(DAY 3: #65) TO WHAT YOUR HEART ONCE WAS
Title: To What Your Heart Once Was
Pairing: Luhan/Xiumin
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7800w
Summary: Luhan is a kaleidoscope, reflecting different fragments of himself every day; Minseok will behold them all, and love them.
Minseok switches the bags of takeout to one hand and fishes out his keys with the other. Sehun immediately falls on him when he gets the door open-“Finally, I was passing out, I hope you got extra spring rolls”-and whisks off to the kitchen with the food.
“Don’t touch the cashew chicken,” Minseok calls out after him. Sehun gives no sign that he heard, and Minseok sighs as he pulls off his coat.
“Hey.” Junmyeon walks up, hands in his pockets, trying to seem nonchalant and not really succeeding. “Dinner?”
“Yeah, sorry it took me a while,” Minseok says. “Did Luhan seem hungry?”
“He wandered down a few minutes after you left,” Junmyeon says, “but he didn’t say anything before heading back up. He seemed a little…disoriented.”
Minseok sighs again. “All right. I’m going to bring his food up then.” He could ask Luhan to come down and join them, but he’s already certain he knows what the reaction will be.
“Minseok…” Junmyeon flinches at the glare Minseok pins him with. “Okay, I know you don’t want to hear it again. But I wish you’d think this through. Do you really think this is best for him? For you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Minseok says, brushing past Junmyeon to go save whatever’s left of the cashew chicken. “He would never give up on me. I’m not giving up on him.”
“Command’s sending a pick-up team, we’ve got to get into position.”
“We can’t leave yet, we can’t leave anyone behind!”
“If we don’t go now, none of us make it out. I’m drained, and I know you are too. If the wards break, you’re not strong enough to protect yourself. You’re gonna wind up hurt-maybe dead.”
“Well then, guess you’d better stop wasting my time and let me go find him before it comes to that.”
It’s like déjà vu. This house and the people in it-it all seems like it should be terribly familiar, but none of it is. Luhan paces around the room he woke up in trying to conjure some other memory of these floors, the four walls, the bed with the tangled sheets he’d flung off himself in a mild panic. Nothing comes to mind. It’s not just this room either: the whole house is strange to him, giving off that feeling that he knows this place but not inspiring any memories to validate it. It had been the faces of strangers that finally drove him back to the room.
He might’ve left the house altogether, if he could remember a single thing about himself other than his name.
Someone knocks on his door. Luhan stares stupidly at it for a moment before calling out, “Who is it?” What a pointless question. He can’t think of a single person on this earth that he knows.
“It’s Minseok,” comes the reply, and before Luhan can decide if this is a person he should let in or leave out, he adds, “I brought dinner,” and Luhan’s stomach grumbles in response, making the decision for him.
Luhan opens the door and steps aside, giving the shorter, dark-haired man a wide berth when he walks past. “You haven’t eaten since last night, you must be starving,” Minseok says. He heads straight for the desk in the corner of the room, setting down cartons of takeout. Napkins and chopsticks are laid out, and he sticks a spoon into a container of hot soup. Minseok steps back and gestures Luhan to the desk chair. “Go ahead, start eating.”
Luhan doesn’t need to be told twice. He almost trips over his feet in his hurry towards the desk, and immediately starts shoveling food into his mouth. He sees the tiny grin on Minseok’s face before he moves away.
Only after every hunk of chicken has been consumed and the last noodle has been slurped up does Luhan realize he took his eyes off Minseok when he probably shouldn’t have. He swivels in the chair and finds Minseok sitting cross-legged on the bed-after, apparently, having neatly smoothed the sheets and bedspread back over the mattress. “Better?” Minseok asks.
Luhan nods.
“Good,” Minseok says. His smile melts away and concern fills his eyes. “What do you remember?”
I’m a human being. My name is Luhan. I was hungry and now I’m not. So, basically, nothing. But it seems too terrifying to admit to out loud, especially to someone he doesn’t recognize. “What-what should I remember?” he asks hesitantly.
Minseok’s head tilts as he continues looking at Luhan with a strange softness. “Whatever you can. It’s all right if you can’t, though. Maybe you can’t today. But you will.”
“Do I know you?” Luhan blurts out.
A flash of a smile. “Do you?”
Luhan licks his lips nervously. “I think I do. I-I don’t know why, but-“ I don’t feel scared about being alone in this room with you, I didn’t hesitate to eat the food you gave me when for all I know I’m dying of poison now, and the urge to go sit next to you is so strong it’s making my hands shake.
“You do know me,” Minseok says. “Maybe not right now, but you did. And you will again. I’ll help you remember everything.”
A cold trickle of dread runs down Luhan’s spine. “Everything?”
Minseok looks very understanding. “Yes, there’s a lot. But it’s nothing to worry about today. Just rest today. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he stands up, moving towards the door.
“But-“ I don’t think I want to be alone right now.
“Yes?”
Luhan swallows. “Nothing. See you tomorrow.”
There are good days and bad days. Sometimes Minseok will wake Luhan up for breakfast and Luhan will grumble at him fondly before joining everyone in the kitchen, arguing with Yixing about which Toy Story installment was the best and laughing at Baekhyun’s inside jokes; familiar, at ease. And then sometimes, reality seems to elude Luhan entirely. Mostly he’s somewhere in the middle, remembering enough to be Good Old Luhan-but not enough to remember why sometimes he’s not.
Junmyeon had at first gently suggested a hospital, but it had become clear pretty quickly that it wasn’t really a feasible situation. Sometimes Luhan lost control, and Minseok had been adamant about keeping Luhan somewhere that could be safely warded. Somewhere he could stay with Luhan and monitor the wards. Minseok couldn’t risk Luhan hurting himself, and he knew Luhan would be devastated if he accidentally hurt someone else. And so Minseok had shelled out a sizeable sum for this secluded house in the mountains. It was almost a relief to clean out that particular bank account; after all, it was only, Minseok thought bitterly, blood money.
Minseok had felt a mixture of surprise, relief, and resignation when the others had moved into the house with him and Luhan. They helped him ward Luhan’s room, and shortly thereafter the whole rest of the house after a rather lively incident in the kitchen with the microwave and a boiling pot of ramen. Minseok was quick to tell them that none of them were under any obligation to stay; the wards were somewhat of an inconvenience since they affected all of them, and Minseok knew how Sehun was most comfortable with a constant light breeze around him, and Chanyeol enjoyed being able to cook without a stovetop, and Jongin liked to be able to teleport right into his own bed after a long night. But they’d all given him looks that varied between amusement, exasperation, and resolve, and without further discussion, Junmyeon had started drafting up a schedule of chores to be shared around the house.
Minseok feels increasingly thankful that they stayed. It has been twelve weeks since they moved into this house.
And it has been three weeks since Luhan’s last good day.
“Luhan, what are you doing? We’re supposed to be rendezvousing for pick-up, you can’t go back in there!”
“Minseok’s still in there.”
“Shit, I didn’t know anyone was still inside. But I’m sorry, I can’t let you back in. The team will be here any minute, and these wards-they aren’t stable, Luhan.”
“Just hold the team off for ten minutes, all right? And if I’m not back by then…then leave us, because we’re not making it out anyway.”
It’s an unseasonably warm day. Minseok woke up to blue skies, fluffy white clouds, and Kris’s grin as he challenged Minseok to a game of basketball. Minseok had finished filling up his coffee mug and made a withering remark about Kris’s comfort zone with sports that had a height advantage, and Jongin had promptly laughed and pointed out that Kris had chosen the wrong game: of course a soccer match was the one thing Minseok would never back down from, everybody knows that.
Everyone else had been quick to chime in their eagerness to play, with Junmyeon volunteering to be referee. Minseok’s attempts to opt out were half-hearted and short-lived, and he found himself happily being pulled along to the backyard. After all, Luhan was still fast asleep, and it really was too beautiful a day to waste inside.
They don’t keep track of the time, just heartily agreeing to call it quits when most of them are tired and aching and covered in grass stains; and anyway, Minseok had just scored his 11th goal on Kyungsoo, so there hardly seemed to be any point in dragging it out. They trek back to the house, Jongin and Sehun teasing Yixing for the spectacular dive he’d taken after tripping over his own loose shoelace while Baekhyun and Jongdae, arms draped companionably across each other’s shoulders, complain loudly about each other’s stench. Minseok follows behind them all, grinning at his unconventional family.
Baekhyun’s already handing out water bottles when Minseok joins everyone in the kitchen, having paused to close and lock the back door. He gratefully accepts one and starts drinking deeply-
And almost chokes from surprise at the loud crash that suddenly sounds from upstairs.
Minseok immediately drops the water bottle and tears out of the kitchen, but behind him he hears Kris say, “Shit-where’s Tao?”
He knows where Tao is though. They all do.
Minseok bursts through the door of Luhan’s bedroom and stumbles to a halt to keep himself from tripping over what appears to be a loose drawer from Luhan’s dresser-which is also on the floor. Tao’s all right, thank god; he’s plastered up against the wall and looking terrified, but Minseok doesn’t see any injuries. Clothes and the various knick-knacks that had been on top of the dresser are scattered on the floor, including a heavy glass lamp, which has shattered. At least he’s identified the source of the crash. Now Minseok just needs to understand the why.
Luhan’s breathing heavily, eyes wild, fists clenching and unclenching. “What have you done to me?” he asks, voice a low hiss.
Minseok swallows. “Why did you try to throw a dresser at Tao?”
“Didn’t want to throw it, not with my hands, with my-I was trying to-I can’t touch my magic, I feel it there, it can’t be gone, but I can’t-what have you done to me?”
“It’s still there,” Minseok says placatingly, holding up his hands. “Nothing is wrong with your magic.”
“He did something to me,” Luhan says tremulously, pointing a finger at Tao. “I remember him threatening me, I remember-I remember-“
“What?” Tao bursts incredulously. “I never-“
“You were the one that warned him,” Minseok says in an undertone. “He doesn’t remember the rest of it, he doesn’t understand. You should get out, Tao. Go downstairs with the others.”
Tao shoots a glance at Luhan and nods reluctantly, inching towards the door.
