Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Four
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Four:
Right Beside You
-~*~-
January 10th, 2001
Jensen is silent as the nurse makes her rounds, checking his vitals and the various machines attached to him, and then sending him a friendly smile on her way out of the room. He hasn’t spoken much since he woke up, since Jared told him the one thing he’d wanted to hear all along.
He knows he is worrying his boyfriend, being so quiet, staring off into nothing. Jensen can’t help it though, this is a lot to be put on him at the moment. Part of him still wants what Jared is proposing, wants to be able to tell the world he’s in love with a wonderful man, but a larger part is too afraid. His perspective on the whole idea has been changed, in a drastic way. He’d been given a rude awakening, shown a side of humanity that is rather cruel and uncaring, and he knows there are others out there that feel the same way those guys did.
He can’t help but think he has been naïve all this time, wanting so bad to believe the best in everyone, wanted to believe he could be with Jared and be happy. He never considered the backlash, the phobia they would face. Of course he isn’t stupid, he knew that not everyone would accept two men together, they’d be frowned upon at times and face their share of hurtful words thrown their way, but he never thought about the violence that could be aimed at them. He knew that it happened, he has read many stories about hate crimes that have been committed, but for some reason he never thought he would be victimized just for being himself.
Then again no one expects to be victimized.
He has been taught a hard lesson though, one he isn’t soon to forget. He really can’t help feeling disappointed because all he has wanted was for Jared to come out of the closet and be with him the way couples should be, but now that Jared is ready it couldn’t be at a worse time.
He knows he is letting his fear rule him but he figures he has a right to be scared. After everything he just went through, he’s certain it would shake anyone up. Every time he closes his eyes he’s brought back to that night, can feel phantom punches hitting his body, two angry faces behind his eyelids.
He wants to be strong, to put this behind him and not let it hurt his future with Jared, but the truth is he isn’t that strong. He doesn’t want to get hurt again, doesn’t want to see Jared get hurt. He’s beginning to think Jared had it right all along, keeping their relationship just between them and their close friends was wise, safe.
Jared has had a change of heart though and Jensen isn’t sure what to say to make his boyfriend understand. Telling their families won’t be an issue, once the whole ordeal has worn off Jensen can face telling them, that isn’t what is scaring him. He just doesn’t think he can walk down the street holding Jared’s hand, doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle going out on a date and not caring what people will be thinking. He wanted that before, wanted it so bad he practically ached for it, but now that it’s within his reach - he just can’t do it, can’t meet Jared halfway on this. He isn’t ready, doesn’t know when or even if he ever will be.
Jared deserves better, is the despondent thought repeating over and over in his head, has been since Jared told him he was ready to tell people about them. He knows Jared well enough to know he’d argue with him on this if he was to say it aloud but this is how Jensen feels right now.
Jared’s ready to be who he is, ready to be himself without anything holding him back, but Jensen will be holding him back and he doesn’t like the thought of it. He doesn’t want to hold Jared back, but at the same time he doesn’t want Jared doing anything that could potentially get him harmed. He can’t stop Jared from doing what he wants, can’t dictate his life, but he wishes he could, wishes he could keep Jared from being as naïve as he himself was.
Jensen’s thoughts are a little all over the place right now, he can’t be sure he’s thinking too clearly, but the one thing he’s positive on is the fact that he can’t give Jared what he wants. Everything else is just a jumble of thoughts and panic and fear. He hates how he feels, despises the fear clutching at his heart and controlling his life but he doesn’t know how to take back that control. He’s lost and floundering, not sure what he should do.
“Hey,” Jared speaks quietly as he enters the room, carrying a bottle of water that he went to fetch while the nurse was making her rounds.
He takes a seat at Jensen’s bedside once more, reaching out to rest his hand on top of Jensen’s, thumb lightly caressing the skin. It’s the blind concern on his face that makes Jensen ache though, every piece of his being reaching out to Jared yet holding back at the same time. It’s a really frustrating feeling.
“Has anyone came in to see you yet?” he asks, a certain look in his eyes that Jensen can’t decipher.
“No,” Jensen replies slowly, looking closely at Jared for clues. “Was someone supposed to come in while you were gone?”
Jared looks vaguely uncomfortable for a moment before shaking his head and leaning forward, elbows resting on the edge of the bed, hazel eyes searching out confused green. “You saw Josh when you woke up, so you know he’s here,” he starts out and waits for Jensen to nod his head before continuing. “And you know Mack is here too.”
Jensen is a little annoyed with the way Jared’s beating around the bush but he pushes the feeling down and nods his head once more, a little bit of his impatience showing on his face. “Where are you going with this?” he asks, dread in the pit of his stomach, not liking where this conversation seems to be headed.
“Your parents are in town too Jen,” Jared tells him softly, carefully, tightening his grip on Jensen’s hand when Jensen lets out a gasp. Jensen shakes his head, not wanting to believe, wishing Jared was just playing a nasty trick on him. No, they can’t be here, he despairs, eyes pleading with Jared to tell him it isn’t true. “They’ve been here the past four days, and I just wanted to warn you, because they’re gonna want to see you.”
Jensen shakes his head again, eyes wide. “No, I can’t… I’m not… no, I don’t want to see them Jared,” his voice kind of breaks as his eyes search his boyfriend’s, pleading with him. He’s not sure if Jared has the power to keep his parents out of the room but that doesn’t stop him from pleading silently. “Please, don’t make me see them, not now. I just, I can’t handle that, not right now.”
Jared’s eyes soften as he leans forward and draws their foreheads together. “I know you don’t want to see them Jen, and I can’t blame you, but they’re not going anywhere until they get to see you. I’ll be right here with you the whole time though, you won’t have to face them alone, I promise you that. I’m not going anywhere.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything in response to this, grateful Jared won’t leave his side but still not thrilled about seeing his parents after so long. He knows there’s no way of avoiding it though so he keeps his mouth shut and just clings to Jared’s hand, letting his boyfriend ground him and let him know he isn’t alone.
:0Ж0:
The room quickly becomes crowded with both Jared’s and Jensen’s family, and though it doesn’t really work, Jensen tries to make himself as small as he possibly can. He feels uncomfortable with so many concerned eyes trained on him, feels like all air is being sucked out of the room and he’s being suffocated slowly. His eyes are drawn to his parents the second they enter the room, the panic inside him growing to new heights just at the sight of them, and he’s unable to keep himself from looking away.
His mom’s eyes are wet with tears and concern as she slowly approaches his bedside. Her movements are hesitant, like she isn’t sure her presence will be welcome. She isn’t welcome, he thinks to himself as he watches her warily, not quite sure what to expect out of either of his parents.
