Hands of Fate: Chapter Twenty-Three
Title: Caught in the Hands of Fate
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Three:
Whispers in the Dark
-~*~-
January 9th, 2001
“You should try to get some sleep J.T. I know you want to be here when Jensen wakes up but you’re only going to make yourself sick if you keep going the way you are, and we both know that’s the last thing he would want.”
Jared looks up at his mom, offering a tiny smile as she places a comforting hand on his shoulder. He does feel really tired and he knows the last thing Jensen needs is for Jared to make himself sick, he will be no good to his boyfriend then, but he just can’t force himself away from Jensen’s side.
“I know you guys are worried about me, and I really appreciate it, but… I just need to be here mom, I can’t leave him, even just to sleep,” he admits with a tired sigh as his eyes slide once more back to Jensen’s still features. “I’m not sure I’d even be able to get a restful sleep, with how worried I am. And I can’t help… I feel like I’m to blame.”
His mom’s expression twists into a mixture of concern and confusion at his admission. “Why would you feel like that? J.T. this is in no way your fault, there’s no way you could have known this would happen.”
“Logically I know that, I do, but… I left him there mom. I left him there even though that’s not something I normally would’ve done, and everything inside of me that night was telling me not to walk out that door, but I did anyway and look what happened. If I hadn’t left him there on his own maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
Her hand briefly squeezes his shoulder and he feels bad just for drawing comfort from that gesture because he feels he doesn’t deserve to be comforted. He just feels so damn guilty over everything that went down, constantly berating himself for leaving that night and inadvertently allowing Jensen to be hurt. He should have been there and nothing anyone says can convince him otherwise.
“I know that isn’t something you normally would’ve done but you gotta know that no one blames you for what happened, it wasn’t your fault and you’re the only one that seems to think it was,” she says in a soft and soothing voice. “Did the two of you have a fight? Is that why you left?”
Jared takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly, managing a small nod of his head. “That’s kind of why I left that night, or pretty much the reason I left. I’d just needed some time on my own and wasn’t ready to go back to the house. I’d tried to tell him to take the car, said I’d take a walk and he could drive himself home, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He hasn’t been driving long and said he wouldn’t feel comfortable driving your car, told me he’d call a cab when he was ready to leave. I didn’t want to leave him there, honest to God, but at the time all I could think about was getting away so I could think. I regret that more than anything now.”
“I know there’s nothing I can say to make you believe it but you really aren’t to blame Jared,” his mom says as she pulls him into a hug. “Leaving him there probably wasn’t one of the brightest things to do but what’s done is done. All you can do now is be there for Jensen and help him to overcome this whole ordeal. He’s going to need you.”
“I know that, and I want to be there for him. I’m still gonna blame myself for this happening in the first place, but I can do my best to make up for it, by being here for him and taking care of him, helping him to put it behind him.”
“But to do that you’re gonna need to take care of yourself, get some rest and something to eat, otherwise you’ll be no use to him,” she tells him gently.
Jared knows the truth of this, he acknowledges what his mom says and deep down he knows she’s right. It will be difficult, he doesn’t like leaving Jensen’s side even for a few minutes, but he does need to get some sleep otherwise he may pass out from exhaustion. He isn’t willing to leave the hospital though, he doesn’t care what anyone says. The least he will agree to is getting some sleep on the extremely uncomfortable recliner one of the nurses brought in a day ago. He never knew recliners could be so damn uncomfortable but he has learned.
“I promise to get some sleep in a little bit ma, I can catch a few z’s on the recliner from hell, but I want to sit with him for a bit longer first,” he says as he reaches out to take Jensen’s hand in his own, scooting his chair closer to his bedside.
I can’t believe I lost him once and was actually considering letting him go again, was gonna let fear ruin everything we have. He reaches out without thinking and caresses Jensen’s cheek, tears filling his eyes at the state his boyfriend is in. Seeing him so hurt is truly devastating, and it doesn’t matter how many days have passed, seeing him this way is still extremely difficult.
You need to be strong for me Jen, don’t you dare give up, you need to wake up, he speaks these words internally, not quite able to say them aloud. That is one of the things worrying him the most, that Jensen won’t wake up. He knows the doctor said it was common for a patient to slip into a coma after such a brutal beating, but as more days pass and Jensen still doesn’t wake up, Jared starts to worry that he may never. And what will he do if Jensen doesn’t wake up? That just can’t be possible, I won’t accept it, he thinks to himself firmly, refusing to believe there is any kind of chance that Jensen won’t wake up. But the painful truth is that it is possible, and that is why Jared is so worried.
“Jared, are you…” his mom trails off and Jared tears his eyes away from Jensen to look at her, seeing the question on her face that she isn’t sure she should ask.
“What mom?” he asks quietly, not sure what she wants to know and equally unsure he wants her to ask it. Can it be anything good when she is hesitating the way she is?
He watches as she pulls a chair next to him and sits down, a soft look on her face as she connects her eyes with his. “Are you in love with him?” She asks, no hesitation in her voice this time around.
There is no judgment on her face, just a genuine curiosity, but the words still have his breath catching in his throat. He had already previously decided to tell his family about him and Jensen, and he genuinely wants them to know he loves someone, wants them to get to know Jensen as his boyfriend and not just his good friend, but he wasn’t quite ready to face this now. He thought he would have time to prepare for this, but he never expected his mom to ask him like this. He isn’t quite sure why he didn’t expect it, he knows he hasn’t been a swell job at pretending to be just a worried friend, but it still somehow comes as quite a shock.
Knowing this moment has arrived, that he’s really going to tell him mom finally, takes some of the weight he’s been carrying around off of his shoulders but it also has his heart racing with nerves. He isn’t going to chicken out though, he promised both himself and Jensen that he would tell his family about them, and he refuses to break his promise. He couldn’t keep it a secret forever and he honestly doesn’t want to.
He has always known he’d have to tell his family eventually, this isn’t something he could keep hidden forever, but waiting any longer wasn’t an option. He stood to lose Jensen if he didn’t tell his family and he can’t allow that to happen. Not to mention he needed to do this for himself as well.
Squaring his shoulders, he meets his mom’s eyes with determination and nods his head confidently. “Yeah, I’m in love him, he’s… Jensen’s my boyfriend mom.” He tries not to let any of his fear or anxiety show in his voice but he’s not too sure he has succeeded. He is glad he has finally told her but that doesn’t mean he isn’t afraid of her reaction, he has never wanted to disappoint her and he would hate to lose her.
Jared is floored when his mom just nods her head and says she had suspected it all along. Sure, he figured he wasn’t doing so well hiding his feelings these past few days but she makes it sound like she has figured they were together well before Jensen was brought to the hospital.
Is it possible he has been freaking out for no reason? Was all of this for nothing? He just can’t believe it. He had fought with Jensen, was close to losing him because Jared wasn’t going to tell his parents about them, and then Jensen got hurt. Could all of this have been avoided if he had just got up the courage to tell her sooner? God, the mere thought is excruciatingly painful. I’ve been such a fool.
“You’re not surprised by this at all? Not disappointed or upset with me?” He asks a bit cautiously but disbelief is clear in his tone as well.
“I saw the way he looked at you, and the way you looked at him as well, when you thought no one was looking. It didn’t take much to figure it out,” she says with a shrug, as though this isn’t a big deal at all. “And of course I’m not disappointed or upset. Why on earth would you think I’d be? You’re my son and I love you, I just want you to be happy, no matter who you choose to be with.”
Jared digests these words slowly, relief washing over him in waves. “You never said anything,” he speaks softly, looking at her questionably. “Why?”
“I figured you’d tell me yourself, whenever you were ready,” she responds with a small but genuine smile.
“You’re taking this rather well, better than I thought you would. You think dad will be as cool about as you are? What about Jeff and Meg?” There is no disguising the hopeful tone to his voice, or his expression for that matter. He is so damn grateful that his mom is so accepting but he hopes the rest of his family will be as well.
“I’ve already spoken to your dad and he feels the same way that I do. I haven’t talked to your brother or sister about this but I’m sure they have come to same conclusion as your dad and I. You weren’t hiding your feelings as well as you thought J.T.”