“No!” Luhan shouts, a hand reaching out towards Tao-and his face falls as his arm starts shaking with futile effort. He looks like he wants to cry but is too furious to do so. “You’re not leaving,” he hisses, “not until you tell me what the fuck you did to me.”
“Tao, go,” Minseok snaps, and this time Tao is quick to obey. Minseok reaches out to catch Luhan as he tries to shoulder past him to follow Tao out the door. “No, Luhan, listen to me. Tao didn’t do anything to you. There is nothing wrong with your magic. The house is warded. None of us can touch the magic in here.”
"He did something to me," Luhan seethes, "I heard him say he would take away my magic, he threatened me, gave me an ultimatum-“
"No, Luhan, he didn't," Minseok interrupts, trying to sound calm. "It’s not what you think, I promise. You didn't lose your magic, we've just warded the house, all right?" Minseok walks to the window and brushes aside one of the curtains. Nailed to the wall is a small wooden plaque, inscribed with several runes. Luhan blinks and steps closer, inspecting the ward. “Look. You’re fine. Your magic is fine. This house has protective wards all over it, so don’t worry, you're not the only one who can't touch your magic. We're all blocked off from it."
Luhan’s stare flicks between Minseok and the ward. "Why? Why would you do that?"
Minseok hesitates. "You didn't lose your magic, but something...something did happen. An accident. What do you remember?"
Luhan frowns. “We were on an assignment. That hot spot, right? There was too much activity, too much power being drawn, we could all feel it even from the city. Command sent us to investigate it.”
“Right,” Minseok confirms. “Command dispatched all twelve of us.” His fists clench. “Without any proper protections or reconnaissance.”
Luhan’s frown deepens, and his anger shifts to something more troubled. “What happened? All I can remember is Tao telling me if I didn't listen to him, I would get hurt." He rubs at his temple, the rage briefly flaring in his eyes again. "And now I am."
"Tao was trying to warn you to protect you," Minseok explains. "We were warded while in the field too, a different kind of warding. Less stable. We all knew it was risky.” Minseok sighs, lingering anger and frustration in the sound. “Too risky, we never should have done it. Anyway, Tao was afraid you were going to stay in the hot spot too long, use too much of your magic, and your wards would give out and you would be in trouble."
Knowledge flashes in Luhan’s eyes, but he asks anyway. "And did my wards give out?"
Minseok can't lie to Luhan. He wishes he could hide the truth-in fact, he isn't sure it's even safe to say it, not when Luhan is clearly not in a very right mind-but he can't lie. "Yes."
Luhan looks rather taken back by the confession. "And what-what happened?"
Minseok looks at Luhan sadly. "Why can't you remember it yourself?"
Luhan looks back at the ward nailed to the wall, looks around the room at the debris he'd tossed about. "Oh." He looks like a lost little boy. "That's why you warded the room. I'm...I'm a danger to you, aren't I?"
"You're not a danger," Minseok says harshly.
"I could be though," Luhan notes. "My magic...people were afraid of it even when I could control it. When I could control myself."
"I only did it to keep you safe," Minseok says. "You would never hurt anyone on purpose, Luhan, you know that. I was more afraid you'd hurt yourself."
"Are you-are you staying in this house too?" Luhan asks. "Is...everyone?"
"Yes."
"You shouldn't have to be suffering from this too," Luhan says, sounding grieved. "You shouldn't be staying behind the wards with me, none of you should. There's no reason for it. No reason to cut yourself off from the magic too."
"There is reason for it," Minseok says.
Luhan meets Minseok's eyes, and seems to understand what he's saying. His gaze softens. "I'm not a good reason for you to suffer."
Minseok shrugs, smile wry as he asks, "If you're not, then what is?"
Luhan looks away, shaking his head-but there’s a tiny smile on his face too. His eyes roam over the mess on his bedroom floor. “Um-could you help me right the dresser?”
Together, they put Luhan’s room back in order. The lamp is a lost cause that they carefully pick up the shards of and throw away, but everything else survived Luhan’s wrath. Once everything is back in its place, Luhan flops onto his bed and lets out a jaw-cracking yawn.
“Are you hungry?” Minseok asks. Sometimes, it seems like Luhan even manages to forget about food when Minseok doesn’t remind him.
“Nah,” Luhan says, lazily waving Minseok off, “just let me sleep.”
“Okay,” Minseok says. “But come down and eat if you get hungry later, all right?”
“Out, McFussy,” Luhan grumps.
“Yeah, yeah, all right,” Minseok huffs laughingly.
“Minseok?”
Minseok pauses with his hand on Luhan’s bedroom door. Luhan’s sitting up, eyes as troubled as his voice. “Yeah?”
“Can you-would you please tell Tao that, that I’m sorry?”
Minseok smiles softly, trying to look as comforting as he can manage. “Of course. I’m sure he knows already, but of course.”
“Thanks.” Luhan looks down, biting his lip. “Minseok?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.” He peers up again, hesitantly, dejectedly. “That one’s for you.”
“I don’t need it,” Minseok says. He hopes Luhan didn’t notice how his hand compulsively tightened around the doorknob. “Keep it. Save if for the next time you eat all the honey butter chips.”
“Minseok!”
“Luhan? What-no, get out of here!”
“Not without what’s mine.”
“It’s all so unstable, I can feel-can feel the wards breaking, can feel…I’m standing right in it, god, I’m so stupid, Kris could feel it, tried to warn me-“
“It’s okay, I’m going to get you out.”
“No, too strong, it’s too strong, don’t-no, Luhan!”
Luhan jumps up guiltily at the knock on his door. “Just a second,” he calls, stashing his 3DS under his pillow and hurrying over towards his desk. “Come in,” he calls, hastily pulling a book towards him-why is his desk so bare, where did he dump all his textbooks?
But it isn’t his father coming in to check on his homework.
“Minseok,” he says in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Just came to say hi,” Minseok says. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” Luhan says, rising from his desk chair, “but how did you even find me? I didn’t even know we were going on vacation, I didn’t think I told you-and, and anyway, you can’t be here-“
“Calm down, Luhan,” Minseok says soothingly, but something peculiar flashes in his expression. “Of course you told me. That’s why I’m here, right?”
“You know you can’t be here though,” Luhan says, feeling increasingly more hysterical. Why is Minseok acting like this is okay? His father could come to check on him at any moment-Minseok can’t be here. “Please, Minseok, I’m sorry, you know I am, but you have to go.”
“Why do I have to go?”
Luhan gapes at Minseok. Is this some inside joke he can’t figure out? Does Minseok really think he’s being funny about this? “Why are you being so stupid?”
Minseok takes a tentative step forward. “I’m just here to help you, Luhan.”
Luhan scrambles backward and falls onto his bed-maybe not the best place to wind up, but his legs are too weak for him to get back up again. “I know you want to help me, Minseok, but you can’t, you know you can’t. You really should go, please, if my father sees you-“
“Your father isn’t here,” Minseok interrupts sharply. “You escaped him, a long time ago. Don’t you remember?”
Escaped? Impossible. “I don’t know what this is, Minseok,” Luhan says tremulously, “but you really need to leave-“
“Please don’t ask me to go,” Minseok begs. “I promise you, your father isn’t here, he’s not going to do anything to you, to either of us, you’re safe. So please…let me stay with you for a while.”
Luhan must be hallucinating, right? Or stuck in a dream? There’s no way the things Minseok is saying can be real. And something else seems off about Minseok-his face isn’t quite right, and there’s something in his eyes Luhan’s never seen before. “No,” Luhan’s voice abruptly cracks out. “No, you can’t stay.”
“Luhan,” Minseok says, and he’s suddenly across the room and right in front of Luhan. “Stop it. I’m begging you, please just stop this.” His hands circle both of Luhan’s wrists, firm but gentle, and then he tugs lightly until Luhan gives in and lets himself be pulled up from the bed.
“What’s going on?” Luhan asks, because this right here is just baffling.
“You’re…Luhan, try to remember,” Minseok pleads, and god, Luhan never thought he’d think it, but he hates the sound of it.
“Minseok, why are you being so-“
“Listen to me, Luhan. You don’t live with your parents anymore. You left them a long time ago. We went to college for a while, remember college? We were together. No one cared.” Minseok is looking so intensely into Luhan’s eyes that Luhan can’t even bring himself to doubt him-but he doesn’t remember any of this. Luhan struggles to find some thread of memory, anything that resembles what Minseok’s claiming, but there’s nothing there, just his heart pounding in his ears. “We got a job offer before graduation. Government work. You don’t remember? Try, Luhan. Just try, okay?”
Luhan closes his eyes, tries to block out the jarring quaver of Minseok’s voice and focus on breathing. He can feel panic worming its way into his chest, pressing down like a fist on his lungs and numbing first his arms and then his legs. He needs to breathe, he needs air in his lungs and, oh god, his brain is telling him they’re empty, so empty but he knows they’re not and he has to, has to just-
“I’m here,” Minseok says, and Luhan comes back slowly, like he’s swimming up from the bottom of a lake, trying to reach the surface. He’s distantly aware of the rise and fall of a chest pressed against his back, the rhythmic beat of a heart. “I’m here, and I’m not letting go, Luhan.”
Minseok is breathing for him, with him; the panic slowly, gradually ebbs, easing out of his muscles and his mind until it’s all just drained away. And then it’s just him, standing there with Minseok a solid weight at his back, hands holding his like anchors.
“What’s happening to me?” Luhan asks, turning to Minseok, and-how strange. It wasn’t just the light playing tricks on his eyes before. Minseok’s face is contoured by tiny little lines that have left impressions everywhere, like infinitesimal road maps marking his skin. His cheekbones and jawline are more defined; how is it possible that Luhan blinked and all that baby fat is gone?
“You really don’t remember.” It’s not a question. No, it sounds far too resigned for it to be considered one. Just like that, Luhan realizes what that earlier emotion he’d seen had been: disappointment. And here it is again. Minseok heaves a sigh so loud it sounds like the howl of the wind rattling around the eaves of a house.
“How old are you?” Luhan asks on impulse.