After her brief moment of hesitation, his mom crosses the space between them in a couple of steps and he finds her right at his side, tears sliding down her cheeks. Jensen doesn’t really know what to do much less say so instead he just watches her intently. He isn’t really sure what he is waiting for her to do but he can’t help feeling uncomfortable, the last stilted conversation he had with her repeating over and over in his mind.
The last thing he is expecting her to do though is grab his hand, holding it carefully in her own, like he’s some fragile piece of china that could break if handled without care. More tears spill from her eyes as she reaches to cup his cheek and whispers, “I’m sorry.”
At first Jensen can’t trust his own ears, thinking he must have heard her wrong. Because there is no way she just apologized. Right? His mom apologizing for her actions, for the way she’s treated him. It just seems too surreal that he almost can’t trust it. Is this really happening? he questions almost hysterically, afraid this is just some cruel delusion and any minute now she’ll go back to hating him.
Jared is a quiet presence beside him on the opposite side of the bed, a comforting hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing gently every so often to show his support. Jensen is grateful to have him here right now, the hand on his shoulder grounding him, letting him know he isn’t alone.
Jensen’s dad has spoken yet, just stands off to the side, watching him almost warily. Jensen can’t tell what he is thinking, his face is nothing but a blank mask and his eyes aren’t giving away anything either. Jensen can’t say what he’d been expecting his dad to do should they ever be in the same room together again but he was pretty sure silence would be a given.
“I know there’s nothing I can say to make up for the way I’ve treated you,” his mom’s soothing voice brings his attention back to her and just seeing the tears on her cheeks is making him want to break down too, he’s always hated seeing his mom cry. “But I want you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. You are my son and I love you no matter who you choose to love. I just want you to be happy. I just hope one day you can forgive me for what I’ve done.”
Jensen doesn’t really know what to say to this, or if he can even speak at the moment. He wants to say that he loves and forgives her, but he doesn’t know if he can. He loves her, she’s his mom and he’ll always love her, but the cold treatment can’t just be forgotten that easily and he isn’t sure he has forgiven her for it, not yet anyway. That will take time.
Jensen looks up once more when a hand lands on his shoulder and he can’t help but tense when he sees his father staring down at him. His eyes are a little more expressive this time around and what he finds staring back at him shocks Jensen speechless. Jensen can list on one hand the times he’s seen his dad cry and each time seems to be more disturbing than the last simply because his father is the strong silent type. He holds all of his emotions inside because he doesn’t like appearing weak in front of anyone.
But right now his guard is down, tears swimming in his eyes as he apologizes without even uttering a single word. It’s right there in the way he’s looking at Jensen and the gentle squeeze he applies to Jensen’s shoulder. “I love you kiddo,” he whispers thickly and Jensen thinks that is possibly better than any verbal apology could be.
:0Ж0:
“How are you holding up?” Jared asks once they are alone once more, Jensen’s parents having gone back to their hotel to catch up on some sleep.
“Tired,” Jensen responds with a small smile before lowering his eyes to stare at his hands, overwhelmed by everything that happened today and it’s taking its toll on him.
It’d been nice seeing his parents, if not a bit awkward and just plain weird. He’d always wished his parents would see what they did wrong and make a turn around but he never actually expected it to happen. It all just seems so unreal and he hasn’t exactly let it sink in yet, almost too afraid to let it in for fear of it all disappearing before his eyes.
He realizes how unlikely and paranoid that is, but he’s just so afraid of losing what he’s seemingly regained. He’d tried to move on, put on a brave face and told himself he didn’t need his parents if they didn’t want him, but deep down he never was sure if he could. He did need his parents, wanted their love and acceptance, but he knew very well that he may never get that. Now it looks as though he may have them back in his life and he’s afraid of it all going to hell again. I couldn’t handle it a second time.
“You’ve had a busy day,” Jared nods in agreement.
“Too much for one day,” Jensen mutters but Jared doesn’t seem to hear him.
Jared finally takes a seat on the chair next to Jensen’s bed, wringing his hands nervously, a thoughtful look on his face. He’s been doing this a lot today, like he has something on his mind that he wants to talk about. For most of the day they haven’t been alone though, there’s always been someone in the room with them, and Jensen gets the feeling that this is something Jared wants to talk about in private.
“What’s on your mind?” Jensen eventually asks, even though he isn’t altogether sure he’s ready for whatever Jared wants to talk about. Today has been a little overwhelming for him, he’s ready to just close his eyes and escape for a few hours, and he isn’t sure he has the energy to have anything else thrown at him, but he also knows Jared won’t rest until he gets it off his chest.
Jared searches Jensen’s eyes for a moment, Jensen can only guess what he’s looking for. After a moment he leans forward in the chair, arms resting on the bed, but his eyes never leave Jensen’s. “I know you said you didn’t want to tell anyone about us…”
“No,” Jensen responds immediately, shaking his head resolutely even though it sort of leaves him feeling a bit dizzy. “I know what you’re doing Jay, but… I just can’t okay, please stop pushing this. I’ve made up my mind and there’s no changing it. I know that probably makes me a hypocrite but, I just… after everything, I can’t. I’m sorry, I know you’re ready and it isn’t fair, but please try to understand.”
Jensen had expected Jared to look a little annoyed but instead he just looks sad. “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything Jen, I know you went through a terrible experience and I can even understand, a little, why you’d be afraid now, but… I’m just talking about my family, we can tell my family, nothing bad can come from telling them.”
“I know, I do, I know, it’s just…” Jensen trails off, feeling frustrated because he can’t seem to get across what he is trying to say to make Jared understand where he is coming from. “We can tell your family if you feel you’re ready for it, but you’re talking about making our relationship public, about holding hands and going on dates and… it’s just, even in California, I’m not sure I can do it Jay. No, I take that back, I know I can’t do it.”
“Okay, alright, then we just start out slowly,” Jared tells him soothingly, obviously trying to be optimistic and wanting Jensen to share that feeling. “We tell my family and then, given time, we work our way up to holding hands in public, like… like baby steps. I can wait Jensen, until you feel comfortable…”
Jensen shakes his head again. Damn, I need to stop doing that, he tells himself when another wave of dizziness overwhelms him, pain and nausea accompanying it this time around. Pain meds must be wearing off, he realizes when he notices the pain in other areas of his body as well.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready Jay,” he whispers honestly, hating himself a little when Jared’s face falls, but he couldn’t lie to his boyfriend and he didn’t want to give him any false hope. It still kills him to see a little of that light in Jared’s eyes die out though, and not for the first time he finds himself wondering why Jared doesn’t just walk away.
“Maybe…” Jensen takes a deep breathe before trying once more. “Maybe it’d be for the best if we just ended things now.”
Jared’s eyes snap up to his, an incredulous look on his face. “What?” He asks, voice loud in the otherwise silent room. “No. You can’t mean that Jen.”
