Hush Third Trimester -Chapter 2
The first week is the worst. Jensen’s mental state is like a landmine zone. He shifts from agitated and needy, sometimes incoherent, to moody, almost unresponsive. There are several other anxiety peaks that leave both of them a little more exhausted, giving this already eerie, surreal situation more weight in their reality.
Genevieve Cortese confirms her temporary diagnosis the day after Jensen’s admittance. General anxiety disorder, pre-obsessive thoughts and circumstantial depression. Because the anxiety is the major problem, the anti-depressant dose must be raised higher than it usually would be when dealing with depression only. Jensen worries himself to the point of almost being sick about the baby reacting negatively to the effects of the drugs. It doesn’t matter how many times the nurses, Jared and his psychiatrist try to reassure him - Misha Collins goes to the length of printing out all the known studies that prove the meds are safe. Jensen just can’t think rationally.
He has another catatonic episode the second day. During dinner, he tries to force himself to eat, really eat, for the first time since his admittance. Jared cringes, seeing how swallowing each mouthful seems painful for him. Sure enough, Jensen bolts into the bathroom and throws up what he has managed to push in so far. This results in another panic attack. He has to eat for the baby, he pants, looking at Jared with those wild, terrified eyes. He’s hurting her, not giving her what she needs. He’s an awful human being.
Before the nurse Jared has called even gets into the room, Jensen sits abruptly on the bathroom floor and stops shaking, stops crying. His mouth gets lax, his arms fall to either side of his body like they’re made of rubber.
It doesn’t last as long as the first time. Half an hour after another dose of intra muscular Ativan, he slowly comes back to himself, if “himself” can be described as the shivering man trying to curl into the tightest ball he can manage.
Jensen doesn’t want to leave his room, or shower, or even dress in the clothes Jared had brought him from home. The third day, a nurse forces him to clean himself a little with a washcloth. Jared is mad at how hard she is on Jensen and he’s about to throw her out of the room when another nurse calls him from the door, like everybody working on this floor knows what he’s thinking and what his reactions will be.
It needs to be done, she tells him. It may seem cruel, but it’s part of the healing process. She also explains that the nurses take on that role so Jared won't have to. He has to keep Jensen’s trust and remain a source of comfort. Still, patients in the acute phase of their mental illnesses will neglect everything other than what’s going on in their head and it gets quickly debilitating, a vicious circle. They need someone to force them back into an apparent normality because they don’t have the capacity to do it themselves.
They’ll go slowly with Jensen, she tells him, because he’s so anxious that the smallest thing could trigger another panic attack, another catatonic episode. But they’ll increase the pace as time passes and the meds he’s taking reach a more efficient level. Jared agrees because he’s lost and, most of the time, he feels so useless when dealing with Jensen that he gets mad at himself.
When he gets back to the room and the nurse helps Jensen out of the bathroom, his face clean, his hospital gown changed, Jared is crushed by how exhausted he looks just from having cleaned up a little. He sleeps for three hours straight after that. It’s scary.
Then there are the fits of anger. Two over the first week of Jensen’s hospitalization, the first one during a meeting with Genevieve Cortese. Jared has gone to the cafeteria to get some coffee so Jensen can speak with his psychiatrist privately. When he comes back, it’s to hear Jensen yelling at the woman. “M’not going to kill myself! I’m pregnant! What kind of monster do you think I am?” It’s so unexpected that Jared fears Jensen is going to lose it completely and then it will be just like in the movies: some big guy will come out of nowhere to restrain him by tying him to his bed and a nurse will come in with a larger than life syringe to sedate him.
He walks into the room, ready to do something, but Jensen doesn’t seems like he's about to break furniture or hurt his doctor. He’s crying -which is like his default setting since his break down- and pressing his palms against his forehead while Dr. Cortese rubs his back.
“I just want it to stop hurting so much. I’m so freaking tired,” Jensen rasps.
“I know. I know, Jensen,” Cortese simply says, casting Jared a look that says everything is under control.
