The Heart of the Matter
Patience, as Hyde was discovering, was not an easy virtue to come by. Once he had decided he wanted Gackt; the desire was so singly concentrated in his psyche that he was finding it very difficult to think of anything else at all. Dreams of the beautiful man had shadowed him at all hours, sleeping or awake. It was for the most part pleasant, but really, it was very distracting to be picturing your best friend bending you over the table while you were eating at said table.
It had been over a week since Hyde had come up with his very specific plan and so far he was sticking to it very well. However, he hadn’t counted on just how easy it was to be side-tracked by a glimpse of smooth pale skin. He certainly had a whole new level of respect for Gackt’s self-control, even if said self-control was the reason he had to scheme in the first place. He was certain, that had he been the one pining for the other for so long he would have eventually cracked and likely done something very stupid.
Self-deprecation aside, waiting for Gackt to get the clue was very difficult. His plan was simple really: he needed to subtly let his friend know he was ready for his confession; imply that the attraction was mutual. It would be so much easier if he could just march up to Gackt, yank him down by that impeccably styled, beautiful hair and kiss him. Hyde knew, though, that it would be a sore spot on his Gacchan’s pride if he’d had to have things spelled out so blatantly. Besides, since it was Gacchan that had loved silently for so long, the confession really belonged to him, it wasn’t Hyde’s to make.
This, of course, brought him to his plan and his current difficulties with patience. Hyde had started by just returning the small gestures that had been his clues to Gackt’s feeling. His fingers would linger against his arm, his body sometimes leaned in a little too close to Gackt’s, and he stayed in his warm embrace a second or two longer than was usual.
When Gacchan proved all but oblivious to theses subtle little hints he changed tactics a little. He started letting his body brush past him as often as he could get away with it, passing each other in the kitchen, the hallway, moving to sit down on the couch. He enjoyed listening to the very subtle hitch in Gackt’s breath when he would place his hand on his thigh and lean over him to reach something, pressing in close enough to smell the others faint cologne. Close enough for Gackt’s breath to brush over his neck and send a soft shiver down his spine before he would pull back and smile to him as he settled back with whatever he’d reached for.
Another week of this, though, and Hyde’s libido was getting more frustrated by the day. The phrase, ‘delayed gratification’ had almost become a mantra to cling to, repeated silently each time he considered forfeiting his plan entirely. Only a few more days, however, and he would be switching tactics completely if things didn’t change.
(…)(=^.^=)(…)
Gackt was finding himself to be slightly unsettled. The worst of it was that he had no idea what it was that had been altered to make him so and that in itself was slightly unnerving. He was fairly certain that this strange feeling was rooted in Hyde. His friend was all but living with him at the moment and being constantly in his company was causing a gentle ache to reside continuously in his chest. The ache was nothing new and Gackt didn’t attribute his unease to it, but he had a small feeling that this and the other were linked.
There was a strange energy about Hyde lately, of that he was certain. His friend seemed to be bouncing on the edge of something big that was about to happen, and he didn’t seem entirely satisfied with the wait for it. Hyde had also seemed to redefine their personal space bubbles… to the point that he wasn’t sure they existed any more. Keeping up the pretense of not being in love with your friend was made increasingly difficult when suddenly your imagination had been kicked up a notch.
His imagination was so overactive the last week that he’d even started to imagine a ghost of lust in his friends lightly lined eyes when they met his own. Of course, he excused the notion anytime it came into his head; such thoughts were dangerous when you were determined to keep your attraction to someone secret.
It wasn’t until the accidentally brushings of Hyde’s body against his own stopped that he became aware of the frequency of their occurrence. Only when Hyde seemed to stop touching him near as much that he realized that the touches had been lingering, having them pulled away now made him long for them ten times as much as before.
For scarcely a day Hyde barely touched him at all, seemed pulled into his own world, never seeking out to talk to Gackt or draw him into any kind of interaction. He didn’t deny Gackt’s attempts… but he didn’t make any either. Barely a day and it was driving Gackt crazy.