Jared has to laugh at this, joyful and relieved. No, I guess I wasn’t, he thinks to himself, bemused by the irony of it all.
“Why would you think we’d have a problem with it Jared? I thought you knew we’d love you no matter what. Happiness is all your dad and I have ever wanted for you, we could care less if you love a girl or a boy.” She sounds so confused and concerned that Jared begins to wonder why he was so afraid of telling them.
“I should’ve known that,” he says with a shake of his head, disappointed in himself. “There probably was a time when I did know that, but after hearing Jensen tell me about his parents’ reaction I… I guess it made me worry you’d react the same way. His parents wouldn’t talk to him after and I guess I was afraid you’d be disappointed in me too, I was afraid of losing you.”
“It’s terrible that they reacted the way they did, but Jared you have to know we wouldn’t turn our backs on you. Ever since you were a kid we’ve said we’d always love and support you, you being in love with Jensen, or any man for that matter, isn’t going to change that. You’re our son and we love you regardless. You be sure to remember that young man,” she says firmly but with care as she pulls him into her embrace.
Jared holds to her tightly, fisting his hands into the back of her shirt, and buries his face in her hair. It feels so good to have no secrets between them, knowing she loves and supports him. It is more than he could have asked for and he feels a bit foolish for ever doubting her. Now all he has to do is tell the rest of his family, which he plans to do soon.
:0Ж0:
January 10th, 2001
Jared follows Chris down to the cafeteria even though it is the last thing he wants to be doing right now. His friend wouldn’t leave him alone until he agreed to go get a coffee and something to eat with him. All Jared wanted to do was stay by Jensen’s side, but one look at Mackenzie had him agreeing to leave with Chris. It was obvious she wanted a little time alone with her brother. He figured it was the least he could do considering he very rarely leaves Jensen long enough to give his family any time with him on their own. That may be selfish but he just can’t help it. He’s afraid of Jensen waking up while he isn’t there and that is just something he cannot allow to happen.
He heads straight to the coolers once they reach the cafeteria and takes out a turkey and cheese sandwich along with a bottle of Pepsi, deciding to skip out on the coffee because he has had more than enough these last few days to last him a lifetime. It doesn’t help that the coffee the hospital provides is crap, a latte from Starbucks would be much appreciated but he doesn’t want to ask anyone to get him one, doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone at a time like this. He certainly isn’t going to leave the hospital long enough to grab a decent cup of coffee and he doesn’t expect anyone else to either.
“You look like hell warmed over, son,” Chris says once they have found a table and are seated across from one another.
“Gee thanks, always knew I could count on you to make me feel good about myself,” Jared mutters moodily but Chris doesn’t take any offense to it, just grins and nods his head. Jared sighs and shrugs. “I feel like shit so I guess it’s only fitting that I’d look just as bad.”
“I know you’re worried about Jen, man, we all are, but you know he’s gonna be alright, don’t ya?” Chris speaks in an uncharacteristically soft voice, concern etched onto his face. “He’s one of the strongest SOB’s I know, he’ll wake up in no time, you’ll see.”
“Yeah I know, he’s fighting, it’s just really hard to take in the meantime. I want him to wake up so badly, to know that he’s okay. I don’t think I’ll truly feel everything is okay until he wakes up. We don’t know what kind of condition he’s in as far as the head trauma’s concerned. What if there’s something seriously wrong? We know there was some swelling in his brain…”
“And we also know that the swelling has gone down,” Chris interrupts him in a firm tone of voice that brooks for no argument. “That’s a good sign Jay, you need to remember and hold onto that. Jen’s gonna be okay, his body just needs a little rest and time to heal is all, I’m sure of it. He’ll wake up when he’s ready.”
“I really hope you’re right about that,” Jared mutters, staring morosely down at the bottle of Pepsi in his hands, rolling it absentmindedly in his palms. “Can we talk about something else?”
Chris must hear the plea in his voice, the desperation for a change of topic, because he doesn’t push the subject. Jared is grateful for this because he is kind of tired of everyone trying to convince him that everything is going to be okay. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to believe that, he wants to more than anything, but he knows he won’t truly believe it until Jensen is awake and looking at him, nothing else will be able to reassure him.
“So, you told your parents that you’re gay huh? Sure took you long enough,” Chris says with a slight smirk on his lips though Jared can detect a hint of pride on his face and that just surprises him to all hell. That isn’t a normal expression for Chris, at least not something serious like this. It is rare when Chris is genuinely proud of someone, it makes it all the more special in Jared’s opinion, almost as though it is coming from a brother rather than his friend.
“Yeah, I finally got up the nerve and told my mom last night, and then I told everyone else this morning. I just wish I would’ve done it sooner,” Jared says with a sigh but still manages to place a small smile on his lips. “I know it would’ve meant a lot to Jensen to have been there when I told them, he should’ve been there with me.”
“You can tell him when he wakes up, something tells me the boy could use some good news, bring a smile to his face and all that,” Chris says with a flick of his wrist, going for nonchalant but not quite managing it. They both know how big of a deal this is for Jensen, he has never liked hiding who he is and he will be happy to know Jared isn’t afraid anymore. I just hope I’m not too late.
“They’re all cool with it?” Chris asks, bringing Jared out of his thoughts.
“Yeah, well Jeff said he’ll need time to get used to it, but he doesn’t hate me or anything so… everything’s gonna be okay, that’s what matters.”
“Everything’s falling into place,” Chris says with a nod and a smile. “I’m glad it’s all working out for you Jared, I know how worried you were about them reacting badly, it’s good that everything’s working out the way you hoped they would.”
He has to admit that it does feel pretty good but he can’t truly appreciate it at the moment. This is something he’d hoped to share with Jensen and it just feels wrong to be happy when Jensen’s lying in a coma, unable to share Jared’s joy. There will be time later to fully feel the relief that he knows he is feeling, right now he is focusing on Jensen and waiting for his boyfriend to open those beautiful eyes of his.
“I just wish I would’ve done it sooner,” Jared says with a sigh and rubs at his tired eyes.
“Better late than never,” Chris responds with a shrug, and in any other circumstance that statement might be right, but not this time, not this situation.
“No, I should’ve gotten up the nerve when it counted,” he says firmly, unwilling to believe any different. “It may be too late now.”
“You don’t know that Jare.” Chris sounds frustrated and it makes Jared feel kind of guilty, he knows his friend is trying everything he can think of to make him feel better, but all Jared can think is if he had told his parents earlier he and Jensen never would’ve went to that bar and everything would be fine right now.
He knows his thoughts are kind of running around in circles but the guilt is practically eating him alive and he just can’t let himself feel better about the actions he has taken. People keep trying to convince him that he isn’t to blame but he just can’t let himself believe them, because deep down he truly believes that he is partly to blame. How can I not be?
“Nothing I say will make you believe me, will it?” Chris asks with a heavy sigh and a sympathetic expression on his face.
Jared doesn’t respond, they both know the answer to that.
:0Ж0:
Jared sits outside of the nearby Starbucks, a cup of coffee warming his palms, and can’t stop fidgeting restlessly with the need to get back to the hospital. He doesn’t want to be here. Sure, it feels good to have a decent cup of coffee for once and the sunshine is nice on his face, but he really doesn’t want to be here. I should be with Jensen is the only thought on his mind. Jensen is in the hospital, there is no telling when he will wake up, and Jared shouldn’t be out here having a cup of coffee like everything is normal.
That is his opinion anyway.
Mackenzie and his mom sit across from him, worried and exasperated expressions on their faces. He tries to relax and show he enjoys their company and is grateful that they care so much, he really does, but his nerves are all over the place and he can’t hide his anxiety. This is the longest he’s been away from Jensen’s side and he honestly doesn’t like it. He knows he needs to relax and stop worrying so much, Josh is with Jensen after all, so it’s not like he’s alone, but Jared really wants to be there in case he wakes up.
However, despite his restlessness, he will admit this was just what he needed. To see anything that isn’t a starch white wall of a hospital room or corridor is refreshing and makes him feel a little less like he is going out of his mind. The smell of antiseptic was starting to drive him a bit crazy. A little fresh air and sunshine goes a long way to make him feel a little better and he’s grateful to the ladies sitting with him for forcing him out of the hospital.
