The Fantastic Four: Breadbox Edition
So it’s not what you were expecting, and it’s not quite what I was expecting either, but, hey. At least it’s new, right?
(Author’s Note: Fantastic Four does not belong to me, but to Marvel Comics and Twentieth Century Fox. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation)
FANTASTIC FOUR: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. SKYSCRAPER OF DOOM
GIANT, LOOMING STATUE OF DOOM
I am certainly not compensating for anything.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Julian is the only the person who can fulfill my dreams of Science!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ioan, his character’s last name is “von Doom”. What does that say to you?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM OF DOOM
IOAN shows JULIAN his POWER POINT PRESENTATION OF THE FUTURE.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
…So, as you can see, I believe that random waves of energy float around the
universe, evolving life at will. There’s another wave coming, so I’d like to throw
some things directly into its path and see what happens, because that’s what
Science is. I just need your space station’s shield to do so.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Why should I lend you my space station? Your recent bankruptcy landed
you on the cover of Wired. I mean, seriously? How lame do you have
to be to end up the top story in Wired? Not even Time or Forbes?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
But we have history together!
A lost JESSICA ALBA wanders into the BOARDROOM.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Ioan, I believe you remember your ex-girlfriend, whom I shall now
rub in your face. She’s my Director of Genetic Research.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Oh, I get it. “Genetic” “Research.” That’s a euphemism for how
you’re having sex with her, right? Because that’s the only way-
JULIAN MCMAHON
No, she really is my Director of Genetic Research.
JESSICA ALBA
Don’t worry, Michael. This screenwriter learned from that James Bond movie
with Denise Richards and made sure I don’t say any sciencey things.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Anyway, Ioan, DOOM shall fund your project because
DOOM enjoyed watching you grovel.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Huh?
JULIAN MCMAHON
Uh, I mean, sure. I’ve got a few billion to throw your way.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Wonderful! Let’s go, Michael. We have Science to do.
JESSICA ALBA
I guess I’ll just go schedule a space launch then. I’m sure that falls
under my job description.
JULIAN MCMAHON
No, that’s the job of the Director of Space. Now, walk
away slowly. DOOM enjoys watching your pert butt.
EXT. LAUNCH PAD OF DOOM
CHRIS EVANS is a RECKLESS DOUCHEBAG.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I don’t even get to pilot the spaceship? I don’t see how this could get any worse.
CHRIS EVANS
Hello, ladies. Feast your eyes on the Male Eye Candy.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Well, I was wrong.
JESSICA ALBA
Behold my Boobs of Science!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Science? Where?
JESSICA ALBA
Ugh! Ioan, you never pay any attention to my finer attributes.
IOAN GURFFUDD
But look at these unstable molecules!
CHRIS EVANS
I like your attributes.
JESSICA ALBA
You’re my brother!
CHRIS EVANS
I’m a licentious manwhore. I don’t discriminate.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
For the love of God, can we go to the space station now?
EXT: BAD CGI SPACE STATION OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
Yes, all internationally renowned billionaires with companies to run
go on extremely dangerous space missions.
JESSICA ALBA
I used to be Ioan’s girlfriend, in case you forgot.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Forgot? Heck, I’ll be reminding everyone as often as possible!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I came up here to get away from the backstory! I’d rather hang out
with Chris in the space garden than listen to this again!
CHRIS EVANS
Jessica used to date Ioan, in case you forgot.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I give up.
INT. EARTH VIEWING WINDOW OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
Jessica, I love you deeply, and I swear it’s not just because
you used to date Ioan and I took you away from him.
JESSICA ALBA
(thinking)
Hmmm, I wonder what Ioan is doing? Probably not thinking about me.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I mean, yes, that was the original motivation, but I think
I may actually have genuine feelings for you.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(thinking)
I wonder what he is thinking about?
JULIAN MCMAHON
I think I’ve been clear about my interest in you, and I’m
pretty certain you return my affections.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(thinking)
Probably that harlot, Science.
JULIAN MCMAHON
What I’m trying to say is, will you marry DOOM?
JESSICA ALBA
Huh? Where did this come from all of a sudden?
EXT. AN OCTOPUS’S GARDEN IN SPACE
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I wonder what Ioan thinks these plants will evolve into once they’re exposed to
cosmic radiation. I just hope it’s not man-eating plants named Audrey.
COMPUTER
Warning! Plot contrivance approaching the station!
This is your completely useless nine minute warning!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Holy crap, I was off by entire hours! Michael, you have to get back inside!
The storm is literally right behind you!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Wow, I have no idea why I didn’t see that giant,
red, cosmic storm coming directly at me before now.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Oh no! I must close the shields!
JESSICA ALBA
But Ioan and Michael are still out there. Oh, and, my brother too.
JULIAN MCMAHON
There’s no time. Plus, I have to establish myself as heartless after
I nearly showed some sort of emotion for you.
JESSICA ALBA
God forbid you have any depth!
JULIAN MCMAHON
I know!
JESSICA rushes to help OTHERS, while JULIAN is SELFISH and EVIL.
COSMIC STORM
Hi, everyone! Sorry I’m early. I brought wine, though!
CAST
OWWWWWWWWW!
COSMIC STORM
Well, if you’re going to be like that! I’ll evolve you in a jiffy and
be on my way. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.
IOAN, MICHAEL, JESSICA and CHRIS turn RED as the screen goes BLACK.