The second time, it lasts longer and it’s directed at Jared. From the beginning, Jensen has made it clear that he doesn’t want anybody to know: not his friends, not his family, no one. Jared feels that it's wrong to hide this as though Jensen has something to be ashamed of. He and his brother are close, Josh should know, could give a little support and comfort, even if it’s only by talking with him on the phone.
Jensen refuses and makes him swear. That’s when Jared has to admit that Felicia already knows, that she was there with him at the hospital the night of his admittance. Jared is already having difficulty keeping her away, because Jensen is not ready to see anyone and even the mention of it raises his anxiety level. Felicia is understanding but persistent. “Of course he’s going to say that, but you told me yourself he’s not making sense right now. He needs me, both of you do, Jay. You can’t keep up this pace, not alone, you’re going to end up in a room next to his.”
When Jensen starts swearing at Jared and yelling at him to “leave him the fuck alone”, Jared knows the best way to diffuse the situation is to give Jensen some space. He leaves the room and warns the nurses. He decides to go home for a little while, maybe have a nap if he can manage it, but he doesn't even get to his car before his cell phone rings. It’s Jensen, panting, saying he’s sorry, and “please don’t leave me Jared I’m so sorry, don’t leave me alone here.”
Jared goes back. Of course he does. He wonders for the hundredth time if he has the strength to get the both of them through this without losing his mind.
Jensen develops new nervous habits, like looking quickly from left to right, or playing with the edge of his flannel sheet when he’s in bed, scratching the fabric with his nail in a quick, constant motion. He barely looks people in the eyes anymore, Jared included. When he’s asleep, he has these nervous body jerks and grimaces. When he’s awake, he keeps touching his belly, furtively, like he doesn’t want anyone to realize he’s doing it but can’t help himself.
It’s been six days since Jensen has been admitted and Jared is supposed to be back at school tomorrow. He hasn't even thought about it until a colleague calls him to ask for a ride. School, work, normal life. Everything seems so far away, unreachable right now. Jared makes up an excuse and starts thinking about what he can come up with to take vacation at the beginning of the school year. He can maybe split his three paternity months before and after the baby is born. He wonders if that's doable, considering their already tight budget. One thing’s for sure, he won’t be able to go to work tomorrow, or the day after. He decides to call in sick for the first week. The students won’t be there before September second anyway. Right now, Jared can’t even imagine where he and Jensen will be in a day much less in a week.
He spends his day at the hospital, as usual. Jensen has been moved from the observation room to a normal one, but Jared can’t see what kind of improvement precipitated this decision.
He talks his husband through eating breakfast and showering. It’s Jensen’s second shower and although he spends less than three minutes in it, maybe this, right there, this simple, routine thing, is a sign that his mental state is improving. Jared can only hope.
Right after his shower, Dr. Cortese comes for her daily visit and, as usual, Jensen is exhausted by the time she leaves. He sleeps through lunch. Jared stashes the desert from the tray before it’s taken away to give to Jensen later. He has started to bring food to the hospital, things he knows Jensen likes, fruits and nuts, food in small portions like cookies and crackers that seem less intimidating than a whole meal.
Jensen wakes up after two. He’s a shivering, whimpering mess. Most of the time, his nightmares are what wake him up. Jared asks but Jensen doesn’t want to talk about it, turns to lie on his side and asks Jared to just hold his hand. He’s fighting a new rise in his anxiety level, Jared can see it in the way his breath quickens and his gaze darts ceaselessly around the room.
Minutes pass and Jensen seems to overcome this crisis without the help of an emergency anxiety pill. Jared breathes a little easier and is about to ask him if he’s hungry when Jensen looks over his shoulder at the open door and sits up abruptly.
“Fel?”
“Hey.”
Jared turns his head and sees Felicia standing in the doorway. She has a big paper bag pressed against her chest and a determined look on her face.
“No, I’ve asked… I don’t want you to-“ Jensen starts to babble, his lower lip quivering.
“Felicia-“ Jared starts, but she cuts him off.
“Listen, Jen. I know you’re in a bad place right now and that you think it’s better if I don’t see you like this, but I don’t give a fuck about what you think you must look like, what you think is so shameful you have to hide it from your best friend.”