“I know you’re worried about him Jay, we all are, but we also know he’d want you to take care of yourself,” Mackenzie says gently, giving him a soft and patient smile. He doesn’t even try to argue with her, Jensen is closest to his sister and if anyone knows him, even better than Jared, it would be her. He knows how hard this situation has been for her as well and making her worry about him just makes him feel guilty.
“I know that, I do, it’s just really hard when being away from him for even five minutes makes me restless and twitchy,” Jared responds with a sigh and a sheepish smile. “I’m worried enough as it is but being away from him makes me worry more.”
“And I get that, I really do. I’m right there with you. But he wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself and none of us do either. Now I’m not telling you to go home and get some sleep, we both know it’d do no good, but we’re worried about you so could you at least try to get some rest?” She asks with pleading eyes that have the power to make Jared agree to anything. “You don’t have to leave the hospital, you can sleep in the room. It’d just be nice if you got a little more than you’ve been allowing yourself.”
“Alright,” Jared says with fond exasperation in his voice. “I promise to take better care of myself.”
“Good,” his mom speaks up with a little smirk on her face and Jared can’t even muster up the strength to scowl. It is obvious he has been set up, she must have put together the fact that Mackenzie would be the one to get through to him and used this knowledge against him. “Cause, and I say this in the nicest way possible, you’re looking terrible J.T. You’re pale and there are bags under your eyes.”
“I don’t have to look in a mirror to know I look like shit mom,” Jared responds with a small pout that he would deny if someone mentioned it. “I know I’ve been pushing myself too hard. Besides, I already said I’d take better care of myself, you don’t have to point out how crappy I look.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” she says dryly but manages to smile softly at him to soften her words.
Jared manages a small smile in return before sighing softly and lowering his head, staring hard down at the lid of his Starbucks cup. Neither Mackenzie nor his mom says anything, obviously aware that his thoughts have turned to Jensen once more. They just silently observe him with sympathetic eyes and let him have this moment to think.
He can’t help but wonder how much this whole ordeal is going to change things, not just in their relationship but for Jensen in general. What Jensen went through was traumatic and scarring, no one walks away from that unscathed. Jared can’t help wondering how much this is going to change his boyfriend.
He will love Jensen no matter what, that isn’t what this is about, but he is a little worried about how damaged his boyfriend may be after everything. Jensen is the type of person that tries to believe the best in everyone, cares about people and wants to help, is generally happy if not a bit reserved and he is one of the most generous and caring people Jared knows. Will that change? And how scarred with this leave Jensen? Will Jared be able to help him?
These are all questions plaguing and haunting Jared at the moment, and he is a little more than worried this will make Jensen pull away from him. He realizes how possible this outcome is and can admit he’s scared. He doesn’t want to lose Jensen, he wants to help him in any way he can, and the thought that he might not be able to just tears him in two.
Mainly he is just plain worried about Jensen and how the attack will affect him.
He didn’t deserve this, he thinks as tears fill his eyes and his heart clenches. He would give anything to switch places with Jensen, to take this on and deal with it for him, but he knows he can’t so all he can do is be strong and do his best to help Jensen get through this.
:0Ж0:
Jared feels all air escape his lungs when he returns to the hospital room and finds confused green eyes staring back at him. He can’t seem to move a muscle, feet frozen just inside the doorway, a mix of emotions crashing through his system. The main thing he is feeling is relief, all consuming relief at the fact that Jensen is finally awake. He promptly releases a soft curse however when he realizes that Jensen is alone and it quickly leads Jared to wonder if he woke up that way.
Where the hell is Josh? he screams internally, feeling irrational anger towards Jensen’s brother. He can’t help it though, the whole reason Jared refused to leave the hospital for even just a few minutes was because he wanted to be here when Jensen woke up, and he especially didn’t want Jensen to wake up alone, and now it would seem that may have happened anyway.
It only takes another minute before he gets with the program and he crosses the space between him and Jensen, dropping down onto the chair beside the bed and taking his boyfriend’s hand in his own. Jensen grips his hand as tightly as his weak body can manage, tears welling in his eyes, and Jared doesn’t have to question whether he remembers the attack or not.
“Jay,” Jensen whispers, voice rough and raspy from disuse.
“I’m so sorry Jen,” Jared blurts out, guilt building up and spilling over, tears filling his eyes that he doesn’t even have the heart to hold back. “I wanted to be here when you woke up, haven’t left your side since I got here. I shouldn’t have left, should’ve been here, I’m so sorry.”
He had fought so hard to be here when Jensen woke up, wanted his face to be the first one Jensen laid eyes on, and now that has been taken away from him and it hits Jared so hard he nearly breaks down into sobs.
“No, Jay no, don’t apologize. It’s fine, really, you’re here now and that’s all that matters,” Jensen consoles him, squeezing his hand reassuringly, and somehow that only manages to make Jared feel worse. Jared should be making sure Jensen’s okay, not the other way around. “I haven’t been awake that long, I promise. Come on, stop crying, it’s okay Jay.”
It sounds like it’s hard for Jensen to speak, even a bit painful, his face scrunching up with discomfort and doing his best to wet his throat without the aid of water. This knocks some sense back into Jared, pushes his own guilt away, the only thing remaining is the need to make sure Jensen is okay and that he doesn’t try to talk too much, too soon.
“No I’m sorry, what I really meant to ask is how you’re doing,” Jared says with a tearful smile, leaning forward to rest a palm against Jensen’s cheek, caressing skin with the pad of his thumb. “Do you need anything? Some water?”
“I’m not really sure how I’m doing. I think I should be in pain, kind of am, a little, but whatever drugs they’re giving me are doing their job,” Jensen responds with a tiny, humorless chuckle and a wry smile that quickly disappears with a frown and sound of pain. He leans into Jared’s hand though, showing he appreciates and needs the touch, the comfort.
“Josh went to get the doctor,” he answers the unspoken question on Jared’s mind, “and a little water would be great, my throat is dryer than a desert right now.”
“It sounds painful,” Jared says with sympathy and glances around the room but curses softly under his breath when he doesn’t find a pitcher of water. “I’ll have to track down a nurse to get you some water but till then try not to speak too much.”
“Not gonna hear any complaints out of me.” Jensen gives a half smile that seems less painful for him and grows quiet, leaning into Jared’s hand a bit more and looking up at him with so many emotions shining in his eyes.
“I’m so relieved you’re awake Jen, you had me so worried about you,” Jared speaks softly and gives Jensen a look that says he doesn’t need him to respond, just needs to get this out, needs him to know. “I love you so much, I hope you know that. I didn’t mean what I said that night, I was just scared. I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. I do love you though, and my life just wouldn’t be the same without you in it. I don’t want to lose you again, it’d kill me. I need you, so much that it scares me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Jensen’s eyes are bright in the dimly lit room and he looks as though he wants to say something but can’t quite find the words. Jensen’s eyes have always given him away though, they speak for him when he can’t, and Jared can read him right now like an open book. He is happy, relieved even, and it makes Jared feel damn good just to see it. Nothing is perfect, not all their problems have been solved and there are still trust issues to be resolved, but it is a step in the right direction and it gives Jared hope.
He still feels guilty about what was said and done that night, some deep down place inside of him might carry that guilt forever, but without Jensen having to say the words Jared knows he has been forgiven and given another chance. That alone takes a bit of weight off of Jared’s shoulders and he already feels a little better.
“I love you too Jay,” Jensen finally speaks, weakly squeezing Jared’s hand and doing his best to smile at him without causing himself too much pain.
“It’s nice to officially meet you Mr. Ackles.”
Jensen tears his eyes away at the unexpected voice. When he sees a doctor, Mackenzie and Jared’s mom standing just inside the doorway his eyes widen and he rips his hand out of Jared’s grasp. Jared is startled by the action but what worries him is the fear he sees in his boyfriend’s eyes. Something tells him it is because he is afraid the doctor and Jared’s mom caught their intimate moment and can tell they are more than just friends. This bothers Jared because Jensen never cared who knew before but now he obviously does and there isn’t a doubt in Jared’s mind as to why.