Minseok smiles, but it’s a hollow, withered thing. “The same age as you.”
“And we’re…16?”
“No,” Minseok says. “No, we’re not 16 anymore. You’ll be 26 in a month.”
Luhan abruptly sits back on the bed. “Oh.” How impossible. And yet…the lines on Minseok’s face tell the truth of it. College, a job, and if Minseok meant when Luhan thinks he meant, they were together, and Luhan’s father never again interfered. It sounds like an entire lifetime, and Luhan can’t remember any of it.
But Luhan thinks of Minseok’s disappointment, the crestfallen tone and downcast eyes, and realizes that, perhaps, he doesn’t always not remember.
“I’m not usually like this, am I,” Luhan says plainly.
“You…you come and go,” Minseok answers feebly. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help you.”
“What happened?” Luhan’s voice trembles. “Why am I like this?”
Minseok shakes his head. “Not today. I think…I think it’ll be too much today. Do you trust me when I ask you to leave it alone for now?”
“Yes,” Luhan finds himself responding immediately. “I trust you.” But I wish I knew. I wish I understood why I come and go. I wish I could remember my life. I wish I could remember you.
“I told him not to.”
“Luhan’s a stubborn son of a bitch. And honestly, I don’t think he could’ve lived with himself if he didn’t try. No one’s blaming you, Minseok.”
“Yeah, well, I do. I blame me. God. Do you think he’ll ever…?”
“I…I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I don’t know how the mind works.”
“Doesn’t matter. If he never…it doesn’t matter. He didn’t leave me. I won’t leave him.”
Minseok is hesitant to even knock on the door. Luhan's been hidden away in his room all morning, and with lunchtime upon them, Minseok's feeling a little desperate to get Luhan to eat something. But the thought of meeting eyes that don't recognize him, being asked questions when the answers should already be known, having to rehash the same things once again...Minseok is so tired of it all. He'll keep doing it-nothing could stop him from doing whatever it takes for Luhan. But he is so very tired of it.
Minseok raises his fist and knocks on the door. "Luhan?” he calls out softly. "Are you hungry?"
The door swings open. Luhan's face is bright, content, clear. "Starving," he answers. "But can we go out to eat? I think we've both been stuck in this house for far too long."
Minseok hesitates. Luhan’s never asked to leave the house before.
“You’ve been taking care of me for so long,” Luhan says, and the look in his eyes is all too understanding, making the breath catch in Minseok’s throat. “You deserve a break.”
Something in Minseok wants to soar through the clouds, but he's hesitant to give it wings and let it take him away. "Luhan..."
Luhan takes Minseok's hands and draws him in. "I'm here, Minseok," Luhan says, eyes solemn, something in his tone sounding like he's asking for forgiveness. "I'm here."
Minseok's hands tighten around Luhan's. "You're really..."
"I'm not quite up to a hundred percent, I don't think," Luhan admits. "There's some...gaps. Holes. But...I'm here, Minseok. It's a good day."
Minseok offers up a watery smile. "It's a good day," he repeats. And he can tell, doesn't need to question this, get the full report of what Luhan knows and doesn't know. Luhan knows enough. Luhan is here. He swipes at his eyes. "Where do you want to go to lunch?"
Instead of just grabbing lunch, they decide to take a day trip to the beach. Luhan is adamant about getting Minseok out of the house, clearly feeling guilty about how long Minseok has stuck by him for all this time. Minseok is only too happy to give in and agree with their need to have a little vacation for themselves. Junmyeon looks a little disapproving, but he doesn't say anything. Everyone else seems to happily agree with the trip, excited to see Luhan doing so well-and to see Minseok glowing because of it.
They pack up the car, and then they head for the coast.
Luhan chatters endlessly while he drives, and it feels to Minseok like he's letting out a month's worth of conversation that has been trapped inside him while he's been trapped in his own mind. Minseok doesn't contribute much to the conversation, content to listen to Luhan's voice, so beautifully soothing here and now in this moment with Luhan as himself and not just a fragment.
Neither of them want to go in the water-the March air is still too chilly to enjoy a swim in the ocean-but they walk along the beach and the boardwalk, eating street food, picking up seashells that glimmer in the sunlight, enjoying the freedom and the pleasure of walking hand-in-hand outside the wards. Luhan wheedles Minseok into sitting for a caricature portrait; Minseok grumbles afterward about the absurdity of the cheeks illustrated on his likeness, but Luhan declares that they are entirely accurate, and the portrait deserves to be prominently displayed at home. They bicker about what that means (“No, Luhan, we’re not hanging it next to the front door”) and Luhan eventually declares that he’ll hang it above his desk (“Since you’re being so difficult”).
Luhan buys them matching puka shell necklaces, and as he clasps Minseok’s around his neck, he smiles and asks, “Are you enjoying your birthday?”
Minseok blinks. “What? It’s-oh. Oh. I-“ He cuts himself off with helpless laughter, hand to his forehead in humiliation. “I completely forgot.”
Luhan lightly raps his knuckles against Minseok’s head. “Well, good thing one of us has got a good memory.”
And then they’re both laughing, Minseok leaning forward to let himself be enveloped in Luhan’s arms. He feels Luhan’s lips brush his temple. “Happy Birthday, Minseok,” Luhan whispers.
Minseok pulls back, grinning. “As the birthday boy, I require some birthday cake. Let’s go hunt some down, there’s gotta be someplace along here that’s got something-“
Minseok takes two steps down the boardwalk before lightning crackles through the sky, followed by the rumble of thunder and a sudden downpour that leaves them both drenched within moments.
Luhan grabs Minseok’s hand and runs, feet pounding down the boardwalk until they’re back at the car. They fling themselves inside, gasping for breath and shivering. Luhan tosses the probably ruined caricature canvas into the backseat, then reaches out to try and tug Minseok’s coat off. It takes a moment for Minseok to realize what he’s doing and help him, and soon they’ve both thrown their sodden coats into the backseat. They stare at each other for several silent, bewildered moments-and then break into laughter.
“Well-well-shit,” Luhan wheezes. “Now what?”
Minseok snorts and looks out the window. The rain is an unrelenting sheet keeping him from being able to see very far-and the too-advanced-this-early-in-the-evening darkness doesn’t help. “Wait it out? It came on pretty suddenly, maybe it’ll stop the same way.”
An hour later, they carefully navigate their way to a hotel and check in for the night.
"Minseok," Luhan whines, "my socks are still wet."
Minseok walks out of the bathroom, toweling his hair dry. "Then dry them."
Luhan blinks at his feet, stretched in front of him on the floor. "Don’t want to move. Oh well."
Minseok rolls his eyes and tosses the towel on a chair. They'd each taken a shower, the one not showering using the hairdryer to dry the other's clothes for him. They hadn't planned an overnight stay and had nothing else to wear, and staying in rain-soaked clothes all night was not an appealing option.
"I can't believe how quickly that storm came on," Minseok says. "Almost out of nowhere-if I didn’t know any better, I’d think Jongdae was messing with us. That was brutal.”
"Yeah, I was a little afraid we'd get swept away into the ocean before we could reach the car," Luhan says.
"You're so ridiculous though," Minseok laughs. "Reaching out for my hand and dragging me along like some knight come to rescue me. That really wasn't necessary, Luhan."
Luhan smiles a bit shyly, looking down at the floor. "I wanted to make sure you didn't get left behind. I'll never leave you behind."
Minseok's throat feels very tight. He tries to swallow and almost chokes on it. "You really do remember, don't you."
“Yes.” When Luhan looks up from the floor and locks eyes with Minseok again, there's something shattering in his gaze. "I left you behind once. I'll never do it again, Minseok. Not ever."
Minseok tries to walk forward, wants to reach for Luhan's hand as it sits clenched on his leg, but he can't move. "Luhan. It wasn't your fault. You didn't leave me behind, no one did. I got trapped because of my own stupidity." Minseok sinks down onto the floor next to Luhan, feeling broken. "It was my stupidity that caused all of this. You shouldn't have come back for me, Luhan, it's my fault that you-you shouldn't have risked yourself for me, I see you-see you hurt and I know that it's my fault when you're hurting, I did this to you-“
"Minseok, calm down." Luhan reaches for Minseok's hands, grips them tight. "Please, calm down. It is not your fault. I knew what might happen and I took the risk, and I will always take the risk for you. Don't ask me not to because I can't do that, Minseok. I can't just leave you when I have the choice to save you. I will always choose you."
Minseok blinks back a vague feeling of tears. He will not cry. Not again. "You're an idiot."
"Yeah," Luhan says. "One of us has to be."
Minseok stutters out a laugh. "Guess it makes sense that it'd be you."
A smile flashes across Luhan's face, but it's quickly replaced with concern. "And you...you're all right? You didn't-you’re not like me, right? Or, or you didn't lose your magic, it's not-“
"No," Minseok interrupts quickly, "no, nothing happened to me or my magic, my wards held. You got to me in time." Minseok tries for a smile. "I can still make it snow."
Luhan sighs wistfully. “I’ve never seen snow before.”
Oh. Minseok swallows thickly. It’s not the first time Luhan has said that. Luhan had grown up very far south, by the sea, where snow never fell; the first time he’d said that to Minseok, he’d paired it with a grin and added, “But you can change that for me.” And Minseok had.
He can’t remember it now, but, Minseok thinks fiercely, he’d be willing to show Luhan his first snowfall every day for the rest of his life, if it came to that.
On impulse, Minseok leans in and softly presses his lips to Luhan’s. When he pulls back from the kiss, Luhan is smiling at him-but his expression quickly changes, eyes wide with awe as he looks up at the snowflakes gently falling from the ceiling. “Minseok-“
Minseok smiles at Luhan’s loss for words. “Now you have.”
Luhan smiles back, placing a hand on Minseok's knee. "Thank you, Minseok," he says with simple sincerity. And then he brushes his lips against Minseok's again, almost experimentally, but it soon gives way to something more, something with hunger and need and questions without answers. Minseok doesn't know if this is okay-what does Luhan really remember right now? Does he truly remember everything they were to each other, everything they are? How can he though, when he can't remember their first shared snowfall. Perhaps Minseok should stop this, do the gentlemanly thing and suggest they get some sleep. But oh, it's been so long since Luhan has touched him like this. Luhan's fingers trail down Minseok's cheek, and Minseok stops questioning. Maybe Luhan doesn't remember everything, but he remembers enough to skate his fingernails down the side of Minseok's neck and rub slow circles on the small of Minseok's back. If Luhan wants this, what really would be the point in Minseok telling him no?