“I’m not saying I like it either, I don’t want to lose you, but…” Jensen has to tear his eyes away from Jared’s, unable to stand the hurt he can see so plainly. “You’d be better off with someone else Jay, someone who isn’t damaged, who can give you all those things you want and are ready for. I want to be that person Jay, but I don’t think I can be anymore.”
Jensen has to stop and take another deep breath, his voice breaking with emotion and stupid tears well up and spill down his cheeks. He’s always hated crying in front of people, just like his dad, only for different reasons. “I just think it’d be for the best in the long run, ‘cause you deserve better,” he whispers softly, still refusing to look Jared in the eyes, afraid of what he may find there.
“No, don’t you do this Jen. I’m not gonna let you do this,” Jared says firmly, taking Jensen’s hand in his own before using his other hand to gently grab Jensen’s chin and force him to look at him. “I’m not letting you push me away. You’re not ready to make our relationship public? That’s fine, I’m okay with that. I’m hoping one day down the line you’ll change your mind but even if you don’t then we’ll deal with it. Either way, I’m not letting you break up with me. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Jensen wants to argue, mainly on principle alone, but for the most part he’s just relieved Jared hadn’t let him push him away because he knows he would’ve regretted it. He still thinks Jared deserves better, because Jensen knows he has more issues now than Jared should have to deal with, but he didn’t truly want to break up. He needs Jared, especially right now.
Jared leans his forehead against Jensen’s, careful not to put too much pressure, and they are both content to remain that way. “I’m not going anywhere,” Jared promises and Jensen clings to his words like they are a lifeline.
:0Ж0:
When Jensen wakes up he finds Chris leaning against the window, staring blankly at the monitors Jensen is hooked up to, seemingly lost in thought. Jensen had seen him yesterday of course but they hadn’t really had any time alone together and his friend hadn’t really had much to say.
To be honest though Jensen is kind of glad the room isn’t overcrowded. To wake up and find only one person in his room is a relief and having a moment alone with Chris is nice. He isn’t really up for a whole lot of talking, it just seems to sap whatever energy he has right out of him, but he is kind of glad to see his friend.
“How long have you been standing there?” he asks around a yawn, watching Chris start a little at the unexpected sound of Jensen’s voice.
A lazy smile blossoms on Chris face as he pushes away from the window and steps closer. “Not long,” he answers with a shrug. “Jared doesn’t like leaving you alone and I didn’t mind volunteering to stay behind while everyone went home for showers and such. Steve is here too, down in the cafeteria getting drinks.”
“You know I don’t need someone here 24/7, I’m okay with being alone once in a while,” Jensen responds lightly, even though he is grateful to have not waken up alone, and it is nice to know everyone cares so much.
“I don’t know, I reckon you best get used to not having a moment’s peace. I don’t suppose Jared will give you much breathing room now that you’re awake,” Chris tells him with a grin, though Jensen can tell he’s being completely serious.
“No, I don’t suppose he will.” Jensen gives a suffering sigh but a smile soon blossoms on his face. He knows it will probably get frustrating later but right now it’s actually kind of nice.
“How are you doing son?” Chris asks after a moment, concern etched on his face. “And I don’t want you lying to me, we both know you’re not fine. You haven’t really talked about what happened, and I’m not gonna make ya, but just tell me, how are you holding up?”
Jensen thinks this over carefully. How am I doing? “I’m holding up the best I can,” he eventually answers, uncomfortable with the topic but knowing Chris would see right through his lies and, really, with Chris he doesn’t have to put on a brave face. Or with Jared for that matter.
“I know you probably won’t take me up on my offer but if you ever need to talk,” Chris lets the rest of his sentence go unsaid but Jensen knows what he is offering and is grateful, even though this isn’t something he wants to talk about and isn’t sure when he will want to, if ever.
“I talked to Sophia earlier,” Steve breaks the silence that had befallen the two friends, making his presence known. “She and the rest of the gang want to be here but they either can’t get away from work or classes, and they don’t really have the money for plane tickets. They send their love though and said you should be expecting phone calls from them soon.”
Jensen looks at his two friends when something occurs to him. “Are you guys missing work because of me?”
“Now don’t even think it,” Chris warns. “Don’t you worry about us, we had some vacation time backed up anyway.”
“Besides, there’s nowhere we’d rather be Jen,” Steve tells him softly, reassuringly. “Nothing could have kept us away.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” Jensen says, needing them to know.
Steve just smiles as he makes himself as comfortable as he can on one of the chairs and Chris makes a grab for the remote to the television. “What do ya say we find some bad daytime TV to watch,” he says with a smirk and Jensen finds himself relaxing for the first time since he woke up and found his whole life turned upside down.
:0Ж0:
By the time Jensen is done speaking with the cops (at his parents, and Jared’s, insistence) he feels drained and shaky. All he wants to do is curl up in a ball and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Having to tell the police every little detail of the attack, with Jared’s horrified eyes on him the whole time no less, was nothing short of a nightmare.
His parents had wanted to be there but Jensen could really only handle so many people knowing exactly what he went through and to be honest Jared was the only one he could stomach telling. It isn’t that he thinks his family or friends will judge him, or think him weak, but what he went through was very personal and he doesn’t want a whole lot of people knowing.
He didn’t really want to talk to the police that had shown up in his room this afternoon, had outright refused to speak to them in fact, even at his parents insistence he had still refused. It had been Jared’s pleading eyes that finally made him give in though, he’d always had a hard time refusing Jared anything when he set those eyes on him.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want the guys that did this to get what they deserved, he knew his statement would be extremely helpful in the case, but he didn’t want to talk about what happened. Just thinking about it was hard enough.
Now they expect him to show up in court when the case goes to trail, to sit up on the stand and recount everything that happened in front of a jury and a courtroom full of people. Logically he knew they would want him to but that doesn’t make it any easier. He doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to have to tell a room full of strangers about the pain and fear he went through.
He doesn’t want those guys to get off easy but he doesn’t want to have to go to court either.
Why did this have to happen? He despairs silently, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball but unable to because of his injuries.
“I’m really proud of you Jen,” Jared tells him softly, soothingly rubbing Jensen’s arm. “I know that couldn’t have been easy.”
Jensen doesn’t respond to this, just closes his eyes and soaks in all the comfort Jared is offering. He really doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to go into a courtroom and tell everyone what happened to him, just speaking to the cops with Jared in the room had been tough enough. He doesn’t want his attackers to get away with what they did to him but just the thought of sitting on that stand with too many eyes on him makes him panic more than just a little.
I know I have to do it but how can I? He bites down on his bottom lip, his thoughts only causing him blind panic the more he thinks about what’s expected of him.
