[Drunnkk Post.

[expectremorse]

[Someone has let Hoffman in the pub. This was a bad idea. Because the best time to expound upon wisdom is to tell people your feelings when drunk. Unfortunately, Hoffman is smart about that.]

[Filtered to Hoffman's friends. If you think you're there-you're there. If you want to get this by mistake you're there.]

so everbods ded and verbody

Comments

[yeahscience]

Are you high?

[creatingalegacy]

I can't get past that. I'm not sure I ever will, and maybe that means I'll be here forever, but it's true. I can keep on living but I can't forgive myself.

I killed a child...the child of the people I love the most. There's no forgiveness there.

[It still doesn't matter to her that it was an accident, or that she never wanted it to happen, or that she OD'ed in the hopes of dying several times after it happened.]

[expectremorse]

...I'm sorry.

[He does sound sorry. He sounds so sincere it's pathetic. Only when drunk.]

You really are a stronger person then I am.

[creatingalegacy]

Don't fuck with me.

[She can hear the sincerity but her instincts won't let her believe it. It's not a threat, though, just her getting snappy.]

Matthews' kid was here when the network fucked up, you know. I talked to him.

[expectremorse]

[Hoffman's eyes open wide and close.]

...Matthews?

...anybod...

anybody else?

[someone is home sick.]

[creatingalegacy]

Daniel Matthews. It was the day of his father's funeral.

[Yeah. Let that sink in, Hoffman. Amanda's already been dealing with it.]

I told him everything. The extent of my involvement, how you were an apprentice...he said he'll work on forgiving me. He doesn't hate me.

[And he called you a creepy fat guy. :c She'll leave that out unless Hoffman asks lol]

Just him and your sister. Nobody else from home.

[expectremorse]

...I remember when Daniel was born. Eric and Miranda were so happy. He was passing around cigars. They were so happy. Sure they were initially upset, but first week...Eric was never far away from those damn pictures.

[He laughs and then his laughter grows dim and dark] What did he have to say?

[creatingalegacy]

He said he hopes this place isn't hell, because he doesn't want me to go there. He's sorry for what his father did to me and he cares about me...and that maybe I helped to set his life straight. That he won't go to prison now, after what I did, because he sees that there are other things he wants to do.

He said I'm a good person and he's not angry with me, but it'll take time for him to forgive me. I told him I understood.

[There's a pause. A looong pause.]

He didn't say much about you when I told him about your involvement. He asked me if I meant the "creepy fat guy."

[expectremorse]

[Hoffman's mouth twists]

......well aren't you a special snowflake.

[creatingalegacy]

I spent every minute between us protecting him. It didn't matter to him why, only that I actually fuckin' cared. I tried telling him.

He's naive. Don't blame me, asshole, and don't blame him. You don't understand the shit he went through.

[expectremorse]

John moved his father's test ahead! He wouldn't..

[Oh goddamnit.]

What's the point in arguing with you anymore.

[creatingalegacy]

I just fuckin' said, he's naive! Don't act like you're the expert on coping. Neither of us are, don't act like we'd be handling it any better, dammit!

[expectremorse]

You're right. I'm not.

...You really do care.

[creatingalegacy]

...I didn't expect to. It happened inside the house.

I think it was when he took the fucking syringes out of me.

[expectremorse]

...How could you not expect..

[There is a long period of quiet and another shuffling noise. Hoffman's moving things around in his space. When he speaks, his voice is thick.]

....Nicer then his father.

[creatingalegacy]

Because I wasn't supposed to let my heart into it, for fuck's sake! You know damn well!

...I never was any good at that part of it.