"Most people would heat up after a kiss like that," Luhan murmurs. "You just run colder."
"What?" Minseok asks dumbly.
"Look what you're doing," Luhan says, a hint of laughter in the throb of his voice.
And that's when Minseok realizes. He blinks at the solid blanket of snow around them, white and glittering, covering every surface of the room. Who knew that by leaving the wards, Minseok would be the one of them wreaking havoc? He realizes something else though, and reaches out to circle a hand around Luhan's wrist. "Are you cold?" he asks.
"No," Luhan says. He sounds surprised. "I mean, I was starting to feel it a bit, but-you did something, didn't you?"
Minseok shrugs, a tiny grin on his face. "It's too pretty to stop, don't you think?" he asks. "I didn't want to get rid of it, but I figured we'd both appreciate being able to keep feeling in all our, ah, extremities."
"Good thinking," Luhan says with a grin, and then pushes Minseok back on the floor and climbs over him. Luhan drags his lips over Minseok's slowly, luxuriating in it, and Minseok promptly feels like he just downed a bottle of rich red wine that's gone to his head. He lets his hands drift down to Luhan's hips, resting on the waistband of his jeans, trying to ignore the urge to pull Luhan's hips down to his. He'll let Luhan set the pace, decide where they go and when.
Luhan's hand ventures under Minseok's shirt and pushes it up, exposing Minseok's chest. He dips his head, pressing his tongue to Minseok's nipple, lavishing first one with kisses and then the other. He travels down to Minseok's navel, a trail of kisses marking his path, and Minseok is scared to move, scared to even breathe, afraid something will shatter this moment and Luhan will stop. Oh, please don't let Luhan stop.
But Luhan's already peeling Minseok's jeans down, exposing more and more skin. Minseok clenches his fists so tight he can feel his fingernails prick himself. Luhan licks his lips, meets Minseok's eyes for a brief second, and takes Minseok's cock into his mouth.
Tight, wet heat, not enough friction yet far too much, fighting to hold still while feeling like every molecule of his being is flying off in different directions. Minseok loses track of how long it goes on for, but eventually he feels Luhan's chin come to rest on his abdomen. Minseok opens his eyes to see a small, satisfied smile on Luhan's face, snowflakes glittering in his hair, lips red and swollen and oh god he needs to be kissing them again, needs his lips and hands all over this beautiful man he's loved and almost lost. Minseok pulls Luhan up, desperately touching every bit of him he can, rolling Luhan over into the snow so he can move over his body and press against him everywhere, mouth latching on to tender skin for brief intervals before craving the taste of Luhan's mouth again. Luhan's hands clutch at Minseok and he's shivering with sensation, making small noises in the back of his throat that encourage Minseok on: Don't show any mercy, just keep touching me.
"Wait," Luhan says, pulling back, surging forward for one more quick kiss, dragging his lips to the shell of Minseok's ear. "Bed." Minseok shivers at how utterly undone Luhan sounds.
"Bed," Minseok agrees. He rolls off Luhan and jumps to his feet, reaching a hand out to help Luhan up. Minseok leads them across the room, aware of how the snow's dancing around the room, miniature windstorms kicking up flurries and making the whole room look like it's glittering with stars.
"It's so beautiful," Luhan murmurs, watching the snow fall.
"For you," Minseok says. "Any time you want. If you wanted the world covered in snow, I'd do it for you."
Luhan's eyes are shining. "I know you would." He sits on the bed, stirring up snowflakes, and pulls Minseok down with him, over him. Luhan places his hands on Minseok's cheeks, blinking up at him, trying to dull down that shine. "Don't know what I've done to deserve it. Don't know what I can do for you."
"Just be you," Minseok says. "Just be here. With me."
"Yes," Luhan says. "Of course. Always."
And Minseok kisses him again, can't really take much more of these charged emotions, just needs to focus on one thing, one outlet, one way to show his feelings, one way to get closer to Luhan than he's managed to be in weeks.
The kiss is slower this time, sweeter and less urgent, and Minseok craves so much, but Luhan opens for him easily and Minseok kisses him until he's sure Luhan's got the taste memorized. Maybe this time he won't forget. Maybe Luhan will wake up with that taste on his lips every morning forever.
Minseok feels like crying. He knows he's being gentle with Luhan, more gentle than Luhan likes, but he can't help it, can't help touching Luhan like he's going to fall apart and unravel in his hands if he isn't careful. And in a sense, Minseok supposes, that is exactly what always happens. "Luhan." He knows how he sounds; he knows that Luhan knows too. "Luhan."
Luhan stills under him, going completely motionless for a moment before relaxing, bringing his arms up around Minseok's waist. "Yeah?"
Minseok can't help the smile he gives Luhan any more than he can help the fact the Luhan sometimes wakes up and can't even remember his own name. It feels wrong and twisted; broken, even. But Luhan doesn't look away. Instead he reaches out and drags the knuckles of his right hand along Minseok's cheekbone.
"Do you know?" Minseok asks desperately.
"I know," Luhan says. His eyes are fixed on Minseok as though he's about to lose his sight and he wants Minseok to be the last thing he sees. "I'll always know, even when I don't."
Minseok brushes snowflakes from Luhan's hair and kisses him with frustration, yearning, love, tenderness, all the very best moments of his life, and all the very worst. They start tugging at each other's clothes, dry despite the snow, but when they toss them carelessly into snowdrifts, Minseok's sure they'll wind up soaked again. What does it matter, though? Clothes don't matter right now. Just every square inch of Luhan's skin, smooth in some places, rough in others, marked up quite a bit but still flawless. Minseok wonders what this scene would look like to someone else; like art, he feels, two naked bodies, speckles of glittering snow clinging to their skin, shining like diamonds in their hair. What he wouldn't give right now to sculpt it, put it in a museum, stand on the outskirts of groups of tourists and hear what they'd have to say about Luhan. But, he concedes, running his hands over Luhan's ribs, this is much better, having the sight all to himself.
"Not used to you looking at me like that," Luhan says.
"Like what?"
"I don't know," Luhan says. "But you're kind of giving me the impression you're going to wash my feet any moment."
"Do you want me to? I would. I'll worship you, if you want. Every inch of you."
"Yes," Luhan breathes out as Minseok's hand wraps around his cock. "Hands and tongue will do much better than a wet rag, though."
"You're shameless," Minseok laughs.
"Hey, you asked," Luhan playfully defends himself. "Was I supposed to lie? You'd know."
"You could have deigned to be more humble about it," Minseok teases back. "Maybe say 'I just want you.'"
"I do want you," Luhan murmurs. "I always want you."
Luhan's head tilts back and Minseok mouths hungrily along his neck, sucking and nipping at the smooth skin. Luhan clings to Minseok, fingers digging into the warm skin of his back as he arches up against Minseok, craving his touch everywhere. Minseok runs his fingers over Luhan's body, following invisible lines across his skin, charting a map of all Luhan's favorite spots. "God, Minseok, please," Luhan whimpers, hips rolling up against Minseok's.
Minseok takes him apart slowly, inch by tortuous inch. It's a slow burn, Minseok's fingers opening Luhan up with deliberate, slender fingers, one at a time until Luhan feels full enough to burst; but there's still more to come, and Minseok hesitates, knowing it's been a long time.
"Stop treating me like porcelain," Luhan hisses.
Minseok stops hesitating. He plunges into Luhan with one single hard push, shoving Luhan's body further up the bed, kicking up clouds of snow as Luhan keens loudly. Minseok stills, waits, watches Luhan's hands grasp at the bed sheets and scramble for a handhold on blankets slick with frost. Luhan's back arches and he writhes against Minseok, and Minseok feels all the air forced from his lungs. "Please, Minseok," Luhan begs again in a whisper.
Minseok takes his time with this too, setting into a rhythm hard and slow and perfect. Every thrust of Minseok's hips sends shocks of pleasure through their veins, draws needy, desperate moans and whimpers from Luhan's throat until Minseok's sure the whole hotel can hear him, and so he cuts Luhan off with his mouth.
The kiss is filthy, intense, insatiable, and Minseok gets blissfully lost in it, in the wet slide of their tongues, the press of Luhan's teeth into the sensitive skin of his bottom lip, the hot breath they share with the gasps they can't hold in. Luhan cries out sharply and clutches at Minseok's arm, head falling back. Minseok kisses along the slender column of Luhan’s neck, moving with purpose to keep Luhan’s throat vibrating with those sounds. He presses his lips below Luhan's ear, feels the fluttering pulse and sucks on it.
There's no semblance of rhythm anymore, Minseok's hips moving of their own accord, stuttering into Luhan again and again until he's coming, vision nearly going blind with the ecstasy of it, blood singing like lightning beneath his skin.
Luhan's got something of a triumphant smirk on his face, and Minseok absolutely cannot let that stand. He drags Luhan up and turns him around, putting pressure on Luhan's back until he bends over on his hands and knees, and Minseok quickly sinks into him again. Luhan's throaty moan puts a rather triumphant smirk on Minseok's face.
Minseok works him over hard and fast, Luhan shuddering and crying out as Minseok mercilessly takes his cock in hand while fucking him from behind. It seems like almost no time at all before Luhan comes completely undone.
It seems to go on forever, pulse after pulse of Luhan's orgasm hitting the sheets. Luhan eventually stops crying out, lets out a sigh of relief, and Minseok pulls him down to the mattress with him. Luhan hums his contentment into Minseok's sweaty hairline, hands running up and down Minseok's back, letting his nails catch here and there. "You're mine," Luhan says, drowsily but with a certain firmness and finality to it.
Minseok feels something constrict in his chest at the words and takes a deep breath. "Yours," he agrees. "Definitely, irrevocably, absolutely yours."