INT. A HOSPITAL IN THE ALPS. YES, OF DOOM
CHRIS is a DOUCHEBAG who knows how to use DRAMATIC IRONY.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ha, ha, ya jerk. Is everyone else okay?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’ve discovered that early graying is a product of evolution!
JESSICA ALBA
It appears that being hit by cosmic energy doesn’t actually
do anything. No idea how we got off the space station, though.
I mean, it could have been Julian, but he’s evil and selfish.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
How could I have calculated wrong? I’m a genius.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Look, we’re alive. So, let’s focus on the important things, like
your romantic subplot with Jessica.
INT. EXCUTIVE BOARD MEETING OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
I don’t have to stay in quarantine with everyone else because I’m rich.
MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
We’re going to threaten you for losing money, Julian.
Your obviously evil menacing glare means nothing to us.
INT. A HOSPITAL IN THE ALPS. YES, OF DOOM
CHRIS EVANS
I may not be rich, but there’s no way I’m staying in quarantine.
SEXY NURSE
You shouldn’t exert yourself before we know you’re healthy.
CHRIS EVANS
Baby, you’re not here to set down rules. You’re here for me to flirt with.
SEXY NURSE
That’s true, but let’s pretend I have authority for a moment,
and let me take your temperature.
CHRIS EVANS
Me and the snowboard I apparently decided to bring with me on the dangerous
space mission are hitting the Alps, honey. I could hit that later, if you want.
SEXY NURSE
Your temperature is at an inhumanly high 209 degrees,
so obviously, I should just let you go snowboarding.
CHRIS EVANS
Why don’t you come with me?
SEXY NURSE
Even smarter!
They go snowboarding and CHRIS lights on FIRE while going off a CLIFF he really should have SEEN COMING.
INT. PRIVATE SUITE OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
This scar from the accident is ruining my image.
LACKEY
That scar is totally sexy, sir.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I also appear to have picked up the ability to manipulate place settings.
LACKEY
Also totally sexy. And useful at dinner parties.
JULIAN MCMAHON
But will it win me back Jessica?
LACKEY
Why Jessica? You could have any woman you wanted. You could have me.
MEANWHILE:
IOAN GRUFFUDD
…and then they asked me to be in Fantastic Four!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ha ha! I can’t believe I’m in this movie!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I can’t believe I’m in this movie!
JESSICA ALBA
I totally believe I’m in this movie!
SUDDENLY, the plot catches up to MICHAEL.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Oh man, I better leave you two alone, so I don’t throw up all over your romantic subplot.
BACK IN THE PRIVATE SUITE OF DOOM:
JULIAN MCMAHON
That champagne bottle is staring at me.
CUT BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION:
JESSICA ALBA
So, Ioan, do you still have the hots for me?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I bet you and Julian have lots of hot threesomes with Science.
JESSICA ALBA
I’m trying to make you jealous, and all you can think about is your precious Science!
You make me feel so invisible sometimes!
The MAIN PLOT decides it doesn’t want to play SECOND FIDDLE to the ROMANTIC SUBPLOT anymore and turns JESSICA literally INVISIBLE.
JESSICA ALBA
See how many levels this movie has? We have subtle metaphors!
SUDDENLY, CHRIS bursts into the room.
CHRIS EVANS
I’m on fire!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Johnny Cash you are not.
They discover that FIRE, INVISIBILITY and STRETCHINESS are apparently COSMIC POWERS, proving that the COSMOS really aren’t all that POWERFUL.
MEANWHILE, JULIAN and MICHAEL get the short end of the STUPID POWERS STICK.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
This movie has given me indigestion!
The OTHERS desperately try to open THE DOOR because a CONVENIENT BODY MASS READOUT, available in all QUALITY HOSPITALS, shows them that his MASS is increasing RAPIDLY.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I know how to open the door! I’ll have a dragged out CGI stretching moment.
What do you mean, Michael is dying?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Screw this!
MICHAEL goes off to find someone who actually GIVES A DAMN about his HEALTH.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Hey, what’s with the monstrous creature sized hole in my wall?
JESSICA ALBA
We’re all reacting weirdly to the cloud, Julian.
Have you been experiencing anything weird?
JULIAN MCMAHON
NO! DOOM has definitely not been going bald and making lights flicker!
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - FIRST LOCATION NOT OF DOOM
MICHAEL discovers that RIDICULOUS BODY SUITS are also considered a COSMIC POWER.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s okay, I’m entirely confident that my girlfriend will love me just the way I am.
MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND
Do-de-do, let me just wander out into the streets wearing my negligee.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Baby, remember how you used to say you wished I could stay hard longer?
MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND
Holy crap! This is not what I meant!
MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND runs away as her LADYPARTS clench up at the MERE THOUGHT.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - NEXT DAY
MICHAEL hangs out at a BRIDGE.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I can’t believe she got all upset at me when I stalked
menacingly out of the shadows at her!
A POTENTIAL SUICIDE prepares to jump off the BRIDGE, in BROAD DAYLIGHT, surrounded by PEDESTRIANS who don’t even notice.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Don’t do it, guy! Let me shout at and advance quickly on you!
The POTENTIAL SUICIDE stumbles into traffic and MICHAEL decides that the best way to save him is to cause a HUGE TRAFFIC ACCIDENT.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I’m sure no one will be killed in the massive pileup!