Once again he finds himself wishing he could get his hands on the guys who did this and beat the crap out of them. For all the damage they have caused and all the damage they continue to cause after the fact. They may be in jail and set to go to trial, hopefully to spend years in prison like they deserve, but somehow it just doesn’t seem like enough to Jared. He is sure they don’t regret what they did and he highly doubts prison time is going to change them for the better.
As the doctor goes on to explain to Jensen the extent of his injuries and what he should expect in the coming days Jared places his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, figuring he will freak out if Jared tries to grab his hand. This is a difficult time for Jensen, the wary look in his eyes and the soft sigh he releases says it all, and Jared just wants him to know he isn’t alone.
Jensen’s eyes get kind of distant for a few moments as the doctor continues talking and immediately Jared knows he is remembering the attack, fear plain as day in his bright green eyes, and Jared gently squeezes his shoulder to silently offer his support and reassurance. Jensen’s smile is a bit strained but his eyes express his gratitude.
“Now I know you probably don’t want to hear this but considering what you’ve been through I would highly recommend you see a psychologist. This is something you shouldn’t keep inside. I understand it isn’t easy but you’re going to need someone to talk to, someone to help you through this tough time,” the doctor speaks gently. “I have a list of recommendations for you and I would really like for you to at least consider it, it’d be a real good thing for you. I’ll give them to you before you’re released.”
Jensen just looks back with a blank expression that Jared knows means seeing a therapist isn’t even on the list of things Jensen intends to do. Jared can’t say he agrees, he thinks Jensen should see someone who he can talk to about the attack. Sure, he wants to be the one Jensen turns to but he can’t deny that a professional could probably provide help even Jared couldn’t. There isn’t a doubt in Jared’s mind that Jensen will be difficult about this but Jared plans to talk to his boyfriend and try to convince him to take the doctor’s advice.
“When will I be released?” Jensen asks instead, completely ignoring the doctor’s words, acting as though he hadn’t heard a word. The doctor doesn’t act as though he is disappointed though. He is probably used to this kind of response from his patients and is unfazed at this point.
“There are still some tests we’d like to run and I’d like to monitor you for a few days to make sure everything is okay. You’ve only just woken up so let’s just take this one day at a time,” the doctor replies with a kind smile, answering without actually answering, and Jared can tell Jensen isn’t happy about this.
The doctor leaves after this and the room falls into silence, Jensen glaring hard at the blankets covering him, refusing to look anyone in the eyes. Jared watches him sadly for a moment before turning his attention to his mom, Josh, and Mackenzie who are just standing a few feet away, looking as though they want to speak but are unsure what to say.
“Could you guys please give me a moment alone with him?” Jared asks, pleading with his voice as well as his eyes. He just needs a few minutes, needs to talk to his boyfriend in private.
They all nod their heads in understanding before silently leaving the room and shutting the door behind them.
“I know what you’re gonna say Jared but you can save your breath, I don’t want to go to no psychologist and I don’t plan to,” Jensen says stubbornly, in a firm voice that says his mind is made up.
“It might help,” Jared says gently, not wanting to upset Jensen but needing to say it all the same.
“I don’t want to argue with you Jay so please just let it go.”
Despite wanting to press the issue Jared knows now really isn’t the time. “Okay we won’t talk about it now,” he says carefully, letting Jensen know the subject hasn’t been dropped, just put on hold. “There was something else I wanted to talk to you about though.”
Jensen just gives him a tired look and Jared silently curses himself for forgetting that Jensen only just woke up, this all might be too much for him to deal with at one time. This is good news though, a quiet voice speaks up at the back of his mind. It might be good news but Jensen does look awfully tired and Jared figures this conversation can wait once he has gotten some rest. “It can wait until after you’ve gotten some sleep though,” he quickly says. “You look like you could use some rest.”
“No, it’s alright, what did you want to talk about?” Jensen asks in a tired tone of voice but the expression on his face says he is listening.
“Well… I just, I’ve been thinking about our conversation that night; have had more than enough time to think things over and… I’m ready Jen, to tell my family about us,” Jared finally manages to get out, his heart racing in his chest with anticipation, a smile threatening to break out onto his face. “I want them to know who I love, want them to love you just as much as I do. Though, I think they already do.” He can’t stop a smile from forming on his face this time. He doesn’t tell Jensen that he’s already spoken to his family, have told them that he’s gay. He hasn’t told them that he and Jensen are seeing each other though, that’s one thing Jensen can be there with him for, the important part he didn’t miss out on.
Jensen, however, quickly grows pale and Jared’s afraid his boyfriend’s going to be sick. He looks as though he is going to throw up at any second. Besides that though Jared can plainly see honest to God fear in Jensen’s eyes and that freezes the smile on his face in its tracks.
Jensen clears his throat and looks away from Jared, refusing to meet his eyes. “No, I think you were right before. I’m fine with keeping us a secret; it’s probably a good idea actually.”
Jared shakes his head, astonished to be hearing this even though he thinks he shouldn’t be so surprised. This all just sounds so wrong, never has Jensen wanted to hide himself, hide them, and now he suddenly does and Jared simultaneously wants to smash something and hug Jensen tightly, never let go. “You don’t mean that Jen. All you’ve wanted was for me to tell my family, to hold your hand in public, and I’m ready to do all that and more. I should’ve done it long before now. But I’m ready now, ready to love you the way I’m supposed to, to be proud of us. Don’t tell me you don’t want that anymore.”
Jensen’s trembling by now, still refusing to meet his eyes, and he shakes his head fiercely. “No, I’d thought that was what I wanted, but I was foolish Jay. Holding hands and kissing in public, that isn’t for couples like us,” Jensen says quietly and Jared is equally stricken by the fact that he sounds like he means it and that tears are now streaming down Jensen’s face. “You had the right idea all along, it’s safer for us if we keep our relationship behind closed doors. Being out and proud, it only gets you hurt Jared. I don’t wanna be hurt again, don’t want to be killed just for being who I am. It’s not worth it, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. No, it’s best if we keep things the way they are.”
Tears are now streaming down Jared’s face as well, the pain and fear in Jensen’s voice breaks his heart. He doesn’t quite know what to do either, his boyfriend is crying hysterically, terrified and broken, and Jared doesn’t know what to do to make things better.
Carefully, mindful of his injuries, Jared pulls Jensen into an awkward hug and does his best to comfort him. “California isn’t like Texas Jen, you don’t have to hide who you are there, no one’s going to care. And you don’t have to worry about my family either, they’ll be supportive. They are supportive,” Jared tries to reassure him but it only makes Jensen’s tears fall harder. “We can’t let them win Jen, you can’t let them break you, take away everything you’ve always believed in. Don’t let them ruin your life Jensen. I know it’s hard and I know you’re scared, I won’t even try to say I understand what you’re going through, but I know you don’t want them to ruin everything you’ve built your life on. You’re the strongest person I know and I have never been prouder of anyone in my life.”
“I don’t want to be hurt again Jay,” Jensen says between hiccups, sobs and harsh pants of breath.
“I know, and I promise you I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again,” Jared swears as he hugs Jensen close to him and tightly closes his eyes against the tears blurring his vision and the sounds of his broken boyfriend. “Everything will be different in California, you’ll see, you won’t have to be afraid there.”
Jensen doesn’t respond this time but Jared silently promises to help him get through his all, not willing to believe for even a second that he can’t. He needs to be the strong one now, needs to believe for the both of him, and he refuses to fail Jensen when it matters the most.
Slowly fading away
You're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
Living in fear that no one will hear your cries
"Can you save me now?"
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
'Cause you're not, you're not alone
Next
Lyrics:
Not Alone - by Red
Author: fadedsparks
Beta: lunadragonx
Art: trueshellz
Fandom: RPS
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rated: R, with NC-17 in later chapters
Genre: AU, Angst, Romance
Disclaimer: This isn't meant to offend anyone and I am making no profit from it.
Warnings: Violence and Homophobia. Also, Jensen and Jared are the same age in this story.
Summary: Jensen has had his share of ups and downs, but he pushes forward and tries not to take life for granted. Starting college in California seems like the right choice for him, and everything is going better than he imagined it would. However, fate can be a tricky thing sometimes.