Pairing: Luhan/Xiumin
Rating: NC-17
Word Count: 7800w
Summary: Luhan is a kaleidoscope, reflecting different fragments of himself every day; Minseok will behold them all, and love them.
Minseok switches the bags of takeout to one hand and fishes out his keys with the other. Sehun immediately falls on him when he gets the door open-“Finally, I was passing out, I hope you got extra spring rolls”-and whisks off to the kitchen with the food.
“Don’t touch the cashew chicken,” Minseok calls out after him. Sehun gives no sign that he heard, and Minseok sighs as he pulls off his coat.
“Hey.” Junmyeon walks up, hands in his pockets, trying to seem nonchalant and not really succeeding. “Dinner?”
“Yeah, sorry it took me a while,” Minseok says. “Did Luhan seem hungry?”
“He wandered down a few minutes after you left,” Junmyeon says, “but he didn’t say anything before heading back up. He seemed a little…disoriented.”
Minseok sighs again. “All right. I’m going to bring his food up then.” He could ask Luhan to come down and join them, but he’s already certain he knows what the reaction will be.
“Minseok…” Junmyeon flinches at the glare Minseok pins him with. “Okay, I know you don’t want to hear it again. But I wish you’d think this through. Do you really think this is best for him? For you?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Minseok says, brushing past Junmyeon to go save whatever’s left of the cashew chicken. “He would never give up on me. I’m not giving up on him.”
“Command’s sending a pick-up team, we’ve got to get into position.”
“We can’t leave yet, we can’t leave anyone behind!”
“If we don’t go now, none of us make it out. I’m drained, and I know you are too. If the wards break, you’re not strong enough to protect yourself. You’re gonna wind up hurt-maybe dead.”
“Well then, guess you’d better stop wasting my time and let me go find him before it comes to that.”
It’s like déjà vu. This house and the people in it-it all seems like it should be terribly familiar, but none of it is. Luhan paces around the room he woke up in trying to conjure some other memory of these floors, the four walls, the bed with the tangled sheets he’d flung off himself in a mild panic. Nothing comes to mind. It’s not just this room either: the whole house is strange to him, giving off that feeling that he knows this place but not inspiring any memories to validate it. It had been the faces of strangers that finally drove him back to the room.
He might’ve left the house altogether, if he could remember a single thing about himself other than his name.
Someone knocks on his door. Luhan stares stupidly at it for a moment before calling out, “Who is it?” What a pointless question. He can’t think of a single person on this earth that he knows.
“It’s Minseok,” comes the reply, and before Luhan can decide if this is a person he should let in or leave out, he adds, “I brought dinner,” and Luhan’s stomach grumbles in response, making the decision for him.
Luhan opens the door and steps aside, giving the shorter, dark-haired man a wide berth when he walks past. “You haven’t eaten since last night, you must be starving,” Minseok says. He heads straight for the desk in the corner of the room, setting down cartons of takeout. Napkins and chopsticks are laid out, and he sticks a spoon into a container of hot soup. Minseok steps back and gestures Luhan to the desk chair. “Go ahead, start eating.”
Luhan doesn’t need to be told twice. He almost trips over his feet in his hurry towards the desk, and immediately starts shoveling food into his mouth. He sees the tiny grin on Minseok’s face before he moves away.
Only after every hunk of chicken has been consumed and the last noodle has been slurped up does Luhan realize he took his eyes off Minseok when he probably shouldn’t have. He swivels in the chair and finds Minseok sitting cross-legged on the bed-after, apparently, having neatly smoothed the sheets and bedspread back over the mattress. “Better?” Minseok asks.
Luhan nods.
“Good,” Minseok says. His smile melts away and concern fills his eyes. “What do you remember?”
I’m a human being. My name is Luhan. I was hungry and now I’m not. So, basically, nothing. But it seems too terrifying to admit to out loud, especially to someone he doesn’t recognize. “What-what should I remember?” he asks hesitantly.
Minseok’s head tilts as he continues looking at Luhan with a strange softness. “Whatever you can. It’s all right if you can’t, though. Maybe you can’t today. But you will.”
“Do I know you?” Luhan blurts out.
A flash of a smile. “Do you?”
Luhan licks his lips nervously. “I think I do. I-I don’t know why, but-“ I don’t feel scared about being alone in this room with you, I didn’t hesitate to eat the food you gave me when for all I know I’m dying of poison now, and the urge to go sit next to you is so strong it’s making my hands shake.
“You do know me,” Minseok says. “Maybe not right now, but you did. And you will again. I’ll help you remember everything.”
A cold trickle of dread runs down Luhan’s spine. “Everything?”
Minseok looks very understanding. “Yes, there’s a lot. But it’s nothing to worry about today. Just rest today. I’ll come back tomorrow.” And he stands up, moving towards the door.
“But-“ I don’t think I want to be alone right now.
“Yes?”
Luhan swallows. “Nothing. See you tomorrow.”
There are good days and bad days. Sometimes Minseok will wake Luhan up for breakfast and Luhan will grumble at him fondly before joining everyone in the kitchen, arguing with Yixing about which Toy Story installment was the best and laughing at Baekhyun’s inside jokes; familiar, at ease. And then sometimes, reality seems to elude Luhan entirely. Mostly he’s somewhere in the middle, remembering enough to be Good Old Luhan-but not enough to remember why sometimes he’s not.
Junmyeon had at first gently suggested a hospital, but it had become clear pretty quickly that it wasn’t really a feasible situation. Sometimes Luhan lost control, and Minseok had been adamant about keeping Luhan somewhere that could be safely warded. Somewhere he could stay with Luhan and monitor the wards. Minseok couldn’t risk Luhan hurting himself, and he knew Luhan would be devastated if he accidentally hurt someone else. And so Minseok had shelled out a sizeable sum for this secluded house in the mountains. It was almost a relief to clean out that particular bank account; after all, it was only, Minseok thought bitterly, blood money.
Minseok had felt a mixture of surprise, relief, and resignation when the others had moved into the house with him and Luhan. They helped him ward Luhan’s room, and shortly thereafter the whole rest of the house after a rather lively incident in the kitchen with the microwave and a boiling pot of ramen. Minseok was quick to tell them that none of them were under any obligation to stay; the wards were somewhat of an inconvenience since they affected all of them, and Minseok knew how Sehun was most comfortable with a constant light breeze around him, and Chanyeol enjoyed being able to cook without a stovetop, and Jongin liked to be able to teleport right into his own bed after a long night. But they’d all given him looks that varied between amusement, exasperation, and resolve, and without further discussion, Junmyeon had started drafting up a schedule of chores to be shared around the house.
Minseok feels increasingly thankful that they stayed. It has been twelve weeks since they moved into this house.
And it has been three weeks since Luhan’s last good day.
“Luhan, what are you doing? We’re supposed to be rendezvousing for pick-up, you can’t go back in there!”
“Minseok’s still in there.”
“Shit, I didn’t know anyone was still inside. But I’m sorry, I can’t let you back in. The team will be here any minute, and these wards-they aren’t stable, Luhan.”
“Just hold the team off for ten minutes, all right? And if I’m not back by then…then leave us, because we’re not making it out anyway.”
It’s an unseasonably warm day. Minseok woke up to blue skies, fluffy white clouds, and Kris’s grin as he challenged Minseok to a game of basketball. Minseok had finished filling up his coffee mug and made a withering remark about Kris’s comfort zone with sports that had a height advantage, and Jongin had promptly laughed and pointed out that Kris had chosen the wrong game: of course a soccer match was the one thing Minseok would never back down from, everybody knows that.
Everyone else had been quick to chime in their eagerness to play, with Junmyeon volunteering to be referee. Minseok’s attempts to opt out were half-hearted and short-lived, and he found himself happily being pulled along to the backyard. After all, Luhan was still fast asleep, and it really was too beautiful a day to waste inside.
They don’t keep track of the time, just heartily agreeing to call it quits when most of them are tired and aching and covered in grass stains; and anyway, Minseok had just scored his 11th goal on Kyungsoo, so there hardly seemed to be any point in dragging it out. They trek back to the house, Jongin and Sehun teasing Yixing for the spectacular dive he’d taken after tripping over his own loose shoelace while Baekhyun and Jongdae, arms draped companionably across each other’s shoulders, complain loudly about each other’s stench. Minseok follows behind them all, grinning at his unconventional family.
Baekhyun’s already handing out water bottles when Minseok joins everyone in the kitchen, having paused to close and lock the back door. He gratefully accepts one and starts drinking deeply-
And almost chokes from surprise at the loud crash that suddenly sounds from upstairs.
Minseok immediately drops the water bottle and tears out of the kitchen, but behind him he hears Kris say, “Shit-where’s Tao?”
He knows where Tao is though. They all do.
Minseok bursts through the door of Luhan’s bedroom and stumbles to a halt to keep himself from tripping over what appears to be a loose drawer from Luhan’s dresser-which is also on the floor. Tao’s all right, thank god; he’s plastered up against the wall and looking terrified, but Minseok doesn’t see any injuries. Clothes and the various knick-knacks that had been on top of the dresser are scattered on the floor, including a heavy glass lamp, which has shattered. At least he’s identified the source of the crash. Now Minseok just needs to understand the why.
Luhan’s breathing heavily, eyes wild, fists clenching and unclenching. “What have you done to me?” he asks, voice a low hiss.
Minseok swallows. “Why did you try to throw a dresser at Tao?”
“Didn’t want to throw it, not with my hands, with my-I was trying to-I can’t touch my magic, I feel it there, it can’t be gone, but I can’t-what have you done to me?”
“It’s still there,” Minseok says placatingly, holding up his hands. “Nothing is wrong with your magic.”
“He did something to me,” Luhan says tremulously, pointing a finger at Tao. “I remember him threatening me, I remember-I remember-“
“What?” Tao bursts incredulously. “I never-“
“You were the one that warned him,” Minseok says in an undertone. “He doesn’t remember the rest of it, he doesn’t understand. You should get out, Tao. Go downstairs with the others.”
Tao shoots a glance at Luhan and nods reluctantly, inching towards the door.
