sat up and eased Dean off him.
The nauseous fear that he had felt while having a gun pointed at him flared up into a cold terror as he took in Dean’s appearance. His eyes were closed, his face was far too pale and there was a red stain blossoming across his chest.
For a moment, the fear and shock completely paralyzed him and all that he could do was stare at the blood.
“No,” he whispered mostly to himself. “No, this can’t be happening.”
He glanced around the parking lot, eyes pleading for someone to come and help them but there was no one.
“Please,” he called half to Dean and half to the darkness. “Please, help me.”
There was no reply.
“PLEASE!” He called more loudly as his senses slowly returned to him. “Please, someone help me!”
He knew he had to stop the bleeding or Dean was going to die right here, cold and without his brother. He grabbed the blue shirt from the fallen shopping bag and bunched it up before pressing it firmly over the wound.
Dean let out a small groan but showed no signs of waking.
“Please, Dean,” Castiel pleaded as he attempted to staunch the bleeding. “You can’t leave me. Not like this.”
“Help is coming, Castiel.”
He flinched at the presence of the new voice and his head shot up to find Anna crouching down beside him. There was a time when he would have been able to sense her before she arrived but those days were gone.
Her eyes were warm with concern as she placed her hands over his and helped him slow the bleeding.
“I’ve told Sam what happened and he’s called for an ambulance. It should be here in a few minutes.”
Castiel glanced down at Dean. His own hands were red with Dean’s blood now and Dean’s face was getting paler by the moment.
“Please,” he begged. “Can you do anything for him?”
“You know I can’t,” Anna replied sadly. “His fate is in God’s hands now.”
Dean would hate that, Castiel was sure. He always believed in making his own fate and although he had served God in the Holy War, it was to protect humanity rather than anything divine.
“Am I being punished?” He asked softly. “Is Dean being taken as punishment for my decision to fall?”
“You know He doesn’t work like that,” Anna said gently.
“I was about to tell him,” Castiel said softly. “I was about to tell him everything and if he dies . . .”
“So tell him,” Anna said rising to her feet. “It’s not too late.”
Castiel blinked and in that moment, Anna was gone. He turned his attention back to Dean and swallowed against the lump that had formed in his throat.
“I did this for you,” he whispered, ignoring the tears that were now rolling down his cheeks. “I’m only just starting to learn how to live as a human and I already know that a life without you in it is no life at all. So, you can’t leave me Dean. You still have so much to teach me and I have so much to learn. I can’t imagine doing it without you. I’m here because I wanted to be closer to you, to truly feel, and even if you don’t share the feelings I have for you I don’t regret my decision. My only regret will be losing you, so, please, you have to live.”
He could hear the wail of the ambulance sirens now, but Dean remained unresponsive.
Castiel did the only thing he could do.
He prayed.
* * *
Everything was moving too fast now.
The ambulance arrived and the paramedics quickly took Dean from him and Castiel found himself bundled into the ambulance alongside him.
“Is he going to be all right?” Castiel asked weakly as he watched Dean being hooked up to far too many machines.
“We’re doing our best to help him,” one of the paramedics assured him but that was all they were willing to say on the matter.
Once Dean was secure and the ambulance was on the move Castiel bowed his head and resumed his prayers.
* * *
Dean was wheeled away as soon as they arrived at the hospital and Castiel found himself with a young doctor who set about checking his head wound.
“Does this hurt?”
Castiel could only shake his head. The truth was he felt numb and all that he could think about was Dean. He could barely bring himself to look at Sam when he was shown in by a nurse.
“How is he?” Sam’s eyes widened when he took in Castiel’s appearance. “How bad is it?”
“I don’t know,” Castiel replied weakly.
He felt more exhausted than he’d ever felt before, more so even than when he had fallen. Right now he felt as though he could simply collapse right there in the middle of the room and not wake up until he knew Dean was going to be all right.
“I’ll see if I can find out what’s happening.”
Castiel watched until Sam disappeared from sight, barely hearing the doctor tell him that his own injuries were superficial. He found himself steered out into the waiting area where he stood and waited for Sam to return
“He’s in surgery,” Sam said and Castiel had no idea how much time had actually passed. “Apparently we won’t know anything for a few hours at least.”
He handed Castiel a paper cup and guided him over to one of the plastic chairs as they both sat down. “I brought you some juice. You should drink it. It’ll help with the shock.”
Right now, the idea of eating or drinking anything was so far from Castiel’s thoughts it didn’t even bear considering. But he appreciated that Sam was trying to help, even when he was worried about his brother, so he sipped the juice delicately and together they waited.
“Do you want me to see if I can find you some clean clothes?” Sam asked after a few minutes.