-~*~-
Chapter Twenty-Three:
Whispers in the Dark
-~*~-
January 9th, 2001
“You should try to get some sleep J.T. I know you want to be here when Jensen wakes up but you’re only going to make yourself sick if you keep going the way you are, and we both know that’s the last thing he would want.”
Jared looks up at his mom, offering a tiny smile as she places a comforting hand on his shoulder. He does feel really tired and he knows the last thing Jensen needs is for Jared to make himself sick, he will be no good to his boyfriend then, but he just can’t force himself away from Jensen’s side.
“I know you guys are worried about me, and I really appreciate it, but… I just need to be here mom, I can’t leave him, even just to sleep,” he admits with a tired sigh as his eyes slide once more back to Jensen’s still features. “I’m not sure I’d even be able to get a restful sleep, with how worried I am. And I can’t help… I feel like I’m to blame.”
His mom’s expression twists into a mixture of concern and confusion at his admission. “Why would you feel like that? J.T. this is in no way your fault, there’s no way you could have known this would happen.”
“Logically I know that, I do, but… I left him there mom. I left him there even though that’s not something I normally would’ve done, and everything inside of me that night was telling me not to walk out that door, but I did anyway and look what happened. If I hadn’t left him there on his own maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
Her hand briefly squeezes his shoulder and he feels bad just for drawing comfort from that gesture because he feels he doesn’t deserve to be comforted. He just feels so damn guilty over everything that went down, constantly berating himself for leaving that night and inadvertently allowing Jensen to be hurt. He should have been there and nothing anyone says can convince him otherwise.
“I know that isn’t something you normally would’ve done but you gotta know that no one blames you for what happened, it wasn’t your fault and you’re the only one that seems to think it was,” she says in a soft and soothing voice. “Did the two of you have a fight? Is that why you left?”
Jared takes a deep breath and then lets it out slowly, managing a small nod of his head. “That’s kind of why I left that night, or pretty much the reason I left. I’d just needed some time on my own and wasn’t ready to go back to the house. I’d tried to tell him to take the car, said I’d take a walk and he could drive himself home, but he wouldn’t listen to me. He hasn’t been driving long and said he wouldn’t feel comfortable driving your car, told me he’d call a cab when he was ready to leave. I didn’t want to leave him there, honest to God, but at the time all I could think about was getting away so I could think. I regret that more than anything now.”
“I know there’s nothing I can say to make you believe it but you really aren’t to blame Jared,” his mom says as she pulls him into a hug. “Leaving him there probably wasn’t one of the brightest things to do but what’s done is done. All you can do now is be there for Jensen and help him to overcome this whole ordeal. He’s going to need you.”
“I know that, and I want to be there for him. I’m still gonna blame myself for this happening in the first place, but I can do my best to make up for it, by being here for him and taking care of him, helping him to put it behind him.”
“But to do that you’re gonna need to take care of yourself, get some rest and something to eat, otherwise you’ll be no use to him,” she tells him gently.
Jared knows the truth of this, he acknowledges what his mom says and deep down he knows she’s right. It will be difficult, he doesn’t like leaving Jensen’s side even for a few minutes, but he does need to get some sleep otherwise he may pass out from exhaustion. He isn’t willing to leave the hospital though, he doesn’t care what anyone says. The least he will agree to is getting some sleep on the extremely uncomfortable recliner one of the nurses brought in a day ago. He never knew recliners could be so damn uncomfortable but he has learned.
“I promise to get some sleep in a little bit ma, I can catch a few z’s on the recliner from hell, but I want to sit with him for a bit longer first,” he says as he reaches out to take Jensen’s hand in his own, scooting his chair closer to his bedside.
I can’t believe I lost him once and was actually considering letting him go again, was gonna let fear ruin everything we have. He reaches out without thinking and caresses Jensen’s cheek, tears filling his eyes at the state his boyfriend is in. Seeing him so hurt is truly devastating, and it doesn’t matter how many days have passed, seeing him this way is still extremely difficult.
You need to be strong for me Jen, don’t you dare give up, you need to wake up, he speaks these words internally, not quite able to say them aloud. That is one of the things worrying him the most, that Jensen won’t wake up. He knows the doctor said it was common for a patient to slip into a coma after such a brutal beating, but as more days pass and Jensen still doesn’t wake up, Jared starts to worry that he may never. And what will he do if Jensen doesn’t wake up? That just can’t be possible, I won’t accept it, he thinks to himself firmly, refusing to believe there is any kind of chance that Jensen won’t wake up. But the painful truth is that it is possible, and that is why Jared is so worried.
“Jared, are you…” his mom trails off and Jared tears his eyes away from Jensen to look at her, seeing the question on her face that she isn’t sure she should ask.
“What mom?” he asks quietly, not sure what she wants to know and equally unsure he wants her to ask it. Can it be anything good when she is hesitating the way she is?
He watches as she pulls a chair next to him and sits down, a soft look on her face as she connects her eyes with his. “Are you in love with him?” She asks, no hesitation in her voice this time around.
There is no judgment on her face, just a genuine curiosity, but the words still have his breath catching in his throat. He had already previously decided to tell his family about him and Jensen, and he genuinely wants them to know he loves someone, wants them to get to know Jensen as his boyfriend and not just his good friend, but he wasn’t quite ready to face this now. He thought he would have time to prepare for this, but he never expected his mom to ask him like this. He isn’t quite sure why he didn’t expect it, he knows he hasn’t been a swell job at pretending to be just a worried friend, but it still somehow comes as quite a shock.
Knowing this moment has arrived, that he’s really going to tell him mom finally, takes some of the weight he’s been carrying around off of his shoulders but it also has his heart racing with nerves. He isn’t going to chicken out though, he promised both himself and Jensen that he would tell his family about them, and he refuses to break his promise. He couldn’t keep it a secret forever and he honestly doesn’t want to.
He has always known he’d have to tell his family eventually, this isn’t something he could keep hidden forever, but waiting any longer wasn’t an option. He stood to lose Jensen if he didn’t tell his family and he can’t allow that to happen. Not to mention he needed to do this for himself as well.
Squaring his shoulders, he meets his mom’s eyes with determination and nods his head confidently. “Yeah, I’m in love him, he’s… Jensen’s my boyfriend mom.” He tries not to let any of his fear or anxiety show in his voice but he’s not too sure he has succeeded. He is glad he has finally told her but that doesn’t mean he isn’t afraid of her reaction, he has never wanted to disappoint her and he would hate to lose her.
Jared is floored when his mom just nods her head and says she had suspected it all along. Sure, he figured he wasn’t doing so well hiding his feelings these past few days but she makes it sound like she has figured they were together well before Jensen was brought to the hospital.
Is it possible he has been freaking out for no reason? Was all of this for nothing? He just can’t believe it. He had fought with Jensen, was close to losing him because Jared wasn’t going to tell his parents about them, and then Jensen got hurt. Could all of this have been avoided if he had just got up the courage to tell her sooner? God, the mere thought is excruciatingly painful. I’ve been such a fool.
“You’re not surprised by this at all? Not disappointed or upset with me?” He asks a bit cautiously but disbelief is clear in his tone as well.
“I saw the way he looked at you, and the way you looked at him as well, when you thought no one was looking. It didn’t take much to figure it out,” she says with a shrug, as though this isn’t a big deal at all. “And of course I’m not disappointed or upset. Why on earth would you think I’d be? You’re my son and I love you, I just want you to be happy, no matter who you choose to be with.”
Jared digests these words slowly, relief washing over him in waves. “You never said anything,” he speaks softly, looking at her questionably. “Why?”
“I figured you’d tell me yourself, whenever you were ready,” she responds with a small but genuine smile.
“You’re taking this rather well, better than I thought you would. You think dad will be as cool about as you are? What about Jeff and Meg?” There is no disguising the hopeful tone to his voice, or his expression for that matter. He is so damn grateful that his mom is so accepting but he hopes the rest of his family will be as well.
“I’ve already spoken to your dad and he feels the same way that I do. I haven’t talked to your brother or sister about this but I’m sure they have come to same conclusion as your dad and I. You weren’t hiding your feelings as well as you thought J.T.”
