Fanfiction: So You've Decided to Be Evil
So, just in time for the Fourth of July holiday, I decided we need a little reminder from our favorite faily psychopath of how people come to together to form new countries/law systems based on the values they hold most dear.
Lord Voldemort Declares the Rights of Wizardkind
“I’ve been thinking.”
Harry Potter had never given much thought to the hating of individual words. However, faced as he currently was by a very serious, quill wielding, no personal space conceiving Dark Lord, he was giving the concept very careful consideration.
For these were words he had heard before.
“Do you agree,” continued Voldemort, completely ignoring Harry’s attempts to bury himself further in his book, “that we are currently under the rule of a tyrannical maniac bent on our subjugation?”
“Well,” said Harry, “yeah, actually.”
“Good!” said Voldemort. “Then you will agree to assist me in drafting a document to send to The Daily Prophet announcing the Death Eaters’ intentions of separating from the Ministry and possibly going to war with them should they continue to try to forcibly mingle us with Muggleborns.”
Harry gaped openly but futilely as Voldemort magicked up a quill and roll of parchment, and thrust them into Harry’s hands. “Take this down,” started Voldemort. “Ahem. ‘Sciatis nos intuitu Dei et pro salute anime nostre et omnium antecessorum-’”
“Hey! Whoa there!” interrupted Harry. “I don’t think I can spell any of those words.”
“Really?” asked Voldemort. “They don’t teach Latin at Hogwarts anymore? What is this world coming to? Okay, let’s try something else then: ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands-’”
“Wait a minute. Are you sure you want to go there?” asked Harry.
“All right, all right,” said Voldemort. “One more time: ‘Les Représentants du Peuple Français, constitués en Assemblée Nationale, considérant que l'ignorance-’”
“Seriously,” said Harry. “I don’t speak much French, but I know you just said ‘The representatives of the French people.’ What do the French have to do with this?”
“You’re right,” snapped Voldemort, snatching away what little badly transcribed writing Harry had gotten down. “This declaring thing is overrated. How about I just blow something up, kill a few people and let off a Dark Mark? Think that’ll get my point across?”
(Author’s Note: Just so you know, that was the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence and the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen. And, if you’re ever in D.C., you should A) come see me, and B) go to the Library of Congress to see the drafts of the Declaration of Independence. They’re both fascinating and hilarious because you can see the parts that Thomas Jefferson crossed out and changed. It’s lots of fun to make up stuff you can’t quite read, like: “When in the Course of human events your king has the face of a dog and the brains of a squid it becomes necessary for one people…”)
Lord Voldemort Declares the Rights of Wizardkind
“I’ve been thinking.”
Harry Potter had never given much thought to the hating of individual words. However, faced as he currently was by a very serious, quill wielding, no personal space conceiving Dark Lord, he was giving the concept very careful consideration.
For these were words he had heard before.
“Do you agree,” continued Voldemort, completely ignoring Harry’s attempts to bury himself further in his book, “that we are currently under the rule of a tyrannical maniac bent on our subjugation?”
“Well,” said Harry, “yeah, actually.”
“Good!” said Voldemort. “Then you will agree to assist me in drafting a document to send to The Daily Prophet announcing the Death Eaters’ intentions of separating from the Ministry and possibly going to war with them should they continue to try to forcibly mingle us with Muggleborns.”
Harry gaped openly but futilely as Voldemort magicked up a quill and roll of parchment, and thrust them into Harry’s hands. “Take this down,” started Voldemort. “Ahem. ‘Sciatis nos intuitu Dei et pro salute anime nostre et omnium antecessorum-’”
“Hey! Whoa there!” interrupted Harry. “I don’t think I can spell any of those words.”
“Really?” asked Voldemort. “They don’t teach Latin at Hogwarts anymore? What is this world coming to? Okay, let’s try something else then: ‘When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands-’”
“Wait a minute. Are you sure you want to go there?” asked Harry.
“All right, all right,” said Voldemort. “One more time: ‘Les Représentants du Peuple Français, constitués en Assemblée Nationale, considérant que l'ignorance-’”
“Seriously,” said Harry. “I don’t speak much French, but I know you just said ‘The representatives of the French people.’ What do the French have to do with this?”
“You’re right,” snapped Voldemort, snatching away what little badly transcribed writing Harry had gotten down. “This declaring thing is overrated. How about I just blow something up, kill a few people and let off a Dark Mark? Think that’ll get my point across?”
(Author’s Note: Just so you know, that was the Magna Carta, the Declaration of Independence and the Declaration of the Rights of Man and Citizen. And, if you’re ever in D.C., you should A) come see me, and B) go to the Library of Congress to see the drafts of the Declaration of Independence. They’re both fascinating and hilarious because you can see the parts that Thomas Jefferson crossed out and changed. It’s lots of fun to make up stuff you can’t quite read, like: “When in the Course of human events your king has the face of a dog and the brains of a squid it becomes necessary for one people…”)