“Can we just change the subject please?” He asks softly, knowing he sounds upset, panicking, but unable to do anything about it. “I just, I wanna think about something else. Can we just-”
“Okay,” Jared says immediately, cutting off Jensen’s panicked stricken words. “Whatever you want. We don’t have to talk about this right now.”
Jensen takes a deep breath, hoping to calm his racing heart, and forces a smile onto his lips. “Thanks.”
Jared fidgets for a moment, looking extremely indecisive about something before opening his mouth. “Can I tell you something without you freaking out on me?”
Jensen doesn’t like the sound of that, pretty sure nothing good can come from it, and he knows he can’t reassure his boyfriend. Jensen’s prone to panicking as of late, his mind and emotions are kind of all over the place right now and he can freak out about anything in his current state. He is curious though so instead of agreeing he just says “tell me.”
“I um, well when you were still… you know…” Jared blows out a breath, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “My mom kind of told me, or she asked… and I told her about us. She knows we’re in a relationship, she’d pretty much figured it out on her own, and she said my dad knows too.”
Jared looks at him with hooded eyes, afraid of what Jensen’s reaction will be. Jensen understands but he still hates to know Jared was afraid to tell him, was afraid it’d upset him, and it only makes Jensen hate himself a little more. He hates how afraid he is now, afraid of anyone finding out about him and Jared, no longer wanting things he’d so badly wanted before. He doesn’t like being this way, he wishes he hadn’t been affected like this, wishes he could just go back to the way he was, but that isn’t going to happen anytime soon and he knows he has to accept this.
Jensen does his best to smile, for Jared’s benefit. He isn’t exactly freaking out over this new information but he doesn’t get the joy he’d wanted and expected to feel if Jared ever told him this. He isn’t unhappy, and he doesn’t want Jared to think he is, but… to be honest how he’s feeling isn’t too clear.
“I guess it went well then,” he finally speaks. “Is she okay with it?”
A relieved smile blossoms on Jared’s face and just seeing it makes Jensen feel a bit lighter, like a little bit of the weight he’s been carrying on his shoulders has been lifted. He doesn’t really know how he’s feeling right now in regards to Jared’s parents knowing about them, he just feels kind of numb and detached, but it does feel good to see Jared so relieved and to know his boyfriend’s fears were unfounded.
“She took it really well actually,” Jared says with a little grin, shaking his head as though in disbelief. “Mostly she was upset that I hadn’t told her sooner and she really didn’t like that I was afraid to tell her in the first place. She’s being really supportive though, I never should have doubted her.”
“Told ya you had nothing to worry about,” Jensen whispers before a yawn escapes, the days events catching up with him, leaving him a bit sleepy.
“I don’t even know why I was so afraid to tell them now,” Jared says, a touch of astonishment in his voice and a look of wonder on his face. “It all makes me feel kind of stupid now. I’ve always had a close knit relationship with my parents, I don’t know why I ever thought they’d be anything but supportive.”
“No, I understand why you were afraid, I always did. It was frustrating, but I understood. Knowing how my own parents reacted scared you. I think it’s normal to be a bit apprehensive about telling your parents that you’re gay, or in your case bi-sexual. You can never really know how someone will react, I should know. I’m glad everything worked out for you though, I really am. Do you feel better now?”
Jared smiles softly and nods his head. “Yeah, I really do. I kind of wish I had told them sooner, but at least it’s done and over with now. I don’t have to worry anymore. I’m just sorry for all the pain I caused you in the process.”
Jensen waves his hand dismissively. “You don’t need to apologize to me Jay.”
“Yeah I do Jen,” Jared presses stubbornly. “The way I treated you, the things you had to put up with, you never should have had to. I was a jackass, I know that, hell I knew even as I was doing it. I hated what I was doing to you but couldn’t seem to make myself stop. You deserve some sort of medal for the shit I put you through.”
Jared chuckles softly, giving Jensen a wry smile, but Jensen can tell he’s hiding self-deprecation behind sarcasm and a touch of humor. Jensen really doesn’t want his boyfriend beating himself up over this, holding onto his guilt, but Jared is a stubborn sonuvabitch when he wants to be and nothing Jensen can say will change his mind once he’s made it up.
“My parents aren’t the only ones that know, your mom knows too,” Jared tells him gently, wary eyes watching Jensen carefully, like he knows this isn’t something Jensen will take so well.
Jensen can feel his eyes widening, his breath stopping short as he stares apprehensively at his boyfriend. “She does?” He asks more timidly than he’s proud of. “Did she figure it out on her own or did you tell her? How’d she react?”
Jared reaches out, taking Jensen’s hand in his own, as a smile blooms on his face, soft and reassuring. “This is something you’re mom should really be telling you, I know there’s a lot of things she needs to say to you, but I will tell you that her reaction was a good one.”
Jensen slowly absorbs this, not too pleased that Jared isn’t giving him the full details, but encouraged by the hope in Jared’s words as well as his deep hazel eyes. Jensen really doesn’t want to have that conversation with his mom, but if Jared says there’s nothing to worry about then Jensen has no reason to doubt him. It still leaves him with a sour feeling in his stomach however, and though Jared has reassured him, Jensen isn’t quite ready to have a heart to heart with his mom. He just doesn’t have the strength for it.
“Are you sure she really sounded okay with it all?” Jensen asks carefully, not really doubting his boyfriend, but still unwilling to believe so quickly. Regardless of what she said to him when he woke up, he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up, to let himself believe for even a second that his mom had a change of heart, because being rejected for the second time would be too devastating.
“She had a lot of good things to say, trust me,” is Jared’s smiling response, so reassuring and calming that Jensen finds him smiling back slightly. He is still a little worried, a little doubtful, but Jared has managed to calm his fears somewhat.
“You tired?” Jared whispers softly when a yawn escapes Jensen.
Jensen nods a little, movements slow and tired. “Sorry, I know I’ve been sleeping a lot,” he whispers back, sheepish look on his face.
“No apologies, I get it. I’m glad you’ve been resting, you need it. Go ahead, close your eyes and get some sleep.”
“Stay?” Jensen asks needlessly, Jared hasn’t really left his side since he woke up, is there as he falls asleep and waiting for him when he wakes up. It is Jensen’s only comfort in a cold, unfamiliar hospital room.
Jared leans forward, pressing his lips to Jensen’s temple. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers, lips brushing Jensen’s skin with every word. “I’ll be the first thing you see when you wake up.”
Jensen just hums, an appreciative little sound as he slowly drifts off, fingers entwined with his boyfriend’s.
Your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything's gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you're not, you're not alone
Next
Lyrics:
Not Alone - by Red
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Four:
Right Beside You
-~*~-
January 10th, 2001
Jensen is silent as the nurse makes her rounds, checking his vitals and the various machines attached to him, and then sending him a friendly smile on her way out of the room. He hasn’t spoken much since he woke up, since Jared told him the one thing he’d wanted to hear all along.