Jared has to laugh at this, joyful and relieved. No, I guess I wasn’t, he thinks to himself, bemused by the irony of it all.
“Why would you think we’d have a problem with it Jared? I thought you knew we’d love you no matter what. Happiness is all your dad and I have ever wanted for you, we could care less if you love a girl or a boy.” She sounds so confused and concerned that Jared begins to wonder why he was so afraid of telling them.
“I should’ve known that,” he says with a shake of his head, disappointed in himself. “There probably was a time when I did know that, but after hearing Jensen tell me about his parents’ reaction I… I guess it made me worry you’d react the same way. His parents wouldn’t talk to him after and I guess I was afraid you’d be disappointed in me too, I was afraid of losing you.”
“It’s terrible that they reacted the way they did, but Jared you have to know we wouldn’t turn our backs on you. Ever since you were a kid we’ve said we’d always love and support you, you being in love with Jensen, or any man for that matter, isn’t going to change that. You’re our son and we love you regardless. You be sure to remember that young man,” she says firmly but with care as she pulls him into her embrace.
Jared holds to her tightly, fisting his hands into the back of her shirt, and buries his face in her hair. It feels so good to have no secrets between them, knowing she loves and supports him. It is more than he could have asked for and he feels a bit foolish for ever doubting her. Now all he has to do is tell the rest of his family, which he plans to do soon.
:0Ж0:
January 10th, 2001
Jared follows Chris down to the cafeteria even though it is the last thing he wants to be doing right now. His friend wouldn’t leave him alone until he agreed to go get a coffee and something to eat with him. All Jared wanted to do was stay by Jensen’s side, but one look at Mackenzie had him agreeing to leave with Chris. It was obvious she wanted a little time alone with her brother. He figured it was the least he could do considering he very rarely leaves Jensen long enough to give his family any time with him on their own. That may be selfish but he just can’t help it. He’s afraid of Jensen waking up while he isn’t there and that is just something he cannot allow to happen.
He heads straight to the coolers once they reach the cafeteria and takes out a turkey and cheese sandwich along with a bottle of Pepsi, deciding to skip out on the coffee because he has had more than enough these last few days to last him a lifetime. It doesn’t help that the coffee the hospital provides is crap, a latte from Starbucks would be much appreciated but he doesn’t want to ask anyone to get him one, doesn’t want to be a burden on anyone at a time like this. He certainly isn’t going to leave the hospital long enough to grab a decent cup of coffee and he doesn’t expect anyone else to either.
“You look like hell warmed over, son,” Chris says once they have found a table and are seated across from one another.
“Gee thanks, always knew I could count on you to make me feel good about myself,” Jared mutters moodily but Chris doesn’t take any offense to it, just grins and nods his head. Jared sighs and shrugs. “I feel like shit so I guess it’s only fitting that I’d look just as bad.”
“I know you’re worried about Jen, man, we all are, but you know he’s gonna be alright, don’t ya?” Chris speaks in an uncharacteristically soft voice, concern etched onto his face. “He’s one of the strongest SOB’s I know, he’ll wake up in no time, you’ll see.”
“Yeah I know, he’s fighting, it’s just really hard to take in the meantime. I want him to wake up so badly, to know that he’s okay. I don’t think I’ll truly feel everything is okay until he wakes up. We don’t know what kind of condition he’s in as far as the head trauma’s concerned. What if there’s something seriously wrong? We know there was some swelling in his brain…”
“And we also know that the swelling has gone down,” Chris interrupts him in a firm tone of voice that brooks for no argument. “That’s a good sign Jay, you need to remember and hold onto that. Jen’s gonna be okay, his body just needs a little rest and time to heal is all, I’m sure of it. He’ll wake up when he’s ready.”
“I really hope you’re right about that,” Jared mutters, staring morosely down at the bottle of Pepsi in his hands, rolling it absentmindedly in his palms. “Can we talk about something else?”
Chris must hear the plea in his voice, the desperation for a change of topic, because he doesn’t push the subject. Jared is grateful for this because he is kind of tired of everyone trying to convince him that everything is going to be okay. It isn’t that he doesn’t want to believe that, he wants to more than anything, but he knows he won’t truly believe it until Jensen is awake and looking at him, nothing else will be able to reassure him.
“So, you told your parents that you’re gay huh? Sure took you long enough,” Chris says with a slight smirk on his lips though Jared can detect a hint of pride on his face and that just surprises him to all hell. That isn’t a normal expression for Chris, at least not something serious like this. It is rare when Chris is genuinely proud of someone, it makes it all the more special in Jared’s opinion, almost as though it is coming from a brother rather than his friend.
“Yeah, I finally got up the nerve and told my mom last night, and then I told everyone else this morning. I just wish I would’ve done it sooner,” Jared says with a sigh but still manages to place a small smile on his lips. “I know it would’ve meant a lot to Jensen to have been there when I told them, he should’ve been there with me.”
“You can tell him when he wakes up, something tells me the boy could use some good news, bring a smile to his face and all that,” Chris says with a flick of his wrist, going for nonchalant but not quite managing it. They both know how big of a deal this is for Jensen, he has never liked hiding who he is and he will be happy to know Jared isn’t afraid anymore. I just hope I’m not too late.
“They’re all cool with it?” Chris asks, bringing Jared out of his thoughts.
“Yeah, well Jeff said he’ll need time to get used to it, but he doesn’t hate me or anything so… everything’s gonna be okay, that’s what matters.”
“Everything’s falling into place,” Chris says with a nod and a smile. “I’m glad it’s all working out for you Jared, I know how worried you were about them reacting badly, it’s good that everything’s working out the way you hoped they would.”
He has to admit that it does feel pretty good but he can’t truly appreciate it at the moment. This is something he’d hoped to share with Jensen and it just feels wrong to be happy when Jensen’s lying in a coma, unable to share Jared’s joy. There will be time later to fully feel the relief that he knows he is feeling, right now he is focusing on Jensen and waiting for his boyfriend to open those beautiful eyes of his.
“I just wish I would’ve done it sooner,” Jared says with a sigh and rubs at his tired eyes.
“Better late than never,” Chris responds with a shrug, and in any other circumstance that statement might be right, but not this time, not this situation.
“No, I should’ve gotten up the nerve when it counted,” he says firmly, unwilling to believe any different. “It may be too late now.”
“You don’t know that Jare.” Chris sounds frustrated and it makes Jared feel kind of guilty, he knows his friend is trying everything he can think of to make him feel better, but all Jared can think is if he had told his parents earlier he and Jensen never would’ve went to that bar and everything would be fine right now.
He knows his thoughts are kind of running around in circles but the guilt is practically eating him alive and he just can’t let himself feel better about the actions he has taken. People keep trying to convince him that he isn’t to blame but he just can’t let himself believe them, because deep down he truly believes that he is partly to blame. How can I not be?
“Nothing I say will make you believe me, will it?” Chris asks with a heavy sigh and a sympathetic expression on his face.
Jared doesn’t respond, they both know the answer to that.
:0Ж0:
Jared sits outside of the nearby Starbucks, a cup of coffee warming his palms, and can’t stop fidgeting restlessly with the need to get back to the hospital. He doesn’t want to be here. Sure, it feels good to have a decent cup of coffee for once and the sunshine is nice on his face, but he really doesn’t want to be here. I should be with Jensen is the only thought on his mind. Jensen is in the hospital, there is no telling when he will wake up, and Jared shouldn’t be out here having a cup of coffee like everything is normal.
That is his opinion anyway.
Mackenzie and his mom sit across from him, worried and exasperated expressions on their faces. He tries to relax and show he enjoys their company and is grateful that they care so much, he really does, but his nerves are all over the place and he can’t hide his anxiety. This is the longest he’s been away from Jensen’s side and he honestly doesn’t like it. He knows he needs to relax and stop worrying so much, Josh is with Jensen after all, so it’s not like he’s alone, but Jared really wants to be there in case he wakes up.
