[Drunnkk Post.

[expectremorse]

[Someone has let Hoffman in the pub. This was a bad idea. Because the best time to expound upon wisdom is to tell people your feelings when drunk. Unfortunately, Hoffman is smart about that.]

[Filtered to Hoffman's friends. If you think you're there-you're there. If you want to get this by mistake you're there.]

so everbods ded and verbody

Comments

[yeahscience]

Are you high?

[Gotcha.]

[expectremorse]

I donnt need you to tell me i va

I have a

fucking problem1

[His own response switches to voice. He sounds bad.]

I'm not a fucking addict!

[creatingalegacy]

You're never gonna kick it if you can't admit you have an addiction. You have to do it yourself. Nobody is here to save you from it.

[Meaning John isn't there to force him to quit like he did Amanda.]

[expectremorse]

[Hoffman's responses are still voice]

How are you still standing. How. I always knew you were stronger then I was. I never saw it. Jealous? I was Jealous. I am jealous.

[There is a shuffling sound] Where are you. Why are you so quiet.

[creatingalegacy]

[...well.]

Why? You planning to find me and take out some of that jealousy with your fists?

[expectremorse]

[Hoffman's laugh is a little too long-and far too unnatural]

If I leave the broom closet people will see me. I'm tired of people seeing me. I don't belong around people.

Not if I can't...do anything.

[creatingalegacy]

You'd rather wallow in your despair? Asshole.

You can grieve and continue to live. I've been doing it since you broke the news about what you did to my family, and it's doubled now that Sarah's gone. I don't fuckin' hide in closets and drink or drug myself into a stupor.

Don't be fucking useless.

[expectremorse]

...I was a police officer!

I was a police officer. [He can't scream.] I was a police officer. It was all I had. And I threw it all away. And here, people fucking forgive me but what-what, I don't deserve it.

[He sounds sick]

You wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. And I keep...wanting people to help me? Wanting to keep people with me? I dont deserve it.

If I deserved it, I would have protected you from Jig-from John. I would have said something. Done something. And people want to leave and all I wanted was for everyone to have a nice fucking time during the holidays

[creatingalegacy]

You were a cop. Not anymore. You need to get over that shit or you're going to be here forever, telling everyone you were a cop instead of fucking doing anything.

I forgive John for everything he did to me. Everything. I still love him, and I wouldn't trade the time I spent with him for graduation. Getting recruited had not a single fuckin' thing to do with you. Not everything is about you, dumbass. Get that through your head.

It's what happened to John and Jill that I can't forgive you for.

[expectremorse]

What do I have now.

[more shuffling] what do...what do we have now? You and I?

[creatingalegacy]

I have my memories. I have a new warden telling me I'm not a lost cause, and what Sarah did for me before she disappeared. I have friends. I still have, and never even once lost my capacity for love. Even though I can't forgive myself, I have those things.

I don't know what you have. You need to figure that shit out for yourself.

[expectremorse]

Do you have any idea how lucky you are not to have someone have taken your emotions away from you?

That's what John Kramer did. [Denial] He took it away from me. He did. I...I...

never once. [Does he sound ready to cry? Yes.]

[creatingalegacy]

Bullshit! You think I wasn't fed the whole "the heart cannot be involved" speech? He was talking about the work. He loved me as a daughter, but as his apprentice, he tested me again when I screwed him over. There was a clear divide for him, and it was fucked up, but he never tried to take mine away, or destroy his own. He had to test me again because I could never maintain the same divide. I felt too strongly about everything for the position.

If you lost them it's because you fuckin' walled them off yourself.

[expectremorse]

[There is a noise, a strangled noise. It's a sob, followed by another.]

Are you happy that you're the one who won?

I lost.

that's it. Game over.

[creatingalegacy]

We all lost, you stupid son of a bitch! All of us! Me, you, John, Jill--Gordon's still alive out there and he's fucking lost, too!

There are no winners in this fucking game. Think I won if you want, that's your own private delusion, but the fucking work wouldn't have even started if it hadn't been for me. You think the cancer would have driven him to suicide if he'd had his wife and kid to live for?

You don't know what living with that is like, so get the fuck out of your little pity-party or don't have it around me.

[expectremorse]

[There's no noise. Just, the sound of someone shifting around in the closet.]

...What are you going to do when you get out of here? It's a valu-

[Hoffman swallows]

....I don't know how you can move forward with that. How you're able.