He knows he is worrying his boyfriend, being so quiet, staring off into nothing. Jensen can’t help it though, this is a lot to be put on him at the moment. Part of him still wants what Jared is proposing, wants to be able to tell the world he’s in love with a wonderful man, but a larger part is too afraid. His perspective on the whole idea has been changed, in a drastic way. He’d been given a rude awakening, shown a side of humanity that is rather cruel and uncaring, and he knows there are others out there that feel the same way those guys did.
He can’t help but think he has been naïve all this time, wanting so bad to believe the best in everyone, wanted to believe he could be with Jared and be happy. He never considered the backlash, the phobia they would face. Of course he isn’t stupid, he knew that not everyone would accept two men together, they’d be frowned upon at times and face their share of hurtful words thrown their way, but he never thought about the violence that could be aimed at them. He knew that it happened, he has read many stories about hate crimes that have been committed, but for some reason he never thought he would be victimized just for being himself.
Then again no one expects to be victimized.
He has been taught a hard lesson though, one he isn’t soon to forget. He really can’t help feeling disappointed because all he has wanted was for Jared to come out of the closet and be with him the way couples should be, but now that Jared is ready it couldn’t be at a worse time.
He knows he is letting his fear rule him but he figures he has a right to be scared. After everything he just went through, he’s certain it would shake anyone up. Every time he closes his eyes he’s brought back to that night, can feel phantom punches hitting his body, two angry faces behind his eyelids.
He wants to be strong, to put this behind him and not let it hurt his future with Jared, but the truth is he isn’t that strong. He doesn’t want to get hurt again, doesn’t want to see Jared get hurt. He’s beginning to think Jared had it right all along, keeping their relationship just between them and their close friends was wise, safe.
Jared has had a change of heart though and Jensen isn’t sure what to say to make his boyfriend understand. Telling their families won’t be an issue, once the whole ordeal has worn off Jensen can face telling them, that isn’t what is scaring him. He just doesn’t think he can walk down the street holding Jared’s hand, doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle going out on a date and not caring what people will be thinking. He wanted that before, wanted it so bad he practically ached for it, but now that it’s within his reach - he just can’t do it, can’t meet Jared halfway on this. He isn’t ready, doesn’t know when or even if he ever will be.
Jared deserves better, is the despondent thought repeating over and over in his head, has been since Jared told him he was ready to tell people about them. He knows Jared well enough to know he’d argue with him on this if he was to say it aloud but this is how Jensen feels right now.
Jared’s ready to be who he is, ready to be himself without anything holding him back, but Jensen will be holding him back and he doesn’t like the thought of it. He doesn’t want to hold Jared back, but at the same time he doesn’t want Jared doing anything that could potentially get him harmed. He can’t stop Jared from doing what he wants, can’t dictate his life, but he wishes he could, wishes he could keep Jared from being as naïve as he himself was.
Jensen’s thoughts are a little all over the place right now, he can’t be sure he’s thinking too clearly, but the one thing he’s positive on is the fact that he can’t give Jared what he wants. Everything else is just a jumble of thoughts and panic and fear. He hates how he feels, despises the fear clutching at his heart and controlling his life but he doesn’t know how to take back that control. He’s lost and floundering, not sure what he should do.
“Hey,” Jared speaks quietly as he enters the room, carrying a bottle of water that he went to fetch while the nurse was making her rounds.
He takes a seat at Jensen’s bedside once more, reaching out to rest his hand on top of Jensen’s, thumb lightly caressing the skin. It’s the blind concern on his face that makes Jensen ache though, every piece of his being reaching out to Jared yet holding back at the same time. It’s a really frustrating feeling.
“Has anyone came in to see you yet?” he asks, a certain look in his eyes that Jensen can’t decipher.
“No,” Jensen replies slowly, looking closely at Jared for clues. “Was someone supposed to come in while you were gone?”
Jared looks vaguely uncomfortable for a moment before shaking his head and leaning forward, elbows resting on the edge of the bed, hazel eyes searching out confused green. “You saw Josh when you woke up, so you know he’s here,” he starts out and waits for Jensen to nod his head before continuing. “And you know Mack is here too.”
Jensen is a little annoyed with the way Jared’s beating around the bush but he pushes the feeling down and nods his head once more, a little bit of his impatience showing on his face. “Where are you going with this?” he asks, dread in the pit of his stomach, not liking where this conversation seems to be headed.
“Your parents are in town too Jen,” Jared tells him softly, carefully, tightening his grip on Jensen’s hand when Jensen lets out a gasp. Jensen shakes his head, not wanting to believe, wishing Jared was just playing a nasty trick on him. No, they can’t be here, he despairs, eyes pleading with Jared to tell him it isn’t true. “They’ve been here the past four days, and I just wanted to warn you, because they’re gonna want to see you.”
Jensen shakes his head again, eyes wide. “No, I can’t… I’m not… no, I don’t want to see them Jared,” his voice kind of breaks as his eyes search his boyfriend’s, pleading with him. He’s not sure if Jared has the power to keep his parents out of the room but that doesn’t stop him from pleading silently. “Please, don’t make me see them, not now. I just, I can’t handle that, not right now.”
Jared’s eyes soften as he leans forward and draws their foreheads together. “I know you don’t want to see them Jen, and I can’t blame you, but they’re not going anywhere until they get to see you. I’ll be right here with you the whole time though, you won’t have to face them alone, I promise you that. I’m not going anywhere.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything in response to this, grateful Jared won’t leave his side but still not thrilled about seeing his parents after so long. He knows there’s no way of avoiding it though so he keeps his mouth shut and just clings to Jared’s hand, letting his boyfriend ground him and let him know he isn’t alone.
:0Ж0:
The room quickly becomes crowded with both Jared’s and Jensen’s family, and though it doesn’t really work, Jensen tries to make himself as small as he possibly can. He feels uncomfortable with so many concerned eyes trained on him, feels like all air is being sucked out of the room and he’s being suffocated slowly. His eyes are drawn to his parents the second they enter the room, the panic inside him growing to new heights just at the sight of them, and he’s unable to keep himself from looking away.
His mom’s eyes are wet with tears and concern as she slowly approaches his bedside. Her movements are hesitant, like she isn’t sure her presence will be welcome. She isn’t welcome, he thinks to himself as he watches her warily, not quite sure what to expect out of either of his parents.
After her brief moment of hesitation, his mom crosses the space between them in a couple of steps and he finds her right at his side, tears sliding down her cheeks. Jensen doesn’t really know what to do much less say so instead he just watches her intently. He isn’t really sure what he is waiting for her to do but he can’t help feeling uncomfortable, the last stilted conversation he had with her repeating over and over in his mind.