MEANWHILE, IOAN, JESSICA and CHRIS arrive on the scene.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
All these people are between us and Michael. Jessica, why don’t
you turn invisible, take off all your clothes, and do nothing of importance?
JESSICA ALBA
Can I titillate the teenage boys in the audience by turning visible half undressed?
SUDDENLY, everything is EXPLODING and a FIRE TRUCK goes partway off the BRIDGE. Our HEROES discover they can use their POWERS to contain DISASTERS, and not just cause MASSIVE PROPERTY DAMAGE.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Quick! Recycle some heroic clichés!
CHRIS protects a SMALL CHILD! A GUY dangles precariously in front of a BLUE SCREEN! MICHAEL finds a hidden reserve of strength JUST IN TIME! THE DOG is rescued! JESSICA does some stuff NO ONE cares about! MICHAEL is mistaken for a BAD GUY by the AUTHORITIES until the crowd starts APPLAUDING him!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS’S MAGICALLY APPEARING GIRLFRIEND
I am still not impressed.
INT. OFFICE OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
ARGH! My hand itches something fierce!
LACKEY
Would you like me to scratch it for you?
JULIAN MCMAHON
No, leave me so I can brood about how much I hate
Ioan and my newly silver colored hand.
LACKEY
How did you get affected by the radiation anyway? Did the shields not hold up?
Is Ioan actually that stupid? Or did you attempt to rescue them? But shouldn’t
that have been shown? God forbid you have any depth!
JULIAN MCMAHON
I know! Now get lost!
LACKEY
I want you in the worst way, sir.
INT. RESCUE TENT
NEWS MEDIA
You guys are so heroic! Even though it is your fault all this happened in
the first place. Now which one of you is the leader? It can’t be the
Woman, it can’t be the Rock, and it can’t be the Idiot Manchild.
Ioan must be leader by default!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Look, we’re not staying heroes for long. I’m turning us all back as soon as I call
1-800-FIX-DEBT so I can get the power back on at my building.
INT. CORPORATE BOARDROOM OF DOOM
MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
Since Von Doom Industries has gone completely bankrupt…
JULIAN MCMAHON
Really? I haven’t invested in any other projects at all?
MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
…We’ve decided to fire you. This strategy totally worked for Oscorp.
INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING
STAN LEE
I’m getting another movie made! Excelsior!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I own an entire building, but only use one floor. Make yourself at home, guys!
JULIAN shows up to stalk JESSICA and have a PISSING CONTEST with IOAN.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
This is not my fault! I told you to abort, Julian.
JULIAN MCMAHON
So what? Even if I had, it would have taken the exact same amount
of time to bring Michael in! Nothing would be different!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
But I would be less wrong!
JULIAN MCMAHON
Just fix us or I’ll make your lights flicker!
IOAN, MICHAEL, JESSICA and CHRIS have a “COMEDIC” testing montage interspaced with some ROMANTIC SUBPLOT.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE OF DOOM
DOOMED DOCTOR OF DOCTOR DOOM
Hey, Julian is turning into metal! That can’t be good.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I’m going to have to kill you now because, by movie logic, it’s just
one small step from businessman to sociopath.
INT. BAXTER BUILDING
MICHAEL finds second life as a JUICER.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m going to build a machine that will reverse the cosmic waves,
because Science always does the opposite when you do it backwards!
But first, we have to show the audience how we live our daily lives.
They have another “COMEDIC” montage.
MEANWHILE:
JULIAN starts offing people LEFT and RIGHT.
SOON TO BE DEAD GUY
Hey, Julian, did you know you’re from a nonexistent foreign country?
Just wanted to drop off that plot point before I died.
INT. BAXTER BUILDING
CHRIS EVANS
I am too X-TREME to be cooped up here any longer.
I’m going to go act out like a moron.
CHRIS EVANS goes STUNT BIKING because, according to BATMAN AND ROBIN, that’s what X-TREME people do.
NEWS MEDIA
Yes! The stupid one came out! Tell us more about the team.
CHRIS EVANS
I’m going to assign us very boring, prosaic names! I’m the Human Torch,
‘cause I’m on fire, see? And my sister is the Invisible Girl because you can’t
see her. Ioan is Mr. Fantastic because he’s smart or whatever, and
Michael is the Thing because descriptive nouns are hard.
JESSICA ALBA
Invisible Girl? Don’t make me go Malice on your ass.
The OTHERS go to beat the CRAP out of CHRIS EVANS.
JESSICA ALBA
Stop acting like a twit!
CHRIS EVANS
Being superpowered isn’t all that bad! Why can’t any of you guys see that?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Because your experience isn’t universal, doofus.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Do we have to have every argument in front of the whole damn world?
INT. STORAGE LOCKER OF DOOM
JULIAN kills a few people for SHITS AND GIGGLES and picks up a HYPER COOLING UNIT.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Yes! DOOM’S beers will never be warm again!
The CAMERA pans up a LEFTOVER PROP from THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK, apparently a very creepy GIFT to JULIAN from his IMAGINARY COUNTRY.
INT. THE YANCY STREET BAR
MICHAEL CHIKLIS’S life SUCKS.
KERRY WASHINGTON
I’m blind, so Michael’s frightening physical appearance doesn’t matter to me!
Neither does texture nor any potential romantic logistical problems that might occur!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s nice, but I still can’t eat or drink or sit down without breaking things.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Hi, Michael! I’m not up to anything!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s good. I’m glad you’re not trying sow seeds of discord between Ioan and me.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Yep, and that’s why I need to tell you that Ioan doesn’t love you anymore.
INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING
JESSICA ALBA
I’m wearing glasses! That makes me a scientist.
C’mon, let’s go sightseeing and rekindle our love.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
But, I have more chemistry with Chemistry.
They wander around NEW YORK and are AWKWARD with each other. They admire the SKYLINE.
JESSICA ALBA
Remember this place?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Yes, it’s New York. We live here.
They go back to the BAXTER BUILDING and discover MICHAEL pining for IOAN.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Seriously, a planetarium? Why aren’t you trying to fix me?
Is the Pink Floyd laser show really that great?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m sorry, Michael! The romantic subplot got in my way.
MICHAEL and IOAN have a really AWKWARD looking fight.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Despite not having anywhere else to go, nor any other options for a cure,
I’m going to storm off and never see you guys again.
CHRIS EVANS
Hey, are we splintering off? That sounds like a great idea
because I’m a colossal dumbass.
DESPERATE to keep the group together, IOAN tries his experiments on himself, because the best person to try DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS on is always the person CONDUCTING them.
JESSICA ALBA
Oh no! Your condition is even worse!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Don’t worry; a little aspirin will take care of that.
IT DOES.
INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING
JULIAN MCMAHON
By spying on Ioan’s failed attempt to fix himself, I’ve figured out what he was
doing wrong. Want me to fix you, Michael?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Wait, how the hell did you get into Ioan’s building?
JULIAN MCMAHON
Pssh, the only person between me and the lobby elevator is Stan Lee.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
But aren’t Ioan and Jessica right down the hall?
JULIAN MCMAHON
Like they can hear us over the romantic subplot. So, do you want me to heal you?
DOOM has no ulterior motive here.
JULIAN zaps MICHAEL out of his COSMIC BODY SUIT by sticking his finger in a LIGHT SOCKET.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Behold! DOOM now has the power to make lights flicker EVERYWHERE!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
What the hell kind of power-
JULIAN knocks out MICHAEL.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Hey! I thought I made you give back that key to my building!
JULIAN knocks out IOAN and a few RANDOM PASSERS BY, for EVIL measure.
INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE - I MEAN, LAIR - OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
Now, I know what you’re thinking, Ioan. Where did I get this cloak?
Well, you’d be surprised how fulfilling community theater can be.
IOAN has been frozen SOLID.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
What do I have that you want anyway? It can’t be my genius, as
I’ve either been wrong or one-upped all movie.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I want Jessica, of course!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
What, really? Geez, take her then.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Well, it really more that I object to you having things in general. Now I’m
going to blow up Chris with a heat seeking missile because I’m obvious like that.
CHRIS discovers he can FLY, which is a SLIGHTLY MORE COSMIC power than just FLAMING, but still pretty SAD.
CHRIS EVANS
How do I get this missile off my tail? I know, I’ll set a trash barge on fire,
creating a target that generates more heat than I do!
TRASH BARGE blows up.
CHRIS EVANS (cont.)
Boy, I hope that barge was unmanned. Manslaughter is not X-TREME.
MEANWHILE, JESSICA suddenly appears (or rather, DOESN’T APPEAR) at the EXECUTIVE LAIR OF DOOM.
JESSICA ALBA
I’ve come to rescue you, Ioan!
JULIAN beats up JESSICA.
MICHAEL, again wearing his COSMIC BODY SUIT, also suddenly appears at the EXECUTIVE LAIR OF DOOM.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I knew I shouldn’t have put that teleportation pad in my office!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I decided it was better to stand by my friends as a freak than to be normal and
attending three funerals! It’s CATCH PHRASE TIME!
MICHAEL beats up JULIAN.
JESSICA ALBA
How do we unfreeze Ioan?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Stick him in the microwave on defrost for a few minutes?
JULIAN comes back for the FINAL FIGHT.
JULIAN MCMAHON
DOOM has decided that there aren’t enough innocent bystanders in my office,
so we’re taking our conclusion to the streets.
They FIGHT for awhile. It’s KINDA BORING.
FINALLY, JULIAN beheads an IMMORTAL and summons the QUICKENING.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
We have to work together to stop him!
CHRIS EVANS
Actually, why don’t you just sit back, Stretchy, and let Jessica and I handle it,
since we’re the only ones with actually useful powers.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Flame on you crazy diamond.
JULIAN turns into a METAL STATUE, just like the one at the BEGINNING, which is actually sort of SUBTLE BOOKENDING.
EXT. A NON-EXPLODED BOAT
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I got you a gasket for an engagement ring, Jessica.
JESSICA ALBA
You are so lucky I am also a scientist, Ioan, and find that cute.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
It’s sort of like marrying Science!
CHRIS EVANS: STILL A JACKASS.
EXT. WORST ENDING EVER
JULIAN MCMAHON
There will come a reckoning! There will come a SEQUEL!
AUDIENCE
Noooooooooooooooooo!
LONGEST CREDITS SEQUENCE EVER
Whether you realized it or not, you and everyone you know worked on this film.
(Author’s Note: Fantastic Four does not belong to me, but to Marvel Comics and Twentieth Century Fox. Dr. Evadne's warning: Please remember to take a grain of salt before reading. Do not expose to direct sunlight. May impair your ability to drive or operate heavy machinery. Anyone who fails to abide by the warning is responsible for their own indignation)
FANTASTIC FOUR: BREADBOX EDITION
FADE IN:
EXT. SKYSCRAPER OF DOOM
GIANT, LOOMING STATUE OF DOOM
I am certainly not compensating for anything.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Julian is the only the person who can fulfill my dreams of Science!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ioan, his character’s last name is “von Doom”. What does that say to you?