However, despite his restlessness, he will admit this was just what he needed. To see anything that isn’t a starch white wall of a hospital room or corridor is refreshing and makes him feel a little less like he is going out of his mind. The smell of antiseptic was starting to drive him a bit crazy. A little fresh air and sunshine goes a long way to make him feel a little better and he’s grateful to the ladies sitting with him for forcing him out of the hospital.
“I know you’re worried about him Jay, we all are, but we also know he’d want you to take care of yourself,” Mackenzie says gently, giving him a soft and patient smile. He doesn’t even try to argue with her, Jensen is closest to his sister and if anyone knows him, even better than Jared, it would be her. He knows how hard this situation has been for her as well and making her worry about him just makes him feel guilty.
“I know that, I do, it’s just really hard when being away from him for even five minutes makes me restless and twitchy,” Jared responds with a sigh and a sheepish smile. “I’m worried enough as it is but being away from him makes me worry more.”
“And I get that, I really do. I’m right there with you. But he wouldn’t want you to do this to yourself and none of us do either. Now I’m not telling you to go home and get some sleep, we both know it’d do no good, but we’re worried about you so could you at least try to get some rest?” She asks with pleading eyes that have the power to make Jared agree to anything. “You don’t have to leave the hospital, you can sleep in the room. It’d just be nice if you got a little more than you’ve been allowing yourself.”
“Alright,” Jared says with fond exasperation in his voice. “I promise to take better care of myself.”
“Good,” his mom speaks up with a little smirk on her face and Jared can’t even muster up the strength to scowl. It is obvious he has been set up, she must have put together the fact that Mackenzie would be the one to get through to him and used this knowledge against him. “Cause, and I say this in the nicest way possible, you’re looking terrible J.T. You’re pale and there are bags under your eyes.”
“I don’t have to look in a mirror to know I look like shit mom,” Jared responds with a small pout that he would deny if someone mentioned it. “I know I’ve been pushing myself too hard. Besides, I already said I’d take better care of myself, you don’t have to point out how crappy I look.”
“I’ll believe that when I see it,” she says dryly but manages to smile softly at him to soften her words.
Jared manages a small smile in return before sighing softly and lowering his head, staring hard down at the lid of his Starbucks cup. Neither Mackenzie nor his mom says anything, obviously aware that his thoughts have turned to Jensen once more. They just silently observe him with sympathetic eyes and let him have this moment to think.
He can’t help but wonder how much this whole ordeal is going to change things, not just in their relationship but for Jensen in general. What Jensen went through was traumatic and scarring, no one walks away from that unscathed. Jared can’t help wondering how much this is going to change his boyfriend.
He will love Jensen no matter what, that isn’t what this is about, but he is a little worried about how damaged his boyfriend may be after everything. Jensen is the type of person that tries to believe the best in everyone, cares about people and wants to help, is generally happy if not a bit reserved and he is one of the most generous and caring people Jared knows. Will that change? And how scarred with this leave Jensen? Will Jared be able to help him?
These are all questions plaguing and haunting Jared at the moment, and he is a little more than worried this will make Jensen pull away from him. He realizes how possible this outcome is and can admit he’s scared. He doesn’t want to lose Jensen, he wants to help him in any way he can, and the thought that he might not be able to just tears him in two.
Mainly he is just plain worried about Jensen and how the attack will affect him.
He didn’t deserve this, he thinks as tears fill his eyes and his heart clenches. He would give anything to switch places with Jensen, to take this on and deal with it for him, but he knows he can’t so all he can do is be strong and do his best to help Jensen get through this.
:0Ж0:
Jared feels all air escape his lungs when he returns to the hospital room and finds confused green eyes staring back at him. He can’t seem to move a muscle, feet frozen just inside the doorway, a mix of emotions crashing through his system. The main thing he is feeling is relief, all consuming relief at the fact that Jensen is finally awake. He promptly releases a soft curse however when he realizes that Jensen is alone and it quickly leads Jared to wonder if he woke up that way.
Where the hell is Josh? he screams internally, feeling irrational anger towards Jensen’s brother. He can’t help it though, the whole reason Jared refused to leave the hospital for even just a few minutes was because he wanted to be here when Jensen woke up, and he especially didn’t want Jensen to wake up alone, and now it would seem that may have happened anyway.
It only takes another minute before he gets with the program and he crosses the space between him and Jensen, dropping down onto the chair beside the bed and taking his boyfriend’s hand in his own. Jensen grips his hand as tightly as his weak body can manage, tears welling in his eyes, and Jared doesn’t have to question whether he remembers the attack or not.
“Jay,” Jensen whispers, voice rough and raspy from disuse.
“I’m so sorry Jen,” Jared blurts out, guilt building up and spilling over, tears filling his eyes that he doesn’t even have the heart to hold back. “I wanted to be here when you woke up, haven’t left your side since I got here. I shouldn’t have left, should’ve been here, I’m so sorry.”
He had fought so hard to be here when Jensen woke up, wanted his face to be the first one Jensen laid eyes on, and now that has been taken away from him and it hits Jared so hard he nearly breaks down into sobs.
“No, Jay no, don’t apologize. It’s fine, really, you’re here now and that’s all that matters,” Jensen consoles him, squeezing his hand reassuringly, and somehow that only manages to make Jared feel worse. Jared should be making sure Jensen’s okay, not the other way around. “I haven’t been awake that long, I promise. Come on, stop crying, it’s okay Jay.”
It sounds like it’s hard for Jensen to speak, even a bit painful, his face scrunching up with discomfort and doing his best to wet his throat without the aid of water. This knocks some sense back into Jared, pushes his own guilt away, the only thing remaining is the need to make sure Jensen is okay and that he doesn’t try to talk too much, too soon.
“No I’m sorry, what I really meant to ask is how you’re doing,” Jared says with a tearful smile, leaning forward to rest a palm against Jensen’s cheek, caressing skin with the pad of his thumb. “Do you need anything? Some water?”
“I’m not really sure how I’m doing. I think I should be in pain, kind of am, a little, but whatever drugs they’re giving me are doing their job,” Jensen responds with a tiny, humorless chuckle and a wry smile that quickly disappears with a frown and sound of pain. He leans into Jared’s hand though, showing he appreciates and needs the touch, the comfort.
“Josh went to get the doctor,” he answers the unspoken question on Jared’s mind, “and a little water would be great, my throat is dryer than a desert right now.”
“It sounds painful,” Jared says with sympathy and glances around the room but curses softly under his breath when he doesn’t find a pitcher of water. “I’ll have to track down a nurse to get you some water but till then try not to speak too much.”
“Not gonna hear any complaints out of me.” Jensen gives a half smile that seems less painful for him and grows quiet, leaning into Jared’s hand a bit more and looking up at him with so many emotions shining in his eyes.
“I’m so relieved you’re awake Jen, you had me so worried about you,” Jared speaks softly and gives Jensen a look that says he doesn’t need him to respond, just needs to get this out, needs him to know. “I love you so much, I hope you know that. I didn’t mean what I said that night, I was just scared. I know I hurt you and I’m so sorry for that. I do love you though, and my life just wouldn’t be the same without you in it. I don’t want to lose you again, it’d kill me. I need you, so much that it scares me, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Jensen’s eyes are bright in the dimly lit room and he looks as though he wants to say something but can’t quite find the words. Jensen’s eyes have always given him away though, they speak for him when he can’t, and Jared can read him right now like an open book. He is happy, relieved even, and it makes Jared feel damn good just to see it. Nothing is perfect, not all their problems have been solved and there are still trust issues to be resolved, but it is a step in the right direction and it gives Jared hope.
He still feels guilty about what was said and done that night, some deep down place inside of him might carry that guilt forever, but without Jensen having to say the words Jared knows he has been forgiven and given another chance. That alone takes a bit of weight off of Jared’s shoulders and he already feels a little better.
“I love you too Jay,” Jensen finally speaks, weakly squeezing Jared’s hand and doing his best to smile at him without causing himself too much pain.
“It’s nice to officially meet you Mr. Ackles.”
Jensen tears his eyes away at the unexpected voice. When he sees a doctor, Mackenzie and Jared’s mom standing just inside the doorway his eyes widen and he rips his hand out of Jared’s grasp. Jared is startled by the action but what worries him is the fear he sees in his boyfriend’s eyes. Something tells him it is because he is afraid the doctor and Jared’s mom caught their intimate moment and can tell they are more than just friends. This bothers Jared because Jensen never cared who knew before but now he obviously does and there isn’t a doubt in Jared’s mind as to why.