The next morning after breakfast he couldn’t take it anymore and approached Hyde as he was sitting on the couch, reading, as he often did.
Gackt wet his lower lip lightly, a sign of nerves he didn’t usually allow himself before he sat slowly down on the edge of the couch. “Haido,” he started slowly, gently, waiting until his friend put the book down and looked up at him. “Is something bothering you?”
Rather than responding with the, ‘no, everything’s fine’ that Gackt had been half expecting, Hyde looked down thoughtfully, shifting to sit up a little more before meeting Gackt’s eyes, “Gacchan… is there something you need to tell me?” he asked gently, throwing Gackt completely off guard and for a millisecond his eyes widened with surprise and a touch of panic before he pulled his mask down over them.
“What do you mean Haido?” he asked softly, confused and keeping the panic at bay. Certainly he hadn’t guessed it? He’d been so careful... what would he do if he did find out?
Hyde sighed softly giving Gackt the impression that he was trying to hide how disappointed that answer had made him. Gackt watched as his lips parted to let Hyde wet them gently, not looking at him. “Gacchan… we’ve been friends for a long time, the best of friends.” He sighed and looked back up at him again, “I can tell your keeping something from me. I don’t know how long exactly you’ve been doing so, but I know it’s been a while.”
Gackt was very carefully frozen, trying to keep his breathing even as he watched Hyde. “Hyde… you don’t understand, I can’t…”
There it was again, that not quite veiled look of disappointment and Gackt’s poor heart ached harder for seeing it. “Gacchan… are you protecting someone besides one of us with this secret?” he asked gently to which Gackt had to mutely shake his head. Hyde sat up a little more and leaned in to hold his eyes, “it involves me, I’m certain it does. If you’re not protecting someone else it means you think you’re protecting me. Gacchan, this secret standing between us like this is the only thing I can see in danger of harming this friendship, much more dangerous the secret itself. Please, just tell me.” The last plea was aided by eyes open and honest and waiting for Gackt’s answer.
But Gackt had been keeping this secret for too long to just release it like this without any thought to how he should do it, if he should do it. Was there another secret perhaps that Hyde had caught wind of? But no… this was really the only thing he’d ever kept from the older singer.
Seeing Gackt’s indecision Hyde sighed and leaned in to press a gentle kiss to his temple, “I’m going back to my apartment for a few days; call me, please, when you’re ready to talk.” With that said Hyde stood and moved to his room to grab his jacket and his shoes before he was leaving the house, Gackt still sitting in the same place he had been. Should anyone be able to see them, they would notice that even through the blue Gackt’s eyes were a swirl of conflicted emotions and swallowing hard he sat back against the couch and brought his hand up to run shakily through his hair.
The next couple days were mostly a blur to Gackt, so wrapped up was he in what he should do, what he should tell Hyde, how he should tell him. He barely remembered to eat and slept fitfully, completely focused on the very real obstacle between his and Hyde’s friendship.
He considered, of course, lying but the thought was gone before it really began. He considered also leaving out most of it, telling Hyde the barebones of it and making it to be less than it was but that was discarded almost as quickly as lying. He knew that if he was going to confess his long held secret to Hyde that his friend would get the full truth and nothing less. He deserved nothing less.
His mind worked over the scenario so many times, went over and over all the possible reactions so completely, that he was becoming a nervous wreck about it all. This was likely partly because he never lingered long over the favorable outcomes, dreading the crushing disappointment when long held hopes were dashed forever. In any case he knew he was going to have to face Hyde and could only do it on at least some decent sleep and he knocked himself out with a good sleeping pill to insure it.
(...)(=^.^=)(...)
When Hyde arrived as promised just after Gackt’s nervous call the shorter man had to keep his concern for Gackt from showing too heavily in his eyes. He knew what his confrontation was doing to Gackt, knew that he was terrified of losing Hyde completely. If he wasn’t so completely besotted with the idiot he might have been upset at his seeming lack of faith in Hyde’s ability to cope. As it was, he was just ready for his friend to stop being tortured about this.