INT. CONFERENCE ROOM OF DOOM
IOAN shows JULIAN his POWER POINT PRESENTATION OF THE FUTURE.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
…So, as you can see, I believe that random waves of energy float around the
universe, evolving life at will. There’s another wave coming, so I’d like to throw
some things directly into its path and see what happens, because that’s what
Science is. I just need your space station’s shield to do so.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Why should I lend you my space station? Your recent bankruptcy landed
you on the cover of Wired. I mean, seriously? How lame do you have
to be to end up the top story in Wired? Not even Time or Forbes?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
But we have history together!
A lost JESSICA ALBA wanders into the BOARDROOM.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Ioan, I believe you remember your ex-girlfriend, whom I shall now
rub in your face. She’s my Director of Genetic Research.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Oh, I get it. “Genetic” “Research.” That’s a euphemism for how
you’re having sex with her, right? Because that’s the only way-
JULIAN MCMAHON
No, she really is my Director of Genetic Research.
JESSICA ALBA
Don’t worry, Michael. This screenwriter learned from that James Bond movie
with Denise Richards and made sure I don’t say any sciencey things.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Anyway, Ioan, DOOM shall fund your project because
DOOM enjoyed watching you grovel.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Huh?
JULIAN MCMAHON
Uh, I mean, sure. I’ve got a few billion to throw your way.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Wonderful! Let’s go, Michael. We have Science to do.
JESSICA ALBA
I guess I’ll just go schedule a space launch then. I’m sure that falls
under my job description.
JULIAN MCMAHON
No, that’s the job of the Director of Space. Now, walk
away slowly. DOOM enjoys watching your pert butt.
EXT. LAUNCH PAD OF DOOM
CHRIS EVANS is a RECKLESS DOUCHEBAG.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I don’t even get to pilot the spaceship? I don’t see how this could get any worse.
CHRIS EVANS
Hello, ladies. Feast your eyes on the Male Eye Candy.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Well, I was wrong.
JESSICA ALBA
Behold my Boobs of Science!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Science? Where?
JESSICA ALBA
Ugh! Ioan, you never pay any attention to my finer attributes.
IOAN GURFFUDD
But look at these unstable molecules!
CHRIS EVANS
I like your attributes.
JESSICA ALBA
You’re my brother!
CHRIS EVANS
I’m a licentious manwhore. I don’t discriminate.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
For the love of God, can we go to the space station now?
EXT: BAD CGI SPACE STATION OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
Yes, all internationally renowned billionaires with companies to run
go on extremely dangerous space missions.
JESSICA ALBA
I used to be Ioan’s girlfriend, in case you forgot.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Forgot? Heck, I’ll be reminding everyone as often as possible!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I came up here to get away from the backstory! I’d rather hang out
with Chris in the space garden than listen to this again!
CHRIS EVANS
Jessica used to date Ioan, in case you forgot.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I give up.
INT. EARTH VIEWING WINDOW OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
Jessica, I love you deeply, and I swear it’s not just because
you used to date Ioan and I took you away from him.
JESSICA ALBA
(thinking)
Hmmm, I wonder what Ioan is doing? Probably not thinking about me.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I mean, yes, that was the original motivation, but I think
I may actually have genuine feelings for you.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(thinking)
I wonder what he is thinking about?
JULIAN MCMAHON
I think I’ve been clear about my interest in you, and I’m
pretty certain you return my affections.
JESSICA ALBA (cont.)
(thinking)
Probably that harlot, Science.
JULIAN MCMAHON
What I’m trying to say is, will you marry DOOM?
JESSICA ALBA
Huh? Where did this come from all of a sudden?
EXT. AN OCTOPUS’S GARDEN IN SPACE
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I wonder what Ioan thinks these plants will evolve into once they’re exposed to
cosmic radiation. I just hope it’s not man-eating plants named Audrey.
COMPUTER
Warning! Plot contrivance approaching the station!
This is your completely useless nine minute warning!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Holy crap, I was off by entire hours! Michael, you have to get back inside!
The storm is literally right behind you!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Wow, I have no idea why I didn’t see that giant,
red, cosmic storm coming directly at me before now.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Oh no! I must close the shields!
JESSICA ALBA
But Ioan and Michael are still out there. Oh, and, my brother too.
JULIAN MCMAHON
There’s no time. Plus, I have to establish myself as heartless after
I nearly showed some sort of emotion for you.
JESSICA ALBA
God forbid you have any depth!
JULIAN MCMAHON
I know!
JESSICA rushes to help OTHERS, while JULIAN is SELFISH and EVIL.
COSMIC STORM
Hi, everyone! Sorry I’m early. I brought wine, though!
CAST
OWWWWWWWWW!
COSMIC STORM
Well, if you’re going to be like that! I’ll evolve you in a jiffy and
be on my way. I don’t want to overstay my welcome.
IOAN, MICHAEL, JESSICA and CHRIS turn RED as the screen goes BLACK.
INT. A HOSPITAL IN THE ALPS. YES, OF DOOM
CHRIS is a DOUCHEBAG who knows how to use DRAMATIC IRONY.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ha, ha, ya jerk. Is everyone else okay?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’ve discovered that early graying is a product of evolution!