“No!” Luhan shouts, a hand reaching out towards Tao-and his face falls as his arm starts shaking with futile effort. He looks like he wants to cry but is too furious to do so. “You’re not leaving,” he hisses, “not until you tell me what the fuck you did to me.”
“Tao, go,” Minseok snaps, and this time Tao is quick to obey. Minseok reaches out to catch Luhan as he tries to shoulder past him to follow Tao out the door. “No, Luhan, listen to me. Tao didn’t do anything to you. There is nothing wrong with your magic. The house is warded. None of us can touch the magic in here.”
"He did something to me," Luhan seethes, "I heard him say he would take away my magic, he threatened me, gave me an ultimatum-“
"No, Luhan, he didn't," Minseok interrupts, trying to sound calm. "It’s not what you think, I promise. You didn't lose your magic, we've just warded the house, all right?" Minseok walks to the window and brushes aside one of the curtains. Nailed to the wall is a small wooden plaque, inscribed with several runes. Luhan blinks and steps closer, inspecting the ward. “Look. You’re fine. Your magic is fine. This house has protective wards all over it, so don’t worry, you're not the only one who can't touch your magic. We're all blocked off from it."
Luhan’s stare flicks between Minseok and the ward. "Why? Why would you do that?"
Minseok hesitates. "You didn't lose your magic, but something...something did happen. An accident. What do you remember?"
Luhan frowns. “We were on an assignment. That hot spot, right? There was too much activity, too much power being drawn, we could all feel it even from the city. Command sent us to investigate it.”
“Right,” Minseok confirms. “Command dispatched all twelve of us.” His fists clench. “Without any proper protections or reconnaissance.”
Luhan’s frown deepens, and his anger shifts to something more troubled. “What happened? All I can remember is Tao telling me if I didn't listen to him, I would get hurt." He rubs at his temple, the rage briefly flaring in his eyes again. "And now I am."
"Tao was trying to warn you to protect you," Minseok explains. "We were warded while in the field too, a different kind of warding. Less stable. We all knew it was risky.” Minseok sighs, lingering anger and frustration in the sound. “Too risky, we never should have done it. Anyway, Tao was afraid you were going to stay in the hot spot too long, use too much of your magic, and your wards would give out and you would be in trouble."
Knowledge flashes in Luhan’s eyes, but he asks anyway. "And did my wards give out?"
Minseok can't lie to Luhan. He wishes he could hide the truth-in fact, he isn't sure it's even safe to say it, not when Luhan is clearly not in a very right mind-but he can't lie. "Yes."
Luhan looks rather taken back by the confession. "And what-what happened?"
Minseok looks at Luhan sadly. "Why can't you remember it yourself?"
Luhan looks back at the ward nailed to the wall, looks around the room at the debris he'd tossed about. "Oh." He looks like a lost little boy. "That's why you warded the room. I'm...I'm a danger to you, aren't I?"
"You're not a danger," Minseok says harshly.
"I could be though," Luhan notes. "My magic...people were afraid of it even when I could control it. When I could control myself."
"I only did it to keep you safe," Minseok says. "You would never hurt anyone on purpose, Luhan, you know that. I was more afraid you'd hurt yourself."
"Are you-are you staying in this house too?" Luhan asks. "Is...everyone?"
"Yes."
"You shouldn't have to be suffering from this too," Luhan says, sounding grieved. "You shouldn't be staying behind the wards with me, none of you should. There's no reason for it. No reason to cut yourself off from the magic too."
"There is reason for it," Minseok says.
Luhan meets Minseok's eyes, and seems to understand what he's saying. His gaze softens. "I'm not a good reason for you to suffer."
Minseok shrugs, smile wry as he asks, "If you're not, then what is?"
Luhan looks away, shaking his head-but there’s a tiny smile on his face too. His eyes roam over the mess on his bedroom floor. “Um-could you help me right the dresser?”
Together, they put Luhan’s room back in order. The lamp is a lost cause that they carefully pick up the shards of and throw away, but everything else survived Luhan’s wrath. Once everything is back in its place, Luhan flops onto his bed and lets out a jaw-cracking yawn.
“Are you hungry?” Minseok asks. Sometimes, it seems like Luhan even manages to forget about food when Minseok doesn’t remind him.
“Nah,” Luhan says, lazily waving Minseok off, “just let me sleep.”
“Okay,” Minseok says. “But come down and eat if you get hungry later, all right?”
“Out, McFussy,” Luhan grumps.
“Yeah, yeah, all right,” Minseok huffs laughingly.
“Minseok?”
Minseok pauses with his hand on Luhan’s bedroom door. Luhan’s sitting up, eyes as troubled as his voice. “Yeah?”
“Can you-would you please tell Tao that, that I’m sorry?”
Minseok smiles softly, trying to look as comforting as he can manage. “Of course. I’m sure he knows already, but of course.”
“Thanks.” Luhan looks down, biting his lip. “Minseok?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m sorry.” He peers up again, hesitantly, dejectedly. “That one’s for you.”
“I don’t need it,” Minseok says. He hopes Luhan didn’t notice how his hand compulsively tightened around the doorknob. “Keep it. Save if for the next time you eat all the honey butter chips.”
“Minseok!”
“Luhan? What-no, get out of here!”
“Not without what’s mine.”
“It’s all so unstable, I can feel-can feel the wards breaking, can feel…I’m standing right in it, god, I’m so stupid, Kris could feel it, tried to warn me-“
“It’s okay, I’m going to get you out.”
“No, too strong, it’s too strong, don’t-no, Luhan!”
Luhan jumps up guiltily at the knock on his door. “Just a second,” he calls, stashing his 3DS under his pillow and hurrying over towards his desk. “Come in,” he calls, hastily pulling a book towards him-why is his desk so bare, where did he dump all his textbooks?
But it isn’t his father coming in to check on his homework.
“Minseok,” he says in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
“Just came to say hi,” Minseok says. “How are you?”
“I’m fine,” Luhan says, rising from his desk chair, “but how did you even find me? I didn’t even know we were going on vacation, I didn’t think I told you-and, and anyway, you can’t be here-“
“Calm down, Luhan,” Minseok says soothingly, but something peculiar flashes in his expression. “Of course you told me. That’s why I’m here, right?”
“You know you can’t be here though,” Luhan says, feeling increasingly more hysterical. Why is Minseok acting like this is okay? His father could come to check on him at any moment-Minseok can’t be here. “Please, Minseok, I’m sorry, you know I am, but you have to go.”
“Why do I have to go?”
Luhan gapes at Minseok. Is this some inside joke he can’t figure out? Does Minseok really think he’s being funny about this? “Why are you being so stupid?”
Minseok takes a tentative step forward. “I’m just here to help you, Luhan.”
Luhan scrambles backward and falls onto his bed-maybe not the best place to wind up, but his legs are too weak for him to get back up again. “I know you want to help me, Minseok, but you can’t, you know you can’t. You really should go, please, if my father sees you-“
“Your father isn’t here,” Minseok interrupts sharply. “You escaped him, a long time ago. Don’t you remember?”
Escaped? Impossible. “I don’t know what this is, Minseok,” Luhan says tremulously, “but you really need to leave-“
“Please don’t ask me to go,” Minseok begs. “I promise you, your father isn’t here, he’s not going to do anything to you, to either of us, you’re safe. So please…let me stay with you for a while.”
Luhan must be hallucinating, right? Or stuck in a dream? There’s no way the things Minseok is saying can be real. And something else seems off about Minseok-his face isn’t quite right, and there’s something in his eyes Luhan’s never seen before. “No,” Luhan’s voice abruptly cracks out. “No, you can’t stay.”
“Luhan,” Minseok says, and he’s suddenly across the room and right in front of Luhan. “Stop it. I’m begging you, please just stop this.” His hands circle both of Luhan’s wrists, firm but gentle, and then he tugs lightly until Luhan gives in and lets himself be pulled up from the bed.
“What’s going on?” Luhan asks, because this right here is just baffling.
“You’re…Luhan, try to remember,” Minseok pleads, and god, Luhan never thought he’d think it, but he hates the sound of it.
“Minseok, why are you being so-“
“Listen to me, Luhan. You don’t live with your parents anymore. You left them a long time ago. We went to college for a while, remember college? We were together. No one cared.” Minseok is looking so intensely into Luhan’s eyes that Luhan can’t even bring himself to doubt him-but he doesn’t remember any of this. Luhan struggles to find some thread of memory, anything that resembles what Minseok’s claiming, but there’s nothing there, just his heart pounding in his ears. “We got a job offer before graduation. Government work. You don’t remember? Try, Luhan. Just try, okay?”
Luhan closes his eyes, tries to block out the jarring quaver of Minseok’s voice and focus on breathing. He can feel panic worming its way into his chest, pressing down like a fist on his lungs and numbing first his arms and then his legs. He needs to breathe, he needs air in his lungs and, oh god, his brain is telling him they’re empty, so empty but he knows they’re not and he has to, has to just-
“I’m here,” Minseok says, and Luhan comes back slowly, like he’s swimming up from the bottom of a lake, trying to reach the surface. He’s distantly aware of the rise and fall of a chest pressed against his back, the rhythmic beat of a heart. “I’m here, and I’m not letting go, Luhan.”
Minseok is breathing for him, with him; the panic slowly, gradually ebbs, easing out of his muscles and his mind until it’s all just drained away. And then it’s just him, standing there with Minseok a solid weight at his back, hands holding his like anchors.
“What’s happening to me?” Luhan asks, turning to Minseok, and-how strange. It wasn’t just the light playing tricks on his eyes before. Minseok’s face is contoured by tiny little lines that have left impressions everywhere, like infinitesimal road maps marking his skin. His cheekbones and jawline are more defined; how is it possible that Luhan blinked and all that baby fat is gone?
“You really don’t remember.” It’s not a question. No, it sounds far too resigned for it to be considered one. Just like that, Luhan realizes what that earlier emotion he’d seen had been: disappointment. And here it is again. Minseok heaves a sigh so loud it sounds like the howl of the wind rattling around the eaves of a house.
“How old are you?” Luhan asks on impulse.
Minseok smiles, but it’s a hollow, withered thing. “The same age as you.”