The two watched each other as they moved to sit at opposite ends of his comfortable couch, facing each other to make the conversation easier. Hyde kept his manner relaxed even as his heart was racing; trying to ease Gackt’s obvious nerves a little.
Gackt looked at him, took a breath and then seemed to reconsider, taking a drink of the sake he’d poured. Hyde’s response was to fight a faint amused smile, he couldn’t remember any time he’d seen his friend so obviously un-composed, and he found he really liked this proof of his friend indeed being human. “Gacchan… it’s okay, this is me you’re talking to,” Hyde reassured him gently, reaching out to place his hand over his and squeeze just briefly, “just relax and start from the beginning.”
Nodding slowly Gackt took another breath before looking up to meet his eyes for the first time since Hyde had arrived and the older singer was pleased to note that the blue contacts had been abandoned for this talk. “Haido, do you remember a couple weeks ago when you mentioned the incident during Moon Child where I nearly kissed you?”
Hyde merely nodded, indicating he did indeed remember, not thinking he could keep from giving away what he knew if he spoke. Gackt wet his lip and nodded, “well, that day I wasn’t lying when I said you looked so beautiful sitting there, that the urge to lean over and kiss you had almost been too much,” he dropped his eyes, unable to keep looking at Hyde, “when you said you weren’t sure how long I’ve been keeping this from you, I would have to say that it was before that moment. I think perhaps that it started from the very first time I met you, but it was just before that moment when I realized it for myself.”
He took in a shaky breath and released it, clearly having thought about how he wanted to say this for a while. “It was everything about you that did it… the way you move, the way you speak, especially the easy caring manner in which you interact with the people around you. I found that I couldn’t help but be drawn to you, and before I knew it was quite addicted to your presence. The closer we grew as friends the worse it got and for awhile there I had to remind myself constantly that you were married, that you couldn’t…” he trailed off to keep his voice from shaking and swallowed, blinking away the emotions building up, taking a moment before he could trust his voice.
“For six years I have been so completely in love with you that it feels like I can’t take a breath without being reminded of it…” he managed finally, barely above a whisper.
Hyde stayed silent and took in his own shaky breath, eyes misting as he watched his friend bare his soul to him. Knowing that Gacchan loved him was certainly one thing, but hearing it professed in person, knowing what it took Gackt to say what he did, had his heart aching and filled all at the same time and he all but reached out for him before Gackt spoke again.
Misreading Hyde’s silence as unhappy shock he was quick to assure him that he would never ever expect anything from Hyde, that he loved being just friends with him and how very much he had hated keeping this from him for so long. Hyde watched a little helplessly as a tear slipped down Gackt’s cheek, holding his heart out for Hyde while telling him it was okay to break it.
The pain-filled rambling proved too much for Hyde’s control at last, though, and he moved forward quickly. Placing hands on either side of Gackt against the couch he forced him to acknowledge him. With a simple, “Gackt,” Hyde had damp brown eyes lifting to look up at him, braced for the rejection. What he found instead was Hyde’s own slightly misted eyes holding his and a whispered, “shut up..” before he suddenly had Hyde’s soft, perfect lips pressed firmly, finally, to his own, stealing his breath as surprised eyes slid closed to instinctively savor the feeling.
All too soon Hyde had pulled back but this time there was a smile in those damp brown eyes as Hyde held his. “I love you too,” he whispered simply. The words sunk quickly into Gackt’s heart, replacing the misery of only moments before, healing a heart full of years of uncertainty as if none of it had ever existed. He barely had time to process it all and let the smile light up his eyes before Hyde’s lips were back against his, happily righting any wrong that had ever existed in Gackt’s world.
A/N: well here with are, and with record time for me. All those reviews made writing this really easy :-) So, I wanted to end part three fairly conclusively. I know there are some few, rare people who don't like reading smut so I wanted them to have a good place to stop if they choose. However, for those of us who are smut lovers, guess what's coming in part four? Review please!
Edit: Hunting for Smut? Well look no further! Delayed Gratification is up and ready to service your needs.