He glanced down at himself and noticed for the first time that his shirt was covered with Dean’s blood. Dean’s life.
“Dean liked this shirt,” he murmured softly, mostly to himself.
Sam said nothing more on the subject.
They sat there, side by side, waiting in silence until eventually a doctor came out to them.
“Your brother is very lucky,” she told Sam, and Castiel barely heard anything beyond that. He caught snippets of “missed his vital organs” and “lost a lot of blood” but the rest was just a rushing noise inside his head.
“Can we see him?” Sam asked which snapped Castiel back to attention. He didn’t care what the doctor said now, and he suspected Sam didn’t either. They needed to see Dean and nothing was going to get in the way of that.
“He’s still unconscious but he could wake up at any moment. You’re welcome to sit with him if you’d like.”
Sam took the lead with Castiel close behind him; all of the forces of Hell couldn’t stop them from getting to that room.
He froze when he entered the doorway. Dean lay in bed, face still too pale, hooked up to so many machines that Castiel could barely see where they ended and Dean began. Sam took a seat by his brother’s side, his eyes fixed permanently on Dean’s face as though he could use sheer force of will to get him to wake up.
“I’ll have someone find another chair,” the doctor said but Castiel barely heard her. “I know it looks scary but it really could have been a lot worse.”
“Thank you, doctor,” Sam said softly and as the doctor left the room the only sound that remained was the steady beat of Dean’s heart monitor. It was a comforting sound in that it reassured them that Dean was still alive but at the same time, it was a constant reminder of where they were and why they were there.
“I’ve been here too many times,” Sam mused after a few minutes. “I don’t understand why these things keep happening to him. He’s been in the hospital more times in the past five years than I have in my entire life.”
Castiel shook his head sadly. “I wish I had answers for you, Sam, but I don’t. The truth is that I’m struggling to understand this just as much as you are.”
He took Dean’s limp hand in his, needing to reassure himself of Dean’s warmth
“Did you tell him?” Sam asked as he watched what Castiel was doing.
“No,” Castiel replied. “I had just started to when this happened. I told him while we were waiting for the ambulance but he was unconscious.”
“Well, maybe he heard you,” Sam suggested. “They say that when people are in comas they can hear you.”
“That’s not actually true,” Castiel said flatly. “It’s just something that’s said to provide comfort to those who are still awake.”
“Oh.”
They sat there in silence for a while, Castiel letting the steady beat of the heart monitor soothe him as he brushed his thumb rhythmically over the back of Dean’s hand.
“Can I ask you something?” Sam finally asked.
“If you wish.”
“Was it worth it? You’ve seen for yourself what we’re capable of. All that hatred and violence. I don’t get why you would want to be a part of that. Dean could have died and you’d have been left here less than a day after falling to be with him.”
Castiel considered it for a moment, although he had been thinking of little else since he had been left in the hospital waiting room.
“Isn’t that what being human means though?” He finally asked. “Human life is filled with uncertainty. Yes, we nearly lost Dean today, but we didn’t. Yes, there are some people whose lives revolve around violence and hatred but there are also those who radiate love and warmth. You have to understand, Sam, that as an angel I felt very little of anything. There were the occasional moments of doubt and regret but that’s all.
Then I met Dean and everything changed. I fell in love, or at least as close to love as an angel can feel. It was enough for me to know I wanted to fall and be with him. But what I feel now, the real and human love I feel for your brother, is absolutely worth the risk that uncertainty brings.”
“Wow,” Sam breathed. “You really love him, don’t you. I mean I knew but . . . wow.”
Castiel nodded. “The love I feel for Dean is stronger than any other emotion I have ever felt, even stronger than the fear I have of losing him.”
At that moment, he felt Dean’s hand twitch beneath his own and then Dean let out a soft moan.
“Dean?” Sam called hopefully, leaning forward in his seat. “Are you awake? Can you hear me?”
“Well, I’m sure as Hell not dead,” Dean groaned, his voice dry and raspy. “Dead doesn’t feel this bad.”
Sam sighed in relief as Dean opened his eyes and he quickly fed him a few ice chips to help soothe his throat. “Damn, it’s good to hear your voice.”
Dean raised his head slightly. “Is Cas here? I thought I heard him.”
“I’m here, Dean,” Castiel said, giving Dean’s hand a gentle squeeze.
“I’m gonna go and find the doctor,” Sam quickly hurried out of the room.
“You okay?” Dean asked, dropping his head back onto the pillow. “That son of a bitch didn’t hurt you did he? You look like crap.”
“I’m uninjured,” Castiel assured him. He certainly wasn’t going to tell Dean that he was all right, because that would be a lie. He felt like his soul had been ripped to pieces and then hurriedly stuck back together again. He wanted to sleep for at least a week, but not until Dean was out of the hospital and lying beside him.