The last thing he is expecting her to do though is grab his hand, holding it carefully in her own, like he’s some fragile piece of china that could break if handled without care. More tears spill from her eyes as she reaches to cup his cheek and whispers, “I’m sorry.”
At first Jensen can’t trust his own ears, thinking he must have heard her wrong. Because there is no way she just apologized. Right? His mom apologizing for her actions, for the way she’s treated him. It just seems too surreal that he almost can’t trust it. Is this really happening? he questions almost hysterically, afraid this is just some cruel delusion and any minute now she’ll go back to hating him.
Jared is a quiet presence beside him on the opposite side of the bed, a comforting hand resting on his shoulder, squeezing gently every so often to show his support. Jensen is grateful to have him here right now, the hand on his shoulder grounding him, letting him know he isn’t alone.
Jensen’s dad has spoken yet, just stands off to the side, watching him almost warily. Jensen can’t tell what he is thinking, his face is nothing but a blank mask and his eyes aren’t giving away anything either. Jensen can’t say what he’d been expecting his dad to do should they ever be in the same room together again but he was pretty sure silence would be a given.
“I know there’s nothing I can say to make up for the way I’ve treated you,” his mom’s soothing voice brings his attention back to her and just seeing the tears on her cheeks is making him want to break down too, he’s always hated seeing his mom cry. “But I want you to know that I didn’t mean what I said. You are my son and I love you no matter who you choose to love. I just want you to be happy. I just hope one day you can forgive me for what I’ve done.”
Jensen doesn’t really know what to say to this, or if he can even speak at the moment. He wants to say that he loves and forgives her, but he doesn’t know if he can. He loves her, she’s his mom and he’ll always love her, but the cold treatment can’t just be forgotten that easily and he isn’t sure he has forgiven her for it, not yet anyway. That will take time.
Jensen looks up once more when a hand lands on his shoulder and he can’t help but tense when he sees his father staring down at him. His eyes are a little more expressive this time around and what he finds staring back at him shocks Jensen speechless. Jensen can list on one hand the times he’s seen his dad cry and each time seems to be more disturbing than the last simply because his father is the strong silent type. He holds all of his emotions inside because he doesn’t like appearing weak in front of anyone.
But right now his guard is down, tears swimming in his eyes as he apologizes without even uttering a single word. It’s right there in the way he’s looking at Jensen and the gentle squeeze he applies to Jensen’s shoulder. “I love you kiddo,” he whispers thickly and Jensen thinks that is possibly better than any verbal apology could be.
:0Ж0:
“How are you holding up?” Jared asks once they are alone once more, Jensen’s parents having gone back to their hotel to catch up on some sleep.
“Tired,” Jensen responds with a small smile before lowering his eyes to stare at his hands, overwhelmed by everything that happened today and it’s taking its toll on him.
It’d been nice seeing his parents, if not a bit awkward and just plain weird. He’d always wished his parents would see what they did wrong and make a turn around but he never actually expected it to happen. It all just seems so unreal and he hasn’t exactly let it sink in yet, almost too afraid to let it in for fear of it all disappearing before his eyes.
He realizes how unlikely and paranoid that is, but he’s just so afraid of losing what he’s seemingly regained. He’d tried to move on, put on a brave face and told himself he didn’t need his parents if they didn’t want him, but deep down he never was sure if he could. He did need his parents, wanted their love and acceptance, but he knew very well that he may never get that. Now it looks as though he may have them back in his life and he’s afraid of it all going to hell again. I couldn’t handle it a second time.
“You’ve had a busy day,” Jared nods in agreement.
“Too much for one day,” Jensen mutters but Jared doesn’t seem to hear him.
Jared finally takes a seat on the chair next to Jensen’s bed, wringing his hands nervously, a thoughtful look on his face. He’s been doing this a lot today, like he has something on his mind that he wants to talk about. For most of the day they haven’t been alone though, there’s always been someone in the room with them, and Jensen gets the feeling that this is something Jared wants to talk about in private.
“What’s on your mind?” Jensen eventually asks, even though he isn’t altogether sure he’s ready for whatever Jared wants to talk about. Today has been a little overwhelming for him, he’s ready to just close his eyes and escape for a few hours, and he isn’t sure he has the energy to have anything else thrown at him, but he also knows Jared won’t rest until he gets it off his chest.
Jared searches Jensen’s eyes for a moment, Jensen can only guess what he’s looking for. After a moment he leans forward in the chair, arms resting on the bed, but his eyes never leave Jensen’s. “I know you said you didn’t want to tell anyone about us…”
“No,” Jensen responds immediately, shaking his head resolutely even though it sort of leaves him feeling a bit dizzy. “I know what you’re doing Jay, but… I just can’t okay, please stop pushing this. I’ve made up my mind and there’s no changing it. I know that probably makes me a hypocrite but, I just… after everything, I can’t. I’m sorry, I know you’re ready and it isn’t fair, but please try to understand.”
Jensen had expected Jared to look a little annoyed but instead he just looks sad. “I’m not trying to pressure you into anything Jen, I know you went through a terrible experience and I can even understand, a little, why you’d be afraid now, but… I’m just talking about my family, we can tell my family, nothing bad can come from telling them.”
“I know, I do, I know, it’s just…” Jensen trails off, feeling frustrated because he can’t seem to get across what he is trying to say to make Jared understand where he is coming from. “We can tell your family if you feel you’re ready for it, but you’re talking about making our relationship public, about holding hands and going on dates and… it’s just, even in California, I’m not sure I can do it Jay. No, I take that back, I know I can’t do it.”
“Okay, alright, then we just start out slowly,” Jared tells him soothingly, obviously trying to be optimistic and wanting Jensen to share that feeling. “We tell my family and then, given time, we work our way up to holding hands in public, like… like baby steps. I can wait Jensen, until you feel comfortable…”
Jensen shakes his head again. Damn, I need to stop doing that, he tells himself when another wave of dizziness overwhelms him, pain and nausea accompanying it this time around. Pain meds must be wearing off, he realizes when he notices the pain in other areas of his body as well.
“I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready Jay,” he whispers honestly, hating himself a little when Jared’s face falls, but he couldn’t lie to his boyfriend and he didn’t want to give him any false hope. It still kills him to see a little of that light in Jared’s eyes die out though, and not for the first time he finds himself wondering why Jared doesn’t just walk away.
“Maybe…” Jensen takes a deep breathe before trying once more. “Maybe it’d be for the best if we just ended things now.”
Jared’s eyes snap up to his, an incredulous look on his face. “What?” He asks, voice loud in the otherwise silent room. “No. You can’t mean that Jen.”