Once again he finds himself wishing he could get his hands on the guys who did this and beat the crap out of them. For all the damage they have caused and all the damage they continue to cause after the fact. They may be in jail and set to go to trial, hopefully to spend years in prison like they deserve, but somehow it just doesn’t seem like enough to Jared. He is sure they don’t regret what they did and he highly doubts prison time is going to change them for the better.
As the doctor goes on to explain to Jensen the extent of his injuries and what he should expect in the coming days Jared places his hand on Jensen’s shoulder, figuring he will freak out if Jared tries to grab his hand. This is a difficult time for Jensen, the wary look in his eyes and the soft sigh he releases says it all, and Jared just wants him to know he isn’t alone.
Jensen’s eyes get kind of distant for a few moments as the doctor continues talking and immediately Jared knows he is remembering the attack, fear plain as day in his bright green eyes, and Jared gently squeezes his shoulder to silently offer his support and reassurance. Jensen’s smile is a bit strained but his eyes express his gratitude.
“Now I know you probably don’t want to hear this but considering what you’ve been through I would highly recommend you see a psychologist. This is something you shouldn’t keep inside. I understand it isn’t easy but you’re going to need someone to talk to, someone to help you through this tough time,” the doctor speaks gently. “I have a list of recommendations for you and I would really like for you to at least consider it, it’d be a real good thing for you. I’ll give them to you before you’re released.”
Jensen just looks back with a blank expression that Jared knows means seeing a therapist isn’t even on the list of things Jensen intends to do. Jared can’t say he agrees, he thinks Jensen should see someone who he can talk to about the attack. Sure, he wants to be the one Jensen turns to but he can’t deny that a professional could probably provide help even Jared couldn’t. There isn’t a doubt in Jared’s mind that Jensen will be difficult about this but Jared plans to talk to his boyfriend and try to convince him to take the doctor’s advice.
“When will I be released?” Jensen asks instead, completely ignoring the doctor’s words, acting as though he hadn’t heard a word. The doctor doesn’t act as though he is disappointed though. He is probably used to this kind of response from his patients and is unfazed at this point.
“There are still some tests we’d like to run and I’d like to monitor you for a few days to make sure everything is okay. You’ve only just woken up so let’s just take this one day at a time,” the doctor replies with a kind smile, answering without actually answering, and Jared can tell Jensen isn’t happy about this.
The doctor leaves after this and the room falls into silence, Jensen glaring hard at the blankets covering him, refusing to look anyone in the eyes. Jared watches him sadly for a moment before turning his attention to his mom, Josh, and Mackenzie who are just standing a few feet away, looking as though they want to speak but are unsure what to say.
“Could you guys please give me a moment alone with him?” Jared asks, pleading with his voice as well as his eyes. He just needs a few minutes, needs to talk to his boyfriend in private.
They all nod their heads in understanding before silently leaving the room and shutting the door behind them.
“I know what you’re gonna say Jared but you can save your breath, I don’t want to go to no psychologist and I don’t plan to,” Jensen says stubbornly, in a firm voice that says his mind is made up.
“It might help,” Jared says gently, not wanting to upset Jensen but needing to say it all the same.
“I don’t want to argue with you Jay so please just let it go.”
Despite wanting to press the issue Jared knows now really isn’t the time. “Okay we won’t talk about it now,” he says carefully, letting Jensen know the subject hasn’t been dropped, just put on hold. “There was something else I wanted to talk to you about though.”
Jensen just gives him a tired look and Jared silently curses himself for forgetting that Jensen only just woke up, this all might be too much for him to deal with at one time. This is good news though, a quiet voice speaks up at the back of his mind. It might be good news but Jensen does look awfully tired and Jared figures this conversation can wait once he has gotten some rest. “It can wait until after you’ve gotten some sleep though,” he quickly says. “You look like you could use some rest.”
“No, it’s alright, what did you want to talk about?” Jensen asks in a tired tone of voice but the expression on his face says he is listening.
“Well… I just, I’ve been thinking about our conversation that night; have had more than enough time to think things over and… I’m ready Jen, to tell my family about us,” Jared finally manages to get out, his heart racing in his chest with anticipation, a smile threatening to break out onto his face. “I want them to know who I love, want them to love you just as much as I do. Though, I think they already do.” He can’t stop a smile from forming on his face this time. He doesn’t tell Jensen that he’s already spoken to his family, have told them that he’s gay. He hasn’t told them that he and Jensen are seeing each other though, that’s one thing Jensen can be there with him for, the important part he didn’t miss out on.
Jensen, however, quickly grows pale and Jared’s afraid his boyfriend’s going to be sick. He looks as though he is going to throw up at any second. Besides that though Jared can plainly see honest to God fear in Jensen’s eyes and that freezes the smile on his face in its tracks.
Jensen clears his throat and looks away from Jared, refusing to meet his eyes. “No, I think you were right before. I’m fine with keeping us a secret; it’s probably a good idea actually.”
Jared shakes his head, astonished to be hearing this even though he thinks he shouldn’t be so surprised. This all just sounds so wrong, never has Jensen wanted to hide himself, hide them, and now he suddenly does and Jared simultaneously wants to smash something and hug Jensen tightly, never let go. “You don’t mean that Jen. All you’ve wanted was for me to tell my family, to hold your hand in public, and I’m ready to do all that and more. I should’ve done it long before now. But I’m ready now, ready to love you the way I’m supposed to, to be proud of us. Don’t tell me you don’t want that anymore.”
Jensen’s trembling by now, still refusing to meet his eyes, and he shakes his head fiercely. “No, I’d thought that was what I wanted, but I was foolish Jay. Holding hands and kissing in public, that isn’t for couples like us,” Jensen says quietly and Jared is equally stricken by the fact that he sounds like he means it and that tears are now streaming down Jensen’s face. “You had the right idea all along, it’s safer for us if we keep our relationship behind closed doors. Being out and proud, it only gets you hurt Jared. I don’t wanna be hurt again, don’t want to be killed just for being who I am. It’s not worth it, and I don’t want anything to happen to you. No, it’s best if we keep things the way they are.”
Tears are now streaming down Jared’s face as well, the pain and fear in Jensen’s voice breaks his heart. He doesn’t quite know what to do either, his boyfriend is crying hysterically, terrified and broken, and Jared doesn’t know what to do to make things better.
Carefully, mindful of his injuries, Jared pulls Jensen into an awkward hug and does his best to comfort him. “California isn’t like Texas Jen, you don’t have to hide who you are there, no one’s going to care. And you don’t have to worry about my family either, they’ll be supportive. They are supportive,” Jared tries to reassure him but it only makes Jensen’s tears fall harder. “We can’t let them win Jen, you can’t let them break you, take away everything you’ve always believed in. Don’t let them ruin your life Jensen. I know it’s hard and I know you’re scared, I won’t even try to say I understand what you’re going through, but I know you don’t want them to ruin everything you’ve built your life on. You’re the strongest person I know and I have never been prouder of anyone in my life.”
“I don’t want to be hurt again Jay,” Jensen says between hiccups, sobs and harsh pants of breath.
“I know, and I promise you I’ll never let anyone hurt you ever again,” Jared swears as he hugs Jensen close to him and tightly closes his eyes against the tears blurring his vision and the sounds of his broken boyfriend. “Everything will be different in California, you’ll see, you won’t have to be afraid there.”
Jensen doesn’t respond this time but Jared silently promises to help him get through his all, not willing to believe for even a second that he can’t. He needs to be the strong one now, needs to believe for the both of him, and he refuses to fail Jensen when it matters the most.
Slowly fading away
You're lost and so afraid
Where is the hope in a world so cold?
Looking for a distant light
Someone who could save a life
Living in fear that no one will hear your cries
"Can you save me now?"
I am with you
I will carry you through it all
I won't leave you, I will catch you
When you feel like letting go
'Cause you're not, you're not alone
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Lyrics:
Not Alone - by Red