“Looks like we’re going to have to go shopping again when I get out of here,” Dean chuckled.
“I’m just glad you’re all right,” Castiel said. “I was so worried that I was going to lose you.”
“Nah, takes more than one lousy bullet to put me down,” Dean assured him and Castiel knew Dean was just trying to make him feel better. He appreciated the attempt even if he didn’t believe him.
“So . . .” Dean continued after a moment. “I heard what you said to Sam about why you fell and if it was worth it.”
Castiel’s thumb stilled where it has still been stroking Dean’s hand. “Oh.”
He wasn’t really sure what he was supposed to say to that. Dean didn’t seem disgusted by the notion that Castiel loved him, but it was possible that was only because he was too exhausted to do anything else.
“Does that . . . is it a bad thing?” Castiel asked hesitantly, fearing what the answer was going to be.
“No,” Dean said softly, squeezing his hand around Castiel’s fingers. “Pretty damn far from it actually. No one has ever said anything like that about me before.”
He paused for a moment, apparently considering his words carefully before deciding to continue. “I’ve never been good at this sort of thing. Well, you’ve seen me, you know. I’m not a good person, Cas. I lie, cheat, steal, screw anything that looks my way and the things I did when I was in Hell . . .”
“I’ve already told you, those actions have been forgiven.” Castiel said gently.
“See, that’s what I’m talking about,” Dean replied. “You act like those things aren’t a big deal when I know they are. You don’t seem to care about it at all.”
“I care.” Castiel raised Dean’s fingers to his lips and kissed them gently. “I care because that is part of who you are, Dean, and I love you because of those things not in spite of them. And the fact that you’re worried about this tells me just what sort of man you really are.”
“You want to know when I first realized that maybe you weren’t a total dick?” Dean asked with a small smile. “Halloween, when we were in the park after the whole Samhain thing. I remember I cracked some lame joke and you sort of smiled. That was when I realized you weren’t some soulless thing and then the way you looked at me when I kissed Anna.”
“I was jealous,” Castiel confirmed, “That she had been close to you and I knew I never would be.”
“And look at us now,” Dean smiled, glancing down at their clasped hands. “This is what I’m trying to say, Cas. You’ve never been like the rest of the angels, not even Anna. You always try to do the right thing, and when that meant disobeying everything you’d ever known you did it. You risked everything and that’s why I. . . why I want to be with you.”
The sheer force of emotion that flooded through Castiel was nearly enough to knock him from his chair. He had hoped and prayed that Dean would return his feelings but he’d never really imagined it would be possible. For one brief moment, he wondered whether it was possibly to die of happiness, because he felt as though he was close to that right now.
“So . . . would it be all right if I kissed you?” He asked shyly, his voice soft and filled with hope.
Dean actually laughed and Castiel felt all the joy he’d been feeling draining away in an instant. “I’m sorry. I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“What?” Dean asked. “Oh, shit, I do! I’m sorry, Cas. It’s just if you knew how long I’d been waiting to hear you ask that then you’d know how funny it was. Now get over here.”
Castiel leant forward and pressed his lips to Dean’s. It was a chaste kiss at first until Dean let out a soft moan and deepened it, slipping his tongue into Castiel’s mouth and exploring it fully.
It was Castiel’s first kiss and if he’d been worried about not knowing what to do, those fears quickly melted away as he responded on instinct to Dean. A warmth flooded through him that surpassed the way he’d felt when he’d woken up beside the hunter that morning. He found that he wanted to do so much more than just kiss Dean but unfortunately, those thoughts were interrupted by the arrival of the doctor with Sam not far behind.
“Well, you’re obviously feeling better,” she smiled as she set about examining her patient. Sam simply smirked from the doorway as he watched.
Eventually, the doctor said that they would need to keep Dean for a couple of days to monitor him but barring any complications, which looked unlikely, he would be free to go after that so long as he got plenty of rest.
“Well,” Sam said once the doctor had left them. “I think I’m gonna go and crash at the motel now I know you’re ok. Don’t ever scare me like that again, dude. At least not for a while.”
“I’ll do my best, bro,” Dean promised. “Cas should go with you though. He’s going to need his strength for what I have planned when I get out of here.”
The grin Dean flashed him was positively wicked and Castiel couldn’t help but smile in return. Dean Winchester was back.
“Dude,” Sam groaned, “I am so getting my own room.”
“Probably for the best, Sammy,” Dean said as he winked at Castiel. “Cas and I will be doing it on every available surface in our room, including your bed.”
“I think I’m gonna throw up.”
Castiel laughed. His first real laugh since falling. This was what being human meant, and he had never been more glad to be a part of it
The End.