“I’m not saying I like it either, I don’t want to lose you, but…” Jensen has to tear his eyes away from Jared’s, unable to stand the hurt he can see so plainly. “You’d be better off with someone else Jay, someone who isn’t damaged, who can give you all those things you want and are ready for. I want to be that person Jay, but I don’t think I can be anymore.”
Jensen has to stop and take another deep breath, his voice breaking with emotion and stupid tears well up and spill down his cheeks. He’s always hated crying in front of people, just like his dad, only for different reasons. “I just think it’d be for the best in the long run, ‘cause you deserve better,” he whispers softly, still refusing to look Jared in the eyes, afraid of what he may find there.
“No, don’t you do this Jen. I’m not gonna let you do this,” Jared says firmly, taking Jensen’s hand in his own before using his other hand to gently grab Jensen’s chin and force him to look at him. “I’m not letting you push me away. You’re not ready to make our relationship public? That’s fine, I’m okay with that. I’m hoping one day down the line you’ll change your mind but even if you don’t then we’ll deal with it. Either way, I’m not letting you break up with me. You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Jensen wants to argue, mainly on principle alone, but for the most part he’s just relieved Jared hadn’t let him push him away because he knows he would’ve regretted it. He still thinks Jared deserves better, because Jensen knows he has more issues now than Jared should have to deal with, but he didn’t truly want to break up. He needs Jared, especially right now.
Jared leans his forehead against Jensen’s, careful not to put too much pressure, and they are both content to remain that way. “I’m not going anywhere,” Jared promises and Jensen clings to his words like they are a lifeline.
:0Ж0:
When Jensen wakes up he finds Chris leaning against the window, staring blankly at the monitors Jensen is hooked up to, seemingly lost in thought. Jensen had seen him yesterday of course but they hadn’t really had any time alone together and his friend hadn’t really had much to say.
To be honest though Jensen is kind of glad the room isn’t overcrowded. To wake up and find only one person in his room is a relief and having a moment alone with Chris is nice. He isn’t really up for a whole lot of talking, it just seems to sap whatever energy he has right out of him, but he is kind of glad to see his friend.
“How long have you been standing there?” he asks around a yawn, watching Chris start a little at the unexpected sound of Jensen’s voice.
A lazy smile blossoms on Chris face as he pushes away from the window and steps closer. “Not long,” he answers with a shrug. “Jared doesn’t like leaving you alone and I didn’t mind volunteering to stay behind while everyone went home for showers and such. Steve is here too, down in the cafeteria getting drinks.”
“You know I don’t need someone here 24/7, I’m okay with being alone once in a while,” Jensen responds lightly, even though he is grateful to have not waken up alone, and it is nice to know everyone cares so much.
“I don’t know, I reckon you best get used to not having a moment’s peace. I don’t suppose Jared will give you much breathing room now that you’re awake,” Chris tells him with a grin, though Jensen can tell he’s being completely serious.
“No, I don’t suppose he will.” Jensen gives a suffering sigh but a smile soon blossoms on his face. He knows it will probably get frustrating later but right now it’s actually kind of nice.
“How are you doing son?” Chris asks after a moment, concern etched on his face. “And I don’t want you lying to me, we both know you’re not fine. You haven’t really talked about what happened, and I’m not gonna make ya, but just tell me, how are you holding up?”
Jensen thinks this over carefully. How am I doing? “I’m holding up the best I can,” he eventually answers, uncomfortable with the topic but knowing Chris would see right through his lies and, really, with Chris he doesn’t have to put on a brave face. Or with Jared for that matter.
“I know you probably won’t take me up on my offer but if you ever need to talk,” Chris lets the rest of his sentence go unsaid but Jensen knows what he is offering and is grateful, even though this isn’t something he wants to talk about and isn’t sure when he will want to, if ever.
“I talked to Sophia earlier,” Steve breaks the silence that had befallen the two friends, making his presence known. “She and the rest of the gang want to be here but they either can’t get away from work or classes, and they don’t really have the money for plane tickets. They send their love though and said you should be expecting phone calls from them soon.”
Jensen looks at his two friends when something occurs to him. “Are you guys missing work because of me?”
“Now don’t even think it,” Chris warns. “Don’t you worry about us, we had some vacation time backed up anyway.”
“Besides, there’s nowhere we’d rather be Jen,” Steve tells him softly, reassuringly. “Nothing could have kept us away.”
“I’m glad you’re here,” Jensen says, needing them to know.
Steve just smiles as he makes himself as comfortable as he can on one of the chairs and Chris makes a grab for the remote to the television. “What do ya say we find some bad daytime TV to watch,” he says with a smirk and Jensen finds himself relaxing for the first time since he woke up and found his whole life turned upside down.
:0Ж0:
By the time Jensen is done speaking with the cops (at his parents, and Jared’s, insistence) he feels drained and shaky. All he wants to do is curl up in a ball and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Having to tell the police every little detail of the attack, with Jared’s horrified eyes on him the whole time no less, was nothing short of a nightmare.
His parents had wanted to be there but Jensen could really only handle so many people knowing exactly what he went through and to be honest Jared was the only one he could stomach telling. It isn’t that he thinks his family or friends will judge him, or think him weak, but what he went through was very personal and he doesn’t want a whole lot of people knowing.
He didn’t really want to talk to the police that had shown up in his room this afternoon, had outright refused to speak to them in fact, even at his parents insistence he had still refused. It had been Jared’s pleading eyes that finally made him give in though, he’d always had a hard time refusing Jared anything when he set those eyes on him.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want the guys that did this to get what they deserved, he knew his statement would be extremely helpful in the case, but he didn’t want to talk about what happened. Just thinking about it was hard enough.
Now they expect him to show up in court when the case goes to trail, to sit up on the stand and recount everything that happened in front of a jury and a courtroom full of people. Logically he knew they would want him to but that doesn’t make it any easier. He doesn’t want to go, doesn’t want to have to tell a room full of strangers about the pain and fear he went through.
He doesn’t want those guys to get off easy but he doesn’t want to have to go to court either.
Why did this have to happen? He despairs silently, wanting nothing more than to curl up in a ball but unable to because of his injuries.
“I’m really proud of you Jen,” Jared tells him softly, soothingly rubbing Jensen’s arm. “I know that couldn’t have been easy.”
Jensen doesn’t respond to this, just closes his eyes and soaks in all the comfort Jared is offering. He really doesn’t know how he’s going to be able to go into a courtroom and tell everyone what happened to him, just speaking to the cops with Jared in the room had been tough enough. He doesn’t want his attackers to get away with what they did to him but just the thought of sitting on that stand with too many eyes on him makes him panic more than just a little.
I know I have to do it but how can I? He bites down on his bottom lip, his thoughts only causing him blind panic the more he thinks about what’s expected of him.