JESSICA ALBA
It appears that being hit by cosmic energy doesn’t actually
do anything. No idea how we got off the space station, though.
I mean, it could have been Julian, but he’s evil and selfish.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
How could I have calculated wrong? I’m a genius.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Look, we’re alive. So, let’s focus on the important things, like
your romantic subplot with Jessica.
INT. EXCUTIVE BOARD MEETING OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
I don’t have to stay in quarantine with everyone else because I’m rich.
MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
We’re going to threaten you for losing money, Julian.
Your obviously evil menacing glare means nothing to us.
INT. A HOSPITAL IN THE ALPS. YES, OF DOOM
CHRIS EVANS
I may not be rich, but there’s no way I’m staying in quarantine.
SEXY NURSE
You shouldn’t exert yourself before we know you’re healthy.
CHRIS EVANS
Baby, you’re not here to set down rules. You’re here for me to flirt with.
SEXY NURSE
That’s true, but let’s pretend I have authority for a moment,
and let me take your temperature.
CHRIS EVANS
Me and the snowboard I apparently decided to bring with me on the dangerous
space mission are hitting the Alps, honey. I could hit that later, if you want.
SEXY NURSE
Your temperature is at an inhumanly high 209 degrees,
so obviously, I should just let you go snowboarding.
CHRIS EVANS
Why don’t you come with me?
SEXY NURSE
Even smarter!
They go snowboarding and CHRIS lights on FIRE while going off a CLIFF he really should have SEEN COMING.
INT. PRIVATE SUITE OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
This scar from the accident is ruining my image.
LACKEY
That scar is totally sexy, sir.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I also appear to have picked up the ability to manipulate place settings.
LACKEY
Also totally sexy. And useful at dinner parties.
JULIAN MCMAHON
But will it win me back Jessica?
LACKEY
Why Jessica? You could have any woman you wanted. You could have me.
MEANWHILE:
IOAN GRUFFUDD
…and then they asked me to be in Fantastic Four!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Ha ha! I can’t believe I’m in this movie!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I can’t believe I’m in this movie!
JESSICA ALBA
I totally believe I’m in this movie!
SUDDENLY, the plot catches up to MICHAEL.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Oh man, I better leave you two alone, so I don’t throw up all over your romantic subplot.
BACK IN THE PRIVATE SUITE OF DOOM:
JULIAN MCMAHON
That champagne bottle is staring at me.
CUT BACK TO THE MAIN ACTION:
JESSICA ALBA
So, Ioan, do you still have the hots for me?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I bet you and Julian have lots of hot threesomes with Science.
JESSICA ALBA
I’m trying to make you jealous, and all you can think about is your precious Science!
You make me feel so invisible sometimes!
The MAIN PLOT decides it doesn’t want to play SECOND FIDDLE to the ROMANTIC SUBPLOT anymore and turns JESSICA literally INVISIBLE.
JESSICA ALBA
See how many levels this movie has? We have subtle metaphors!
SUDDENLY, CHRIS bursts into the room.
CHRIS EVANS
I’m on fire!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Johnny Cash you are not.
They discover that FIRE, INVISIBILITY and STRETCHINESS are apparently COSMIC POWERS, proving that the COSMOS really aren’t all that POWERFUL.
MEANWHILE, JULIAN and MICHAEL get the short end of the STUPID POWERS STICK.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
This movie has given me indigestion!
The OTHERS desperately try to open THE DOOR because a CONVENIENT BODY MASS READOUT, available in all QUALITY HOSPITALS, shows them that his MASS is increasing RAPIDLY.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I know how to open the door! I’ll have a dragged out CGI stretching moment.
What do you mean, Michael is dying?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Screw this!
MICHAEL goes off to find someone who actually GIVES A DAMN about his HEALTH.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Hey, what’s with the monstrous creature sized hole in my wall?
JESSICA ALBA
We’re all reacting weirdly to the cloud, Julian.
Have you been experiencing anything weird?
JULIAN MCMAHON
NO! DOOM has definitely not been going bald and making lights flicker!
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - FIRST LOCATION NOT OF DOOM
MICHAEL discovers that RIDICULOUS BODY SUITS are also considered a COSMIC POWER.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s okay, I’m entirely confident that my girlfriend will love me just the way I am.
MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND
Do-de-do, let me just wander out into the streets wearing my negligee.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Baby, remember how you used to say you wished I could stay hard longer?
MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND
Holy crap! This is not what I meant!
MICHAEL’S GIRLFRIEND runs away as her LADYPARTS clench up at the MERE THOUGHT.
EXT. NEW YORK CITY - NEXT DAY
MICHAEL hangs out at a BRIDGE.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I can’t believe she got all upset at me when I stalked
menacingly out of the shadows at her!
A POTENTIAL SUICIDE prepares to jump off the BRIDGE, in BROAD DAYLIGHT, surrounded by PEDESTRIANS who don’t even notice.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Don’t do it, guy! Let me shout at and advance quickly on you!
The POTENTIAL SUICIDE stumbles into traffic and MICHAEL decides that the best way to save him is to cause a HUGE TRAFFIC ACCIDENT.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I’m sure no one will be killed in the massive pileup!
MEANWHILE, IOAN, JESSICA and CHRIS arrive on the scene.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
All these people are between us and Michael. Jessica, why don’t
you turn invisible, take off all your clothes, and do nothing of importance?