That gets Jensen’s attention and, to Jared’s surprise, he looks calmer almost immediately.
“Fel, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry. I get it, but I decided not to listen to Jared. Both of you guys must be exhausted. I wanna help, man. Let me help.”
Jensen stays silent, still hiding behind Jared, but he doesn’t send her away. Felicia waits a little longer before she takes a couple of steps into the room. She takes something out of her bag, a small box wrapped in bright yellow paper.
“I thought, you know, maybe it was time to get the celebrations started, for the baby. Maybe this could… hell, it’s just a pair of freaking pj's, I don’t-“
“S’okay,” Jensen murmurs. “More than okay. Come on, sit next to me. I want Jared to open it. He deserves to do it.”
Felicia grins and takes a seat next to Jensen. He smiles a little, touches his stomach quickly then blushes to the tips of his ears. They don’t touch each other. Felicia doesn’t seem so sure of herself now that she’s face to face with Jensen’s illness.
Breaking the silence, Jared takes the gift and unwraps it quickly, taking out a tiny set of pajamas. They’re a bright red color with a small fire truck embroidered on the front.
“See,” Felicia says nervously, “not all little girls have to be dressed in pink or pastel colors and I know Jensen is allergic to ribbons and bows. And I remember how much I hated to wear pink when I was a kid. My mom would drown me in it and it didn’t even fit, with the red hair and all, and I wanted to… Jesus, I’m… Shut me up, someone, s’just a fucking pair of pajamas, it’s-“
“I love it, thanks,” Jared holds the pj’s in front of him so Jensen can see it.
“Yeah, it’s… You sure there isn’t a giant red bow hiding in there somewhere,” he tries to joke lamely, but hey, first attempt at a joke in a week, Jared is ready to celebrate.
“I'm sure. Got it from the boy's aisle.” Felicia half-laughs, half snorts.
“Thanks,” Jensen rasps, kissing her on the cheek. For a moment, the three of them remain perfectly still, then Jensen wraps both of his arms around Felicia’s waist and buries his head in the crook of her neck. “I don’t know what to do, I’m losing my mind, Fel,” he says in a choked voice.
Felicia looks at Jared and her eyes fill with tears. Well, they won’t be the last ones shed in this room, Jared thinks when she finally hugs Jensen back.
“Hey, it’s okay, you’re okay,” she sobs. “Love you, Jen, love you so much, man. I know you’re going to get through this, alright?”
Those words, Jared has said them countless times before. There are only so many things you can say when facing this kind of situation, so much comfort you can provide when someone is that fragile, that close to complete collapse.
He stands up slowly and leaves the room to let them have their moment.
That night, when he gets home, his mother calls. When she asks if he’s okay this time, he can’t lie to her. They talk for a long time. His mother doesn’t judge, just listens to everything Jared has to get off his chest. He feels a little better afterward.
The second week of Jensen’s hospitalization, he starts to show some improvement and Jared wonders when exactly something as simple as walking a few steps out of a room has become such a huge deal in his mind.
Every small step counts, Dr. Cortese has told him. He understands what she means. After all Jensen hasn’t had another catatonic episode and his panic attacks are decreasing in numbers and intensity. He still cries a lot and has to take a long nap in the middle of the day even after sleeping twelve hours a night. He doesn’t eat much, can’t concentrate on a book, but he has started to watch TV. He’s calmer. Felicia comes once a day and, most of the time, Jensen is glad to see her.
On August 25th, he finally agrees to call Josh. Jared had coaxes him into it by assuring him that if Jensen doesn’t want Josh to tell their parents, he won’t. His older brother understands the problems Jensen has with Donna and Alan. He’s always been there for him.
Dialing the number seems like torture for Jensen. He holds on to Jared’s hand with a death grip as he waits for someone to pick up. When he bursts into tears, Jared knows Josh is at the other end of the line. Jensen shakes his head, his mouth covered with his hand, and gives him the phone.
“Josh, it’s Jared, don’t-“
“Jay? What’s going on, was that Jensen crying?”