“Can we just change the subject please?” He asks softly, knowing he sounds upset, panicking, but unable to do anything about it. “I just, I wanna think about something else. Can we just-”
“Okay,” Jared says immediately, cutting off Jensen’s panicked stricken words. “Whatever you want. We don’t have to talk about this right now.”
Jensen takes a deep breath, hoping to calm his racing heart, and forces a smile onto his lips. “Thanks.”
Jared fidgets for a moment, looking extremely indecisive about something before opening his mouth. “Can I tell you something without you freaking out on me?”
Jensen doesn’t like the sound of that, pretty sure nothing good can come from it, and he knows he can’t reassure his boyfriend. Jensen’s prone to panicking as of late, his mind and emotions are kind of all over the place right now and he can freak out about anything in his current state. He is curious though so instead of agreeing he just says “tell me.”
“I um, well when you were still… you know…” Jared blows out a breath, running a hand through his disheveled hair. “My mom kind of told me, or she asked… and I told her about us. She knows we’re in a relationship, she’d pretty much figured it out on her own, and she said my dad knows too.”
Jared looks at him with hooded eyes, afraid of what Jensen’s reaction will be. Jensen understands but he still hates to know Jared was afraid to tell him, was afraid it’d upset him, and it only makes Jensen hate himself a little more. He hates how afraid he is now, afraid of anyone finding out about him and Jared, no longer wanting things he’d so badly wanted before. He doesn’t like being this way, he wishes he hadn’t been affected like this, wishes he could just go back to the way he was, but that isn’t going to happen anytime soon and he knows he has to accept this.
Jensen does his best to smile, for Jared’s benefit. He isn’t exactly freaking out over this new information but he doesn’t get the joy he’d wanted and expected to feel if Jared ever told him this. He isn’t unhappy, and he doesn’t want Jared to think he is, but… to be honest how he’s feeling isn’t too clear.
“I guess it went well then,” he finally speaks. “Is she okay with it?”
A relieved smile blossoms on Jared’s face and just seeing it makes Jensen feel a bit lighter, like a little bit of the weight he’s been carrying on his shoulders has been lifted. He doesn’t really know how he’s feeling right now in regards to Jared’s parents knowing about them, he just feels kind of numb and detached, but it does feel good to see Jared so relieved and to know his boyfriend’s fears were unfounded.
“She took it really well actually,” Jared says with a little grin, shaking his head as though in disbelief. “Mostly she was upset that I hadn’t told her sooner and she really didn’t like that I was afraid to tell her in the first place. She’s being really supportive though, I never should have doubted her.”
“Told ya you had nothing to worry about,” Jensen whispers before a yawn escapes, the days events catching up with him, leaving him a bit sleepy.
“I don’t even know why I was so afraid to tell them now,” Jared says, a touch of astonishment in his voice and a look of wonder on his face. “It all makes me feel kind of stupid now. I’ve always had a close knit relationship with my parents, I don’t know why I ever thought they’d be anything but supportive.”
“No, I understand why you were afraid, I always did. It was frustrating, but I understood. Knowing how my own parents reacted scared you. I think it’s normal to be a bit apprehensive about telling your parents that you’re gay, or in your case bi-sexual. You can never really know how someone will react, I should know. I’m glad everything worked out for you though, I really am. Do you feel better now?”
Jared smiles softly and nods his head. “Yeah, I really do. I kind of wish I had told them sooner, but at least it’s done and over with now. I don’t have to worry anymore. I’m just sorry for all the pain I caused you in the process.”
Jensen waves his hand dismissively. “You don’t need to apologize to me Jay.”
“Yeah I do Jen,” Jared presses stubbornly. “The way I treated you, the things you had to put up with, you never should have had to. I was a jackass, I know that, hell I knew even as I was doing it. I hated what I was doing to you but couldn’t seem to make myself stop. You deserve some sort of medal for the shit I put you through.”
Jared chuckles softly, giving Jensen a wry smile, but Jensen can tell he’s hiding self-deprecation behind sarcasm and a touch of humor. Jensen really doesn’t want his boyfriend beating himself up over this, holding onto his guilt, but Jared is a stubborn sonuvabitch when he wants to be and nothing Jensen can say will change his mind once he’s made it up.
“My parents aren’t the only ones that know, your mom knows too,” Jared tells him gently, wary eyes watching Jensen carefully, like he knows this isn’t something Jensen will take so well.
Jensen can feel his eyes widening, his breath stopping short as he stares apprehensively at his boyfriend. “She does?” He asks more timidly than he’s proud of. “Did she figure it out on her own or did you tell her? How’d she react?”
Jared reaches out, taking Jensen’s hand in his own, as a smile blooms on his face, soft and reassuring. “This is something you’re mom should really be telling you, I know there’s a lot of things she needs to say to you, but I will tell you that her reaction was a good one.”
Jensen slowly absorbs this, not too pleased that Jared isn’t giving him the full details, but encouraged by the hope in Jared’s words as well as his deep hazel eyes. Jensen really doesn’t want to have that conversation with his mom, but if Jared says there’s nothing to worry about then Jensen has no reason to doubt him. It still leaves him with a sour feeling in his stomach however, and though Jared has reassured him, Jensen isn’t quite ready to have a heart to heart with his mom. He just doesn’t have the strength for it.
“Are you sure she really sounded okay with it all?” Jensen asks carefully, not really doubting his boyfriend, but still unwilling to believe so quickly. Regardless of what she said to him when he woke up, he just doesn’t want to get his hopes up, to let himself believe for even a second that his mom had a change of heart, because being rejected for the second time would be too devastating.
“She had a lot of good things to say, trust me,” is Jared’s smiling response, so reassuring and calming that Jensen finds him smiling back slightly. He is still a little worried, a little doubtful, but Jared has managed to calm his fears somewhat.
“You tired?” Jared whispers softly when a yawn escapes Jensen.
Jensen nods a little, movements slow and tired. “Sorry, I know I’ve been sleeping a lot,” he whispers back, sheepish look on his face.
“No apologies, I get it. I’m glad you’ve been resting, you need it. Go ahead, close your eyes and get some sleep.”
“Stay?” Jensen asks needlessly, Jared hasn’t really left his side since he woke up, is there as he falls asleep and waiting for him when he wakes up. It is Jensen’s only comfort in a cold, unfamiliar hospital room.
Jared leans forward, pressing his lips to Jensen’s temple. “I’m not going anywhere,” he whispers, lips brushing Jensen’s skin with every word. “I’ll be the first thing you see when you wake up.”
Jensen just hums, an appreciative little sound as he slowly drifts off, fingers entwined with his boyfriend’s.
Your heart is full of broken dreams
Just a fading memory
And everything's gone but the pain carries on
Lost in the rain again
When will it ever end
The arms of relief seem so out of reach
But I, I am here
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
Cause you're not, you're not alone
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Lyrics:
Not Alone - by Red