“And we’re…16?”
“No,” Minseok says. “No, we’re not 16 anymore. You’ll be 26 in a month.”
Luhan abruptly sits back on the bed. “Oh.” How impossible. And yet…the lines on Minseok’s face tell the truth of it. College, a job, and if Minseok meant when Luhan thinks he meant, they were together, and Luhan’s father never again interfered. It sounds like an entire lifetime, and Luhan can’t remember any of it.
But Luhan thinks of Minseok’s disappointment, the crestfallen tone and downcast eyes, and realizes that, perhaps, he doesn’t always not remember.
“I’m not usually like this, am I,” Luhan says plainly.
“You…you come and go,” Minseok answers feebly. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help you.”
“What happened?” Luhan’s voice trembles. “Why am I like this?”
Minseok shakes his head. “Not today. I think…I think it’ll be too much today. Do you trust me when I ask you to leave it alone for now?”
“Yes,” Luhan finds himself responding immediately. “I trust you.” But I wish I knew. I wish I understood why I come and go. I wish I could remember my life. I wish I could remember you.
“I told him not to.”
“Luhan’s a stubborn son of a bitch. And honestly, I don’t think he could’ve lived with himself if he didn’t try. No one’s blaming you, Minseok.”
“Yeah, well, I do. I blame me. God. Do you think he’ll ever…?”
“I…I don’t know. I’m not a doctor. I don’t know how the mind works.”
“Doesn’t matter. If he never…it doesn’t matter. He didn’t leave me. I won’t leave him.”
Minseok is hesitant to even knock on the door. Luhan's been hidden away in his room all morning, and with lunchtime upon them, Minseok's feeling a little desperate to get Luhan to eat something. But the thought of meeting eyes that don't recognize him, being asked questions when the answers should already be known, having to rehash the same things once again...Minseok is so tired of it all. He'll keep doing it-nothing could stop him from doing whatever it takes for Luhan. But he is so very tired of it.
Minseok raises his fist and knocks on the door. "Luhan?” he calls out softly. "Are you hungry?"
The door swings open. Luhan's face is bright, content, clear. "Starving," he answers. "But can we go out to eat? I think we've both been stuck in this house for far too long."
Minseok hesitates. Luhan’s never asked to leave the house before.
“You’ve been taking care of me for so long,” Luhan says, and the look in his eyes is all too understanding, making the breath catch in Minseok’s throat. “You deserve a break.”
Something in Minseok wants to soar through the clouds, but he's hesitant to give it wings and let it take him away. "Luhan..."
Luhan takes Minseok's hands and draws him in. "I'm here, Minseok," Luhan says, eyes solemn, something in his tone sounding like he's asking for forgiveness. "I'm here."
Minseok's hands tighten around Luhan's. "You're really..."
"I'm not quite up to a hundred percent, I don't think," Luhan admits. "There's some...gaps. Holes. But...I'm here, Minseok. It's a good day."
Minseok offers up a watery smile. "It's a good day," he repeats. And he can tell, doesn't need to question this, get the full report of what Luhan knows and doesn't know. Luhan knows enough. Luhan is here. He swipes at his eyes. "Where do you want to go to lunch?"
Instead of just grabbing lunch, they decide to take a day trip to the beach. Luhan is adamant about getting Minseok out of the house, clearly feeling guilty about how long Minseok has stuck by him for all this time. Minseok is only too happy to give in and agree with their need to have a little vacation for themselves. Junmyeon looks a little disapproving, but he doesn't say anything. Everyone else seems to happily agree with the trip, excited to see Luhan doing so well-and to see Minseok glowing because of it.
They pack up the car, and then they head for the coast.
Luhan chatters endlessly while he drives, and it feels to Minseok like he's letting out a month's worth of conversation that has been trapped inside him while he's been trapped in his own mind. Minseok doesn't contribute much to the conversation, content to listen to Luhan's voice, so beautifully soothing here and now in this moment with Luhan as himself and not just a fragment.
Neither of them want to go in the water-the March air is still too chilly to enjoy a swim in the ocean-but they walk along the beach and the boardwalk, eating street food, picking up seashells that glimmer in the sunlight, enjoying the freedom and the pleasure of walking hand-in-hand outside the wards. Luhan wheedles Minseok into sitting for a caricature portrait; Minseok grumbles afterward about the absurdity of the cheeks illustrated on his likeness, but Luhan declares that they are entirely accurate, and the portrait deserves to be prominently displayed at home. They bicker about what that means (“No, Luhan, we’re not hanging it next to the front door”) and Luhan eventually declares that he’ll hang it above his desk (“Since you’re being so difficult”).
Luhan buys them matching puka shell necklaces, and as he clasps Minseok’s around his neck, he smiles and asks, “Are you enjoying your birthday?”
Minseok blinks. “What? It’s-oh. Oh. I-“ He cuts himself off with helpless laughter, hand to his forehead in humiliation. “I completely forgot.”
Luhan lightly raps his knuckles against Minseok’s head. “Well, good thing one of us has got a good memory.”
And then they’re both laughing, Minseok leaning forward to let himself be enveloped in Luhan’s arms. He feels Luhan’s lips brush his temple. “Happy Birthday, Minseok,” Luhan whispers.
Minseok pulls back, grinning. “As the birthday boy, I require some birthday cake. Let’s go hunt some down, there’s gotta be someplace along here that’s got something-“
Minseok takes two steps down the boardwalk before lightning crackles through the sky, followed by the rumble of thunder and a sudden downpour that leaves them both drenched within moments.
Luhan grabs Minseok’s hand and runs, feet pounding down the boardwalk until they’re back at the car. They fling themselves inside, gasping for breath and shivering. Luhan tosses the probably ruined caricature canvas into the backseat, then reaches out to try and tug Minseok’s coat off. It takes a moment for Minseok to realize what he’s doing and help him, and soon they’ve both thrown their sodden coats into the backseat. They stare at each other for several silent, bewildered moments-and then break into laughter.
“Well-well-shit,” Luhan wheezes. “Now what?”
Minseok snorts and looks out the window. The rain is an unrelenting sheet keeping him from being able to see very far-and the too-advanced-this-early-in-the-evening darkness doesn’t help. “Wait it out? It came on pretty suddenly, maybe it’ll stop the same way.”
An hour later, they carefully navigate their way to a hotel and check in for the night.
"Minseok," Luhan whines, "my socks are still wet."
Minseok walks out of the bathroom, toweling his hair dry. "Then dry them."
Luhan blinks at his feet, stretched in front of him on the floor. "Don’t want to move. Oh well."
Minseok rolls his eyes and tosses the towel on a chair. They'd each taken a shower, the one not showering using the hairdryer to dry the other's clothes for him. They hadn't planned an overnight stay and had nothing else to wear, and staying in rain-soaked clothes all night was not an appealing option.
"I can't believe how quickly that storm came on," Minseok says. "Almost out of nowhere-if I didn’t know any better, I’d think Jongdae was messing with us. That was brutal.”
"Yeah, I was a little afraid we'd get swept away into the ocean before we could reach the car," Luhan says.
"You're so ridiculous though," Minseok laughs. "Reaching out for my hand and dragging me along like some knight come to rescue me. That really wasn't necessary, Luhan."
Luhan smiles a bit shyly, looking down at the floor. "I wanted to make sure you didn't get left behind. I'll never leave you behind."
Minseok's throat feels very tight. He tries to swallow and almost chokes on it. "You really do remember, don't you."
“Yes.” When Luhan looks up from the floor and locks eyes with Minseok again, there's something shattering in his gaze. "I left you behind once. I'll never do it again, Minseok. Not ever."
Minseok tries to walk forward, wants to reach for Luhan's hand as it sits clenched on his leg, but he can't move. "Luhan. It wasn't your fault. You didn't leave me behind, no one did. I got trapped because of my own stupidity." Minseok sinks down onto the floor next to Luhan, feeling broken. "It was my stupidity that caused all of this. You shouldn't have come back for me, Luhan, it's my fault that you-you shouldn't have risked yourself for me, I see you-see you hurt and I know that it's my fault when you're hurting, I did this to you-“
"Minseok, calm down." Luhan reaches for Minseok's hands, grips them tight. "Please, calm down. It is not your fault. I knew what might happen and I took the risk, and I will always take the risk for you. Don't ask me not to because I can't do that, Minseok. I can't just leave you when I have the choice to save you. I will always choose you."
Minseok blinks back a vague feeling of tears. He will not cry. Not again. "You're an idiot."
"Yeah," Luhan says. "One of us has to be."
Minseok stutters out a laugh. "Guess it makes sense that it'd be you."
A smile flashes across Luhan's face, but it's quickly replaced with concern. "And you...you're all right? You didn't-you’re not like me, right? Or, or you didn't lose your magic, it's not-“
"No," Minseok interrupts quickly, "no, nothing happened to me or my magic, my wards held. You got to me in time." Minseok tries for a smile. "I can still make it snow."
Luhan sighs wistfully. “I’ve never seen snow before.”
Oh. Minseok swallows thickly. It’s not the first time Luhan has said that. Luhan had grown up very far south, by the sea, where snow never fell; the first time he’d said that to Minseok, he’d paired it with a grin and added, “But you can change that for me.” And Minseok had.
He can’t remember it now, but, Minseok thinks fiercely, he’d be willing to show Luhan his first snowfall every day for the rest of his life, if it came to that.
On impulse, Minseok leans in and softly presses his lips to Luhan’s. When he pulls back from the kiss, Luhan is smiling at him-but his expression quickly changes, eyes wide with awe as he looks up at the snowflakes gently falling from the ceiling. “Minseok-“
Minseok smiles at Luhan’s loss for words. “Now you have.”