Jared calms him down and tells him about the current situation without going into any more detail than he has to. Jensen is at the hospital because he needs to receive treatment for an anxiety disorder, probably triggered by a combination of the pregnancy hormones and what happened to him during his first pregnancy. Josh curses and says very sweet, empathetic words about his brother and well, Jared is close to tears all over again -surprise, surprise.
“Let me speak to him, Jay. Can he talk? Is he okay?”
“Yeah, he is. I think he was really nervous about telling you.”
Jensen looks at the phone for a couple of seconds before taking it slowly, rubbing at his eyes and clearing his throat.
He talks with Josh for a long time, starts crying again, but more calmly this time. Jared tries not to listen, his presence just a reassurance. At some point, Jensen asks his brother not to tell their parents and, by the deep expression of relief that settles over his face, Jared guesses Josh has agreed.
Josh wants to fly to Providence, but Jensen is firm on that issue. He tells his brother he doesn’t have to, that he has people around him, and he’s going to call on a regular base. That seems to do it.
Jensen is so relieved afterward that Jared regrets not having insisted on doing it sooner.
Toward the end of the second week, Jensen is showering every morning without being asked and walking the corridor a couple of times a day, even though he never stops by the common room. He’d asked Jared to bring him his laptop and watches old movies on it - his favorites, black and white ones: All about Eve, Rebecca, Morroco, Sabrina. Most of the time, he doesn’t pay attention to the whole movie, but it’s so much better than a few days before that Jared won’t complain.
In the evening, Felicia will sometimes bring some pictures from work with her and ask his opinion on a certain light, a pose, the best way to develop a portrait. Jared guesses she doesn’t really need Jensen’s advice, but it’s another way to draw him back to himself, to his life, to what he does and who he is.
Jensen is eating better too. He starts to complain about hospital food, which is a huge improvement from the apathetic way he had been picking at his meals. He stops wearing the pj’s Jared had brought him and asks for real clothes instead. One morning, Jared arrives at the hospital and finds Jensen staring at his profile in the small mirror in the bathroom. He’s plastering his grey tee-shirt against his stomach, both hands holding it beneath his belly. “I’m gonna need new clothes,” he states. “She’s growing so fast.”
This is so normal, so casual, Jared could cry. He gets these glimpses of Jensen - the Jensen he knows - now and then that remind him where they both came from, that give him hope that there will be a life after Jensen’s illness.
One afternoon, when Jared comes back from a meeting with the school’s principal, Jensen isn’t in his room or in the corridor. Jared is just about to panic when he looks into the common room and sees his husband standing near the entrance, leaning his back against the wall. His head is lowered and he looks awfully nervous, but he’s speaking to someone. Another patient. She’s a young woman, can’t be more than twenty years old. She has the same nervous stance as Jensen and her smiles twitches as she puts her hand on Jensen’s belly.
Jared holds his breath. It’s heartbreaking to see the two of them trying to interact with each other despite their combined nervousness.
“… little girl,” Jensen is saying.
“Oh really? Do you know what you’ll call her?”
“Not yet. We have ideas, but…”
Then, Jensen sees Jared and the moment passes. He blushes and joins him quickly, leaving the girl standing there on her own.
“I… She wanted to-“
“It’s alright. I just didn’t know you ever came here.” Jared tries to sound casual but it seems forced, even to his own ears.
Jensen shrugs and touches his belly quickly. Twice. “S’ only the second time. You huh… wanna walk a little?”
“’Course.”
Later, they watch a movie together sitting on Jensen’s bed. When the credits start to roll, Jensen sighs and buries his head in the crook of Jared’s neck. “I… I think I wanna go home.” He whispers almost inaudibly.
Jared puts his arm around Jensen's shoulder and smiles. He’s anxious, wonders if Dr. Cortese will allow it and fears he won’t be able to give Jensen the support he'll need once he's back.
Still, the relief and excitement are the most prevalent emotions he’s feeling right now.
“Okay,” he answers just as quietly.
Jensen swallows back a sob.
chapter three
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