JESSICA ALBA
Can I titillate the teenage boys in the audience by turning visible half undressed?
SUDDENLY, everything is EXPLODING and a FIRE TRUCK goes partway off the BRIDGE. Our HEROES discover they can use their POWERS to contain DISASTERS, and not just cause MASSIVE PROPERTY DAMAGE.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Quick! Recycle some heroic clichés!
CHRIS protects a SMALL CHILD! A GUY dangles precariously in front of a BLUE SCREEN! MICHAEL finds a hidden reserve of strength JUST IN TIME! THE DOG is rescued! JESSICA does some stuff NO ONE cares about! MICHAEL is mistaken for a BAD GUY by the AUTHORITIES until the crowd starts APPLAUDING him!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS’S MAGICALLY APPEARING GIRLFRIEND
I am still not impressed.
INT. OFFICE OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
ARGH! My hand itches something fierce!
LACKEY
Would you like me to scratch it for you?
JULIAN MCMAHON
No, leave me so I can brood about how much I hate
Ioan and my newly silver colored hand.
LACKEY
How did you get affected by the radiation anyway? Did the shields not hold up?
Is Ioan actually that stupid? Or did you attempt to rescue them? But shouldn’t
that have been shown? God forbid you have any depth!
JULIAN MCMAHON
I know! Now get lost!
LACKEY
I want you in the worst way, sir.
INT. RESCUE TENT
NEWS MEDIA
You guys are so heroic! Even though it is your fault all this happened in
the first place. Now which one of you is the leader? It can’t be the
Woman, it can’t be the Rock, and it can’t be the Idiot Manchild.
Ioan must be leader by default!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Look, we’re not staying heroes for long. I’m turning us all back as soon as I call
1-800-FIX-DEBT so I can get the power back on at my building.
INT. CORPORATE BOARDROOM OF DOOM
MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
Since Von Doom Industries has gone completely bankrupt…
JULIAN MCMAHON
Really? I haven’t invested in any other projects at all?
MONEY OBSESSED WHITE DUDES
…We’ve decided to fire you. This strategy totally worked for Oscorp.
INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING
STAN LEE
I’m getting another movie made! Excelsior!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I own an entire building, but only use one floor. Make yourself at home, guys!
JULIAN shows up to stalk JESSICA and have a PISSING CONTEST with IOAN.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
This is not my fault! I told you to abort, Julian.
JULIAN MCMAHON
So what? Even if I had, it would have taken the exact same amount
of time to bring Michael in! Nothing would be different!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
But I would be less wrong!
JULIAN MCMAHON
Just fix us or I’ll make your lights flicker!
IOAN, MICHAEL, JESSICA and CHRIS have a “COMEDIC” testing montage interspaced with some ROMANTIC SUBPLOT.
INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE OF DOOM
DOOMED DOCTOR OF DOCTOR DOOM
Hey, Julian is turning into metal! That can’t be good.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I’m going to have to kill you now because, by movie logic, it’s just
one small step from businessman to sociopath.
INT. BAXTER BUILDING
MICHAEL finds second life as a JUICER.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m going to build a machine that will reverse the cosmic waves,
because Science always does the opposite when you do it backwards!
But first, we have to show the audience how we live our daily lives.
They have another “COMEDIC” montage.
MEANWHILE:
JULIAN starts offing people LEFT and RIGHT.
SOON TO BE DEAD GUY
Hey, Julian, did you know you’re from a nonexistent foreign country?
Just wanted to drop off that plot point before I died.
INT. BAXTER BUILDING
CHRIS EVANS
I am too X-TREME to be cooped up here any longer.
I’m going to go act out like a moron.
CHRIS EVANS goes STUNT BIKING because, according to BATMAN AND ROBIN, that’s what X-TREME people do.
NEWS MEDIA
Yes! The stupid one came out! Tell us more about the team.
CHRIS EVANS
I’m going to assign us very boring, prosaic names! I’m the Human Torch,
‘cause I’m on fire, see? And my sister is the Invisible Girl because you can’t
see her. Ioan is Mr. Fantastic because he’s smart or whatever, and
Michael is the Thing because descriptive nouns are hard.
JESSICA ALBA
Invisible Girl? Don’t make me go Malice on your ass.
The OTHERS go to beat the CRAP out of CHRIS EVANS.
JESSICA ALBA
Stop acting like a twit!
CHRIS EVANS
Being superpowered isn’t all that bad! Why can’t any of you guys see that?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Because your experience isn’t universal, doofus.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Do we have to have every argument in front of the whole damn world?
INT. STORAGE LOCKER OF DOOM
JULIAN kills a few people for SHITS AND GIGGLES and picks up a HYPER COOLING UNIT.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Yes! DOOM’S beers will never be warm again!
The CAMERA pans up a LEFTOVER PROP from THE MAN IN THE IRON MASK, apparently a very creepy GIFT to JULIAN from his IMAGINARY COUNTRY.
INT. THE YANCY STREET BAR
MICHAEL CHIKLIS’S life SUCKS.
KERRY WASHINGTON
I’m blind, so Michael’s frightening physical appearance doesn’t matter to me!
Neither does texture nor any potential romantic logistical problems that might occur!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s nice, but I still can’t eat or drink or sit down without breaking things.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Hi, Michael! I’m not up to anything!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
That’s good. I’m glad you’re not trying sow seeds of discord between Ioan and me.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Yep, and that’s why I need to tell you that Ioan doesn’t love you anymore.
INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING
JESSICA ALBA
I’m wearing glasses! That makes me a scientist.
C’mon, let’s go sightseeing and rekindle our love.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
But, I have more chemistry with Chemistry.
They wander around NEW YORK and are AWKWARD with each other. They admire the SKYLINE.
JESSICA ALBA
Remember this place?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Yes, it’s New York. We live here.
They go back to the BAXTER BUILDING and discover MICHAEL pining for IOAN.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Seriously, a planetarium? Why aren’t you trying to fix me?
Is the Pink Floyd laser show really that great?
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I’m sorry, Michael! The romantic subplot got in my way.
MICHAEL and IOAN have a really AWKWARD looking fight.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Despite not having anywhere else to go, nor any other options for a cure,
I’m going to storm off and never see you guys again.
CHRIS EVANS
Hey, are we splintering off? That sounds like a great idea
because I’m a colossal dumbass.
DESPERATE to keep the group together, IOAN tries his experiments on himself, because the best person to try DANGEROUS EXPERIMENTS on is always the person CONDUCTING them.
JESSICA ALBA
Oh no! Your condition is even worse!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Don’t worry; a little aspirin will take care of that.
IT DOES.
INT. THE BAXTER BUILDING
JULIAN MCMAHON
By spying on Ioan’s failed attempt to fix himself, I’ve figured out what he was
doing wrong. Want me to fix you, Michael?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Wait, how the hell did you get into Ioan’s building?
JULIAN MCMAHON
Pssh, the only person between me and the lobby elevator is Stan Lee.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
But aren’t Ioan and Jessica right down the hall?
JULIAN MCMAHON
Like they can hear us over the romantic subplot. So, do you want me to heal you?
DOOM has no ulterior motive here.
JULIAN zaps MICHAEL out of his COSMIC BODY SUIT by sticking his finger in a LIGHT SOCKET.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Behold! DOOM now has the power to make lights flicker EVERYWHERE!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
What the hell kind of power-
JULIAN knocks out MICHAEL.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
Hey! I thought I made you give back that key to my building!
JULIAN knocks out IOAN and a few RANDOM PASSERS BY, for EVIL measure.
INT. EXECUTIVE OFFICE - I MEAN, LAIR - OF DOOM
JULIAN MCMAHON
Now, I know what you’re thinking, Ioan. Where did I get this cloak?
Well, you’d be surprised how fulfilling community theater can be.
IOAN has been frozen SOLID.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
What do I have that you want anyway? It can’t be my genius, as
I’ve either been wrong or one-upped all movie.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I want Jessica, of course!
IOAN GRUFFUDD
What, really? Geez, take her then.
JULIAN MCMAHON
Well, it really more that I object to you having things in general. Now I’m
going to blow up Chris with a heat seeking missile because I’m obvious like that.
CHRIS discovers he can FLY, which is a SLIGHTLY MORE COSMIC power than just FLAMING, but still pretty SAD.
CHRIS EVANS
How do I get this missile off my tail? I know, I’ll set a trash barge on fire,
creating a target that generates more heat than I do!
TRASH BARGE blows up.
CHRIS EVANS (cont.)
Boy, I hope that barge was unmanned. Manslaughter is not X-TREME.
MEANWHILE, JESSICA suddenly appears (or rather, DOESN’T APPEAR) at the EXECUTIVE LAIR OF DOOM.
JESSICA ALBA
I’ve come to rescue you, Ioan!
JULIAN beats up JESSICA.
MICHAEL, again wearing his COSMIC BODY SUIT, also suddenly appears at the EXECUTIVE LAIR OF DOOM.
JULIAN MCMAHON
I knew I shouldn’t have put that teleportation pad in my office!
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
I decided it was better to stand by my friends as a freak than to be normal and
attending three funerals! It’s CATCH PHRASE TIME!
MICHAEL beats up JULIAN.
JESSICA ALBA
How do we unfreeze Ioan?
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Stick him in the microwave on defrost for a few minutes?
JULIAN comes back for the FINAL FIGHT.
JULIAN MCMAHON
DOOM has decided that there aren’t enough innocent bystanders in my office,
so we’re taking our conclusion to the streets.
They FIGHT for awhile. It’s KINDA BORING.
FINALLY, JULIAN beheads an IMMORTAL and summons the QUICKENING.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
We have to work together to stop him!
CHRIS EVANS
Actually, why don’t you just sit back, Stretchy, and let Jessica and I handle it,
since we’re the only ones with actually useful powers.
MICHAEL CHIKLIS
Flame on you crazy diamond.
JULIAN turns into a METAL STATUE, just like the one at the BEGINNING, which is actually sort of SUBTLE BOOKENDING.
EXT. A NON-EXPLODED BOAT
IOAN GRUFFUDD
I got you a gasket for an engagement ring, Jessica.
JESSICA ALBA
You are so lucky I am also a scientist, Ioan, and find that cute.
IOAN GRUFFUDD
It’s sort of like marrying Science!
CHRIS EVANS: STILL A JACKASS.
EXT. WORST ENDING EVER
JULIAN MCMAHON
There will come a reckoning! There will come a SEQUEL!
AUDIENCE
Noooooooooooooooooo!
LONGEST CREDITS SEQUENCE EVER
Whether you realized it or not, you and everyone you know worked on this film.