Luhan smiles back, placing a hand on Minseok's knee. "Thank you, Minseok," he says with simple sincerity. And then he brushes his lips against Minseok's again, almost experimentally, but it soon gives way to something more, something with hunger and need and questions without answers. Minseok doesn't know if this is okay-what does Luhan really remember right now? Does he truly remember everything they were to each other, everything they are? How can he though, when he can't remember their first shared snowfall. Perhaps Minseok should stop this, do the gentlemanly thing and suggest they get some sleep. But oh, it's been so long since Luhan has touched him like this. Luhan's fingers trail down Minseok's cheek, and Minseok stops questioning. Maybe Luhan doesn't remember everything, but he remembers enough to skate his fingernails down the side of Minseok's neck and rub slow circles on the small of Minseok's back. If Luhan wants this, what really would be the point in Minseok telling him no?
"Most people would heat up after a kiss like that," Luhan murmurs. "You just run colder."
"What?" Minseok asks dumbly.
"Look what you're doing," Luhan says, a hint of laughter in the throb of his voice.
And that's when Minseok realizes. He blinks at the solid blanket of snow around them, white and glittering, covering every surface of the room. Who knew that by leaving the wards, Minseok would be the one of them wreaking havoc? He realizes something else though, and reaches out to circle a hand around Luhan's wrist. "Are you cold?" he asks.
"No," Luhan says. He sounds surprised. "I mean, I was starting to feel it a bit, but-you did something, didn't you?"
Minseok shrugs, a tiny grin on his face. "It's too pretty to stop, don't you think?" he asks. "I didn't want to get rid of it, but I figured we'd both appreciate being able to keep feeling in all our, ah, extremities."
"Good thinking," Luhan says with a grin, and then pushes Minseok back on the floor and climbs over him. Luhan drags his lips over Minseok's slowly, luxuriating in it, and Minseok promptly feels like he just downed a bottle of rich red wine that's gone to his head. He lets his hands drift down to Luhan's hips, resting on the waistband of his jeans, trying to ignore the urge to pull Luhan's hips down to his. He'll let Luhan set the pace, decide where they go and when.
Luhan's hand ventures under Minseok's shirt and pushes it up, exposing Minseok's chest. He dips his head, pressing his tongue to Minseok's nipple, lavishing first one with kisses and then the other. He travels down to Minseok's navel, a trail of kisses marking his path, and Minseok is scared to move, scared to even breathe, afraid something will shatter this moment and Luhan will stop. Oh, please don't let Luhan stop.
But Luhan's already peeling Minseok's jeans down, exposing more and more skin. Minseok clenches his fists so tight he can feel his fingernails prick himself. Luhan licks his lips, meets Minseok's eyes for a brief second, and takes Minseok's cock into his mouth.
Tight, wet heat, not enough friction yet far too much, fighting to hold still while feeling like every molecule of his being is flying off in different directions. Minseok loses track of how long it goes on for, but eventually he feels Luhan's chin come to rest on his abdomen. Minseok opens his eyes to see a small, satisfied smile on Luhan's face, snowflakes glittering in his hair, lips red and swollen and oh god he needs to be kissing them again, needs his lips and hands all over this beautiful man he's loved and almost lost. Minseok pulls Luhan up, desperately touching every bit of him he can, rolling Luhan over into the snow so he can move over his body and press against him everywhere, mouth latching on to tender skin for brief intervals before craving the taste of Luhan's mouth again. Luhan's hands clutch at Minseok and he's shivering with sensation, making small noises in the back of his throat that encourage Minseok on: Don't show any mercy, just keep touching me.
"Wait," Luhan says, pulling back, surging forward for one more quick kiss, dragging his lips to the shell of Minseok's ear. "Bed." Minseok shivers at how utterly undone Luhan sounds.
"Bed," Minseok agrees. He rolls off Luhan and jumps to his feet, reaching a hand out to help Luhan up. Minseok leads them across the room, aware of how the snow's dancing around the room, miniature windstorms kicking up flurries and making the whole room look like it's glittering with stars.
"It's so beautiful," Luhan murmurs, watching the snow fall.
"For you," Minseok says. "Any time you want. If you wanted the world covered in snow, I'd do it for you."
Luhan's eyes are shining. "I know you would." He sits on the bed, stirring up snowflakes, and pulls Minseok down with him, over him. Luhan places his hands on Minseok's cheeks, blinking up at him, trying to dull down that shine. "Don't know what I've done to deserve it. Don't know what I can do for you."
"Just be you," Minseok says. "Just be here. With me."
"Yes," Luhan says. "Of course. Always."
And Minseok kisses him again, can't really take much more of these charged emotions, just needs to focus on one thing, one outlet, one way to show his feelings, one way to get closer to Luhan than he's managed to be in weeks.
The kiss is slower this time, sweeter and less urgent, and Minseok craves so much, but Luhan opens for him easily and Minseok kisses him until he's sure Luhan's got the taste memorized. Maybe this time he won't forget. Maybe Luhan will wake up with that taste on his lips every morning forever.
Minseok feels like crying. He knows he's being gentle with Luhan, more gentle than Luhan likes, but he can't help it, can't help touching Luhan like he's going to fall apart and unravel in his hands if he isn't careful. And in a sense, Minseok supposes, that is exactly what always happens. "Luhan." He knows how he sounds; he knows that Luhan knows too. "Luhan."
Luhan stills under him, going completely motionless for a moment before relaxing, bringing his arms up around Minseok's waist. "Yeah?"
Minseok can't help the smile he gives Luhan any more than he can help the fact the Luhan sometimes wakes up and can't even remember his own name. It feels wrong and twisted; broken, even. But Luhan doesn't look away. Instead he reaches out and drags the knuckles of his right hand along Minseok's cheekbone.
"Do you know?" Minseok asks desperately.
"I know," Luhan says. His eyes are fixed on Minseok as though he's about to lose his sight and he wants Minseok to be the last thing he sees. "I'll always know, even when I don't."
Minseok brushes snowflakes from Luhan's hair and kisses him with frustration, yearning, love, tenderness, all the very best moments of his life, and all the very worst. They start tugging at each other's clothes, dry despite the snow, but when they toss them carelessly into snowdrifts, Minseok's sure they'll wind up soaked again. What does it matter, though? Clothes don't matter right now. Just every square inch of Luhan's skin, smooth in some places, rough in others, marked up quite a bit but still flawless. Minseok wonders what this scene would look like to someone else; like art, he feels, two naked bodies, speckles of glittering snow clinging to their skin, shining like diamonds in their hair. What he wouldn't give right now to sculpt it, put it in a museum, stand on the outskirts of groups of tourists and hear what they'd have to say about Luhan. But, he concedes, running his hands over Luhan's ribs, this is much better, having the sight all to himself.
"Not used to you looking at me like that," Luhan says.
"Like what?"
"I don't know," Luhan says. "But you're kind of giving me the impression you're going to wash my feet any moment."
"Do you want me to? I would. I'll worship you, if you want. Every inch of you."
"Yes," Luhan breathes out as Minseok's hand wraps around his cock. "Hands and tongue will do much better than a wet rag, though."
"You're shameless," Minseok laughs.
"Hey, you asked," Luhan playfully defends himself. "Was I supposed to lie? You'd know."
"You could have deigned to be more humble about it," Minseok teases back. "Maybe say 'I just want you.'"
"I do want you," Luhan murmurs. "I always want you."
Luhan's head tilts back and Minseok mouths hungrily along his neck, sucking and nipping at the smooth skin. Luhan clings to Minseok, fingers digging into the warm skin of his back as he arches up against Minseok, craving his touch everywhere. Minseok runs his fingers over Luhan's body, following invisible lines across his skin, charting a map of all Luhan's favorite spots. "God, Minseok, please," Luhan whimpers, hips rolling up against Minseok's.
Minseok takes him apart slowly, inch by tortuous inch. It's a slow burn, Minseok's fingers opening Luhan up with deliberate, slender fingers, one at a time until Luhan feels full enough to burst; but there's still more to come, and Minseok hesitates, knowing it's been a long time.
"Stop treating me like porcelain," Luhan hisses.
Minseok stops hesitating. He plunges into Luhan with one single hard push, shoving Luhan's body further up the bed, kicking up clouds of snow as Luhan keens loudly. Minseok stills, waits, watches Luhan's hands grasp at the bed sheets and scramble for a handhold on blankets slick with frost. Luhan's back arches and he writhes against Minseok, and Minseok feels all the air forced from his lungs. "Please, Minseok," Luhan begs again in a whisper.
Minseok takes his time with this too, setting into a rhythm hard and slow and perfect. Every thrust of Minseok's hips sends shocks of pleasure through their veins, draws needy, desperate moans and whimpers from Luhan's throat until Minseok's sure the whole hotel can hear him, and so he cuts Luhan off with his mouth.
The kiss is filthy, intense, insatiable, and Minseok gets blissfully lost in it, in the wet slide of their tongues, the press of Luhan's teeth into the sensitive skin of his bottom lip, the hot breath they share with the gasps they can't hold in. Luhan cries out sharply and clutches at Minseok's arm, head falling back. Minseok kisses along the slender column of Luhan’s neck, moving with purpose to keep Luhan’s throat vibrating with those sounds. He presses his lips below Luhan's ear, feels the fluttering pulse and sucks on it.
There's no semblance of rhythm anymore, Minseok's hips moving of their own accord, stuttering into Luhan again and again until he's coming, vision nearly going blind with the ecstasy of it, blood singing like lightning beneath his skin.
Luhan's got something of a triumphant smirk on his face, and Minseok absolutely cannot let that stand. He drags Luhan up and turns him around, putting pressure on Luhan's back until he bends over on his hands and knees, and Minseok quickly sinks into him again. Luhan's throaty moan puts a rather triumphant smirk on Minseok's face.
Minseok works him over hard and fast, Luhan shuddering and crying out as Minseok mercilessly takes his cock in hand while fucking him from behind. It seems like almost no time at all before Luhan comes completely undone.
It seems to go on forever, pulse after pulse of Luhan's orgasm hitting the sheets. Luhan eventually stops crying out, lets out a sigh of relief, and Minseok pulls him down to the mattress with him. Luhan hums his contentment into Minseok's sweaty hairline, hands running up and down Minseok's back, letting his nails catch here and there. "You're mine," Luhan says, drowsily but with a certain firmness and finality to it.
Minseok feels something constrict in his chest at the words and takes a deep breath. "Yours," he agrees. "Definitely, irrevocably, absolutely yours."